Night Court (2023–…): Season 1, Episode 7 - Train Court - full transcript

Alright, everybody,
it's court o'clock,

and you made it
during Abby Hour.

All decisions half-price.

- Judge, are you limping?
- A bit.

I got a little hit by a cab.

And somehow, the driver
got angrier than I did.

So still getting the
hang of New York, huh?

You know what they say...
You're not a real New Yorker

until you pay the guy
who just ran you over $45

to drive you to the hospital.

No, you're not a real New Yorker



until you buy a rattrap, a
hammer, and an egg sandwich

from a bodega at 1:00 a.m.

First up, the People
vs. Caroline Kratz.

The defendant is charged
with disorderly conduct

for bringing an uncontained
animal onto the subway.

Your Honor, there's
a very simple

and extremely legal
explanation for this.

It was a service animal.

It was a horse.

A mini-horse. Nay, a
seeing-eye mini-horse.

And according to
New York vs. Pongo,

mini-horses are allowed
on public transit.

Obviously, I got to
get a look at this guy.

Upstate, I used to guess horse
sizes at the county fair.



And that one is a "big."

Your Honor, um, I
call for a mistrial.

I've just learned that the
defendant and Ms. Moore

have an existing relationship.

They share a daily commute...

The 5:42 downtown six train
at Hunter College Station.

Slow down. I think we just blew
right past the big news here.

That the allegedly blind
defendant just recognized me?

Oh, no, no, no. She
didn't recognize you.

The horse did.

That's my daily commute, too.

Olivia, we're subway buddies.

Really? Well, that's crazy.

Can't believe we
haven't seen each other.

I've seen both of
you... A bunch of times.

Well, you're not helping.

You know what? We
just plead guilty.

How do you put up with her?

I just need a table for one.

Can't you squeeze
me in this weekend?

Oh, wait, wait. Did I say
that my name is Dan Fielding?

Uh, I meant, uh, it's

Dame Judi Dench.

Can't get a table
at a restaurant?

Ah, it's not just
any restaurant.

It's Chromosomme.

Oh! I heard about that place.

They use science to
design your perfect meal

based on a cheek
swab, a hair sample,

and a secret you swore
to take to the grave.

The only chance I have to get
in there is during the week,

but we're always
leaving here late.

I'm all in favor of
Abby's empathetic justice,

but not when it gets
between me and a risotto

that was genetically
engineered for my tongue.

Well, at least you're
not gonna have her

following you around
on the subway,

trying to make chitchat
with her big hick energy.

Yeah, the judge isn't
good on the subway.

I rode with her once.

She held the pole and then
touched her face so many times.

There's my twin sixter.

'Cause we both
take the six train.

- She gets it.
- Yeah, we got it.

And I watched you stand
outside in the hall

till you thought of it.

I'm so excited to spend
some more time together.

You could show me the ropes.
I'm still a "Newb Yorker."

Okay, that one I
can't take credit for.

Someone screamed it in my
face when I said "bless you"

after they sneezed on me.

I think I'm gonna have to
take the earlier train.

Yeah, sure. Or you know what?

You could move to Denver.

I bet you there are
probably lawyers there, too.

Oh, sorry.

People are animals.

Olivia! Hi.

Oh, good. You took
the early train, too.

I was worried we'd
miss each other

and our work and private
lives would stay separate.

Well, apparently, my
lease says my super

gets to shower in my
apartment on Tuesday nights,

so I like to give him his space.

Classic.

- So, are you, um...
- We probably shouldn't talk.

There's a serial
killer in the city

who targets women
who are friends.

No, they caught that guy.

I know 'cause he's my brother.

Oh. I like your earrings.

Keep it in your pants, perv.

What are you doing?
Don't talk to people.

Also, don't make eye contact.

Or offer anyone candy.

- Even on Halloween?
- You stay inside on Halloween!

I love this.

I'm getting an Olivia master
class on New York City.

Promo code... fuhgettaboutit.

Oh!

We're having a minor
technical issue.

Hang tight, everyone.

Well, that's bonus
subway buddy time.

So there's really no chance
your brother's on this train?

Okay, I talked to the driver,

and there's no update on
the maintenance issue.

Also no update on
the air-conditioning.

Here's a list of other
things there's no update on.

Here's an update...
You're not helpful,

and everyone can
see your nipples.

Things are getting tense.

Oh, you're not gonna
freak out, are you?

You should know, I
do not hold hands.

I'm okay. Everything's
gonna be fine.

Sure, we've been cut off
from the societal norms

that maintain order,

but we're bonded together by
something even stronger...

Innate human decency.

Stay back, you jackals.

