Nip/Tuck (2003–2010): Season 3, Episode 13 - Joy Kringle - full transcript

TELL ME WHAT YOU DON'T LIKE
ABOUT YOURSELF, MRS. KRINGLE.

THESE LAST 15 POUNDS.

I'VE JUST HAD NO LUCK
GETTING RID OF THEM.

THE FIRST 75 DIDN'T
EXACTLY FALL OFF, EITHER.

IT'S A PROVEN FACT THAT
MEN AND WOMEN LOSE FAT

AT DIFFERENT RATES.

WHY DO YOU ALWAYS
HAVE TO COMPARE?

YOU WERE THE ONE SNEAKING
ALL THE EXTRA ZONE BARS, MAMA.

THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING.

WESLEY AND I USED TO
BOTH BE A LOT HEAVIER,

BUT WE WENT ON A
LIQUID DIET LAST SPRING,



AND TOGETHER LOST
ALMOST 200 POUNDS.

THAT'S IMPRESSIVE.
CONGRATULATIONS.

BUT NOW THE HOLIDAYS ARE HERE

AND I'VE JUST GOTTA LOSE THESE
LAST FEW INCHES BEFORE CHRISTMAS.

CAN LIPO HELP?

USUALLY WE GET REQUESTS
LIKE YOURS AFTER NEW YEAR'S,

WHEN EVERYONE MAKES
THEIR RESOLUTIONS.

OH, WE MADE A
RESOLUTION A YEAR AGO

TO BE AT 10% BODY FAT BY NOW.

IT WAS A CAREER CHOICE.

JOY AND I, WE'RE THE
FEATURE ATTRACTION

OVER AT THE DOLPHIN
MALL DURING THE HOLIDAYS.

WE WORK AS SANTA AND MRS. CLAUS.

WITH A NAME LIKE KRINGLE,
WHAT ARE THE ODDS?



OH, IT'S NOT A
COINCIDENCE, DOCTOR.

THANK YOU.

WE USED TO BE THE MAYFIELDS,

BUT WE HAD OUR NAME
LEGALLY CHANGED BACK IN '91.

I THINK THAT'S WHEN WE STARTED
PUTTING ON THE WEIGHT, RIGHT?

WELL, WE WERE VERY
METHOD BACK THEN.

OF COURSE, WITH
CHILDHOOD OBESITY RATES

THE WAY THEY ARE TODAY,

FAT IS NOT AN IMAGE WE
WANT TO PROMOTE ANYMORE.

THE HOLIDAYS DON'T HAVE TO BE
ABOUT GLUTTONY AND OVERINDULGENCE.

THE TRUE SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS

IS ABOUT CELEBRATION
AND GOOD CHEER,

AND STUDIES SHOW

THAT PEOPLE ARE MUCH
CHEERIER IF THEY'RE HEALTHY.

NOW, WE TRY TO
TEACH THE KIDS THAT.

EVEN OUR CANDY
CANES ARE SUGAR-FREE.

OH.

WE DO THIS FOR THE CHILDREN.

WE NEVER HAD ANY OF OUR OWN

AND IT RUINED THE
HOLIDAYS FOR US,

SO ONE YEAR AS A JOKE,

WE DRESSED UP AS THE CLAUSES

AND WE GOT SO MUCH ENJOYMENT
OUT OF SEEING THE KIDS' FACES,

WE NEVER STOPPED.

WE TAKE IT VERY SERIOUSLY NOW.

DOES THAT MEAN WE'LL BE SENDING
YOUR BILL TO THE NORTH POLE?

HEH.

WELL, WE CAN CERTAINLY
EXPLORE THE OPTION OF MICRO-LIPO,

ALTHOUGH I HAVE TO SAY,
HAVING 2 KIDS OF MY OWN,

THE IDEA OF A TRIM SANTA
SEEMS NONTRADITIONAL.

YOU STILL PAD THE
SUIT, THOUGH, RIGHT?

I WAS PLANNING ON BRINGING
MY DAUGHTER BY NEXT WEEK.

IT'S OUR SINCERE HOPE

THAT BY THE TIME YOUR
KIDS HAVE KIDS, DOCTOR,

SANTA WILL NO LONGER BE
THOUGHT OF AS THE FAT MAN.

HE'LL BE TRIM, TIGHT,

AND A LITTLE BIT SEXY.

WHAT ABOUT THE ELVES?

I ALWAYS FELT LIKE THAT
WAS INDENTURED SERVITUDE.

ARE YOU GONNA DO
SOMETHING ABOUT THAT?

CAPTIONING MADE
POSSIBLE BY WARNER BROS.

♪ MAKE ME BEAUTIFUL ♪

♪ MAKE ME... ♪

♪ A PERFECT SOUL ♪

♪ A PERFECT MIND ♪

♪ A PERFECT FACE ♪

♪ A PERFECT... ♪

♪ LIFE ♪

DO YOU THINK MARY
HAD SEX WITH GOD?

UM... UH... WELL, UM,
MY PERSONAL THEORY

IS THAT MARY GOT IT ON WITH
JOSEPH BEFORE THE WEDDING,

AND THEN WHEN JESUS WAS
BORN LESS THAN 9 MONTHS LATER,

SHE TOLD EVERYONE
IT WAS A VIRGIN BIRTH.

THAT WAY, NO ONE
WOULD KNOW SHE HAD SEX

BEFORE SHE WAS MARRIED.

IT WOULD BE PRETTY TOUGH
TO GET AWAY WITH THAT TODAY.

MATT, KNOCK IT OFF.

ALTHOUGH, COME TO THINK OF IT,

YOU AND I KNOW SOMEONE
A LOT LIKE THE VIRGIN MARY,

ONLY SHE GOT PREGNANT BY HER
HUSBAND'S BEST FRIEND BEFORE THE WEDDING.

SHE ALSO TOLD A BIG
OLD WHOPPER OF A LIE,

AND EVERYONE BELIEVED
IT FOR A VERY LONG TIME.

