Nip/Tuck (2003–2010): Season 6, Episode 8 - Lola Wlodkowski - full transcript

NARRATOR:
Previously on Nip/Tuck:

I like my ring,
and it came from Mike's heart...

...which is really good,
and I don't think you really have one.

I do have one, and it belongs to you.

- Mike, I just need you to back up.
- Like, all the way to taking my ring back?

I love you, Mrs. McNamara.

The key to a s'mores
is getting the perfect proportion...

...between the chocolate bar
to graham cracker.

- Give me that.
- Nice.

You marry a woman you don't even know
who tries to kill you.

I don't need a lecture from you.



Well, tell us what you don't like
about yourself, Mrs. Pierce.

Well, I guess the fact
that I'm not perfect.

Well, who is?

Barbie.

Is Barbie a friend of yours?

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Well, I've worshipped her
since I was a little girl.

You mean the doll.

She's more than a doll.

Barbie and Ken are the embodiment
of the postmodern couple.

Not to mention they've been together
for 50 years, never aging.

- No.
- Just changing outfits.

He doesn't have a penis,
and she doesn't have anything.

Because they've made the ultimate
monogamous commitment.



A sex-free relationship.

Well, this is all very interesting,
but why exactly are you here?

Show them, Skip.

Skip had his nipples removed.

One less erogenous zone
for him to think about.

And now we'd like you to remove mine.

Look, we're not crazy, okay?

We're both very successful realtors.

We sold more houses last year
than any other team in Los Angeles.

- Honey, let me explain.
- All right.

- My nipples are hard all the time.
SKIP: All the time.

- All the time. It's like...
SKIP: It doesn't stop.

Big gumdrops on my...
It's embarrassing.

I would like to know what it's like to have
someone look me in the eye for once.

SKIP: She has a beautiful mind.
- Thank you.

SKIP:
You do, honey.

...in San Diego five years ago.

- We've both been obsessed...
SKIP: Obsessed.

...with Barbie and Ken
since we were little kids.

And we just wanna take one more step
to becoming more like them.

- It's evolution.
- That's all.

So, what if the two of you split up?

How would you explain these modifications
to your new partners?

We've both had tons
of sexual relationships.

SKIP:
Tons.

And they always ended up
being about ownership and exclusivity...

...not about love.

SKIP: Eliminating sex
has allowed us to really relate.

We get to see each other outside
of our own selfish demands.

Think about it.

If Barbie and Ken
had been able to have sex...

...do you really think their marriage
would've lasted 50 years?

[KNOCKING]

WOMAN: Excuse me, can you tell me
where I might find a Dr. McNamara?

- I have a package for him.
- Found him.

Just put it right here on the desk, please.

Sign here, please.

Thank you, doctor.

You're welcome.

Aren't you gonna open it?

Okay.

[DRAGONETTE'S "MARVELLOUS"
PLAYING]

WOMAN [SINGING ON STEREO]:
Oh, my, you're driving me crazy.

Don't know why I want you, baby

- My eyes are bigger than my mouth...
- Okay, what? Um, heh.

Uh, what is this?

Hold on a second.

When you walk into a room.

Whom should I say is calling me?

Why you wanna give me trouble, baby?

What are you doing?

Helping you with your package.

I just can't stop

You're dangerous

Oh, oh

You're marvelous

I'm a fool for your wickedness

I think you're really working it
You're cool

And I'm getting myself into trouble

Hey, Sean, your 2:00...

Getting myself into trouble

SEAN:
Mrs. Cox, please. We can still fit you in.

Thank you, I think I've seen enough.

Psst.

Did you wanna finish?

Finish what?

I mean, who are you?
Where did you come from?

Boy, you are grumpy.

No wonder Dr. Troy
wanted me to cheer you up.

Did you have anything to do with this?

Oh. I didn't get a chance to see her,
but the agency told me she was a 10.

What are you doing
calling a stripper to the office?

A stripper? Sean, I wouldn't do that to you.
She's a hooker.

- You bought me a prostitute?
- Course I did.

What is wrong with you?

You've been wallowing in misery.
I was just trying to make you feel better.

Cheap sex is not what I need right now.

I'm not interested in any kind of sex
right now.

- I'm thinking about taking a break.
- A break from sex.