It's my job to
deliver this food,

and the restaurant's
run by the mob.

There's nothing you can do to
me that they won't do worse.

Okay, when the rats come
for us... and they will...

I will sell out every
last one of you.

I'm sure the decency will
set in any minute now.

Nope. We're screwed.

Nothing's holding this together.

The norms are gone.
It's subterranean law.

Give me your bag.

What? I can't make a
shiv out of any of this!

Where's Olivia?

I don't have the time or
energy to learn new names.

You understand what
I mean, right, champ?

The six train broke down.

So Abby and Olivia
might not make it.

We had to find some
people to fill in.

All rise.

Manhattan Criminal Court
Part 2 is now in session.

The Honorable Murray
Flobert presiding.

Mmm-mmm-mmm!

That is some good
chicken noodle. Mmm!

Is it just me or does this
guy have a real, like,

substitute-teacher vibe?

Uh, just an FYI, I
have judge's elbow.

So I'm gonna be making the
gavel sound with my mouth.

You know, if we work together,
we might be able to get, uh,

old Judge Chicken Noodle
there to do whatever we want.

I may make it out in time to
go to Chromosomme after all.

And I can go to the
strip club at night,

when it's like a
strip club in a movie.

Not during the day, when
it's like a strip club

in a documentary.

Uh, excuse me. What's
the Wi-Fi here?

I need it to look up case files.

Also, does anyone have a
Netflix password I can borrow?

Also for case stuff.

Or we may not have to
do anything at all.

I better call Russ and tell him
to get the champagne room ready.

You see Russ, tell
him I said hi.

You do know I'm going to
a male strip club, right?

Yeah, I had a job before this.

Maybe you need something
else to focus on.

I have this great game
called "Crab Attack."

Oh, right, my phone's been
locked with ransomware

ever since I downloaded
"Crab Attack."

Don't act like
you're the calm one.

I'm the calm one.
I'm in control.

Unless control is an illusion.

I mean, I can't control
the subway breaking down

or that the universe
is constantly expanding

and I still can't afford
a one-bedroom in it!

Hey! What do you
think you're doing?

- That was my seat.
- Your seat?

I didn't realize I was on the
train with Princess Von Bench.

Whoa! Let's just not forget
our innate human decency.

Abby, stay out of this.

Well, someone's got
to do something.

- This place is coming apart.
- This is not court.

They don't have
to listen to you.

You're right.

It's not court.

But it could be. We
should have a trial.

I mean, this is just
a simple dispute.

We can figure this out together.

It'll give us something
else to think about.

You know, I'm actually a judge.

Does anyone else have
any legal experience?

I played a dead body
on "Law & Order."

We've all played a dead
body on "Law & Order."

You know, "Law & Order" is
the longest-running show

with an ampersand in the title.

Okay, okay. You
like saying things.

You can be the clerk.

And I'm getting some
real bailiff vibes

from the way you're
guarding that pizza.

Olivia, would you like
to be the counsel?

You could think of it as work.

Work is good. I
can control work.

Yeah, and you
could go up against

the greatest opponent of all.

The sun?

No. Yourself.

You could play both sides.

I'm in.

And so am I.

You know
I'm not gonna do a voice.

Oh, yes! I got a reservation!

I've only got one case left.

I can get there early
and laugh at people

who tested positive for salads.

You'll never guess
who's in the courthouse.

Olympic figure skaters
turned commentators

turned maybe murderers.

I don't know why they here.

Johnny Weir and Tara Lipinski.

They're witnesses
in the last case.

Apparently, a figure
skater hot-wired a Zamboni

and tried to smush
his competition.

Abby would have loved
meeting those two.

She's a huge figure-skating fan.

Oh! Maybe we can stall
until she gets here.

Stall? Are you crazy? I've
got a dinner reservation.

So your fancy dinner is more
important than your friend?

This is not just a dinner.

This is a meal that
Scientific American

called a "heinous
waste of stem cells."

Fine. I don't need you.

I can slow this
court down on my own.

Careful, Gurgs, you're
messing with powers

that you couldn't
possibly understand.

I have no idea what that
means, but I'll figure it out.

So we doing this case or not?

- Not if I can help it.
- Absolutely.

Don't make me choose a side.
You're both my friends.

- Not if I can help it.
- Absolutely.

Are we ready to begin?

Uh, yes, Your Honor, we are,

and there's nothing
anybody can do to stop us.

Uh-oh. This says
my wife called.

And it's an emergency.

Well, it always
is with that one.

Anyway, let's start.

Bang, bang!

So that's your great
stalling move, Gurgs?

You know, I expected
more from you.

