Nip/Tuck (2003–2010): Season 4, Episode 13 - Reefer - full transcript
As Sean celebrates Christmas without his family, his loneliness leads him to seek solace in alcohol, resulting in possible legal action from a patient.
Previously on Nip / Tuck...
Push.
What are you gonna do?
I'm not gonna walk away
over dumb shit like DNA.
He's not your son, Christian. He's mine.
What are you saying, James?
That you're taking Wilber home with you?
Yes.
I simply need the use of McNamara/Troy
three nights a week after hours.
No one need know about it.
We just don't belong together anymore.
You think she'll like it?
-I could get her the earrings to go with it.
-Yeah, sure.
She can carry it
in her Barbie Bling Bling Bag
along with her Little Mermaid Tiara.
Annie's only 12, Dad.
Don't you think it's a little extravagant?
I think she'll love it.
She'll look just like a princess in it.
You know, she is coming to see you, Dad.
Not for all the loot.
I know.
This is the first time
we'll be opening presents
without your mother and me together.
I want it to be special.
-Listen, Dad, I...
-Hey, what do you think?
For your mom?
I know it's sort of weird,
but I'd like to get her something.
I mean, it's Christmas, right?
It just feels so strange, you know?
Her being in New York with Erica
and not with us.
It's her.
Your mother's got a sixth sense, especially
when it comes to buying her presents.
Hey.
Mattie and I are just picking up
a few things for Conor and Annie.
Did she see a doctor?
Did he prescribe...
Good.
That should clear it up
within a week or so.
Kiss her for me, okay?
And Conor.
Tell them their presents are coming
by reindeer express.
Okay.
Strep.
What are you gonna do?
Looks like it's just you,
me and Kimber, bud.
Listen, Dad.
I'm sorry, I should've told you sooner.
Kimber and I are going on the Freewinds
Scientology Cruise for five days.
We're not gonna be here.
Well, you should've told me, Matt.
I was really counting on the family,
or what's left of it, being together.
I know, it's just...
You know, I got my new family now.
And it's really important to Kimber.
It's a chance for her
to advance to the next level, and...
You know, I can't not go.
Don't worry about it.
We'll celebrate when you get back.
-Yeah?
-Yeah.
Why don't we grab
a cappuccino or something at the bar?
Gotta get home.
-Jesus.
-I know.
It's my night to make dinner.
Come here.
Merry Christmas, Dad.
Can I get another?
A dollar?
That the best you can do?
Come on, bro. 'Tis the season.
You know what?
You're a healthy white dude,
who's industrious enough
to appropriate a Salvation Army bucket
during peak season,
so you know what I think?
A dollar's more than generous, okay?
Now don't be so sensitive.
I just have to do my major fundraising
this time of year.
My name is Reefer.
It's not what you think.
I was a surfer when I was young,
and the name just sort of stuck,
for other reasons.
I knew something smelled
like my old dorm room.
Jesus.
Hey, man, I didn't steal this bucket.
-I found it.
-Right.
Next to a woman in a bonnet,
ringing a bell?
You stay sober, Reefer, and who knows?
Maybe Santa'll bring you a job
for Christmas.
I got your job right here.
-Oh, yeah.
-Asshole!
Crystal. 250 bucks each. No two are alike.
My sister and I
used to make our own decorations.
Popcorn, cotton balls for snow.
Sometimes we'd take
the tops off aluminum cans
and punch holes through them
so the light could shine through.
From cans to crystals.
-You've come a quite long way, baby.
-I know.
But I sort of miss making
something from nothing, you know?
And the tree.
We would wait till the last minute,
pick up the bargain leftover.
Sometimes the branches were half-dead,
but at least it was real.
So's this.
I see we're getting an early start
on the festivities.
Are these the same ornaments
from last year?
A slight upgrade, my friend.
It's a harbinger of things to come.
I just got an eight-footer this year
for Annie.
She's got strep and can't come.
Hey, why don't you guys stop by?
It wouldn't be Christmas Eve without
Christian Troy's famous mulled cider.
We can't. We're going to St. Petersburg.
Christian booked a room
at the Grand Hotel.
Impulse travel.
We're gonna spend a white Christmas
somewhere we've never been.
Some impulse.
Can I come?
Kidding.
Impulse response. Really? That's great.
You guys deserve it.
Give my best to Putin.
Hey, Sean, Sean, wait up a sec!
I need to give you my 10:30 consult.
It's a little,
kind of, provocative for me at this point.
Just consider it
an early Christmas present.
And by the way, there's a gift for you
from Diana Lubey.
It's on your desk.
Mrs. Hickock, tell me,
what you don't like about yourself?
I'm a frigid bitch, according to Hickie.
-Hickie's your husband, I presume?
-Yeah. Well, Hickie is his pet name.
It was either Hickie or Cock,
usually followed by "sucker."
-We're getting divorced.
-Sorry.
So, Hickie was unable to satisfy you?
It's not that I don't like sex. I enjoy sex.
It's just I rarely could go over
the waterfall, if you know what I mean.
So for Christmas this year, I have decided
to ask Santa for a killer orgasm.
And a new wardrobe.
I see.
Well, since I'm not a couturier, I assume
you're here for a G-spot amplification.
If that's where you inject Restylane
into my cooch
and I come like a house afire, then yeah.
Yes.
Just because my marriage is over,
doesn't mean my life is.
That's a very healthy attitude.
I'm going through a divorce myself
and the holidays...
Well, so far they sort of suck ass.
Well, see, we've gotta be proactive.
'Tis the season to stop thinking of others.
We've gotta start thinking
about ourselves!
For instance, what are you
gonna get yourself this holiday season?
New suit, perhaps?
Something a little less brown, maybe?
Sorry. I'm just rambling.
I guess I'm nervous. Needles.
It's actually an easy outpatient procedure,
whole thing takes 20 minutes,
once we zero in on our target.
The G-spot is actually
a web of nerve endings and blood vessels
located on the anterior wall of the vagina.
It can be tricky to find
if you're not used to it.
Sometimes you need a helping hand.
It's somewhere beneath the urethra
and extending to the cervix.
Now, let me know
when you feel a tingly sensation.
Okay.
You know,
you'd look really great in Versace.
Well, thank you.
There's a spongy area that gets
engorged during arousal,
feels like a little red bean.
The injection swells it,
makes it easier to find.
