Night Court (2023–…): Season 1, Episode 9 - Two Peas on a Pod - full transcript

Next up, the People
v. John Gorman.

Mr. Gorman is charged
with larceny theft

for a purse snatching.

Uh, Your Honor, this
alleged crime is so quaint,

it's actually charming.

It's an homage to
a simpler time,

when people had the decency
to rob you to your face,

when a street urchin could pick
your pocket and warm your heart,

often within the same song.

Objection. Hot nonsense.

Sustained.



The State has a
witness, Your Honor.

Would you mind describing
what you saw, please?

It's a crisp autumn day.

A blur of a man races
by a street vendor

selling daffodils.

Behind me, a cry
rings out... "My bag!

He stole my bag!"

The city feels nothing.

Would the counsel please
approach the bench?

Permission to treat the
witness like a nut bar?

- Don't you know who that is?
- Mm?

That's Remecca Monte-Pulciano.

She hosts this
podcast that I love,

"The Social Archaeologist."



I'm not a fan of podcasts.

I'm an audiobook gal.

I'm in the middle of
Matthew McConaughey's.

Tomorrow, I'm gonna
hit you with an...

"All
rise, all rise, all rise."

This one focuses
on everyday people

and digs deep into what
makes them inspirational.

I'm almost positive it's her.

There's only one
way to find out.

Would the witness
please say the phrase,

"Here is your
Wisdom-Out Wednesday"?

Here is your
Wisdom-Out Wednesday.

Oh-ho! It is her!

I finally got to see her
mouth move while she says it.

Now that we've achieved all
our dreams, only death awaits.

Wait, where's the defendant?

And where's my purse?

Oh, did anyone
see what happened?

There was an echo of worn soles

on cracked linoleum,

and then a flash of
fake Hermès orange.

And for no reason at
all, shade was thrown.

And speak your truth

after the beep.

Oh! That was amazing.

Now I'm even more excited
for my dental appointment

to get confirmed tomorrow.

But actually, there is another
reason I asked you to stay.

The truth is, I do have
an idea for your podcast.

It's about this court and our
empathetic approach to justice.

And look who happens to be here.

The dedicated heroes
who make it happen.

When I'm being ambushed,
I expect pastries.

Well, as an archaeologist, I
always have my fossil brush

and my pickaxe, so I
might as well stick around

and see what's under
this pile of dirt.

Hear that, guys?

We're gonna get
brushed and picked.

Hi. I'm Neil.

You know, I've thought about
doing a podcast myself.

It's called "The Neil World,"

where I stop being polite
and start being Neil.

And what precisely
is "being Neil"?

It's being polite and
constantly asking me

if he should get an earring.

Olivia Moore, assistant
district attorney.

You know, I think having me

on your podcast could
build both our brands.

- Is that right?
- Mm-hmm.

From the time I
was a little girl,

I knew that a career in law

would fit me like
a pair of MeUndies.

They sure changed my life.

Thanks, MeUndies.

So, there's that.

Um, and then someone
who would offer you

a shorter introduction.

Dan Fielding.

- No.
- Ha-ha!

That's my guy.

Dan actually used to be the
prosecutor at this very court,

and then he came
out of retirement

to be our public defender.

Now, there's a journey
I'd like to excavate.

That's her tagline.

Hear that, Dan?
You're tagline-worthy.

She want to dig a
hole in a journey?

The hell sense that make?

No offense, but podcasts for
me fall under the same category

as energy drinks, reality TV,

and something
called "Guy Fieri."

Why?

Some people just
don't like the idea

of spending two
uninterrupted hours

talking about themselves
to an audience of millions.

Well, don't lump me
in with those idiots.

I'd be happy to
offer my services.

Oh. Right.

So, you'd just use Dan
as, like, an appetizer

to get into the bigger
night court story?

Abby, the lady
just ordered steak.

Don't try to sell
her a used Datsun.

So, we're all just
mixing metaphors now?

I mean, what are
we even doing here?

Is Dan Fielding's rise
from humble beginnings

to the top of the bottom
of the judicial system

one of our generation's
most remarkable feats?

It is not for me to say.

But it is my pleasure to repeat.

Perhaps we should just
focus on your transition

to public defender.

We'll get to that.

It was William Jennings Bryan

who said that service is a
measure of a man's greatness.

I think that a man's
greatness is decided

by how many awards he gets.