What's wrong with that?

Nothing, if you wanna be a priest
or wallow in your midlife self-pity bullshit.

It's not self-pity,
it's self-preservation, okay?

Last time I jumped into bed with someone,
I wound up with Teddy...

...and after that, with some
drug addict stabbing me in the leg.

Which is why I thought
I should pick this time. All right?

You know...

...maybe Tracy had a point.

More often than not,
sex ruins relationships.

I mean, that's what messed up
me and Julia this time.

That's what's complicated
almost every relationship I've ever had.

I appreciate your concern for me.

Next time, put it in a card.

Thank you.

Oh, I ate too much.

Thanks for surprising me.
I'll call you later.

Wait. Honestly...

...have I gained weight
since we started dating?

You look fantastic. Trust me. Gotta go.

But I'm a little freaked out about this.

I mean, just answer me honestly.

Do I need to start smoking again?

Kimber. Christian.

CHRISTIAN: Yeah?
- This is my friend, Lola.

CHRISTIAN:
Hey.

So you two go wait in my office.
I'll be in in a second.

She's got a problem, okay? Not you.

Sometimes I feel like that's how I look.

- So you're Lola Wlod...
- Wlodkowski.

Wlodkowski.

[CHUCKLES]

- What are you grinning at?
- I just...

I'm just real happy for you. Is that bad?

Happy for what?

You know. Heh, heh.

[LIZ SIGHS]

He's a bit of an idiot,
but he's a very good surgeon.

- Okay.
- We're friends. Lola is not gay.

LOLA:
Me? No. Please.

I am a card-carrying hetero.

Although Liz would be the first girl I'd call
if I were so inclined.

Thank you very much.

We met at Adam and Eve.
I've been going since I was a kid.

The nudist camp.

Lizzy, who knew?

I was looking for something to help me
love myself again after my divorce.

Sure.

- Uh, so how can we help you?
- She needs her moles removed.

I noticed them at the pool...

...and she came over to me
all on her high horse...

Yeah, well, you know, she was staring,
which we do not do.

But it's common with the newbies.

You know, they get all distracted
by genitals and all the bare flesh.

In any case, I told her that you would
remove them with no scar...

...and that you would give her
a significant discount...

...because she has no insurance.

Of course. You know that
any friend of Lizzy's is a friend of ours.

In fact, because you're such a good friend,
we'll just throw in some free lipo.

- You mean, to make me skinny?
- Mm-hm.

Heh, heh, heh. Look, I just figured
you're walking around nude all the time...

...maybe you just wanna streamline
your silhouette a little bit.

- Oh, my God.
CHRISTIAN: I didn't mean anything...

- No...
- I am not insulted. I'm not insulted.

He is just a victim
of his own self-loathing, really.

Thanks, doctor, um...

...but I'll pass on the lipo.
I'm fine with the way I am.

You know, maybe you should
come to Adam and Eve sometime.

Yeah.

People discover all sorts of things
about themselves.

It's hard to keep secrets
when you're naked.

[CHUCKLING]

I have no problem getting naked. Ahem.

LOLA:
Oh, well, social nudity is something else.

It requires dropping facades
and pretensions.

You've never had a really big woman,
have you, doc?

Do I make you nervous?

Nervous? No, I... Not a bit.

You're quite a lot of gal, Lola.

Not too much gal for you?

[CHUCKLES]

You know,
some men just aren't ready for me...

...and I'm not just talking
about the pounds.

LIZ:
You two.

Is it time to get a room?

[LAUGHING]

Uh, no. Heh, heh. But I think it's time
we took a look at those moles.

Mrs. Pierce, before we get started,
I'd like you to look over these forms.

It's to remind you
that this is an elective surgery...

...and you're aware of the risks.

Skip already told me what to expect.
I'm not concerned.

I'm excited, actually.

Now, are you planning to have kids?
If you're hoping to breastfeed...

Oh, I can't have children.

- Ken and Barbie never did, so...
- Oh. Of course.

If you would open your robe.

And you promise
there won't be scarring?

Uh, yeah.

That's why I wanna
put you under anesthesia.

Z-plasties will stop any keloids
from forming. Ahem.

Stop trying to impress me
with the details, Dr. Sexy.

I just wanna know I get my body back.

