Night Court (2023–…): Season 1, Episode 11 - Ready or Knot - full transcript

-Next up, the People
v. Jessica Delgado

and Kaitlyn Komacki on a
charge of disorderly conduct.

-Really?

Another disorderly conduct
from the New York Wedding Expo?

They had WrestleMania
in the same building,

and somehow, it
was less violent.

-These women both saw a dress
they simply had to have,

and instead of throwing rice,
started throwing haymakers.

-Look, Your Honor,
my... my clients

cannot be held responsible
for their actions.

They were driven to
madness by this dress.



I, for one, can understand.

I mean, look at
this exquisite gown.

Ivory lace, hidden pockets,

a-a cut that is somehow
both A-line and mermaid?

Come on.
- I know how to solve this.

I'm gonna cut the dress in two,
and each of you can have half.

-Why would we do that?

-That would just ruin the dress.

-I was trying to do
the Solomon thing.

From the Bible.

It's like "Game of Thrones,"
but people like the ending more.

-Why'd I even bother pulling
this sword out of that stone?

-Alright, I'm gonna go
with the biblical fine

of 30 pieces of silver,
or $200 American.



And the dress needs to
be returned to the expo.

-Little problem with that.

-Ah, hell yeah.

Winter is coming!

-Weddings are the worst.

Why should I have to take
off work and fly to Chicago

because you're getting
a new roommate?

-Well, I'm not settling
down anytime soon,

but when I do, I want an
intimate ceremony on a beach,

reception on a hillside,

afterparty on a volcano.

-Good luck finding one place
with all those terrains.

-Someone's never been to Guam.

That place is like
hill, beach, hill,

beach, hill, hill,
volcano, hill, beach.

-You know what the craziest
thing is about weddings?

-The fact that you're
having a fancy meal

with two people you know are
definitely gonna have sex later?

-It's that no one's ever asked
me to be their maid of honor.

People are always
choosing their sister.

That's nepotism.

It's even more annoying
because I'd be great.

No one's more organized than me.

It takes me one visit

to memorize the layout
of a Home Depot.

-I just saw a priest, a
rabbi, and a minister walk in.

It wasn't that funny.

Maybe it only works when
they're walking into a bar.

-We're talking
weddings over here.

Any of these cases giving
you ideas for yours?

-Well, my wedding planning
has kind of been on hold

since my dad passed away.

Rand and I just really
haven't jumped back in.

-Maybe you never will.
Maybe you'll break up.

- What?
- Nothing.

-I'd love to do some planning.
I just haven't had the time.

I've been so busy, so I'm just
letting Rand take the lead

on things I don't feel
too strongly about.

-You feel strongly about which
beans should be in the chili

on Chili Wednesdays.
- Pinto.

Garbanzo beans should
just stick to hummus.

-A wedding is the most
special day of your life.

You should care about it

at least as much as
you care about beans.

-Dan Fielding loves weddings?

Oh, you are a big,
mushy softy inside.

-Eh, it's not that
big a surprise.

Look, a wedding is
your one chance in life

to get everything you want.

Bakers bringing you an
endless parade of cakes.

Tailors draping you
in the finest fabrics.

And the one opportunity to say
what you want to be able to say

every other day...

No children allowed.

-I mean, some of this New York
wedding stuff is pretty cool.

Do you know you
could get married

at halftime at a Knicks game?

At least someone then
is leaving with a ring.

-Well, look, if
time is the issue,

you could knock it
out all tonight,

right here, without moving.

I mean, everything you
need is in this building.

-Including the perfect
person to help you plan it.

-Well, I don't know...

Me!

-You know I love the idea of
all of us working together.

Hey, I'm getting
what I want already.

Alright, let's do
it. It'll be fun.

-Weddings aren't about fun.

They're about ruthlessly
getting whatever you want.

Which is fun.

It is about fun.
You said that?

-Olivia, what are we doing here?

Abby and I still have a
lot of planning to do.

We have to pick the
bride-bailiff dance.

It can be whatever you want,

but it will end in a
"Dirty Dancing" lift.

-Well, I thought we'd start
with the most important thing.

Bring them in.

Do a 360, please.

-Okay, I don't really
think this is the best...

Ooh, I like the
neckline on that one.

-Can we have number four
step forward, please?

-And can you demonstrate if
the dress has enough give

to do the chicken dance?