YES, BUT HER BABY
WAS NO SON OF GOD.

IT WAS A JOKE, MOM.

I'M SORRY.

JESUS, YOU'RE WHITE AS A SHEET.

UH, I'M NOT FEELING VERY...

OH, OK. HEY, WHOA. I GOT YOU.

I GOT YOU, I GOT YOU.

HERE, COME HERE.

FOR YEARS, I'VE BEEN RECOMMENDING
YOU GET A FLU SHOT, JULIA.

YEAH, WELL, I WOULDN'T
HAVE BOTHERED YOU,

BUT DR. EDELMAN'S
OUT OF TOWN, AND...

I'VE BEEN FEELING
REALLY RUN DOWN.

WELL, YOU'VE HAD A ROUGH MONTH.

AND IT WOULDN'T BE CHRISTMAS

IF YOU WEREN'T TRYING TO DO
MORE THAN HUMANLY POSSIBLE.

AT LEAST WHEN I WAS AROUND,

YOU HAD A LITTLE
HELP WITH ALL OF IT.

THIS WILL STING A LITTLE.

WELL, I THINK YOU'RE MYTHOLOGIZING
OUR HOLIDAYS TOGETHER, SEAN.

WHAT I REMEMBER MOST
IS NAGGING YOU ENDLESSLY.

I REMEMBER THAT, TOO.

JUST HOLD THIS.

I MISS ALL OF IT.

UH, SO...

YOU GUYS DOING THE
BIG TURKEY DINNER THING?

NO. NOT THIS YEAR.

MATT'S BEEN INVITED
TO THE ALDERMANS

AND ANNIE'S GOING TO
EPCOT WITH THE EPSTEINS.

SO I IMAGINE YOU AND QUENTIN
WILL BE SKIING IN GSTAAD

OR SNORKELING
IN ST. BART'S, THEN.

I'M NOT SEEING QUENTIN ANYMORE.

AND HE'S NO LONGER
WORKING AT THE SPA.

HE QUIT?

I FIRED HIM.

PLEASE, SEAN,

NO PATERNALISTIC
I TOLD YOU SO'S.

I WAS JUST GONNA
SAY THAT I'M SORRY

IF THAT PUTS A DAMPER
ON YOUR CHRISTMAS.

NO. I HAVE A TON OF WORK TO DO,

AND THIS YEAR, CHRISTMAS
IS JUST ANOTHER DAY.

YEAH.

WELL, AREN'T YOU GONNA
PUT THE BAND-AID ON ME?

RIGHT.

SORRY.

UM...

WHAT?

I WAS JUST THINKING THAT...

THAT WE SHOULD HAVE
LINDA DO A BLOOD PANEL,

MAKE SURE YOU'RE NOT ANEMIC.

YEAH.

FINE.

YOU'RE THE DOCTOR.

♪ AWAY IN A MANGER ♪

♪ NO CRIB FOR A BED ♪

♪ THE LITTLE LORD JESUS... ♪

THIS IS SO WRONG.

YEAH, I KNOW.

I DIDN'T THINK THEY
COULD PUT RELIGIOUS STUFF

ON SCHOOL GROUNDS.

MATT, ARE YOU
LOOKING AT THEIR FACES?

THEY'RE BLACK!

JESUS WAS NOT BLACK.

THEY'RE A LITTLE
DARK-SKINNED, MAYBE,

BUT IT'S NOT LIKE
THEY HAVE AFROS.

HUH. IT FIGURES

THEY WOULD BE
ALLOWED TO DO THIS.

WELL, IF YOU'RE THAT
UPSET, TALK TO THE PRINCIPAL.

RIGHT. PRINCIPAL GOLDBERG?

MATT, SHE'S A JEW.

SHE DOESN'T CARE
ABOUT CHRISTMAS.

SHE'S AT HOME ON THE 25th EATING
CHINESE FOOD OR SOMETHING.

I MEAN, IF SHE REALLY
CARED ABOUT THIS,

THIS WOULDN'T HAVE HAPPENED.

HMM.

THIS WHOLE THING
IS A FAIRY TALE.

COME ON. I THOUGHT WE
WERE SKIPPING LAST PERIOD.

THE STORY OF THE BIRTH
OF JESUS IS SACRED, MATT.

IT'S THE FOUNDATION
OF ALL CHRISTIANITY.

SAYING THAT JESUS WAS A MUD BABY

IS LIKE PISSING ON THE BIBLE.

YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED
TO TAKE IT LITERALLY.

THE STORY'S FOR KIDS.

JESUS IS SANTA CLAUS FOR ADULTS.

DO YOU KNOW WHO SANTA WAS

BEFORE HE BECAME THE
MARKETING TOOL HE IS TODAY?

ST. NICHOLAS, THE
PATRON SAINT OF CHARITY.

BUT BY 1930, WHEN
COCA-COLA GOT AHOLD OF HIM,

HE SUDDENLY BECAME THIS
BIG FAT-ASS IN A RED SUIT,

FLYING AROUND WITH
A SLEIGH AND REINDEER,

TOTALLY CORRUPTING THE HOLIDAY

AND MOCKING ANY
RELIGIOUS MEANING BEHIND IT.

YOU'RE KIDDING.

NO, I'M NOT.

IT'S A PERFECT EXAMPLE
OF WHAT HAPPENS

WHEN WE DON'T
PROTECT OUR HISTORY.

WHEN WE DON'T PROTECT OUR TRUTH,

IT CAN BE REWRITTEN.

WE HAVE TO DO SOMETHING.

♪ HALLELUJAH ♪

♪ HALLELUJAH... ♪

THE MESSIAH?

LIZ, I THOUGHT YOU
WERE AN ATHEIST.

I KIND OF GO ON THE WAGON
AROUND THE HOLIDAYS.

YOU MISS OUT ON TOO MUCH
GOOD MUSIC IF YOU DON'T.

