Night Court (2023–…): Season 1, Episode 10 - Marathon-Thon-Thon-Thon-Thon - full transcript

Good luck escaping
that, you creep!

Gurgs, what's going on?

Well, I was went into
the judge's chambers

to do my primal-scream therapy

when I saw a guy with a knife,

and I did an an actual scream,
which wasn't therapeutic at all.

Oh, God. Was it the foot perv

who's always asking
people their shoe size

or the guy who sells the olives?

Well, just know
that if it's the guy

who eats soup with
a fork, watch out...



He's pretty good
with that thing.

No, it was a brand-new creep.

What are you guys
doing standing around?

Gurgs, book these
people for loitering.

Just kidding. Please hang out.

Judge, your chambers have been
closed for security reasons.

Behind these doors is a mad
man, and not a hot Jon Hamm one.

Please let me out!

I'm claustrophobic
and agoraphobic,

which means I'm seldom okay!

Oh, my gosh, I
recognize that voice.

That's my fiancé, Rand.

Hi. So nice to
finally meet you all.

I-I brought cake and
a big bag of olives



I got from the nice
man in the men's room.

I can't believe
you're finally here!

Told you guys he was real.

Rand!

It's so great to meet you.

It's either him or he's
got a top-notch mask guy.

Not the first time I've been
accused of wearing a mask.

Most Halloweens, people think
I'm going as John Ritter.

So this is the famous fiancé.

What brings you to
New York, "Rand"?

It's a funny story, actually.

I decided to run the marathon,

so I called Rand to ask
him to come down here.

And just as I was
dialing, the phone dinged,

and it was Rand
saying the same thing!

So your story is
about how phones work.

Well, now I'm here all week to
help Abby get marathon-ready.

You know, keep her
hydrated, cheer her on,

find clean versions
of DMX songs to blast.

Which are really
just audio recordings

of a grown man barking.

You know, help her train.
- To run?

Something we've all done
since we were children?

Is the deal still you try
to move your legs fast?

Yeah, but for 26 miles.

You know, Rand and I have
run some marathons back home.

Upstate, they let
horses run it, too.

Which I know doesn't seem
fair, but it kept us motivated.

If you ever run one, you'll see.

Oh, I'm running the marathon.

Yeah, that obnoxious
day-court prosecutor,

Nina, is running, so
obviously I have to.

Olivia, this is so cool.

Maybe we could run together.

You know, having a partner
makes the time go faster.

Mm, I don't think
so. I run alone.

I'm a lone wolf.

Wolves run in packs.
I should know...

Upstate, wolves run
in the marathons, too.

Keeps the horses motivated.

Okay, sweetheart, I'm gonna
get good seats in the gallery.

I like to sit in the second row.

It's like the
movies. Front row?

Nobody needs to be that close
to Nicole Kidman's face.

So, Dan, what'd you...
What'd you think of Rand?

Seems fine.

Fine?

Oh, my God, you love him!

Gurgs, thank you very much for
your help with that defendant.

What is it about cocaine

that makes people
want to dance with me?

Well, they always want
to dance with you.

It's just the cocaine gives
them the courage to ask.

Yeah.

Uh, the Dan Fielding Goodbye...

Be rude until someone leaves.

Must be losing my touch...
You're still here.

Ah! What, are you guys finally
putting in the cup holders?

About time somebody
read the suggestion box.

No, I'm just measuring the
bench before we move it.

Wait a minute. You're
moving my bench?

Not your bench, it's
Judge Sorenson's bench.

Sorenson? That monster
died years ago.

His bench is in hell!

His family is building
him a museum...

The real family,
not the secret one.

No museum is getting this bench.

There are so few
people or things

that I like in this courthouse.

I'm not gonna live in a world
where the bench gets taken away

and Neil can stay!

Oh, Dan Fielding, you
actually care about something.

Well, if it means that
much to you, I will make it

my life's mission to make sure
that this bench stays right...

Really?

I was in the middle of
saying I was gonna help you!

Oh, sorry! No, sorry, sorry.

Just... Reflex.
But you know what?

In my defense, you could
have said that faster.

It was nice to finally
meet your friends.

I think Gurgs is your Kramer.

And Dan is my
"Mare of Easttown."

I really get all of them.

I'm just having a
bit of a hard time

connecting with Olivia.

Oh, Olivia, the woman
I saw hanging out

at the bottom of the stairs,
waiting for people to fall?

You just need to
something outside of work.

Maybe the marathon.

You could bond over that.
- I don't know.