Actually, could
all of you, please?

-I know what this is about.
You're not trying to help.

You're trying to prove you'd
be a good maid of honor.

-I can do both at the same time.

It's called multi-tasking.

What? Yes, I'm still holding.

-As someone who's been a
maid of honor five times

and a Best Gurgs twice,

I can tell you the job isn't
about lists and dress line-ups.

It's about having fun,

and I've already
cornered that market.

Two words... penis gavel.

-Well, I guess we'll just
see whose style works bet...

No, Mom, I'm not sending you
a picture of the penis gavel.

So, are any of
these jumping out?

-I don't know.

I mean, they're all nice,
but if I'm being honest,

I'm looking for
something like that dress

that the women
were fighting over.

-I can get that for you.

-Well, I can it for you first.

-Oh, no, I didn't mean
that you guys should...

-Who knew there were
so many hairstyles?

In Skaneateles,
we only had two...

Bangs and horse.

-I think you'd look
good in any of these.

-Aw, Neil, that's so sweet.

-She values my opinion.

-She touched your arm. Act
like you've been there.

-That was quite the passionate
dress defense you made earlier.

-Oh. I'm just a
lawyer doing his best.

I would have been
equally as passionate

had they been fighting
over a spare tire.

"Oh, the flawless tread, the
exquisite steel belting,"

et cetera, et cetera, on and on.

-No, that description came from

a man with elegance and taste.

Oh.

What are you selling?

-Ideas.

Cynthia Davies, wedding planner.

Now, I see you're married,

but have you thought
about a vow renewal?

-My wife died several years ago.

-Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

But, and I hope this
isn't too forward,

but a trophy elk
like you, you know,

it's only a matter of time
before someone bags you,

and do you know what
that lucky huntress

is going to make you into?

-Please don't say venison jerky.

-A husband.

And before you say no,

try one of these
Belgian truffles.

It takes 14 monks
to make one per day.

-I taste their silence.

-Next up, the People v.

Rich Morrison and
Andrea Reynolds.

-The defendants were
caught trying to sneak

into the Zimmet Art
Museum after hours.

-Uh, Your Honor, my
clients were merely giddy

over their wedding venue.

Haven't you ever been so excited
that you put on a ski mask

and threw a celebratory
brick through a window?

-We had to see the
layout, Your Honor.

My Uncle Phil can't
be near the Picassos.

I don't need my wedding ruined

with his endless comments
about chicks with three boobs.

-And it's beautiful.

Stained glass windows,
vaulted ceilings,

and they have bathroom
waiters who serve you mints.

-Your Honor, the venue canceled
their wedding reservation.

Isn't that punishment enough?
- What?

It's booked solid
for three years.

If I can't have it, no one can.

I will burn that
place to the ground!

-Oh, my God! I love him.

-Aw. That's very sweet,
but it's still a $100 fine.

Oh! Oh!

Neil, can I please have
my family-friendly gavel?

-So, Kaitlyn's wedding
dress wasn't in evidence,

which must mean you have it.

-Not only do I have it...

I don't have it.

Well, turns out she hid
it before they caught her.

But I pivoted and called
in some reinforcements.

-Next case, the
People v. Jack Steele.

-Uh, am I missing
a file on this?

-Don't worry, Your Honor.

It's nothing to lose
your shirt over.

Or is it? Unh!

He's a stripper!

Oh.

-Ooh.

Order!

Gurgs, I appreciate the gesture.

This just isn't the time.
- I agree, Your Honor.

Could we please clear the
court of these distractions?

-Could you please
show him the way?

The way to do it!

Unh!

He's a stripper!

-Okay. Okay. Alright.
Order! Order.

Anyone in the gallery that's
a stripper, please go home.

-Oh, these hors d'oeuvres
are just stunning.

I mean, of course we'll
need a vegan option.

An option for them to leave.

Alright, so these are better

before or after the
champagne toast?

-Oh. Why don't I get one of

my chilled bottles of
Veuve and we'll find out?

What?

-Did you tell that woman
you're planning a wedding

just to get free stuff?
- No, no, no, no.

I made my position
perfectly clear.

She's just a motivated
sales person.

And I am a motivated
recipient of stuff

I don't have to pay for.

Jalapeño popper?

-Mm. I'm good.

I could use some advice, though.
- Hmm.

-I have some
insider information,

and I'm not sure I should
take advantage of it.