And mine range from runner-up
in the city council election

all the way back
to my eighth grade

state spelling bee championship

honorable mention.

Actually, uh, can
we talk about that?

Yes, yes.

And therein began
a lifelong disdain

for the silent "G."

No, no, no, no.

Uh, I'm talking about
your run for city council.

Now, according to my research,
you ran as an independent,

and your opponent was a "D"?

For Democrat?

D...

ceased.

Yes, I lost to a dead
man.

But I was the highest
living vote-getter,

and I seriously believe
I would have won

had I handed out
20s instead of 10s.

You were trying to
buy people's votes?

You have to really
understand the time.

It was New York in the '80s.

It was very, very difficult
to get people out to vote.

There were... There
were other things to do.

Like cocaine.

And Pac-Man had just come out,

and that was the perfect
surface to do cocaine off of.

Still, sounds to
me like a crime.

Yeah, no, no.

You have to understand
the context.

I'm listening.

Oh, no.

Did I swallow a "g-nat"?

Oh, also, did I... I'm not Dan!

No, no, no.

I'm his... I'm his
brother, August.

I'll go get him.
I'll just go get him.

Stay right there.
Keep rolling.

It's okay.

Oh, Dan, good.

I need your opinion
on something.

I've been listening to my voice,

and is this really
what I sound like?

Four
score and seven years ago,

our forefathers brought
forth on this continent...

Right, I think you're
playing it at double the...

No, that's exactly what
you sound like in my head.

Why are you listening
to yourself?

Well, after your interview,

Remecca reached out
to me to do one.

I'm so excited.

No, no. Listen to me.

You can't do the interview.

As a matter of fact,
you have to bar

that podcast crew
from the courthouse.

Why would I do that?

When I was listing my
many accomplishments,

I may have implicated myself in
just a smidge of malfeasance.

I started talking
about cocaine a lot.

Now Remecca's out
to take me down.

Maybe if you talked
about the court

instead of being so selfish,
you wouldn't be in trouble.

But you need the
whole world to know

about that spelling
bee, don't you?

It's an origin story.

Well, I'm gonna go in there

and talk about the
work we're doing here,

and maybe it will inspire other
courts to follow our example.

I'm not gonna lose that chance
just because you biffed it.

I'm telling you, it's a trap.

She tricked me... Dan.

Dan!

You're not gonna change my mind.

Yeah, alright, fine, fine, yeah.

But when it doesn't work,
just be ready to hear

the five words that
everyone dreads...

"I told you so."

- That's four words.
- Well, I'm counting

the raucous laughter
before I say it

as a word.

Matter of fact, I'm gonna
start practicing it now.

Ha!

Ha-wah-hah!

I...

No, wait. Hee-hee!

I cracked the case,
and now I'll crack

the most up-to-date
point spreads,

with Offshore Bet Boys.

It's not gambling when
they're stone-cold locks.

I've never seen someone so
thirsty to get on a podcast.

And I have several friends
whose spouses went missing

after joining a cult.

It's all part of
my media strategy.

First step, podcasts.

Second step, TikTok
legal influencer.

Third step, Whoopi yells
at the wrong Uber driver,

and bingo, mama's batting
cleanup on "The View."

But I can't get Remecca
to even look at me.

- I feel like Neil.
- Hey!

- Whoa!
- Don't sneak up on people!

I've been trying to get
Remecca's attention, too.

The problem is she
is all-in on Dan.

Don't take this the wrong way,

but you all are boring.

You need to sell the drama.

May I suggest...

a forbidden office romance?

With me and him?

No.

Look, podcasts are for lonely
people who don't like music.

But you know what
lonely people do like?

I feel like I should know this.

Murder and romance, and
since you've made it clear

on multiple occasions that
you're a stick in the mud

when it comes to
murder, I'd go with...

secret work love!

Did you see that?

That's the first time
she's looked at me.

That's it. Neil, we're
in a relationship.

"Pretty Woman" rules.

No kissing, and it'll
be mostly me hanging out

with Hector Elizondo.

That is very funny.

I am laughing.

And please, let Donatello
know that I will be bringing

the haricots verts to
Sunday's dish-to-pass.

Ah!

You're from
Skaneateles, aren't you?

- How did you...
- That's where I'm from.

It's the only place I've
ever heard it called

a "dish-to-pass."