What can I say, Dan?
I'm all out of moves.

Okay, Clerk, call the last case.

- Where's the clerk?
- Well, look at that.

I had more moves.

We don't need Neil.

He's just a sentient
clipboard anyway.

I can call the case.

I wish that were
true, Your Honor,

but it's like the
regular judge says,

"You can't work
without a clerk."

Well, that does rhyme.

You might as well
get comfortable, Dan.

You're gonna be here a while,

because I can assure you there's
no way you're finding Neil.

Hello, Neil.

Hiding a clerk in
women's holding...

The oldest trick in the book.

Don't call me Neil.

Linda says my name
is Sweets now.

This man bothering you, Sweets?

Would you please open
this door, let him out?

Come on, Sweets.

I can't. My legs are asleep.

Man, this meal
better be worth it.

Get up, get up, get up.

What... Hey!

I'm sorry.

Gurgs said if I didn't help her,

she'd tell everyone
where I do stand-up.

Well, that's more of a
threat to us than to you.

Well, well, well.

Looks like the Penn
has become the Teller.

You have gone too far.

You can't lock me in
here with Neil and...

these charming ladies.

Looks like it's
Linda's lucky day.

Sweets and Sour.

Uh, uh...

Six Train Downtown
Local is now in session.

The honorable judge
This Lady presiding.

Alright, let's "baguette" it on.

Your Honor, the defendant
brazenly stole this woman's seat

when she stood to stretch.

And we all know the rule...

If the butt's still
near, I'm a-sittin' here.

Don't be fooled by the
prosecution's big-city rhymes.

Yeah, I'll give it to her, she
is gorgeous and well-dressed.

But the facts are on my side.

I recall at the
time of the event,

I had a clear view of
the butt and the seat,

and there was separation.

But surely some amount of
separation is acceptable.

Maybe some separation,
but it's six inches, tops.

Ma'am, I'm gonna need to
commandeer your sandwich

in the name of justice.

It's more than six inches.

Objection! The sandwich
has a bite out of it.

I'll allow it.

Look, I'm not unreasonable.

I'd give up my seat to an
old lady or someone pregnant.

Interesting you'd say that.

What if I told you
Rita is pregnant?

That's right. I do have sex.

Let me ask you,

- what's the due date?
- They're always wrong.

- Gender?
- It's a post-gender society.

What'd you have for lunch today?

- Sushi and bologna.
- Gross!

But also, gotcha.

Pregnant women can't eat
either of those things.

Fine. I don't
actually have sex.

Happy now?

The jury has
returned the verdict.

And they have decided
that the pregnant one

and nipples should kiss.

You know what? I'll just rule.

On the charge of subway seat
theft, I find the defendant...

No. Stop the
train! Stop the...

We haven't heard
which one of me won!

You're in luck, Judge.

This court has the largest
active VHS collection

in the continental
United States.

And once Alaska falls,
we'll stand alone.

Oh, there are some
good flicks in here.

Now, where's the remote?

'Cause I like to fast-forward
through the scary parts.

- Looking for this?
- How did you get out?

I jimmied the lock with the
underwire from Linda's bra.

Well, I anticipated your escape,

and that's why I
scheduled a tornado drill

to start in 3, 2...

One thing you've
overlooked, Gurgs,

is I have powerful friends in
the Tornado Marshal's office,

and I rescheduled that
drill till your birthday,

just as they wheel out the cake.

Something you overlooked
is, last year,

I wished for no tornado
drills on my birthday.

But now you said
the wish out loud.

You monster.

I'll give it to you, Gurgs.
You know how this place works.

But nobody knows
it better than me.

Then you know there's a
water main behind that wall,

and if it were to somehow break,

the cleanup would be
quite time-consuming.

Where's the remote?

This is one of
those scary parts.

Gurgs, I'm not gonna
try and stop you,

because unlike the wife of
the man who built this place,

you love this building too
much to put an ax in its chest.

You win, Dan.
Enjoy your dinner.

I hope your scallops are
saltier than Abby's tears

when she hears she
missed a chance

at meeting ice-skating royalty.

There won't be any scallops.

I already know that
my personalized menu

will rely heavily on
an endangered species.

It's always been a dream of mine
to eat the last of something.

Hi. Dan Fielding.

I just want to say that I
have a great deal of respect

for Olympics athletes.

Your ability to work only once
every four years... incredible.

Now, this is a
man with presence.

It's like a daring
mix of stateliness

and "I couldn't
care less" energy

that is just so
exciting to watch.

Well, he's known as the
bad boy of the courtroom

- for a reason, T.
- Mm-hmm.

The passion, the
fire, the pageantry.