Just do me a favor.
No more Brooks Brothers, okay?
You're a young, good-looking guy.
You've got your whole life ahead of you.
So do I.
We gotta stop living for assholes
who don't care anything about us.
We gotta start taking care of ourselves,
making ourselves happy,
'cause hey, you know what?
Hey, we're the only ones who can do it!
Do it! Do it!
Oh, do it! Do it! Daddy, do it! Oh, do it!
Oh, do it.
Oh, God.
I'm sorry. Sorry to interrupt.
I knocked but you didn't...
No, it's fine. I was just...
-What can I do for you?
-I'm Wendell Sutherland.
You knew my father. James?
Of course. Of course, yeah.
Come in.
How's your father?
My parents were both killed
in a car accident,
two weeks ago
on their way back from church.
I'm so sorry, I...
-What about Wilber... I mean, Gabriel.
-He's fine.
And it's still Wilber.
Little brother wouldn't answer to
anything else, so they gave up.
Said they didn't want to confuse him.
If you ask me,
the kid's got a stubborn streak.
My father named you legal guardian
in his will.
Wow, it's just...
I'm just a little stunned.
Why didn't he give him to you
or your brother?
It was hard on us
when my father brought Wilber home.
My mother never really got over it.
His betrayal.
It suddenly changed everything,
having this baby in the family.
As for me and my brother,
we're both in no position right now.
We have our own futures to think about.
My father always talked
about how much you loved him.
I did. I do.
This is a lot to absorb.
What about his mother?
My father was very adamant that she have
as little to do with Wilber as possible.
He made that very clear in his will.
It's just...
I'm getting married.
Hey, I get it.
Life changes, huh?
If anyone's at fault, it's my father.
He should've let you take him
off our hands when you offered to.
-Congratulations on your wedding.
-Thanks.
Wait.
I haven't said no yet.
What'll happen to him if I don't take him?
The church'll find him a good home.
They're actually the best foster agency
in the state.
Damn.
Look who just stepped off
the pages of Gentleman's Quarterly.
What is that shit? Valentino?
Gucci.
I bet that ran you, what?
Two or three thousand, eh?
All right.
I get your point.
Jesus... Here's a five, okay?
Doc, when a man can afford
to look that good,
it is a sin to walk around in anything less.
Now what are you doing
with all that Brooks Brothers shit?
Forget it. We both know if I give you a suit
you'll sell it for a week's supply of Jack.
Hey, asshole, you think Jesus loves
you more just 'cause you got money?
No.
Do you think Jesus loves you more
because you don't?
You want to believe there's virtue
in your poverty? That's fine.
But don't accuse me of being an asshole
because I'm rich.
I'm not going to apologize for it.
I earned it, okay?
If it weren't for a lifetime
of hard work and sacrifice,
I wouldn't be where I am today.
It's all right, Doc.
Clothes don't make the man
any more than this does.
Pain is pain, right?
Who says I'm in pain?
Man, I'm drunk, not blind.
I'm sorry, Christian, but I can't.
I just finished taking care of someone.
I didn't expect
to be changing diapers again so soon.
It's life, Michelle.
Shit happens, unexpected shit.
Sometimes, you just got to go with it.
At least with Burt, I owed it to him.
But this isn't my child, Christian.
It isn't even yours.
He felt like mine when he was with me.
-I never even thought about it.
-What about his mother?
Why can't she take care of him?
His parents
wanted what was best for Wilber.
If I don't take him he'll go to
a foster home. I've been there.
I know what it's like,
I'm not gonna let that happen to him.
So you'd take him over me?
-I want you both.
-But if you had to make a choice?
Remember when I asked you to marry me?
And you said,
"Why don't we live together first,
"see how it goes, see if it's right?"
Well, why don't you just see how it goes?
Meet him. Hug him.
If it doesn't feel right
we'll talk about it then.
We have a problem.
Any idea why Escobar Gallardo
would be sending you a ham
as a Christmas present?
Not a clue.
Because he wants
to slaughter us like pigs?
Must be some kind of
twisted practical joke.
I'm just relieved it's not a bomb.
You were right to call the FBI.
He's obviously
trying to maintain contact with you.
Can you think of any reason why?
I can't. Sorry.
-You?
-Nope.
Just when I was starting to sleep
through the night again.
We'll be installing surveillance
cameras on the premises.
I'll also be assigning agents
to the periphery of the building.
They're pretty good
about being as unobtrusive as possible.
That would be wonderful.
I can't tell you how much safer I feel.
Good.
If you notice anything else suspicious,
don't hesitate.
-Thank you.
-Yes.
We appreciate all your help and...
-Thank you.
-Thank you.
That's a really nice suit. Gucci?
Nice tie.
Did you know that a dog chases his tail
when he finds himself in a dilemma
he can't resolve?
-You can't stay here anymore, James.
-It's pointless behavior, of course.
But they just can't help themselves.
Just have to keep trying.
-You have to listen to me.
-Or?
You'll what?
Tell the authorities? I don't think so.
You have way too much to lose.
Let's just put up
with this tiny inconvenience
till I fill my Christmas quota.
Christmas is going to have to come early
this year, James.
McNamara/Troy's now under
FBI surveillance 24 hours a day.
There's agents outside the entrance
until they set the cameras up.
So stay as long as you like.
Just make sure they get your good side.
Michelle.
Thank you for warning me.
That was generous of you.
I would like to think
that your decision to tell me
indicated that you still
have some warm feelings for me.
Think whatever you like.
You'd just be chasing your tail.
Thank God you're not finished yet.
-Hey, doll.
-Hey.
Poppy asked if she could be here.
He's one of her closest friends.
He was my neighbor for like 10 years.
The sweetest guy, too.
Oh, God. Look at that.
Is he gonna be able to walk?
Well, it'll take some time to heal,
but once we've debried the necrotic skin
and the pieces of melted boot...
Sucks.
Guy was playing Santa Claus for his kids
like he does every year,
except this time his ex incinerates him
coming down the chimney.
-Maybe he should've called first.
-He did.
They're in the middle of a divorce.
So down he comes, right on time,
straight into a lit yule log.
The bitch pretends
she forgot he was coming.
Can I get a little saline here?
Now everyone's so screwed, too.
He played Santa at our "What a Pair"
Breast Cancer Fundraiser last year
and he was amazing.
