Nirvanna the Band the Show (2016–…): Season 2, Episode 1 - The Burger - full transcript

Matt and Jay decide that this time, they're seeing their plan through. This time, they're not giving up. This time, they'll book a show at the Rivoli.

\hI’m looking at locations!
I don’t have time for that.

\h\h\hOkay, well I’m
here for three days.

Just come.

I got-- I got too
much stuff to do.

I appreciate it, but I’m just--
I got too much stuff going on.

Well, that’s what... that’s
what you wanted, isn’t it?

No, that’s what you wanted.\h\h\hYou know me, I
wanted one location,\hmake some burgers, have
a nice day, that was it.

Yeah, one burger at
\ha time, I get it.

Yeah, Paul wants to really take
it one burger at a time, and...

This is what I’ve
been telling Matt!

Well, I’m gonna tell Matt.



MATT: Bird?

Oh!

Uh, I’m not watching it!

What are you doing?

Nothing!

I thought you were doing music.

Intro.

Intro music.

\hCan you see-- I mean, I’m
probably already ruining it.

Go!

(Piano playing)

Woo!

Oh shit! Ow, fuck!

Ow, oh my god!



Oh fuck!

Oh my god!

(Groaning)

Yes!

Alright, okay.Oh ho ho!

\h- So, here’s the plan...
- Well, hold on a second.

\h\hI gotta talk to
you about something.

Wha...

The Rivoli’s not called us back.

Why?

Uh, because the plans
\hhaven’t worked yet.

Plans, plan-sah.

The sah?

The plans haven’t worked.

Every week we got a new plan,

and then we’re back
\hwhere we started!

Yeah, but that’s because
\hthe plan doesn’t work,then we go to new one.

\h\hOne burger at a time,
or plan-- plan at a time.

You’re saying an arc?

You want an arc?I wanna stick to one plan.

All season is this, what
I’m about to pitch you?That’s pretty heavy.

\h\hWe’ll see it through
all the way to the end.

This year, we’re doing one plan.

(Sniffing)

Here we go.

Fake fans, real results.

Okay, what are the results?

Get the jersey on!

I’ll tell you.

So, we go to the
Maple Leaf game,

and people are like okay,
these are the big fans...

But we’re not fans.

\h\h\h\hWe don’t know
anything about hockey.

That’s-- Do you understand?

Fake fans, real results.

(Hockey Night in Canada playing)

So, everybody knows

\h\h\hthe Maple Leaf fans
are the best in the city.

That’s Toronto’s hockey team.



\h\h\hWe go to the game,
and people are thinking,

"Oh my god, these
\hguys are crazy."

\h\h\hWe’re in the stands,
"Alright, yeah, let’s go!

We’re fuck-- We’re nuts!"

And then we wait till
the Jumbotron’s on us,

and people are like, "Finally,
we’re gonna get to see a show!

\hThese guys have been
whooping up all game!

They’re the toughest guys!
They’re the meanest guys!"

Then, at the this--
the highest moment,

camera close, zooming in on us,

"Well folks, these are the
biggest fans of the game.

Let’s show ’em some love!"

Then we kiss, kissing each other

right in front of everybody
\h\h\h\h\hon the Jumbotron.

Huge shocks.

We’re kissing each other?

\h\hHold on, wait, no,
don’t write that down.

We... kiss.

Everybody watching
\hthis is going...

(Vomiting noise)

Gross!(Vomiting noise)

- Vomit rolling down those...
- They’ll be fine with it.

...just solid cement stairs.

The players on the ice:
\h\h\h\h"What? No way!"

\hThe guy-- especially
the ones from Russia.

It’s the gay panic,
and we confront them

with their homophobia.You know, I’m not really--

And then we’re on the nightly
news, and we say guess what?

It was really just a... what’s
it called, a promotional stunt

for our band, Nirvanna the Band,
to play a show at the Rivoli.

\h\h\hI’d rather do
like anything else.

Hold on, I thought--
didn’t you just say

\h\hwe’re not switching
the plan no matter what?

Well...

What is it?

Uncomfortable with the plan?

\hYeah, I mean like
it’s totally natural

that I’m uncomfortable with it.

Mm-hmm?

Maybe you have some issues?

\hNo, I’m-- I have
no issues with it.

\h\h- Maybe?
- No, I have--Well then, what’s the issue?

\hYou’re not one of these
people in the crowd that’sgonna be puking, are you?

\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- No, no!
- So then what’s the issue?

I... I have no problem with it.\h\h- In fact...
- Why would you?

...I think that it’s actually
quite nice watching that happen.Me too.

