Night Court (2023–…): Season 1, Episode 12 - Da Club - full transcript

-Next case, The City of New
York vs. Captain James T. Kush.

He was arrested for growing
and selling marijuana

on his charter boat.

-Hold on.

Yes, this is the least
surprised I've ever been.

-Your Honor, my client
runs a respectable business

beloved by college
students, Deadheads,

and Woody Harrelson.

-Plus, Your Excellency, I
was in international waters.

My only judge should be the sea.

-Um, you were in the East River.



That's not
international or water.

Still, though, felony
drug trafficking

seems a little steep.

Uh, Counselor, do you know why
the DA's office went so harsh?

-Hmm? Oh, absolutely,

I am listening.

-The court chooses to let
the defendant off with a fine

and a stern "don't ye be
growin' any more cannabis

on yer vessel, argh."

-Okay, dude, a
piece of advice...

Cheetos are not a deodorant.

-Olivia, you feeling okay?

I mean, I know you
don't like being here,

but tonight it actually shows.



-It's hard to care
about these other cases

when Eli Bettencourt
is over there.

-Wait, Eli Bettencourt?
Is here? Tonight?

Who is that?

-He's the one with the nurse.

He's one of the city's biggest
political power brokers.

And luckily for me,
he was assaulted

on his way home from dinner.

If I win, I'll gain
his undying gratitude

and be on my way to becoming
the first classically hot

Supreme Court Justice.

Well, u-unless you
count Earl Warren.

-Ooh, he was a smoke show.

-Now, if you'll excuse
me, destiny awaits.

-Your Honor, District
Attorney Jeff Dewitt,

representing New York City

and my dear friend
Eli Bettencourt.

I'll take it from here, Alicia.

-Well, stay positive.

Maybe the victim in your next
case is also a power broker.

Or maybe that giant snake
will swallow you whole.

You just never know.

That's Night Court, baby.

-Well, if it isn't Dan Fielding.

So the rumors are true.

You're a public defender now?
- Jeff Dewitt.

I heard you drowned on
the Lehman Brothers boat.

-You wish. They do
women and children last.

- You two friends?
- Former colleagues.

Jeff and I go way back.

I used to give him
advice on how to dress.

Obviously he's
forgotten all of it.

-I'm actually glad you're
here, Mr. District Attorney.

I've noticed some trends
coming out of your office

that I'd really like
to talk to you about.

-Too much justice?

Up top, boom!

No, of course, the DA's
office takes the concerns

of a jurist like
yourself very seriously.

Let's... Let's get a
meeting on the books.

-Oh, I've never had a
meeting on the books.

I've had a meeting about books.

Back home when they tried
to ban "Cat in the Hat"

for being pro-mischief.

-Care to bet on the outcome
like in the old days, Dan?

-Sadly I'm no longer
a gambling man.

So say 500?

-Easy money. She
looks like a pushover.

-Ah, sweet Jeff, you're going
to wish you died at sea.

-Next up, The People
vs. Gil Crandall.

-My office is charging assault
and robbery in the first degree.

-See, this is exactly

the kind of excessive
charge I'm talking about.

-The fact is
Mr. Bettencourt was attacked

for his to-go container
of hard-earned oysters.

Gil here stole food out of this
great man's beautiful mouth.

-Well, according to the
doorman's statement...

-Ooh, I wonder whose side the
doorman is going to be on.

-The two men bumped
into each other

and Mr. Bettencourt threw his
doggie bag at the defendant,

yelling, "Suck on that, Poor-o."

-By the way, I'm a
cashless business now.

I have something called Venmo.

What's all this?

-Ah, I have a meeting tomorrow
afternoon with Jeff Dewitt

at something called the
Manhattan Heritage Club.

-Heritage Club?
That's old New York.

You know, it was founded in
1784 as a place to be able

to gossip behind
Alexander Hamilton's back.

-Well, it sounds like the
perfect place to convince Jeff

that his office's focus
on conviction rates

is ruining lives and not
making the city any safer.

-And you're going to say
all those words to him?

-Of course not.

I also have my iPad
loaded up with pie charts.

Ooh, do you think I
should call it a pie pad?

-Thank God I'm here.

You know, if you tell him what
you want, you will never get it.

You need Dan Fielding's
three-pronged approach

to backroom dealing.

Alright, you start with a
few good-natured insults,

Follow it up with a couple of
backhanded compliments, huh?