I mean, the kids were just all over him.
You know, they loved him and
he was on a high for months afterwards.
All that loving coming to Santa.
Hey, Sean,
what are you doing Christmas eve?
Well, that's really sweet of you
to ask, Poppy.
Actually, I've got this beautiful tree
if you...
No. I was just thinking maybe
you could play Santa.
You know, take some pictures,
have some kids sit on your lap.
You would be so cute.
Maybe some other time.
It's not exactly what I had in mind.
Okay, whatever, Mr. Scrooge,
you enjoy your little pity party.
Sorry I'm late.
What is this? The dynamic dyke duo?
This is one of Poppy's closest friends.
Come on, Lizzy, even lesbians
can enjoy a little levity at Christmas.
You look like you've got enough
to go around for everyone.
I am rejoicing.
"For unto us a child hath been born."
Did I miss something?
You don't even believe in God.
I do now. Guess what. I inherited Wilber.
I know, I know.
It's a long story, I will explain later.
But my son is back.
Isn't that cool?
-Think he'll remember me?
-Well, he was very young, Christian.
Yeah, of course, you're right.
It's ridiculous. He won't remember me.
But you never know, he might.
Anyway, listen.
I gotta be out of here by 3:00,
'cause I gotta go to the lawyer's office
to make this whole thing legal.
I'm not letting anybody
take him away from me this time.
Go. What are you doing standing here?
You sure?
I owe you one.
Wow, that kid is gonna need
a shitload of therapy.
Fine. I'll do the mall thing.
Get me a new pair of boots and I'm in.
Santa could use a little loving.
I don't think that you understand
the gravity of the situation
that you put me in.
Maybe you're just getting used to
a completely new set of sensations.
It's like living on a roller coaster.
The first couple of times? Yeah, thrilling!
After a while, you just have to get off.
Shit.
Oh, God, oh, God!
Oh, God, oh, goddamn vibrate!
"Getting off" doesn't seem
to be a problem anymore.
-Are you drunk?
-No, of course not.
Yeah, you were drunk when you gave me
that shot, weren't you?
I knew I smelled it on you.
Don't be ridiculous.
Look, I'll give you some Hyaluronidase
to decrease the pressure.
This is just not a problem.
Mrs. Hickock? I'm Dr. Troy.
I believe you're unhappy
with your G-spot amplification?
Yeah, I'm unhappy.
Because of Dr. McNamara's
drinking problem,
it is not safe for me to drive a car,
or use my clothes dryer,
or, oh, my God,
show my face again in spin class again.
I'm sure that Dr. McNamara would never
operate under the influence of alcohol.
Absolutely not.
However, we would like to make sure
that you're satisfied.
I mean, pleased.
I would like to reverse the procedure
and offer you some
complimentary BOTOX.
This whole thing will be history
in a matter of moments.
Fine. Whatever.
Just do what you have to do.
I've had enough orgasms
for one lifetime and two vaginas.
You're just lucky it's Christmas.
-What the hell do you think you're doing?
-I don't know what you're talking about.
-Wanna lose your license?
-No.
Then again, I didn't want
to lose my family either, but here I am.
This seems to be the only friend
I can count on for comfort.
I didn't realize
you were in such a bad state.
That's because you live in a remote
little country called "Christian-land."
I would have been there for you
if you'd just lost your wife and kids.
I wouldn't be flying to Moscow with
my fianc??e over Christmas on an impulse.
We're not going anymore.
We're staying put with Wilber.
Look, it's all so new, you know?
We need to stay together as a family,
to bond, you know what it's like.
Yeah, I know what it's like.
I had a family once. You were part of it.
Pretty stupid of me to think
that I'd be part of yours.
Come in.
His bags are in the lobby.
Wow.
Look at you. You're such a big boy.
You probably don't remember me,
but I remember you way back
when you were a tiny, tiny little baby.
Daddy.
Yes, I am your daddy.
We're gonna have so much fun together.
Did you know that?
And I'm going to take
really good care of you, I promise.
I love you.
Hey, guys. Hang on, Santa will be out
in just a minute, okay?
Okay. Where the hell is Sean?
We're getting a little backed up over here.
-Merry Christmas. Thank you. Okay.
-Merrily, come here!
Tell Santa to stop feeding his reindeer
and get his jolly ass out here.
-Hi.
-Got it.
Poppy says your break's up.
Hey, do you, do you know Marlowe?
-Marlowe? Which elf is he?
-He was my wife's elf.
I thought maybe you all knew each other.
Looks like Santa needs a little hand.
Are you a friend of Poppy's?
You know, lesbian?
I've been known to dabble.
But every now and then,
Santa's helper enjoys a good North Pole,
if you know what I mean.
Why you little ho-ho-ho.
So, what do you want for Christmas?
I want a GT full-suspension mountain bike
with a new hydroformed downtube
and a zero stack headtube.
Why?
So you can crack your head wide open
going downhill at breakneck speed?
Won't feel like such a big man then,
will you?
And I want a big chocolate cake
with chocolate bunnies and a whole
house made of chocolate-chocolate chip.
Great.
You want Santa to bring you diabetes.
Is that it?
Is your mom single? She's got nice tits.
And I bought her this beautiful necklace
with this little red crystal heart.
I'll bet she looks just like
a real princess in it.
You think she'll like it?
Okay, okay, you know,
Santa's a little sad today.
It's okay, one of his reindeer died.
Okay, so run along.
Thank you, Liz. You were right.
I'm so glad I did this.
Everybody loves Santa.
We're actually losing money
on these photos.
Santa is freaking these kids out.
Nothing but love, it's waves of love.
You want a latte?
A latte? Well, that'd be great.
Santa could definitely use
a little beverage.
Okay...
You want a little help to the workshop?
-I'm okay. I'm just a little tired.
-It's okay, it's all right.
-I know, sweetheart. I know.
-It's just too much love.
And don't forget,
this is not the real Santa, okay?
This one's just pretend.
So there's no need to get scared.
It's just Uncle Sean dressed up like Santa.
Oh, my God, Christian, he is so cute.
Wilber, you are adorable!
I'm your Auntie Liz.
And this is Auntie Poppy.
-And isn't he adorable?
-He is cute, don't get any ideas.
Well, we came to see Santa.
Right? Didn't we? And do a little shopping.
Yeah. Well, you know,
Santa is a little overwhelmed right now.
