NewsRadio (1995–1999): Season 5, Episode 16 - Wino - full transcript

[SUBWAY TRUNDLING]

[MUTTERING]
Shoot!

[SIGHS]

[CONDUCTER ANNOUNCES
INDISTINCTLY OVER P.A.]

Excuse me.

Excuse me, can you break this
dollar for me, please?

Yoo-hoo.

What the hell are you doing?

I'm just breaking the, uh,
dollar for the news--

Help me. He's trying to take
my money. No.

No, no, I was breaking a dollar
for the newspapers.



I need it for the newsstand.
[ALL SHOUTING]

MAN:
Get back, all of you!

Oh, my God.
MAN: Make a way.

Oh, my God.

It's you.

[♪]

Listen up. Listen up,
everybody.

I got big news.

Real big news.

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

Okay.

Remember that guy,
that evil guy

who took over
Mr. James' business empire

and he got Mr. James
thrown into jail?



Johnny Johnson?
No, no, no, no.

The evil guy. The evil guy who
tried to take over the station

and he proposed to Lisa.

His name is Johnny Johnson.

Anyway, you will never guess

who I found
in the subway station

eating out of garbage.

Johnny Johnson?

Well, they guessed.

Come on in.

Uh, hey, gang.

Johnny, what happened
to you?

Well, it's a long story,
suffice it to say,

but, uh, I'm homeless now.
Drunk and ruined.

What's new with you guys?

I don't know what you're up to,
but you are most unwelcome here.

Yeah, look, I-- I know
that when I left here

I swore that I'd come back
someday

and make you all
my personal slaves.

Now, obviously,
that's not gonna happen, so...

uh, anybody got a quarter?

Yeah, here. I, uh...
I got a penny.

Thanks.

Hey, you're welcome.

Not.

Max.

Don't "Max" me.

I trusted you.
I thought you were my friend.

But you were just using me
as part of your evil scheme.

Wow, I feel about
3 feet tall.

So anybody else? Quarter?

You'll get no quarters here,
Johnny.

Yeah. No quarter given.

I think you should go,
Johnny.

Well, I'm sorry
you feel that way, Dave,

but I have some
unfinished business here.

But before we get into that,

does anybody have dibs
on this garbage?

No?

Lisa. Lisa, come here.

Look who's here.
Who?

Look.

Hey, sugar puss.

Remember? That's Johnny Johnson.
You almost married him.

Yeah. Yeah, of course
I-- I remember.

How you doing, Johnny?

He's a smelly bum now.

I'm a changed man, Lisa,

and I've come to make good
on my promise.

I want you to be my wife.

No kidding?

Well, it was great catching up.
But I ha-- I have some...

DAVE:
Uh, Johnny,

I don't want to have to call
Security, all right?

Hold on, Dave. I'm just
putting myself together.

You can't just walk in here
and expect Lisa to marry you.

Well, I'm not going away
empty-handed.

Which reminds me--

No, I don't have any change.

Maybe later.

Uh-huh.

So you're not-- You're not
just a-- A drunk, are you?

You're also insane.

You really got it
all going on, Johnny.

Looking back, what was the one
major obstacle

that kept me and Lisa apart?

I don't know.
Maybe it's the fact

that you're an evil bastard.

Exactly.

Guess what?
I'm not evil anymore.

Oh, really?
Well, congratulations.

What, did you use a patch
or something?

Dave, I learned more about honor
and courage on the streets

than I ever did
in any corporate boardroom.

In short, Dave,
I'm finally worthy of Lisa.

And now, nothing
stands in the way

of our perfect love match.

Except the fact you're
a smelly, homeless drunk.

No, we prefer the term "wino."

I'm sorry.

It's okay.

I'm not big on that p.c. stuff
myself.

[♪]

I can handle this. You guys
don't have to worry about me.

Be real. This is Johnny
we're talking about.

He's always working on
nine different levels.

Actually, no, I think Johnny's
only working on two levels.

The street and the subway.

[LAUGHS]

Well, there's only one way
to find out.

