Nighty Night (2004–2005): Season 2, Episode 5 - Episode #2.5 - full transcript
Jill feels the only way to infiltrate the Cole household is to announce that she is pregnant and 12 year old Bruce is the father. Don responds by drinking heavily.
(Giggling)
(Giggles )
Jill, could you pass the pepper, please?
Sorry, Cathy, no.
It's too heavy for me, Cathy.
Oh.
Don?
Don.
Don. Pepper.
Oh.
- You OK, Jill?
- I'm fine, Sue.
Please ignore me.
- It was a triumph.
- Thank you. Thanks.
- Oh, dear! Oh!
- Oh, God.
Sorry, Cath.
I...I hope it was nothing wrong with the trout.
- It was a bit tough.
- Oh, dear.
Trout's a hard one to get right, Cath.
I'm pregnant, Sue.
Oh!
I was raped.
Oh, dear.
By Bruce.
So, Jill, when did this happen...with Bruce?
Many, many times, Sue.
He even entered my anus, Arno.
Oh, Jill, he's a 12-year-old boy! This is...
- I've got video evidence, Cath.
- I'd like to see it.
Tape's in the player, Sue.
Jill, I'd like you to have a DNA test.
Deform my unborn foetus?
I'm sure Cath would wait until it's born.
- Then deform it?
- Oh!
(Jaqcues ) Hm... Your jug seems
kind of full today.
What's eating you?
Well, the accusation that my son is a rapist.
Well, hey...
We've all been kind of forceful at times.
He's 12 years old!
12.
13.
21.
42.
Seven.
Zero.
Six.
100.
Two.
18.
2,000.
30.
Five.
These are just numbers.
Yes.
Four.
11.
- 60.
- Please!
Sorry.
Catherine, I'd...
I'd like you to hold the anger ball.
Now...
Bruce is a sexual being.
Most young men have been
pleasuring the lingam since toddlehood.
- I'm sure you've had fun with your yoni.
- I've never...
You must remember Floella's background.
She was brought up in a tribe.
She was not brought up in a...tribe!
Catherine, I'd like to move over to the rage rug.
OK. Now.
Let it go. Just...really let it fly.
I think life is pretty bloomin' smelly!
Jill, he's a 12-year-old boy.
Cathy, he's been making sperm
since the day he was born.
- He's probably cooking up a little pot now.
- He's at Cubs, Jill.
Cath! Jill, are you absolutely sure
you had no part in this?
I'm absolutely certain, Sue.
I was like a useless rag doll.
- Why?
- I was tired.
- Oh.
- A little bit flattered.
Bruce is ever so handsome.
And certainly more so than Don.
Don's aged really quite badly.
Look, Jill, there are...alternatives.
Don's thinking of a...a facelift?
No! I'm talking about a termination!
(Gasps )
(Sobbing) Oh, Cath!
(Sighs ) I'm just trying to do the right thing!
One must always ask,
what would Jesus do in this situation, Catherine?
Hm...
Bless you, Cath.
Sorry to be such a burden.
- I wish I was dead.
- Don't be silly, Jill.
- Now, can I get you anything?
- No.
Get on with your life, Cath.
Erm...are you...all right? Are you in any pain?
Absolutely riddled.
Really bad, Cath.
Okey-doke.
- (Knock on door)
- Come in.
Hiya.
I wondered if we could just
have a little chat, Bruce.
About the birds and erm...and the bees.
- About owls and stuff?
- Hm...
Cos you know, Bruce, when erm...
when animals love each other very much,
they like to...make whoopee.
Oh, a whoopee cushion?
Not quite as noisy as a... Well, it...
When animals get...excited,
they need to pop that excitement in a...
The thing is, Bruce, you know, we're all animals.
Am I an animal?
I hope not.
(Arno and Sue moaning)
(Jill screams )
Jill...
Jillian! Jillian!
Jill...
I'm sorry.