I think it's all a little bit too much
with all the stuff.
-Right.
-With Julia and everything.
And you know, Santa is in his workshop
and he's resting.
Did you hear that?
Santa is in his workshop.
Wanna go see if he's making toys?
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
-What are you doing here?
-Getting a suntan.
I come at night when it's not so crowded.
You don't belong here.
I don't belong anywhere anymore,
so why not here?
Right across from my office.
Hey, you should get that looked at.
It could get infected.
My HMO doesn't cover bum fights.
-You got in a fight?
-Yeah. I got paid 20 bucks.
It's the newest sport.
You get a couple of assholes desperate
enough to kill each other, then go at it.
I figured I could get some money
to buy my daughter a Christmas present.
Damn foster parents spent all the money
on their own kids.
What's her name?
Lucy.
She hasn't had a decent Christmas
since her mama died.
What the hell.
All the stores are closed anyway.
I'll do like you said,
just use it to get me some Jack
for another day.
Want some?
Go on.
-Hey, what the hell are you doing?
-What the hell are you doing?
Pain's pain, remember?
You wanna come down here
in the hole with me?
'Cause right now
you're just circling the rim.
If you fall down, you'll find
the walls are so steep you'll never get out.
That's where I wanna to be.
Where it's so dark nobody knows
who you are or what you've become.
I know.
You're just going through
the dark night of the soul.
But you still got light in you.
You gotta hang on to that.
Your nose looks broken.
And you could use some stitches.
My office is not far.
All right.
I think you're good to go.
What about you?
I think I'm good to go, too.
All right, then.
You know, there's only
one other patient in recovery.
Why don't you stay here tonight?
Warm bed. Quiet.
You can take a shower in the morning.
Clean sheets. It's been a while.
Look.
I don't know
what your plans are tomorrow,
but if you'd like to stop by my place,
have a bite to eat.
This is my address.
I'll give you a couple of suits.
If you don't mind brown Brooks Brothers.
Beggars can't be choosers.
You're not a beggar.
You're not an asshole.
Hey, Doc.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas to you, too.
It's cool, huh? That's it.
You just put it on here
and then it's hanging.
There she is. Let's go say hello to her.
Come on.
Come on over. Come on.
Hi. You must be Wilber.
It's really nice to meet you. I'm Michelle.
And that is the most beautiful tree
I have ever seen.
Ever.
Can I help you finish decorating it?
Let's go show her
how to decorate the tree, shall we?
Give me a kiss?
Okay, come on, let's show her!
You can get up? Up the tree?
Okay.
Let's show her exactly how to do this.
'Cause I'm sure she can't remember.
Okey-dokey. Let's put it on the tree.
Hello?
Need anything before I go?
I thought the place was deserted.
I'm solo on Christmas eve, too.
There's a guy in recovery.
I don't know if you're up to it,
but he could certainly use a friend.
Yes. Well, we all could.
-Good night.
-Night.
It's awful being alone on Christmas Eve,
isn't it?
Care to join me?
I'm on the wagon.
On Christmas eve? Nonsense.
It's a 1991 Philipponnat.
It's perfection.
Makes life worth living.
Takes the sting out of being away
from one's family and one's friends.
-I don't have any.
-No?
Except a daughter.
-Far as she's concerned, I'm dead.
-That is so sad.
Well, we'll be each other's family
this Christmas eve, shall we?
After all, we're all alone.
Just the two of us.
Even the night nurse is gone.
-I'm James.
-That's a man's name.
In French, j'aime means, "I love."
Reefer.
Well, that's the same in any language,
isn't it?
It's absolutely heavenly.
Bubbles going to my head.
Reefer, wouldn't you like to join me?
I feel pathetic drinking alone.
Just a little.
Isn't champagne positively magic?
One glass
and all your troubles vanish into thin air.
Cheers.
Why didn't you tell me he was black?
It's just not something
I ever thought about.
All I see when I look at him is him.
He's like a little angel
come to us on Christmas.
One of Burt's plant managers. Hello?
I'll be right there.
A pipe burst
in one of Burt's medical supply plants.
It's Christmas eve.
-We're just about to eat.
-I know. I won't be long.
I'll call you on the way back.
Oh, my God.
-What have you done?
-Such shock?
Surely in med school you must've
encountered a cadaver or two.
What kind of monster are you?
This was a human being!
He had no family or friends.
His only skill was drinking.
At least we gave him an opportunity
to contribute something to society.
And contribute he did.
Briana made a pretty clean sweep of him.
Of course his liver was useless.
She snuck them out in a Gucci travel bag,
a little Christmas present from me.
-Then what do you need me for?
-Clean-up, darling. Garbage disposal.
Or would you prefer that
I left him there on the table
for the FBI to discover in the morning?
I can't.
I can't do this any more, James.
I can't. Please.
Imagine trying to explain this
to your future husband?
It could ruin everything
you've worked for, n'est-ce pas?
I couldn't do that to you.
Not on Christmas.
And after I cut him up,
how do you suppose
we get him out of here unnoticed?
There are agents surrounding the building.
Do your work, darling,
and I'll attend to the details.
Mrs. Landau?
-Agent Kraft.
-Friend of yours?
-She's a patient. Was...
-Yeah.
She's been discharged for Christmas.
We're doing volunteer work together.
Need some help with that?
No, no we can manage. Toys.
We deliver them to the children's hospital.
Pass them around.
That's nice.
Thinking of others on Christmas eve.
Thanks for keeping an eye on the place.
It feels good to know that you're here.
Good night.
-Good night.
-Good night.
-Hey.
-Hey.
Wilber wanted to spend Christmas
with his Uncle Sean,
and I wanted to check up on Santa.
I was worried about him.
What happened to Michelle?
She come down with the flu
or something?
A pipe at one of Burt's plants burst.
That's price you pay for being in love
with a businesswoman, I guess.
Well, I've got some Christmas
chicken noodle soup cooking.
-Or we could order out.
-Chicken noodle soup?
Chicken noodle soup?
We love chicken noodle soup.
Do you like chicken noodle soup?
Do you like chicken noodle soup?
Do you like it?
Yeah, we like chicken noodle soup.
Hey, you wanna help me
finish decorating the tree?
Yeah? Come here. All right.
It's right in here.
-Can I come, too?
-Yeah, you can come.
See there?
We got this.