-Uh-huh. You want that open
spot at the Zimmet Art Museum.

-So bad.

Growing up, sometimes, my dad
would pull me out of school

to visit the city and
take me to a museum.

He would, uh, pretend
to be a tour guide

and just make stuff up.

One time, we had like
15 people join our tour.

- Mm.
- We had to stop

because the FBI thought we
were planning an art heist.

Getting married in
a place like that

would just make me feel
like he's part of it.

-Personally, I don't see
the appeal of art museums.

I mean, why should I be
impressed with what people drew

while they were going
crazy with syphilis?

Seems to me that you
got the information

about the venue fair and square.

But hey, knock yourself out.

Not the poppers, though.

They'll melt your face.

Just catching up with me now.

- Cynthia?
- Cynthia Davies.

I understand you're
the person to talk to.

I'm interested in putting a
deposit down for the Zimmet.

-Um, I'm sorry. There
was briefly an opening,

but one of my clients
literally just took it.

- Oh.
- But another date

did just open up in 2031.

It's a Wednesday afternoon,
non-consecutive hours,

and...

Ooh, someone just booked it.

-Thanks, anyway.

-Did somebody order a sausage...

-Oop. There's my taste bud.

-Cynthia, this has
been lovely, but...

-Hold that thought.

First, I need you
to try this cake.

It's made with the eggs of
a hen who only eats caviar,

laid by a fish
who only eats hen.

-Oh.

Uh, no, I can't.

I can't keep taking your
free stuff when I know

that you'll never be
planning my wedding.

-Because you're going
with someone else?

-No.

-Is that bitch Lynn
Fetterman here?

-No. Who? I don't even know...

No, please. Please, calm down.

I just know that I have
no intention of ever

walking down the aisle again.

Yes, at my wedding, I
did walk down the aisle,

but I didn't make
a big show of it.

My tuxedo had a
very tasteful train.

-You're gonna have
another wedding.

-That kinda sounds
like a threat.

-You're too good not to.

Your palette, your
eye for color,

your knowledge of fragrance.

I'd kill for your nose.

-Okay, that's
definitely a threat.

-Which is why I'm asking you.

Mm.
- No, what are... No.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What are you doing?

-Dan Fielding, do you swear

to let me help you
plan your next wedding?

-If it gets you up off that
disgusting floor, fine.

-This is the happiest
day of my life.

-Oh...

- Thank y'all.
- Why are you applauding?

-You hear that, Lynn?!

He's mine!

-Okay, here it is.

Now, go find it.
Go find the dress.

-Looking for this?

-That dog should be fired.

-While you were messing
around with strippers,

I was putting Kaitlyn on
the phone with my mother,

who made one comment about
her perfectly regular ankles,

and now she's getting
married in pants.

-Is that the missing
wedding dress?

I'm gonna need you
to hand that over.

-Fine.

-If it makes you feel better...

-Ow! He's a stripper!

I'll meet you at the
rendezvous point.

Now that'show you maid of honor.

-Aunt Reba, of course
I want you there,

but the new venue
doesn't allow flip-flops.

Oh, so now none of our
Florida family is coming?

- Wedding troubles?
- It's so stressful.

-My planning kinda
hit a snag, too.

-At least you're not being
forced to have your wedding

in some spooky art museum

that doesn't even
have a wax Vin Diesel.

-Wait, did you book the Zimmet?

That's a venue I wanted.

-Well, apparently, everybody
says it's the best,

so I had to push my
wedding back six months.

-Why?

Your wedding is supposed
to be the one day

you can get anything you want.

So, what do you want?
Don't think about it.

Just say it.

- I just want to be married.
- Okay.

Well, let's make
that happen, alright?

Um, I can take the
Zimmet off your hands,

and I can marry
you, here, tonight.

-You know what? I'm in.

Tonight, I finally
become Mrs. Finkboner!

-Yes. You definitely
should not wait

to get that name
on some stationery.

-Why are you wearing a tux?

-It's a wedding.

I'm getting my money's worth.

A tux salesman talked me
into buying three of these.

-Paying for stuff?

A sucker's game.

-Hey. Oh, nice tux.

That style would
look good on Rand.

-Oh. Cool. Well, uh,
I've got two more.

-Oh, thanks, but
they wouldn't fit.

He's got broader
shoulders and bigger arms.

-Loving these Rand facts.

