NewsRadio (1995–1999): Season 5, Episode 20 - Freaky Friday - full transcript
Because Matthew thinks Mr. James' job is much easier than his job, they switch places for a day. Dave bans Max from the break room because he keeps stealing food from everybody. Max now has to find other means to get to 'his' beloved food. For years, Beth has been cheating a CD club by ordering CDs under several aliases. Now, the club has caught up with her and she desperately wants to get rid of the 5,700 CDs she has.
We don't need
a science reporter.
I'm offering my services
for free.
Yes. That's just so you can beam
your messages out to space.
That's a lucky guess.
Max, that's my sandwich.
Really?
Hm,
I don't see your name on it.
Well, I still don't see your
name on the actual sandwich.
Well, that's my milkshake.
Don't say you don't see my name,
it's written over.
Well,
I thought you abandoned it.
I put it in the fridge
45 minutes ago.
Yeah. Well, if you left me in
the fridge for 45 minutes,
I'd feel abandoned.
Max, that refrigerator
is not your
private hunting ground.
I know.
I prefer to think of it
as a public game preserve
where every man is free
to take his best shot.
You've been stealing
lunches for months.
I have a glandular disorder.
Show some mercy.
Max,
I think we've shown you
a little bit too much mercy,
all right?
So as of this moment,
your break room
privileges are suspended.
What?
Until you learn to respect
people's property
you're banned
from the break room.
No.
No.
No!
[♪]
And so I told him,
"You're not gonna pay that much,
"you're not gonna pay that much.
"Well, you are
gonna pay that much
and you are gonna like it."
You know what happened then?
He paid that much
and he liked it?
No, no, no.
No, he paid that much
and I liked it.
I was the one that liked it.
Ah, that's a great story, sir.
Yeah. Thanks.
Damn, I'm rich, ain't I?
Yeah.
David?
Yes, Matthew?
Oh, I'm sorry.
Should I come back?
No, no, it's fine.
Oh, okay. Uh,
permission to leave the office
to spend the day at the zoo?
Oh, gee. Uh...no.
Darn.
You don't understand.
This is like
a medical emergency, okay?
I am so a little stressed out.
Oh, Matthew, come on,
we're all stressed out.
All of us. We are.
Believe me, we are.
You don't go to the zoo.
That's what weekends are for.
Mr. James, no offense,
you wouldn't understand.
Why not?
To be frank, you spend your day
in billionaire-land.
Getting steam baths
and sitting on your ass,
letting your ego
be massaged by yes men.
Matthew.
And I'm sorry.
It's okay.
Just hold on for a second.
You honestly think
that's all I do all day long?
Well, let me think.
Steam baths, ego, ass.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Matthew. Son,
I mean, no offense,
but my job
is so much more stressful
than you could even imagine.
If your job is so stressful,
how come I never see you in here
asking to go to the zoo?
All right.
Okay. You know what?
All right, let's switch.
What?
You and me.
Let's switch jobs for a day.
Sir, that's a horrible idea.
No, it is not.
I want you to run my empire
for a day.
And I will do whatever
the hell it is you do.
What do you do around here?
Um...
Reporter.
Reporter.
Reporter.
Okay. Fine.
I'll be a reporter then.
This is great, wow.
Are you serious? Yeah.
And this is like that movie
Freaky Friday.
Except you're the mom.
I'm the mom.
And you're Jodie Foster.
Finally.
Okay. Bill for Dave,
bill for Dave.
Fan letter for Max.
Where is Max?
I'll take it.
All right.
Oh, my God. A letter addressed
to Chi Chi Rodriguez.
What?
It's from
the Record and Tape Club.
"Dear Ms. Rodriguez.
"Your club membership
is in serious arrears.
A club representative will be
visiting you shortly."
Oh, my God!
It sounds like somebody
at the club went insane.
There's tons of them here.
Mrs. Piccadilly Peanut.
Lena Maxina Von Pasadena.
Oh, my God.
Ernestine Q. Picklefeather.
Lord and Lady Horsehide.
Rusty Bedsprings.
That was a good one.
A good one what?
Lisa,
these are aliases I used
to join
the Record and Tape Club.
To get the 19 CDs for a penny.
Oh, without
having to buy eight more
at the regular low
Record Club price.
Plus shipping and handling.
Yeah.
It's an intriguing
little scam. Yes.
But now they have
tracked me down. All of me.
Well, so what?
Just send them a couple
of hundred bucks in late fees.
