Nip/Tuck (2003–2010): Season 3, Episode 3 - Derek, Alex, and Gary - full transcript
Christian and Quentin operate on a group of frat guys, two of which have had their faces stuck to the butt of another. Meanwhile, Sean, Julia and Christian come to blows over what to do with Matt, and Christian has trouble in his three-way relationship with Kit and Kimber.
PREVIOUSLY ON NIP/TUCK...
GUESS I'M EARLY.
MAYBE I SHOULD GO.
WHO ARE YOU?
I'M ME AGAIN, BABY. I'M BACK.
SHE CAME INTO MY OFFICE
FOR A SMALL PROCEDURE.
WHAT KIND OF PROCEDURE?
MATT, IT DOESN'T CONCERN YOU.
NO, I WANNA KNOW.
SO IS SHE A MAN OR A WOMAN?
WHAT MATTERS IS HOW
SHE VIEWS HERSELF, MATT.
ARE YOU MAN ENOUGH TO MAKE UP
YOUR OWN MIND ABOUT WHAT PLEASES YOU?
BUY ME A DRINK?
WHOA. YOU GOT A GODDAMN DICK.
WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL
ME YOU WERE PRE-OP?
YOU SHOULD'VE TOLD ME!
IF I WANNA PLAY WITH
SOMEONE'S COCK,
I GOT MY OWN, YOU GODDAMN FREAK.
I'M NOT GAY, IF THAT'S
WHAT YOU'RE THINKING, DAD.
YOU ARE ALMOST UNRECOGNIZABLE.
HOLY SHIT.
COME ON, GET HIM!
CAPTIONING MADE
POSSIBLE BY WARNER BROS.
HE'S GONNA BE ALL RIGHT, JULIA.
IT'S A SIMPLE RESET WITH
A COUPLE OF STITCHES.
IN 6 WEEKS, HE'LL LOOK LIKE NEW.
I'M NOT WORRIED ABOUT WHAT
HE'S GONNA LOOK LIKE, SEAN.
I'M WORRIED ABOUT
WHAT'S GOING ON INSIDE HIM
THAT'S MAKING HIM LIE TO
US ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED.
HE'S BEEN COMPLETELY
SHUT OFF FROM US
SINCE YOU TOLD HIM ABOUT AVA.
REALLY? I THOUGHT
HIS ERRATIC BEHAVIOR
BEGAN AFTER YOU DECIDED TO
SERVE ME WITH DIVORCE PAPERS.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU TWO?
MATT'S BLEEDING, AND
YOU'RE SO SELF-INVOLVED
YOU'RE FIGHTING OVER WHO
GAVE HIM THE STRAIGHT RAZOR.
CHRISTIAN, THIS REALLY
ISN'T ANY OF YOUR BUSINESS.
YOUR NEGLECT OF MY
SON IS MY BUSINESS.
LOOK, I AGREED TO TAKE
A BACK SEAT TO YOU TWO
BECAUSE I THOUGHT IT WAS
BETTER TO MAINTAIN CONSISTENCY.
OBVIOUSLY, I WAS WRONG.
AS SOON AS WE'RE DONE
RESETTING HIS FACE,
I'M ENLISTING SOME
PROFESSIONAL HELP
SO WE CAN MAKE HIM TALK
ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED.
WITH ALL DUE RESPECT, CHRISTIAN,
YOU KNOW MORE ABOUT THE
DIFFERENT CLASSES OF TEQUILA
THAN YOU KNOW ABOUT PARENTING.
I KNOW ENOUGH TO
KNOW THAT THE POUND
WOULDN'T GIVE EITHER
OF YOU A 10-YEAR-OLD MUTT
COVERED IN ITS
OWN SHIT RIGHT NOW.
WHAT'S HE DOING HERE?
ASSISTING.
ASSISTING WHO?
ASSISTING ME.
THIS KIND OF CRANIAL-FACIAL WORK
IS QUENTIN'S SPECIALTY.
NOT LETTING HIM OPERATE ON MATT
WOULD BE... NEGLECTFUL.
CAN'T YOU ALL DO IT?
NO, MATT. IT'S A 2-MAN JOB,
AND YOUR FATHER KNEW THAT.
THAT'S ALL RIGHT. UH,
WELL, I'M THE SHORT-TIMER.
CHRISTIAN CAN ASSIST.
WELL, WAIT.
ARE YOU THE GUY THAT
FIXED MY DAD'S FACE?
YES.
IT'S OK, MATT.
YOU'RE GONNA DO GREAT.
MATT, COUNT BACK
FROM 10 FOR ME, OK?
- Matt, muffled: 10...
- 9... 8...
11 BLADE...
OSTEOTOME...
MALLET.
♪ AHHH ♪
♪ MAKE ME BEAUTIFUL ♪
♪ MAKE ME... ♪
♪ THE PERFECT SOUL ♪
♪ A PERFECT MIND ♪
♪ A PERFECT FACE ♪
♪ A PERFECT... ♪
♪ LIFE ♪
HOW LONG IS THIS
GONNA TAKE, MR. MILLER?
I'VE GOT A MEETING
IN 45 MINUTES.
OH, LIKE 10 MINUTES, TOPS.
LOOK, I REALLY APPRECIATE
YOU COMING ON
SHORT NOTICE, DR. TROY.
THE ADMINISTRATION'S PRETTY DOWN
ON THE GREEK SYSTEM RIGHT NOW.
WE'D PROBABLY BE
EXPELLED FOR THIS.
HOW'D YOU GET MY NUMBER?
YOU DID MY MOM. HER NECK-LIFT.
YOU DID A GREAT JOB, MAN.
SHE GOT REMARRIED,
LIKE, 4 MONTHS LATER.
CONGRATULATIONS.
PLUS, YOU'RE KIND OF A
LEGEND AROUND HERE.
LEGEND? WERE YOU A
BROTHER AT THIS FRAT?
CHAPTER PRESIDENT, CLASS OF '86.
AND GUYS ARE STILL
TALKING ABOUT HIM.
HE TURNED THIS FRATERNITY
FROM A SAUSAGE FEST
INTO A PUSSY PALACE
ALL BY HIMSELF,
AND THAT'S WHY WE
THOUGHT YOU'D BE COOL.
NOW, WE CAN PAY YOU EVERYTHING
IN OUR RITES OF
SPRING PARTY FUND,
WHICH IS, LIKE, 7 GRAND, BUT
YOU HAVE TO KEEP THIS A SECRET.
KEEP WHAT A SECRET?
WE TRIED WATERING THEM
DOWN AND PULLING THEM APART...
BUT THIS STUFF IS
LIKE CEMENT, MAN.
CYANOACRYLATE. THIS IS
INDUSTRIAL-STRENGTH ADHESIVE.
YEAH. WE TRIED CALLING THE 800
NUMBER ON THE BACK OF THE BOTTLE.
THEY SAID ONCE IT DRIES,
ALL YOU CAN USE TO UNSTICK IT
IS A CHISEL OR A
SCRAPER OR SANDPAPER.
WE SHOULD HAVE ENOUGH LIDOCAINE
BETWEEN THE 2 OF
US FOR A QUICKIE.
YOU WANNA OPERATE IN HERE?
IF WE DON'T SEPARATE THEM HERE,
WE CAN'T TRANSPORT THEM.
THEY'RE 18. WE NEED THEM
TO SIGN THIS CONSENT FORM
TO RELEASE US
FROM ANY LIABILITY.
YOU CARRY AROUND YOUR
OWN RELEASE OF LIABILITY FORMS.
PHYSICIANS GET SUED FOR DOING THE
HEIMLICH MANEUVER AT A RESTAURANT.
YOU NEED TO BE PREPARED.
WELL, INFECTION
SHOULDN'T BE A PROBLEM
IF WE CAN RUSH THEM TO THE E.R.
WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO DO
SOME GRAFTING IN THE OFFICE,
BUT IT CAN WAIT A DAY.
LIDOCAINE OR NOT, IT'S
GONNA HURT LIKE HELL.
HEY, WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
UH, D-DEREK JORDAN.
DEREK, I NEED YOU
TO SIGN THIS FORM
SO THAT DR. COSTA AND I CAN
PERFORM SURGERY ON THE 3 OF YOU.
WE'RE GONNA GIVE YOU
A LOCAL ANESTHETIC,
BUT, UH, THERE'S STILL
GONNA BE SOME PAIN.
NOW, YOU NEED TO STAY COOL
WHILE WE'RE CUTTING, UNDERSTAND?
GOT IT.
THANK YOU, DEREK.
MM-HMM.
AND, YOU, SIR?
SCREW THIS. I WANNA
GO TO THE HOSPITAL.
MY DAD'S A DOCTOR. I
WANNA TALK TO MY DAD.
YOUR DAD IS AN
ORTHODONTIST, DICKWEED!
YOU DON'T THINK DENTISTS HAVE TO
GO TO MEDICAL SCHOOL, ASSHOLE?!
JUST SIGN THE DAMN FORM, ALEX,
OR I SWEAR TO GOD, I
WILL SHIT YOUR FACE.
DUDE, I'M FREAKIN' OUT.
IF THEY DON'T CUT
ME OUT OF HERE SOON,
I'M GONNA LOSE IT
AND RIP MYSELF OFF.
FINE. GIVE ME THE GODDAMN FORM.
AND YOU?
EXCELLENT. YOU GUYS
MIGHT WANNA LEAVE.
IT'S GONNA GET, UH,
MESSY IN HERE. AHEM.
AT LEAST GIVE US SOME ROOM?
PLEASE?
THANK YOU.
CAN I ASK YOU A QUESTION?
MM-HMM.
WHY'D YOU ASK ME HERE
WITH YOU INSTEAD OF SEAN?
I WAS JUST THINKING THAT IF
WE'RE GONNA BE PARTNERS,
THEN WE NEEDED TO BE ACTIVE IN
DEVELOPING OUR PROFESSIONAL RELATIONSHIP.
BOTTOMS UP.
♪ YOU CAN SHAKE AN
APPLE OFF AN APPLE TREE ♪
♪ AND SHAKE-A-SHAKE A SUGAR ♪
♪ BUT YOU'LL NEVER
SHAKE ME, UH-HUH ♪
READY?
1... 2... 3...
♪ I'M GONNA STICK LIKE GLUE ♪
♪ STICK BECAUSE
I'M STUCK ON YOU ♪
SORRY. DID YOU READ THE FILE?
ENOUGH OF IT.
CAN YOU GET HIM TO TALK?
I THINK I CAN HANDLE
A TEENAGE BOY.
YOUR DAD IS AN
EXCELLENT SURGEON.
AS SOON AS THE
SWELLING GOES DOWN,
THE GIRLS WON'T NOTICE A THING.
WHO'S THIS?
THIS IS KIT McGRAW.
SHE'S A FRIEND OF MINE.
SHE'S ALSO A DETECTIVE
IN THE, UH, SEX CRIMES
UNIT AT MIAMI-DADE.
WELL, THIS WASN'T A SEX CRIME.
THIS WAS JUST A SIMPLE
SCHOOLYARD FIGHT.
I MEAN, WHY WOULD WE WASTE
MS. McGRAW'S TIME WITH IT?
BECAUSE NONE OF THE DOUGHNUT-DUNKERS
WHO HAVE INTERVIEWED HIM
HAVE EVEN COME CLOSE
TO FINDING OUT WHO DID THIS.
KIT IS THE BEST DETECTIVE
IN THE DEPARTMENT.
SHE'S HANDLING THE,
UM... THE CARVER CASE.
THIS IS STANDARD
STUFF FOR ME, MATT.
THE FILE IS PRETTY CLEAR,
BUT I'D LIKE TO GO
OVER YOUR STORY AGAIN.
THEY REALLY DID A NUMBER
ON YOU, DIDN'T THEY?
MATT SAID IT WAS JUST ONE GUY.
THE BRUISING ON HIS ARMS IS INDICATIVE
OF SOMEONE HOLDING HIM DOWN
WHILE AT LEAST ONE OTHER
PERSON WORKED OVER HIS FACE.
YOU SEEM LIKE A
PRETTY STRONG KID,
BUT NOT EVEN YOU COULD
FIGHT OFF 3 OR 4 GUYS,
RIGHT, MATT?
WELL... I MEAN, I GUESS IT
COULD'VE BEEN MORE THAN ONE GUY.
