Nip/Tuck (2003–2010): Season 5, Episode 8 - Duke Collins - full transcript

- Miss McCracken, tell us...
- It's not McCracken. It's Carol.

McCracken's something
I just use for legal stuff.

Divorce papers, bankruptcy
notice, that sort of thing.

And Carol is your maiden name?

No, my professional
name. As in Christmas carol.

I manage the Deck the
Halls store in Reseda,

spreading cheer
throughout the year

with the widest assortment of Christmas
decorations south of the North Pole.

Oh, and these are
the spirits of Christmas.

Somebody have a little too
much eggnog and crash the sleigh?

No, we don't drink and
drive. We stroll and sing.



Hark how the bells,
sweet silver bells

All seem to say,
throw cares a way

Christmas is here,
bringing good cheer

You're professional carolers.

We are all proud members of the Screen
Actors Guild, on honorary withdrawal.

Deck the Halls keeps us
in bread pudding year round

so that we can give the
gift of live music for free.

That's what we were trying
to do before our trip to Venice.

- Oh, your group performed in Italy.
- California.

There we were in our red hats and
scarves, singing Winter Wonderland,

watching the sunset on the beach,
when a tattooed man in blue approached

and advised us that
we were in Crip territory.

Well, I happen to speak Crip,

so I told him, "Chill,
we were friendlies."



But then five men
in blue approached,

and asked if the red scarves meant that
we were sent by the Bloods to dis them.

I said, "Fo shizzle, we were
just spreading the word,"

and, "Please not get up in our grills."
And then I reached for my pitch pipe...

- They beat the crap outta you?
- Maybe they weren't music lovers.

How did you escape unhurt?

I took their advice and hauled
my cracker ass out of there.

Miss Carol, does your status
at the Screen Actors Guild

entitle you to
accident insurance?

Oh, no. That's why we're here.

We saw a notice on
the SAG bulletin board

for the Hetta Grubman
Cosmetic Surgery Fund.

For all four surgeries?

In return for your services,
we are prepared to render ours.

You wanna sing
for your surgeries?

Not just sing, deck the halls.
We will open our storeroom to you.

McNamara/Troy will be turned into
a winter wonderland with live music,

courtesy of the spirits.

Mrs. Grubman did love Christmas.

Make me beautiful

Make me

A perfect soul

A perfect mind

A perfect face

A perfect lie

Sean, really. What are we, five?

Oh, come on.

We've been doing Secret Santa
since college. It's a holiday tradition.

So is mincemeat,
whatever the hell that is.

Well, I think it's sweet. I mean, it's
nice to have some sort of tradition.

Especially when you celebrate Christmas
every year in a bathing suit and sun block.

Think of it as a challenge.

Finding something original
and meaningful for under $10.

Good, so you wouldn't mind
another "Pull My Finger" Santa.

Look, we haven't all been
together on Christmas in a long time.

Maybe it is stupid,
but I wanna do it, okay?

I wanna do the tree
and the big turkey dinner.

If we can't take the time to celebrate
being together as a family when we are,

we're gonna regret
it when we're not.

All right, let's do it.

Now, if you get your own name, we
throw them all back and we try again.

Yes, yes, yes.

Hello? How bad?

Um... We're on our way.

Matt's in the hospital.

What? Jesus.

He's got second degree burns over
30% of his body, mostly back and legs.

We had to wait for his vitals to stabilize
in ER before transferring him over here.

Oh, honey, can you hear me?
Everything's gonna be all right.

Hang in there, buddy. All right?

We'll need tangential
extension, and later, grafting.

We'll do it.

Fine, we'll just prep him
and check your privileges.

By God, I just don't understand
how this could've happened.

Methamphetamine lab explosion.

Excuse me.

- Meth lab explosion?
- We thought he was clean.

And you didn't tell me?

He told us it was over, that he'd
gotten help and had it under control.

He asked us to trust him, Julia.

We'll be back
when we're finished.

He's lucky to be alive.
We need to focus on that.

I'm angry at him too, you know?

Hey. How are you
feeling, sweetie?

The surgery went well.

We'll need to do some grafting.

We'll take some
skin from your ass.

You know, the place
where you keep your brains.

Thank you.