- You know, we live for pageantry.
- For pageantry.

Wow. Wonderful.

So may I ask what you two were
talking to our bailiff about?

She asked us to stick
around for her friend,

but, I mean, if we stayed
every time a bailiff

asked us to meet someone,

we'd never have time to form
this remarkable friendship.

Also, full disclosure, we
have an early breakfast

with Michelle Kwan
and Ewan McGregor.

Have
I said too much?

Ah, don't... No, don't worry.

We'll get you out
of here so fast

that you'll be
accused of cheating.

You know what I mean? Okay.

Hey, Gurgs, listen, I am sorry
that Abby is gonna not be here.

But, you know, meeting your
heroes isn't always great.

When I was 10, I met
my favorite astronaut,

and she screamed
and bit my hand.

But in the commander's defense,
she was a squirrel monkey.

I get that meeting a celebrity
might not be a big deal

for someone who's met some of
our nation's greatest monkeys.

But it's hard being new in town.

Your whole life, you hear
about how magical New York is,

and when you get here, it's just
scaffolding and weird puddles.

And when something magical
finally does happen,

like Macho Man Randy Savage
coming to your courtroom,

well, you miss it 'cause it's
the one day you took off work

and no one even
bothers to page you.

Your hero is Macho
Man Randy Savage?

Oh, yeah!

I-I just
wanted to look out for Abby

the way I wish someone
had looked out for me.

Last case... People
vs. Shawn Pierce.

I see here the defendant
is pleading no contest

to misdemeanor assault.

Based on the witness statements

provided by national treasures
Tara Lipinski and Johnny Weir...

Hey! I will let the defendant
off with a $100 fine.

- Case dis...
- Your Honor, the defense

would like to call a time-out.

But I was about to
make my gavel noise.

Whoa. Dan Fielding making
a bold and daring move.

No one was expecting this.

Let's listen in. Will
he stick this landing?

We're gonna be amending
our plea to not guilty

and calling a
bunch of witnesses,

so if anybody has a pre-paid and
pre-tipped dinner reservation,

well, they can
kiss that goodbye.

So for our first witness,
we'd like to call

man sucking milk out of the bag.

For your first time
getting stuck on a subway,

you handled it pretty well.

Honestly, it wasn't
that different

from when I was
trapped in a corn maze.

That scarecrow and I
had some good times.

Though I think, on some level,

we both knew what
we had was fleeting,

and that's what
made it so special.

Well, you definitely kept it
from getting ugly in there.

So you think this gets me closer

to being a real New Yorker?

Eh, who knows what a
real New Yorker even is?

All I know is, this
is a city of weirdos,

and your relentless positivity

makes you one of the
weirdest people I ever met.

Olivia, thank you.

You're gonna be just fine.

Fine enough to be
your subway buddy?

No.

You don't know the
defendant at all,

but your parents named
you Stefanie with an "F."

Why don't you take us all
down that road for a second.

I've heard enough.
Defense rests.

Hold on. I have a question.

Johnny, Tara, do you
think it's too late for me

to learn how to skate?

Abby, look who's here.

- Abby Stone?
- Tara, Johnny, hi!

Flawless entrance.

Nobody walks into a room
better than Abby Stone.

Wait a minute. You
know each other?

Of course. I see them
every year at Freezing Man.

It's like Burning Man
but for winter sports,

and instead of drugs, we're
high on ice pageantry.

So hold on a second.

You made me miss the
meal of a lifetime

so that Abby could meet
people she's already met?

For a conversation I overheard
her having with someone else,

I got pretty close.

Oh, we've got to go.

Some idiot gave up their
reservation at Chromosomme.

Ooh! Would you like to join
us for dinner, Your Honor?

Oh, hell yeah!

Bang, bang! Court
is adjourned.

Here. You can have
my chicken noodle.

Let's go, let's go. Excuse me.

I'm sorry you missed
your special dinner.

But as a friend, I think I know
you better than science, so...

Gurgs, hog's head cheese,

stewed chicken feet,
fried gizzards.

Oh!

It's a feast fit for a king.

These are all the
weird swamp delicacies

you grew up on in Louisiana.

You know what? I'd call
your description rude,

but my favorite
restaurant growing up

was called Swamp Delicacies.

Oh. It was very fancy.

You could pick your own
live gator from a tank.

Hey, guys, I just wanted
to say thank you so much

for stalling court for me.

It was... Yo, are
those gizzards?

- Yes!
- Let me in there!

Come on, sit down.

Feet for everybody. Ha-ha!

- Come on.
- Mnh-mnh.

I ain't... Ugh!

- City folk.
- City folk.