NewsRadio (1995–1999): Season 4, Episode 1 - Jumper - full transcript

Morning.
Morning.

- How we doin' today?
- I've been better.

I hear that.
So, is there anything I can help you with?

No. I'm just
getting ready to jump.

Sounds like a plan.

You know what?
I'm gonna top off this coffee. Can I get you anything?

No, I'm good.
Thanks.

Okeydoke.

Dial 911.
I can't.

- Why not?
- My phone's not working. - Then why are you holding it?

I was trying to look busy
in case you walked by and wanted me to do some real work.



Hello?
Who's screwin' with the phones?

Oh, it's you.
What's up, dude?

I'm rewirin' the phones
for speed dial,

so if you have to call 911
you don't have to push a whole lot of buttons.

I do have to call
911 immediately.

Use this.
Ah. All right. Thanks.

[ Beeping ]
[ Sleigh Bells Jingling ]

Joe, this is not
helping me to look busy.

This isn't even
a cell phone, is it? It used to be.

No. No, no, no, no.
Absolutely not. I never said that.

No, you're conflating
two completely different conversations.

I am not a liar.

You're saying I'm a liar.
I never said you were lying.

I distinctly remember
we were standing by the elevators--



What can I do for you,
sweetie?

I need to
use your phone.

Look, I'll call you back.
Dave needs my phone.

I don't know why.
You ask him.

Why do you need
Catherine's phone? Yeah.

Listen, everyone, we have an
emergency and I need someone to dial 911 immediately.

Oh, my God.
I'm on it. I'm on it. Thank you.

Oops. Hang on. Hang on.
I got it. I got it. I got it. All right. Okay.

Okay, got it.
All right.

Anything?

Matthew, this is 411.
Information.

Which is close enough.
All right?

Hi. Yes. Manhattan, please.
Can you connect me to the police?

Mm-mmm. No. I can get it!
I can get it! What are you doing?

Ooh! I don't know.
I can't. You know what? I'm an idiot. I know!

Hello. Hi.
My name is Dave Nelson.

I'm on the 14th floor
of the Criterion Building at 1460 Madison.

There is a man on my ledge
who says he's going to jump.

Yes, 1460 Madison.

Thank you.

Hello, Police? Yeah.
Someone just made a crank call from this office,

saying something about
a jumper at 1460 Madison.

I'm sorry. That was
my little boy, Davey.

Yeah, yeah.
There's no jumper here. No need to send police.

[ Chuckles ]
Yeah, he is a cutie, but what a handful.

Okay, you have
a nice day too.

Tell Joe to get me a safety
harness, some sturdy rope and a microphone...

with enough cable
to reach the ledge outside Dave's office.

Then get ready
to go live on the air with a breaking story.

If the pigs show up,
just say Bill McNeal has the situation under control.

One more time.
Tell Joe to get me a safety harness--

Hey, hey, hey!
Where you going?

I'm on it, dude.

No, this is not
a crank call.

There really is a man
on my ledge threatening to jump.

Wh-- I am not
a naughty little boy! What?

David, there's a man
on your ledge threatening to jump.

I'm aware of that.
Well, somebody should call 411.

Look, will you hold on
a second?

Hey, would you stop
staring at that man? You're gonna scare him.

He's not even
looking this way, Dave.

Whoa!

Who hung this up?
Who hung up the phone?

Dave, I got that
speed dial workin'.

For 911,
you press star-37.

Bill,
what are you doing?

I'm gonna go out there and talk
this poor, miserable bastard off that ledge, live on the air.

Start the promos.

Bill, nobody is going out
on that ledge.

We're gonna wait
for the police to get here and take care of it.

It's too late, Dave.
I'm in the harness. Brace yourself.

Joe, do you have any idea
what you're doing?

As a matter of fact, I do.
I'm tryin' to figure out how to tie a knot.

I can't
let you go out there. It's just too dangerous.

I'm sorry. I know
you wanna be a hero, but-- Oh, I'm not a hero.

Just a man with a microphone
and a harness...

that's extraordinarily
tight around the crotch.

Could you loosen it up
a little?

Okay, Bill,
take off the harness.

Let go of the rope, Dave.
You're too valuable for me to let you risk your life.

That's not what you said
when I was trying to get a raise last month.

And you're
a good personal friend.

That's not what you said
when I wanted to borrow 500 bucks from you last week.

I'm sorry about that,
Bill, but still, I'm not gonna let go.

Dave, unhand me,
good sir!

[ Matthew Groans ]
Hey, Matthew.