CHRISTIAN: You wanna get your body back,
try 20 minutes on the treadmill every day.

Those gerbil wheels? Please.

I get enough exercise in the bedroom,
thank you very much.

You don't glow like this if you're not having
great sex five times a week, believe me.

TRACY:
Ooh.

- That tickles.
- Sorry.

It's okay. They've always been sensitive.

The dermal nerve networks...

...and concentrations of tissue
around the ducts...

...along with minute hair follicles
in the areola itself...

...all contribute to the area's
hypersensitivity...

...which is a fancy way
of saying your nipples...

Our nipples were designed for pleasure.

Well, you've never worn a bra before.

They've seen their share of pleasure
over the years.

It'll be a relief to have them gone.

So you're really not interested
in sex anymore?

Let me tell you something. When you don't
have to worry about it anymore...

...you realize how much more
there is to life.

I thought being a nudist
wasn't about having sex all the time.

It's not. I'm talking about my life
outside the fold.

Really?

So between that and your dating life,
you basically never have your clothes on.

Well, it is how God made us.

Some better than others, huh?

Sorry to be blunt, Lola.
You're not my type.

You go for the more shallow
and superficial, then.

Mm-hm.

You poor man.

You have no idea what you're missing,
do you?

Don't you worry
about what you'll be missing?

- Sex-wise?
- Yeah.

I mean, it's not like
it's a big mystery anymore.

Two people kiss. Tongues touch.

Hands rub the same parts.

Maybe they pinch and grab.
Maybe they smack an ass cheek or two.

Someone gets hard, someone gets wet,
you trade some fluids.

Then it's all about the in and the out
and the up and the down.

Someone screams, "Oh, baby, yes,"
or "Oh, God, please"...

...and then, poof, it's done.

Now that you put it like that,
I guess I see your point.

Trust me. I'm celibate,
and I've never been happier.

That was the best orgasm I've ever had.

CHRISTIAN:
Well, this is gonna put you into twilight.

- That sounds delightful.
- Yeah.

And no scars, I promise. I'm good at that.

You're good at a lot of things.

I'd put you in the top
six or seven percentile.

[GIGGLES]

[TITO PUENTE & HIS ORCHESTRA'S
"FAT MAMA" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

MAN [SINGING OVER SPEAKERS]:
Fat mama

Come on and dance with me

Boogaloo

Fat mama

Come on and dance with me

Boogaloo

Fat mama

CHRISTIAN:
Just say it.

I'm a scumbag pussy-crazed dog,
and I should be shot.

Get over yourself. I'm not your priest.

CHRISTIAN:
This woman is a force of nature. I mean it.

She don't take no for an answer.

Well, as usual, you got it wrong.
I am delighted.

CHRISTIAN:
What, that I had sex with a fat chick?

No. Because you didn't get to her.

MAN:
Boogaloo

Fat mama

CHRISTIAN:
You're right.

You know what?
You could take a page out of her book.

She is living proof that beauty is not
everything, you know what I'm saying?

I mean, it's how you feel
on the inside, right?

Oh, wait.

You do something shitty,
then rub my face in it.

And because I don't fall apart, you give me
a lecture on what's wrong with me?

You're an idiot. You know that.

[CHRISTIAN CHUCKLES]

CHRISTIAN:
Send these to pathology.

You're right. I was out of line.

Yeah?
Well, save it for someone who cares.

The other idiot, Kimber.

She actually believes that the two of you
are gonna walk into the monogamous...

...Ken-and-Barbie sunset together.
God bless her.

MAN:
Yeah, baby

[KIMBER LAUGHING]

Oh, my God. Seriously?

I'm gonna wet myself. Look at this.

Fiber.

Hoodia.

Appetite suppressants. Oh, yeah, here.
This is my favorite one.

This sucks the fat out of the food
and then leaks it out of your colon.

I have been killing myself
to stay a size zero...

...while you're off discovering
your inner chubby chaser.

- She wasn't all that fat.
- Oh, honey, I saw her.

You needed MapQuest to find her vagina.

But what you don't understand is
this is great. Like, I'm happy.

I can finally just relax. Huh.

I mean, now I know we're still gonna
be having sex when we're old and fat.

- Where you going?
- I'm gonna go raid your freezer...