AFTER THE FIRST SUCKER PUNCH,
I DON'T REALLY REMEMBER
MUCH EXCEPT FOR THE FISTS.
IN YOUR STATEMENT, YOU
DESCRIBED THE GUY... GUYS...
AS LATIN WITH SOME GANG TATTOOS.
CAN YOU TELL ME WHAT THEIR
GIRLFRIENDS LOOKED LIKE?
HOW THE HELL WOULD I KNOW THAT?
THESE ARE FINGERNAIL MARKS.
WHEN MEN SCRATCH THEY
CAUSE SHALLOW, UNEVEN CUTS.
THESE RUN DEEP AND CONSISTENT.
SOMEONE WITH LONG
MANICURED FINGERNAILS DID THIS.
I WISH THEY'D SCRAPED
THESE FOR POLISH.
YEAH, WELL, WHATEVER. LIKE I
SAID, I DON'T REMEMBER ANYTHING.
UM, WHAT IS THIS, MOM?
I THINK THIS IS
ENOUGH, MS. McGRAW.
MATT SHOULD REST NOW.
THANKS, MATT. I'LL,
UH, AMEND THE REPORT
AND MAKE SURE THE
INVESTIGATING OFFICER SEES IT.
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT,
WAIT. THAT'S IT?
HE DOESN'T WANNA TALK.
THAT DIDN'T STOP YOU
FROM STRAPPING THE
ELECTRODES TO MY NUTS.
HE'S JUST A KID, CHRISTIAN.
I DIDN'T BRING YOU HERE TO
PLAY TETHERBALL WITH HIM, KIT.
YOU'RE TAKING THE LEASH OFF?
BECAUSE YOU MIGHT
NOT LIKE WHAT YOU HEAR.
HAVE YOU COMMITTED A CRIME IN THE
LAST FEW WEEKS, MATT? RAPE, ASSAULT?
SOMETHING TO PISS SOMEONE OFF
ENOUGH FOR THEM TO SEEK REVENGE?
WHAT? NO.
MATT WAS THE VICTIM HERE.
MATT IS LYING, MRS. McNAMARA.
PEOPLE WHO GET ASSAULTED FOR
NO REASON DON'T CONCEAL FACTS.
THEY DON'T FORGET HOW
MANY PEOPLE ATTACKED THEM
OR IF THEY WERE MEN OR WOMEN.
THAT'S WHAT GUILTY PEOPLE WHO
WERE JUMPED FOR A REASON DO.
ARE YOU SAYING HE DID
SOMETHING TO PRECIPITATE THIS?
WHOA. I GOT JUMPED.
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE
TAKING HER WORD OVER MINE.
THE POLICE REPORT SAYS
YOU WERE SOAKING WET
WHEN YOU WERE DISCOVERED, MATT.
THE LAB RESULTS ON YOUR CLOTHES
REVEALED THAT THE FLUID
COVERING YOUR BODY WAS URINE.
WE WEREN'T TOLD THAT.
DID YOU KNOW THAT, SEAN?
NO. THAT'S NOT IN THE FILE.
NOT YET, BUT YOU KNOW
HOW THAT WORKS, DOCTOR.
YOU NEED LAB RESULTS QUICKLY,
YOU JUST NEED TO
KNOW WHO TO CALL.
WHAT DID YOU DO TO HER, MATT?
DID YOU SCREW HER BEST FRIEND,
SLIP HER A ROOFIE, RAPE HER?
WHAT MADE HER SO MAD THAT SHE
AND A GROUP OF HER GIRLFRIENDS
FELT THE NEED TO MESS
UP YOUR PRETTY FACE
AND THEN PISS ALL OVER YOU?
YOU DON'T KNOW SHIT.
I KNOW THAT I'D LIE, TOO,
IF I HAD THE CRAP BEATEN OUT OF
ME BY A BUNCH OF CHEERLEADERS.
THEY WEREN'T
CHEERLEADERS! THEY WERE MEN!
THEY WERE MEN DRESSED AS WOMEN.
ONE OF THEM MADE A PASS AT
ME OUTSIDE OF A SHE-MALE BAR,
AND I BEAT THE LIVING
SHIT OUT OF HIM FOR IT.
I GUESS THIS WAS REVENGE.
WHAT WERE YOU DOING AT
A BAR FOR TRANSSEXUALS?
I WAS LOOKING FOR AVA.
MILITARY SCHOOL?
THE HUTTON ACADEMY IS
NOT A MILITARY SCHOOL,
IT'S A DISCIPLINARY INSTITUTION.
AND THE 2 PLUMS BETWEEN
MY LEGS ARE NOT BALLS,
THEY'RE TESTICLES.
I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT
YOU WANT THIS FOR HIM.
MATT NEEDS SOMETHING RADICAL,
SO UNLESS YOU HAVE
ANY BETTER SUGGESTIONS...
HE'S DEPRESSED
AND HIGHLY ANXIOUS.
I SAY WE START HIM OFF
ON A LOW DOSAGE OF LUVOX,
AND XANAX FOR PANIC ATTACKS.
YOU'RE NOT STARTING
HIM ON ANYTHING.
MATT'S NOT GONNA BE
ABLE TO FACE HIS ISSUES
IF HE'S IN A SEDATED HAZE.
THEY'RE NOT SEDATIVES, THEY
JUST HELP HIM RELAX ENOUGH
SO THAT HE CAN DEAL WITH
WHAT'S REALLY HURTING HIM.
I DON'T KNOW, CHRISTIAN.
YOU KNOW, MAYBE SEAN'S
RIGHT. MATT NEEDS STRUCTURE,
AND, YOU KNOW, MAYBE HUTTON WOULDN'T
BE THE WORST IDEA FOR A COUPLE OF MONTHS.
YOU PUT HIM IN A STRAIGHT
JACKET, AND I SWEAR TO GOD,
HE WILL GNAW HIS ARMS
OFF JUST TO GET OUT OF IT.
WAKE UP, CHRISTIAN.
OUR CODDLING AND
LAISSEZ-FAIRE ATTITUDES
LED TO HIM GETTING PISSED ON
BY A BUNCH OF TRANSSEXUALS.
KIDS WHOSE PARENTS
ARE ON TOP OF THEM
DON'T BEAT DOWN
STRANGERS OUTSIDE OF BARS.
I WON'T LET YOU DO THIS.
IT'S 2 TO ONE. YOU
DON'T HAVE A CHOICE.
YOU ALL RIGHT?
USED TO DO THIS WHEN HE
WAS A KID, WATCH HIM SLEEP.
WELL, HE'S GOING TO BE FINE.
YOUNG SKIN, VERY ELASTIC.
I'M NOT WORRIED ABOUT
THE OUTSIDE SCARS.
THOSE I KNOW I CAN FIX.
IS EVERY ONE OF YOUR
SCREW-UPS YOUR FATHER'S FAULT?
NO.
THEN YOU NEED TO STOP
KILLING YOURSELF ABOUT THIS.
SHIT HAPPENS.
PEOPLE MAKE MISTAKES.
YOU JUST NEED TO BLOW OFF SOME
STEAM, AND GET SOME PERSPECTIVE.
TAKE YOUR HEAD OUT OF THAT VISE.
IF YOU NEED
ANYTHING, GIVE A CALL.
HEY.
YEAH?
YOU WANNA GO GRAB
SOME STONE-CRABS?
I'D LOVE TO, BUT I HAVE PLANS.
I THINK CHRISTIAN'S
STILL HERE, THOUGH.
IF I CAN'T OFFER HIM NAKED
VICTORIA SECRET MODELS
AND A CASE OF CRISTAL,
I'M PERSONA-NON-GRATA
ON A FRIDAY NIGHT.
DO YOU WANNA COME OUT WITH ME?
IS THIS YOUR USUAL PARTY SCENE?
NO. NO, EVEN I TEND
TO SKEW A LITTLE OLDER.
CHRISTIAN AND I WERE DOING
SOME WORK OVER HERE YESTERDAY.
THE INVITE WAS A THANK YOU.
YOU AND CHRISTIAN?
HE DIDN'T TELL ME ABOUT IT.
WELL, IT'S NO BIG DEAL.
IT WAS A COLLEGE
PRANK GONE AWRY.
WE DON'T BELONG HERE,
THESE ARE JUST KIDS.
SEAN, THESE ARE
FOUNTAINS OF YOUTH.
WE WORK ALL DAY ON
FLABBY, MIDDLE-AGED FLESH,
BOOB JOBS, TUMMY-TUCKS, LIPO...
ALL WE DO IS TRY TO MAKE
40-YEAR-OLDS LOOK LIKE THESE GIRLS.
YOU CONSIDER THIS RESEARCH.
HEY, YOU'RE NOT A NERDY
PRE-MED ANYMORE, SEAN.
YOU ARE A HOT-SHIT
PLASTIC SURGEON
IN REASONABLY EXPENSIVE SHOES.
THESE GIRLS ARE GONNA
BE CLAWING FOR YOU.
DOC, YOU MADE IT! HEY.
HEY! IS DOCTOR TROY WITH YA?
NO, HE SENDS HIS REGRETS,
AND HIS PARTNER
DR. SEAN McNAMARA.
RIGHT ON! HEY, MAN.
HEY. WHAT ARE THE BRACELETS FOR?
OH, IT'S A BRACELET PARTY.
THEY'RE COLOR CODED.
SEE, EVERY GIRL WEARS WHICH EVER
COLOR THEY'RE LOOKING FOR TONIGHT.
LIKE, BLUE MEANS THEY LIKE HEAD,
DOUBLE BLUE MEANS THEY LIKE 69,
PINK MEANS THEY'RE
INTO GIRLS, TOO.
SORTA JUST STREAMLINES
THE WHOLE PROCESS.
IS THERE A BRACELET FOR GIRLS
WHO LIKES GUYS TWICE THEIR AGE?
GREEN. MEANS THEY LIKE MONEY.
COME ON.
HOW'S MATT, CHRISTIAN?
HE'S RECOVERING FASTER
FROM THE FIRST BEAT DOWN HE GOT
THAN THE ONE HE GOT
FROM HERR McGRAW.
DON'T LET THIS SLIDE, CHRISTIAN.
THAT KID HAS SOME
DEEP-SEATED PROBLEMS.
I THINK I'LL SKIP THE
PARENTING ADVICE
FROM THE GIRL WHO LIKES TO
SPANK ME WHILE I CALL HER "DADDY."
EVERY GAY BASHER
I'VE EVER BUSTED
WAS EXPRESSING SOMETHING THEY
COULDN'T SAFELY EXPRESS SEXUALLY.
ARE YOU SUGGESTING
THAT MATT IS GAY?
I'M JUST SUGGESTING THAT
HE SHOULD TALK TO SOMEBODY.
3 TICKETS TO THE
VIN DIESEL MOVIE.
I THOUGHT WE WERE
SEEING JUDE LAW.
I AM NOT SITTING THROUGH
3 HOURS OF JUDE LAW.
DOESN'T HE GET CASTRATED
AT THE END OF THIS ONE?
YOU ALWAYS GET TO
CHOOSE THE MOVIE.
WE HAVEN'T SEEN A
MOVIE I LIKE IN 2 YEARS.
WELL, I'M SORRY
IF THE MOVIES I LIKE
AREN'T THE CINEMATIC
MASTERPIECES
YOU DIRECT, KIMBER.
THOSE MASTERPIECES GROSSED
MORE IN THE FIRST MONTH DVD SALES
THEN YOU MADE
LAST YEAR, ASSHOLE.
THIS IS YOUR FAULT.
YOU'RE CONSTANTLY
WHISPERING IN HER EAR,
TRYING TO BOX ME OUT.
YOU'VE BEEN TREATING
KIMBER LIKE SHIT FOR YEARS.
YOU SHOULD BE THANKING ME
FOR HELPING YOUR
RELATIONSHIP GROW
BY MAKING SURE SHE
STANDS UP FOR HERSELF.
KIMBER AND I
UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER.
WE'VE GOT A SHORTHAND.
YEAH, AND YOU'VE BEEN
USING IT TO SLAP HER IN THE ASS.
KIMBER'S NOT SOME
BIMBO MODEL ANYMORE.
SHE DOESN'T NEED YOU. YOU
WANNA KEEP HER AROUND,
I RECOMMEND THAT YOU
CHOOSE YOUR MOVES,
AND YOUR MOVIES, MORE CAREFULLY.