AND IT PUTS ME IN A
VERY FORGIVING MOOD.

WELL, IN THAT CASE,
I'M GLAD IT'S ON.

ALL RIGHT.

SHALL WE SUCK THE
PRINGLES OUT OF THE KRINGLE?

♪ HALLELUJAH, HALLELUJAH ♪

♪ HALLELUJAH, HALLELUJAH ♪

♪ FOR THE LORD
GOD OMNIPOTENT... ♪

OH, SORRY, MAESTRO.

WE STARTED THE
PERFORMANCE WITHOUT YOU.

♪ HALLELUJAH, HALLELUJAH ♪

♪ HALLELUJAH, HALLELUJAH... ♪

ARE YOU OK? YOU LOOK
LIKE SOMEBODY DUMPED

A LUMP OF COAL IN YOUR STOCKING.

JULIA'S PREGNANT.

WHAT?

SHE CAME IN EARLIER
FOR A FLU SHOT,

I RAN A BLOOD PANEL AS A
PRECAUTIONARY MEASURE,

AND THE LAB JUST CALLED

AND SAID SHE WAS PREGNANT.

DID YOU TELL HER?

LIZ, YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING.

I THINK JULIA'S GONNA BE ABLE
TO FIGURE THIS OUT FOR HERSELF.

HOW LONG AGO DID SHE AND
QUENTIN START SEEING EACH OTHER?

SHIT.

YEAH.

NO, SHIT, I HIT SOMETHING.

LOOK.

WHAT DOES IT FEEL LIKE?

I DON'T KNOW.

LIKE A TUMOR OR A HERNIA, MAYBE?

THAT'S NO HERNIA.

WHAT ARE HER VITALS?

HEART RATE'S INCREASING.

WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO OPEN HER UP.

I'LL GO TALK TO SANTA.

ALL RIGHT, WE'RE GONNA
NEED A LAPAROTOMY TRAY.

♪ AND HE SHALL REIGN ♪

♪ FOREVER AND EVER AND EVER ♪

♪ AND HE SHALL REIGN ♪

♪ FOREVER AND EVER AND EVER... ♪

CONSENT SIGNED.

WE'RE GOING IN.

♪ FOREVER AND EVER ♪

♪ AND LORD OF LORDS... ♪

10 BLADE.

♪ AND HE SHALL REIGN ♪

♪ FOREVER AND EVER ♪

♪ KING OF KINGS ♪

♪ AND LORD OF LORDS ♪

♪ KING OF KINGS ♪

♪ AND LORD OF LORDS ♪

♪ AND HE SHALL
REIGN FOREVER... ♪

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

♪ FOREVER AND EVER... ♪

THAT'S NOT GROWING
OUT OF HER UTERUS, IS IT?

♪ HALLELUJAH, HALLELUJAH ♪

♪ HALLELUJAH, HALLELUJAH... ♪

OH, MY GOD.

IT LOOKS LIKE SOMEBODY
ELSE DIDN'T REALIZE

THEY WERE PREGNANT, EITHER.

♪ HALLELUJAH ♪

♪ I SAID A LITTLE ROCK,
SAID A LITTLE ROLL ♪

♪ GONNA HAVE A HOOTENANY ♪

♪ GOTTA ROCK ♪

♪ GOTTA ROCK ♪

♪ SAID SANTA'S
GONNA ROCK 'N' ROLL ♪

♪ ON CHRISTMAS EVE ♪

♪ WELL, SANTA'S BEEN
WORKING HARD ALL YEAR LONG ♪

♪ NOW IT'S GONNA BE
WINE, WOMEN, AND SONG ♪

♪ WHOLE RIDE IS ROCKIN',
REELIN', GIVE IT A RING ♪

♪ GONNA RING THE
LITTLE HOLIDAYS IN ♪

♪ DING, DING-A-LING ♪

♪ GOTTA BO-DE-OH,
SOME LITTLE WHITE PILLS ♪

♪ IF MR. CLAUSE DON'T DO
IT, YOU DON'T DANCIN' WILL ♪

♪ GOTTA ROCK ♪

♪ GOTTA ROCK ♪

♪ YEAH ♪

♪ PLAY A LITTLE ROCK 'N' ROLL ♪

♪ ON CHRISTMAS EVE ♪

♪ AAH! HERE WE GO... ♪

HEADS UP.

WHOO!

NICE CATCH.

I GOTS THE GOOD HANDS, BABY.

OH, DON'T I KNOW IT.

♪ WELL, SANTA GOT DRUNK
LAST CHRISTMAS EVE ♪

♪ AND HE DID SOME SHIT... ♪

WE GOT IT ALL, I GUESS.

♪ HEY, GOTTA ROCK ♪

♪ YES, IT'S TIME
FOR ROCK 'N' ROLL ♪

♪ ON CHRISTMAS EVE... ♪

♪ YEAH, IT'S TIME FOR
A LITTLE ROCK 'N' ROLL ♪

♪ ON CHRISTMAS EVE ♪

♪ HERE WE GO ♪

♪ SANTA CLAUS ♪

♪ IS GONNA ROCK 'N'
ROLL ON CHRISTMAS EVE ♪

I KNOW I'M SUPPOSED TO CALL,

BUT I... TOOK A CHANCE.

I THOUGHT YOU'D WANT THESE.

IT'S THE HANDMADE ORNAMENTS

FROM WHEN THE KIDS WERE LITTLE.

GREAT.

ONE MORE BOX OF
DECORATIONS TO HANG.

ANNIE SAID YOU GUYS
ALREADY TRIMMED THE TREE.

YEAH, WELL, YOU
KNOW HOW IT IS, SEAN.

EVERYONE STARTS OUT
WITH GOOD INTENTIONS,

AND EVENTUALLY I'M ALL BY
MYSELF EATING ALL THE COOKIES

AND GUESSING OUT
LOUD TO JEOPARDY!