Everywhere else, they
call it a potluck.

I mean, like a damn leprechaun

supremed all those oranges
for that citrus salad?

"Luck," my butt.

- So, shall we start?
- Sure, sure.

Hi. I'm Abby.

- Would you like to take a seat?
- No, no, no, no.

Just pretend like
he's not even there.

This is just a conversation.

Why don't we begin
with, how have you found

working with Dan Fielding?

I have no regrets about
bringing Dan to this court.

My father always said there
was no one he respected more,

and you know, I feel
like we're missing

- a bigger story here...
- So, y-you found Mr. Fielding

through a good ol' boy network?

There's more to it than that.

Because it sounds like
you manipulated the system

to help out one of your
father's old buddies.

Are these chairs
getting smaller?

It is hot out in here.

Gah!

- What's this?
- It's everything you need

to know about our
fake relationship.

What? If we're gonna
make this work,

we need to make it seem
as real as possible.

Good thinking, babe.

You will immediately
see on page one that

we are not a "babe" couple.

You'll find approved
nicknames on page three.

These are just our names.

Yeah. I came up with those.

Feel free to add whatever
your last name is.

Alright, well, there's
a lot in here covering

how I'm supposed to feel about
everyone on "Vanderpump Rules,"

but nothing about where
we are emotionally.

Like, how serious are we?

Where is this
relationship going?

Where is this coming from?

Well, if I'm gonna be
your fake boyfriend...

Boyfriend? Whoa!
Okay.

Save those labels for
the runway, mister.

Ha!

Next, you're gonna tell
me you're pregnant.

Guess what? You are
raising that baby alone.

Dan, I messed up.
I messed up bad.

The interview backfired.

I sorta let it slip

that I may have shortcut a
few rules when I hired you,

and now Remecca wants
to take me down, too.

What happened?

You mess things up
with the podcast lady?

- Yeah.
- How bad is it?

Well, I pulled out an,
"It was a different time."

Okay.

- So, we're in some trouble.
- Why is that bad?

Three phrases you don't use
in problematic situations...

"It was a different time."

"I meant it as a joke".

And "I know it's not
okay to say, but..."

Just don't say it!

I can't believe they don't teach
that in white people school.

To be fair, there's not
really an official white...

Dartmouth.

Okay, look, I'm just
gonna talk to Remecca.

I mean, I'm sure if I
just sit down with her,

one Skaneatelan to another,
we can sort this out.

I mean, we grew up
playing in the same parks.

I'm sure she even has a theory

on what happened
to Billy Muggins.

You know, maybe Abby
can convince her.

Yeah, no, no. I
got a better idea.

I got three better ideas.

It can't involve wigs.

Okay, we'll go with yours.

Come on.

Wow.

Well, I just hope this
thing is still down here.

And listen, remember, Abby
cannot know what we're doing.

She needs plausible deniability.

I get it. Everybody
needs a cover story.

That's why I keep a
cardboard cutout of me waving

in that bowling alley bathroom.

"Where was Gurgs the
night in question?"

"She was in that bowling alley
bathroom being super friendly."

Oh, you know what? I think...

Uh-huh. Yeah!

This is it!

I don't get it. How is
some old metal detector

gonna solve things
with the podcast lady?

This is not just some
old metal detector.

We called it "Meg Ryan,"
'cause prolonged exposure

was known to melt
people's hearts.

More importantly for us, though,
the magnets in this thing...

They'll fry any electrical
equipment it comes near.

It'll just erase everything.

Brilliant, huh?

This is where I keep my spare.

Alright, I am all set
for my chat with Remecca.

I imported loganberry
pop, some white hots,

all of the finest
Skaneateles delicacies.

White hot dogs?

"Delicacy" may not
be the right word.

"Food" may not be
the right word.

What is that, and why is
it making my teeth hurt?

Oh, just some extra security.

I know upstate you just throw
some tacks on the floor,

but here in the big
city, we wear shoes.

Is that warning in Russian?

- Oh, no...
- Nyet!

I knew something was weird.

- What is going on?
- It was Dan's idea.

I was in the bowling
alley bathroom.

Alright, look, the only way
to fix this is to get her

to walk through that machine

and erase everything
that she has on us.

There's no way
that thing is safe.

It is definitely safe.

And I remind you, I
am not under oath.

Why are you so annoyed?

All I asked is if
you were mad at me.