\h\hI think it’s the same as
when a guy and a girl kiss.

- I think it’s better.
\h\h\h\h\h\h- Me too.

I think it’s better for society.

- It’s better.
\h\h\h\h- Yeah.

- I agree.
- Me too.

I-- I’m open for all.

Open for business.

Mm-hmm.

Alright, so then let’s go.

Come on, big talker.

\h\h\h\hLet’s see if
you’re a big kisser.

We’re going.

\h\h\h\hWe’re walking--
We’re going to the game.

So we can do the kiss plan.



\h\h\h\hGrowing up in Toronto,
Matt and I were best friends.

\h\h\hWhat we’re used to is,
"Ugh, there’s Matt and Jay!"

\hAfter we play the
show at the Rivoli,

\h\h\h\hit’s gonna be, "Wow,
there’s Nirvanna the Band!"



Our mission in life is
\hto play the Rivoli.

We just need the perfect plan.

Build the float.
\hCool, daddy-o!(Gunshot)

But this week, I think
we might have got it.

\h\h\hTo be honest, I’m not
really feeling today’s plan.

New season, new plan.

Nirvanna the Band’s back, baby!

\hI’m gonna do everything I
can to get out of this plan.

\h\hSo the Rivoli is a
club on Queen Street,

\h\hand the reason we
wanna play there is--

Stop, stop, stop!

I gotta-- I gotta say...

\h\h\hLet’s come up
with a better plan.

What?

Maybe there’s a better
\hplan that we make--

(Honking)
Hey, CTV!

\h\hI’m just saying there
could be a better plan...

This drummer’s going crazy.

(Drumming)
(Stammering)

\hI love the hat,
that looks great.

Thank you so much, man!

Will you listen to me?

I wanna change the plan!Okay, well then what is it?

\hYou have a better
plan than that plan?Yeah!

You have a better plan?
\hDo you have the plan?

Yes, we’re gonna try, uh...

I-Improv.

Improv? Yes?\hThey’re having an
improv show tonight,

so we’re gonna go and we’ll--
we improvise ourselves onstage,

and then we start our show, and
it’s not an improv show at all.

It’s just our show!

Um...

\hSo come on, what do
you think? Good plan?

\hHow are you gonna
become an improviser

by the end of the day?

I’ll take a class!

I’ll take a class today!

Take it from a master
\h\himproviser, okay?

\hIt’s not-- You can’t take
one class and then have it.

\h\hYou either have it
or you don’t have it.

(Sighing)

I understand.

You’re the improv guy,
\h\hI’m the piano guy.

We wouldn’t wanna go take
a class and then I become

\hthe better improviser
just through one class.

N-- I’m saying...

I’m-- That’s not
possible, right?

What are you look--
What are you doing?

You believe that
that’s possible?

It’s not!

What’s with this?!

It’s not gonna work.

What do you think?

Oh, my ego is so fragile?

Oh, you would love that.

You would love it if it was!

I mean, I’m tempted to even say,
"Yeah, let’s go do the class,

\h\hand let’s do this
fucking improv plan."

I-- You know what, a part
of me’s saying fuck this,

scrap the... the Leafs plan

because we’re doing
\hthis improv plan.

- Get the jersey off!
\h\h\h- Okay, alright!

- Get that jersey off!
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- Okay.

\hAlright, so we’re doing
this full class, alright?

Yeah.

- We’re gonna see who--
- Hey look, Wahlburgers.

They’re on TV.

\h\hI don’t give a fuck
about Wahlburgers, man!

- They have their own show.
\h\h- Get the fuck in here!

Holy! Matthew!

Let’s go, improv man.

GROUP: One two three four
\hfive six seven eight...

Okay, everyone, we’re gonna play
one of the oldest improv games

known to man.

This is called Freeze.Some people call it Switch.

\h\hWhat’s gonna happen is two
people are gonna come forward,

you’re gonna start
\han improv scene.

\h\hYou’re gonna do a
scene about anything.

Anyone in the back line
here can yell, "Freeze!"

At that point, you are
going to step forward,

tap someone on the shoulder.

That person is going
to leave the scene,

and you are going to take
their exact body position,

and you are going to
\hstart a new scene.

I need two volunteers.

(Clap)

Okay, you’re gonna take
his exact body position,

and now you’re going
to start a new scene

\h\husing this position
as your offer by saying,

"What do I think this is that’s
different from milking cows?"

And then you’re gonna
\h\hsay the first line

of a new scene, alright?

\h\h\h\h\h\h- Okay.
- Good, here we go.

Put your dukes up.