BY THE WAY,

HAVE YOU SEEN
MATT'S BABY ORNAMENT?

I MEAN, MAYBE IT'S IN HERE,

BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT
COULD HAVE HAPPENED TO IT.

DO YOU THINK IT'S BAD LUCK TO
LOSE YOUR BABY'S FIRST ORNAMENT?

IS THAT LIKE LOSING
YOUR WEDDING RING?

JULIA, THE BLOOD
PANEL CAME BACK.

YOU'RE PREGNANT.

PREGNANT WITH A...
WHAT DID YOU CALL IT?

A LITHOPEDION.

LITHO MEANING STONE,
PEDION MEANING CHILD.

YOU HAD A... PETRIFIED
FETUS INSIDE OF YOU.

HOW DOES SOMETHING
LIKE THAT HAPPEN?

AT SOME POINT, YOU HAD
AN UNDIAGNOSED PREGNANCY

AND THE FETUS DIED.

THROUGH SOME FLUKE, IT
REMAINED IN YOUR ABDOMINAL CAVITY

AND JUST CALCIFIED OVER TIME.

JESUS, MARY, AND JOSEPH.

HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN IN THERE?

I'D SAY AT LEAST 15 YEARS,

MAYBE EVEN 20 DUE TO
THE LEVEL OF CALCIFICATION.

THE PATHOLOGY LAB WILL
BE MUCH MORE PRECISE.

I'M SORRY.

THIS IS KIND OF HARD TO BELIEVE.

I DON'T BELIEVE IT.

THE EVIDENCE IS
PRETTY IRREFUTABLE.

I'M NOT PRETENDING
THAT I'M THE VIRGIN MARY,

BUT WHAT I'M SAYING IS, I...

I JUST DIDN'T EXPECT THIS.

I HAVE A COLLEAGUE,

A VERY GOOD DOCTOR, WHO
COULD TAKE GOOD CARE OF...

I'M NOT READY FOR THAT
CONVERSATION, SEAN.

I'M JUST TRYING TO
BE HELPFUL, JULIA.

I'M PROBABLY STATING
THE OBVIOUS HERE,

BUT QUENTIN IS NOT
SOMEONE YOU WANT TO HAVE...

PLEASE, SEAN,
DON'T SAY ANY MORE.

DO YOU WANT THIS BABY?

I ALWAYS WANTED A BABY.

BOTH OF US DID.

WE WERE TOLD IT
WASN'T A POSSIBILITY.

WAS IT A BOY OR A GIRL?

AFTER THEY RUN ALL THE
TESTS, WE'LL KNOW MORE.

THE, UH, ORGANS WEREN'T VISIBLE.

CAN I SEE IT BEFORE
YOU SEND IT OFF?

I DON'T THINK
THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.

I NEED TO SEE IT.

I NEED TO BE ALONE NOW, SEAN.

YOU HAVEN'T SAID ANYTHING
TO QUENTIN, HAVE YOU?

THAT'S YOUR JOB, JULIA.

I'D NEVER DO THAT.

ARE YOU GONNA TELL HIM?

SORRY.

LIKE I SAID EARLIER,

I SHOULD HAVE CALLED FIRST.

OH.

I DON'T KNOW HOW
I'M GONNA TELL SANTA.

IS THAT FOR ME?

YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE.

I'M HERE FOR MY
PAYOUT, CHRISTIAN.

YOU HAVEN'T ANSWERED MY CALLS.

I'LL GET IT OFF TO
YOU IN THE MORNING.

I NEED IT NOW.

I'M LEAVING FOR THE
HOLIDAYS IN THE MORNING.

ALL BY YOUR LONESOME?

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO YOUR
BURGEONING RELATIONSHIP?

WHAT RELATIONSHIP?

I WAS UNDER THE IMPRESSION
THAT YOU AND JULIA...

JULIA AND I HAD A
PARTING OF THE WAYS.

HMM. WHAT WAS THE PROBLEM,

SHE DIDN'T HAVE A DICK?

I'LL TELL YOU
SOMETHING, CHRISTIAN.

SHE TRIED TO BLOW
ME IN HER JACUZZI

AND I HAD THIS EPIPHANY.

IF I'M FINDING THIS A SAD CHORE,

HOW COULD I POSSIBLY GO FURTHER?

I HAD TO FINISH OFF IN THE JET.

SO YOU AND JULIA
NEVER... NO. NOT ONCE.

I WANT MY MONEY NOW.

TO BE HONEST, I'M THRILLED
TO BE WRITING THIS CHECK.

IT MEANS I'LL NEVER HAVE
TO LAY EYES ON YOU AGAIN.

WHAT A GIFT.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS.

♪ HARK THE HERALD ANGELS SING ♪

♪ GLORY TO THE NEWBORN KING ♪

♪ PEACE ON EARTH
AND MERCY MILD ♪

♪ GOD AND SINNERS RECONCILED ♪

♪ JOYFUL ALL... ♪

MATT?

CAN YOU TELL THAT
SHE'S STILL BLACK?

SHE LOOKS ALBINO.

YOU... YOU KNOW, I WAS, UH...

I WAS THINKING WE SHOULD
WATER SOME OF THIS PAINT DOWN

SO THAT THEY DON'T
LOOK SO CARTOONISH.

NO. I THINK WE'RE GONNA

HAVE TO DO SECOND
COATS ON ALL THESE.

THEY'RE NOT WHITE ENOUGH.

YOU'RE KIDDING, RIGHT?

NO. I MEAN, YOU CAN
TELL THAT SHE'S BLACK.

LOOK, LOOK.

WHEN THE LIGHT HITS HER,

YOU CAN DEFINITELY TELL.

I THINK PEOPLE
WILL GET THE POINT.

WELL, I DON'T WANT
PEOPLE TO KNOW

THAT THERE WAS BLACK
UNDERNEATH THERE BEFORE.

