New Girl (2011–2018): Season 6, Episode 22 - Five Stars for Beezus - full transcript

So, I've got it all planned out.

I'm gonna surprise Nick
at his book reading,

and afterwards, when he's on a big high,

I'm gonna tell him how I feel.

You think this is a little soon
after the breakup with Reagan?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

I'm worried, very worried.

But you know what, I wrote
everything out on the plane,

like what I'm gonna say.

It's all on flash cards,
some of it's in song,

I would do it for you, but...



some of the jokes are at your expense,

so, uh...

Jess, why don't you just
tell him how you feel?

You know, no jokes, no
songs, just from the heart.

No songs.

Yeah. No songs.

No songs, she said.

- "Pepperwood lay on the ground
- _

"in a puddle of blood.

"Jessica Night broke through the
barricades and ran to his side.

"'Even though he doesn't have muscles,

"he seems incredibly
strong' Jessica thought,

"as she looked into
his perfect, sexy face.

"Even now, even covered



"in the blood of the man
they both knew as Schmith,

"the two sat in silence in
the hot, New Orleans night,

"waiting for the words
that would never come."

I'm gonna open up the
floor to some questions.

Uh, the young lady right here
in the strange-looking vest.

No offense.

When are Pepperwood and Jessica
Night going to get together?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- That is a great question.

I'll just cut to it, guys.

Uh, Pepperwood and Jessica Night
will never get together. Never.

I'm sorry. You guys, stop.

It's just, look, these characters,

they-they are based off real people.

A-and the real people...

are just fundamentally different.

They don't work together.

It's just never gonna happen.

- You just got to forget about it.
- Excuse me.

Move on from it.

And also, you know,
Pepperwood, he blew it.

Sometimes you don't get
another chance, you know,

to-to fix the mistake.

It's just... look, adult relationships

are really complicated.

So, let's hear it for books!

All right, wow, you
guys are super intense.

Hi.

- I'm Merle Streep.
- I don't care.

Okay. Um, I'm an editor and
I publish children's books,

- so I wanted...
- Oh, congratulations to you.

What would you like me to do about that?

Uh, I'm about to make a call, so...

Nice to meet you, Merle Streep.

- Goofy name. Okay.
- I'll... I'll... okay.

- Hey, Nick.
- Hey, this is crazy,

but were you just at my reading?

You're not in L.A., are you?

No, I'm in Portland with my dad.

- That's what I thought.
- How'd the reading go?

Couldn't have gone better.

I felt weirdly comfortable up there.

- I'm so proud of you.
- Thanks.

Reagan and I broke up.

I got to go.

Oh, my dad just sprained his thumb

trying to get up off a couch.

I'll talk to you later, Nick.

Sorry. So, is now a
good time to talk to you?

Because I'd like to talk to
you about publishing your book.

You'd like to talk to me about what?

Publishing your book.

What are you, some
kind of a-a publisher?

Yeah, that's what my card...

I was trying to give
you my card, but you...

- You want to publish my book?
- Yeah.

Yeah, I want you to publish my book.

- Is this how you normally are?
- No.

Babe, hi. Are your pants off?

I... I went to the reading and...

Oh, no, what happened?

I'm so sorry I'm not wearing pants.

Schmidt's been so busy with work,

we scheduled a no-pants dinner thing.

Do you want me to
take my pants off, too?

Oh, no, honey. Tell me everything.

That's it. I'm all moved in.

This is my last box and it's
labeled "holiday important."

So, it's definitely sex toys.

Well, then I wonder what's in this box.

It's labeled "documents."

Eh, it's just documents.

Oh, no, no, no. That's nothing.

- I...
- Wait, wait, wait.

You have a mug shot
of the diaper bandit?

- With a phone number on the back?
- All right.

Listen, I-I wanted to wait for
the right time to tell you this.

Have you been keeping in
touch with the diaper bandit?

What? No. No, listen. I...

That's actually your dad's phone number.

You said you wanted to find him, so...

I found him.

My dad is the diaper bandit?

- No.
- Oh.

- Forget about the diaper bandit.
- That'd have been weird.

Cece...

I'm not wearing any pants.

Honey.

Oh, no! Oh, no!

I touched one of your
breasts! Where is my wife?!

I can never be the same!

- Let's just move on.
- I'm fine. No, it's fine.

I panicked, and I told
him I was in Portland,

and now I can't go back to the loft.

To play devil's advocate,

he was just talking about
characters in his novel.

I mean, look, the character based on me

is a Jewish psychopath
who wears a bolo tie

and eats applesauce
out of a baboon's skull.

No, he was talking about us.

He just doesn't feel the way I feel.

I... I can't see him.

Hey, it's me, Nick. In three, two...