I'm so parched, Sue.
I did tell her I was thirsty.
Could I just have a sip of water
or a cup of cold tea or something?
- Jill needs a drink of tea.
- Yes? A cup of tea? Fine.
OK. There is erm... There is a basin there, Jill,
you know, if you need water.
Cathy, I can't even sit up.
I'm so sorry, Cath.
Maybe I should just hang myself.
Jill, please! I'll...get you a cup of tea.
Or a cappuccino if you have one, Cath.
Yes, that's...a bit tricky.
Baby likes a cappuccino.
- Is there a...a Starbucks nearby, Cath?
- Jill, the nearest one is Exeter.
Right.
C-C-C-Cathy.
Yes, Jill.
Could baby have a biscuit?
Righto.
Oh, bless you, Cathy. Cathy!
- Yes! Yes, Jill, yes, yes.
- Cathy!
Yes, Jill.
Twix'd be nice. For dipping.
(Rats squealing)
(Toilet flushes )
I don't think Cathy believes me, Vicar Arno.
She just needs to be sure, Jill.
Please. Think back.
Have you had any other...sexual relations?
I did suck off my cousin once.
Yeah, but any other?
Bless you, Vicar Arno.
I know I look very young but there have been...
one or two others.
Mm. OK.
- But Arno, Bruce was like a...
- OK.
Easy now.
Cath's just...so full of hate.
Lovely cup of tea.
Bless you, Cathy.
- I can't.
- Oh.
The potty's virtually bubbling over.
Right. Jill erm...do you think you could
keep the potty just for number ones?
I would, Cathy, but...
when baby decides it's time to go, baby goes.
Yes, but it's not really baby though, is it?
It's... It's you.
Baby makes a sizeable contribution, Cathy.
OK. Right, well, I'll empty it just this once.
Oh, Jill...
When I asked you to keep it covered over,
I really didn't mean with my angora jumper.
Sorry, Cathy.
I thought they were all looking at me.
- Right.
- Oh, Cath...
- Yes?
- Could you be quite quick, please?
I think there may be
another one or two on the way.
Right. Well, should I just wait?
You're welcome if you want to watch, everybody.
Oh, I... Right.
Erm...when you're in bed
and you've got this huge bump,
do you...I mean...
I don't know. Do you hold onto
the bed head or...or Don?
- When you turn over?
- Oh!
Erm...I just lie on my back usually.
Oh.
Sorry to disturb you all.
Please just ignore me.
Sorry, Arno.
It's all right.
- You feeling any better, Jill?
- No.
Much worse. Much worse.
Jill, erm...
I can't help noticing that erm...
you look much bigger than you did an hour ago.
- I'm sorry, Arno.
- That's all right.
I hope he's not Satan.
Jill!
Are you... Are you hungry, Jill?
I'm starving, Don.
Just help yourself.
- I can't swallow, Cath.
- Oh, dear.
Please, not again, Cathy.
- What?
- Please don't strike me again, Cathy.
Jill, I...
It's not the first time, Sue.
Jill! Jill!
Oh, I didn't!
I mean, obvious...
- I can't be your whipping boy forever, Cath.
- Oh, Jill! For...
I'm sorry, Jill.
Sometimes...
Sometimes I just...
I just wish you were...
(Screams )
..nicer.
(Sobs )
Ahem. Are there, erm...
any more potatoes, Cath?
I'll go and have a look, Sue.
(Screams )
Jill, is there anything we can get you?
Just my Last Rites, Arno.
Not that I ever really had any.
And maybe some...presents, Sue?
Even something big and extravagant.
I can't take it with me.
Cathy.
Cathy, is that you?
Yes, Jill, I'm here.
I hear you, Cathy.
- Jill. Jill. Jill, I'm here.
- Oh, Cathy.
Oh, Cathy.
- Cathy.
- Yes.
Before I slip away,
I just wanted to say...
that...