Lisa, over the past five years,
I've spent $3 in pennies.
Beth,
that's over 5700--
Mm, don't need
a math lecture right now.
Well, you're like
the Imelda Marcos of CDs.
No. I am Imelda Marcos.
Can I get a soda? Soda please?
Psych.
[GARGLING]
Thanks.
[SNIFFS]
No. What's a soda
without chips?
Max.
Have you forgotten
the break room is off limits?
I know. I was just going in
to turn the faucet off.
And where did you get that?
A friend gave it to me.
A friend whose identity
I shall never divulge.
Well, it's break room property.
So now it's mine.
But it was Beth.
She's the criminal.
Go to work.
Oh, thanks, Dave.
Being a reporter's thirsty work.
Uh-huh. Now, sir,
are you sure this is wise?
Oh, sure. Of course
I'm sure it is wise.
Here, look. I got
your first scoop right here.
Uh-huh.
Okay. Well, how do you know
these companies are merging?
Uh, I told them to.
Sir, as a reporter,
you're supposed to find stories,
not make them.
Well, you don't like that one,
how about this?
Uh, let's see.
Would it be a good story
if there was a big explosion
in a gas plant in Omaha
and a couple of people were
buried underground for days?
Would that be a good story?
No.
Oh.
Then I gotta make a call.
All right.
MATTHEW:
Let me tell you something, J.P.
You are
going to pay that much
and you are going to like it,
okay?
Hello?
If that's okay with you.
[INTERCOM BUZZES]
WOMAN [ON INTERCOM]:
Mr. Garelli is here to see you.
Hold on, J.P.
Send him right in!
Right this way.
Thanks.
Oh. Okay, good.
Thank you, Laura.
Linda.
Right, right.
Hey, do you want anything?
No, I'm fine.
Anything you want, she can get
in like five seconds.
All right.
Coffee, please.
Yeah. I'll take
a virgin banana daiquiri.
Easy on the virgin.
Nice setup you got here,
freak.
Yeah. Well, we like it.
And confidentially,
having Mr. James's job
is not as fun as I thought.
That's why I called you in.
I'm having computer problems.
What kind?
I can't turn it on.
What?
Shh! I don't want Laura to know.
Linda.
Whatever.
Here we go, gentlemen.
MATTHEW: Oh, okay.
JOE: Thanks.
Excellent, honeybunch.
That'll be all.
Wow. She's quick
with the drinks, huh?
Mm-hm. Mm.
She is a wonder.
About the computer.
Can you fix it?
I can turn it on.
Good. That's what I--
You know, I want.
Because Mr. James
has a lot of fun toys here.
But life can be pretty dull
without a computer.
Dude, what are you doing?
What? What?
That's a loaded spear gun!
I know.
I'm not a complete idiot.
Oh, my God.
Maybe I am a complete idiot.
What are you working on,
Mr. James?
Huh? Oh, I'm just--
I'm one of the gang now.
You can call me Jimbo.
Okay.
What are you working on--
Come on.
--Jimbo?
Okay. Just a news story.
Just working on
a little news story.
That looks suspiciously like
a stock quote board to me, sir.
Yeah. Gonna do a little,
ahem,
day trading on-line
in Matthew's name.
I didn't know Matthew
had an account.
Yeah, yeah. A little one.
His mom started it up for him.
I broke in though. Guess what
his secret password is.
Matthew?
No.
Brock?
No.
Cat?
Welcome to the club,
fellow hacker.
Happy Birthday, Lisa.
Oh, is it your birthday?
Happy birthday.
Thank you. But my birthday's
not for six months.
Oh, I know that.
I know.
But I just happened to be
in the store and I saw this.
And I just thought
it was so you.
So enjoy, okay?
Beth.
I am not gonna launder
these CDs for you.
You make it sound so shady.
Stash them
and keep your mouth shut
until the heat dies down.
Why don't you
just give them back?
Because if I give them back,
what am I gonna use as coasters?
Coasters?
Yes.
And plates and earrings.
Lisa, I have literally
thousands of CDs.
Oh, my God.
That dress you wore to the
Christmas party last year.
Made entirely of recycled copies
of Steve Miller Band's
Greatest Hits.
You're going to prison.
Oh. Oh. Might I remind you
that your husband is in prison.
Yes, I know. But at least
what he stole wasn't worthless.
Are you calling
my life's work worthless?
The spear's okay.
But you totally ruined
Mr. James' autographed picture
of George "Goober" Lindsey.
That's okay. I heard
he and Goober had a big fight.
