Night Court (2023–…): Season 1, Episode 13 - Past Apps - full transcript

-City of New York vs. John Ott.

Mr. Ott is charged with
drunk and disorderly conduct.

-Your Honor, the defendant
entered the Broadway-themed

drag show, jumped on stage,

removed his clothes,
and then made off

with Josephine's
Technicolor Dreamcoat.

-Your Honor, this behavior
is not typical for my client.

He had a few too
many Sondheim Slings

while celebrating the
conclusion of a tech project

that was years in the making.

As far as the
"wardrobe" malfunction,



many said that the nudity

was tasteful and
integral to the plot.

Case dismissed.

-The defense has a character
witness, Your Honor.

Brock Gallivan.
- Okay, um, Mr. Gallivan,

can you please
approach the bench?

I understand that you
two work together?

-Uh, John's a coder
for my app, Your Honor.

An app that's gonna
completely change the way

that we fall in love.

You see, everyone wants to
find that special someone,

but dating apps make the
process tedious and superficial.

But what if it wasn't?

-I'm sorry, is this the defense?



-Only if it's working.

-Introducing arranged marriage,

but without the
vowels, so "Rrngdmrrg."

My algorithm pairs you
with exactly one person...

Your perfect match.

I will now answer any questions.

-No, no, no. That's
not how this works.

Gurgs?
- Sure. I'll start us off.

Are you subscription based

or will you draw income
from advertising?

What, y'all don't
watch "Shark Tank?"

-Order!

This is a real court,

no matter what Yelp says.

-Speaking of which, if you're
satisfied with your defense,

I could use a five-star review.

-Could you believe that guy?

Using this court as a
targeted Instagram ad.

No, I don't want your portable,
battery-operated banana peeler.

Because I already bought two.

-Yeah. There's no way
his algorithm works.

If the Internet can't help
me find pictures of shirtless

Mandy Patinkin with an
armful of baby chicks,

how's it going to
help me find love?

That app sounds dumb.

-Dumb is good.

Dumber the idea, the
richer it will make you.

Why throw away garbage
when I can auction it off

to lonely people?

That's eBay.

-Don't tell me you're actually

buying whatever
that guy is selling.

-Let me tell you a
story about another guy

came through here in a hoodie
on a traffic violation.

He asked me, "Hey,
do you want to get in

on the ground floor
of my website?"

I look at him and I say,

"Hey, you know the fastest
way to the ground floor?"

And then I open a window.

Huge laugh.

That laugh cost me
a billion dollars,

because that hoodie was wrapped

around the haunted visage
of one Mark Zuckerberg.

-What would you have done
with a billion dollars?

-I would find another planet

that was able to
support human life,

and I would ship everybody
who isn't me there.

-I'm sorry you missed
out on Facebook, Dan,

but like an annoyed tour guide
in San Francisco once told me,

"Not every guy in a hoodie
is Mark Zuckerberg."

-If you're interested
in investing,

you should get in on my
latest venture... Instachair.

It's Uber but for chairs.

This app puts money
in your pockets

by putting butts in your seats.

Well, it's in beta now,

but there's still plenty
of equity to go around.

-I-If you're renting out chairs,

couldn't you call it ChairBNB?

Like I didn't already
think of that.

I did not. That's a good name.

-Oh, um, hi. Excuse me.

-Yeah, I Instachaired your
seat and made 38 cents.

Cha-ching!

Couldn't it be "chair-ching"?

-We get it. You're
good at names.

-I think Brock's app is broken.

I'm trying to prove that me
and Abby belong together,

but it keeps telling
me to just get a cat.

-You think that app is going to
tell you Abby's your soulmate,

even though she's
engaged, your boss,

and doesn't have a
profile on the app?

- So you're saying...
- No, don't make her a profile.

You know what, this is mine now.

-Exciting news.

I finally found the
future Mr. Olivia Moore.

-Fine, but I'm keeping
my middle name.

I just have to
remember what it is.

-No.

Brock, the tech douche.

I Googled him...
Tell me this isn't

the sexiest thing
you have ever seen.

- A LinkedIn profile?
- Look at the résumé.

The blind ambition, the
complete lack of interests,

and the best part is
he's not a lawyer,

so the only place we'll
have to be competitive

is in the bedroom.

And if he thinks he can
steal the covers from me,

he's dreaming.

And the second he is,
those covers are all mine.

-Marilyn!

I remember.

My middle name is Marilyn.

-Okay, Rand, move your head
a little closer, and...

Yep, that's it.
- Hello.

How do I look?
- Uh, well,

it's a lot of brown, so
kind of like a UPS driver,

but how about me?