You hold it by the string,
and you put it as high as you can, okay?
Here. You just got to
pick the right branch.
That's high, too. Very high...
ENGLISH
Push.
What are you gonna do?
I'm not gonna walk away
over dumb shit like DNA.
He's not your son, Christian. He's mine.
What are you saying, James?
That you're taking Wilber home with you?
Yes.
I simply need the use of McNamara/Troy
three nights a week after hours.
No one need know about it.
We just don't belong together anymore.
You think she'll like it?
-I could get her the earrings to go with it.
-Yeah, sure.
She can carry it
in her Barbie Bling Bling Bag
along with her Little Mermaid Tiara.
Annie's only 12, Dad.
Don't you think it's a little extravagant?
I think she'll love it.
She'll look just like a princess in it.
You know, she is coming to see you, Dad.
Not for all the loot.
I know.
This is the first time
we'll be opening presents
without your mother and me together.
I want it to be special.
-Listen, Dad, I...
-Hey, what do you think?
For your mom?
I know it's sort of weird,
but I'd like to get her something.
I mean, it's Christmas, right?
It just feels so strange, you know?
Her being in New York with Erica
and not with us.
It's her.
Your mother's got a sixth sense, especially
when it comes to buying her presents.
Hey.
Mattie and I are just picking up
a few things for Conor and Annie.
Did she see a doctor?
Did he prescribe...
Good.
That should clear it up
within a week or so.
Kiss her for me, okay?
And Conor.
Tell them their presents are coming
by reindeer express.
Okay.
Strep.
What are you gonna do?
Looks like it's just you,
me and Kimber, bud.
Listen, Dad.
I'm sorry, I should've told you sooner.
Kimber and I are going on the Freewinds
Scientology Cruise for five days.
We're not gonna be here.
Well, you should've told me, Matt.
I was really counting on the family,
or what's left of it, being together.
I know, it's just...
You know, I got my new family now.
And it's really important to Kimber.
It's a chance for her
to advance to the next level, and...
You know, I can't not go.
Don't worry about it.
We'll celebrate when you get back.
-Yeah?
-Yeah.
Why don't we grab
a cappuccino or something at the bar?
Gotta get home.
-Jesus.
-I know.
It's my night to make dinner.
Come here.
Merry Christmas, Dad.
Can I get another?
A dollar?
That the best you can do?
Come on, bro. 'Tis the season.
You know what?
You're a healthy white dude,
who's industrious enough
to appropriate a Salvation Army bucket
during peak season,
so you know what I think?
A dollar's more than generous, okay?
Now don't be so sensitive.
I just have to do my major fundraising
this time of year.
My name is Reefer.
It's not what you think.
I was a surfer when I was young,
and the name just sort of stuck,
for other reasons.
I knew something smelled
like my old dorm room.
Jesus.
Hey, man, I didn't steal this bucket.
-I found it.
-Right.
Next to a woman in a bonnet,
ringing a bell?
You stay sober, Reefer, and who knows?
Maybe Santa'll bring you a job
for Christmas.
I got your job right here.
-Oh, yeah.
-Asshole!
Crystal. 250 bucks each. No two are alike.
My sister and I
used to make our own decorations.
Popcorn, cotton balls for snow.
Sometimes we'd take
the tops off aluminum cans
and punch holes through them
so the light could shine through.
From cans to crystals.
-You've come a quite long way, baby.
-I know.
But I sort of miss making
something from nothing, you know?
And the tree.
We would wait till the last minute,
pick up the bargain leftover.
Sometimes the branches were half-dead,
but at least it was real.
So's this.
I see we're getting an early start
on the festivities.
Are these the same ornaments
from last year?
A slight upgrade, my friend.
It's a harbinger of things to come.
I just got an eight-footer this year
for Annie.
She's got strep and can't come.
Hey, why don't you guys stop by?
It wouldn't be Christmas Eve without
Christian Troy's famous mulled cider.
We can't. We're going to St. Petersburg.
Christian booked a room
at the Grand Hotel.
Impulse travel.
We're gonna spend a white Christmas
somewhere we've never been.
Some impulse.
Can I come?
Kidding.
Impulse response. Really? That's great.
You guys deserve it.
Give my best to Putin.
Hey, Sean, Sean, wait up a sec!
I need to give you my 10:30 consult.
It's a little,
kind of, provocative for me at this point.
Just consider it
an early Christmas present.
And by the way, there's a gift for you
from Diana Lubey.
It's on your desk.
Mrs. Hickock, tell me,
what you don't like about yourself?
I'm a frigid bitch, according to Hickie.
-Hickie's your husband, I presume?
-Yeah. Well, Hickie is his pet name.
It was either Hickie or Cock,
usually followed by "sucker."
-We're getting divorced.
-Sorry.
So, Hickie was unable to satisfy you?
It's not that I don't like sex. I enjoy sex.
It's just I rarely could go over
the waterfall, if you know what I mean.
So for Christmas this year, I have decided
to ask Santa for a killer orgasm.
And a new wardrobe.
I see.
Well, since I'm not a couturier, I assume
you're here for a G-spot amplification.
If that's where you inject Restylane
into my cooch
and I come like a house afire, then yeah.
Yes.
Just because my marriage is over,
doesn't mean my life is.
That's a very healthy attitude.
I'm going through a divorce myself
and the holidays...
Well, so far they sort of suck ass.
Well, see, we've gotta be proactive.
'Tis the season to stop thinking of others.
We've gotta start thinking
about ourselves!
For instance, what are you
gonna get yourself this holiday season?
New suit, perhaps?
Something a little less brown, maybe?
Sorry. I'm just rambling.
I guess I'm nervous. Needles.
It's actually an easy outpatient procedure,
whole thing takes 20 minutes,
once we zero in on our target.
The G-spot is actually
a web of nerve endings and blood vessels
located on the anterior wall of the vagina.
It can be tricky to find
if you're not used to it.
Sometimes you need a helping hand.
It's somewhere beneath the urethra
and extending to the cervix.
Now, let me know
when you feel a tingly sensation.
Okay.
You know,
you'd look really great in Versace.
Well, thank you.
There's a spongy area that gets
engorged during arousal,
feels like a little red bean.
The injection swells it,
makes it easier to find.
Just do me a favor.
No more Brooks Brothers, okay?
You're a young, good-looking guy.
You've got your whole life ahead of you.
