NewsRadio (1995–1999): Season 3, Episode 19 - Office Feud - full transcript

Whassup, y'all?

Whassup, y'all?
Brother Bill McNeal

in your ears,
up your--

Whassup, y'all?
Bill McNeal here.

Bill?

Hey, Catherine, let me ask you.

Would you read "Whassup?"
as an upbeat cheery salutation,

or more of a low,
whispered greeting

among intimates
like "whassup."

What are you talking about?

Well, I'm doing these live ads
for a new sponsor and--



Oh, woops, time to start.

[MUSIC PLAYS ON RADIO]

[DEEP VOICE]
Whassup, y'all?

Bill McNeal sayin'
there's a party all up in here,

and you need to get
with the flow.

Oh, yeah!
Rocket Fuel Malt Liquor's

got the heavyweight power.

Whether you got
the ee-yotch to rip it up

to some fat booty beats,
or just chill with the honeys.

So get on the rocket
and see the stars.

Rocket Fuel Malt Liquor.

Damn!

Well?

Oh, my Lord.



Ha, ha, ha.
Billy Dee Williams, watch out.

[♪]

[CLUNKING FROM UPSTAIRS]

[CLUNKING CONTINUES]

Dave, I don't think the office
is the right place for you

to be rehearsing
your one-man show of Cabaret.

No, sir, you see, there was--

Yeah, I believe you.
I believe you.

Look, turn on the feed,
would you?

It's almost time for Lisa's live
remote from the White House.

I do not want to miss
a second of this.

Why are you
so excited by this?

I mean, she's just covering
the Easter egg roll

from the White House.

And-uh-wha-huh?

Only the White House
Easter egg roll.

Dave, it is the most magical,
most wonderful, national ritual

this country has to offer.

[BLATHERS]

I went every year
till I got banned.

Banned?
What for?

Well, I had
a little too much punch

and called the First Lady
"Hot Lips."

I'm going to assume
this wasn't during

the Reagan administration.

No, no, no.
Rosalyn Carter.

Tell you the truth,
I think she sort of dug it.

Yeah.
Yeah.

Still, she had you banned.

Yeah, well.

I also had a little too much
Billy Beer

and took a whiz
in the rose garden.

LISA [ON RADIO]:
This is Lisa Miller reporting live from the White House

Easter egg roll.

With me
is one of the young revelers

who make this
one of the most exciting events

of the Washington social season.

What's your name?

Pantyhose.
Okay, Timmy.

I know that's your name.
Timmy. How old are you?

Pantyhose.

All right, Timmy--
Pantyhose. Pantyhose.

Pantyhose.
Pantyhose. Hello.

Underpants.
We're not on the air anymore.

Okay, do you need me
for anything else? Nope.

That ought to do it.
Bye-bye.

Bye.

Oh, jeez,
how could she screw that up?

I mean, it's a no-brainer.

No, sir, if it was a no-brainer,
I would have sent Matthew.

Yeah, yeah.

If you would've sent Matthew,

you would have had two people

yelling pantyhose
on the air.

[CLUNKING UPSTAIRS]

The hell's the deal
with that, Dave?

Uh, some new people moved
in upstairs about a week ago.

Yeah, they're kind of noisy.

Some sort of nonprofit
environmentalist group--

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I'm sorry. A what?

Nonprofit
environmentalist group.

Dave, that's repugnant.

Environmentalists?

No, no, the other thing.

Oh, nonprofit.
Ow!

It hurts me!
All right.

That hurts
my stomach. Sorry.

Just thinkin' about that.
Nonprofit organization.

Dave, even the name's
an oxymoron.

Oh, right.
You mean like, um,

military intelligence?

Right, right.

Or, uh, Swiss cheese.

Well, sir, I'm on it.

Good, good.

Go on.
Make the call.

That noise is driving
everybody nuts.

Get used to it.
I am not calling to complain.

I don't want our new neighbors
to think I'm some kind of bitch.

Who cares what kind of bitch
they think you are?

Oh, God, you know,
I bet they're really cute.

Out there saving grizzly bears
and antelopes all day

with sweat trickling down
their tawny, suntanned cheeks--

Give me the phone.

Try to mention that there's
a spunky redhead in this office.

Okay?

I don't know how
to say this,

but there's a spunky redhead
in every office.

Tell me about it.

Try to be polite, okay?

All right, all right.

Hi.
Yeah.

Hi, I'm calling from downstairs.
The 14th floor. Hi.

Yeah, I was just wondering
if you guys could find a way

[SHOUTING]
to shut the hell up!

Representin'
Rocket Fuel Malt Liquor,

this is Bill McNeal!