WHY IS THAT WRONG?

ARE YOU OK?

DO YOU LOVE ME?

IS THAT WHAT THIS IS ABOUT?

DO YOU LOVE ME?

HONEY, I JUST STOLE
THE BABY JESUS

BECAUSE YOU ASKED ME TO.

YES, I LOVE YOU.

SO IF I TOLD YOU A SECRET,

YOU'D PROMISE NOT
TO TELL ANYONE, RIGHT?

MM-HMM.

YOU CAN TRUST ME.

OK.

YOU HAD MRS. TIGH'S
HISTORY CLASS, RIGHT?

MM-HMM.

WELL, SHE MADE US
DO THIS FAMILY TREE,

AND I THOUGHT IT WAS GONNA
BE A GOOD CHRISTMAS PRESENT

FOR MY FAMILY, YOU KNOW?

AND, UM,

AND THEN I FOUND OUT THAT
MY MOM'S GREAT-GRANDMOTHER...

WAS BLACK,

WHICH MEANS THAT
MY MOM IS PART BLACK,

WHICH MEANS THAT I'M...

YOU DIDN'T KNOW THAT
MY MOM WAS AN OCTOROON

WHEN YOU MET HER, DID YOU?
I MEAN, YOU COULDN'T TELL?

A WHAT?

AN OCTOROON. 1/8 BLACK.

AND THAT MEANS
THAT I'M 1/16... BLACK.

HONEY, I DON'T THINK ANYBODY
WILL EVER BE ABLE TO TELL THAT.

MY DAD MIGHT.

MATT, IF I GET ANY DARKER,

THEN MY DAD'S
GONNA BE ABLE TO TELL.

ARIEL, YOU'RE WHITER THAN ME.

WELL, GENETICALLY, I HAVE
MORE MELANIN IN MY SKIN.

AND ONE DAY, I
COULD START TO TURN.

I READ IT ONLINE, MATT.

COULD YOU HELP
ME BLEACH MY SKIN?

WHAT?

YEAH. THERE'S THIS CREAM THAT
YOU CAN GET THAT WHITENS YOUR SKIN,

AND YOUR MOM PROBABLY
HAS IT AT THE SPA,

AND ALL YOU NEED TO DO IS
JUST GET AHOLD OF SOME...

HONEY, THAT'S CRAZY.

WHY? PEOPLE DO IT ALL
THE TIME. IT'S COSMETIC.

TRYING TO MAKE YOUR SKIN WHITER?

HOW IS THAT GONNA HELP ANYTHING?

BECAUSE IF MY DAD FINDS OUT
THAT I HAVE BLACK BLOOD IN ME,

HE'S GONNA GO BALLISTIC.

I MEAN, YOU'VE SEEN HOW HE IS,

AND I'M REALLY SCARED WHAT
HE'S GONNA DO TO ME AND MY MOM.

YEAH, BUT SO WHAT IF
YOU'VE GOT BLACK BLOOD

IN YOU FROM 100 YEARS AGO?

THAT DOESN'T CHANGE
WHO YOU ARE NOW.

OH, NO? NO.

WELL, WHAT HAPPENED WHEN
YOUR DAD FOUND OUT 17 YEARS LATER

THAT YOU WEREN'T THE SON
THAT HE THOUGHT YOU WERE?

HOW DID THAT WORK OUT FOR YOU?

♪ I'M DREAMING ♪

♪ OF A WHITE CHRISTMAS... ♪

YOU MUST HAVE BEEN A
VERY GOOD BOY THIS YEAR.

SANTA BROUGHT YOU AN
EARLY STOCKING STUFFER.

GUESS WHO IS NOT THE FATHER

OF JULIA'S BABY?

YOU.

HA HA. VERY FUNNY.

QUENTIN.

YOU DIDN'T TELL HIM, DID YOU?

I PROMISED JULIA...

I WOULDN'T DO THAT.
HE VOLUNTEERED IT.

HE SAID THAT HE
NEVER SLEPT WITH JULIA.

YOU BELIEVE HIM?

WHY WOULD HE LIE?

HE'S TOO MUCH OF A
COCK NOT TO CROW.

SO SHE MUST BE SEEING SOMEONE.

SHE MENTION ANYTHING TO YOU?

NO, UH... SHE HASN'T.

ARE YOU SURE? NOT
EVEN IN PASSING?

I MEAN, YOU KNOW, A FRIEND
OR SOMEBODY NEW AT WORK OR...

NOPE.

SHIT. REALLY?

THEN WHO THE HELL'S THE FATHER?

WHO IS THE GODDAMN FATHER?!

IT'S A PRETTY SIMPLE
QUESTION, JOY!

EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT IN HERE?

I KNEW HE WOULDN'T TAKE IT WELL.

TAKE IT WELL?

SHE... SHE TELLS ME
HOW SHE WALKS AROUND

WITH ANOTHER MAN'S
BABY INSIDE OF HER?

WELL, WHAT AM I SUPPOSED
TO SAY... HO, HO, HO?

WELL, LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.

YOU ARE THE GODDAMN HO, JOY.

LOOK, IT'S DIFFICULT NEWS
TO ABSORB, MR. KRINGLE,

BUT YOUR WIFE HAS JUST
BEEN THROUGH MAJOR SURGERY,

AND WE NEED TO STAY CALM.

OH, I'LL BE A LOT CALMER
ONCE I GET AN ANSWER.

IT WAS 17 YEARS AGO.

IT WAS JUST ONCE.

WHO WAS IT?!

IT WAS ANDY.

ANDY?

MY ASSISTANT ANDY?

HE WAS... HE WAS 18 YEARS OLD.

HE WAS... HE WAS PAYING HIS WAY

THROUGH COLLEGE
BY WORKING FOR US.

HOW COULD YOU DO THAT, JOY?

HE PAID ME SOME
GODDAMN ATTENTION, WES!