Do you know there's a guy
standin' on the ledge outside your window there?

Yes, sir, and I have the
situation firmly in hand. Oh. Okay.

[ Rope Sliding ]

Oh, sir, could you
help me grab this rope?

Nah.
Hmm?

What's happening
to me?

Don't worry, son.
Just relax. Everything's gonna be just fine.

Dave, what is
happening to him?

Beth, do you have
the key to my door?

Yeah. It's in
the top right-hand corner of your desk.

If you should get pulled under
there, do you mind opening the door from the other side?

What?

Nothing.
Here, here.

Come on.
[ Groans ]

There. You okay?
Yeah. It just all happened so fast.

Yeah.
Matthew.

[ Gasping, Yelling ]
Eww!

You're sure that's
going to hold?

Yeah.

All right.
Here goes nothing.

Beautiful day, huh?
Looks like it might rain.

Nah, it's just a light fog
that should burn off by midafternoon...

as a high pressure system
moves in,

which means it'll be crisp
and clear tomorrow with lows in the mid-50s.

So if you're going out,
be sure to take a jacket.

Hey, you're Bill McNeal,
aren't you?

- Why, yes, I am.
Why do you ask? - Don't you try and grab me.

[ Laughs ]
Don't you try to grab me either.

Why would I try to grab you?

It's a common reaction when fans
meet me for the first time.

Oh.

Hey, you know,
one time I saw Dan Rather gettin' out of a cab,

and I ran over to him
and I kissed him on the lips.

Ah, to be young again.

So what brings you
to this neck of the ledge?

I have a statement
I wanna read on the air, or I'm going to jump.

Statement?
Boy, that's a toughie.

We'd need a microphone
for that.

Excellent.
I just happen to have a spare one right here.

Bill, can I have
a word with you?

Excuse me.
This won't take but a moment.

Don't go anywhere.
[ Laughs ]

Are we on the air yet?
No, and we're not going on the air.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Why?
Why aren't we goin' live? This is great radio.

- This is not great radio.
- Exactly. This is a disaster waiting to happen.

If there was some sort of
dramatic helicopter rescue, maybe that would be great radio.

I think you're missing
the fundamental issue here.

You're right. Helicopter rescues
have been done to death.

Is there any way
we could get a blimp?

A blimp? No!

The main appeal of this story
is... that it costs me absolutely nothing.

He's just a normal guy
who got fired from his job.

He wants to read
a statement on the air.

- It's not political
at all, is it? - No.

Shoot.

'Cause if we could get
Janet Reno in a blimp, we could even beat Howard Stern.

No. Janet Reno
costs at least $50,000.

What's his statement
about?

You know,
about how the little man-- no offense, Dave--

is treated shabbily
by the bean-counting corporate fat cats.

No offense, Jim.

I am not gonna go live
with a man jumping to his death.

That kind of sensationalism is
no better than those video shows about animals attacking humans.

Did you see the one where
the grizzly takes a bite out of the guy's head...

like he's eatin'
a big, pink apple?

Hey, I knew that dude.

Hey. Am I gonna get to
read my statement or not?

We're debating that
right now. I got an idea.

You tell them
that if I don't get to read my statement,

then I'm gonna jump,

and you are gonna
set yourself on fire.

I think that's too gruesome.
Why don't we just stick with you jumping?

You're probably right,
but let's hurry it up. I haven't got all day! Go!

Come on.
He's getting impatient.

If that man
jumps to his death, we're responsible.

If Bill can clip
the safety line to him, he won't be able to jump.

- What safety line?
- There's a safety line on Bill's harness.

If he can clip it to
the guy's belt, the rope will keep him from fallin' too far.

And that rope will hold
both of 'em?

- Yeah.
- Good. Fine.

If you can clip
the safety line to him, we'll put you on the air.

All right.
We're almost ready to go live. Let me just prep you a little.

Speak loudly and clearly.
No profanities.

Incorporate my name--
Bill McNeal-- into your remarks at least twice.

Why would I have to do that?
Some kind of F.C.C. regulation or something.

Now, do you know how
to warm up your voice? No.

♪ Le-le, la-la, lo ♪
Come on. With me.

♪ Le-le, la-la, lo ♪
♪ Le-le, la, le ♪

That's enough.
Now, this is the microphone. Don't touch it.

Are you wearing
rubber-soled shoes? No.

All right. Turn around.

I'm gonna hook you up to
our ground wire in case there are any lightning strikes.

There we go.
No problem.

Now, if you get nervous,
just imagine that your listener is completely nude.