- Hang on, wrong key.
- Get in the kitchen.

- Go, shoo, scram.
- That was for my chest drawer.

- Got it.
- My man.

I don't love this couch.

Did you take the tags off already?

It's the perfect couch.
What are you doing here?

Well, I need to talk to you and
my phone's only at five percent.

- Well, why didn't you...
- I can't find the charger.

- It's under Winston's pillow.
- I looked in Winston's room.

- Did you look under the pillow?
- Yeah, yeah. I...

- Yeah. I went in there. I...
- No, you didn't.

I didn't look in Winston's room,
but I need to talk to you.

An editor wants to publish my book.

Pass immediately and
start a bidding war.

I'm getting ahead of myself. Mazel.

- That's incredible, Nick.
- Thanks.

I called Jess, but she didn't answer.

I was really hoping to
tell her about it, but...

she hung up on me earlier and
now she won't pick up the phone.

- What are you doing?
- Shh! Shh, shh!

What, what, what?

- Oh, Nick's here?
- Shh! You're yelling.

- I'm not yelling.
- You're yelling.

You're coming with me
to the meeting tomorrow.

I'm picking you up at 9:00 A.M.

- I have to go to the kitchen.
- I'll come with. I'm starving.

No. Where are you...

Come to the kitchen with me then, Nick.

Wait, why are you crawling?

I don't know. Just go.

Hey, do you have any...

angel hair pasta in
here? I don't see it.

Ooh, you know what? Uh....

excuse me, I have to
go to the bedroom now.

Jess, this is very stressful.

I know. Look, tomorrow, you need
to go to that meeting with Nick

and you need to stay
with him until I'm packed.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, packed?
- I just army-crawled...

across your entire house to
get away from my ex-boyfriend...

... who I still live with.

I-I can't do this anymore.

I need, I need to get out
of here and get some space.

I'm moving out of the loft.

What?

I couldn't find your trash bin,

so I threw it away in the toilet.

- What'd you throw in the toilet?
- The, uh, salami in the fridge.

- What?
- I didn't flush it.

So, you're gonna have a bunch of salami

floating around in your toilet bowl.

What?

So Jess is just moving out

because Nick said
something dumb at a reading?

Nick is always dumb. He's
the dumbest boy in school.

I had no idea you cared so much about

what happens to Nick and Jess.

How could I not? I've
been watching these idiots

do this dance for the last six years.

He's rough and tumble.
She's sweet and sassy.

It's the moon and the tides,
it's the push and the pull.

I know, it just makes so much sense.

I'm gonna go tell him
that she loves him.

I'm gonna go tell him
that she loves him,

I'm gonna burst in the door,
and I'm gonna say,

"Nick, she loves you," and then...

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
We cannot get involved.

Okay.

- Okay?
- You're right.

- You're right, okay.
- All right. Okay.

- I should've worn shorts.
- No, no.

I would've looked amazing in shorts.

I got rid of all the
shorts, you nut-ball.

You are really grumpy this morning.

Well, I was up late last night,

- talking to Cece about you.
- For what?

Nick, I want to tell
you something, but...

but I can't.

So I'm just gonna ask you this:

why on earth...

do you think that you are so okay...

with this Reagan breakup?

Reagan and I are at
different places of our life.

It's fine. Why hasn't
Jess called me back?

You guys are pretty good friends, right?

But if you remember correctly,

you didn't even want Jess
to move in to the loft.

Nick, why do you think that is?

I'm pretty freaked out
by sanitary napkins.

Why don't you think you wanted
Jess to move in to the loft?

I don't know, 'cause I,
'cause I was afraid.

Nick, you have been
in love with this girl

from the moment you opened the door

and you first laid eyes on her.

I have never seen you
look at anyone else...

like that in my entire life.

Except maybe, on a few occasions, me.

I've never looked at you
the same way I look at Jess.

- There's been a few times.
- I... there's never been a time.

You looked at Coach maybe
once or twice like that.

Me, several times.
Winston, never. Let's table it.

You're wrong.

The first time I saw Jess...

was I was standing in her empty room,

and I was looking out the window.

- She was trying to get in the building.
- Okay.

Pretty hilarious. She
didn't have her glasses on,

and she was bumping into stuff.

Will you listen to yourself?

I shouldn't be telling you this, but...

Jess is not in Portland. She's here.

And she's packing up her stuff because

she's going to move out
of the loft for good.

Nick.

Wait, she's gonna move out of the loft?

For once in your life, don't be afraid.

Ready to come in and talk?

Hello. I'm, uh, Winston Schmidt,

Nick's associate. That's right.

Children's literature
just got a brand-new daddy.

What?

Children's literature
just got a brand-new daddy.

Don't say that here
anymore, okay? Thank you.