-Well, I got you on
my Batman standee.

I'm not gonna lie...

it's really working for me.

Makes sense. You both
look great in black.

You both fight crime at night.

And neither of you
trust penguins.

So, how are things going
in the ol' court du noir?

-Eh, just reviewing some
materials from this trial

I had today with these app guys.
- Oh!

You should tell them
about my app idea.

It tells you the perfect jam

to put on whatever
bread you're eating.

-Huh, that's weird.

This guy who was in
here pitching his app

was once convicted of fraud
for ripping off his investors.

Oh, my God! I wasn't
supposed to see that.

These records are sealed.

-W-We can fix this.

I can be there in four hours.

Five. I'm gonna get lost.

Then we can go on the run.

You know I've always
wanted to dye my hair

in a gas station
bathroom with you.

-It's not that big a deal.

I-I'm technically
allowed to see it.

I just can't tell anyone.

Oh, hey, Dan, I
just need a minute.

I'm Zooming with Rand.
- Alright, good,

so you're not doing
anything important.

Now...
- Is that Dan?

Dan! What's up, man...

-Look.

I talked to Brock and
he's open to investors,

but it's a $50,000 minimum,

so I'm assembling an
elite group of investors.

I may not be a "whale,"

but I know how to tie a
bunch of fish together.

Meeting, cafeteria, 10 minutes.

-Did you hear that?

-You have to tell
him not to do that.

-I know, but I'm
legally not allowed

to share anything I've
seen in this sealed file.

-Babe, you got to tell him not
to try and tie fish together.

Think about it. They're
far too slippery.

-And that's why I'm bringing
you this opportunity

to join the Fielding Group.

I mean, 'cause what's the point
of being fabulously wealthy

unless you can share
it with the people

who are physically near you
and in possession of $10,000?

-Oh, good luck.

There's all the
people I care about.

Hey, do you guys want
to see a fun video

of a dog doing a puzzle?

It's nuts. He starts
in the middle.

-I'm trying to
change lives here.

-No one wants to hear

about your crazy risky
financial endeavor.

-It's not risky!

Brock's app is the future of...

I want to say finding
a gas station.

-That's not even what it does.

-Who cares?

You're not investing
in the product,

you're investing in the man.

Yeah, look.

Nobody had even tasted
Colonel Sanders' spicy thighs,

and they'd be just
throwing money at him.

All they knew was that
he was a twisted war vet

with an insatiable desire
to murder chickens.

-We know even less about Brock.

I mean, what if he
doesn't recycle, huh?

I mean, picture a dolphin with
a six-pack ring around his nose.

Brock did that.

-Well, we know he's good
enough to be one half

of the next great power couple.

-Have you two even
had a conversation?

-No.

We also haven't written each
other letters by candlelight

from the front lines
of the Civil War.

What's your point, grandpa?

-Alright, so, Olivia's in.

Neil, I take it you'll do
what everybody else does.

- I have a mind of my own.
- So Neil's in.

-Come on, you guys
don't need Brock.

I mean, especially you, Gurgs.

You have all your own ideas.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

With the money she
makes from this app,

you can invest in
your own amazing app,

which I want to say
finds gas stations.

-ChairBNB rents chairs.

That's right, I
changed the name,

and by being present for
the thing I just said,

you forfeit all rights to
the name and cannot sue me,

ChairBNB LLC, its
parent company GurgsCo,

or any of its
subsidiaries therein.

-So, Abby, your last chance
to join the Fielding Group.

-Absolutely not, and...
And I'm gonna tell you why.

Uh...

Because money, right?

I mean, who needs
it? Who needs it?

That's right. I said it.

I mean, all that
risk and for what?

This... This jerk paper?

I mean, we spend so
much time and energy

trying to get this stuff.

It's insanity.

I'm gonna leave that there
for you all to consider

as I go get some tape,

because destroying money
is a federal offense.

-Alright, what the
hell's going on?

I haven't seen
you this worked up

since they pulled the
Shamrock Shake early.

-It should be all of March!

You just
have to trust me.

Investing in Brock's
app is a bad idea.

I can't say anything
else about it.

-Well, luckily
you don't have to,

because I'm a master
at reading people,

and you're a master at having
absolutely no poker face.

-I have a poker face.

I just haven't
showed it to you yet.

-Alright, then. Have a seat.

Now, I am going to ask
you a series of questions.

All you need to do
is respond "no."

Do you understand?

- No.
- Perfect.

Now we can start.

Is this about Brock?
- No.

-Oh! That's a big yes.

Make me work a little bit here.

Is he a criminal?
- No.

-A-ha. What kind
of criminal is he?

