New Girl (2011–2018): Season 6, Episode 18 - Young Adult - full transcript
Jess recruits Nick and "The Pepperwood Chronicles" to help make her a cool principal.
I need it. I have
a big day at work today. I need it more.
I have to bake muffins before work. What? Why?
'Cause it's for my "Lunch With Your Princi-Pal" campaign.
See, being principal's great, but unlike being vice principal,
now the buck stops with me.
I'm "the Man" now, and all the kids
can just smell "the Man" all over me.
That sounded really weird.
All I'm saying is
suddenly I have no relationship with the kids.
I'm really counting on these muffins to humanize me.
I deserve that coffee.
I'm finally director of marketing at Ass Strat.
Today I get to hire an assistant.
I'm gonna be tough, but I won't be a screamer.
It's not constructive, it's rude.
Ooh, coffee. Your pour that coffee down, you throw it
or I'll pour your blood on the ground!
You'll pour my blood on the ground?
I'll knife you! Look, I got a full day
of writing ahead of me,
and that requires a fourth cup of joe.
What else is my whiskey gonna swim in?
You're taking this too far. You treat that heart of yours
like a baseball-man's mitt.
Uh, hello, I am the one packing for our move today,
so I will be having, uh, the coffee.
(all clamoring)
I get the coffee! Enough is enough with this!
What are you doing here, Winston?!
I get the coffee! Enough!
You guys are tearing each other apart.
For what? Coffee?
Come on, man,
you already got that energy
inside of you.
And that is the light of the Lord.
(chuckles) Man, this?
This ain't nothing but the devil's water.
Nah, I'm just playing. Hey, Winston!
(all clamoring) Winston, that wasn't fair!
I'll knife you by the urinal, Winston!
Enough with the knifing.
♪ ♪
Today's the day it all turns around.
Hey. Sorr... I'm sorry I hit you, Jess.
I didn't mean to. I'm using magnetic words
to break through my writer's block, and it's not working.
I've already folded all my shirts and masturbated
six times, and I'm running out of things to do.
I'm just in a real bind. You see, The Pepperwood Chronicles
sold over 30 copies, Jess.
So, what, we're complaining about good things now?
It's just, my audience is gonna be clamoring for a sequel,
and I can't leave those stevedores,
those-those tugboat workers,
those lighthouse keepers empty-handed.
You think that your audience is entirely made of, like...
Blue-collar nautical workers on the coastline of Maine.
I don't think that, Jess, I know that.
Okay, Nick, you're incredibly talented.
You can do this. And you have the key,
and the key is simply...
(phone alarm beeping)
Oh. I have to go.
Simply what?
Jess, simply what?! (door closes)
(groans)
All right. What do we have here?
"Sentient feces."
Why is there a magnet that says "feces"?
All right. Trust the process.
Ugh. Thanks for helping me pack.
No problem. This might be our last chance for a mess-around.
Don't you start with that last mess-around stuff. Don't you start.
Don't start, 'cause then I'll start. Look, I'm already starting.
Don't start. I didn't start this whole thing.
I can't do it, okay? (sighs) Okay.
Okay, we agreed,
let's just pack, okay? Great.
Furguson? Where have you been? What? Hi!
WINSTON: Huh? When you leave the house,
you take your cell phone with you.
Oh! Oh, thank you so much for grabbing my cat.
Come on, Sweatshirt, there's still some sashimi left
between my toes.
Uh, this here is, uh, Winston's cat, Furguson.
Sweatshirt walked through my door a year ago,
and while he may come and go as he pleases,
he loves Mommy and her little milkies.
Yes, he does.
I'm his home. Oh, really?
So why do I have a photo of Furguson
on my phone?
Oh, yeah?
Then why do I have a picture of Sweatshirt
on my sweatshirt? Oh, damn.
Furguson, you got...
you got two families, you dirty dog.
Look, I'm sorry about that. I'm Winston. This is Cece.
Name's Gil-- like the man's name, but for me.
Cornell.
Magna cum laude.
Two years of executive assistant experience.
Very nice. Is this 24-pound linen stock?