CHEER UP.
IF YOU'RE GOOD, I'LL GIVE YOU
A HANDJOB IN AN HOUR OR 2.
2 FOR THE ONE WHERE THE
GUY GETS HIS BALLS CUT OFF.
JERK EACH OTHER OFF.
♪ YOUR POTION'S ADDICTIVE ♪
♪ MY MOTION IS LIQUID ♪
♪ YOUR POTION'S ADDICTIVE ♪
♪ MY MOTION IS LIQUID ♪
♪ OH, WILL YOU
PLEASE BELIEVE ME ♪
♪ MY POTION'S ADDICTIVE... ♪
HI.
HI.
I'M AMBER.
SEAN. MY TIE.
WHAT DO THE BRAIDED ONES MEAN?
THAT MEANS FOR THE RIGHT GUY,
I'D DO ANYTHING.
THANK YOU.
CHEERS.
I'M HAPPY TO GIVE YOU A
CURSORY EXAMINATION, AMBER,
BUT I CAN TELL YOU
BEFORE I EVEN LOOK
YOU DO NOT NEED LIPOSUCTION.
WAIT.
WAIT. NOW, COME ON.
I'M OLD ENOUGH
TO BE YOUR FATHER.
AGE IS JUST A STATE OF MIND.
MY MEDIEVAL LIT
PROFESSOR TAUGHT ME THAT.
I SLEPT WITH HIM, TOO.
DO ALL SURGEONS HAVE
SUCH GREAT HANDS?
DO ALL ANTHROPOLOGY MAJORS
HAVE SUCH GREAT BREASTS?
YOU ARE CUTE.
HI.
DO YOU GUYS MIND
IF WE USE THE BED?
OH, NO PROBLEM.
UM, I'M SORRY. I'VE GOT TO GO.
SORRY.
LOOKING FOR SOMEONE?
HOW DOES IT FEEL?
IT THROBS A LITTLE.
THIS'LL HELP.
ARE YOU PISSED AT ME FOR
WANTING THAT OTHER GUY
TO DO MY SURGERY?
BIOLOGY ASIDE,
MATTIE, WE'RE FRIENDS.
TAKES A LOT MORE THAN
THAT TO PISS OFF A FRIEND.
WHAT ABOUT MOM AND DAD?
THEY'RE NOT QUITE SO
HIGH ON YOU RIGHT NOW.
THEY WANNA SEND YOU
TO HUTTON ACADEMY
FOR THE REST OF THE SEMESTER.
THAT PLACE IS A
PRISON CAMP, MAN.
THEY CAN'T DO THAT.
TECHNICALLY, THEY CAN,
BUT WE'RE NOT GONNA LET 'EM.
TO MAKE THE SITUATION RIGHT,
YOU AND I HAVE
TO WORK AS A TEAM.
THIS IS AN ANTIDEPRESSANT.
TAKE ONE TABLET EVERY MORNING.
THIS IS FOR ANXIETY ATTACKS.
TAKE ONE TABLET EVERY TIME
YOU FEEL LIKE YOU'RE LOSING IT.
BUT NO BOOZE WITH THESE? HMM?
OK.
NOT SO FAST.
WE'RE TEAMMATES, RIGHT?
YEAH.
I WANNA KNOW THE
TRUTH ABOUT YOU AND AVA.
WERE YOU COMPLETELY FOOLED
OR WAS THERE SOMETHING ABOUT
HER BEING A MAN THAT WORKED FOR YOU?
WHY DOES EVERYONE
SUDDENLY THINK I'M GAY?
BECAUSE YOU AND I
BOTH KNOW YOU DIDN'T GO
TO THAT TRANNY BAR BELIEVING
YOU'D ACTUALLY FIND HER.
LOOK, IT'S TOTALLY
COOL WITH ME IF YOU ARE.
LOOK, I LIKE GIRLS, OK?
I LIKED AVA BECAUSE I
THOUGHT SHE WAS ONE.
I GUESS SOMEONE WITH YOUR LIMITED
EXPERIENCE COULD BE FOOLED BY HER.
IT WAS ONLY THROUGH MY
EXTENSIVE VAGINAL EXPERTISE
THAT I REALIZED I WAS
INSIDE SOMETHING ARTIFICIAL.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN INSIDE?
DID YOU SLEEP WITH HER?
JUST ONCE.
HOW ELSE DO YOU THINK WE
REALIZED SHE WAS A POST-OP?
YOU CALL YOURSELF A FRIEND?!
HEY! FRIENDS DON'T SLEEP
WITH EACH OTHER'S GIRLFRIENDS!
OH, WAIT. BUT I GUESS YOU HAVE A
HABIT OF DOING THAT, DON'T YOU?
I WAS TRYING TO SAVE YOU
FROM HER, YOU LITTLE SHIT.
I THOUGHT THAT IF
SHE HAD SEX WITH ME,
YOU WOULD SEE HER FOR THE
MANIPULATIVE SLUT THAT SHE IS.
OH? AND HOW DID YOU THINK I WAS
GONNA FEEL ABOUT YOU AFTERWARDS?
I DIDN'T CARE!
I'D RATHER YOU HATE ME THAN
SEE YOU DESTROY YOURSELF.
LET HER GO.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
OH, I'M SORRY. I
WAS JUST PICKING UP
A COUPLE OF THINGS
TO BRING TO MATT,
YOU KNOW, MAKE HIM
FEEL MORE AT HOME.
I GUESS I'VE BEEN LINGERING.
I KNOW THE FEELING.
I ACTUALLY FELL ASLEEP
IN HERE LAST NIGHT.
WHAT HAPPENED TO US, SEAN?
YOU KNOW, I LOOK AT HIS BED,
AND I REMEMBER THE 3
OF US SPENDING ALL DAY
IN THAT DAMN FURNITURE
SHOWROOM HAGGLING OVER $200,
REMEMBER, WITH THE SALESMAN
WEARING THE BAD TOUPEE.
OH, GOD.
THOSE PARENTS WOULD HAVE
NEVER LET THIS ALL HAPPEN.
THEY WERE NAIVE, BUT...
THEY LOVED EACH OTHER.
THERE'S STILL LOVE, JULIE.
IT'S JUST...
IT'S JUST BURIED
UNDER ALL THIS... SHIT.
LOOK WHAT I FOUND AT THE
BOTTOM OF THE DESK DRAWER.
"HAPPY ANNIVERSARY TO DR. AND
MRS. PERFECT, LOVE MATT... YOUR SON."
HA! THAT'S GREAT.
WHEN IS THIS FROM?
FOURTH GRADE.
I SHOULDN'T HAVE
BLAMED YOU FOR ALL THIS.
JUST TELL ME EVERYTHING'S
GONNA BE ALL RIGHT.
EVERYTHING IS
GONNA BE ALL RIGHT.
VERY NICE.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
I THOUGHT I'D CHECK MYSELF OUT.
I DON'T CARE HOW EXPENSIVE THE
SHEETS ARE IN THAT RECOVERY SPA,
IT STILL SMELLS LIKE
A DAMN HOSPITAL.
THAT'S BECAUSE IT
IS A HOSPITAL, MATT,
FOR PATIENTS THAT NEED
AROUND-THE-CLOCK MONITORING.
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE ON
IV FLUIDS FOR 2 MORE DAYS.
I CAN SEE WHY YOU'D
WANT ME THERE.
WHAT'S THE MATTER, YOUR OWN
BED HAVE TOO MANY BAD MEMORIES?
THIS ISN'T WHAT IT
LOOKS LIKE, MATT.
HEY, IT'S COOL. IF YOU GUYS
WANNA GIVE IT ANOTHER GO...
NO, WE'RE NOT
GIVING IT ANOTHER GO.
IT WAS A ONE-TIME THING.
I'M GONNA GO PUT CLEAN
SHEETS ON MY BED...
AND TAKE A NAP.
XANAX?!
WHO PRESCRIBED THESE FOR YOU?
MY DAD.
SEE, THAT'S THE ADVANTAGE
OF HAVING 3 PARENTS.
YOU CAN ALWAYS BE SURE THAT
ONE'S GONNA GIVE YOU WHAT YOU NEED.
HEY... HEY! DON'T PUT
YOUR HANDS ON ME!
THESE DRUGS ARE ONLY GONNA
STOP YOUR PAIN TEMPORARILY.
THEY'RE NOT GONNA HELP YOU
DEAL WITH YOUR REAL PROBLEMS.
YOU MIGHT THINK YOU
OUTRANK EVERYONE,
BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU HAVE
ANY IDEA WHAT I NEED RIGHT NOW.
THEN TELL US, MATT.
WE'RE YOUR PARENTS.
WE'RE NOT THE ENEMY.
YES, TELL ME. DO YOU NEED
ME TO HUG YOU? HIT YOU?
WHATEVER IT TAKES TO
GET YOU BACK, I'LL DO IT.
THEN GIVE ME MY PILLS
AND LEAVE ME ALONE.
I CAN'T DO THAT.
YOU'RE IN NO CONDITION
TO BE SELF-MEDICATING.
DON'T ASK ME WHAT I
NEED IF YOU'RE NOT WILLING
TO GIVE IT TO ME, ALL RIGHT?
GOT IT.
♪ STUCK ON YOU ♪
♪ GOT THIS FEELING DOWN DEEP IN
MY SOUL THAT I JUST CAN'T LOSE ♪
♪ GUESS I'M ON MY WAY ♪
♪ NEEDED A FRIEND ♪
♪ AND THE WAY I FEEL NOW I GUESS
I'LL BE WITH YOU TILL THE END ♪
♪ GUESS I'M ON MY WAY ♪
♪ MIGHTY GLAD YOU STAYED ♪
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU TOOK THOSE
FRAT BOYS UP ON THEIR OFFER.
ROCKIN' THE CRADLE OF LOVE, HUH?
YEAH. IT WAS ALMOST TOO EASY.
WE WERE LIKE THESE
2 VULVA MAGNETS.
WE?
YEAH. SEAN CAME WITH ME.
SEAN? I... CAN'T SEE SEAN
ENJOYING SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
WELL, TELL THAT TO THE CO-ED
WHO HAD HER HEAD IN HIS LAP.
♪ I'M LEAVING ON THAT
MIDNIGHT TRAIN TO BOULDER ♪
I WISH I HAD THE ENERGY FOR
A LITTLE VAGINA U, BUT, UH...
I GOT MY HANDS FULL AT HOME.
OH? GIRLFRIEND?
MY GIRLFRIEND I CAN HANDLE.
IT'S MY GIRLFRIEND'S
GIRLFRIEND THAT'S WIPING ME OUT.
YOU ARE MY IDOL.
HOW DO YOU GET UP FOR WORK?
THE SEX ISN'T THE TIRING PART.
IT'S THE CONSTANT
JOCKEYING FOR POSITION.
I FIND MYSELF FIGHTING NONSTOP
TO KEEP MY STATUS
AS COCK OF THE WALK.
OHH. SOUNDS LIKE QUITE A BURDEN.
HEY, ANYTIME I
CAN HELP YOU OUT...
HOW ABOUT TONIGHT?
I'M SERIOUS. I...
I NEED A BREAK.
COME TAKE KIT OFF MY
HANDS FOR THE NIGHT, HMM?
COLLEGE BJ's ARE NICE, Q,
BUT, UH, AIM A LITTLE HIGHER.
CHRISTIAN, ARE YOU SURE THERE'S
NOT GONNA BE ANY JEALOUSY?
I'D HATE TO HAVE THINGS
BE AWKWARD AROUND HERE.
HARDLY.
I'D CONSIDER IT A...
PERSONAL FAVOR.
SO, CHRISTIAN TELLS ME
THAT YOU'RE WORKING
THE CARVER CASE.
ANY LEADS?
SOME.
YOU'VE GOT TO STALK
HIS KIND OF PREDATOR.
IT TAKES TIME. MY LAST
CASE TOOK 2 YEARS.
SOME PSYCHO NEAR STEPNEY GREEN
WHO GOT OFF ON
ATTACKING COUPLES.
HE'D TIE THE MAN UP AND THEN MAKE
HIM WATCH AS HE RAPED THE GIRL.
WELL, THERE'S A
FETISH FOR EVERYONE,
ISN'T THERE?
I'M SORRY, KIMBER, UH...
THIS IS VERY EMBARRASSING.