So do I.
We gotta stop living for assholes
who don't care anything about us.
We gotta start taking care of ourselves,
making ourselves happy,
'cause hey, you know what?
Hey, we're the only ones who can do it!
Do it! Do it!
Oh, do it! Do it! Daddy, do it! Oh, do it!
Oh, do it.
Oh, God.
I'm sorry. Sorry to interrupt.
I knocked but you didn't...
No, it's fine. I was just...
-What can I do for you?
-I'm Wendell Sutherland.
You knew my father. James?
Of course. Of course, yeah.
Come in.
How's your father?
My parents were both killed
in a car accident,
two weeks ago
on their way back from church.
I'm so sorry, I...
-What about Wilber... I mean, Gabriel.
-He's fine.
And it's still Wilber.
Little brother wouldn't answer to
anything else, so they gave up.
Said they didn't want to confuse him.
If you ask me,
the kid's got a stubborn streak.
My father named you legal guardian
in his will.
Wow, it's just...
I'm just a little stunned.
Why didn't he give him to you
or your brother?
It was hard on us
when my father brought Wilber home.
My mother never really got over it.
His betrayal.
It suddenly changed everything,
having this baby in the family.
As for me and my brother,
we're both in no position right now.
We have our own futures to think about.
My father always talked
about how much you loved him.
I did. I do.
This is a lot to absorb.
What about his mother?
My father was very adamant that she have
as little to do with Wilber as possible.
He made that very clear in his will.
It's just...
I'm getting married.
Hey, I get it.
Life changes, huh?
If anyone's at fault, it's my father.
He should've let you take him
off our hands when you offered to.
-Congratulations on your wedding.
-Thanks.
Wait.
I haven't said no yet.
What'll happen to him if I don't take him?
The church'll find him a good home.
They're actually the best foster agency
in the state.
Damn.
Look who just stepped off
the pages of Gentleman's Quarterly.
What is that shit? Valentino?
Gucci.
I bet that ran you, what?
Two or three thousand, eh?
All right.
I get your point.
Jesus... Here's a five, okay?
Doc, when a man can afford
to look that good,
it is a sin to walk around in anything less.
Now what are you doing
with all that Brooks Brothers shit?
Forget it. We both know if I give you a suit
you'll sell it for a week's supply of Jack.
Hey, asshole, you think Jesus loves
you more just 'cause you got money?
No.
Do you think Jesus loves you more
because you don't?
You want to believe there's virtue
in your poverty? That's fine.
But don't accuse me of being an asshole
because I'm rich.
I'm not going to apologize for it.
I earned it, okay?
If it weren't for a lifetime
of hard work and sacrifice,
I wouldn't be where I am today.
It's all right, Doc.
Clothes don't make the man
any more than this does.
Pain is pain, right?
Who says I'm in pain?
Man, I'm drunk, not blind.
I'm sorry, Christian, but I can't.
I just finished taking care of someone.
I didn't expect
to be changing diapers again so soon.
It's life, Michelle.
Shit happens, unexpected shit.
Sometimes, you just got to go with it.
At least with Burt, I owed it to him.
But this isn't my child, Christian.
It isn't even yours.
He felt like mine when he was with me.
-I never even thought about it.
-What about his mother?
Why can't she take care of him?
His parents
wanted what was best for Wilber.
If I don't take him he'll go to
a foster home. I've been there.
I know what it's like,
I'm not gonna let that happen to him.
So you'd take him over me?
-I want you both.
-But if you had to make a choice?
Remember when I asked you to marry me?
And you said,
"Why don't we live together first,
"see how it goes, see if it's right?"
Well, why don't you just see how it goes?
Meet him. Hug him.
If it doesn't feel right
we'll talk about it then.
We have a problem.
Any idea why Escobar Gallardo
would be sending you a ham
as a Christmas present?
Not a clue.
Because he wants
to slaughter us like pigs?
Must be some kind of
twisted practical joke.
I'm just relieved it's not a bomb.
You were right to call the FBI.
He's obviously
trying to maintain contact with you.
Can you think of any reason why?
I can't. Sorry.
-You?
-Nope.
Just when I was starting to sleep
through the night again.
We'll be installing surveillance
cameras on the premises.
I'll also be assigning agents
to the periphery of the building.
They're pretty good
about being as unobtrusive as possible.
That would be wonderful.
I can't tell you how much safer I feel.
Good.
If you notice anything else suspicious,
don't hesitate.
-Thank you.
-Yes.
We appreciate all your help and...
-Thank you.
-Thank you.
That's a really nice suit. Gucci?
Nice tie.
Did you know that a dog chases his tail
when he finds himself in a dilemma
he can't resolve?
-You can't stay here anymore, James.
-It's pointless behavior, of course.
But they just can't help themselves.
Just have to keep trying.
-You have to listen to me.
-Or?
You'll what?
Tell the authorities? I don't think so.
You have way too much to lose.
Let's just put up
with this tiny inconvenience
till I fill my Christmas quota.
Christmas is going to have to come early
this year, James.
McNamara/Troy's now under
FBI surveillance 24 hours a day.
There's agents outside the entrance
until they set the cameras up.
So stay as long as you like.
Just make sure they get your good side.
Michelle.
Thank you for warning me.
That was generous of you.
I would like to think
that your decision to tell me
indicated that you still
have some warm feelings for me.
Think whatever you like.
You'd just be chasing your tail.
Thank God you're not finished yet.
-Hey, doll.
-Hey.
Poppy asked if she could be here.
He's one of her closest friends.
He was my neighbor for like 10 years.
The sweetest guy, too.
Oh, God. Look at that.
Is he gonna be able to walk?
Well, it'll take some time to heal,
but once we've debried the necrotic skin
and the pieces of melted boot...
Sucks.
Guy was playing Santa Claus for his kids
like he does every year,
except this time his ex incinerates him
coming down the chimney.
-Maybe he should've called first.
-He did.
They're in the middle of a divorce.
So down he comes, right on time,
straight into a lit yule log.
The bitch pretends
she forgot he was coming.
Can I get a little saline here?
Now everyone's so screwed, too.
He played Santa at our "What a Pair"
Breast Cancer Fundraiser last year
and he was amazing.
I mean, the kids were just all over him.
You know, they loved him and
he was on a high for months afterwards.
All that loving coming to Santa.