He said you were lucky.
Said you could've been killed.

How could you do this to
yourself? I just don't understand.

In the ambulance, I heard them.

They didn't think I
was gonna make it.

All I could think about was
Jenna, about leaving my baby.

- Don't give up on me, okay?
- No one is giving up on you.

We're your family.

You'll be out in time for
Christmas, and we'll all be together.

No, we won't.
You're not invited.

Your promises are shit,
Matt. I'm done saving your ass.

I'm done being sucked in by your
lies, your pathetic cries for help.

You know what it's
like to be a parent

peeling skin away from
the body of your own child?

A child you delivered with
your own hands? I'm through!

Don't worry. He'll come around.

I'll talk to him.

The bullet entered
at a strange angle.

Whoever did this must've
been up pretty close.

He was sitting on my lap.

Oh, so this was
a lover's quarrel.

What are you talking about?

It was a kid, nine
or ten years old.

I'm sorry, I thought...

Look, I needed some
extra cash last Christmas,

so I took a gig playing Santa.

Oh, merry Christmas
there, Jacob.

I ha d a line a mile long.

The store was gonna
close in a half hour

and the minute he climbed those
steps, I knew something was wrong.

Thinking back on it, it was like
he was on a mission or something.

I asked him what he
wanted for Christmas.

Same as last year. Don't you remember?
Every Christmas I give you a list.

A Nintendo, an
iPod, a digital camera.

And every time you tell me
you'll get me that stuff if I'm good.

Yeah, right.

Being good doesn't get
you anything, does it?

You lying sack
of Christmas shit.

They shot Santa!

Did they catch the kid?

Yeah. But I didn't
press charges.

I mean, the kid's had it tough
enough. Why make it worse?

Well, that's very magnanimous
of you, Mr. Collins.

I'm not sure many people
would respond in quite that way.

We'd have to reopen the wound, clean
the scarring and the damaged tissue,

and then create something
called a Lindberg flap

which we'd rotate
onto the enlarged hole.

I could schedule you
for sometime after the...

I want it done now. I wanna be out
in time to be Santa on Christmas Eve.

Look, Doc, I spent a year
nervous around kids, you know?

It's like post-traumatic stress syndrome.
I gotta get back on that reindeer.

And I like kids.

I don't wanna spend my life afraid
of them, or have them afraid of me.

I talked to Sean about that.

He'll come around.

It just doesn't feel
right, sneaking around.

Well, that's why we should
tell him, just be honest about it.

I wanna wait till
after the holidays.

You know, it's gonna
be hard enough this year,

what with everything
going on with Matt.

Please, it'd just be cruel.

What about Olivia?
You have to tell her, too.

No, she has too much
going on with Eden. I

wanna wait till after
the holidays, please.

It's important to me.

Shit!

Jesus!

I thought you said he was
in surgery all afternoon.

Someone must have canceled.

Hello?

I am not getting in that closet.

Christian!

Christian?

What are you doing?

Just working out, man. I
always do this after I masturbate.

Make sure I hit all
the muscle groups.

I thought we'd go
get a tree together.

I found this great organic
tree farm down on 3rd.

They've got Douglas firs,
and Colorado blue spruce.

Sean, Sean, Sean.

You can't expect me to
work out in front of the mirror

and not wanna whack off again.

You're sick.

You go by yourself.

I could take all night. I
need a lot of foreplay.

I'll wait. I'm not due back in
surgery for a couple of hours.

Can I get you some
water or something?

Get him out of here.

- I am not good at small, dark spaces.
- Okay.

I feel like I'm in
a sealed coffin.

Christian!

Are you done?

Oh, you go, man. I just
wanna take a nap and cuddle.

- Oh, come on. Get up and let's go!
- Oh, you go. I'm all snuggled up here.

It's pathetic picking
out a tree by yourself.

We used to always do it together,
the three of us, remember?

Yeah, I know, I know.
That was 20 years ago.

Now we do things by ourselves, like
tie our shoelaces and pick up trees.

Fine. I'll call Julia.
See if she'll come.

Why is her phone here?

I don't know. I guess I
must've picked it up by mistake

when we played Secret Santa.

All right, I'll go by myself. But if I
hear one word about the size or shape...

I'm not one of your
girlfriends, Sean.