I'M COMPLETELY STAR-STRUCK.
I... I'VE SEEN ALL YOUR MOVIES.
HOW SWEET.
I HAVE A NEW SERIES COMING UP.
IT'S CALLED TWO GIRLS,
A GUY, AND A CUM FACE.
IT'S LOOSELY BASED ON
OUR PERSONAL EXPERIENCES.
WE'LL BE SURE TO
SEND YOU THE DVDs.
PORN'S FOR FAT KIDS.
WHY NOT OFFER
HIM THE REAL THING?
I... I WOULDN'T WANT TO IMPOSE.
CHRISTIAN WON'T MIND A
FRIEND LENDING A HAND.
NOT AT ALL. QUENTIN, IF
THAT'S WHAT KIT WANTS,
SHE'S ALL YOURS.
IF YOU LIKE HER MOVIES,
WAIT 'TIL YOU HAVE HER
WHEN SHE'S NOT ACTING.
SHE TASTES LIKE
HOME MAPLE SYRUP.
KIMBER ISN'T A CONDIMENT
FROM IHOP, SWEETHEART.
SHE'S NOT TO BE PASSED
AROUND THE TABLE.
IT'S NOT YOUR PLACE TO INVITE
HIM INTO OUR ARRANGEMENT, KIT.
YOU'RE RIGHT, CHRISTIAN.
WE NEED A MAJORITY.
WOULD YOU LIKE US TO MAKE
LOVE TO QUENTIN TONIGHT, BABY?
SURE. WHY NOT?
THEN IT'S DECIDED.
UNLESS YOU'RE
UNCOMFORTABLE, CHRISTIAN.
OR INTIMIDATED.
BABY, DON'T WORRY. IF
HE'S TAKING CARE OF HER,
THEN I CAN HAVE YOU
ALL TO MYSELF AGAIN.
TO, UM, EVEN NUMBERS.
CHEERS.
HELLO?
IS MATT THERE?
NO, WHAT'S WRONG?
WHAT'S WRONG IS THAT
OUR SON HAS POLISHED OFF
OUR ENTIRE LIQUOR CABINET.
HOW DO YOU KNOW IT WAS HIM?
RIGHT, JULIA, I
SHOULDN'T ASSUME.
MAYBE THE BOOZE ELVES HAD A
BIG BLOWOUT WHILE I WAS AT WORK!
OH, JESUS, HE KNOWS HE'S
NOT SUPPOSED TO BE DRINKING.
IF MATT SHOWS UP THERE,
TELL HIM I EXPECT HIM
AND YOU AND CHRISTIAN
OVER HERE TOMORROW
NIGHT TO SETTLE THIS.
♪ HEY, HOW YOU
DOIN', LIL' MAMA? ♪
♪ LET ME WHISPER IN YOUR EAR ♪
♪ TELL YOU SOMETHIN' THAT
YOU MIGHT LIKE TO HEAR ♪
♪ YOU GOT A SEXY... BODY
AND YOUR... LOOK SOFT ♪
♪ MIND IF I TOUCH IT
AND SEE IF IT'S SOFT? ♪
♪ NAW, I'M JUST PLAYIN'
LET'S JUST SAY I CAN ♪
♪ AND I'M KNOWN TO
BE A REAL NASTY MAN ♪
♪ AND THEY SAY A CLOSED
MOUTH DON'T GET FED ♪
♪ SO I DON'T MIND
ASKING FOR... ♪
♪ YOU HEARD WHAT I SAID ♪
♪ HAVE YO' LEGS
OPEN ALL IN THE BUTT ♪
♪ DO IT SLAPPIN'... 'CAUSE
THE SEX GETS ROUGH ♪
♪ SWITCH THE POSITIONS AND
READY TO GET DOWN TO BUSINESS ♪
♪ SO YOU CAN SEE WHAT
YOU'VE BEEN MISSIN' ♪
♪ YOU MIGHT HAVE HAD SOME BUT
YOU NEVER HAD NONE LIKE THIS ♪
♪ JUST WAIT TILL YOU SEE MY... ♪
♪ OOOH ♪
♪ WAIT TILL YOU SEE MY... ♪
♪ OH ♪
♪ WAIT TILL YOU SEE MY... ♪
♪ OH ♪
♪ WAIT TILL YOU SEE MY... ♪
♪ OH ♪
♪ WAIT TILL YOU SEE MY... ♪
♪ OH ♪
♪ WAIT TILL YOU SEE MY... ♪
♪ OH ♪
♪ WAIT TILL YOU SEE MY... ♪
♪ AHHH ♪
♪ WAIT TILL YOU SEE MY... ♪
♪ OH ♪
WHAT'S WRONG?
TELL ME THAT WAS
AN ACCIDENT, QUENTIN.
RELAX, CHRISTIAN. WE'RE
ALL JUST HAVING A GOOD TIME.
NO, I NEED TO HEAR HIM SAY IT.
I NEED TO HEAR HIM SAY THAT
HE DID NOT MEAN TO GRAB MY ASS.
I THINK I SHOULD GO.
WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL
ME THAT YOU WERE BI?
YOU DIDN'T TELL ME THE SPECIFICS
OF YOUR SEX LIFE
UNTIL THIS AFTERNOON.
FRANKLY, I ASSUMED
YOU WERE, TOO.
WELL, I'M NOT.
WELL, THIS IS MY FAULT.
I BROKE RULE NUMBER ONE.
NEVER CUM WHERE YOU EAT.
THANK YOU FOR A LOVELY EVENING.
YOU'RE BOTH INCREDIBLE.
WELL DONE, CHRISTIAN.
GET OUT OF MY BED. EXCUSE ME?
I'M TIRED OF ALL
THIS 3-WAY BULLSHIT.
I WANT MY GIRLFRIEND
BACK. SHE'S MINE.
KIMBER ISN'T A
POSSESSION, CHRISTIAN.
SHE DOESN'T BELONG TO YOU.
YES, I DO.
YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL,
AND YOU'RE REALLY AMAZING, KIT,
BUT I AGREED TO LET YOU JOIN US
BECAUSE I THOUGHT IT WOULD HELP
MAKE CHRISTIAN FEEL BETTER.
NOW HE DOES. I LIKE
YOU, BUT I LOVE HIM.
I HAD HIGHER EXPECTATIONS OF
YOU, CHRISTIAN, BUT THE TRUTH IS,
YOU'RE NOTHING MORE THAN
A DOMESTICATED HOUSE CAT
WITH AN EXPENSIVE HAIRCUT
AND NO SENSE OF ADVENTURE.
DOMESTICATED OR NOT,
THERE'S NO PUSSY FOR YOU HERE.
GO FIND ONE SOMEPLACE ELSE.
YOU'LL NEVER FEEL TRULY
SAFE WITH HIM, KIMBER.
MATT WILL BE AT
MY HOUSE AT 7:00.
I'LL GET TAKEOUT.
DON'T ORDER FOR
ME. I WON'T BE THERE.
THIS IS IMPORTANT, CHRISTIAN.
WHICH IS WHY HE NEEDS
HIS PARENTS THERE.
HIS REAL PARENTS.
WHAT HAPPENED TO
MR. HANDS-ON DAD?
THREES DON'T WORK.
SOME OLD CUSTOMS ARE STILL
AROUND FOR GOOD REASON.
ONE WIFE, ONE
HUSBAND, 2 PARENTS.
IT WOULD HELP US
TO HAVE YOU THERE.
HE RESPECTS YOUR OPINION
MORE THAN ANY OF OURS RIGHT NOW.
I'VE GOT AN 8:30
LIFT WITH QUENTIN.
MAKE SURE YOU DON'T
DROP THE SCALPEL.
OUR NEW PARTNER...
PLAYS FOR BOTH TEAMS.
YOU'RE JOKING. MM-HMM.
HOW DO YOU KNOW?
HE MADE A PASS AT ME LAST NIGHT.
YOU SURE IT WAS A PASS?
COULD YOU HAVE
MISCONSTRUED SOMETHING?
I'VE NEVER HAD A BUDDY TRY
TO SNAKE HIS PINKIE UP MY ASS
JUST FOR SHITS AND GIGGLES.
I KNEW THERE WAS SOMETHING WEIRD
ABOUT THE WAY HE WAS
LOOKING AT ME AT THAT PARTY.
MAKES SENSE. I THINK HE'S
GOT A LITTLE MAN-CRUSH ON YOU.
ON ME?! YOU'RE THE
ONE HE TRIED TO SCREW.
SOMEBODY TELL A GOOD JOKE?
NO, JUST SOMETHING I SAW
IN THE PAPER THIS MORNING.
OH. IT MUST HAVE BEEN
A PRETTY FUNNY ARTICLE.
YEAH.
YEAH.
UH, HEY...
DID EITHER OF YOU READ
THE ARTICLE LAST WEEK
ABOUT THE OHIO STATE
SUPREME COURT RULING
THAT UPHELD A $6 MILLION
AWARD TO A BISEXUAL WOMAN
WHO ACCUSED THE LAW OFFICES
WHERE SHE WAS CLERKING
OF TURNING HER SEXUAL PRACTICES
INTO WATER COOLER GOSSIP?
IT WAS A LANDMARK CASE.
$6 MILLION. THAT SETS A
MOTHERLODE OF A PRECEDENT, EH?
BASICALLY SHUT THE FIRM DOWN.
SEE YOU IN SURGERY.
OH, GOD.
MATT, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
YOU WERE SUPPOSED
TO BE HERE 2 HOURS AGO.
OH, I MUST HAVE
LOST TRACK OF TIME.
MATTIE, THIS IS SERIOUS.
OH, I'M SURE IT IS, MAN,
BUT, UH, MY FACE IS KILLING ME,
SO MAYBE WE CAN GET TOGETHER
AT THE DYSFUNCTIONAL
FAMILY CHRISTMAS PARTY, HUH?
THAT'S ENOUGH, MATT.
YOU BEEN DRINKING AGAIN?
YEAH, JUST A COUPLE OF BEERS.
WHO ARE YOU?
I DON'T EVEN RECOGNIZE
YOU ANYMORE.
THAT'S FUNNY BECAUSE YOU
ALL LOOK SO FAMILIAR TO ME.
EVERYTHING OUT OF YOUR MOUTH
IS SOME KIND OF SNIDE,
SMARTASS COMMENT.
WHAT'S HAPPENED TO YOU?
WELL, UH... LET'S SEE.
IN THE PAST COUPLE OF MONTHS,
I FOUND OUT THAT MY DAD'S
BEST FRIEND IS MY REAL DAD,
MY OLD DAD BEAT THE
CRAP OUT OF MY MOM
WHO THREW HER OUT OF THE HOUSE,
MY PARENTS RUINED
MY RELATIONSHIP
WITH THE ONLY
WOMAN I'VE EVER LOVED
AND THEN LET IT SLIP THAT
NOT ONLY WAS SHE A MAN,
THAT ONE OF THEM SLEPT WITH HER.
IS THAT ENOUGH?
OR SHOULD I GO ON?
WE UNDERSTAND, MATT, AND THAT'S
WHY WE'VE CALLED THIS MEETING
TO TALK THROUGH YOUR FEELINGS
ABOUT EVERYTHING
THAT'S HAPPENED.
WE KNOW WE SCREWED THE POOCH.
THIS IS OUR CHANCE
TO MAKE IT RIGHT.
TO BE A FAMILY AGAIN.
YOU WANT A FAMILY?
YOU FIND SOMEONE SICK
ENOUGH TO WANT ONE WITH YOU.
LISTEN, YOU THINK YOU'RE A MAN?
YOU WANT TO HEAR IT LIKE A MAN?
YOUR MOTHER AND I
SACRIFICED EVERYTHING FOR YOU.
SHE BURIED HER DREAMS AND I
SOLD MY SOUL TO THAT BUSINESS
SO THAT WE COULD PROVIDE YOU
WITH THE THINGS WE DIDN'T HAVE.
DON'T TELL ME WE'VE
TURNED YOU INTO THIS!
WE'VE GIVEN OUR
LIVES FOR THIS FAMILY!
YOU DON'T HAVE THE
RIGHT TO WALK OUT ON IT!
WATCH ME.
MATTIE, PLEASE... OH, GOD!
NO!
YOU WOULDN'T DARE MESS
UP YOUR PERFECT WORK.
I ALREADY HAVE.
OH!
OH, MY GOD!