Uh, yeah, it is. Impressive. Ken, do me a favor.
Will you, uh, untie your tie?
Uh, I can't, actually. It's, um... it's a clip-on.
I know.
Thanks so much, son. See yourself out.
Next.
MAN: Hello, sir.
Hello. My name is Jeremy.
Thank you.
Let me give you a scenario.
We land the Bronco Blue Jeans account
and install Brett Favre as its face.
You receive a call from a nosy maître d'.
It appears that Brett has been spotted
at the Ritz-Carlton eating a salad,
dressed in a tuxedo.
The paparazzi are on their way.
You rush in to alert me. You find me dead.
What do you do?
I find a honky-tonk bar near the Ritz Carlton.
I leave a pair of perfectly broken-in Bronco Blue Jeans
in Mr. Favre's size, as well as a grass-stained T-shirt
on the floor of the bathroom.
I get on the phone, rent a tractor, drive it directly into
the swimming pool of the Ritz-Carlton.
When the staff is distracted, I physically subdue
Mr. Favre under the weight of my full body,
look him in the eyes and tell him to repeat after me:
"I got drunk playing football and remember nothing since.
"I would never knowingly wear a tuxedo, drive a tractor
"into a swimming pool or eat a salad.
"And I would never knowingly
leave my Bronco Blue Jeans behind."
And the maître d'?
I rented the tractor in his name.
The next call he'll be making will be from the police station.
Welcome to Ass Strat.
Muffin? Muffin. They're homemade.
Blueberry. Look out,
principal's coming! (chuckles)
Bah. Just kidding. Muffin?
Are you calling me Muffin or offering me one?
Either way, no.
Okay. Well, cool, cool, cool, cool.
I think Bayou Sue sent the letter...
Sorry, what did you say?
Sorry. Are we in trouble?
No, I just... Did you say Bayou Sue?
She's just a character in this book that we're obsessed with.
Yeah, Pepperwood Chronicles. Anyway, you probably
wouldn't know anything about it.
I put a couple copies in the library, and the librarian
didn't think it'd go anywhere.
(chuckles) I can't wait to rub it in Esther's smug face.
That's very flattering. Please come and talk to these girls.
They're obsessed with Pepperwood.
I don't have time for this. I'm only on page two.
And page one is just a dedication to Winston.
Ugh. Come on.
The kids used to love Vice Principal Jess,
and now they won't have anything to do with Principal Jess.
It's like I'm living in my own damn adorable shadow.
Please? You-you might get some ideas from your audience.
My audience is the men who built this great country.
Your students would never understand
that Pepperwood's just a New Orleans story
about a guy fighting with the alligator within.
Well, could you just do it for me?
Yeah, I'll-- I mean, I'll do it for you, Jess, sure.
Well, then why didn't you--
You know what, I'm happy with where we ended up,
but you took me on a real spin around the block there.
So, as you can see here, I treat Furguson right. Mm-hmm.
WINSTON: Okay? Organic kitty litter.
Mm-hmm. I got the miniature piano,
the tiny, tiny treadmill,
and right over here is where we do couples yoga.
(gags)
Fish nuggets? Oh, well, that would explain
his recent oily eliminations, which I document on the cloud.
You track his poop?
What, you just weigh his hairballs and clock out?
I mean, I... Furguson is happy here, okay?
(voice breaks): Around people that actually cherish him.
Don't you start, Cece. And who helped him become the cat that he is.
Now ain't the time. I'm sorry, but it's true.
Now ain't the time. What's happening?
CECE: I'm trying, okay?
I've just got to breathe for a second.
Let me explain something to you, okay?
Furguson is my cat.
I found him first.
Well, you may have found Furguson,
but Sweatshirt found me.
I see you want to play hardball here. How about this? Mm-hmm.
We settle things the way we do on the street.
Mm-hmm.
Catcall. What?
We let Furguson decide. Oh, yeah.
Fine. We'll leave the decision in his paws.
Which are now incredibly strong,
thanks to his new set of, uh, mini-dumbbells.
You're welcome.
(chuckling) Ooh, ooh!