What's that
you're workin' on there?

Nothin' important.

Just gettin' ready to kick
some mad flava in your ear.

Oh, is that like
a wet willie?

No.
Oh.

Can I help you,
anyway?

Sure, pal.

Can you take care of this
for me?

I gotta get back to the booth.
Yeah.

Yeow!

Yah!

Ow!

[ELEVATOR DINGS]

[SIGHS]

That's good!
That's funny!

Seems those yogurt suckers
upstairs wanna play hardball.

Are you trying
to shave your chest?

No.

Somebody booby-trapped
the fire extinguisher.

You know, I wonder
if any of those guys up there

got into environmentalism
because they have trust funds

and they don't have to actually
work for a living,

and if so, are they single?

That would explain a lot.

Snot-nosed little trust fund
jerks who have always relied on

Jeeves the butler to clean up

after their little
fire extinguisher high jinks.

You know, even a single butler
would be fine

if he had pool privileges.

[♪]

BILL:
Although there were no serious injuries, property damage

is expected to run
into the millions.

WNYX news time, 11:23.

Back in one minute
for Lisa Miller,

live from the White House
Easter egg roll.

Whassup, y'all?

Bill McNeal
rockin' the mike again,

cold representin'
Rocket Fuel Malt Liquor.

It's got the mad flava
that takes any situation

to the next level.

So when the party
starts bouncin'

and the ladies
start bumpin',

tighten up your flow
with Rocket Fuel.

Rocket Fuel Malt Liquor.
Damn!

What?

I thought you had a policy
about not endorsing any product

you don't personally use.

I do, and I do personally use
Rocket Juice.

Rocket Fuel.

Rocket Fuel.

You know,
this is shameless, Bill.

And the way you're trying
to talk and sound like...

Like I don't know what
you're trying to sound like.

Oh, I see.

You're obviously threatened
by my ability to reach out

to the common man
in the language of the streets.

I am nothing but embarrassed
to hear you

trying to talk street like that.

Although these ads
may be written

in a frank street patois,

I believe they appeal
to a rainbow of consumers.

JIMMY:
Hey, Cathy.

Cathy, Lisa hasn't been on yet,
has she?

No she hasn't.

Oh, good, good.

Bill, could you set me up
with some headphones?

You know, Jimmy,
you don't have to be

in here to hear this.

Yeah, I know.

I wanna get as close
to the action as possible.

Why didn't you
just go to the event?

Ah, I can't.
I've been banned from it.

What happened?

Well, you know,
just a little misunderstanding

with Rosalyn Carter and...Billy

and, uh...

I sort of stole a souvenir

from the Lincoln bedroom.

Like an ashtray.

No, a couch.

Okay, what's your favorite part
about coming to the White House?

My Dad's a congressman.

Oh, is he?
Which one?

Not tellin'.

Okay.
Are you having fun today?

A Korean man gave my dad
a big boat for free.

What's your dad's name?

Not tellin'.

What party does he belong to?

He belongs to the Korean man.

Which Korean man?
The one that owns my dad.

Right. But what's
your dad's name?

Pantyhose.
Ooh.

Matthew, I want a list
of every congressman with a kid

between the ages of four
and eleven, all right?

Oh, Dave, Dave, Dave.

This country doesn't
give a tinker's damn

about corrupt politicians.

It's like what I told
Woodward and Bernstein

in the parking garage.
Ah, when was this?

Oh, you know,
back there in Watergate

when I was Deep Throat.

You see, the point is,
I sent her there

for eggs and bunnies.

I'm sorry, sir,
but I think a political scandal

beats bunnies.

You keep up that attitude, Dave,

you're gonna get
your you-know-what

caught in the big fat ringer.

How can you do an ad
for a product

that you will never
in a million years use?

Hey, did I complain when you
did ads for adult diapers, no.

And do you wear adult diapers?

Well?

Of course not.
Just checking.

So isn't it a little
hypocritical to attack me

when you're actually a shill
for the incontinence industry?

No.

Because if the time comes
when I do wear adult diapers,

I will wear them
with the dignity and confidence

made possible by the good people
at Underpinnings Incorporated.

Thank you very much.

Well, same here.

When Rocket Fuel
is an appropriate drink,

I gladly serve it.

Is that so.

So, what does it taste like?

Oh, how to describe
such a robust brew?

Let me see.

It's a hardy,
full-bodied beverage

with hints of apple skin
and wood smoke.

And donkey urine.

No, the exact opposite,
actually.

Maybe you and I
should wet our beaks

with a little
Rocket Fuel sometime.