Hey, Sean,
what are you doing Christmas eve?
Well, that's really sweet of you
to ask, Poppy.
Actually, I've got this beautiful tree
if you...
No. I was just thinking maybe
you could play Santa.
You know, take some pictures,
have some kids sit on your lap.
You would be so cute.
Maybe some other time.
It's not exactly what I had in mind.
Okay, whatever, Mr. Scrooge,
you enjoy your little pity party.
Sorry I'm late.
What is this? The dynamic dyke duo?
This is one of Poppy's closest friends.
Come on, Lizzy, even lesbians
can enjoy a little levity at Christmas.
You look like you've got enough
to go around for everyone.
I am rejoicing.
"For unto us a child hath been born."
Did I miss something?
You don't even believe in God.
I do now. Guess what. I inherited Wilber.
I know, I know.
It's a long story, I will explain later.
But my son is back.
Isn't that cool?
-Think he'll remember me?
-Well, he was very young, Christian.
Yeah, of course, you're right.
It's ridiculous. He won't remember me.
But you never know, he might.
Anyway, listen.
I gotta be out of here by 3:00,
'cause I gotta go to the lawyer's office
to make this whole thing legal.
I'm not letting anybody
take him away from me this time.
Go. What are you doing standing here?
You sure?
I owe you one.
Wow, that kid is gonna need
a shitload of therapy.
Fine. I'll do the mall thing.
Get me a new pair of boots and I'm in.
Santa could use a little loving.
I don't think that you understand
the gravity of the situation
that you put me in.
Maybe you're just getting used to
a completely new set of sensations.
It's like living on a roller coaster.
The first couple of times? Yeah, thrilling!
After a while, you just have to get off.
Shit.
Oh, God, oh, God!
Oh, God, oh, goddamn vibrate!
"Getting off" doesn't seem
to be a problem anymore.
-Are you drunk?
-No, of course not.
Yeah, you were drunk when you gave me
that shot, weren't you?
I knew I smelled it on you.
Don't be ridiculous.
Look, I'll give you some Hyaluronidase
to decrease the pressure.
This is just not a problem.
Mrs. Hickock? I'm Dr. Troy.
I believe you're unhappy
with your G-spot amplification?
Yeah, I'm unhappy.
Because of Dr. McNamara's
drinking problem,
it is not safe for me to drive a car,
or use my clothes dryer,
or, oh, my God,
show my face again in spin class again.
I'm sure that Dr. McNamara would never
operate under the influence of alcohol.
Absolutely not.
However, we would like to make sure
that you're satisfied.
I mean, pleased.
I would like to reverse the procedure
and offer you some
complimentary BOTOX.
This whole thing will be history
in a matter of moments.
Fine. Whatever.
Just do what you have to do.
I've had enough orgasms
for one lifetime and two vaginas.
You're just lucky it's Christmas.
-What the hell do you think you're doing?
-I don't know what you're talking about.
-Wanna lose your license?
-No.
Then again, I didn't want
to lose my family either, but here I am.
This seems to be the only friend
I can count on for comfort.
I didn't realize
you were in such a bad state.
That's because you live in a remote
little country called "Christian-land."
I would have been there for you
if you'd just lost your wife and kids.
I wouldn't be flying to Moscow with
my fianc??e over Christmas on an impulse.
We're not going anymore.
We're staying put with Wilber.
Look, it's all so new, you know?
We need to stay together as a family,
to bond, you know what it's like.
Yeah, I know what it's like.
I had a family once. You were part of it.
Pretty stupid of me to think
that I'd be part of yours.
Come in.
His bags are in the lobby.
Wow.
Look at you. You're such a big boy.
You probably don't remember me,
but I remember you way back
when you were a tiny, tiny little baby.
Daddy.
Yes, I am your daddy.
We're gonna have so much fun together.
Did you know that?
And I'm going to take
really good care of you, I promise.
I love you.
Hey, guys. Hang on, Santa will be out
in just a minute, okay?
Okay. Where the hell is Sean?
We're getting a little backed up over here.
-Merry Christmas. Thank you. Okay.
-Merrily, come here!
Tell Santa to stop feeding his reindeer
and get his jolly ass out here.
-Hi.
-Got it.
Poppy says your break's up.
Hey, do you, do you know Marlowe?
-Marlowe? Which elf is he?
-He was my wife's elf.
I thought maybe you all knew each other.
Looks like Santa needs a little hand.
Are you a friend of Poppy's?
You know, lesbian?
I've been known to dabble.
But every now and then,
Santa's helper enjoys a good North Pole,
if you know what I mean.
Why you little ho-ho-ho.
So, what do you want for Christmas?
I want a GT full-suspension mountain bike
with a new hydroformed downtube
and a zero stack headtube.
Why?
So you can crack your head wide open
going downhill at breakneck speed?
Won't feel like such a big man then,
will you?
And I want a big chocolate cake
with chocolate bunnies and a whole
house made of chocolate-chocolate chip.
Great.
You want Santa to bring you diabetes.
Is that it?
Is your mom single? She's got nice tits.
And I bought her this beautiful necklace
with this little red crystal heart.
I'll bet she looks just like
a real princess in it.
You think she'll like it?
Okay, okay, you know,
Santa's a little sad today.
It's okay, one of his reindeer died.
Okay, so run along.
Thank you, Liz. You were right.
I'm so glad I did this.
Everybody loves Santa.
We're actually losing money
on these photos.
Santa is freaking these kids out.
Nothing but love, it's waves of love.
You want a latte?
A latte? Well, that'd be great.
Santa could definitely use
a little beverage.
Okay...
You want a little help to the workshop?
-I'm okay. I'm just a little tired.
-It's okay, it's all right.
-I know, sweetheart. I know.
-It's just too much love.
And don't forget,
this is not the real Santa, okay?
This one's just pretend.
So there's no need to get scared.
It's just Uncle Sean dressed up like Santa.
Oh, my God, Christian, he is so cute.
Wilber, you are adorable!
I'm your Auntie Liz.
And this is Auntie Poppy.
-And isn't he adorable?
-He is cute, don't get any ideas.
Well, we came to see Santa.
Right? Didn't we? And do a little shopping.
Yeah. Well, you know,
Santa is a little overwhelmed right now.
I think it's all a little bit too much
with all the stuff.
-Right.
-With Julia and everything.
And you know, Santa is in his workshop
and he's resting.