(High-pitched gurgle )
Jill! Oh, God, Jill! Jill!
Oh, God! Jill! Jill!
- Oh, Cath. Oh, Cathy.
- Yes. Yes, I'm here, Jill.
I thought you'd gone.
- Cathy, I really need to tell you something.
- Yes, Jill?
In my life, I have told nobody this.
I...
Oh, Jill!
- Jill. Jill!
- Oh!
Yes, Jill!
Cath, did you ever see that thing about...
Oh, Jill!
Jill, please! Jill!
Oh, God! Jill! Jill!
Jill! Come on, Jill.
Jill! Wake up! Jill!
- Jill!
- (Screams )
Oh, Cathy. Oh, Cathy.
- I thought I'd gone.
- Yes.
I saw... I saw everyone.
I saw Mary.
As in Virgin, not Quant.
I saw Jesus, smiling like a puppy.
I saw Terry. Gordon.
He says hello. Looked very well, Sue.
Really good.
Thick, curly hair now.
Oh. I saw...I think it was your mum, Cathy.
Tiny lady with glasses.
No, she was a large lady. No glasses.
- Fat?
- No, just Junoesque, really.
- And still alive, actually.
- She looked good. Very...
It was Lady Diana.
The Queen of Hearts!
Yes, she's shrunk a bit now.
And she needs glasses. Those thick pebble ones.
But she had a little crown on,
and a pretty dress made of flowers.
She said, ''Jill, I love you.
''You are the best person that ever lived.
''You must live on in hope.
''Take my mantle as the Queen of Hearts
and spread light through the world.
''You shall bring into this world your own child.
''And you must live and bring it up.
''You, Jill, shall spread joy.''
( # Spear Of Destiny.. Never Take Me Alive )
# They'll never take me alive
♪ They'll never take me alive... ♪
I know it's too late, Sue,
but did you ever want children?
Yes, but God never blessed me
in that department.
No. Where did he bless you, Sue?
Well...Sue's got pretty hair.
- And, um...
- Pretty chest.
Praise be.
(Giggles )
I, erm...had my scan today, Don.
Hm?
Oh.
Gimme some. Lovely. Thank you.
Drinking when pregnant.
It really isn't advisable, you know.
Usually not.
But erm...my problem is
I have to keep the size of the foetus down.
The thing is, Arno,
I've got a very, very narrow canal.
Now, obviously on the way in, that's lovely.
On the way out, I can't really cope with
anything bigger than a turnip.
Anyway...
So, erm...
I saw baby's heart today.
- Oh, how exciting!
- Good.
- And her little thumb in her mouth.
- Aw! How special!
Good practice for her, Cathy.
Mm. Actually, Don,
I got my scan pictures today.
Oh, right. Sorry.
Selfish.
(Jill) I know. It's OK, Cath.
Before I show you I must tell you...
The doctor said so...
I had the most attractive womb
he had ever seen.
Apparently it's like a supermodel's womb.
Almost identical to Naomi Campbell's,
but not black.
Anyway...
There is baby's eye.
That's very...big, isn't it?
Big eyes are attractive, Cath.
Maybe not just one.
That's the baby's head, Jill.
The scan was a very emotional time, Don.
We're hoping babies have their eyes just hidden
round the other side of the head there.
- It's just obscured by a lock of hair.
- Hair?
Yeah, doctor has said he saw hair in the womb.
There is evidence of hair.
- Gosh, that's very unusual.
- We're very virile.
Doctor says I'll just hopefully cough up that
in the form of a hairball at some point.
Right.
So the only problem is, um...
is the hair actually extends down
the entire range of the spinal column.
Erm...
Now...that could result in a sceranio whereby
the child is born in the form of a monkey.
And that would be so damaging
to my self-esteem.
- I would think about adoption.
- Yes.
Jill...
I know. I've been assured
they can wean him off it once he's born.
They do it with the heroin people,
don't they, and all the different drugs.