What's that?
Marry him.

That way he'll tell you
what he's up to.

I'm not going to marry him, Joe.

Not only did he break my heart,

he also happens to be
a drunken bum,

who will soon go away

and everything will be back
to normal.

Will you vultures
leave this woman alone?

I know you're just putting up
a brave front for these two.

It's okay. I understand.

I love Johnny too.

BOTH:
What?

Not like that.

She loved him as a woman.

I loved him as a fellow
macho man.

You're a macho man?

Yes.

You know, he does kind of look
like that Indian guy

from the Village People.

Now, your finer muscatels,
a dollar ninety-eight and up,

a little pricey
but they get you there.

Yeah, you--
You gets what you pays for.

Did I hear right?

Is there a certain
arch nemesis of mine

in this office here?

[BOTH LAUGH]

God, a-- Ho!

Johnny, son, you smell.

You see, Johnny lives
on the street now, sir.

Well, of course he lives
on the street.

Hm? You're not--?
You're not surprised?

No. That's what happens when you
empty a man's bank account

and ruin his credit rating.

Blackball him
so he can't ever get a job.

I call it my deluxe
severance package.

And, uh, Johnny, you're not
at all bitter about this?

No. Why should he be?
It's just business.

Don't you ever tangle
with this guy, Dave.

He will mess you up
but good.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Yeah.

So, what the hell
are you doing right now?

I'm a wino.
Oh.

Well, how's, uh--?
How's that treating you?

Funny you should ask.

Last week, I got elected
king of the winos.

Whoa! Hey, do you hear that,
Dave? King of the damn winos.

Boy, oh, boy.

Can't keep a good man down,
can you?

Just burns you up,
doesn't it?

Yeah. To a crisp.

I vowed to crush you,
Johnny.

And when Jimmy James crushes
a man, he usually stays crushed.

Well, don't blame yourself.

No, the only thing
that's kept me going

was knowing that I'll come back
and marry Lisa Miller.

Dave, I demand
that you call Security

and have Jerky Jerkson here

removed from this office
immediately.

Max, you can call Security
yourself.

No. They don't return my calls
anymore.

All right, look.
Just hold on for a sec.

Just-- Just hush up there, Max.

Now, did I hear right?
You came back to marry Lisa?

You got that right.

Well, that's--
That's entirely different.

See, yeah-- No, I vowed
to crush you, that's right,

but, you know, I'm a sucker.

I'm a sucker for the affairs
of the heart.

I mean, I got a-- I got
a stack of Harlequin romances,

like, this tall back
at the house, don't I, Max?

I'll tell you what
I'm gonna do.

I am gonna let bygones
be bygones.

In fact, I'm gonna help you
get back together with Lisa.

Mr. James, he hasn't suffered
nearly enough.

Ah, don't worry, Max.
Jimmy's only offering to help

because he thinks Lisa won't
have anything to do with me

and then I'll end up
more crushed than I already am.

Whoa, what are you--?
What are you talking about?

That's-- That's crazy.

That's just crazy talk.

[♪]

Lisa, I just want to tell you
that I've dated a lot of guys

who are lower than
Johnny Johnson is right now.

And they are plenty attractive.

You've dated guys
lower than Johnny?

There's a lot more
to working in a shelter

than ladling out the soup.

Beth, look, it's over.
It's just over, okay?

Lisa.

Hi, Johnny.

Do you want a quarter?

Yes, but that's not
why I came here.

Go on.

Tell her
what you told us.

I know that you probably
hate me.

I don't blame you.

But believe me,
never a day goes by

without my thoughts
turning to you.

Even as I battle stray dogs
for scraps of meat

in urine-soaked alleys,

all I can think of
is Lisa Miller.

Oh, Johnny.

Gee, I can't believe
that didn't work.

I thought you could've sold it
more.

Yeah. Here, just-- Just have
a drink. Loosen up a little bit.

There you go. You're the king
of the winos, aren't you?

King of the winos.

[♪]

Well, well, well.
Look at the new duds.