Certainly, my dear.
I'd like that very much.

Damn.

Oh, yeah.

Joe, alls I'm saying
is that one of those cute guys

up there could be
the future love of my life.

What are you talking about?
How do you know they're cute?

And how do you know
they're gonna be

the future loves
of your life?

[MICROWAVE BEEPS]

Is that you?

I don't think so.

Oh!
That's funny!

That's great!
You tree-huggin' freaks!

Oh, tree-hugging freaks.
That's so cute.

They are so cute!

You know, Catherine,

as much as I'd love
to sample Rocket Fuel,

I-I-I don't think this is
really the time or the place.

Why don't we just find a bar
after work.

They don't serve this at bars.

They serve it under bridges
and on street corners.

Really?

I'll have to inquire
about our local distributors.

This will be perfect.

We'll share a civilized drink

in a familiar,
comfortable environment.

Well, I guess it couldn't hurt
to have just a sip.

Of course not.

Well, then...
Salud, Catherine.

Wow!

Wow is right.
That's some smooth drinkin'.

You know, perhaps
I've misjudged you, Bill.

And Rocket Fuel.

Let's have another.

All right.
Another.

Down the hatch.

Again, salud.

[GAGS]

Damn!

She looks like quite a woman,
Dave.

She must be a wonderful mother.

Bill, that's Lisa.

This one's my mother.

Oh.

Now I don't feel so bad about
trying to picture her naked.

Bill, what's that
I'm smelling?

[CRASHING UPSTAIRS]

Could you do something about
that construction above us?

Some of us are trying
to concentrate.

Mm-hm. Uh--

Bill.

Bill?

You know, my mother avoided
all physical contact.

Something to do with germs,
she said.

The, uh, malt liquor people,

did they by any chance
send over some free samples?

I beg your pardon?

And perhaps I couldn't hear you
above that infernal racket,

but are you insinuating
that I've been drinking?

[CHUCKLES]

I demand an apology, sir!

I'm sorry, Bill.

Now, can I have
that picture back?

Thank you.

Now...

there's work to be done.

[RATTLING HANDLE]

Oh, Bill that--
That's the kind you pull.

Oh.

Now there's work to be done.

[BANGING UPSTAIRS]

[LOUD CRASH]

Oh, Bill,

you don't look so great.

Maybe our little tasting party
was a bad idea.

Nonsense.

The malt liquor was delicious
and refreshing.

Good.

Because I have some ideas
about how to fix

your Rocket Fuel spots.
What's wrong with 'em?

Well, they just sound
a little inauthentic.

That's absurd.
Those spots are very authentic.

Oh, get real.

That "What's up, y'all" stuff
is all played out.

I don't know who's writing your
material, but it's very VH1.

Strictly illz-nidiotic.

"Illz-nidiotic"?

Yeah, illz-nidiotic.

You never heard that one?

No. Not--
Now, what does that mean?

Oh, never mind that.
Let's start with

"What's up, y'all." Come on.

People don't say, "Whassup?"

No.
Not on the street.

Now they say, uh...
"Guzzizah."

"Guzzizah."
Yeah.

Guzzizah.
I like it.

What does it mean?

Well, it just means that--
Like, hello. Or goodbye.

Oh, sort of a street aloha?

Exactly.

And if someone's your friend,
then you call them your...

My homey.
My peeps.

No.
My dills-noofus.

"Dills-noofus."

Yeah.
Dills-noofus.

Guzzizah, my dills-noofus.

Yes, yes!
That's perfect.

Very miz-moronic, Bill.

Marvelous.

I'm feeling less illz-nidiotic
already.

Yes, okay more.
Come on more, more.

LISA [ON SPEAKERPHONE]:
You decorated that all by yourself?

Can I hold it?

Be careful.

Now, that is a very pretty
Easter egg.

What a very--

What's wrong with you?

[CRASHING UPSTAIRS]

You know, this has turned out
to be the worst day of my life.

Yes, sir, I-I--
I understand.

Same thing happened to me.

Oh, good, good.

That makes me feel
much better.

Dave, do you remember
that guy upstairs

that you asked me
to get in touch with?

Uh-huh.
Well, ironically he called me back.

Line two.

Ah, well, that isn't
technically ironic, but thanks.

Yes, it is.
It's ironic.

Like when it rains
on your wedding day.

That isn't technically ironic,
either.

No, no.
He's... He's right.

It's an oxymoron.

Oh, you mean like Swiss cheese?

Exactly.

Oh, hi. Yeah, I'm sorry.
Yes, I am the news director.

Uh, yeah, yeah.
Before we--

Sir, I hope we can...