Now about the computer.
There you go.
That's it?
That's it.
Well, that must be like
the one button I didn't mash.
I'd love to hang out with you,
but I got some stuff to do so--
Oh, yeah, me too.
Because, you know,
running a global
multi-billion dollar company
is not all fun and games.
Right.
Go on. Scoot, scoot, scoot.
Oh...
Okay.
Solitaire, solitaire...
COMPUTERIZED VOICE:
Would you like to play a game?
"Global Thermonuclear War."
[♪]
Hey, Mr. James. Still
online trading for Matthew?
Yeah, yeah.
How's that going?
Oh, I'm just diversifying
his portfolio a little bit.
He's not a bad investor,
just a little too heavy
into high-risk commodities.
What sort of high-risk
commodities?
Uh, catnip mostly.
Ah.
Cat toys.
Vacation spas for cats.
That sort of thing.
Well, then.
Well, lookie there.
How's it going there,
Mr. President?
Mr. CEO?
Not so good.
Ah, the job's a lot tougher
than you thought, huh?
Yeah, it is.
Okay.
This is gonna make you feel good
because I have made you--
Look at this.
--almost $200
trading online in your name.
Oh, that's funny.
Because I was just
online trading in your name.
[LAUGHS]
Well, see, you couldn't do that, son.
You couldn't access my accounts.
You don't know
my secret password.
You mean, "Mary Ann"?
How'd you know that?
Well, it's Dave's mom's name,
so I figured...
Sir.
No, wait.
Wait a-- Wait a second now.
Matthew, son.
Yes, sir.
How much did you lose?
[SOBBING]
All of it.
How-- How much?
Seven billion dollars.
But you're welcome to borrow
that 200 if you like.
[♪]
I'm ruined.
I'm totally wiped out.
Seven billion dollars, gone.
If there's ever any-- Any way
I can pay you back, you know--
Jimmy-- Jimmy mad.
What?
I'm sorry.
Jimmy very...
mad!
Jimmy mad! Jimmy mad!
[GRUNTING]
Jimmy mad!
Joe, I could use some--
I need some help here.
What's up?
I'm trying to lock
Mr. James in.
Oh, cool.
What were you thinking?
I don't know. I don't know.
I was playing solitaire
and then I got bored
and I started online trading.
And long story short, it got
out of control. I don't know.
You lost 7 billion dollars.
I know.
It's bad.
You ruined Mr. James.
I said, I know it's bad.
This is worse than knocking
over the water cooler.
Oh, my God. Do you think
he's gonna fire me?
[CRASHING]
[GRUNTING]
You!
Aaagh!
[YELLING]
[SCREAMS]
[YELLING]
[♪]
Good morning, Lisa.
You still looking
to unload those CDs, Beth?
I don't know,
with Mr. James broke,
I'd probably be better off
in jail.
No. The last he needs to worry
is you getting busted
by the record police. Come on.
Oh, quickly.
All right.
What's the deal?
She needs to dump
an assload of CDs.
I got a bunch of CDs.
Not interested.
No, no. We are talking about
every Sarah McLachlan,
every Carly Simon, every
Judy Collins album ever made.
Plus some rare, rare,
very early Edie Brickell.
What's the catch?
You have to take 5700 other CDs.
Who?
Well, we got everything.
Monica, Brandy, Hanson.
Yea!
I mean, boo. I want more.
What else do you want?
I want my break room privileges
back.
I am Dave's assistant.
I do have some influence.
She'll work on it.
It might not happen overnight,
but she'll do what she can.
And I want samples.
What do you mean, samples?
No, no.
No. She's not stealing food
for you, Max.
Deal breaker.
I could totally do that.
Do we have a deal?
Yes, we have a deal.
I prefer to close deals
like this
with a kiss.
I choose prison.
Lisa?
Psych.
[♪]
Hey, sir. How are you doing?
Oh. Hey, Dave.
I'm just packing up
a few personal items.
You know what I mean?
Yeah. I'm--
I'm really sorry about all this.
Thanks, Dave. I appreciate it.
I--
Oh, look.
Goober got a hole.
So, uh,
what are your plans, sir?
Are you--
Oh, I was-- I was,
you know, looking at this
as a new start maybe.
You know what I mean?
I think that's
a healthy attitude.
I'm thinking of going back
to Florida
and go back into
the family business.
Oh, what's that?
Sharecropping.
Sir. Come on, sir.
You're...
Sir. Sir, you're much more
than a sharecropper.