Oh, you prob... Mm.

Neil, sometimes my mood
has nothing to do with you.

Oh, you were
driving me so crazy,

I left my bag in the
cafeteria.

Actually, I have
your bag right here,

because I think about you.

Oh, my hero.

I'd be so lost without you.

Oh, there it is. Your sarcasm.

The third wheel in
this relationship.

Ha! Hate to break it to you,

but you're the
third wheel, babe!

Oh, so I guess we
are a "babe" couple.

We are not a couple, Neil!

For the love of God,
don't stand right there!

We are through.

I am done being fenced in

like your... your love veal.

I am free-range, buster!

Why is my iced coffee so hot?

Wait!

- What was that about?
- I don't know.

But we have to keep them calm.

They're Hulks now.

Wait. Whoa, no. Wait,
where are you going?

You can't go. We
need you as bait.

No, bait... Wrong
word. Bad word.

Not bait, but...

No, bait's the right word.

I wanted to kill
Remecca with kindness,

not Cold War radiation.

My Uncle Ray-Ray was
killed with kindness.

It's a rough way to go.

What...?

Oh, don't mind me.

Go back to your plan
to stifle free speech.

A plan that would
have worked better...

in a room with one door.

Okay, Remecca, I
know this looks bad.

Your podcast is about inspiring
people, and if you tear us down,

I really think you're
gonna regret this.

I regret nothing.

- I'm sorry?
- They don't call it pod-friends.

They call it pod-business.

Do they call it either?

Hey, Remecca...

one very important thing you're
missing for this episode.

A tell-all interview.

I'll come clean about
everything, under one condition.

You leave Abby out of it.

And you get us all
giant mattresses

that somehow come in tiny boxes.

You have a deal.

And so do you.

But FYI, you can't
put it back in the box

and watch it unfold again.

You can try, but it will
only end in madness.

Dan, I can't let you do that.

You would lose your job.

You know, when I
made that offer,

I-I didn't see a bright side.

Thank you for finding it.

Hey, I've been texting you.

Yeah, it's weird... My
phone isn't working.

All my credit cards are erased,

and when I pick up
spoons, they do this now.

So, we don't really make
the best fake couple, huh?

Scary thing is, this
was actually one of

my healthier relationships.

I might have some real
commitment issues.

You know, I have been
watching the two of you,

and you're an
absolute trainwreck.

You would be perfect for
my new dating podcast,

"Absolute Trainwreck."

Actually, we're not...

Gonna pass up on an opportunity
like this, right, babe?

But there's one condition.

You can't run that story on Dan.

No.

Eh, guess we're not
all gonna be heroes.

Well, I guess that episode of
the podcast will be on soon.

The end of the illustrious
career of Dan Fielding.

We still have time to fix this.

We just have to break the
Internet, in one minute.

Does this muffin look
anything like Jesus?

Remecca was canceled!

She lost all her sponsors,

and her platforms
dropped the podcast.

- What? What happened?
- Someone excavated her

and found out she used to be
a crazy sketchy shock jock

on a radio station upstate.

This is Becky Molson
for Reject Radio,

and I regret nothing.

It's Whirl 'Em Out
Wednesday, boys,

so unwrap your package
and whirl those balls!

Ooh!

That's one for the Stank Bank.

You forget how much culture
there is outside of the cities.

- I guess it got out.
- You knew?

When Remecca said,
"I regret nothing,"

I thought it sounded familiar,
so I did some digging,

and turns out, she also has a
past that she's not proud of.

I thought I could use it to
convince her to go easy on Dan,

but she laughed me
out of the room.

Well, someone must
have leaked it.

I did.

Who are you?

Recognize me... now?

The microphone guy.

So, you took Remecca down?

Well, I was tired of
living in her shadow.

Sitting at home,
night after night,

removing her weird mouth sounds.

But you, Judge Stone,
you made me feel...

heard.

- What did you do?
- I don't know.

I-I asked him if he
wanted to sit down once.

The nerve of that guy.

You know, I-I took
a bullet for you.

The only reason to
help your fellow man

is to have them in your debt.

That is a currency
that never tanks.

Well, too bad.

You're not getting
out of here that easy.

One of these days, I'm gonna
work up the courage to hug you.

- Folks, I just got
back from France,

where I had "fart
blanche."

You know, I'll be the
first to say it...

She pretty good.