OH, MY GOD!
AAH!
CAPTIONING MADE
POSSIBLE BY WARNER BROS.
♪ MAKE ME BEAUTIFUL ♪
♪ LIFE ♪
GUESS I'M EARLY.
MAYBE I SHOULD GO.
WHO ARE YOU?
I'M ME AGAIN, BABY. I'M BACK.
SHE CAME INTO MY OFFICE
FOR A SMALL PROCEDURE.
WHAT KIND OF PROCEDURE?
MATT, IT DOESN'T CONCERN YOU.
NO, I WANNA KNOW.
SO IS SHE A MAN OR A WOMAN?
WHAT MATTERS IS HOW
SHE VIEWS HERSELF, MATT.
ARE YOU MAN ENOUGH TO MAKE UP
YOUR OWN MIND ABOUT WHAT PLEASES YOU?
BUY ME A DRINK?
WHOA. YOU GOT A GODDAMN DICK.
WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL
ME YOU WERE PRE-OP?
YOU SHOULD'VE TOLD ME!
IF I WANNA PLAY WITH
SOMEONE'S COCK,
I GOT MY OWN, YOU GODDAMN FREAK.
I'M NOT GAY, IF THAT'S
WHAT YOU'RE THINKING, DAD.
YOU ARE ALMOST UNRECOGNIZABLE.
HOLY SHIT.
COME ON, GET HIM!
CAPTIONING MADE
POSSIBLE BY WARNER BROS.
HE'S GONNA BE ALL RIGHT, JULIA.
IT'S A SIMPLE RESET WITH
A COUPLE OF STITCHES.
IN 6 WEEKS, HE'LL LOOK LIKE NEW.
I'M NOT WORRIED ABOUT WHAT
HE'S GONNA LOOK LIKE, SEAN.
I'M WORRIED ABOUT
WHAT'S GOING ON INSIDE HIM
THAT'S MAKING HIM LIE TO
US ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED.
HE'S BEEN COMPLETELY
SHUT OFF FROM US
SINCE YOU TOLD HIM ABOUT AVA.
REALLY? I THOUGHT
HIS ERRATIC BEHAVIOR
BEGAN AFTER YOU DECIDED TO
SERVE ME WITH DIVORCE PAPERS.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU TWO?
MATT'S BLEEDING, AND
YOU'RE SO SELF-INVOLVED
YOU'RE FIGHTING OVER WHO
GAVE HIM THE STRAIGHT RAZOR.
CHRISTIAN, THIS REALLY
ISN'T ANY OF YOUR BUSINESS.
YOUR NEGLECT OF MY
SON IS MY BUSINESS.
LOOK, I AGREED TO TAKE
A BACK SEAT TO YOU TWO
BECAUSE I THOUGHT IT WAS
BETTER TO MAINTAIN CONSISTENCY.
OBVIOUSLY, I WAS WRONG.
AS SOON AS WE'RE DONE
RESETTING HIS FACE,
I'M ENLISTING SOME
PROFESSIONAL HELP
SO WE CAN MAKE HIM TALK
ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED.
WITH ALL DUE RESPECT, CHRISTIAN,
YOU KNOW MORE ABOUT THE
DIFFERENT CLASSES OF TEQUILA
THAN YOU KNOW ABOUT PARENTING.
I KNOW ENOUGH TO
KNOW THAT THE POUND
WOULDN'T GIVE EITHER
OF YOU A 10-YEAR-OLD MUTT
COVERED IN ITS
OWN SHIT RIGHT NOW.
WHAT'S HE DOING HERE?
ASSISTING.
ASSISTING WHO?
ASSISTING ME.
THIS KIND OF CRANIAL-FACIAL WORK
IS QUENTIN'S SPECIALTY.
NOT LETTING HIM OPERATE ON MATT
WOULD BE... NEGLECTFUL.
CAN'T YOU ALL DO IT?
NO, MATT. IT'S A 2-MAN JOB,
AND YOUR FATHER KNEW THAT.
THAT'S ALL RIGHT. UH,
WELL, I'M THE SHORT-TIMER.
CHRISTIAN CAN ASSIST.
WELL, WAIT.
ARE YOU THE GUY THAT
FIXED MY DAD'S FACE?
YES.
IT'S OK, MATT.
YOU'RE GONNA DO GREAT.
MATT, COUNT BACK
FROM 10 FOR ME, OK?
- Matt, muffled: 10...
- 9... 8...
11 BLADE...
OSTEOTOME...
MALLET.
♪ AHHH ♪
♪ MAKE ME BEAUTIFUL ♪
♪ MAKE ME... ♪
♪ THE PERFECT SOUL ♪
♪ A PERFECT MIND ♪
♪ A PERFECT FACE ♪
♪ A PERFECT... ♪
♪ LIFE ♪
HOW LONG IS THIS
GONNA TAKE, MR. MILLER?
I'VE GOT A MEETING
IN 45 MINUTES.
OH, LIKE 10 MINUTES, TOPS.
LOOK, I REALLY APPRECIATE
YOU COMING ON
SHORT NOTICE, DR. TROY.
THE ADMINISTRATION'S PRETTY DOWN
ON THE GREEK SYSTEM RIGHT NOW.
WE'D PROBABLY BE
EXPELLED FOR THIS.
HOW'D YOU GET MY NUMBER?
YOU DID MY MOM. HER NECK-LIFT.
YOU DID A GREAT JOB, MAN.
SHE GOT REMARRIED,
LIKE, 4 MONTHS LATER.
CONGRATULATIONS.
PLUS, YOU'RE KIND OF A
LEGEND AROUND HERE.
LEGEND? WERE YOU A
BROTHER AT THIS FRAT?
CHAPTER PRESIDENT, CLASS OF '86.
AND GUYS ARE STILL
TALKING ABOUT HIM.
HE TURNED THIS FRATERNITY
FROM A SAUSAGE FEST
INTO A PUSSY PALACE
ALL BY HIMSELF,
AND THAT'S WHY WE
THOUGHT YOU'D BE COOL.
NOW, WE CAN PAY YOU EVERYTHING
IN OUR RITES OF
SPRING PARTY FUND,
WHICH IS, LIKE, 7 GRAND, BUT
YOU HAVE TO KEEP THIS A SECRET.
KEEP WHAT A SECRET?
WE TRIED WATERING THEM
DOWN AND PULLING THEM APART...
BUT THIS STUFF IS
LIKE CEMENT, MAN.
CYANOACRYLATE. THIS IS
INDUSTRIAL-STRENGTH ADHESIVE.
YEAH. WE TRIED CALLING THE 800
NUMBER ON THE BACK OF THE BOTTLE.
THEY SAID ONCE IT DRIES,
ALL YOU CAN USE TO UNSTICK IT
IS A CHISEL OR A
SCRAPER OR SANDPAPER.
WE SHOULD HAVE ENOUGH LIDOCAINE
BETWEEN THE 2 OF
US FOR A QUICKIE.
YOU WANNA OPERATE IN HERE?
IF WE DON'T SEPARATE THEM HERE,
WE CAN'T TRANSPORT THEM.
THEY'RE 18. WE NEED THEM
TO SIGN THIS CONSENT FORM
TO RELEASE US
FROM ANY LIABILITY.
YOU CARRY AROUND YOUR
OWN RELEASE OF LIABILITY FORMS.
PHYSICIANS GET SUED FOR DOING THE
HEIMLICH MANEUVER AT A RESTAURANT.
YOU NEED TO BE PREPARED.
WELL, INFECTION
SHOULDN'T BE A PROBLEM
IF WE CAN RUSH THEM TO THE E.R.
WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO DO
SOME GRAFTING IN THE OFFICE,
BUT IT CAN WAIT A DAY.
LIDOCAINE OR NOT, IT'S
GONNA HURT LIKE HELL.
HEY, WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
UH, D-DEREK JORDAN.
DEREK, I NEED YOU
TO SIGN THIS FORM
SO THAT DR. COSTA AND I CAN
PERFORM SURGERY ON THE 3 OF YOU.
WE'RE GONNA GIVE YOU
A LOCAL ANESTHETIC,
BUT, UH, THERE'S STILL
GONNA BE SOME PAIN.
NOW, YOU NEED TO STAY COOL
WHILE WE'RE CUTTING, UNDERSTAND?
GOT IT.
THANK YOU, DEREK.
MM-HMM.
AND, YOU, SIR?
SCREW THIS. I WANNA
GO TO THE HOSPITAL.
MY DAD'S A DOCTOR. I
WANNA TALK TO MY DAD.
YOUR DAD IS AN
ORTHODONTIST, DICKWEED!
YOU DON'T THINK DENTISTS HAVE TO
GO TO MEDICAL SCHOOL, ASSHOLE?!
JUST SIGN THE DAMN FORM, ALEX,
OR I SWEAR TO GOD, I
WILL SHIT YOUR FACE.
DUDE, I'M FREAKIN' OUT.
IF THEY DON'T CUT
ME OUT OF HERE SOON,
I'M GONNA LOSE IT
AND RIP MYSELF OFF.
FINE. GIVE ME THE GODDAMN FORM.
AND YOU?
EXCELLENT. YOU GUYS
MIGHT WANNA LEAVE.
IT'S GONNA GET, UH,
MESSY IN HERE. AHEM.
AT LEAST GIVE US SOME ROOM?
PLEASE?
THANK YOU.
CAN I ASK YOU A QUESTION?
MM-HMM.
WHY'D YOU ASK ME HERE
WITH YOU INSTEAD OF SEAN?
I WAS JUST THINKING THAT IF
WE'RE GONNA BE PARTNERS,
THEN WE NEEDED TO BE ACTIVE IN
DEVELOPING OUR PROFESSIONAL RELATIONSHIP.
BOTTOMS UP.
♪ YOU CAN SHAKE AN
APPLE OFF AN APPLE TREE ♪
♪ AND SHAKE-A-SHAKE A SUGAR ♪
♪ BUT YOU'LL NEVER
SHAKE ME, UH-HUH ♪
READY?
1... 2... 3...
♪ I'M GONNA STICK LIKE GLUE ♪
♪ STICK BECAUSE
I'M STUCK ON YOU ♪
SORRY. DID YOU READ THE FILE?
ENOUGH OF IT.
CAN YOU GET HIM TO TALK?
I THINK I CAN HANDLE
A TEENAGE BOY.
YOUR DAD IS AN
EXCELLENT SURGEON.
AS SOON AS THE
SWELLING GOES DOWN,
THE GIRLS WON'T NOTICE A THING.
WHO'S THIS?
THIS IS KIT McGRAW.
SHE'S A FRIEND OF MINE.
SHE'S ALSO A DETECTIVE
IN THE, UH, SEX CRIMES
UNIT AT MIAMI-DADE.
WELL, THIS WASN'T A SEX CRIME.
THIS WAS JUST A SIMPLE
SCHOOLYARD FIGHT.
I MEAN, WHY WOULD WE WASTE
MS. McGRAW'S TIME WITH IT?
BECAUSE NONE OF THE DOUGHNUT-DUNKERS
WHO HAVE INTERVIEWED HIM
HAVE EVEN COME CLOSE
TO FINDING OUT WHO DID THIS.
KIT IS THE BEST DETECTIVE
IN THE DEPARTMENT.
SHE'S HANDLING THE,
UM... THE CARVER CASE.
THIS IS STANDARD
STUFF FOR ME, MATT.
THE FILE IS PRETTY CLEAR,
BUT I'D LIKE TO GO
OVER YOUR STORY AGAIN.
THEY REALLY DID A NUMBER
ON YOU, DIDN'T THEY?
MATT SAID IT WAS JUST ONE GUY.
THE BRUISING ON HIS ARMS IS INDICATIVE
OF SOMEONE HOLDING HIM DOWN
WHILE AT LEAST ONE OTHER
PERSON WORKED OVER HIS FACE.
YOU SEEM LIKE A
PRETTY STRONG KID,
BUT NOT EVEN YOU COULD
FIGHT OFF 3 OR 4 GUYS,
RIGHT, MATT?
WELL... I MEAN, I GUESS IT
COULD'VE BEEN MORE THAN ONE GUY.
AFTER THE FIRST SUCKER PUNCH,
I DON'T REALLY REMEMBER
MUCH EXCEPT FOR THE FISTS.
IN YOUR STATEMENT, YOU
DESCRIBED THE GUY... GUYS...