Sure, yeah. I used to be.
I used to be $7 billion
more than a sharecropper.
But now, without my money,
I'm just another unemployed
Jeff Foxworthy fan.
You know what I was thinking?
I was-- I was thinking
of maybe starting
a new business, you know?
Something I'm interested in.
Of course, you could.
Put my nose to the grindstone
and build it from the ground up.
Yeah.
Get enough money to buy myself
a new spear gun
and hunt down Matthew.
Now, sir,
you don't want to kill Matthew.
Oh, sure I do. Yeah.
All right. Well, yes, yes.
We all want to kill Matthew,
but what good would it do?
It would--
It would make him dead.
[♪]
Yeah, that one. Yeah.
That and that. Yeah. Perfect.
What are you doing?
Nothing.
I didn't know exactly
which cookies you wanted,
so I grabbed them all.
Is that okay?
Brilliant.
That's-- You-- Excuse me.
You just gave him my lunch.
Yeah, I don't even know
that guy.
I just walked through
those doors right here
and he wrestled me
right into this pantry.
Okay. That's fine. I'm sorry.
And you, who are you?
My name is Randy Starks.
Hi.
I'm with the, uh,
Record and Tape Club.
I'm looking
for a Chi-Chi Rodriguez.
Chi Chi?
Chi Chi.
Oh, yes. Chi Chi.
Yes, gone. Gone quick.
No forwarding address.
Really sorry.
Are you sure? 'Cause I--
Yes.
Can you help me stash these?
I think I saw someone
following me.
Chi Chi Rodriguez,
I presume?
I also assume
I'm meeting "Aunt Jemima,"
"Wolfman Jack", "Tokyo Rose"
"Your Momma."
That's one of my favorites.
You know, Beth,
you don't have to say anything.
No, no.
No, it's okay. It's all right.
You know what? It's okay.
I mean, really.
Who's guilty here, huh?
The user or the pusher?
Oh, I see.
I see. I'm the villain, right?
"Dr. Doom"?
Oh, all right. I-I give up.
Just, you know, arrest me.
I couldn't help myself.
No, no. I would like
to prosecute you.
But to tell you the truth,
the cost of your litigation
would be so much more than
we could ever hope to recover.
So I'm offering you this check
for $1000
on two-- Two conditions.
One, leave us alone.
And two, don't tell anybody else
how you scammed us.
We cannot afford that.
Oh, thank you.
Okay. Oh, I have to make
that check out.
Oh. Okay, great.
Who would I make that out to?
Uh, Beth.
Okay, Beth.
Beth what?
I don't have a last name.
Just make it out to cash.
Okay, cash.
There you go.
And do not send us
any more of those pennies.
Now I can afford
to buy a CD player. Whoo.
Hey, there, Lisa.
Ah. Mr. James, you're back.
Yeah. Not only am I--
Am I back,
I'm back in business.
Meaning?
Meaning I'm back in business.
I'm working my way back
to financial prominence.
Hey. Congratulations,
Mr. James.
I knew you had another comeback
in you.
Yeah, thanks. Thanks a lot.
Actually, I just came back
to forgive Matthew.
Really?
Mm-hm.
Yeah, so where is the freak?
Oh. Matthew?
Is it safe?
Hi, Mr. James.
Come here for a second.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Just come here. Come here.
Hey, hey, hey.
You know what?
What?
I forgive you.
Oh, God.
[LAUGHS]
Thank, God, Mr. James.
[SIGHS]
'Cause I was so afraid
I know you were.
that you weren't gonna,
you know, ever forgive me.
[GASPS]
Uh-huh.
Can't breathe.
Everything going black.
Yeah.
Mr. James,
I don't think his rib cage
can take that much forgiveness.
Oh, I think it can.
I found out what the freak
did with your money.
Don't care.
Still forgiving him.
No, you don't understand.
You're still rich.
What?
Your office called.
It seems your cell phone bill
has a $7 billion credit.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
I got my fortune back?
Yeah. Freak, what did you do?
I just paid some bills.
You paid $7 billion
for a phone bill?
Okay, look.
I am not smart.
Okay, all right.
Okay. It doesn't matter.
As long as I got
my fortune back, I'm happy.
Hey, Dave, is it--
Is it 5:00 yet?
No, sir. It's only 4:00.
Yeah, it is. I'm buying.
Let's go. Come on, son.
Come on.
I'll get drunk.
I'll catch up.
Ah.
[GROANS]
Max.