My only worry is the ageing effect of smoking.
But at the end of the day, Sue,
I actually prefer them when they're older,
cos the little babies are just useless.
(Giggles )
Jill, could you pass the pepper, please?
Sorry, Cathy, no.
It's too heavy for me, Cathy.
Oh.
Don?
Don.
Don. Pepper.
Oh.
- You OK, Jill?
- I'm fine, Sue.
Please ignore me.
- It was a triumph.
- Thank you. Thanks.
- Oh, dear! Oh!
- Oh, God.
Sorry, Cath.
I...I hope it was nothing wrong with the trout.
- It was a bit tough.
- Oh, dear.
Trout's a hard one to get right, Cath.
I'm pregnant, Sue.
Oh!
I was raped.
Oh, dear.
By Bruce.
So, Jill, when did this happen...with Bruce?
Many, many times, Sue.
He even entered my anus, Arno.
Oh, Jill, he's a 12-year-old boy! This is...
- I've got video evidence, Cath.
- I'd like to see it.
Tape's in the player, Sue.
Jill, I'd like you to have a DNA test.
Deform my unborn foetus?
I'm sure Cath would wait until it's born.
- Then deform it?
- Oh!
(Jaqcues ) Hm... Your jug seems
kind of full today.
What's eating you?
Well, the accusation that my son is a rapist.
Well, hey...
We've all been kind of forceful at times.
He's 12 years old!
12.
13.
21.
42.
Seven.
Zero.
Six.
100.
Two.
18.
2,000.
30.
Five.
These are just numbers.
Yes.
Four.
11.
- 60.
- Please!
Sorry.
Catherine, I'd...
I'd like you to hold the anger ball.
Now...
Bruce is a sexual being.
Most young men have been
pleasuring the lingam since toddlehood.
- I'm sure you've had fun with your yoni.
- I've never...
You must remember Floella's background.
She was brought up in a tribe.
She was not brought up in a...tribe!
Catherine, I'd like to move over to the rage rug.
OK. Now.
Let it go. Just...really let it fly.
I think life is pretty bloomin' smelly!
Jill, he's a 12-year-old boy.
Cathy, he's been making sperm
since the day he was born.
- He's probably cooking up a little pot now.
- He's at Cubs, Jill.
Cath! Jill, are you absolutely sure
you had no part in this?
I'm absolutely certain, Sue.
I was like a useless rag doll.
- Why?
- I was tired.
- Oh.
- A little bit flattered.
Bruce is ever so handsome.
And certainly more so than Don.
Don's aged really quite badly.
Look, Jill, there are...alternatives.
Don's thinking of a...a facelift?
No! I'm talking about a termination!
(Gasps )
(Sobbing) Oh, Cath!
(Sighs ) I'm just trying to do the right thing!
One must always ask,
what would Jesus do in this situation, Catherine?
Hm...
Bless you, Cath.
Sorry to be such a burden.
- I wish I was dead.
- Don't be silly, Jill.
- Now, can I get you anything?
- No.
Get on with your life, Cath.
Erm...are you...all right? Are you in any pain?
Absolutely riddled.
Really bad, Cath.
Okey-doke.
- (Knock on door)
- Come in.
Hiya.
I wondered if we could just
have a little chat, Bruce.
About the birds and erm...and the bees.
- About owls and stuff?
- Hm...
Cos you know, Bruce, when erm...
when animals love each other very much,
they like to...make whoopee.
Oh, a whoopee cushion?
Not quite as noisy as a... Well, it...
When animals get...excited,
they need to pop that excitement in a...
The thing is, Bruce, you know, we're all animals.
Am I an animal?
I hope not.
(Arno and Sue moaning)
(Jill screams )
Jill...
Jillian! Jillian!
Jill...
I'm sorry.
I'm so parched, Sue.
I did tell her I was thirsty.
Could I just have a sip of water
or a cup of cold tea or something?