AS LATIN WITH SOME GANG TATTOOS.
CAN YOU TELL ME WHAT THEIR
GIRLFRIENDS LOOKED LIKE?
HOW THE HELL WOULD I KNOW THAT?
THESE ARE FINGERNAIL MARKS.
WHEN MEN SCRATCH THEY
CAUSE SHALLOW, UNEVEN CUTS.
THESE RUN DEEP AND CONSISTENT.
SOMEONE WITH LONG
MANICURED FINGERNAILS DID THIS.
I WISH THEY'D SCRAPED
THESE FOR POLISH.
YEAH, WELL, WHATEVER. LIKE I
SAID, I DON'T REMEMBER ANYTHING.
UM, WHAT IS THIS, MOM?
I THINK THIS IS
ENOUGH, MS. McGRAW.
MATT SHOULD REST NOW.
THANKS, MATT. I'LL,
UH, AMEND THE REPORT
AND MAKE SURE THE
INVESTIGATING OFFICER SEES IT.
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT,
WAIT. THAT'S IT?
HE DOESN'T WANNA TALK.
THAT DIDN'T STOP YOU
FROM STRAPPING THE
ELECTRODES TO MY NUTS.
HE'S JUST A KID, CHRISTIAN.
I DIDN'T BRING YOU HERE TO
PLAY TETHERBALL WITH HIM, KIT.
YOU'RE TAKING THE LEASH OFF?
BECAUSE YOU MIGHT
NOT LIKE WHAT YOU HEAR.
HAVE YOU COMMITTED A CRIME IN THE
LAST FEW WEEKS, MATT? RAPE, ASSAULT?
SOMETHING TO PISS SOMEONE OFF
ENOUGH FOR THEM TO SEEK REVENGE?
WHAT? NO.
MATT WAS THE VICTIM HERE.
MATT IS LYING, MRS. McNAMARA.
PEOPLE WHO GET ASSAULTED FOR
NO REASON DON'T CONCEAL FACTS.
THEY DON'T FORGET HOW
MANY PEOPLE ATTACKED THEM
OR IF THEY WERE MEN OR WOMEN.
THAT'S WHAT GUILTY PEOPLE WHO
WERE JUMPED FOR A REASON DO.
ARE YOU SAYING HE DID
SOMETHING TO PRECIPITATE THIS?
WHOA. I GOT JUMPED.
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE
TAKING HER WORD OVER MINE.
THE POLICE REPORT SAYS
YOU WERE SOAKING WET
WHEN YOU WERE DISCOVERED, MATT.
THE LAB RESULTS ON YOUR CLOTHES
REVEALED THAT THE FLUID
COVERING YOUR BODY WAS URINE.
WE WEREN'T TOLD THAT.
DID YOU KNOW THAT, SEAN?
NO. THAT'S NOT IN THE FILE.
NOT YET, BUT YOU KNOW
HOW THAT WORKS, DOCTOR.
YOU NEED LAB RESULTS QUICKLY,
YOU JUST NEED TO
KNOW WHO TO CALL.
WHAT DID YOU DO TO HER, MATT?
DID YOU SCREW HER BEST FRIEND,
SLIP HER A ROOFIE, RAPE HER?
WHAT MADE HER SO MAD THAT SHE
AND A GROUP OF HER GIRLFRIENDS
FELT THE NEED TO MESS
UP YOUR PRETTY FACE
AND THEN PISS ALL OVER YOU?
YOU DON'T KNOW SHIT.
I KNOW THAT I'D LIE, TOO,
IF I HAD THE CRAP BEATEN OUT OF
ME BY A BUNCH OF CHEERLEADERS.
THEY WEREN'T
CHEERLEADERS! THEY WERE MEN!
THEY WERE MEN DRESSED AS WOMEN.
ONE OF THEM MADE A PASS AT
ME OUTSIDE OF A SHE-MALE BAR,
AND I BEAT THE LIVING
SHIT OUT OF HIM FOR IT.
I GUESS THIS WAS REVENGE.
WHAT WERE YOU DOING AT
A BAR FOR TRANSSEXUALS?
I WAS LOOKING FOR AVA.
MILITARY SCHOOL?
THE HUTTON ACADEMY IS
NOT A MILITARY SCHOOL,
IT'S A DISCIPLINARY INSTITUTION.
AND THE 2 PLUMS BETWEEN
MY LEGS ARE NOT BALLS,
THEY'RE TESTICLES.
I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT
YOU WANT THIS FOR HIM.
MATT NEEDS SOMETHING RADICAL,
SO UNLESS YOU HAVE
ANY BETTER SUGGESTIONS...
HE'S DEPRESSED
AND HIGHLY ANXIOUS.
I SAY WE START HIM OFF
ON A LOW DOSAGE OF LUVOX,
AND XANAX FOR PANIC ATTACKS.
YOU'RE NOT STARTING
HIM ON ANYTHING.
MATT'S NOT GONNA BE
ABLE TO FACE HIS ISSUES
IF HE'S IN A SEDATED HAZE.
THEY'RE NOT SEDATIVES, THEY
JUST HELP HIM RELAX ENOUGH
SO THAT HE CAN DEAL WITH
WHAT'S REALLY HURTING HIM.
I DON'T KNOW, CHRISTIAN.
YOU KNOW, MAYBE SEAN'S
RIGHT. MATT NEEDS STRUCTURE,
AND, YOU KNOW, MAYBE HUTTON WOULDN'T
BE THE WORST IDEA FOR A COUPLE OF MONTHS.
YOU PUT HIM IN A STRAIGHT
JACKET, AND I SWEAR TO GOD,
HE WILL GNAW HIS ARMS
OFF JUST TO GET OUT OF IT.
WAKE UP, CHRISTIAN.
OUR CODDLING AND
LAISSEZ-FAIRE ATTITUDES
LED TO HIM GETTING PISSED ON
BY A BUNCH OF TRANSSEXUALS.
KIDS WHOSE PARENTS
ARE ON TOP OF THEM
DON'T BEAT DOWN
STRANGERS OUTSIDE OF BARS.
I WON'T LET YOU DO THIS.
IT'S 2 TO ONE. YOU
DON'T HAVE A CHOICE.
YOU ALL RIGHT?
USED TO DO THIS WHEN HE
WAS A KID, WATCH HIM SLEEP.
WELL, HE'S GOING TO BE FINE.
YOUNG SKIN, VERY ELASTIC.
I'M NOT WORRIED ABOUT
THE OUTSIDE SCARS.
THOSE I KNOW I CAN FIX.
IS EVERY ONE OF YOUR
SCREW-UPS YOUR FATHER'S FAULT?
NO.
THEN YOU NEED TO STOP
KILLING YOURSELF ABOUT THIS.
SHIT HAPPENS.
PEOPLE MAKE MISTAKES.
YOU JUST NEED TO BLOW OFF SOME
STEAM, AND GET SOME PERSPECTIVE.
TAKE YOUR HEAD OUT OF THAT VISE.
IF YOU NEED
ANYTHING, GIVE A CALL.
HEY.
YEAH?
YOU WANNA GO GRAB
SOME STONE-CRABS?
I'D LOVE TO, BUT I HAVE PLANS.
I THINK CHRISTIAN'S
STILL HERE, THOUGH.
IF I CAN'T OFFER HIM NAKED
VICTORIA SECRET MODELS
AND A CASE OF CRISTAL,
I'M PERSONA-NON-GRATA
ON A FRIDAY NIGHT.
DO YOU WANNA COME OUT WITH ME?
IS THIS YOUR USUAL PARTY SCENE?
NO. NO, EVEN I TEND
TO SKEW A LITTLE OLDER.
CHRISTIAN AND I WERE DOING
SOME WORK OVER HERE YESTERDAY.
THE INVITE WAS A THANK YOU.
YOU AND CHRISTIAN?
HE DIDN'T TELL ME ABOUT IT.
WELL, IT'S NO BIG DEAL.
IT WAS A COLLEGE
PRANK GONE AWRY.
WE DON'T BELONG HERE,
THESE ARE JUST KIDS.
SEAN, THESE ARE
FOUNTAINS OF YOUTH.
WE WORK ALL DAY ON
FLABBY, MIDDLE-AGED FLESH,
BOOB JOBS, TUMMY-TUCKS, LIPO...
ALL WE DO IS TRY TO MAKE
40-YEAR-OLDS LOOK LIKE THESE GIRLS.
YOU CONSIDER THIS RESEARCH.
HEY, YOU'RE NOT A NERDY
PRE-MED ANYMORE, SEAN.
YOU ARE A HOT-SHIT
PLASTIC SURGEON
IN REASONABLY EXPENSIVE SHOES.
THESE GIRLS ARE GONNA
BE CLAWING FOR YOU.
DOC, YOU MADE IT! HEY.
HEY! IS DOCTOR TROY WITH YA?
NO, HE SENDS HIS REGRETS,
AND HIS PARTNER
DR. SEAN McNAMARA.
RIGHT ON! HEY, MAN.
HEY. WHAT ARE THE BRACELETS FOR?
OH, IT'S A BRACELET PARTY.
THEY'RE COLOR CODED.
SEE, EVERY GIRL WEARS WHICH EVER
COLOR THEY'RE LOOKING FOR TONIGHT.
LIKE, BLUE MEANS THEY LIKE HEAD,
DOUBLE BLUE MEANS THEY LIKE 69,
PINK MEANS THEY'RE
INTO GIRLS, TOO.
SORTA JUST STREAMLINES
THE WHOLE PROCESS.
IS THERE A BRACELET FOR GIRLS
WHO LIKES GUYS TWICE THEIR AGE?
GREEN. MEANS THEY LIKE MONEY.
COME ON.
HOW'S MATT, CHRISTIAN?
HE'S RECOVERING FASTER
FROM THE FIRST BEAT DOWN HE GOT
THAN THE ONE HE GOT
FROM HERR McGRAW.
DON'T LET THIS SLIDE, CHRISTIAN.
THAT KID HAS SOME
DEEP-SEATED PROBLEMS.
I THINK I'LL SKIP THE
PARENTING ADVICE
FROM THE GIRL WHO LIKES TO
SPANK ME WHILE I CALL HER "DADDY."
EVERY GAY BASHER
I'VE EVER BUSTED
WAS EXPRESSING SOMETHING THEY
COULDN'T SAFELY EXPRESS SEXUALLY.
ARE YOU SUGGESTING
THAT MATT IS GAY?
I'M JUST SUGGESTING THAT
HE SHOULD TALK TO SOMEBODY.
3 TICKETS TO THE
VIN DIESEL MOVIE.
I THOUGHT WE WERE
SEEING JUDE LAW.
I AM NOT SITTING THROUGH
3 HOURS OF JUDE LAW.
DOESN'T HE GET CASTRATED
AT THE END OF THIS ONE?
YOU ALWAYS GET TO
CHOOSE THE MOVIE.
WE HAVEN'T SEEN A
MOVIE I LIKE IN 2 YEARS.
WELL, I'M SORRY
IF THE MOVIES I LIKE
AREN'T THE CINEMATIC
MASTERPIECES
YOU DIRECT, KIMBER.
THOSE MASTERPIECES GROSSED
MORE IN THE FIRST MONTH DVD SALES
THEN YOU MADE
LAST YEAR, ASSHOLE.
THIS IS YOUR FAULT.
YOU'RE CONSTANTLY
WHISPERING IN HER EAR,
TRYING TO BOX ME OUT.
YOU'VE BEEN TREATING
KIMBER LIKE SHIT FOR YEARS.
YOU SHOULD BE THANKING ME
FOR HELPING YOUR
RELATIONSHIP GROW
BY MAKING SURE SHE
STANDS UP FOR HERSELF.
KIMBER AND I
UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER.
WE'VE GOT A SHORTHAND.
YEAH, AND YOU'VE BEEN
USING IT TO SLAP HER IN THE ASS.
KIMBER'S NOT SOME
BIMBO MODEL ANYMORE.
SHE DOESN'T NEED YOU. YOU
WANNA KEEP HER AROUND,
I RECOMMEND THAT YOU
CHOOSE YOUR MOVES,
AND YOUR MOVIES, MORE CAREFULLY.
CHEER UP.
IF YOU'RE GOOD, I'LL GIVE YOU
A HANDJOB IN AN HOUR OR 2.