I see you ate
that tuna sandwich
that I left out
overnight.
Under a lamp.
Oh, God.
Uh-huh. Well. Max,
I think you've suffered enough.
Your break room privileges
are restored.
[GROANING]
Psych.
[♪]
[♪]
a science reporter.
I'm offering my services
for free.
Yes. That's just so you can beam
your messages out to space.
That's a lucky guess.
Max, that's my sandwich.
Really?
Hm,
I don't see your name on it.
Well, I still don't see your
name on the actual sandwich.
Well, that's my milkshake.
Don't say you don't see my name,
it's written over.
Well,
I thought you abandoned it.
I put it in the fridge
45 minutes ago.
Yeah. Well, if you left me in
the fridge for 45 minutes,
I'd feel abandoned.
Max, that refrigerator
is not your
private hunting ground.
I know.
I prefer to think of it
as a public game preserve
where every man is free
to take his best shot.
You've been stealing
lunches for months.
I have a glandular disorder.
Show some mercy.
Max,
I think we've shown you
a little bit too much mercy,
all right?
So as of this moment,
your break room
privileges are suspended.
What?
Until you learn to respect
people's property
you're banned
from the break room.
No.
No.
No!
[♪]
And so I told him,
"You're not gonna pay that much,
"you're not gonna pay that much.
"Well, you are
gonna pay that much
and you are gonna like it."
You know what happened then?
He paid that much
and he liked it?
No, no, no.
No, he paid that much
and I liked it.
I was the one that liked it.
Ah, that's a great story, sir.
Yeah. Thanks.
Damn, I'm rich, ain't I?
Yeah.
David?
Yes, Matthew?
Oh, I'm sorry.
Should I come back?
No, no, it's fine.
Oh, okay. Uh,
permission to leave the office
to spend the day at the zoo?
Oh, gee. Uh...no.
Darn.
You don't understand.
This is like
a medical emergency, okay?
I am so a little stressed out.
Oh, Matthew, come on,
we're all stressed out.
All of us. We are.
Believe me, we are.
You don't go to the zoo.
That's what weekends are for.
Mr. James, no offense,
you wouldn't understand.
Why not?
To be frank, you spend your day
in billionaire-land.
Getting steam baths
and sitting on your ass,
letting your ego
be massaged by yes men.
Matthew.
And I'm sorry.
It's okay.
Just hold on for a second.
You honestly think
that's all I do all day long?
Well, let me think.
Steam baths, ego, ass.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Matthew. Son,
I mean, no offense,
but my job
is so much more stressful
than you could even imagine.
If your job is so stressful,
how come I never see you in here
asking to go to the zoo?
All right.
Okay. You know what?
All right, let's switch.
What?
You and me.
Let's switch jobs for a day.
Sir, that's a horrible idea.
No, it is not.
I want you to run my empire
for a day.
And I will do whatever
the hell it is you do.
What do you do around here?
Um...
Reporter.
Reporter.
Reporter.
Okay. Fine.
I'll be a reporter then.
This is great, wow.
Are you serious? Yeah.
And this is like that movie
Freaky Friday.
Except you're the mom.
I'm the mom.
And you're Jodie Foster.
Finally.
Okay. Bill for Dave,
bill for Dave.
Fan letter for Max.
Where is Max?
I'll take it.
All right.
Oh, my God. A letter addressed
to Chi Chi Rodriguez.
What?
It's from
the Record and Tape Club.
"Dear Ms. Rodriguez.
"Your club membership
is in serious arrears.
A club representative will be
visiting you shortly."
Oh, my God!
It sounds like somebody
at the club went insane.
There's tons of them here.
Mrs. Piccadilly Peanut.
Lena Maxina Von Pasadena.
Oh, my God.
Ernestine Q. Picklefeather.
Lord and Lady Horsehide.
Rusty Bedsprings.
That was a good one.
A good one what?
Lisa,
these are aliases I used
to join
the Record and Tape Club.
To get the 19 CDs for a penny.
Oh, without
having to buy eight more
at the regular low
Record Club price.
Plus shipping and handling.
Yeah.
It's an intriguing
little scam. Yes.
But now they have
tracked me down. All of me.
Well, so what?
Just send them a couple
of hundred bucks in late fees.
Lisa, over the past five years,
I've spent $3 in pennies.
Beth,
that's over 5700--
Mm, don't need
a math lecture right now.
Well, you're like
the Imelda Marcos of CDs.
No. I am Imelda Marcos.
Can I get a soda? Soda please?