Are we talking theft?
- No.

- Fraud?
- No.

- Drugs?
- No.

-How did you hear
about the fraud?

Did the police tell you?
- No.

-So, you accidentally
read it in a sealed file.

-How did you do that?

-I'm going to need
a "no" from you.

- No.
- Perfect.

I have everything I
need. This was fun.

We should have
more conversations

where I do all the talking.

-Look, I filed a motion to
have Brock's record unsealed,

which will take forever,
but now that you know,

you can tell everyone before
they throw their money away.

-No.

-I can't read your "no's."

Is that a real "no."
- It's a sealed file.

It would be illegal
for me to tell them.

Besides, I already RSVP'd
to the investor party.

Attire wasn't specified, so I'm
assuming "Mountain Dew casual."

-Wait, you're still
going to invest,

even though you know the
guy ripped people off?

-Hey, you know what? It's
worth the risk for me.

You don't get a whole lot
of billion-dollar ideas

coming through here, you know.

-But you're not just
risking your own money.

You're risking everyone else's.

You're being selfish.
- Oh, am I?

Or maybe I'm being selfless,

thinking that Brock
may have changed,

that he deserves
a second chance,

and all the other nonsense
that you talk about.

-You don't believe the
nonsense I talk about.

-No. No, I don't.

But I do believe that one day,

I could be so rich
that I will never die.

-I want you to be on
your best behavior.

When you're in this room
with all these investors,

you're representing
the Fielding Group.

-Is that a slide?

-That's actually the best
case scenario with him.

-I have to go introduce
myself to Brock.

I'll be co-hosting
this party soon.

Hey! Use a coaster.

This isn't a zoo.

-Alright, Dan, time
to make some money.

-Why are you
dressed like a mime?

-Because I'm thinking...

outside the box.

'Cause I'm not just here
to invest in Brock's ideas.

I'm pitching my own.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I'm going to
attract some whales.

-Uh, buddy, do me a favor.

Mash a bunch of these up
into one real hamburger.

Oh. I thought I might
see you here tonight.

-Is it because you just
saw me in the lobby

and wouldn't hold the elevator?
- Listen, if you're here to try

to talk me out of
this, forget it.

It's not gonna work.
- Not at all.

I'm just here to introduce

everyone to my
new friend Esther.

She was a victim of
Brock's first app scam,

and while I can't talk about it,

she's free to say
anything she wants.

-Well, it's gonna take
more than that to scare

off the big minds of
the Fielding Group.

-Guys, help!

I'm stuck in the slide!

-Just pick up your feet, man!

-Wow. That is an
interesting question.

Where do I see myself
a year from now?

-I'm sorry, are
you talking to me?

-Well, I guess I'd have
to say that I see us

starting out own charitable
foundation in both of our names.

It'll be something to do with,
oh, I don't know, schools.

-You know, I think I see my
friend at the top of the slide.

I should... I should
probably go say hi.

-Oh, tell him to be careful.

I saw a cool guy get
stuck up there earlier.

-Yeah. It's a trap!

-Oh.

Admiral Ackbar.

I'm sorry, I almost
didn't recognize you.

You know what? Why
don't I grab us a couple

blue milks from the ol' Cantina?

What do you say?

-You read my mind.

-I'm a Jedi after all.

-Oh!

What the hell is
he talking about?

-Those are "Star
Wars" references.

- "Star Wars."
- He's a nerd.

Tech guys were indoor kids.

And Endor kids.

That's another "Star
Wars" reference.

- But he'll laugh at that?
- Mm-hmm.

-Give me more.

Tell me all about the Star
Battles, Fraggle Rocks.

If it contributed
to your virginity,

I want to know about it.

-Let me tell you about ChairBNB.

You see this empty
chair? I don't.

I see your new Tesla.

I see your second wife.

I see you with a bunch
of antique dolls.

Wait, why is that your thing?

-I got to tell you, Gurgs,
you have the right idea,

investing in yourself,
because you know yourself.

There's no secret past.
- That's right.

Whatever I was doing
between the years 2004

and 2006 are perfectly normal

and I wouldn't waste your
time looking into it.

-Good to know.

Anyway, there's someone
I really want you to meet

who has a really interesting
investment story.

She should be here any min...

Dan.
- You don't expect me to believe

that I'm the first person to
call you "Esther the Investor"?

I...
- Esther, there you are.

And I see you've met Dan.

-I was just telling
my friend Esther here

that she can't
dwell on the past.

That's where the cavemen live.

She has to live in the future,
where the spaceships are.

-And from everything
Dan's saying,

it sounds like Brock's new app
is a rocket ride to Money Town.