And by that time, he's going
to be three scotches deep

and he will tell you
what he really wants

and then you're in
the driver's seat.

Metaphorically speaking.

If you're actually in a car,

it's a whole different
set of prongs.

-Dan, I appreciate the
advice, but I'm all good.

This isn't some backroom deal.

In fact, when I meet with Jeff,

I'm going to ask for the
front-iest room they've got.

-He's going to eat you alive.

-Beef jerky?

Why are you eating shame
food out in the open?

-Eli was supposed to be my
Golden Ticket out of here.

And then Jeff Dewitt showed
up like a fat German kid

and snatched my
Golden Ticket away.

-Hey, it's still a win,
as long as you're not

one of those four
weird grandparents

sleeping head to toe
in the living room.

Well, at least you don't
have to waste your Saturday

at Jeff's dumb old
club like Abby.

-Abby got invited to the
Manhattan Heritage Club?

The premier club for legal
elites in New York City?

The club that I have dreamed of
joining ever since I realized

the pure joy of
excluding people?

If I got there, I wouldn't
have to wait for some Eli

to get punched in the face.

That club is crawling with
rich, punchable old men.

-Crawling? Is that what rich
people do when we're not around?

Do you get so much money they're
like, "I'm a baby again"?

-That place is wasted on
Abby. She doesn't want to use

social interaction to
advance her career.

She just wants to be friends
with people, like a psycho,

and unironically use
terms like... Lady date!

I just never get tired
of calling it that.

-I am so glad we're
finally doing this.

Even if the only time
you had available

was when I had to
be at this club.

-Uh-huh, yeah, definitely
here just for you.

-You could help me talk
that DA talk with Jeff

and then we can scoot
off to Color Me Mine.

-Color me excited.

It's everything I ever dreamed.

There's the state's attorney.

Oh, and the governor's
chief of staff.

And that sugar daddy husband
from "Real Housewives"

whose name I always forget.
- Oh, it's Bradman.

He got his neck done, but...
But that's not important.

No, if we can get Jeff
pumped about evidence-based

prosecution reform, I
really feel like... Olivia?

-Oh, you got this, girl.

Oh! Is that a state
comptroller I see?

-Judge Stone, welcome.

What do you think
of our little club?

-Ah, it's fancy. I'll
try to resist the urge

to pull on all the books,
looking for a secret room.

-Please do.

Oh, and you'll never
guess who I ran into.

-Judge Stone.

As I live and breathe.

Which makes me the healthiest
person in this room.

-Dan, if I didn't know better,

I would think you were
checking up on me.

-Not at all. I've been a member
of this club since the '90s.

And I am currently up
to date on my dues,

despite what is clearly
a clerical error!

-Well, strap in, Jeff.

I am about to take
you on an epic journey

to a safer New York.

My iPad will be our
magic carpet as we...

Oh, it seems that someone

snatched our magic
carpet on the subway.

-You think someone made
off with your iPad?

Jeff, "made off,"
too soon?

Gentle ribbing.

Prong one.

Ch-Check.

-Sorry to drag you down
here on your weekend, Gurgs.

-Well, make it quick. Saturdays
are when I work on my novel.

I just got to the twist.

They were on a submarine
the whole time!

-Whoa!

-And there's a
character based on you.

- What?
- But he dies like right away.

Or does he?

He does!

So, what's Abby got you doing?

-She wanted me to pick
up copies of her research

to take to some snooty club.

If they'll even let me in.

-Alright, Neil,

I'm tired of watching you
mope around about Abby.

She's your boss
and she's engaged.

It's not going to happen.

But if you want to stand
a chance with any woman,

you know what you need to do?

-Hope your book gets big
and people recognize me

as the cool guy that
dies in the beginning?

-I didn't say cool.

You need to build
up some confidence.

Change your clothes, Neil.

We're going clubbing.

- Can I still wear comfy shoes?
- No, you may not.

-Okay, my presentation materials

are running a little bit late,

but I think we
should just dive in.

My first slide was a word cloud

which I will now
describe from memory.

-Oh, sorry, I got to take this.

Hold on!

It's my investment guy.

If I don't answer,
he goes rogue.

Last time, he went all in on
Theranos after the documentary.

What?!

-Hurry back. I'll
get us some steaks,

a couple scotches.
- Oh, I can't.