...because I swear I saw some Cherry Garcia
in there, and I've never had it.

Come on, baby. Dive into your diva.

Timber.

Here comes Kimber.

[CHRISTIAN GRUNTING]

To the left.

[KIMBER MOANING]

Up. Are you watching?

Wait a second. I gotta stop.
I'm sorry. Just stop here for a second.

I'm gonna get two spoons and fudge sauce.
I'll be right back.

- All right.
- Stay right here.

I'll be right back, I promise.

KIMBER:
Found it. Mm.

Mm-hm.

Wow. This is really good. Here.
I got you a spoon.

Come on, let's get fat.

You two seem very happy together.

Of course. He's my fantasy come true.

Wouldn't you be?

[CHORDETTES'
"MR. SANDMAN" PLAYING]

[WOMEN HUMMING OVER SPEAKERS]

Ten...

...nine...

WOMEN [SINGING OVER SPEAKERS]:
Bring me a dream

Make him the cutest that I've ever seen

- Honey, I'm home.
- Darling.

Let me get that for you.
You've had a hard day.

Come in to relax.

What's that smell?

WOMEN:
Sandman

I made your favorite. Roast chicken.

Don't have nobody to call my own

Please turn on your magic beam

Leg or breast tonight, honey?

- How about both?
- Oh. You're so silly.

[CHUCKLES]

- You okay?
- Huh? Oh, fine. Just tired.

Oh, I understand. Let's go to bed.

- Night.
- Night.

Your hand. It's so soft.

It's my new lotion.

Honey, what if we push the beds
together tonight?

We've never done that before.
Something wrong, Sean?

I was talking with Christian today.

He mentioned something to me
about blow jobs...

...and, well, it sounded like fun.

You mean putting your penis in my mouth?
Isn't that sex?

Not from what I understand.

I thought we should try it.

Okay, as long as it's not sex.

I guess you should pull down
your pants first.

- What?
- No wonder we've never done this before.

Look.

LIZ:
Are you okay?

SEAN:
I'm fine.

I hope he's happy.

She's a perfect doll now.

CHRISTIAN:
Have you seen my patient?

Yeah, I saw way too much.
She said her stomach was grumbling.

- Oh, Jesus. You're gonna blind someone.
LOLA: Hey.

Do you have a panini press?
I would kill for a grilled cheese.

CHRISTIAN: This is not your personal feeding
trough, and it's not Adam and Eve. Here.

- Put this on until I find you a tent.
- Oh.

Well, I'm sorry, I just...
I'm so used to being in the buff.

CHRISTIAN: Well, we don't need to see
your flabby flesh around here.

I guess you were dreaming
when we humped like bunnies.

Bunnies? I remember riding an elephant,
then I got stuck in an overgrown bush.

LOLA:
Why would I give a shit what you think?

You're just a shallow asshole in denial.

Someday you're gonna wake up
and be fat and ugly.

I am an asshole and maybe one day
I will wake up fat, saggy and ugly...

...but right now, I am embracing beauty.

Beauty is happiness, beauty is power,
and beauty is confidence...

...and don't tell me you don't agree.

It's time to go back to the watering hole,
hungry hippo.

You are checking out.

[CHRISTIAN CLEARS THROAT]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Yeah?

You got a sec?

Yeah, actually, I was just...

...thinking about coming over
to apologize.

I was harsh, and you didn't deserve it...

...and I had a really fun time with you...
- Okay, enough.

You know, I liked you better
when you were honest.

You like being called a hippo?

It was interesting.

Bracing.

And it, uh...

It made me see something.

I screwed up.

Why?

Well, half the battle
with self-acceptance...

...is acting as if you feel it
even when you don't.

I've become a really good actress.

I have all the right words
and the right moves...

...and it works most of the time.

But every now and then,
I wanna crawl away and hide.

Like when I get a bad crush on a guy...

...and I know I'm never gonna be
in the running.

That's when I do something
bold and defiant.

Like walking around the office naked?

Yeah.

Look, I am not stupid and I'm not blind.

I'm just a gorgeous, sexy woman
who's trapped in a fat body...

...and I was raised to think
that it's a sin to love myself...

...any other way but the way I am.

Please. You're not gonna turn into some
self-hating person now, are you?