Psych.
[GARGLING]
Thanks.
[SNIFFS]
No. What's a soda
without chips?
Max.
Have you forgotten
the break room is off limits?
I know. I was just going in
to turn the faucet off.
And where did you get that?
A friend gave it to me.
A friend whose identity
I shall never divulge.
Well, it's break room property.
So now it's mine.
But it was Beth.
She's the criminal.
Go to work.
Oh, thanks, Dave.
Being a reporter's thirsty work.
Uh-huh. Now, sir,
are you sure this is wise?
Oh, sure. Of course
I'm sure it is wise.
Here, look. I got
your first scoop right here.
Uh-huh.
Okay. Well, how do you know
these companies are merging?
Uh, I told them to.
Sir, as a reporter,
you're supposed to find stories,
not make them.
Well, you don't like that one,
how about this?
Uh, let's see.
Would it be a good story
if there was a big explosion
in a gas plant in Omaha
and a couple of people were
buried underground for days?
Would that be a good story?
No.
Oh.
Then I gotta make a call.
All right.
MATTHEW:
Let me tell you something, J.P.
You are
going to pay that much
and you are going to like it,
okay?
Hello?
If that's okay with you.
[INTERCOM BUZZES]
WOMAN [ON INTERCOM]:
Mr. Garelli is here to see you.
Hold on, J.P.
Send him right in!
Right this way.
Thanks.
Oh. Okay, good.
Thank you, Laura.
Linda.
Right, right.
Hey, do you want anything?
No, I'm fine.
Anything you want, she can get
in like five seconds.
All right.
Coffee, please.
Yeah. I'll take
a virgin banana daiquiri.
Easy on the virgin.
Nice setup you got here,
freak.
Yeah. Well, we like it.
And confidentially,
having Mr. James's job
is not as fun as I thought.
That's why I called you in.
I'm having computer problems.
What kind?
I can't turn it on.
What?
Shh! I don't want Laura to know.
Linda.
Whatever.
Here we go, gentlemen.
MATTHEW: Oh, okay.
JOE: Thanks.
Excellent, honeybunch.
That'll be all.
Wow. She's quick
with the drinks, huh?
Mm-hm. Mm.
She is a wonder.
About the computer.
Can you fix it?
I can turn it on.
Good. That's what I--
You know, I want.
Because Mr. James
has a lot of fun toys here.
But life can be pretty dull
without a computer.
Dude, what are you doing?
What? What?
That's a loaded spear gun!
I know.
I'm not a complete idiot.
Oh, my God.
Maybe I am a complete idiot.
What are you working on,
Mr. James?
Huh? Oh, I'm just--
I'm one of the gang now.
You can call me Jimbo.
Okay.
What are you working on--
Come on.
--Jimbo?
Okay. Just a news story.
Just working on
a little news story.
That looks suspiciously like
a stock quote board to me, sir.
Yeah. Gonna do a little,
ahem,
day trading on-line
in Matthew's name.
I didn't know Matthew
had an account.
Yeah, yeah. A little one.
His mom started it up for him.
I broke in though. Guess what
his secret password is.
Matthew?
No.
Brock?
No.
Cat?
Welcome to the club,
fellow hacker.
Happy Birthday, Lisa.
Oh, is it your birthday?
Happy birthday.
Thank you. But my birthday's
not for six months.
Oh, I know that.
I know.
But I just happened to be
in the store and I saw this.
And I just thought
it was so you.
So enjoy, okay?
Beth.
I am not gonna launder
these CDs for you.
You make it sound so shady.
Stash them
and keep your mouth shut
until the heat dies down.
Why don't you
just give them back?
Because if I give them back,
what am I gonna use as coasters?
Coasters?
Yes.
And plates and earrings.
Lisa, I have literally
thousands of CDs.
Oh, my God.
That dress you wore to the
Christmas party last year.
Made entirely of recycled copies
of Steve Miller Band's
Greatest Hits.
You're going to prison.
Oh. Oh. Might I remind you
that your husband is in prison.
Yes, I know. But at least
what he stole wasn't worthless.
Are you calling
my life's work worthless?
The spear's okay.
But you totally ruined
Mr. James' autographed picture
of George "Goober" Lindsey.
That's okay. I heard
he and Goober had a big fight.
Now about the computer.
There you go.
That's it?
That's it.
Well, that must be like
the one button I didn't mash.
I'd love to hang out with you,
but I got some stuff to do so--
Oh, yeah, me too.