2 FOR THE ONE WHERE THE
GUY GETS HIS BALLS CUT OFF.
JERK EACH OTHER OFF.
♪ YOUR POTION'S ADDICTIVE ♪
♪ MY MOTION IS LIQUID ♪
♪ YOUR POTION'S ADDICTIVE ♪
♪ MY MOTION IS LIQUID ♪
♪ OH, WILL YOU
PLEASE BELIEVE ME ♪
♪ MY POTION'S ADDICTIVE... ♪
HI.
HI.
I'M AMBER.
SEAN. MY TIE.
WHAT DO THE BRAIDED ONES MEAN?
THAT MEANS FOR THE RIGHT GUY,
I'D DO ANYTHING.
THANK YOU.
CHEERS.
I'M HAPPY TO GIVE YOU A
CURSORY EXAMINATION, AMBER,
BUT I CAN TELL YOU
BEFORE I EVEN LOOK
YOU DO NOT NEED LIPOSUCTION.
WAIT.
WAIT. NOW, COME ON.
I'M OLD ENOUGH
TO BE YOUR FATHER.
AGE IS JUST A STATE OF MIND.
MY MEDIEVAL LIT
PROFESSOR TAUGHT ME THAT.
I SLEPT WITH HIM, TOO.
DO ALL SURGEONS HAVE
SUCH GREAT HANDS?
DO ALL ANTHROPOLOGY MAJORS
HAVE SUCH GREAT BREASTS?
YOU ARE CUTE.
HI.
DO YOU GUYS MIND
IF WE USE THE BED?
OH, NO PROBLEM.
UM, I'M SORRY. I'VE GOT TO GO.
SORRY.
LOOKING FOR SOMEONE?
HOW DOES IT FEEL?
IT THROBS A LITTLE.
THIS'LL HELP.
ARE YOU PISSED AT ME FOR
WANTING THAT OTHER GUY
TO DO MY SURGERY?
BIOLOGY ASIDE,
MATTIE, WE'RE FRIENDS.
TAKES A LOT MORE THAN
THAT TO PISS OFF A FRIEND.
WHAT ABOUT MOM AND DAD?
THEY'RE NOT QUITE SO
HIGH ON YOU RIGHT NOW.
THEY WANNA SEND YOU
TO HUTTON ACADEMY
FOR THE REST OF THE SEMESTER.
THAT PLACE IS A
PRISON CAMP, MAN.
THEY CAN'T DO THAT.
TECHNICALLY, THEY CAN,
BUT WE'RE NOT GONNA LET 'EM.
TO MAKE THE SITUATION RIGHT,
YOU AND I HAVE
TO WORK AS A TEAM.
THIS IS AN ANTIDEPRESSANT.
TAKE ONE TABLET EVERY MORNING.
THIS IS FOR ANXIETY ATTACKS.
TAKE ONE TABLET EVERY TIME
YOU FEEL LIKE YOU'RE LOSING IT.
BUT NO BOOZE WITH THESE? HMM?
OK.
NOT SO FAST.
WE'RE TEAMMATES, RIGHT?
YEAH.
I WANNA KNOW THE
TRUTH ABOUT YOU AND AVA.
WERE YOU COMPLETELY FOOLED
OR WAS THERE SOMETHING ABOUT
HER BEING A MAN THAT WORKED FOR YOU?
WHY DOES EVERYONE
SUDDENLY THINK I'M GAY?
BECAUSE YOU AND I
BOTH KNOW YOU DIDN'T GO
TO THAT TRANNY BAR BELIEVING
YOU'D ACTUALLY FIND HER.
LOOK, IT'S TOTALLY
COOL WITH ME IF YOU ARE.
LOOK, I LIKE GIRLS, OK?
I LIKED AVA BECAUSE I
THOUGHT SHE WAS ONE.
I GUESS SOMEONE WITH YOUR LIMITED
EXPERIENCE COULD BE FOOLED BY HER.
IT WAS ONLY THROUGH MY
EXTENSIVE VAGINAL EXPERTISE
THAT I REALIZED I WAS
INSIDE SOMETHING ARTIFICIAL.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN INSIDE?
DID YOU SLEEP WITH HER?
JUST ONCE.
HOW ELSE DO YOU THINK WE
REALIZED SHE WAS A POST-OP?
YOU CALL YOURSELF A FRIEND?!
HEY! FRIENDS DON'T SLEEP
WITH EACH OTHER'S GIRLFRIENDS!
OH, WAIT. BUT I GUESS YOU HAVE A
HABIT OF DOING THAT, DON'T YOU?
I WAS TRYING TO SAVE YOU
FROM HER, YOU LITTLE SHIT.
I THOUGHT THAT IF
SHE HAD SEX WITH ME,
YOU WOULD SEE HER FOR THE
MANIPULATIVE SLUT THAT SHE IS.
OH? AND HOW DID YOU THINK I WAS
GONNA FEEL ABOUT YOU AFTERWARDS?
I DIDN'T CARE!
I'D RATHER YOU HATE ME THAN
SEE YOU DESTROY YOURSELF.
LET HER GO.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
OH, I'M SORRY. I
WAS JUST PICKING UP
A COUPLE OF THINGS
TO BRING TO MATT,
YOU KNOW, MAKE HIM
FEEL MORE AT HOME.
I GUESS I'VE BEEN LINGERING.
I KNOW THE FEELING.
I ACTUALLY FELL ASLEEP
IN HERE LAST NIGHT.
WHAT HAPPENED TO US, SEAN?
YOU KNOW, I LOOK AT HIS BED,
AND I REMEMBER THE 3
OF US SPENDING ALL DAY
IN THAT DAMN FURNITURE
SHOWROOM HAGGLING OVER $200,
REMEMBER, WITH THE SALESMAN
WEARING THE BAD TOUPEE.
OH, GOD.
THOSE PARENTS WOULD HAVE
NEVER LET THIS ALL HAPPEN.
THEY WERE NAIVE, BUT...
THEY LOVED EACH OTHER.
THERE'S STILL LOVE, JULIE.
IT'S JUST...
IT'S JUST BURIED
UNDER ALL THIS... SHIT.
LOOK WHAT I FOUND AT THE
BOTTOM OF THE DESK DRAWER.
"HAPPY ANNIVERSARY TO DR. AND
MRS. PERFECT, LOVE MATT... YOUR SON."
HA! THAT'S GREAT.
WHEN IS THIS FROM?
FOURTH GRADE.
I SHOULDN'T HAVE
BLAMED YOU FOR ALL THIS.
JUST TELL ME EVERYTHING'S
GONNA BE ALL RIGHT.
EVERYTHING IS
GONNA BE ALL RIGHT.
VERY NICE.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
I THOUGHT I'D CHECK MYSELF OUT.
I DON'T CARE HOW EXPENSIVE THE
SHEETS ARE IN THAT RECOVERY SPA,
IT STILL SMELLS LIKE
A DAMN HOSPITAL.
THAT'S BECAUSE IT
IS A HOSPITAL, MATT,
FOR PATIENTS THAT NEED
AROUND-THE-CLOCK MONITORING.
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE ON
IV FLUIDS FOR 2 MORE DAYS.
I CAN SEE WHY YOU'D
WANT ME THERE.
WHAT'S THE MATTER, YOUR OWN
BED HAVE TOO MANY BAD MEMORIES?
THIS ISN'T WHAT IT
LOOKS LIKE, MATT.
HEY, IT'S COOL. IF YOU GUYS
WANNA GIVE IT ANOTHER GO...
NO, WE'RE NOT
GIVING IT ANOTHER GO.
IT WAS A ONE-TIME THING.
I'M GONNA GO PUT CLEAN
SHEETS ON MY BED...
AND TAKE A NAP.
XANAX?!
WHO PRESCRIBED THESE FOR YOU?
MY DAD.
SEE, THAT'S THE ADVANTAGE
OF HAVING 3 PARENTS.
YOU CAN ALWAYS BE SURE THAT
ONE'S GONNA GIVE YOU WHAT YOU NEED.
HEY... HEY! DON'T PUT
YOUR HANDS ON ME!
THESE DRUGS ARE ONLY GONNA
STOP YOUR PAIN TEMPORARILY.
THEY'RE NOT GONNA HELP YOU
DEAL WITH YOUR REAL PROBLEMS.
YOU MIGHT THINK YOU
OUTRANK EVERYONE,
BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU HAVE
ANY IDEA WHAT I NEED RIGHT NOW.
THEN TELL US, MATT.
WE'RE YOUR PARENTS.
WE'RE NOT THE ENEMY.
YES, TELL ME. DO YOU NEED
ME TO HUG YOU? HIT YOU?
WHATEVER IT TAKES TO
GET YOU BACK, I'LL DO IT.
THEN GIVE ME MY PILLS
AND LEAVE ME ALONE.
I CAN'T DO THAT.
YOU'RE IN NO CONDITION
TO BE SELF-MEDICATING.
DON'T ASK ME WHAT I
NEED IF YOU'RE NOT WILLING
TO GIVE IT TO ME, ALL RIGHT?
GOT IT.
♪ STUCK ON YOU ♪
♪ GOT THIS FEELING DOWN DEEP IN
MY SOUL THAT I JUST CAN'T LOSE ♪
♪ GUESS I'M ON MY WAY ♪
♪ NEEDED A FRIEND ♪
♪ AND THE WAY I FEEL NOW I GUESS
I'LL BE WITH YOU TILL THE END ♪
♪ GUESS I'M ON MY WAY ♪
♪ MIGHTY GLAD YOU STAYED ♪
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU TOOK THOSE
FRAT BOYS UP ON THEIR OFFER.
ROCKIN' THE CRADLE OF LOVE, HUH?
YEAH. IT WAS ALMOST TOO EASY.
WE WERE LIKE THESE
2 VULVA MAGNETS.
WE?
YEAH. SEAN CAME WITH ME.
SEAN? I... CAN'T SEE SEAN
ENJOYING SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
WELL, TELL THAT TO THE CO-ED
WHO HAD HER HEAD IN HIS LAP.
♪ I'M LEAVING ON THAT
MIDNIGHT TRAIN TO BOULDER ♪
I WISH I HAD THE ENERGY FOR
A LITTLE VAGINA U, BUT, UH...
I GOT MY HANDS FULL AT HOME.
OH? GIRLFRIEND?
MY GIRLFRIEND I CAN HANDLE.
IT'S MY GIRLFRIEND'S
GIRLFRIEND THAT'S WIPING ME OUT.
YOU ARE MY IDOL.
HOW DO YOU GET UP FOR WORK?
THE SEX ISN'T THE TIRING PART.
IT'S THE CONSTANT
JOCKEYING FOR POSITION.
I FIND MYSELF FIGHTING NONSTOP
TO KEEP MY STATUS
AS COCK OF THE WALK.
OHH. SOUNDS LIKE QUITE A BURDEN.
HEY, ANYTIME I
CAN HELP YOU OUT...
HOW ABOUT TONIGHT?
I'M SERIOUS. I...
I NEED A BREAK.
COME TAKE KIT OFF MY
HANDS FOR THE NIGHT, HMM?
COLLEGE BJ's ARE NICE, Q,
BUT, UH, AIM A LITTLE HIGHER.
CHRISTIAN, ARE YOU SURE THERE'S
NOT GONNA BE ANY JEALOUSY?
I'D HATE TO HAVE THINGS
BE AWKWARD AROUND HERE.
HARDLY.
I'D CONSIDER IT A...
PERSONAL FAVOR.
SO, CHRISTIAN TELLS ME
THAT YOU'RE WORKING
THE CARVER CASE.
ANY LEADS?
SOME.
YOU'VE GOT TO STALK
HIS KIND OF PREDATOR.
IT TAKES TIME. MY LAST
CASE TOOK 2 YEARS.
SOME PSYCHO NEAR STEPNEY GREEN
WHO GOT OFF ON
ATTACKING COUPLES.
HE'D TIE THE MAN UP AND THEN MAKE
HIM WATCH AS HE RAPED THE GIRL.
WELL, THERE'S A
FETISH FOR EVERYONE,
ISN'T THERE?
I'M SORRY, KIMBER, UH...
THIS IS VERY EMBARRASSING.
I'M COMPLETELY STAR-STRUCK.
I... I'VE SEEN ALL YOUR MOVIES.
HOW SWEET.
I HAVE A NEW SERIES COMING UP.