I'm seeing a nurse. She's got
me down to two steaks a day.

-Dan, what are you doing?
I told you I got this.

-Yes, I know. No,
I'm just helping.

Look, these guys are
trickier than the cow tippers

and Jet-Ski hooligans
you dealt with upstate.

-We have some tough
customers back home.

Biff Cratchit, Wink
Honeycrisp, Colonel Ciderman.

-Okay, fine, fine, fine,
I don't need a rundown

of the corn crime all-stars.

I've known this guy for 30 years

and you're not going to
get any traction with him

until you figure out what
it is he wants from you.

-I don't know. I think I
could sell him on this.

People can change.
You changed.

-Yeah, but I'm incredible.

-Well, we're sticking with coal!

-Jeff, I think word clouds
can be a little abstract.

Let's get concrete.

Your policies
affect real people.

-You know what, though,
Abby, I think, you know,

maybe our friend
would rather talk

about how you could
fast-track his cases

or go easy on his
buddies, huh, huh, huh?

Get him a restraining
order against all children.

Are you winking at
any of these, Jeff?

-Actually, I'm not into
horse trading anymore.

Unless you have an actual
horse you... you want to trade.

I have got one I am
dying to get rid of.

-So, no meat, no horse trading.

You've changed.

-That's interesting.

Dan, should we get
something to eat?

I hear the crow
here is excellent.

-It is. They call it field
squab and it is to die for.

Field squab!

-I can't believe you wore that.

You look like an off-Strip
blackjack dealer.

-Uh, I saw a guy dressed
like this in the Olympics.

Granted, he was
wearing ice skates.

I don't know, Gurgs. Let's
just leave the folder and go.

-No. You need this
and you belong here.

Remember what Tony Robbins says.

-"Get out of my seminar,
Neil, you're bumming us out"?

-Exactly, and we're
going to prove him wrong.

Just follow me.

The finest of afternoons.

We're here to see... Arthur!

Arthur, is that you, old boy?

They told me you was there.

-I belong here.

-Of course you do.

Spa waters, table three.

And put on a tie.

No one wants to see your neck.

-I-I just think I could
really thrive in this club.

All I need is someone to
sponsor my membership.

-Sorry, miss, I already
gave my one sponsorship

to my youngest son here.

-Well, I'll leave
you to your mush.

-I keep all my club
clothes at work.

Trials end, I throw this
on, show up at a club,

and sometimes the deejay hasn't
even gotten to the drop yet.

Everyone's waiting around
like, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm,

and then I show up and it's
like bwoooo, wah-wah-wah-wah!

Olivia, what are you doing here?

-What am I doing here?

I capitalized on a woman's
desperate need for friendship.

What are you doing here?

-Oh, I was just teaching
Neil a lesson in confidence.

-Neil's here?

What, they just let
anyone in this dump?

-And that's the
amount of recidivism

reduced by this approach.

Now, here's the point
in the presentation

where I would've offered
you whipped cream

to go with your pie chart,
and you would've loved it.

-Well, I got to tell you,
this has been eye-opening.

-Excuse me.

Oh, good, someone found my iPad.

And all I need to
do to get it back

is answer a series of riddles.

Excuse me.

-So, Jeff, you're
actually interested

in what Abby is saying?

-Oh, I'm eating this up.

Usually I have to bribe a nanny

to figure out a
target's weaknesses.

But she is handing me
all the material I need.

-Need to improve society?

No.

To improve my chances
of getting re-elected.

I've been looking for
a soft-on-crime judge

to be the face of everything
destroying New York City,

and she is the
perfect scapegoat.

-Third scotch, third
prong, system works.

-Abby, the third scotch worked.

He wants a scapegoat
for the next election

and it's going to be you.

So now we know what he wants.

We can use it against him.

-I don't want any
more prongs, Dan.

-No, no, no, no, no,
we're done with prongs.

We're into phases.

Now, phase one has five prongs.

-Dan, stop it. I
want to change things

and I'm not going to do that
by playing the same games

you've all been playing since
the wall-deer had bodies.

-I don't want you to get hurt.

-Thank you, but I got this.

I want to do things my way.

-I understand. Enjoy
your Shirley Temple.

-Sherlock Temple.

They don't have drinks
named after women.

-That's why I
haven't paid my dues.

You should all be
ashamed of yourselves.

- Rough day?
- Yeah, it's been...