That was fun. Let's
never do that again.

- Have you seen my other shoe?
- Uh... Yeah.

There you go.

- Where are you going?
- Where I should've gone

instead of coming
here. To talk to Kimber.

Sure you'll come out alive?

I don't know, but I have to try.

I mean, the fact is if I can avoid
hurting Sean and Olivia, I will.

But I am not gonna
have my son wake up

and feel that everyone in
his life has deserted him.

You know what?
I'm coming with you.

It takes at least two
to tango with Kimber.

Preferably eight,
one for each tentacle.

O Christmas tree!
O Christmas tree!

Thy leaves are never changing

O Christmas tree!
O Christmas tree!

Thy leaves are never changing

They all are green
when summer's here

They all are green
when winter's here

O Christmas tree!
O Christmas tree!

Thy lea ves are never changing

Go away! Bah! Humbug!

Ebenezer Cruz, where's
your Christmas spirit?

I love that our savior was born.
I just hate the party we throw

and the music.

I mean, take a look at this guy,
getting plugged by a ten-year-old

because he didn't
get a Nintendo.

People go broke, they eat
too much, spend it alone.

Oh, come on, Liz.
After all these years,

do you still need an
engraved invitation?

You're spending the day with us,
just like you do every Christmas.

- You, too, Linda.
- Can't. I'm golfing.

Oh, it won't be the same without
you. We're having everybody over.

Julia's coming and Olivia.

I don't think I
can make it either.

Are you still pissed about
what happened with Julia?

I wish that I were a
better person, Sean.

But maybe we both can learn a
lesson in forgiveness from Santa.

So you think Duke here did the right
thing by forgiving the kid who shot him.

That that punk's gonna
suddenly see the light, go straight.

What movie are you living
in? It's a Wonderful Life?

Should've pressed charges
and locked that kid up

so no one else would wind
up with a hole in their face.

It's about love,
Sean. It's about grace.

Mr. McNamara? Are you asleep?

You have been asleep the
last four times I've come to visit.

Five's my limit. I
won't be back again.

Mr. McNamara, persons suffering
disfigurement from a traumatic event

have to learn how to
recreate themselves.

To adapt to new body images.

Look, look, lady, my dad's
a plastic surgeon, okay?

I'm gonna be fine so try
recreating someone else.

I don't usually force my
services on unwilling patients.

The results are
rarely successful.

However, after reading
your medical history,

I think you are definitely in
need of some re-creation.

You tested dirty for meth.

I'm Rachel Ben Natan, your
burn rehabilitation counselor.

I'm here to assist you.

How did it happen?

It was a falafel attack.

You know those pita sandwiches?

I just had to have one, so I
went to the university cafeteria.

I sat down across the table
from a very handsome boy.

I was quite beautiful. I could
always get anyone I wanted.

When he turned away, I
just assumed he was gay

and went back to my falafel.

I was just about to take the
first bite when he blew himself up.

Seven students died.

There was blood and body parts
and pieces of flesh everywhere.

I don't know how I
survived. I was very lucky.

You think you're lucky?

Well, I've lost my taste for
falafel but I still have my life.

Have you walked
the hallways today?

No. It still hurts.

It'll hurt more if you don't.

- What if I say no?
- Try it and see.

I should warn you, though, I
spent two years in the Israeli army.

Okay.

And merry Christmas to
the biggest dick in town.

Keep it up, Danny boy.

How about that, huh?

All right, get on with your
business. More envelopes later.

So who's the over-40 crowd?

No one, just some ghost
from Christmas past. Shh...

Could you stay close?
'Cause I might need you.

Merry Christmas, Julia. Would
you like to hold baby Jenna?

- Yeah, may I?
- No. You may not.

Emily, will you take
Jenna to day care?

Oh, so I take it you
two are Matty's parents.

I promise you that your granddaughter
will get everything that money can buy.

Great. So she can grow
up to be just like her mommy.

Oh, I don't think we should
hope for miracles, do you?

Wouldn't wanna
pressure the child.

Ram's gonna marry me.

And then he's gonna legally adopt
Jenna once we both get divorced.

Well, that's why
we came, Kimber.

Because we thought you'd like
to know Matt's had an accident.