Good, good good good!

(Laughing)

\hOkay, good, keep
going, keep going.

Oh no...

Clown shoes.

(Laughing)

(Psycho theme)

\h\h\h\h\h\hYeah, we’re
old-time fighters here.

(Laughing)



Han Solo blaster.

(Laughing and clapping)

Amazing!



\h(Slowed) I’ll--
I’ll take a class!

I’ll take a class today!

No, you either have it
\hor you don’t, right?

\h\h\hHave you ever seen
Whose Line Is It Anyway?

\h\hI’m the improviser,
I’m a master improviser.

I can improvise.

You can’t improvise.

JAY: Everybody look at the sun!

(Laughing)

(Clap)

I’m-- I’m gonna do one.
\h\h\h\h\h\hI’ll do one?

Sure, yeah, absolutely, jump in.

Yeah, I’m just gonna try.

So yeah, we’ll see.

And you got the first line.

Ah, welcome to my lair!

My crown I keep in my stomach.

You’re all my servants.

\hUh, let me tell you
a bit about my story.

\hI’m a king from a land where
everything is made of gelatin.

\h\h\h\h\hOkay, listen, Your
Majesty of this jelly town,

\h\h\h\h\hI request that you
leave my purple town alone.

\h\hYou’ve earned my
trust, Purple Town.

Are you the mayor or the king?
What did you say?

Does it matter?

Right, okay.Does it matter?

Well, I mean, if I’m a king, I’m
not talking to a mayor, right?

That doesn’t make any sense.

Okay, but stay in
\hit, stay in it.

\hYeah, right, no,
but I’m actually--

I’m reasoning with the guy.

\h\h\h\hLike I don’t
mean the real you--

And freeze!

\hGood, I’ll stop you
there with your hand--\hSomeone come in
and tag out Matt.

Are you guys getting what’s
\hgoing on, like with the...

Like I... I just feel like
there-- this should be...

this should be killing.Yeah, that’s good.

\h\hOkay, so Matt, let’s just
have you step back in the line.

Yeah!

\hDid you understand
what I meant though?

\h\hLike about how
the king is the...

I do, but I also understand what
he’s trying to do with one line,

and trying to get it to move
\hforward based on one line,

"Yes, and..."

Yeah, you need to
give me one thing.

\h\h\hYeah, no, and I--
Yeah, yeah, I’ll-- Yeah.

\h\h\hSo the big thing is
what we’re trying to do--

Could’ve been pretty funny.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h(Chuckling)

I think yours was scripted,
\hand this is called improv.

\hThat’s the sense
that I’m getting.

\hWell see, but that’s
right from the best--

Could you actually just
take a spot in the line?

Yeah yeah yeah yeah
yeah yeah yeah yeah.

Thank you so much.

\h\hA lot of it had to do with
the crowd not really loving it,do you know what I mean?

I think he was making a
thing like this, right?Yeah yeah yeah.

\h\hYou know what, Birdie,
I’ll wait for you outside.

You guy-- You know what, this...

(Laughing)

As I said, that really could’ve
been quite funny, and I...

(Sad music)

\h\h\h\h- Okay.
- Thanks, Matt.

Okay, great.

Tray full of jewels, think of
all the things that I could do

in my life with the
tray full-- Whoops!

(Laughing)

I was digging all
\hnight for those!

(Laughing)

Um, well, now they’re gone!

(Laughing)

(Laughing)

(Clapping)

Ho!

(Laughing)
\h\hGood!

- Good, that’s it!
\h\h\h\h\h\h- Hai!





Uh, so what’s a burger for
\hwhen you’re sort of sad?

What’s the, uh, Donnie Burger?

Okay, I’ll take
a Donnie Burger.

...come up with really
good ideas for burgers.

\h\hIt’s inspired by
his lack of eyebrows.

Tell him the name of the burger.Oh, the Bald Burger.

\h\hCan you have them get
the Bald Burger up there?

\h\h\hWhat?
(Cheering)

Paul!

He’ll have one up there!Yes!

That should be the new Donnie
choice, the Bald Burger.

No eyebrows.

\h\hSo I sit down to take a
bite of this Donnie Burger,

and I assume okay,
\h\hI’ll just eat,

\h\h\hand then no, they have a
television experience as well.

\h\h\h\hOh, we didn’t win with
the... battle of the burgers.

Use the Donnie Burger,
\h\hgood things happen.

Take a bite of a Donnie Burger
and good things happen?

What, does it grant wishes
\hor something like that?

\h\h\hYeah, I wish Jay would
come in and apologize to me.





Matt!