So sorry I'm late,

but Sadie would not stop
going on about her divorce,

and I was like,
"Girl, can you just be quiet

"and look at my vagina, please?"

The fact that we have
the same gynecologist

really makes me feel closer to you.

Wait, is this all you have packed?

I mean, Nick's gonna
be here in two hours.

- I know.
- Hey.

You know what? If this
is too hard right now,

you don't have to do this.

Just give yourself some
time and think it through.

If my stuff is here, I'll
just end up living here again.

You know me; I live
where my stuff lives.

When I come back for the school year,

I'll... find a new place.

All right. Well, if we're gonna do this,

then we better get moving.

Yep. My God, I'm gonna miss you so much.

I'm gonna miss you so much, too.

But it's just one summer. It's fine.

Okay, I know, but I'm
just gonna miss you.

Me, too.

- This is dumb!
- It's one summer.

- It's one summer.
- It's one summer. It's fine.

We can get through
one summer. It's fine.

I'm gonna miss you, like, day-to-day.

Who am I gonna talk to every day?

Mine, mine... is this mine?

Are you collecting things for Goodwill?

I'm not donating things, I'm moving out.

What?

Look, I'm just going to Portland
for the summer to get away.

Sure. You go to Portland,
have a fun summer,

but then what about after that?

Huh? When will we see you?

Who will your friends be?
Who you gonna hang out with?

Okay, think about the people
you are leaving behind.

Also, side note, Aly
has my dad's number!

- Okay.
- Wait, what?

- I got his dad's number.
- My dad's name is Van, by the way.

Oh, my God, Winston, that's a huge deal!

- Yeah. Yeah.
- Are you gonna call him?

No.

I can't call my dad. I just can't.

You know what?

You don't have to call
him if you don't want to.

You can always just
escape to Portland...

Oh, my God!

You can come with me to Portland!

Furgie's gonna love it.

It's the second most
cat-friendly Portland

after Portland, Maine,
according to Paws magazine.

- Are you going to Portland?
- No.

Portland is hella white.

Ooh.

Sadie.

Hello.

Cece, you're pregnant.

Oh, my God...

Cece's pregnant.

Why are you picking up
someone else's phone?

Call back in five
minutes, and we will agree

to lie to our friend for
the rest of our lives.

Oh, God. You're gonna be in my office

throughout the pregnancy, aren't you?

So I am double-parked,
so if you got any boxes

I can take down to the car.

What's up? Why are you so happy?

I just love boxes so much.

Can I have one to take to the car?

- It's heavy.
- I'm fine.

Oh, okay. We can go
together. That's fine.

I-I like quality time.

- Oh, you should go get your phone.
- No, no, no.

Let's just get this box down.

- Okay.
- Hey, can someone grab my phone?

What if it's about your
booming model business?

- Hello?
- Cece, you're pregnant!

Oh, my God, Cece's pregnant!

- Who the hell is this?
- Cece's pregnant?

Sorry. I-I'm Aly, Winston's fiancée.

Cece is pregnant?

- Winston's married to Cece.
- Winston Bishop.

Cece's pregnant. Cece's pregnant.

Oh, my God, Cece's pregnant, everybody!

Oh, my God.

No need to yell.

Tell Cece to call me.

Got to head back down in the mine.

Hey, can we hustle? I got a
hair appointment in an hour.

It's a real upstairs,
downstairs kind of day.

Gotcha.

What, Winston? I'm using social media.

Oh, my God, Schmidt.

Why didn't you tell me
you were gonna be a papa?

No, no, no, no.

What do you mean, "papa"?
What are you talking about?

- Pull the plug.
- Sadie told Aly that Cece is pregnant.

- Pull the... pull the plug.
- What? Why would she do that?

- 'Cause she pregnant.
- Winston, he doesn't know.

Oh, oh, oh, no...

Ah...

No... I messed up just now.

W-Winston.

You weren't supposed to know
that, so don't know that.

- Is that true? What's going on?
- Hey, Schmidt. It's Jess.

I'm so sorry. I picked up
Cece's phone, it was Sadie,

and she told me the news, and
now everybody knows but Cece.

So I'm gonna send her home.

Okay, okay, but Jess, um...

Plea...

Is it true?

Yeah. It's true.

Just get home.

She needs to hear it from you.

Miracle of miracles!

Finally got a parking spot.

Why y'all just staring at me?

Just really happy you found that spot.

Man, people wait their whole
lives looking for a spot.

Thank you.

And here, you've been blessed.

With a spot.

Okay, so I do have a few changes.

Take or leave.

What if we kill off Jessica
Night in the next book?

What?

I was thinking that she could
be Schmith's next victim.

We could do it in a big way,

like, he drops a piano on her head.