IT'S CALLED TWO GIRLS,
A GUY, AND A CUM FACE.
IT'S LOOSELY BASED ON
OUR PERSONAL EXPERIENCES.
WE'LL BE SURE TO
SEND YOU THE DVDs.
PORN'S FOR FAT KIDS.
WHY NOT OFFER
HIM THE REAL THING?
I... I WOULDN'T WANT TO IMPOSE.
CHRISTIAN WON'T MIND A
FRIEND LENDING A HAND.
NOT AT ALL. QUENTIN, IF
THAT'S WHAT KIT WANTS,
SHE'S ALL YOURS.
IF YOU LIKE HER MOVIES,
WAIT 'TIL YOU HAVE HER
WHEN SHE'S NOT ACTING.
SHE TASTES LIKE
HOME MAPLE SYRUP.
KIMBER ISN'T A CONDIMENT
FROM IHOP, SWEETHEART.
SHE'S NOT TO BE PASSED
AROUND THE TABLE.
IT'S NOT YOUR PLACE TO INVITE
HIM INTO OUR ARRANGEMENT, KIT.
YOU'RE RIGHT, CHRISTIAN.
WE NEED A MAJORITY.
WOULD YOU LIKE US TO MAKE
LOVE TO QUENTIN TONIGHT, BABY?
SURE. WHY NOT?
THEN IT'S DECIDED.
UNLESS YOU'RE
UNCOMFORTABLE, CHRISTIAN.
OR INTIMIDATED.
BABY, DON'T WORRY. IF
HE'S TAKING CARE OF HER,
THEN I CAN HAVE YOU
ALL TO MYSELF AGAIN.
TO, UM, EVEN NUMBERS.
CHEERS.
HELLO?
IS MATT THERE?
NO, WHAT'S WRONG?
WHAT'S WRONG IS THAT
OUR SON HAS POLISHED OFF
OUR ENTIRE LIQUOR CABINET.
HOW DO YOU KNOW IT WAS HIM?
RIGHT, JULIA, I
SHOULDN'T ASSUME.
MAYBE THE BOOZE ELVES HAD A
BIG BLOWOUT WHILE I WAS AT WORK!
OH, JESUS, HE KNOWS HE'S
NOT SUPPOSED TO BE DRINKING.
IF MATT SHOWS UP THERE,
TELL HIM I EXPECT HIM
AND YOU AND CHRISTIAN
OVER HERE TOMORROW
NIGHT TO SETTLE THIS.
♪ HEY, HOW YOU
DOIN', LIL' MAMA? ♪
♪ LET ME WHISPER IN YOUR EAR ♪
♪ TELL YOU SOMETHIN' THAT
YOU MIGHT LIKE TO HEAR ♪
♪ YOU GOT A SEXY... BODY
AND YOUR... LOOK SOFT ♪
♪ MIND IF I TOUCH IT
AND SEE IF IT'S SOFT? ♪
♪ NAW, I'M JUST PLAYIN'
LET'S JUST SAY I CAN ♪
♪ AND I'M KNOWN TO
BE A REAL NASTY MAN ♪
♪ AND THEY SAY A CLOSED
MOUTH DON'T GET FED ♪
♪ SO I DON'T MIND
ASKING FOR... ♪
♪ YOU HEARD WHAT I SAID ♪
♪ HAVE YO' LEGS
OPEN ALL IN THE BUTT ♪
♪ DO IT SLAPPIN'... 'CAUSE
THE SEX GETS ROUGH ♪
♪ SWITCH THE POSITIONS AND
READY TO GET DOWN TO BUSINESS ♪
♪ SO YOU CAN SEE WHAT
YOU'VE BEEN MISSIN' ♪
♪ YOU MIGHT HAVE HAD SOME BUT
YOU NEVER HAD NONE LIKE THIS ♪
♪ JUST WAIT TILL YOU SEE MY... ♪
♪ OOOH ♪
♪ WAIT TILL YOU SEE MY... ♪
♪ OH ♪
♪ WAIT TILL YOU SEE MY... ♪
♪ OH ♪
♪ WAIT TILL YOU SEE MY... ♪
♪ OH ♪
♪ WAIT TILL YOU SEE MY... ♪
♪ OH ♪
♪ WAIT TILL YOU SEE MY... ♪
♪ OH ♪
♪ WAIT TILL YOU SEE MY... ♪
♪ AHHH ♪
♪ WAIT TILL YOU SEE MY... ♪
♪ OH ♪
WHAT'S WRONG?
TELL ME THAT WAS
AN ACCIDENT, QUENTIN.
RELAX, CHRISTIAN. WE'RE
ALL JUST HAVING A GOOD TIME.
NO, I NEED TO HEAR HIM SAY IT.
I NEED TO HEAR HIM SAY THAT
HE DID NOT MEAN TO GRAB MY ASS.
I THINK I SHOULD GO.
WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL
ME THAT YOU WERE BI?
YOU DIDN'T TELL ME THE SPECIFICS
OF YOUR SEX LIFE
UNTIL THIS AFTERNOON.
FRANKLY, I ASSUMED
YOU WERE, TOO.
WELL, I'M NOT.
WELL, THIS IS MY FAULT.
I BROKE RULE NUMBER ONE.
NEVER CUM WHERE YOU EAT.
THANK YOU FOR A LOVELY EVENING.
YOU'RE BOTH INCREDIBLE.
WELL DONE, CHRISTIAN.
GET OUT OF MY BED. EXCUSE ME?
I'M TIRED OF ALL
THIS 3-WAY BULLSHIT.
I WANT MY GIRLFRIEND
BACK. SHE'S MINE.
KIMBER ISN'T A
POSSESSION, CHRISTIAN.
SHE DOESN'T BELONG TO YOU.
YES, I DO.
YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL,
AND YOU'RE REALLY AMAZING, KIT,
BUT I AGREED TO LET YOU JOIN US
BECAUSE I THOUGHT IT WOULD HELP
MAKE CHRISTIAN FEEL BETTER.
NOW HE DOES. I LIKE
YOU, BUT I LOVE HIM.
I HAD HIGHER EXPECTATIONS OF
YOU, CHRISTIAN, BUT THE TRUTH IS,
YOU'RE NOTHING MORE THAN
A DOMESTICATED HOUSE CAT
WITH AN EXPENSIVE HAIRCUT
AND NO SENSE OF ADVENTURE.
DOMESTICATED OR NOT,
THERE'S NO PUSSY FOR YOU HERE.
GO FIND ONE SOMEPLACE ELSE.
YOU'LL NEVER FEEL TRULY
SAFE WITH HIM, KIMBER.
MATT WILL BE AT
MY HOUSE AT 7:00.
I'LL GET TAKEOUT.
DON'T ORDER FOR
ME. I WON'T BE THERE.
THIS IS IMPORTANT, CHRISTIAN.
WHICH IS WHY HE NEEDS
HIS PARENTS THERE.
HIS REAL PARENTS.
WHAT HAPPENED TO
MR. HANDS-ON DAD?
THREES DON'T WORK.
SOME OLD CUSTOMS ARE STILL
AROUND FOR GOOD REASON.
ONE WIFE, ONE
HUSBAND, 2 PARENTS.
IT WOULD HELP US
TO HAVE YOU THERE.
HE RESPECTS YOUR OPINION
MORE THAN ANY OF OURS RIGHT NOW.
I'VE GOT AN 8:30
LIFT WITH QUENTIN.
MAKE SURE YOU DON'T
DROP THE SCALPEL.
OUR NEW PARTNER...
PLAYS FOR BOTH TEAMS.
YOU'RE JOKING. MM-HMM.
HOW DO YOU KNOW?
HE MADE A PASS AT ME LAST NIGHT.
YOU SURE IT WAS A PASS?
COULD YOU HAVE
MISCONSTRUED SOMETHING?
I'VE NEVER HAD A BUDDY TRY
TO SNAKE HIS PINKIE UP MY ASS
JUST FOR SHITS AND GIGGLES.
I KNEW THERE WAS SOMETHING WEIRD
ABOUT THE WAY HE WAS
LOOKING AT ME AT THAT PARTY.
MAKES SENSE. I THINK HE'S
GOT A LITTLE MAN-CRUSH ON YOU.
ON ME?! YOU'RE THE
ONE HE TRIED TO SCREW.
SOMEBODY TELL A GOOD JOKE?
NO, JUST SOMETHING I SAW
IN THE PAPER THIS MORNING.
OH. IT MUST HAVE BEEN
A PRETTY FUNNY ARTICLE.
YEAH.
YEAH.
UH, HEY...
DID EITHER OF YOU READ
THE ARTICLE LAST WEEK
ABOUT THE OHIO STATE
SUPREME COURT RULING
THAT UPHELD A $6 MILLION
AWARD TO A BISEXUAL WOMAN
WHO ACCUSED THE LAW OFFICES
WHERE SHE WAS CLERKING
OF TURNING HER SEXUAL PRACTICES
INTO WATER COOLER GOSSIP?
IT WAS A LANDMARK CASE.
$6 MILLION. THAT SETS A
MOTHERLODE OF A PRECEDENT, EH?
BASICALLY SHUT THE FIRM DOWN.
SEE YOU IN SURGERY.
OH, GOD.
MATT, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
YOU WERE SUPPOSED
TO BE HERE 2 HOURS AGO.
OH, I MUST HAVE
LOST TRACK OF TIME.
MATTIE, THIS IS SERIOUS.
OH, I'M SURE IT IS, MAN,
BUT, UH, MY FACE IS KILLING ME,
SO MAYBE WE CAN GET TOGETHER
AT THE DYSFUNCTIONAL
FAMILY CHRISTMAS PARTY, HUH?
THAT'S ENOUGH, MATT.
YOU BEEN DRINKING AGAIN?
YEAH, JUST A COUPLE OF BEERS.
WHO ARE YOU?
I DON'T EVEN RECOGNIZE
YOU ANYMORE.
THAT'S FUNNY BECAUSE YOU
ALL LOOK SO FAMILIAR TO ME.
EVERYTHING OUT OF YOUR MOUTH
IS SOME KIND OF SNIDE,
SMARTASS COMMENT.
WHAT'S HAPPENED TO YOU?
WELL, UH... LET'S SEE.
IN THE PAST COUPLE OF MONTHS,
I FOUND OUT THAT MY DAD'S
BEST FRIEND IS MY REAL DAD,
MY OLD DAD BEAT THE
CRAP OUT OF MY MOM
WHO THREW HER OUT OF THE HOUSE,
MY PARENTS RUINED
MY RELATIONSHIP
WITH THE ONLY
WOMAN I'VE EVER LOVED
AND THEN LET IT SLIP THAT
NOT ONLY WAS SHE A MAN,
THAT ONE OF THEM SLEPT WITH HER.
IS THAT ENOUGH?
OR SHOULD I GO ON?
WE UNDERSTAND, MATT, AND THAT'S
WHY WE'VE CALLED THIS MEETING
TO TALK THROUGH YOUR FEELINGS
ABOUT EVERYTHING
THAT'S HAPPENED.
WE KNOW WE SCREWED THE POOCH.
THIS IS OUR CHANCE
TO MAKE IT RIGHT.
TO BE A FAMILY AGAIN.
YOU WANT A FAMILY?
YOU FIND SOMEONE SICK
ENOUGH TO WANT ONE WITH YOU.
LISTEN, YOU THINK YOU'RE A MAN?
YOU WANT TO HEAR IT LIKE A MAN?
YOUR MOTHER AND I
SACRIFICED EVERYTHING FOR YOU.
SHE BURIED HER DREAMS AND I
SOLD MY SOUL TO THAT BUSINESS
SO THAT WE COULD PROVIDE YOU
WITH THE THINGS WE DIDN'T HAVE.
DON'T TELL ME WE'VE
TURNED YOU INTO THIS!
WE'VE GIVEN OUR
LIVES FOR THIS FAMILY!
YOU DON'T HAVE THE
RIGHT TO WALK OUT ON IT!
WATCH ME.
MATTIE, PLEASE... OH, GOD!
NO!
YOU WOULDN'T DARE MESS
UP YOUR PERFECT WORK.
I ALREADY HAVE.
OH!
OH, MY GOD!
OH, MY GOD!
AAH!
CAPTIONING MADE
POSSIBLE BY WARNER BROS.
♪ MAKE ME BEAUTIFUL ♪
♪ LIFE ♪