I thought I’d find you here.

Listen, I need to apologize.

(Gasping)

Holy shit!

I didn’t mean for you
to embarrass yourself

in improv class.

\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYou weren’t even
supposed to be in that class.

I only brought you there because

I was just trying to get out
\hof doing the kissing plan.



\h\h\h\hOne wish, any
burger could do that.

Let’s see if it can do two.

I wish we could go back
\hto the original plan.

I guess what I’m trying to say
is let’s go do the kissing plan.

Excuse me?!

The original plan?Yeah, let’s do it.

With the Donnie Burger,
good things will happen!

Om!

I’m a believer!



Okay, so we’ll get-- I’ll get
six more of these, and a shake?

You guys have milkshakes?



(Laughing)

- We’re not too late!
- Wait wait wait wait!

- Hold on a second.
\h\h\h\h\h\h- What?

\hI just thought: how are we
gonna get on the Jumbotron?

Oh yeah, fuck.

\hI gotta take responsibility,
because I had forgot to include

\ha "how do we actually get on
the Jumbotron" part of the plan.

We didn’t figure that out!

Right!

Here we go.

\hSomehow we have to
figure that out now,

\hbecause we can’t go in
there without that plan.

Wait, I have an idea.

(Crinkling)(Laughing)

Now to take another bite
\hand make another wish.

How do we get on the
\hJumbotron tonight?

Wait a second.

What is that, the CT... CTV.What?

\hI see the CTV van
that we saw earlier.

(Slowed) Hey, it’s CTV!

Oh, they broadcast
the hockey games.

They broadcast the games!

\h\hWe just have to convince
the camera guy to let us on.

Yeah!

Magic burger! Magic burger!

Yeah, okay, we’ll go tell them
some kinda story where it’s likeyou gotta put us on TV.

\h\h\h\hYeah, we’ll just
make it up on the spot.

I know what this calls for.

Improv!Yeah, exactly.

So that’s when Jay comes up with
the motherload of all plans:

we are gonna improvise
a crazy story for CTV

so that we get on the Jumbotron.

\hI wish I’d come up
with that one, man.

That’s fucking sly, Bird.

Let’s go!

Nice one, Bird, you little fuck.

Wow!

You work for CTV?

Lights, camera, action.So my friend’s a surgeon.

\hYeah, and then I’m
frozen, touch me in.

\h\h\hAnd so I came and said,
"Hey, you wanna go to the game?"

We’re not getting laughs.Are they buying this?\hBut Matt, I don’t know if
I wanna go to a hockey game.

He’s afraid of ice even though
he’s a surgeon, you know?

These guys are buying it!

\h\h\h\hIt’s like, "Oh, what’s
going on here? Oh, the puck!"

\h\hOne man does the arms,
the other does the voice.

\h\h\hThey shit their pants,
like that was killing them.

\h\hI’m gonna play some
hockey now for you guys.

They’re grinning, we’re
\hgetting a lot of this.

Do I sit like this?

\hSee, at home, you can
sit and watch the game,

stand and watch the game.

\hWe’re doing every
trick of the trade.

I do this move, the way
\hthe banana man go now.

What can banana man do now?

\h\h\hThere was one more where
you’re throwing an invisible--

\h\h\hOh, I’m sorry
about that, my bad.

\h\h\h\h\hI go to one class,
guess I’m an improv master.

They’re laughing!

They like the story!

\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h(Burping)
They’re believing our improv!

He had a plan earlier to get on
the big huge Jumbotron screen.

Yes!

Thank you, man.
\h\h\h(Laughing)We did it!

So they have a thing called the
Kiss Cam on the Jumbotron where

\hthey will go to the audience
for people specifically to kiss.

Is that not fucking perfect?

The burger is doing wishes

I’m not even wishing
\hfor at this point.

\h\h\hI’m thinking what,
am I gonna get in there

and have my own horse?

Thank you, thank you!

(Laughing)

Yes! Yes!

(Laughing)

(Crowd cheering)

Oh my god, this place is huge!



Yes! Yeah!

(Cheering)

\hEverything’s going alright,
but I’m still a little nervous.

Oh my god, so we’re
\hreally doing this.

Alright, so maybe not--
\h\hput away the burger.

Where are you, Kiss Cam?Where are you?

Starting to think... gotta
eat a couple more burgers.

Let the plan work, gulp,
let the plan work, gulp,

let the plan work, gulp...

Ah!

Well, I was a little
\h\hbit worried that

Matt was still eating
\h\h\hthe Wahlburgers.