He's in the hospital, and
he's been badly burned.

Making meth, right? Well,
thank God Jenna was with me.

You're not fit to be near that
child, Kimber, and you know it.

Oh, what, and you're a good mother?
Why, because you went to college?

Or was it because you've never
had to work a day in your life?

Because I was
busy raising a family.

Yeah, you were lousy at it.

You robbed him of everything, Kimber.
His identity, his money, his future.

You're not gonna
rob him of his child.

Don't you think
that the little girl's

gonna be a little bit better
off with Kimber and me

rather than some punk who's
willing to be filmed taking it up the ass

so he could score a
little bit more booyah?

That's my son, you
dick-sucking pimp.

Didn't you guys know
that Matt worked here?

Oh, yeah, Ram cast
him in First-Time Fairies

as a bottom.

- That's the one that...
- Stop it, Kimber. You're lying.

That's the only thing she's good
at, except for spreading her legs.

Yeah. Well, my daughter's
going to have everything.

She's gonna have designer
clothes, gourmet food,

and two parents who love her.

I mean, what's Matt
gonna give her? Drugs?

So stop trying to rescue my child
when you can't save your own.

Could you please escort these
two grandparents out of here?

Hey!

Merry Christmas.

Chocolate cakes and butter cakes

And cakes with lots of spice

Layer cakes and angel
cakes I think are very nice

But when it comes to
Christmastime can anyone dispute

That when you bake
a Christmas cake

It really should
be, surely could be

Yes it would be
positively absolutely

Must be ma de with fruit

Cinnamon, cinnamon

Don't forget the cinnamon

Cloves and spice
Will make it nice

But don't forget the cinnamon

Save some cinnamon

Don't forget the cinnamon

Cloves and spice
Will make it nice

But don't forget the cinnamon

Have a bite of fruitcake

Mmm

Hi, Julia.

I made some fruitcake. It's a
recipe from one of my mom's exes.

She was a real bitch,
but a dynamite pastry chef.

Oh, at least there was
something you liked about her.

I made it for you. As a
sort of a peace offering.

You want peace, Eden?

It's gonna take a lot more than a
fruitcake after what you've done.

You have every
reason to hate me, Julia.

My being with Sean was inexcusable.
Some sort of acting out, I guess.

I really should be back in
therapy. My anger towards you.

I feel terrible about
the way I behaved.

Look, you love my mom.

My mom loves you.

I've never had a real family.
Maybe this could be one.

I used to love fruitcake
when I was a girl.

It's so fattening.

One bite won't hurt.

What are you
doing for Christmas?

Nothing, really. Probably just
go to the movies or something.

I know Mom's gonna
be with you. It's okay.

Why don't you join us?

That's really
kind of you, Julia.

But I don't think Sean would
appreciate my being there.

Well, I don't know. You know,
might help him forgive and move on.

I'd love to come.

It's delicious.

This is what I remember
about fruitcake.

Once you start,
it's hard to stop.

Well, I'll save the rest for later.
You can have it whenever you want.

Mom doesn't really like
it anyway, so it's all yours.

Just a few more
steps, Mr. McNamara.

- Are all Israeli women this...
- Pushy? Yes, it's genetic.

At ease, soldier.

- So how long did you train for?
- Not long.

Women are not really
expected to fight. Thank God.

Didn't you wanna
defend your country?

What I wanted was
to find a husband.

All those handsome,
hard bodies in uniform.

Tanned and sex-starved
from the desert.

So after the army you went to
university to study psychology.

No, to find a husband.

Hey, Matty.

Um, is this a bad time?

We were just finishing.

Rest up, tomorrow we are
going to do twice around the floor.

No, Rachel, stay, please.

Guys, this is Rachel Ben
Natan, my counselor and torturer.

This is my mother, Julia McNamara.
And one of my fathers, Christian Troy.

- Matty has two daddies.
- Oh.

- Nice to meet you.
- How nice for you.

Yeah, it's big fun.

- We've been to see Kimber.
- How's Jenna? Is she all right?

Kimber wants to
keep Jenna, Matt.

I just need some time with her
to talk and show her I've changed.

Apparently she's
filing for divorce,

she's getting married to Ram,

and they have a pretty good case
against you ever getting custody.