It looks like a certain wino's
been saving his quarters.

Jimmy got me these.

He said I needed to work
on my presentation.

He's been real helpful
in that area. Solid guy.

He's setting me up, but still,
I gave him props.

Yeah, that's nice.

Getting a little spiffed up
for Lisa.

Isn't that sweet?

Okay, cut the act, pal.

We know you're evil

and we got all the evidence
right here.

Chump, you are
capital B, busted.

What?

We decided to investigate
your innocent act.

Busted!

After extensive investigation,

including interviews
with other winos

at your subway stop...

At the cost
of dozens of quarters

which, I might add, was my whole
Laundromat collection--

...we have determined
that among your few possessions

was this incriminating
library book.

And it's overdue.

"The 7 Habits
of Highly Effective People."

It is our contention you planned
on utilizing these habits

for your new attack
on Jimmy James, Incorporated.

Overdue!

Joe, in the index
to this book,

which I found
and used as a pillow,

is there a listing
for fortified wine, drinking of?

No.

Would the seven habits
of highly effective people

include eating
out of trash cans

or sleeping in one's clothes?

No, but sleeping
in your clothes

probably would save
a lot of time.

Well, gentlemen,
I rest my case.

Yeah, that's right.
He's-- He's right in there.

He's putting on a new suit.
He's getting all worked up

to propose to you
and everything.

This is just sad.

I know.

Now, go in there
and put him out of his misery.

You just want me
to break his heart.

Lisa, I know a certain
homeless person

that's looking pretty good.

Thanks, Matthew.

JOE:
Come on, freak.

[GROANS]

Okay, fine. I'll talk to him.
I'll talk to him.

But it's for his benefit,
not yours.

Yeah, yeah.
Absolutely.

That's really good--
You go in there.

[LAUGHS]

Squish!

Oh, for God's sakes,
let this end mercifully.

Uh, no-- No, wait. Wait-- Wait,
don't go, no, don't, no, don't.

Well, I guess she decided
to let him down easy.

[♪]

Well, that was exceedingly
awkward.

Yeah. I mean,
that was-- She--

She was supposed
to turn him away

and thus crush him.

It was a good plan, Mr. James.

Yeah.

The problem was merely
that Lisa wasn't up to the job.

Uh-huh. Meaning?

Meaning I should have been
the one to break his heart.

Dave, don't you see
what's gonna happen now, huh?

No, I-- I mean, Johnny's
gonna get Lisa back.

He's gonna regain
his self-esteem.

He's gonna kick the booze

and then you know
what's gonna happen?

He's gonna take over my company.

I'm gonna be living
in a flophouse in the Bowery.

S-sir, I really don't think you
have anything to worry about.

Dave, I don't look good poor.

Well, anyway, I said to him,
you know,

"I'm not panhandling,
I'm begging.

There's a difference."
[BOTH LAUGH]

Oh, Johnny.

Oh, jeez.

Um, Lisa?

Oh, hi, Dave.

Hi. Yeah-- Could I speak to you
in my office for just a moment?

Sure.
Great.

Wait for you right here,
darling.

I won't be long.

I'll count the seconds.

Do you promise?
Cross my heart.

You can cross my heart too,
because now it's yours.

Get rid of him, Dave.

Huh?

He's destroying me,
bit by bit, inch by inch,

and I want him gone now.

You've been drinking his wine,
haven't you?

No.
Huh...?

Well, yes. A little bit.

But that's not it.
That's not it.

I just can't say "no" to him.

I mean, my brain
wants to say "no"

but my mouth just keeps saying,
"Oh, Johnny."

Okay, what did he do?
Did he beg?

No.
Did he give you a quarter?

No. I'm afraid
he didn't have to.

I wanted to let him down easy.

But the minute I look
into those big brown eyes

it's like a tractor beam
for my tongue.

Yuck.

I'm gonna have to back that up.

The minute I look at him,

I just forget about
all the pain he caused me

and how long it took me
to get over him,

and I just want to--

Put your tongue in his mouth.
Got that part.