I wanna know what it feels like
not to pretend...

...I don't care about what people think.

I'm tired of working so hard
at this self-acceptance thing.

So be honest with me.

What will it take? Lipo or a tummy tuck?

Both.

Okay.

- Didn't think you'd be out of bed so soon.
- Oh, look.

I've never been able to do this before.

No more gumdrops. Smooth.

Just like Barbie now.

Wanna have a seat on the bed?
I'll check those stitches.

You did such great work.

I can't wait for Skip to see them.
He's gonna love them.

Yeah.

What's wrong?
I didn't pull a stitch, did I?

No, no. The surgery's fine. It's just...

What?

[SIGHS]

Spent my whole career...

...trying to make women's breasts
look more attractive, youthful...

...so their husbands or boyfriends
will notice them again...

...and here you are
with this perfect natural set...

...and you're happy because
I've completely desexualized you.

It's okay if you don't understand.
Most people don't.

But I think I do understand...

...and I think it's very sad.

What are you talking about?

I had a moment where I imagined
what it would be like to give up sex...

...to have that kind of relationship
where you don't touch each other, and it...

- It what?
- It isn't natural.

You're not just denying the act of sex.

- You're denying intimacy, passion...
- Skip and I are intimate.

We just choose
not to be physical about it.

But how can you choose
to give up that feeling you get...

...when your skin makes contact
with someone else's...

...and that charge
just runs through your whole body...

...like every nerve inside you
just caught fire?

I mean, the way you described it,
hands grabbing, smacking...

...that's about passion, fire.

You're not trying to catch your breath,
you are trying to inhale someone else's.

And it's complicated. It's messy.

And I say every minute of pleasure
is worth the pain it might bring later...

...because nothing on this earth
can make two people feel that good.

Would you give me a break?
Lola came and asked me for lipo.

You reduced a strong, proud woman
into a self-loathing wallflower.

No, I did not.
All I did was help her open her eyes.

You didn't help her out, Christian.
You broke her will.

CHRISTIAN: I did not.
LIZ: And why?

All because you're not man enough
to admit...

...that you had a mind-boggling orgasm
with a fat girl...

...and you discovered someone
who has beauty on the inside...

...and it scared you, and why?

Because you, underneath that shell...

...that handsome shell, is nothing.

The only thing you can do
to make yourself feel better...

...is pull people down
into your own personal little hell.

- You feel better?
- I feel better.

- Good.
- You know what? Better yet...

...l'm not doing the surgery.

MAN 1: Hi, Liz.
- Hey, Chad.

MAN 2: Liz.
- Hi, Javier.

MAN 3: Liz.
- Hi. Hi, Kyle.

Lizzy's throwing another fit.
We need another replacement.

- What's going on?
- Nothing. It's gonna be fine. Don't worry.

MAN:
Lola.

Oh, hey, guys. What are you doing here?

Saving your beautiful ass.

Take that gown off.
We're taking you out of here.

What are you doing here?
You can't come in here. Get the hell out.

You put the scalpel down
and nobody gets hurt.

You're kidnapping her?

Plastic surgery
steals a person's humanity.

Look, fellas,
I just wanna shed a few pounds.

We won't let you do this.
We love you exactly the way you are.

Hey, you wanna keep ignoring
the world we live in, be my guest.

Hell, yeah.

[LOLA GIGGLES AND SHRIEKS]

That's the difference between us, doctor.
We don't live in your world.

We live someplace happier.

[MEN WHISTLING]

I'm sorry.

Are you sure they never make
any mistakes in these biopsies?

Look, it's not a death sentence.

We can remove the tumor,
get rid of the tissue surrounding it...

...so that the melanoma cells are gone.
We can do chemo, followed by radiation.

"We"?

You can beat this.

I did.

Chemo.

Well, that could be the best diet ever,
right?

I'll be a thin girl yet.

My mother will be so proud.

Beautiful on the outside,
scarred and cancerous on the inside.

Lola, you're beautiful.

You will always be beautiful,
cancer or no cancer.

[TOILET FLUSHES]

[KIMBER COUGHING]

[VOMITING]

You're pathetic.

I didn't know
you were gonna be home so soon.

- You weren't supposed to see that.
- Yeah, well, I did.