No, I'm gonna fight for
her. She belongs with me.

Do you really think that you are
capable of taking care of a child?

She can't wait
for you to grow up.

That's nice. First Dad, now you.
Anyone else wanna throw in the towel?

Matty, come on. Do you really
think that any judge in his right mind

would give you
custody? Seriously.

What is the matter
with you people?

Matt, listen to me. You
want your child back?

Either find a way or make a way.

And stop looking to your
parents to rescue you.

I'll be right back.

Oh. Mmm.

Are you okay?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, I'm just feeling a little overwhelmed
with everything that's been going on.

- Excuse me, miss.
- I'm not going to apologize.

- I meant every word I said.
- What is that, tough love?

Honesty. Try it.

Look, I'm a plastic surgeon.

I know you don't make
much as a burn counselor.

I'd be happy to offer
my services for free.

Why, is there something
you think I should have done?

Well, since honesty
is the word of the day,

we could do a series of skin grafts.
I could restructure your bone line.

You could make
me beautiful again.

Thank you, Doctor, but no.

You might find this hard to
believe, but I'm quite happy as I am.

A martyr?

A survivor. A living example of what
people can go through and survive.

- What's the matter? You all right?
- Yeah.

You look a little pale.

Oh, just... I'm probably getting
the bug that's going around.

Here they are.

Sure?

Can't believe I found
them. What's going on?

What? Oh, nothing, I just... I
must have gotten up too quickly.

Are those pictures
of freshman year?

Christmas Eve before and
after the tree caught fire.

Oh, you guys go ahead and laugh.

You didn't suffer
property damage.

All right? Those Penthouse
magazines were vintage.

- Irreplaceable!
- Oh. Oh, boo hoo.

- Okay, thank you.
- Oh, boo hoo.

Hello?

Yeah. Yeah, well, we were just
gonna do our Secret Santa thing.

Okay, well, I could
meet you later.

Okay, yeah.

You, too. Bye.

That was Olivia. We're
having dinner later.

I see you got your phone back.

What?

Oh, yeah. God, I've been leaving
things all over the place lately.

So who's gonna go first?

I will.

Although I don't know if we can top
last year's "I love my dick" picture frame.

That was good, huh?

Thank you, Santa.

Okay. Green paper, my favorite.

"McNamara/Troy. Put
your tits in our hands."

- Ha, ha.
- I thought that worked

for 80% of our clients.

Yeah, it doesn't get
better than that, does it?

My turn.

Edible undies. Hilarious.

- Dessert for Olivia. Very funny.
- Oh, I have another one.

Hey, you're not supposed
to go over, remember?

- Hey, you know...
- You make us look cheap.

Oh, they're beautiful.

It's not like they're expensive or
anything. It's just... I don't know.

I saw them, I thought they'd
look good on her, and I got them.

I thought they'd look good
with your... With your eyes.

Thank you, Christian.
You shouldn't have.

You guys are
screwing each other.

Sean, I just bought
her some earrings.

The phone, the touching...

- Am I stupid?
- Nobody's stupid. You shouldn't...

What? Take it personally?
That... Let it bother me?

"She's not my wife
anymore? Who gives a shit"?

- How long?
- Sean, I'm sorry. It just happened.

When were you
gonna tell me? Huh?

Christmas Day? New Year's?

You just wanted me
to catch you in the act

when I came home
early by mistake.

You were there that
day. When the phone...

What'd you do,
hide under the bed?

In the closet.

Jesus.

Sean, you know, I am sorry
and we wanted to tell you,

but I just wanted to
wait till after the holidays.

Right, right.

Were you going to
sit me and Oli down

and give us the good
news at the same time?

Oh, what the hell's
the difference?

I mean, seriously.

Look, I know it's difficult, but
you're not together now anyway.

It's not like we're
cheating on you.

You're such a
clueless piece of shit!

We love each other, Sean.

Santa baby, just slip
a sable under the tree

For me Been an awful good girl

Santa baby, so hurry
down the chimney tonight

You left early this morning.

I didn't figure there was any point
in staying in bed if I wasn't sleeping.

I'll say one thing for leaving
the house before 5:00.

There's no traffic.

Look, we've been through enough over
the years to split us apart and then some.