- Everyone, please be seated.
- Oh, one second, Your Honor.

The father of the bride
is supposed to be here,

but we can't get
in touch with him.

-Oh. Well, you can't get
married without her dad here.

-Dad? You made it.

Ooh. Oh.

I couldn't imagine
doing this without you.

-Your Honor, we can get started.

-Um, sorry. I just
need a minute.

-If I'd have been
your maid of honor,

this never would've happened.

-As a person who's actually
been a maid of honor,

I know what time it is.

It's cold feet speech time.

Abby, I know you're
feeling stressed,

but this is supposed to be fun.

I know you can't see it,
but I'm dancing out here.

-Well, I don't know how
I'm gonna follow that.

An estimated 20% of couples
suffer from cold feet.

That's roughly 500,00 people.

I Googled runaway officiants,
but all I got was the plot

for an abandoned
Kate Hudson movie.

-Huh. That's weird.

Your boring list of numbers
didn't seem to comfort her.

-Abby, I know that
you're scared,

and it's normal to be nervous
because you're... you're...

You're doing something
you've never done before,

but just remember
that you, um, love...

-That couple.

You've known them your whole...
- Day.

And... And if you don't do this,

you are gonna wake up
tomorrow thinking...

-"What if..."

-"...you had married
that couple?"

-You're right.

I'll go back to Glenn and Trish.

We've been a
throuple for so long.

We make a great
team, just like you.

-Throuples, man.

Someone always ends up
crying in the bathroom.

-In case you were worried,

the Finkboners were married
by a stripper/priest.

It was beautiful.

-I can't get everything I want.

-Because your father isn't here.

-I think that the real
reason I haven't wanted

to jump back into
wedding planning.

He was just so
involved in all of it.

He was gonna do magic.
- Hmm.

-This thing where my finger
would keep falling off

right before Rand
put a ring on it.

It was gonna be epic.

-Well, you know,

big moments make us really
miss those who are gone.

It's inevitable.

But you have to live your life.

And it's time you
start a life with...

Again, Rand?

Rand?

I mean, it's almost like a name,

but not quite.

-Isn't your real name Reinhold?

-Uh-huh. Okay.

So you know stuff.

-But you're right.

That is what my dad
would've wanted.

It's just hard to accept that
he won't be there for it.

-Actually, I have
an idea about that.

-What is this?

-Well, Harry and I...
All of us, really...

We spent so much time
downstairs in that courthouse

that we would come up here
for breaks, fresh air,

and talk down the
occasional jumper.

I thought it might be
a-a way to make you feel

like your father was
part of your wedding.

I mean, plus, you can't beat
the beautiful view that way.

Don't look that way.

Those people need to
invest in some curtains.

Whoa.

-It's perfect.

Rand is gonna love it.

I mean, he is
terrified of heights,

but it's time we
work on that anyway.

I'm not giving up roller
coasters for anyone.

-We helped too.

I did the twinkly lights.

And I brought up a leaf blower

and got rid of the pigeons
that are no longer with us.

-Because we realized that
we make a great team.

-And that's why we
agreed that we'd be...

your co-maids of honor.
- Your co-maids of honor!

-Oh. Oh. I already
have a maid of honor.

It's my friend Nicole
from childhood.

She saved me from a well once.

- Yeah, go with her.
- Can't beat that.

Either way, we're sorry we
couldn't get you the dress.

How was I supposed to
know that stripper was

just gonna take off?

-Did someone say "take off"?

-Hey! She's a stripper!

-You were wearing
that the whole time?

-I caught up with
Officer Twerkman

and offered him some
free legal advice

for his "Magic Mike"
-style company.

He's got great drive.

He's ready to rip off those
sleeves and get to work.

-Whoa.

Nice job, Dan.
- Ha.

-How'd you put
this all together?

-It wasn't that hard.

I just used a lot of free stuff
from that wedding planner.

-What the hell is this?

-You planned a
wedding without me?

-No, no, no. Not exactly.

No, this is not a wedding.

-I'm Cynthia Davies.

I know a wedding when I see one.

You can expect a
bill for all this.

And by the way,

those truffles were
made by a machine.

-You're just saying
that to hurt me.

-Hey, look, y'all, it's the
sad lady from the bathroom.

-And it looks like she is
making up with her friends.

-I'm gonna order
them some curtains.

-I told you not
to look that way.