Because, you know,
running a global
multi-billion dollar company
is not all fun and games.
Right.
Go on. Scoot, scoot, scoot.
Oh...
Okay.
Solitaire, solitaire...
COMPUTERIZED VOICE:
Would you like to play a game?
"Global Thermonuclear War."
[♪]
Hey, Mr. James. Still
online trading for Matthew?
Yeah, yeah.
How's that going?
Oh, I'm just diversifying
his portfolio a little bit.
He's not a bad investor,
just a little too heavy
into high-risk commodities.
What sort of high-risk
commodities?
Uh, catnip mostly.
Ah.
Cat toys.
Vacation spas for cats.
That sort of thing.
Well, then.
Well, lookie there.
How's it going there,
Mr. President?
Mr. CEO?
Not so good.
Ah, the job's a lot tougher
than you thought, huh?
Yeah, it is.
Okay.
This is gonna make you feel good
because I have made you--
Look at this.
--almost $200
trading online in your name.
Oh, that's funny.
Because I was just
online trading in your name.
[LAUGHS]
Well, see, you couldn't do that, son.
You couldn't access my accounts.
You don't know
my secret password.
You mean, "Mary Ann"?
How'd you know that?
Well, it's Dave's mom's name,
so I figured...
Sir.
No, wait.
Wait a-- Wait a second now.
Matthew, son.
Yes, sir.
How much did you lose?
[SOBBING]
All of it.
How-- How much?
Seven billion dollars.
But you're welcome to borrow
that 200 if you like.
[♪]
I'm ruined.
I'm totally wiped out.
Seven billion dollars, gone.
If there's ever any-- Any way
I can pay you back, you know--
Jimmy-- Jimmy mad.
What?
I'm sorry.
Jimmy very...
mad!
Jimmy mad! Jimmy mad!
[GRUNTING]
Jimmy mad!
Joe, I could use some--
I need some help here.
What's up?
I'm trying to lock
Mr. James in.
Oh, cool.
What were you thinking?
I don't know. I don't know.
I was playing solitaire
and then I got bored
and I started online trading.
And long story short, it got
out of control. I don't know.
You lost 7 billion dollars.
I know.
It's bad.
You ruined Mr. James.
I said, I know it's bad.
This is worse than knocking
over the water cooler.
Oh, my God. Do you think
he's gonna fire me?
[CRASHING]
[GRUNTING]
You!
Aaagh!
[YELLING]
[SCREAMS]
[YELLING]
[♪]
Good morning, Lisa.
You still looking
to unload those CDs, Beth?
I don't know,
with Mr. James broke,
I'd probably be better off
in jail.
No. The last he needs to worry
is you getting busted
by the record police. Come on.
Oh, quickly.
All right.
What's the deal?
She needs to dump
an assload of CDs.
I got a bunch of CDs.
Not interested.
No, no. We are talking about
every Sarah McLachlan,
every Carly Simon, every
Judy Collins album ever made.
Plus some rare, rare,
very early Edie Brickell.
What's the catch?
You have to take 5700 other CDs.
Who?
Well, we got everything.
Monica, Brandy, Hanson.
Yea!
I mean, boo. I want more.
What else do you want?
I want my break room privileges
back.
I am Dave's assistant.
I do have some influence.
She'll work on it.
It might not happen overnight,
but she'll do what she can.
And I want samples.
What do you mean, samples?
No, no.
No. She's not stealing food
for you, Max.
Deal breaker.
I could totally do that.
Do we have a deal?
Yes, we have a deal.
I prefer to close deals
like this
with a kiss.
I choose prison.
Lisa?
Psych.
[♪]
Hey, sir. How are you doing?
Oh. Hey, Dave.
I'm just packing up
a few personal items.
You know what I mean?
Yeah. I'm--
I'm really sorry about all this.
Thanks, Dave. I appreciate it.
I--
Oh, look.
Goober got a hole.
So, uh,
what are your plans, sir?
Are you--
Oh, I was-- I was,
you know, looking at this
as a new start maybe.
You know what I mean?
I think that's
a healthy attitude.
I'm thinking of going back
to Florida
and go back into
the family business.
Oh, what's that?
Sharecropping.
Sir. Come on, sir.
You're...
Sir. Sir, you're much more
than a sharecropper.
Sure, yeah. I used to be.
I used to be $7 billion
more than a sharecropper.
But now, without my money,
I'm just another unemployed
Jeff Foxworthy fan.
You know what I was thinking?