But somehow, we always
end up back together.

I can't imagine anything in
the world that could change that

except maybe Julia.

So I won't see her if it
means that much to you.

Oh, come on. It's not like you're
Mr. Celibate pining away waiting for her.

Why didn't you just go to New
York and sleep with her there?

Or did you have to
follow me out here

and do it under my nose

because that's the only
way you could really get off?

We're not doing it to
cause you any pain.

All right? We're doing it
to see if finally it feels right.

But...

I won't do it without
your blessing.

I don't know if I
can give it to you.

Give you my blessing.

I just don't know.

It looks good, Doc.

Now I can look at my face
without seeing that kid or the gun.

Well, Santa, you're a
better man than I am.

Then you must be
one hell of a scumbag.

Excuse me, I'm in a private
consultation with a patient.

Go on, tell him. Don't
be afraid. Just say it.

I'm sorry, Daddy.

I'm sorry I shot you.

You did it, honey. You
turned the other cheek.

Honey, go wait in the
lobby. I'll be out in a second.

- Your son is the one who shot you?
- It's a long story, Doc.

- How'd you find me, Nancy?
- I followed the money. Like I always do.

I went to get back payment
from the court account

and they said that some ex
parte motion had been granted

for some emergency surgery.

It's not your money,
Duke. It's his.

You should've been straight with us
before the surgery. I want you out. Now.

Oh, come on, man.

The little bastard shoots me and
she comes after me for child support.

I am still waiting for
that apology, Duke.

"I'm sorry, Son, for abandoning
you, for giving up on you,

"for pretending like
you don't even exist."

Not now. Go away!

You put that gun in his
hand, and you cocked it.

All he had to do
was pull the trigger.

Like this.

Frosty the snowman
Is a fairytale they say

He was ma de of snow
but the children know

How he came to life one da y

There must have been some magic

In that old silk hat they found

For when they
placed it on his head

He began to dance around

Frosty the snowman

Ha d to hurry on his way

But he waved goodbye

Saying "Don't you cry"

"I'll be back again someday"

- You need a hand with that?
- No. I got two good ones of my own.

I came to ask you to come home,
spend Christmas with your family.

Thanks. It's okay, I made plans.

You know, when my dad left, I
thought I knew how to deal with it.

He wrote me off, I'd write
him off, son of a bitch.

I thought I had it
pretty under control.

The hurt, and the
loneliness, and the anger.

I'm just replaying it by doing
to you what he did to me.

- Look, Dad, I don't hope...
- He couldn't help it.

He couldn't be different with me,
because of how his father was with him.

We're just passing the same shit
on and on and on and I just want it...

I want it to stop.

Here.

What's this?

Something that he left
me before he left me.

He said it was a box for
me to put my dreams in.

I just figured it was useless.

The only dream I had
was seeing him again.

But I have another one.

For you to forgive me.

I don't wanna give
up on you, Matt.

I don't want you
to give up on me.

You keep this. This
is for your dreams.

I gotta find my own.

And all I know right now is, is that I'm
never gonna be a man or a decent father

until I stop being your child.

I'd still love for you to spend
Christmas with me. With us.

Be around people who love you.

I'm spending it with Rachel.

If I can't be with
Jenna on Christmas,

I figure spending it
with Rachel and her kids

might take the sting
out a little, you know?

She's got kids?

Twenty-four of them. All
in the pediatric burn unit.

It was good seeing you,
Dad. Merry Christmas.

Silent night, holy night

All is calm, all is bright

Round yon Virgin
Mother and Child

Holy Infant so tender and mild

Sleep in heavenly peace

Sleep in heavenly peace

Silent night, holy night

I'm glad you reconsidered.

- Matt coming?
- No. Maybe next Christmas.

Okay. Now, do you feel
like a holiday martini?

- Yeah.
- It's like an everyday martini,

just with a lot more vodka.

Hey, thank you for coming.

It wouldn't be the same without you.
I know how hard this must be for you.

Not being here
would be even harder.

Here we go.

Cheers.

Silent night, holy night

Son of God, love's pure light

Radiant beams from Thy holy face

With the dawn of redeeming grace

Jesus, Lord, at Thy birth

Jesus, Lord, at Thy birth

English —SDH