- Done-zo.
- What?

Maybe she takes a
baseball right to the face.

Batter out!

- Have you ever done this before?
- Yes, actually.

I published the entire
Bitch Witch series.

Bitch Witch Christmas,
Bitch Witch Prom Night,

- and Bitch Witches of Rhode Island.
- Yeah. Okay.

Look, Nick, I-I get

that you're afraid to make changes.

Actually, I'm not afraid.

Okay, then you'll think about it.

No, I'm not gonna make those changes

because those-those
ideas are really bad.

- Well, I...
- Jessica Night is the whole reason

Pepperwood gets out of bed every day.

Schmidt?!

You were right! Schmidt?

Uh, he had to go,

but he left the name and number
of his favorite Uber driver,

uh, Beezus "The Man" Tequito.

All right.

Mr. Beezus.

Mr. Schmidt likes to party.

You like to party?

Oh, very cool lights.

But, no, uh, Beezus, I...
I don't like to party...

It's not the first time I've heard that.

I'm gonna go see a girl.

- Oh, good for you.
- Yeah.

Want to hear some music?

Sure, yeah, that could be inspiring.

♪ Hot cross buns ♪

♪ Hot cross buns ♪

♪ One a penny, two a penny ♪

♪ Hot cross buns ♪

Second chorus.

♪ Hot cross buns ♪

Yeah, I cannot believe
Schmidt likes this.

♪ Good when they're old ♪

♪ But eat them when you can ♪

♪ They're not as good
when they're cold ♪

♪ Hot cross buns ♪

Last box in the truck. Mm.

I haven't seen this room
this empty since Steve left.

Who's Steve?

Oh, he was the guy who lived
in this room before Jess.

Real night screamer.

He couldn't sleep unless he was
screaming a whole bunch. Yeah.

Oh, I guess I should give you my keys.

Are you really not gonna
tell Nick how you feel?

That's such a Steve move.

Steve was in love with Nick?

Oh, yeah, and he never told him.

That... sweet, gay coward.

Maybe Steve left this place and-and...

and finally got the
space that he needed to...

become a better version of himself.

Yeah, I mean, he's selling
tires in Little Rock.

Okay, well, forget Steve.
Look, I know I'm being a coward.

Jess, I know you.

You can't walk away
without talking to him.

This is how I have to move on, and...

I have to go.

- Let's get on the road.
- Okay.

Wait.

You've reached Van. Leave a message.

Hello, Van.

This is Winston Bishop.

I'm your son.

I'm calling to tell you
that I am getting married

to the most amazing woman in the world.

And I turned out pretty
great, too, so, um...

call me whenever you're ready.

Oh, also, I have a cat.

He's not ready to have
a relationship with you,

so just don't try to force it on him.

Yeah, so...

now it's your turn.

Be brave.

I can't.

I'm sorry.

Hey, babe, I'm back. Whew!

What's, uh...

what's happening?

I'm pregnant.

- What?
- I mean, you're pregnant.

We're pregnant.

Sadie called you,

and-and Jess picked up,

then she called again
and Winston picked up,

Winston told me.

It's an upsetting scene, but, um,

we're having a baby, Cece.

I wanted to buy you flowers,

but I couldn't pick out...

which ones, so...

We're having a baby?

We're having a baby.

We're having a baby.

I really didn't think it
was gonna happen for us.

It's a caramel miracle.

Don't forget to give me five stars!

Three and a half! Thanks, Beezus!

Hey, let's turn on some music.

- Oldies station okay, everybody?
- ♪ The time of my life... ♪

I think I'd be really
happy working as a mover.

I like the gloves,

I like the excitement.

♪ It's the truth ♪

♪ And I owe it all to you... ♪

Sit back and watch the job get done.

Winston's right.

Portland, huh?

Land of the muskrat.

- Pull over!
- I mean, I'm in the middle...

- Just pull over.
- We're in traffic and we're parked!

I was just trying to, you
know... okay, I'll go up.

I'll go up a few blocks, that's fine.

Jess?

Can anyone help me get in the building?!

Hey, dog!

Can you bark for someone?

Bark, dog!

Bark!

Ah! Screw you.

Can anyone help me get in the building?!

I gave away my key!

Anyone?

Jess!

Hang on, I'm coming down!

Oh, hey, hold the door. Thanks.

Now you find your voice?

Come on, come on, come on.

Come on.

Jess, where'd you go?!

- Jess!
- Nick!

Why are you down there?

Stay right there!

Come on, come on.

Oh, come on, please go faster.

I gotta tell my best
friend I'm in love with her.

Shower first. I've never
seen anyone sweat so much.

You take a shower. You smell terrible.

- You smell terrible!
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, Miller.

Hey.