She doesn't seem
super interested.

But with Olivia, I'm sticking
with playing the long game.

Because she has a
crush on Justin Long.

The move is that I make
friends with him first and...

Trust me. You don't
have to try that hard.

We'll win her over.

I'm amazing at helping
people become friends.

I'm like human Facebook,
except I don't lie to moms.

Remember how
everyone wanted Mitch

to be on their trivia
team, but I got him?

Yeah, he was the
greatest addition

to A Tribe Called Questions.

But don't worry... I'm
gonna totally figure

this thing out with
Olivia on my own.

Okay. I won't get involved.

Rand, you're holding my hand.

I felt you cross your fingers.

Hey, Olivia.

So I have two tickets for
Justin Long's one-man show.

It's a re-imagining of
the Eugene O'Neil classic,

"Justin Long's Long
Day's Justin into Night."

All the blogs say there's
no nudity, so I'm good.

Hey, Abs,

I got your green juice and
mashed-potato smoothie.

And since I know you and
Olivia share a common interest,

got one for you, too.

The straw is extra wide so
you can suck down them chunks.

That's very thoughtful.

And unnecessary.

I know what you're
doing. It's not the time.

Oh, I checked my watch,
and it is friend o'clock.

Sweetheart, someone
stole my watch.

Hey, Olivia, uh, looks like
you left a file up here.

I'm a-comin'.

You okay?

I may have gone for a
test run this morning,

and my legs may
be a little sore.

See? This is why you
need the smoothie.

Classic potassium deficiency.

Po-tatos.

Po-tassium.

Coincidence?

Yeah.

It's fine. It's a perfectly
legitimate way to get around.

Okay.

Maybe I need to
drink some chunks.

I can't believe it.

I'm about to do a non-work
activity with Olivia.

Can you tell I'm excited?

Am... Am I too excited? Okay.

What if I just make my
face be calm like this?

Relax. This is gonna be great.

Lucky for you, I came here
to chew gum and make friends.

And I can't chew gum ever
since that giraffe kicked me

in the face and my doctor said

my teeth could fall
out at any minute.

All right, let's get
me in fighting shape.

What do we do, like, drink
some raw eggs or something?

Well, we start each session
with some breathing exercises.

Come on.

Think of your
belly as a balloon.

How am I gonna beat
Nina with belly balloons

when she's doing that?

She's been in a full Tom
Cruise run for over an hour.

This helps with
our breath control.

Did you know that the first
guy who ran a marathon died?

You know what he died from?

Not breathing.

Oh, great.

Now she's upping the incline.

It's like she's
running up a wall.

Bert's the head of maintenance,
so if anyone has the power

to keep that bench
where it is, she does.

Let me do all the talking.
- Gurgs, Gurgs, Gurgs, please.

A situation with
stakes this high

calls for a certain eloquence
and a delicate touch.

Leave it to me.

Mop or shovel?

Crap or puke?

She's all yours.

Hey, there, Bert!

We just wanted to stop
by and compliment you

on how shiny the cafeteria
floors have been lately.

Are you mocking me?

The day janitor does
the cafeteria floors.

He gets a fancy new buffer.

And you know what I get?

A wet rat on a stick.

Tell you what. Let's just
cut out the sweet talk.

I hear you have the
power to save my bench.

In exchange for your help,

I'm willing to give you
my attorney services.

Now, I can imagine
that someone like you

has some unresolved
legal issues,

like, for instance, say, uh,
an unregistered, exotic animal.

I do have a tub gator that
my neighbors complain about.

Of course they do.

They miss their cats.

Now, we can make that go away
as long as my bench doesn't.

I get attached to
inanimate objects, too.

I mean, I'm not one
of those weirdos

who marries a boat or anything.

Unless, um, do you
know any single boats?

- Wha...
- Not right now,

but boats' girlfriends
always having accidents.

You got a deal. I'll
save your bench.

Oh, thank you. And as
we say in Louisiana,

"Laissez les bons
temps rouler," huh?

Did you just talk
Louisiana at me?

They eat alligators
in Louisiana!

You want to eat my sweet Todd!

You're never getting
that bench, man!

Oh, come on!

You know what? Now I'm
really hungry for alligator.

Mr. Martin, you were caught

in the possession of
performance-enhancing drugs,

and "what they did
to my downstairs

should be punishment enough"
is not an acceptable defense.

I have before-and-after
pictures, Your Honor.

Oh, I specifically told
you not to bring those.

I looked in the folder.