AFTER THE DOCTORS TOLD US

YOUR SPERM WASN'T VIABLE,

YOU JUST JUMPED HEADLONG
INTO THE WHOLE SANTA THING

AND ALL THE LITTLE BRATS
THAT WORSHIPPED YOU.

AND IT WAS ALL ABOUT
THEM AND YOUR CAREER,

AND I GOT A LITTLE LONELY.

I COULDN'T TALK TO YOU.

I STILL CAN'T.

I'LL NEVER GET PAST
THIS, JOY... EVER.

YOU KNOW, MR. KRINGLE, I
HAD A SIMILAR EXPERIENCE.

SOMETHING FROM THE PAST
CAME UP IN MY MARRIAGE,

AND GIVEN ALL YOU TWO
HAVE BUILT TOGETHER,

I'D HATE TO SEE
RASHNESS PREVAIL HERE.

IT'S ALL BEEN A LIE, JOY?

OUR ENTIRE MARRIAGE?

NO, OF COURSE NOT.

BUT EVERY DAY ISN'T CHRISTMAS.

SOMETIMES I DON'T FEEL JOLLY.

I FEEL LIKE SHIT.

I'M TIRED OF BEING
MRS. SANTA CLAUS.

I JUST WANT TO BE
MYSELF... JOY BECKENDAHL,

YOUR NORMAL, MOODY,
MIDDLE-AGED WIFE.

WELL, I DON'T THINK THAT'S
POSSIBLE ANYMORE, JOY.

MAYBE THERE'S SOMETHING TO
BE SAID FOR EMBRACING THE TRUTH,

FOR LIVING IN THE
REALITY OF A RELATIONSHIP

INSTEAD OF THE MYTH.

UH-HUH.

WELL, HERE'S MY REALITY.

SHE CAN BE NORMAL
LITTLE JOY BECKENDAHL,

THE EX-MRS. KRINGLE.

SANTA'S GOING SOLO.

IF YOU WANT, I CAN GIVE
YOU A GIFT CERTIFICATE

FOR MRS. ALDERMAN TO
COME IN FOR A MASSAGE.

OH, PLEASE, MOM. THIS IS
ALREADY TOO MUCH STUFF.

AS A MOTHER, I CAN TELL YOU,

IF YOU'RE BEING INVITED
TO SPEND CHRISTMAS EVE

AT THEIR HOUSE,

YOU'D BETTER MAKE
A GOOD IMPRESSION.

WELL, TRUST ME, GIVING MRS.
ALDERMAN THIS MUCH FREE SWAG

WILL LEAVE THE IMPRESSION THAT
I'M READY TO MARRY HER DAUGHTER.

WHAT'S ARIEL'S MOM LIKE?

SHE'S NICE.

YOU KNOW, TYPICAL MOM.

NOTHING LIKE YOU.

I DIDN'T MEAN THAT IN A BAD WAY.

SURE YOU DIDN'T.

NO. I MEANT YOU'RE
MORE THAN JUST A MOTHER.

YOU'RE A BIG-SHOT BUSINESSWOMAN

WITH A WHOLE NEW
CAREER FOR YOURSELF.

THAT'S A HELL OF A LOT BETTER

THAN BEING A
STAY-AT-HOME MOM, RIGHT?

OH, HONEY, YOU DON'T NEED THIS.

THIS IS MEDICAL-GRADE
SKIN BLEACH.

OH, WOW. THANKS
FOR CATCHING THAT.

BELIEVE ME, IF MRS. ALDERMAN

EVER PUT THAT ON BY MISTAKE,

YOU WOULD NEVER BE INVITED BACK.

SPA DE LA MER.

Julia: HELLO?

HELLO?

UM, THANKS. YOU'RE BUSY.

I'LL CALL YOU LATER, OK? BYE.

HELLO.

DID YOU JUST CALL ME?

DID I?

UM... YEAH.

WHY DID YOU HANG UP?

I WAS CHICKEN.

I WAS CALLING TO SEE

WHAT YOU WERE
DOING CHRISTMAS EVE.

OH.

ARE YOU BUSY?

SORT OF.

UH... I HAVE AN APPOINTMENT.

UM...

AND I'LL PROBABLY
WANT TO BE ALONE LATER.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD
HAVE SOMEONE DRIVE YOU.

COME ON, LET ME SEE IT,

LET ME SEE IT, LET ME SEE IT.

ALL RIGHT. JESUS.

OH!

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

SILLY.

YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO WRAP IT.

UH, WHAT IS THIS?

UM... DR. SLOAN IS
A PSYCHOTHERAPIST

WHO SPECIALIZES IN
TEEN IMAGE ISSUES.

MY GRANDMOTHER RECOMMENDED HER.

FOR WHAT?

I THINK YOU NEED
TO TALK TO SOMEONE

ABOUT WHAT YOU'RE
GOING THROUGH...

ALL THIS PARANOIA
ABOUT BEING BLACK.

I'M WORRIED. YOU KNOW,
YOU'RE LIKE AN ANOREXIC,

ONLY YOU CAN'T GET WHITE ENOUGH.

YOU ARE GETTING WAY TOO SERIOUS.

COME ON, JUST...
WHERE'S THE CREAM?

LOOK, I AM SERIOUS, ARIEL.

I THINK YOU NEED HELP.

AND WHEN DID YOU BECOME
THE EXPERT ON MENTAL HEALTH?

AHA!

FOUND IT!

LOOK, THAT'S ONLY IN THERE
BECAUSE I'M RETURNING IT.

YOU CAN'T HAVE IT.
WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?

YESTERDAY WE WERE
HAVING SO MUCH FUN,

AND YOU WERE TOTALLY
ON BOARD WITH THIS.

YEAH, WELL, IT'S
NOT FUN ANYMORE.

YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT HURTING
YOURSELF WITH SOMETHING CRAZY.

HURTING MYSELF? THEY SELL
THIS IN BEAUTY PARLORS, MATT.

GOSH, WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?