I'm supposed to imagine
that you're nude?

Well, don't do that.
That's just perverted.

If you get nervous, just say,
"Thank you, Bill McNeal, for helping me through this."

Scout's honor?
Oh, but of course. We're ready out here.

Bill, come back inside.

Did you hook up
the safety line? Shh! Yes.

And don't forget--
Holy crap!

You're on your own,
son.

This is Bill McNeal
broadcasting live...

from the ledge
of a window...

14 floors above the cold,
hard asphalt below.

Thank you, Bill.
I was recently fired-- A lone man.

Sad, despondent,
alone... man...

reaches out for help
and finds Bill McNeal.

What is your name, sir?
Mike Johnson.

Nice to meet you, Mike.
Nice to meet--

Mike has a statement that
he's been hoping to make-- [ Screams ]

[ Wood Creaking ]

Huh.

Bill!

Dave, I was wrong,
you were right.

This was, indeed,
a bad idea. Reel us in now.

You guys okay down there?
We're fine. Couldn't be better.

Ready to be
reeled in now.

Hang on a sec.

Hey, it's a good thing you
didn't set yourself on fire, or we'd both be in trouble.

I'm not speaking to you.

I'm ready to reel you guys in.
Either one of you carrying any extra weight?

Yeah, this guy
strapped to my back's gotta be 200 pounds, easy.

'Cause if you're carrying
any extra weight, now'd be the time to dump it.

Wait a minute.
Are you saying this rope might not be strong enough?

[ Creaking ]
No. But any little bit'll help.

Empty your pockets,
dump off your shoes, everything.

What will become
of my shoes? Don't worry about it.

We got a guy down on the street
who volunteered to catch everything you guys throw.

Matthew?
Of course.

Standard operating
procedure.

All right.
Any other dead weight? Just the microphone.

Well, drop it.
Wait a minute.

I'm hanging here
14 floors up...

with a guy attached
to my harness-- which is on the verge of neutering me--

and now you wanna take
my story away?

Dude, just drop it.
Actually, he shouldn't.

Why not?

Because I have these.

What are those for?

To cut the rope
in case you try to reel us in...

before I read
my statement.

[ Laughs ] It's gonna
take a lot more than a pair of scissors to cut this rope.

Right, Joe?

Right?

I'll be right back.

Why would you possibly
put a pair of scissors in your pocket?

B.P.
"Be prepared."

Boy Scout motto.
Weren't you in Boy Scouts?

No. What exactly
do scissors help you be prepared for?

In case I get arrested,
to cut the handcuffs. Handcuffs are made of steel!

So are scissors!

He's a sad, lonely guy,
basically.

He's very sad, hurting,
reaching out.

But, you know,
these things happen sometimes. What else could I do?

I'm sure your ex-boyfriend will
get over it with time, but can you tell us about the jumper?

Oh, I don't know
anything about that guy. Seems like a wacko though, huh?

Thanks, sweetheart.
That's real good. Real good.

Folks, I got a short statement
I'd like to read here, if that's all right.

Obviously, we have
a very-- uh, very grave situation here at WNYX.

The man, whoever he is,
is deeply upset,

and what is disturbing him
we-- we don't yet know.

But we here at WNYX
believe...

he has the right
to be heard right here on WNYX.

And we will bring you
that statement live as it happens.

Thank you very much.

"Followed immediately
by traffic and weather with WNYX's own Catherine Duke."

Tell him we're gonna
go live on the air, but tell him to behave.

If he gets weird,
I'm gonna hit the kill switch immediately.

All right.
You got it.

I can handle the kill switch
on my own, thank you. Yeah, right.

If it were up to you,
Bill wouldn't even be hanging from that rope.

Welcome back to
Crisis on the 14th Floor, a WNYX exclusive.

♪ [ Dramatic Sting ]
Crisis on the 14th Floor,

brought to you
by Crazy Eric's Discount Electronics.

Crazy Eric.
He's clinically insane for savings.

[ Bill ]
Thank you, Catherine. Love that Crazy Eric.

I'm reporting live from the end
of a long rope 12 and a half floors above 59th Street.

And now, without further ado,
here's a man who's at the end of his own rope,

a man who could not
take it anymore.

Say hello to suicidal jumper
Mike Johnson.

Thank you, Bill.

"I was recently fired
from my job.

"I don't blame
my supervisor or my coworkers,

"even though
they were all a bunch of jerks and liars...

"who claimed
I was hostile.

"Because the real villain
in my sad little story...