I saw them, and now
I can't unsee them.

$50 fine.

Take a breather, Neil. Get
yourself an apple juice.

Don't worry about
your bench, Dan.

I got my best guy
keeping eyes on it.

Is your best guy a
weirder-looking Al Yankovic?

Yeah, Sandy. How'd you know?

Oh, 'cause he's standing
next to you holding a wrench,

not watching a bench.

You need to get
your ears checked.

Now, those pills you
were caught with,

could they make me run faster?

And is rage really
a side effect?

Because I could stand
to be a little angrier.

Olivia, this isn't
part of our training.

No offense to you.
You look great.

Your arms look like my legs.

What are you doing?
- I'm done with Abby's training.

I need to find something
that gets results.

Y-You can't quit. It's
really important to Abby...

that you hang in there.

She's about to take training
to a whole nother level.

You know, she starts out
slow, but then she enters

a new mode, a...
a... a beast mode.

The woman who
apologizes to her gavel

when she bangs it too hard?

Yeah, that's just the surface,
but under that surface,

she's a maniac, ready
to snap at any minute.

- That actually makes sense.
- Yeah.

You know she has zero
unread e-mails in her inbox?

That's a person with real
darkness inside them.

See you at the gym, Your Honor.

Looking forward to beast mode.

Totally.

What is she talking about?

I'd tell you, but I-I don't
want you to enter beast mode.

According to Merriam-Webster,
"Beast Mode" refers

to the "aggressive,
animalistic persona

that one might assume
when in competition."

Okay. But just so you know,
quoting the dictionary is, like,

the least beast mode
thing you can do.

I mean, is this
really necessary?

She wanted to do steroids.

Well, that's not good for her.

Or her downstairs.

Ab, this is gonna work.

Because it's what she wants.

It's like when we won Mitch
over to our trivia team,

by giving him what he wanted...

Me buying a bunch of those
huge yarn dolls he makes.

My mom still has
a bunch of them.

She's throwing them out,
but they keep coming back.

But beast mode? It's
just not who I am.

Oh, really? You were
a beast in law school.

Now look at you.

You're one of the youngest
judges to ever sit

on the bench in New York.

And you binged all of
"Riverdale" in one day...

Without me, I might add!

I can't pause to tell you what
young people are saying, Rand!

Yeah, maybe I can do it.

Hey, Neil, drop and give me 20!

I don't want to go down there.
It was mopped with a rat.

Oh! Oh!

Ooh!

Sanford Day O'Connor,
you let me fall asleep!

And now Dan's bench is gone!

Why'd you have to sing
those beautiful lullabies?

Hey, Gurgs!

Dan, I'm so sorry,

but God blessed Sandy
with a beautiful gift.

♪ Lullaby ♪

I don't know why
you're doing that. Shh!

All right, I gotta
show you something.

Huh? Timo and Carol's
hook-up closet?

No, everyone knows that's where
they got to make out and vape.

Not today.

I hid it in here while
you guys were sleeping.

Now all we have to do is take
it down the freight elevator,

which should be
easy... And poetic,

'cause that was
Sorenson's emergency exit

in case his secret
family ever showed up.

What's this? "DTF 5/12."

Oh, well, yeah, everybody's
DTF at the start of spring.

- No.
- Wait, there's no "T."

So what's "DF"?

Dan Fielding, all right?

I carved it in there when I
won my first case in court.

Ooh! Ooh! Someone's coming!

Oh!

Top of the mornin' to you!

What brings you here?

Cockroach party in the
freight elevator again.

That's why I brought
my stomping cleats.

What are you two doing?

We were gonna just go
in the closet and vape.

But you caught us, so thank you
for saving us from ourselves.

Gurgs, come on.

Let's go make some
healthy decisions.

Yeah.

Keep it up! Go! It's
gonna be worth it!

Drink up, drink up,
drink up, drink up!

Hey, um, what are you doing?

Uh, I'm handing out
water at the marathon,

so I'm practicing.

You should sign up!

We could always
use more H-2-bros.

Give it a try.

Rand, I don't think I need to
practice handing out water.

Can I please take a water break?

Water's for losers!

And plants and animals
and all living things!

Go get some water!

- Hey, buttercup.
- What do you want, maggot?!

So sorry, Rand. Why
are you all wet?

Turns out Neil is really
bad with the water.

But it looks like
this is going well.

"Well"? Wells are
for wishes, Rand.

I'm about results.

You're scaring me a little bit.

Okay. So, first, I
was being too nice,

and now I'm not
being nice enough?