- Jill needs a drink of tea.
- Yes? A cup of tea? Fine.
OK. There is erm... There is a basin there, Jill,
you know, if you need water.
Cathy, I can't even sit up.
I'm so sorry, Cath.
Maybe I should just hang myself.
Jill, please! I'll...get you a cup of tea.
Or a cappuccino if you have one, Cath.
Yes, that's...a bit tricky.
Baby likes a cappuccino.
- Is there a...a Starbucks nearby, Cath?
- Jill, the nearest one is Exeter.
Right.
C-C-C-Cathy.
Yes, Jill.
Could baby have a biscuit?
Righto.
Oh, bless you, Cathy. Cathy!
- Yes! Yes, Jill, yes, yes.
- Cathy!
Yes, Jill.
Twix'd be nice. For dipping.
(Rats squealing)
(Toilet flushes )
I don't think Cathy believes me, Vicar Arno.
She just needs to be sure, Jill.
Please. Think back.
Have you had any other...sexual relations?
I did suck off my cousin once.
Yeah, but any other?
Bless you, Vicar Arno.
I know I look very young but there have been...
one or two others.
Mm. OK.
- But Arno, Bruce was like a...
- OK.
Easy now.
Cath's just...so full of hate.
Lovely cup of tea.
Bless you, Cathy.
- I can't.
- Oh.
The potty's virtually bubbling over.
Right. Jill erm...do you think you could
keep the potty just for number ones?
I would, Cathy, but...
when baby decides it's time to go, baby goes.
Yes, but it's not really baby though, is it?
It's... It's you.
Baby makes a sizeable contribution, Cathy.
OK. Right, well, I'll empty it just this once.
Oh, Jill...
When I asked you to keep it covered over,
I really didn't mean with my angora jumper.
Sorry, Cathy.
I thought they were all looking at me.
- Right.
- Oh, Cath...
- Yes?
- Could you be quite quick, please?
I think there may be
another one or two on the way.
Right. Well, should I just wait?
You're welcome if you want to watch, everybody.
Oh, I... Right.
Erm...when you're in bed
and you've got this huge bump,
do you...I mean...
I don't know. Do you hold onto
the bed head or...or Don?
- When you turn over?
- Oh!
Erm...I just lie on my back usually.
Oh.
Sorry to disturb you all.
Please just ignore me.
Sorry, Arno.
It's all right.
- You feeling any better, Jill?
- No.
Much worse. Much worse.
Jill, erm...
I can't help noticing that erm...
you look much bigger than you did an hour ago.
- I'm sorry, Arno.
- That's all right.
I hope he's not Satan.
Jill!
Are you... Are you hungry, Jill?
I'm starving, Don.
Just help yourself.
- I can't swallow, Cath.
- Oh, dear.
Please, not again, Cathy.
- What?
- Please don't strike me again, Cathy.
Jill, I...
It's not the first time, Sue.
Jill! Jill!
Oh, I didn't!
I mean, obvious...
- I can't be your whipping boy forever, Cath.
- Oh, Jill! For...
I'm sorry, Jill.
Sometimes...
Sometimes I just...
I just wish you were...
(Screams )
..nicer.
(Sobs )
Ahem. Are there, erm...
any more potatoes, Cath?
I'll go and have a look, Sue.
(Screams )
Jill, is there anything we can get you?
Just my Last Rites, Arno.
Not that I ever really had any.
And maybe some...presents, Sue?
Even something big and extravagant.
I can't take it with me.
Cathy.
Cathy, is that you?
Yes, Jill, I'm here.
I hear you, Cathy.
- Jill. Jill. Jill, I'm here.
- Oh, Cathy.
Oh, Cathy.
- Cathy.
- Yes.
Before I slip away,
I just wanted to say...
that...
(High-pitched gurgle )
Jill! Oh, God, Jill! Jill!
Oh, God! Jill! Jill!
- Oh, Cath. Oh, Cathy.