\h\h\hAt this point, he also
did not know that they were

\h\h\h\hthe magical reason for
everything that was happening.\hLook at this, what is--
you’re just leaving like--

\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hFans, pucker up.
It’s now time for the Kiss Cam.

Oh! Hey!- Hey, alright!
\h\h\h- Alright!

\h\h\h\hEverybody’s getting
pumped up for the Kiss Cam,

and the place is going wild.



\hKiss Cam’s on, gotta
make sure this works.

Finish another burger.- Just put it down!
\h\h- We have time.

\h- Finish it afterwards!
- Hey, I’ll eat it quick.

No, no, put it down!(Cheering)

So a bunch of other couples
are kissing on the screen...

(Cheering)

Then all of a sudden...

(Cheering)

Two guys on the screen.

Gay.

(Cheering)

Noooo!

That was our plan!

(Cheering)

Matt, nobody’s puking.

\hI’m not paying attention to
anything at this point because

I realized I’ve eaten
\htoo many hamburgers.

(Cheering)

We’re on!

(Cheering)

Matt, we’re on, we’re on!

(Crowd gasping)

Yeah, I puked.



Yeah, we’ve had plans
\hthat haven’t worked.

This is a different level!
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h(Laughing)



Plan didn’t go well, but...

\h\hguess I’m kinda getting
used to that at this point.



\hYou know, it was
a pretty fun day.

\hHey, at least we
got to see a game.

There’s always the next plan.

\h\h\hSo not only were
the burgers not magic,

but eating them at that volume
it turns out is quite damaging.

\h\h\h\h\hAnd oh, and we were
thrown out shortly after that.

\h\h\hIf you puke at
the ACC, you’re gone

’cause they think you’re drunk.

\h\hAnd imagine me trying to
explain the magic hamburger.

\h\hWell, they’d think
you’re fucking insane.

Which was explained to me
\h\hby Jay on the way out.

\h\h\hI told Jay why I’d
been eating the burgers,

and he said, "You fucking idiot.

I could’ve told you that
that was a coincidence."

\hWhich looking back
makes perfect sense.

♪I forgive Matt.

It always come down to the band
and having each other’s backs.

It wasn’t a waste of time
because what I learned was

you don’t keep a secret
\hfrom your best friend.

And I’m sticking to that.

Actually hold me to that, mark
me on that, because that’s it.

For me, this year...

\h\h\h...it’s gonna be
tough to keep up with.

Okay.

(Sniffling)



I’m gonna get you!

\h\h\h\h\h\hOh, that’s it,
you’re getting this kiss!

I was just excited.

You know, I was bummed out
that I couldn’t be there,but I was excited.

And they felt bad that
I wasn’t there, but...

Oh no, I don’t want a kiss!- I don’t want a kiss!
\h- You’re getting it!

\h\h\h\h\h\hYeah, just wish I
could’ve shared it with them,

\h\hbut I’ll get up there
and visit those guys soon.



Mark, here’s how you sell--
\hhere’s the jingle for you.

Feel free to use it.

- Ready?
- Okay.

\h\hUh, okay, yeah, jingle for
Wahlburgers as an apology for...

We didn’t do anything to them!Well...

Don’t call it an apology, just--
it’s a nice little jingle.

With the lawyers,
\hall this stuff.

\h\h\h\hLook at this,
logo’s right in there.

Doing them a favour.

They may not see it that way.Make it good.

The throwing up and
\hthings like that.

You ate seven of them!

Free jingle!



♪ Pleased to meetcha ♪

♪ Here’s our burger feature ♪

♪ Pleased to meetcha ♪

♪ Here’s our burger feature ♪



That’s-- That’s it.

That was just the beginning.

We’re not writing a whole song.

You’re not taking
\hthis seriously.

\h\h\h\hSince when do you know
everything about jingle writing?

I feel like if we come up with
like a good 5, 10 options...

♪ Are you-- Are you
\h\h\ha hungry guy ♪

♪ Hey there, hungry guy ♪

♪ Or hey there, hungry girl ♪Well, which is it?

\hI don’t wanna get
gendered about this.

♪ Hey hungry guy,
hey hungry girl ♪

\h\h♪ Or hey everything
in between this world ♪

♪ I’m gonna get a burger
\hfor you everyday... ♪

\h\h\h\h\hWe’re gonna write a
trans-inclusive burger jingle?

♪ If you’re a guy ♪

♪ Or you’re a girl ♪

\h\h♪ Or maybe you’re
something different ♪

No, they don’t like different.

\h♪ Well, they’re not
just for me and you ♪

\h\h\h♪ A genderless
burger experience ♪

(Sneezing)