Wha... Make up your
mind, skinny boy!

All right. Enough with
the proper hydration.

We're moving on to weights.
- Do weights help with running?

They seem to help with
running your mouth!

Start with this one.

- Ab, that's a lot of weight.
- For your mom, maybe!

Beast mode!

Well, um, look, I didn't
want to have to do this,

but I've run out of options.

I need you to use
your judicial powers

to declare a piece of furniture
my emotional support bench.

Do I look like a local
radio deejay to you?

'Cause I don't take requests!

Very sorry. I'm just coming
down from beast mode.

This is why the only
marathon I've done

is 50 back-to-back episodes
of "Monk" on the USA Network.

The marathon isn't to
blame for this, I am.

I became a version of myself
I didn't like very much...

And I'm not even talking
about the version

that gave me a herniated disc.

I didn't like the one that felt

that she needed Rand's
advice to make friends.

I think since I moved down here,

I've been able to do things
my way, and I liked it.

If you know the kind of
person that you want to be,

you're miles ahead of most
of the people on this planet.

Yeah, sure, it might
be difficult adjusting

to the fact that, since you
moved, things are changing.

Probably difficult
for Rand, too.

Gotta figure out how he
fits into your new life.

Yeah. He definitely doesn't
fit into the jeans he got

in the Meatpacking District.

Change is part of life.
You either accept it,

or one day a guy tries
to take your bench away,

and you briefly
consider dressing it up

like a very tall,
weird-looking man

and sneaking it past a
near-sighted maintenance worker.

- Is that a metaphor?
- I wish it were.

Hey.

- Rand.
- Dan.

Mm.

I mean, it's insane.

He just lights up
when you're around.

Hey, I'm really sorry I
made you do beast mode.

I just should've
stayed out of it.

You were just trying to help.

If Olivia doesn't want
to be friends with the me

that does belly
balloons, then...

I can live with that.

Looks like I'm gonna be
handing out water with you

at the marathon.

Hey, Neil signed up, too.

He's doing it to impress
some girl he has a crush on.

She has a boyfriend, but
apparently he's, like,

super tall and really annoying.

But, uh, you know, Olivia
will be happy to see us.

Wait. She told you
she's still running?

Oh, whoa, whoa.

Then I'm running, too.

You're in a lot of pain
right now, aren't you?

Tremendous amount.

No! This bench stays!

- Gurgs!
- Dan!

They found the bench,
but I saved it.

And I can stay here for days.

I just need protein bars,
a bucket, fun magazines...

I'm talking quizzes and
lists on surprising ways

to please my man.

It's okay, Gurgs, I called
them to come take the bench.

Got to accept that we're
going into a new chapter here.

But we can't give up
now. We've come this far.

What are you talking
about? We're a foot from

where we started.
- I'm talking emotionally, Dan.

This is a piece of
Dan Fielding history.

Don't you want to at
least say goodbye?

I'm not gonna say
goodbye to a bench.

I've been trying to save
this bench for a week.

You better say goodbye.

Fine.

So, y'all take a five.

Oh, if you're interested,

there is a closet where
y'all can hook up and vape.

Fine, here's $10 for
some coffee, you prudes.

Well, uh, okay.

What do you say
to a bench? Um...

You were always
stable. You were solid.

Most of all, you were
silent. You never once said,

"Hey, what did you get
into this weekend?"

No, I always knew that
I could come here,

sit down comfortably,
and read my paper,

no matter how much things
changed around here.

And for that, thank you.

Can I be done now?
- No.

Go sit over there
and keep watch.

I'm taking the Dan Fielding leg.

We'll say it got
damaged in transit.

You know what, Gurgs?
No, no, wait, wait.

Do the other one, too,
because, you know,

I didn't carve
anything on there,

but now I'm thinking bookends!

Oh, that's... I can't believe

we didn't even make it
past the first mile marker.

Well, that's not true.

When you fell, your
shoe went right over it.

If any part of my spine
was in the right place,

I would hurt you right now.

It was nice that
Nina waited with us

until the medic got there.

Yeah. Totally ruined her time.

Couldn't have done
it without you.

Can you take your hand
off my shoulder, please?

I can't.

What's all this?

Well, I really wanted you to
at least have the experience

of breaking through the tape.

So I called these guys.

It was too last-minute
to get horses.

Shall we?

Let's do it.

3, 2, 1!

And they're off!

Fresh water!

Go! Go! Go!

Go!

- Yeah!
- Yeah!