Okay, Pepper-heads!
Get ready for a memorable experience,
which I hope you will recount at your weddings,
which I will also be at,
brought to you by your favorite
principal-slash-friend, Jessica Day.
Please welcome your favorite author, Nick Miller!
(girls cheering) Yay!
No, no, no. Stop it, stop it.
All right, let's get this over with.
Uh, let's talk about the book
you guys most certainly don't understand
because it wasn't written for you
or people your age. Go ahead.
The kissing. OMG, the romance.
The make out scene at the levee. Oh, the romance.
Guys! Pepperwood's about way more than just a romance.
It's... it's, uh, it's about life, you know?
Race.
The sexualization of the American handgun.
(whispers): Keep it clean. Okay.
It's a story about his ambiguous relationship
with... with justice.
But the romance is amazing.
It made me realize
it doesn't matter if I'm straight or gay;
I'm just me.
You got that from my book?
That's-- yeah. That was positive.
Do you think that's because of the gay dog character?
Yeah.
What I really respect about that is
it's never mentioned that he's a gay dog.
But you got that from the writing.
And that's pretty dope.
You write female desire so well.
Thank you. That's okay to say, right?
Yah, Ramona.
I'm-I'm just like you.
I'm your princi-pal. I'm your friend.
I like to just throw on my rollerblades,
and just go out there and think.
NICK: Can I ask you guys
about the scene in the fish morgue?
Oh, my God, that was my favorite chapter. Mine, too.
I read it, like, five times. Yeah, same!
(mouthing)
What? I stayed up all night. It was such a good chapter.
Thank you.
Oh, yeah. You're welcome. Why'd you whisper it?
Jeremy, I'm just gonna go grab a coffee, and then I will...
Dark roast, soy creamer, 160 degrees.
How was your lunch, sir? Disappointing.
Why don't you eat the homemade bucatini I brought for myself?
Well, thank you, Jeremy.
Um, you know, I'm not getting
e-mails on my... (phone beeps)
I just got an e-mail on my phone.
It's from you.
"Subject: Your e-mail is now working." All right.
Well, Jeremy, I'm just gonna go enjoy this bucatini
and, uh, organize the Peterson account.
I did it already. You did?
Okay. I guess I'll just...
Enjoy your lunch.
Yeah.
So you're saying that Lady Diamante doesn't realize
that it's Pepperwood's underwear for years later,
like, 20 years later?
Maybe she never realizes.
Yes. That's what I was gonna say, too.
We-- You and me, we're right here.
All right.
(school bell rings)
Wow. This is incredible.
I mean, so many great ideas here.
It feels like maybe The Pepperwood Chronicles
could be, like, a whole series.
Well, I mean, it's called The Pepperwood Chronicles,
so I assumed there'd be more than one.
Yeah, well, I can't thank you guys enough.
All right, I'll see you at home.
Home? You guys live together?
Yeah, we're roommates.
Yeah. This job doesn't pay very much,
but it's very rewarding to hang out
with cool people like you guys.
You guys are actually, like, friends?
You ready to get your mind really blown off?
We used to date.
(girls exclaiming) Oh, yeah.
Like, a whole thing. Oh, yeah, we were in love. Oh, my God.
Everything, yeah. For a while. (chuckles)
All right, I'll see you at home.
Yeah, it was crazy. See you, guys.
Wow. You went from kind of "meh" to sort of cool
to totally the coolest ever.
I don't want to freak you out,
but that really means a lot to me.
All right, let's get to class.
Let's get a picture with PJ.
Uh, what? PJ?
(camera clicks)
Yeah, Principal Jess.
Much as I'd love
to foster your creativity,
I think maybe Principal Jess or Principal Day...
Let's not even go to class.
(laughter)
Let's go to the drama room and dress up like old men.
PJ don't care.
Oh, PJ do care. PJ do care.
I mean, your principal does care.
How about we write a report on Pepperwood?
You're hilarious.
Yeah. You know I'm serious about the report.
Don't walk away from me.
Okay. Well, walk away. Just turn to the left.
Point me out to your friends. Laugh a, laugh a little bit.