We can resolve this thing
right here and now.

What--?
What do you mean

you think an apology
is in order? Really?

Well, what exactly would we
have to apologize for? Mm-hm.

'Cause you know we're not
the ones who have been--

What? What?
No, you know what?

I'm actually a little bit sick
of trying to deal with this

like a civilized human being.

Yeah, that's right!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Guzzizah, dills-noofuses.

Bill McNeal sayin'
get with the crazappy taste

of Rocket Fuel Malt Liquor.

Rocket fuel's got
the upstate prison flava

that keeps you ugly
all night long.

So when you wanna get sick,
remember,

nothin' makes you feet stank
like Rocket Fuel Malt Liquor.

Damn!
It's crazappy.

Can I help you?

Ah, yes, I'm looking
for the marching band.

Come again?

The marching band that's been
rehearsing up here all week,

making it virtually impossible

for us to do
any work downstairs.

Oh, you're the guy
from downstairs.

Yes, I am.

Listen, what I was trying
to tell you, is I'm sorry--

I think it's a little too late
for that.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Hi.
Carl Jackson.

Nice to meet you.

Oh... Hi, hi.
Uh. Dave Nelson.

A pleasure--
A pleasure meeting you.

You know, I think--
You know, Carl,

I think maybe we got off
on the wrong foot here.

So to speak.
It's an--

You know,
that's just an expression

that I use sometimes.

You know, 'cause
what with the noise and all--

You know, with...

Yeah, I am really sorry
about all that.

It's just that,
I just got this new chair,

and the steering
is a little tricky.

Mm-hm.
Mm.

I'm gonna leave,
uh, now.

'Cause, uh--
'Cause I'm--

'Cause I'm busy...

And-- And I'm
horribly embarrassed

right now.
Don't be.

Don't be.
I understand.

And I will try to keep
the noise down.

That ought to hold him
for a little while.

[GLASS BREAKING]

Bill, I'm Glenn Conrad
from Rocket Fuel.

We spoke on the phone.

Guzzizah, Glenn.

Bless you.

Bill, I've been listening
to the spots this afternoon,

and I just stopped by
to say you're fired.

What?

That stuff was miz-noronic, yo.

No, that--
That stuff was embarrassing.

We at Rocket Fuel have a little
something called street cred,

or we did until that spot.

Oh, come on, Glenn.

Whassup, y'all?
Rocket Fuel Malt Liquor. Damn!

Look, stop.

We don't want you promoting
our product.

That's all there is to it.

Whassup... Damn.

Ah, excuse me,
you're Catherine Duke, right?

Don't even
think about it.

Hey, guys. Hey.
Hey, what's up, Dave?

Hey, wait a second.

You guys aren't
going upstairs to start

some sort of
retaliatory strike, are you?

Certainly not.

Okay.
Off the elevator.

Come on.

I'm sorry, dude.

Look, there will be no
retaliation, all right?

I just happened
to have gone upstairs

and had a talk with the fella,
and everything's under control.

Did you yell at the dude?

No. No I did not yell
at the dude

because this dude just happens
to be a very nice guy,

who just happens
to be in a wheelchair,

which happens
to be kind of noisy.

A wheelchair?

Yeah, a wheelchair.

[EXHALES HEAVILY]

I don't care what he's in.

Nobody booby-traps me

without getting
booby-trapped-- I did it.

Don't be mad at me, Joe.

The fire extinguisher
was a cigarette thing,

and the-- The honey
was crystallized,

so I-I tried to put it
in the microwave.

Don't be mad at me!

Wait--
Don't touch that.

No, no, no!

I'm sorry.
What?

Huh. I rigged that thing
so that it would, uh...

Yeah, I know.

You booby-trapped it.

Yeah.
How'd you know?

The massive wad of duct tape
was sort of a giveaway,

so I fixed it.

No harm done.
[ELEVATOR DINGS]

Goodnight.

Goodnight.

Goodnight.
Sorry.

Here, let me.

Boy, he is good, huh?

He's not that good.

[BUZZES]

[LAUGHING]

Oh, or maybe he is.
Hee-hee.

How did he rig it up so that
it would hit me and not him?

How'd he do that?

Oh, that's easy.
All you gotta-- [BUZZES]

That, on the other hand,
was very impressive.

[♪]

I'm gonna ask you to introduce
yourself, and then you can say

hello to everybody
in New York City.

Cool!
Good.

Okay.

Hi, Beth,
we're ready. Okay.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Hello, this is Lisa Miller,
reporting live

from the White House.

La-la-la-la-la!
Hey!

[BOY CONTINUES SINGING]