- Yes. Yes, I'm here, Jill.
I thought you'd gone.
- Cathy, I really need to tell you something.
- Yes, Jill?
In my life, I have told nobody this.
I...
Oh, Jill!
- Jill. Jill!
- Oh!
Yes, Jill!
Cath, did you ever see that thing about...
Oh, Jill!
Jill, please! Jill!
Oh, God! Jill! Jill!
Jill! Come on, Jill.
Jill! Wake up! Jill!
- Jill!
- (Screams )
Oh, Cathy. Oh, Cathy.
- I thought I'd gone.
- Yes.
I saw... I saw everyone.
I saw Mary.
As in Virgin, not Quant.
I saw Jesus, smiling like a puppy.
I saw Terry. Gordon.
He says hello. Looked very well, Sue.
Really good.
Thick, curly hair now.
Oh. I saw...I think it was your mum, Cathy.
Tiny lady with glasses.
No, she was a large lady. No glasses.
- Fat?
- No, just Junoesque, really.
- And still alive, actually.
- She looked good. Very...
It was Lady Diana.
The Queen of Hearts!
Yes, she's shrunk a bit now.
And she needs glasses. Those thick pebble ones.
But she had a little crown on,
and a pretty dress made of flowers.
She said, ''Jill, I love you.
''You are the best person that ever lived.
''You must live on in hope.
''Take my mantle as the Queen of Hearts
and spread light through the world.
''You shall bring into this world your own child.
''And you must live and bring it up.
''You, Jill, shall spread joy.''
( # Spear Of Destiny.. Never Take Me Alive )
# They'll never take me alive
♪ They'll never take me alive... ♪
I know it's too late, Sue,
but did you ever want children?
Yes, but God never blessed me
in that department.
No. Where did he bless you, Sue?
Well...Sue's got pretty hair.
- And, um...
- Pretty chest.
Praise be.
(Giggles )
I, erm...had my scan today, Don.
Hm?
Oh.
Gimme some. Lovely. Thank you.
Drinking when pregnant.
It really isn't advisable, you know.
Usually not.
But erm...my problem is
I have to keep the size of the foetus down.
The thing is, Arno,
I've got a very, very narrow canal.
Now, obviously on the way in, that's lovely.
On the way out, I can't really cope with
anything bigger than a turnip.
Anyway...
So, erm...
I saw baby's heart today.
- Oh, how exciting!
- Good.
- And her little thumb in her mouth.
- Aw! How special!
Good practice for her, Cathy.
Mm. Actually, Don,
I got my scan pictures today.
Oh, right. Sorry.
Selfish.
(Jill) I know. It's OK, Cath.
Before I show you I must tell you...
The doctor said so...
I had the most attractive womb
he had ever seen.
Apparently it's like a supermodel's womb.
Almost identical to Naomi Campbell's,
but not black.
Anyway...
There is baby's eye.
That's very...big, isn't it?
Big eyes are attractive, Cath.
Maybe not just one.
That's the baby's head, Jill.
The scan was a very emotional time, Don.
We're hoping babies have their eyes just hidden
round the other side of the head there.
- It's just obscured by a lock of hair.
- Hair?
Yeah, doctor has said he saw hair in the womb.
There is evidence of hair.
- Gosh, that's very unusual.
- We're very virile.
Doctor says I'll just hopefully cough up that
in the form of a hairball at some point.
Right.
So the only problem is, um...
is the hair actually extends down
the entire range of the spinal column.
Erm...
Now...that could result in a sceranio whereby
the child is born in the form of a monkey.
And that would be so damaging
to my self-esteem.
- I would think about adoption.
- Yes.
Jill...
I know. I've been assured
they can wean him off it once he's born.
They do it with the heroin people,
don't they, and all the different drugs.
My only worry is the ageing effect of smoking.
But at the end of the day, Sue,
I actually prefer them when they're older,
cos the little babies are just useless.