I can't help myself.

I mean, it's just
his eyes and his shoulders

and that smell.

He smells like vomit.

[♪]

Oh, here come the cowboys.

Opes quad, amigos.

[CLEARS THROAT]
Um, Johnny,

I know you're all right.

But Joe here seems to think

that you might still be
a little bit evil.

Oh, you think that?

It's a working hypothesis.

Let me tell you something, Joe.
Uh, evil makes a terrific hobby

but as a lifestyle,
it's just too damn frightening.

I used to come home from work

and all I could do was just veg
out in front of the idiot box.

That's good. See?

All right.

But I better not catch you
trying to muscle in

on Mr. James' business again

or it's gonna be
price-club time.

Price club?

Yeah, because when I open up

a can of whoop-ass on somebody,
it's industrial-sized.

Understood.

Guys, do you mind if I talk to
Johnny for a moment?

Yeah, but take it easy on him.
He seems to be pretty reformed.

Johnny's Jewish?

[CLEARS THROAT]

Where's Lisa?

Johnny, I think you should
just forget about Lisa.

Why is that?

Johnny, you should leave,
all right?

It'll be best for everyone.

Dave, how can you ask me
to leave heaven

when I can still taste it
on my lips?

It's salty, warm.

Never dull. That's Lisa.

Yeah, or it's microwave popcorn.

Yeah. I hope you don't mind.

No, of course not,
Johnny.

Now, Johnny, I-- I do believe
that you've reformed

and I'm-- And I'm really glad
for you.

But it's just not gonna happen
with you and Lisa, all right?

Says you.

Says Lisa.

Why hasn't she said that
to my face?

Well, apparently it has
something to do

with the way you smell.

Well, Dave, I don't know
why you'd lie to me,

but I'm afraid this is something
I'm gonna have to hear

from the woman herself.

Oh, God. I just don't get it.

Uh, baby, come out.
We need to talk.

Hi, Johnny.

Honeybunch, uh, Dave says you
don't really want to be with me.

Tell him.

BOTH:
Tell him. Tell him. Tell him.

Honeybunch?

Yes, it's true, Johnny. Go away.
I don't want you anymore.

Why?

Look, I know. Yes, we-- We--
We did once have something

but that's over now.
And-- And you hurt me.

And I have to protect myself.

I would never
hurt you again.

Oh.

I know. But-- No. Uh, no.

Just our-- Our paths
have diverged, you know?

I'm-- I'm a journalist
and you're a wino.

Oh, baby, I'm the king.
I got responsibilities.

Just get out of here,
Johnny.

What?

Go. Scram.

Wow, Lisa.

[CHUCKLES]

That was cold.

Don't you have any feelings?

What did you go
and do that for?

What? I did exactly
what you wanted me to do.

I told you
to crush his spirit not...

[WHIMPERS]
...break his heart.

You took a guy
who was at the bottom

and then you dug
a new deeper bottom.

And then you pushed him in that.

Poor old, lovable wino.

You better find yourself
a roommate, Lisa,

because I don't know
how you can live with yourself.

[♪]

Hi, Johnny.

Lisa. What are you doing here?

Matthew told me
where to find you.

Is she a friend of yours,
Johnny?

No, Freddie,
I'm just a bum to her.

You got a quarter, lady?

Johnny, I'm sorry that I was
so harsh with you.

I-- I'm sorry.

Apology accepted.
You got a quarter?

You know, this is hard
for me too.

I mean, can't we just
be friends?

Well, it's like offering
a steak-lover a cocktail weenie

but I guess.

Well, this is where he was
before.

JIMMY:
Right over here?

What are you doing here?

Um, we wanted to come down
and apologize to Johnny.

Uh, we treated you
pretty shabbily.

ALL:
Sorry. We're sorry, Johnny.

Thanks. Now, if you'll
excuse me,

I would like
to kiss a friend goodbye.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Mwah.

Johnny?

Yeah, babe?

Marry me, you bum.

Come on, boys.

[♪]