I was-- I was thinking
of maybe starting
a new business, you know?
Something I'm interested in.
Of course, you could.
Put my nose to the grindstone
and build it from the ground up.
Yeah.
Get enough money to buy myself
a new spear gun
and hunt down Matthew.
Now, sir,
you don't want to kill Matthew.
Oh, sure I do. Yeah.
All right. Well, yes, yes.
We all want to kill Matthew,
but what good would it do?
It would--
It would make him dead.
[♪]
Yeah, that one. Yeah.
That and that. Yeah. Perfect.
What are you doing?
Nothing.
I didn't know exactly
which cookies you wanted,
so I grabbed them all.
Is that okay?
Brilliant.
That's-- You-- Excuse me.
You just gave him my lunch.
Yeah, I don't even know
that guy.
I just walked through
those doors right here
and he wrestled me
right into this pantry.
Okay. That's fine. I'm sorry.
And you, who are you?
My name is Randy Starks.
Hi.
I'm with the, uh,
Record and Tape Club.
I'm looking
for a Chi-Chi Rodriguez.
Chi Chi?
Chi Chi.
Oh, yes. Chi Chi.
Yes, gone. Gone quick.
No forwarding address.
Really sorry.
Are you sure? 'Cause I--
Yes.
Can you help me stash these?
I think I saw someone
following me.
Chi Chi Rodriguez,
I presume?
I also assume
I'm meeting "Aunt Jemima,"
"Wolfman Jack", "Tokyo Rose"
"Your Momma."
That's one of my favorites.
You know, Beth,
you don't have to say anything.
No, no.
No, it's okay. It's all right.
You know what? It's okay.
I mean, really.
Who's guilty here, huh?
The user or the pusher?
Oh, I see.
I see. I'm the villain, right?
"Dr. Doom"?
Oh, all right. I-I give up.
Just, you know, arrest me.
I couldn't help myself.
No, no. I would like
to prosecute you.
But to tell you the truth,
the cost of your litigation
would be so much more than
we could ever hope to recover.
So I'm offering you this check
for $1000
on two-- Two conditions.
One, leave us alone.
And two, don't tell anybody else
how you scammed us.
We cannot afford that.
Oh, thank you.
Okay. Oh, I have to make
that check out.
Oh. Okay, great.
Who would I make that out to?
Uh, Beth.
Okay, Beth.
Beth what?
I don't have a last name.
Just make it out to cash.
Okay, cash.
There you go.
And do not send us
any more of those pennies.
Now I can afford
to buy a CD player. Whoo.
Hey, there, Lisa.
Ah. Mr. James, you're back.
Yeah. Not only am I--
Am I back,
I'm back in business.
Meaning?
Meaning I'm back in business.
I'm working my way back
to financial prominence.
Hey. Congratulations,
Mr. James.
I knew you had another comeback
in you.
Yeah, thanks. Thanks a lot.
Actually, I just came back
to forgive Matthew.
Really?
Mm-hm.
Yeah, so where is the freak?
Oh. Matthew?
Is it safe?
Hi, Mr. James.
Come here for a second.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Just come here. Come here.
Hey, hey, hey.
You know what?
What?
I forgive you.
Oh, God.
[LAUGHS]
Thank, God, Mr. James.
[SIGHS]
'Cause I was so afraid
I know you were.
that you weren't gonna,
you know, ever forgive me.
[GASPS]
Uh-huh.
Can't breathe.
Everything going black.
Yeah.
Mr. James,
I don't think his rib cage
can take that much forgiveness.
Oh, I think it can.
I found out what the freak
did with your money.
Don't care.
Still forgiving him.
No, you don't understand.
You're still rich.
What?
Your office called.
It seems your cell phone bill
has a $7 billion credit.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
I got my fortune back?
Yeah. Freak, what did you do?
I just paid some bills.
You paid $7 billion
for a phone bill?
Okay, look.
I am not smart.
Okay, all right.
Okay. It doesn't matter.
As long as I got
my fortune back, I'm happy.
Hey, Dave, is it--
Is it 5:00 yet?
No, sir. It's only 4:00.
Yeah, it is. I'm buying.
Let's go. Come on, son.
Come on.
I'll get drunk.
I'll catch up.
Ah.
[GROANS]
Max.
I see you ate
that tuna sandwich
that I left out
overnight.
Under a lamp.
Oh, God.
Uh-huh. Well. Max,
I think you've suffered enough.
Your break room privileges
are restored.
[GROANING]
Psych.
[♪]
[♪]