IT'S STRONGER THAN THAT STUFF.

YOU KNOW WHAT? IF I KNEW
YOU WERE GONNA BE LIKE THIS,

I WOULD HAVE ORDERED IT ONLINE.

YOU THINK IT'S WORKING?

HOW DO I LOOK?

A LITTLE INSANE, ACTUALLY.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

SCREW YOU, MATT.

I THOUGHT YOU ACTUALLY UNDERSTOOD
WHAT I WAS GOING THROUGH, BUT YOU DON'T!

I SHOULD HAVE NEVER
TRUSTED YOU! GET OUT!

FINE.

ASSHOLE.

WAIT. DON'T LEAVE.

NO, I THINK YOU WERE
RIGHT. I SHOULD GO.

MY FACE... IT FEELS
LIKE IT'S ON FIRE.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

HOW DO YOU MAKE
IT STOP? IT HURTS!

AAH! AAH! AAH!

HOW DO YOU MAKE IT STOP?!

OW! YOU'RE MAKING IT
WORSE! OK, OK! COME ON!

IS SHE GONNA BE OK?

IT'S NOTHING WORSE
THAN A FIRST-DEGREE BURN.

YOU'RE LUCKY MATT BROUGHT
YOU IN AS SOON AS HE DID.

THERE SHOULD BE NO
PERMANENT SCARRING.

THANK YOU, BY THE WAY.

SO I GUESS PLASTIC SURGEONS

AREN'T THE DEVIL WHEN
YOU NEED THEM, HUH?

MATT, CAN I HAVE A WORD?

YOU'RE BOTH VERY LUCKY.

IF SHE HAD A REACTION,
SHE'D BE IN SHOCK RIGHT NOW.

YEAH. I TOLD HER
IT WAS A BAD IDEA.

NOW, WAS THAT BEFORE OR AFTER

YOU STOLE THE CREAM
FROM YOUR MOTHER?

HMM?

LOOK, YOU WANT TO SHAVE YOUR
HEAD AND RUIN YOUR LIFE, THAT'S FINE,

BUT WHEN YOU START
HURTING OTHER PEOPLE,

THAT'S WHEN I HAVE A PROBLEM.

LOOK, I CAME TO YOU FOR HELP,

BUT IF THIS IS GONNA TURN INTO
A FATHER/SON LECTURE, THEN...

LET'S STOP PRETENDING WE HAVE

A FATHER/SON
RELATIONSHIP, SHALL WE?

OK.

I'M BILLING YOU FOR MY TIME.

MATT!

HEY...

ARIEL. WHAT... WHAT'S
GOING ON HERE?

DAD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

WELL, MATT CALLED ME. WHAT
HAPPENED TO YOUR FACE?

SHE HAD A REACTION TO
A SKIN-BLEACHING CREAM.

NOTHING SEVERE.
SHE'S GONNA BE FINE.

WHY DID YOU CALL HIM?

BECAUSE YOU CAN'T KEEP
HIDING THIS ANYMORE, ARIEL.

HIDING WHAT? WHAT...
HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?

UM, MATT SAID THAT I
SHOULD LIGHTEN MY FRECKLES,

SO HE STOLE SOME BLEACH
CREAM FROM HIS MOM'S SPA,

AND WE PUT IT ON MY
FACE AND I HAD A REACTION.

YOU DID THIS?

TELL HIM WHAT YOU TOLD ME
ABOUT THE RESEARCH PAPER.

HONEY, I WON'T LET HIM HURT YOU.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

ARIEL DISCOVERED THAT
HER MOTHER, YOUR WIFE,

COMES FROM AFRICAN LINEAGE,

BUT SHE WAS SO AFRAID
OF WHAT YOU MIGHT DO

THAT SHE TRIED TO
BLEACH HER SKIN.

WHAT? JUST TELL HER

THAT BEING 1/16 BLACK
DOESN'T MATTER TO YOU,

THAT YOUR LOVE FOR HER IS
NOT BASED ON WHAT COLOR SHE IS.

HMM? IS THAT TRUE?

OF COURSE NOT.

DAD, I'M NOT BLACK.

HE'S JUST SAYING THIS TO YOU BECAUSE
HE DOESN'T WANT TO GET IN TROUBLE.

YOU ARE A SICK PERSON...

YOU DON'T THINK THAT I'D EVER
HURT YOU, DO YOU, SWEETHEART?

I WELCOME YOU INTO OUR HOME

AND THIS IS HOW YOU REPAY ME,

BY MAKING UP THESE HATEFUL LIES?

MR. ALDERMAN, SHE'LL DO
SOMETHING WORSE NEXT TIME.

NO, MY DAUGHTER IS ONE OF THE
MOST CONFIDENT, STRONG WOMEN

THAT I HAVE EVER KNOWN, AND YOU
COULDN'T HANDLE THAT, COULD YOU?

SO YOU TRIED TO CHANGE HER FACE

SO THAT YOU'D FEEL
BETTER ABOUT YOURSELF.

YOU KNOW, THAT'S NO
DIFFERENT THAN WHAT HE DOES.

MY SON SAVED YOUR
DAUGHTER FROM A SEVERE BURN.

NOW, YOU CAN BELIEVE YOUR
OWN BULLSHIT IF YOU WANT TO.

THAT'S FINE. BUT UNLESS
YOU WANT A PROBLEM WITH ME,

I SUGGEST YOU LEAVE NOW.

AS LONG AS YOUR SON STAYS
AWAY FROM MY DAUGHTER,

WE HAVE NO PROBLEM.

WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?

BECAUSE PEOPLE ONLY
BELIEVE WHAT THEY WANT TO.

SO, LOOKS LIKE MY
ADVICE FELL ON DEAF EARS.

OH, I HEARD YOU, DOCTOR.

IT'S JUST THAT I
HADN'T MET CIRCE YET.

WELL, THAT'S NOT QUITE TRUE.