-Wait, you're really gonna
write a check to a guy

who totally scammed you?

-Dan said lightning
never strikes twice.

Except for me.

I've been struck
dozens of times.

-All I want to say is
welcome to the team,

and I wouldn't feel bad

about getting that
loan from your sister.

I mean, come on,
we know that kid

is never gonna get into college.

-Alright, everyone, I know
my party is the coolest,

but please try and give
us your full attention.

-"Do or do not.

There is no try."

"Star Wars" dialogue.

-Okay, investors, who's ready
to live long and profit?

-The Clerk's Office... they...
They unsealed Brock's file.

I'm legally allowed
to tell anyone.

-Don't. Alright, look, I'll...

I'll give you a
seat on the board.

You can become VP of snacks.

That means you're in
charge of all the snacks.

Fruit is not a snack.

-Why do you keep
fighting me on this?

-Because opportunities
like this have passed me

by my entire life.

I just want this
to be different.

-You can't keep
them in the dark.

They deserve to know...

that Brock's a fraud!

-The opinions expressed
do not reflect

those of the Fielding Group.

-For the record, I don't

usually like to make
a scene at parties.

Unless it's a crime scene at
a murder mystery dinner party.

That's just being a good host.

Look, I just don't want my
friends to lose their money,

so I'm sorry, Brock, but I had
to let them know the truth.

-It's true.

Years ago, I committed fraud,
and I hurt a lot of people.

It was the biggest
mistake of my life,

and I once had dreadlocks.

That's why some of the
people that are here tonight

are the very people
that I scammed.

And tonight, I'm giving
them a piece of this company

free of charge in the hopes
that they'll forgive me.

-Oh.

- You are?
- Well, except for Esther,

who is in violation of
a restraining order.

Who brought her
here, by the way?

- The lightning fixed me!
- Hey! Back off!

So...

the important thing is you
all have the information,

and if you're looking
for another investor,

I happen to have a little
money I got from a settlement

after being kicked by a
local celebrity horse...

- Please leave.
- Okay.

-And your friends, too.
You guys are all out.

But not me, right?

I thought we were Luke and Leia.

- They're brother and sister.
- What?

Does their dad know?

-Been a rough couple
of minutes, hasn't it?

I'm not sure you
quite understand

what the Fielding
Group can do for you.

We have access to a lot of
legal, how should I say,

resources,

and a-an evidence room
with a broken lock.

Alright, fine. We don't
even want your money.

We'll just leave.
Wait, wait, I'm sorry.

Did I hear somebody say,
"Stop. Please don't leave?"

Did... Did you?
No, you didn't.

Fine. We'll just leave.

We don't even want your...
I already said that.

We'll just leave! Leave.

We'll just leave! Leave.

Thunderstorms in the forecast.

-So...

have you forgiven me yet?

-No.

-Aw, that was a yes.

I'm getting good at this.

-So you lost me a few bucks.

I've lost money before.

And not just by hilariously
insulting doe-eyed

megalomaniacs.

There're also been scams
and shifty accountants

and the occasional guy who calls

and says he's me
from the future.

But this was different.

First time it happened because
someone cared about me.

-Dan, I'm gonna care about you

all the way to the poor house.

-I still don't know
what the app did.

If it's not for gas
stations, who's it for?

-Did you guys hear about Brock?

Zuckerberg bought his
app for two billion.

- That's a lot of jerk paper.
- Yeah.

Sorry you missed out on
being part of a power couple.

-Eh. I still have a shot.

I used the app, and it
matched me with a man

who does a spot-on
Austin Powers.

Maybe one day, I'll get to be...

his wife.

-Oh, that's not Austin Pow...

-Oh, you're all nerds.

Is he gonna be alright?
- Yeah.

Yeah. We had a nice talk.

He's in a really good place.
- Oh.

-Oh.

You sitting in your chair?

Oh. Don't worry.

There's a similar chair
seven minutes away.

-Hey, Gurgs, I think
I figured out a way

to make it up to all of you.

Knicks tickets.
- You're treating us

to a Knicks game?
- Oh, no.

I-I'm gonna go to the game.

Well, technically,
a bunch of games.

Here's the plan.

I'm gonna perfect a dance

that gets me on the Jumbotron.

Based on that, I'm gonna be
picked for the half-court shot

for a million dollars.

And the next part, that's gonna
require a little bit of luck.

- Judge, it's really okay.
- Well, tell that to Neil.

He can't even look at me.
- Neil's not mad at you.

He can't look at you 'cause
he's in love with you.

- What?
- What?

-What?

-I just got an alert.

My chair is available.

Oh, did she just find out
that Neil's in love with her?