Did you hear that?
Santa is in his workshop.
Wanna go see if he's making toys?
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
-What are you doing here?
-Getting a suntan.
I come at night when it's not so crowded.
You don't belong here.
I don't belong anywhere anymore,
so why not here?
Right across from my office.
Hey, you should get that looked at.
It could get infected.
My HMO doesn't cover bum fights.
-You got in a fight?
-Yeah. I got paid 20 bucks.
It's the newest sport.
You get a couple of assholes desperate
enough to kill each other, then go at it.
I figured I could get some money
to buy my daughter a Christmas present.
Damn foster parents spent all the money
on their own kids.
What's her name?
Lucy.
She hasn't had a decent Christmas
since her mama died.
What the hell.
All the stores are closed anyway.
I'll do like you said,
just use it to get me some Jack
for another day.
Want some?
Go on.
-Hey, what the hell are you doing?
-What the hell are you doing?
Pain's pain, remember?
You wanna come down here
in the hole with me?
'Cause right now
you're just circling the rim.
If you fall down, you'll find
the walls are so steep you'll never get out.
That's where I wanna to be.
Where it's so dark nobody knows
who you are or what you've become.
I know.
You're just going through
the dark night of the soul.
But you still got light in you.
You gotta hang on to that.
Your nose looks broken.
And you could use some stitches.
My office is not far.
All right.
I think you're good to go.
What about you?
I think I'm good to go, too.
All right, then.
You know, there's only
one other patient in recovery.
Why don't you stay here tonight?
Warm bed. Quiet.
You can take a shower in the morning.
Clean sheets. It's been a while.
Look.
I don't know
what your plans are tomorrow,
but if you'd like to stop by my place,
have a bite to eat.
This is my address.
I'll give you a couple of suits.
If you don't mind brown Brooks Brothers.
Beggars can't be choosers.
You're not a beggar.
You're not an asshole.
Hey, Doc.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas to you, too.
It's cool, huh? That's it.
You just put it on here
and then it's hanging.
There she is. Let's go say hello to her.
Come on.
Come on over. Come on.
Hi. You must be Wilber.
It's really nice to meet you. I'm Michelle.
And that is the most beautiful tree
I have ever seen.
Ever.
Can I help you finish decorating it?
Let's go show her
how to decorate the tree, shall we?
Give me a kiss?
Okay, come on, let's show her!
You can get up? Up the tree?
Okay.
Let's show her exactly how to do this.
'Cause I'm sure she can't remember.
Okey-dokey. Let's put it on the tree.
Hello?
Need anything before I go?
I thought the place was deserted.
I'm solo on Christmas eve, too.
There's a guy in recovery.
I don't know if you're up to it,
but he could certainly use a friend.
Yes. Well, we all could.
-Good night.
-Night.
It's awful being alone on Christmas Eve,
isn't it?
Care to join me?
I'm on the wagon.
On Christmas eve? Nonsense.
It's a 1991 Philipponnat.
It's perfection.
Makes life worth living.
Takes the sting out of being away
from one's family and one's friends.
-I don't have any.
-No?
Except a daughter.
-Far as she's concerned, I'm dead.
-That is so sad.
Well, we'll be each other's family
this Christmas eve, shall we?
After all, we're all alone.
Just the two of us.
Even the night nurse is gone.
-I'm James.
-That's a man's name.
In French, j'aime means, "I love."
Reefer.
Well, that's the same in any language,
isn't it?
It's absolutely heavenly.
Bubbles going to my head.
Reefer, wouldn't you like to join me?
I feel pathetic drinking alone.
Just a little.
Isn't champagne positively magic?
One glass
and all your troubles vanish into thin air.
Cheers.
Why didn't you tell me he was black?
It's just not something
I ever thought about.
All I see when I look at him is him.
He's like a little angel
come to us on Christmas.
One of Burt's plant managers. Hello?
I'll be right there.
A pipe burst
in one of Burt's medical supply plants.
It's Christmas eve.
-We're just about to eat.
-I know. I won't be long.
I'll call you on the way back.
Oh, my God.
-What have you done?
-Such shock?
Surely in med school you must've
encountered a cadaver or two.
What kind of monster are you?
This was a human being!
He had no family or friends.
His only skill was drinking.
At least we gave him an opportunity
to contribute something to society.
And contribute he did.
Briana made a pretty clean sweep of him.
Of course his liver was useless.
She snuck them out in a Gucci travel bag,
a little Christmas present from me.
-Then what do you need me for?
-Clean-up, darling. Garbage disposal.
Or would you prefer that
I left him there on the table
for the FBI to discover in the morning?
I can't.
I can't do this any more, James.
I can't. Please.
Imagine trying to explain this
to your future husband?
It could ruin everything
you've worked for, n'est-ce pas?
I couldn't do that to you.
Not on Christmas.
And after I cut him up,
how do you suppose
we get him out of here unnoticed?
There are agents surrounding the building.
Do your work, darling,
and I'll attend to the details.
Mrs. Landau?
-Agent Kraft.
-Friend of yours?
-She's a patient. Was...
-Yeah.
She's been discharged for Christmas.
We're doing volunteer work together.
Need some help with that?
No, no we can manage. Toys.
We deliver them to the children's hospital.
Pass them around.
That's nice.
Thinking of others on Christmas eve.
Thanks for keeping an eye on the place.
It feels good to know that you're here.
Good night.
-Good night.
-Good night.
-Hey.
-Hey.
Wilber wanted to spend Christmas
with his Uncle Sean,
and I wanted to check up on Santa.
I was worried about him.
What happened to Michelle?
She come down with the flu
or something?
A pipe at one of Burt's plants burst.
That's price you pay for being in love
with a businesswoman, I guess.
Well, I've got some Christmas
chicken noodle soup cooking.
-Or we could order out.
-Chicken noodle soup?
Chicken noodle soup?
We love chicken noodle soup.
Do you like chicken noodle soup?
Do you like chicken noodle soup?
Do you like it?
Yeah, we like chicken noodle soup.
Hey, you wanna help me
finish decorating the tree?
Yeah? Come here. All right.
It's right in here.
-Can I come, too?
-Yeah, you can come.
See there?
We got this.
You hold it by the string,
and you put it as high as you can, okay?
Here. You just got to
pick the right branch.
That's high, too. Very high...
ENGLISH