JOY USED TO CATCH US
FLIRTING ALL THE TIME.

CIRCE WORKED AT THE
CINNABUN NEAR THE NORTH POLE.

WELL, SHE'S NOT GOING
TO CATCH YOU HERE

IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WERE HOPING.

YOUR WIFE CHECKED
OUT THIS MORNING.

SHE DID?

YES.

WELL, SO WHAT?

SHE'LL... SHE'LL HEAR ABOUT IT,

ONE WAY OR ANOTHER.

I WORK WITH SANTA NOW.

AND YOU WORK QUICKLY.

LOOK, DOC, ALL YEAR LONG

IT'S, UH, "GIMME AN X-BOX.
GIMME A SPONGEBOB."

I SPEND MY LIFE FULFILLING
OTHER PEOPLE'S WISHES.

I'M SURE YOU KNOW
SOMETHING ABOUT THAT.

THIS YEAR SANTA GOT
HIMSELF A PRESENT.

CIRCE HERE HAS A FANTASTIC,
WONDERFUL CHRISTMAS SPIRIT,

AND I'D LIKE TO REWARD
HER WITH SOME DOUBLE Ds.

COME ON, DOC.

WHAT BETTER WAY TO
PROMOTE SANTA'S NEW IMAGE

THAN BY SHOWING OFF HIS
HEALTHY YOUNG WOMAN?

MATTY. WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I DIDN'T... I DIDN'T THINK YOU'D
BE HOME ON CHRISTMAS EVE.

UH, I WAS JUST
LEAVING THAT FOR YOU.

IT'S AN I.O.U. 30 HOURS SLAVE
LABOR... CAR WASHES, COFFEE RUNS,

WHATEVER YOU NEED
TO PAY OFF ARIEL'S VISIT.

I'M NOT EXACTLY
LIQUID RIGHT NOW.

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

YOU HUNGRY? I JUST
BOUGHT A TON OF FOOD.

WHOSE ONE TACKLER AND SURGES
AHEAD CLOSE TO A FIRST DOWN.

JUST A GREAT RUN BY T.J. SIMON.

NOT A BAD WAY TO
SPEND THE HOLIDAYS.

MM, NO.

2 SINGLE MEN WATCHING FOOTBALL,
EATING CHINESE. THAT'S AMERICA.

HOW ARE YOU DOING, BY THE WAY?

I DON'T THINK ABOUT HER.

I WAS PROUD OF
WHAT YOU DID EARLIER.

STANDING UP TO THAT
ASSHOLE TOOK GUTS.

IT'S NOT GONNA
CHANGE ANYTHING, MAN.

THEY'LL GO ON LIVING THEIR LIE

AND NO ONE WILL
EVER TALK ABOUT IT.

YOU EVER WISH YOU
DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT ME...

BEING YOUR BIOLOGICAL FATHER?

YEAH.

IT WAS CERTAINLY
EASIER NOT KNOWING.

BUT, UH...

I'M ADJUSTING.

YOU?

I'M ADJUSTING, TOO.

♪ OOH OOH, ♪

♪ OOH OOH OOH OOH, ♪

♪ O HOLY NIGHT... ♪

UH, I'M JULIA McNAMARA.

I HAVE A 7:30 APPOINTMENT.

JUST FILL THIS OUT,
MRS. McNAMARA.

♪ ...THE NIGHT ♪

♪ OF THE DEAR
SAVIOR'S BIRTH... ♪

RAIN STARTED YET?

NOT YET.

ANY MINUTE, THOUGH.

THANK YOU. PLEASE HAVE A SEAT.

THE DOCTOR WILL BE
OUT IN A FEW MINUTES.

♪ LONG LAY THE WORLD ♪

♪ IN SIN AND ERROR PINING, ♪

♪ THEN HE APPEARED ♪

♪ AND THE SOUL FELT ITS WORTH, ♪

♪ A THRILL OF HOPE, ♪

♪ THE WEARY SOUL REJOICES... ♪

I WAS THINKING...

THIS IS OUR FIRST
CHRISTMAS EVE ALONE

WITHOUT THE KIDS IN 18 YEARS.

♪ A NEW AND GLORIOUS MORN ♪

YES. JUST THINKING
THE SAME THING.

♪ FALL ON YOUR KNEES, ♪

♪ OH, HEAR THE ANGELS' VOICES ♪

IT'S YOUR BABY, SEAN.

♪ O NIGHT DIVINE... ♪

I KNOW.

♪ O NIGHT... ♪

MRS. McNAMARA? THE
DOCTOR'S READY FOR YOU NOW.

OK.

♪ O NIGHT... ♪

♪ O HOLY NIGHT, ♪

♪ O NIGHT DIVINE, ♪

♪ O NIGHT ♪

♪ TRULY HE TAUGHT US ♪

♪ TO LOVE ONE ANOTHER, ♪

♪ HIS LAW IS LOVE, ♪

♪ AND HIS GOSPEL IS PEACE ♪

I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS.

ME NEITHER.

♪ FOR THE SLAVE IS OUR... ♪

LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.

♪ BROTHER... ♪ AND IN HIS NAME ♪

♪ ALL OPPRESSION SHALL CEASE, ♪

♪ SWEET HYMNS OF JOY ♪

♪ IN GRATEFUL CHORUS RISE, ♪

♪ LET ALL WITHIN US ♪

♪ PRAISE HIS HOLY NAME, ♪

♪ CHRIST IS OUR LORD, ♪

♪ O HEAR THE ANGELS' VOICES, ♪

♪ O NIGHT DIVINE, ♪

♪ O NIGHT WHEN
CHRIST WAS BORN, ♪

♪ O NIGHT... ♪

♪ O NIGHT... O NIGHT, ♪

♪ O NIGHT DIVINE ♪

CAPTIONING MADE
POSSIBLE BY WARNER BROS.

♪ MAKE ME BEAUTIFUL ♪

♪ LIFE ♪