- I can clean up after myself.
- It's fine. It'll stop me from strangling you.

I just wanted to try some of the things
that I've always been afraid to eat.

Don't tell me that's the first time
you've shoved fingers down your throat.

No, it's not, but it's the first time
I've had pepperoni pizza and Panda Express.

Just explain something to me.
Is this experiment over or not?

Because I don't do fat and I don't do
whatever the hell it was in there...

...when you were throwing up, all right,
each night I come home. You understand?

You know, when I was in there...

...I was thinking...

...that I truly hate myself...

...and it's the reason
I always go back to you, Christian.

It's because you hate me the best...

...and for some reason, it just feels right.

What the hell are you talking about?
Go brush your teeth, get some mints.

I have.

Look at me.

Turn around and look at me.

Why are you with me, Christian?
You think I'm stupid.

You think I'm a slut.
You think I'm pathetic.

It's so clear to me now.

You hate yourself like I do...

...and that's why you
always come back to me.

Because you think I'm all you deserve.

You're wrong about the stupid part.
That was pretty smart.

Now go get dressed. I need some dinner.

So we'll put that on the books
and see you next week...

...and thank you for understanding
about that silly little office prank.

Yes, well, now that I've met you...

...I can see you're not the type
to engage in that sort of thing.

Bye.

Dr. McNamara, I need to talk to you.

Skip. Uh...

I'm very busy right now.

- Lf you'd like to make an appointment...
- Tracy told me what happened.

Um...

- Let's step into my office.
- I'm not upset.

In fact, I couldn't be more relieved...

...and I wanted to thank you.

- Thank me?
- Yeah.

It was bound to happen to one of us
sooner or later...

...and I'm glad it finally did...

...because it helped me
to finally deal with who I really am.

You don't want to pretend
that you're a doll anymore?

No. No, no.
I still see myself as a model of Ken.

No, I meant that I can finally admit
that I'm gay.

Joe, would you like to meet the doctor?

Nice to meet you, sir.

Joe's been a don't ask, don't tell
member of the Army since '97...

...and an avid doll enthusiast,
like myself.

Skip and I have known each other for years,
only we could never admit how we felt.

Now that we're together...

...we're gonna explore the new
postmodern version of a relationship.

- One that makes sense for us.
JOE: Mm-hm.

- You mean between Ken and G.I. Joe?
- See, I told you he'd get it.

Don't tell me you're here
to have your nipples removed.

No, no, no. Calf implants.

Anatomically correct is our motto.

Wow.

- Nice pad.
- You like it?

- You really live the life, huh?
- You want something to drink?

- I would love a drink.
- Hey.

Hi, Sean.

That's Kimber.

WOMAN: Looks like you're having fun.
- Oh, yeah.

Someone back there's
getting a little hungry.

Hey, Sean.

Tracy, what are you doing here?

TRACY:
I love your Malibu beach house.

Could use some color,
but it's really quite lovely.

I'm sorry about Skip.

No, you're not. Neither am I.

I just can't believe
I couldn't see who he really was...

...even with all the pink cardigans
and perfect hair.

[SIGHS]

Kimmy, won't all that sugar make me fat?

Oh, God, no. This is for Christian...

...but I'm gonna get you some ice cubes.

- But I don't have any nipples.
KIMBER: Well, you have a lot to learn.

The body has thousands
of sensitive spots...

...and we're just gonna have to work
to find yours.

Strawberries.

Come on. Ladies, ladies, come on.
Gabfest is over.

Seanie. How's it hanging, baby?

Beautiful ladies.
Ready to get back to business?

KIMBER:
Mm-hm.

CHRISTIAN:
Keep those strawberries chilled.

What's Tracy doing here?

I'm sorry,
but two Barbies are better than one...

...you know what I'm saying?

- Don't I know you?
- I'm the delivery girl from last week.

CHRISTIAN:
I love hookers. Right?

You can pay them to be
whoever you want them to be.

Have fun.

Ladies. Ha, ha, ha.

WOMAN:
Who do you want me to be, Sean?

You know...

...tonight,
I think you should just be yourself.

Maybe it's you
who wants to be somebody else.

I've done it that way too before.

- Okay.
- Good.

So who do you wanna be?

I don't know.

Someone else.

[ENGLISH SDH]