"is the man who owns
the company that fired me--

a certain
Jimmy James"--

[ Steady Beep ]
I've never seen you move that fast before.

I conserve my energy
for moments like this.

That jumper dude
wants to know why he's not on the air anymore.

Oh, I don't know.
Tell him the transmitter got knocked over...

by some gigantic
wild birds or somethin'.

Excuse me,
but the news crews just lost their feed and I was--

Bill didn't fall
or anything? No, no. It's all right.

They're fine.
Oh, okay. They're not dead!

[ Reporters Groaning ]
Mr. James, let go of the kill switch.

Dave, I didn't buy
a radio station to give an open forum to any yahoo...

who's got a beef
to pick with me.

Well, Mr. James,
right now my primary concern is Bill's safety,

and his life is literally
hanging from a strand of Joe's homemade rope.

You're gonna have to let
that guy make his statement. Wait a minute.

Could we save Bill
and cut the wacko loose? I'm on it.

Good.
No, you're not!

There is a way
that we can turn this all around and make you look like a hero.

Do I have to
wear a costume? No.

- Oh, geez!
- Okay, listen.

Tell the guy
that if he lets us reel him in, you'll give him his job back...

live, out there, on TV.

See, that way you look good,
it promotes the station, and it, uh--

Saves two lives.
Right. Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

I like it.
Let's do it. You got it.

Okay. But, Joe, please,
don't do that "falling out the window backwards" thing.

- It makes me really nervous.
- Oh. All right. Sorry.

Thanks.

All right, dude.
So here's the deal.

We're gonna put you on TV, and
Mr. James is gonna spontaneously give you your job back.

Yea!
Yea.

All right.
So we got a deal?

Can I trust you?
This isn't a trick? I promise.

Scout's honor?

Yeah. Scout's honor.
I knew it. You were never a scout.

Sure I was.
Bill will vouch for me. Right, Bill?

Eagle Scout, decorated
by Admiral Douglas MacArthur himself.

Yeah.

A scout is trustworthy,
loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous,

kind, obedient, cheerful,
thrifty and-- finish it.

What?
Finish it.

A virgin?
I knew it. It's a trick.

You're no scout.
No dice.

Don't ask me to explain,
but was anybody here ever a Boy Scout?

Hi. I'm Dave Nelson,
the news director.

I promise that
if you come back in,

we'll put you on TV
and Mr. James will spontaneously decide...

to give you a new job
with full medical, dental and a 10% raise in pay.

Scout's honor?
Yes. I make you this pledge...

as I once pledged
to keep myself physically strong,

mentally awake
and morally straight.

Well, if you
can't trust a scout, who can you trust?

Right on.
Do a good turn daily and all that sort of thing.

Well, I should probably
be going now.

I guess I won't
be needing these anymore, huh?

No. Matthew,
look out!

[ Cheering ]

How would you like
to come back to work for Jimmy James Incorporated?

Yea!
All right! Let's make it official.

I need you
to sign right-- Here.

Yeah.
Here.

Uh-huh.
And here.

You got a passport,
Mike? No.

Smile.
Am I going somewhere?

Do you want to?
Sure!

All right! Then I want you
to sign right there. Look at that.

Well, there you
have it, folks.

Another happy ending
from the good people at Jimmy James Incorporated.

Okay, people,
the show's over, but if you'll follow me,

I can show you the ledge
where the nutjob almost bought it.

Yeah, thank you, sweetheart.
Well, I've just got to say, uh, welcome aboard.

I guess I should say
welcome aboard again, huh?

Oh, yeah.
Hey, thanks. Yeah.

Listen, I'm sorry if--
No, don't even think about it. Don't worry about it.

Anyone would've done
the same thing in your position. Well, look at that.

Say, where am I goin'?
Hey, they'll tell you that in the helicopter.

Oh. A helicopter?
Oh, yea. Uh-huh.

Yeah!

Helicopter?
Yeah, helicopter takes him to the jet.

And the jet
takes him to? Siberia.

Oh, come on.

You don't have
any companies in Siberia.

Whoops.

Feel any better, Bill?

Still a little dizzy.
Yeah, me too.

And, Dave?
Uh-huh?

Thank you for, you know,
savin' my life and all that.

My pleasure.
You're a good friend.

As are you.
Can I borrow $500?

No.
It was worth a shot.

You know what would feel
really good right now? What?

Going downstairs,
getting outside and lying flat on our backs...

on some cold, hard
New York asphalt.

What the hell
are we waitin' for? Let's do it.

Ow!