Neil, what is happening?

Why are you bartending?

-Well, I came to
bring you that folder,

which I'm realizing I never did.

They thought I was a waiter,
so I said, "This isn't my job,"

confidently, and they
promoted me to bartender.

It's actually very
fulfilling work.

People want my attention.

They ask for my
advice. It's nice.

So care to pour me a story?

-Just things seemed so
much simpler upstate.

People here seem
to have an agenda.

-I've lived a lot
of lives today.

And if there's one
thing I've learned,

it's that people are
the same everywhere.

Some are just lousy tippers.

-Wow, Neil, that's
really profound.

That ice is really loud!

-Oh, I don't know
where the ice is.

I just put my keys in here
and I shake them up for show.

If someone wants a cocktail,
I just recommend a scotch.

I tell them "it's peaty."

- Peaty.
- It means smoky.

Look, it's Scottish swamp juice.

I don't know why people like it.

-Petey... That's it.

Jeff is a corn crime all-star.

And I know just the person
who can help me prove it.

-Eh, not going to help you.

-Can you just tell me if my
suspicions about Jeff are right?

-Uh, no, because
if they are true,

maybe I confront Jeff and
he gets me into this club.

-Why do you want to be a
part of this club anyway?

You're better than this place.

-You think I don't know that?

I hate this place and
everything it stands for.

The people are jerks,
it smells like gravy,

and eight different
men came up to me

and asked me who my husband
told me to vote for.

If you want to get ahead,
this is where you have to be.

-Blackmailing Jeff to get into
this club is not the dream.

You using your drive
and intelligence

to rise to a position of
power where all the Jeffs

wants to blackmail you,
that's the real dream.

-You really think that
could happen for me?

-Stick with me and one day
people will be lining up

to ruin your life.

Alright, Jeff
Dewitt, let's talk!

Damn it, why'd that
have to be a curtain?

I just feel like I just
stormed into a shower.

-No, it worked. Keep going.

-Let me tell you about a little
scandal that happened upstate.

You see, Biff Cratchit
always won the Squash Art

competition at the county
fair, but that's only because

Petey Gooster always gave him
his best squash every year.

But the year that Biff
finally lost was the year

that Petey found out that Biff
was sleeping with his wife.

After that, Biff never
won anything ever again.

-Well, I like a carnival sex
yarn as much as the next man.

But what the hell does any
of that have to do with me?

-You let it slip earlier
that you're dating a nurse.

And in court the other day,

I saw you making a flirty
face at Eli's nurse,

who I also learned is his wife.

-And his daughter's
former roommate.

Gross.

-I think you're having an affair

with your biggest
campaign donor's wife.

And if that comes out,
just like old Biff,

you're going to lose
your squash daddy,

and that squash for you is
800K every election cycle.

-Nice story.

You can't prove it.

-Ooh, but I can.

Remember that Eli Bettencourt
case you stole from me?

Well, I called every witness,

but his wife wasn't one of
them because she was here.

"With a friend."

-A friend that
Neil's new co-workers

at a job he doesn't really
have confirmed was you.

And I heard that you two were
in a back room doing face stuff.

-Just say kissing.

-Got it.

-Well, that is a large pile
of dirt you have there.

What do you want?

-Oh, same thing
I've always wanted.

For you to take this
research to heart

and effect some positive change.

-I don't know what your game is.

-No game. Games are your thing.

I'm just sharing information.

-So am I being
blackmailed or not?!

This is really unnerving!

I'm going to read the
whole thing, I promise!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,
so, are... are... are we cool?

-Oh, and, um, you guys
might want to find

a different place to hang out.

Yeah, turns out that
this club is in violation

of all kinds of different codes,

so expect a fun little visit
from people in jackets.

- Up top, boom!
- Up top, boom!

-Turns out I'm much
more comfortable

in a place where I am by far
the most successful person.

-So, you decided to go
with blackmail after all?

-Absolutely not. He
just thought I did

because that's how
he does things.

And as you said, he hasn't
changed in 30 years.

- You know why?
- Because he's not incredible?

-Well, yeah, but

also he doesn't have anyone

in his life to make him better.

Like my late wife
or your father.

Or you.

- Cocktail, m'lady?
- No, thank you.

I don't drink.
- Neat.

So glad I spent $600
on bartending stuff.

-Why does this drink
have a key in it?