Okay. Yeah. Keep going.
All right, I've totally lost control.
Ugh! Damn it!
Nick, I have to get to school!
I know. So do I.
I can't wait to pitch those girls
my Pepperwood prequel.
It opens with a very graphic description of his birth.
It's like a dark Look Who's Talking.
No, no, no, no, Nick. You're not coming back to school with me.
You made me look way too cool.
The girls told the whole school.
I've lost all my authority.
(lively music playing, kids whooping)
This is my office.
I got invited to that, too.
The girls asked me to deejay at their dance party.
They call me DJ PJ.
They love you. Isn't that what you wanted?
Ah, it's a tricky balance.
I don't want to be the heavy, but I need them to listen.
Those girls have such good ideas.
I've got to put the genie back in the bottle.
(phone vibrates) Ugh! See, this is what I mean.
They added me to a text chain about who has
the cutest butt in school. And?
It's Nurse Mike. Interesting.
You know what? If it's always gonna be empty,
let's just fill it with goldfish.
So dramatic.
(phone chimes)
Jeremy texted me and he left an ice coffee in the fridge.
It's like this guy's in my mind.
It's also like he's in our kitchen when we're sleeping.
(clicking tongue)
Can I come help you pack?
Jeremy's done everything around here.
Actually, I'm not packing, I'm just, uh,
hanging out with Winston.
I'm so bored, Cece, please. I'm desperate.
Are you guys having one of those mess-downs?
I could come be part of that.
Sir, I believe the correct term is "mess-around."
Okay. Jeremy, enough.
Thank you very much. I appreciate it.
That'll be all. Thank you.
Thank you, thank you.
(sighs)
JEREMY: Did you say something?
Jer-Jeremy!
Enough! Dear Lord.
You know, I wanted an assistant that was gonna anticipate
my every need so I wouldn't have to yell,
but now I'm yelling, because I have an assistant
that's anticipating my every need, and I can't breathe!
Work isn't everything, man.
Just... go meet yourself a girl.
Or a, or a man. I don't know what you're into.
You're very hard to read sexually.
But please, Jeremy. That'll be all.
Thank you.
Sorry, sir.
WINSTON and CECE: Furguson.
Hey, boy.
Sweatshirt. Sweatshirt. Whee! Furgie.
Ah, there we go. There we go. Hey, yeah.
Hey, remember all of the good times we had?
So may good times. Huh?
WINSTON: What about one of those times we wore the same shirt?
CECE: Custom shirts.
(laughs) Dad of the year.
Dad of the year. GIL: Come on, Sweatshirt.
Hey, what about the time that we geeked out on mayonnaise?
Or how 'bout when we drove to the airport and kissed,
watching the planes take off. Remember that? You did what?
She's moving. She's moving closer. No, no, no. If you're moving,
then we get to come closer, too. Yeah. We're coming closer, too.
Sweatshirt...
Hey, boy.
Furguson. (sniffing)
What? I don't know.
Someone has crab in their pocket.
Oh, my God, that's insane. Yeah, time-out.
(sniffing continues) That's totally crazy.
Excuse... Okay...
Okay, just... (gasps)
Cheater! Oh.
Okay, well, that is from a salad I had earlier,
and it must've just fallen into my pocket.
Cece.
I can't believe you did this.
It's just...
(sighs) Okay.
This is gonna be our last mess-around before I leave,
and I just don't want Furguson to leave you, too.
Just because you stop living together
doesn't mean you stop caring about somebody.
Because caring--
that is the real mess-around.
Come on.
(crying softly)
Winnie. Winnie, Winnie, Winnie, Winnie, Winnie, Winnie! Hmm?
(gasping) Oh, my God.
(gasps)
WINSTON: He chose.
Ha! Yeah.
Ha-ha-ha, you see? Ha-oh!
The crab claw didn't matter. Mm-mm.
WINSTON: Furgie chose.
Outta sight! (laughs)
Come here, my man. Ah! (laughing)
Aw.
Well, I suppose what's done is done.
He's all yours.
Good-bye, Sweat...
(sighs)
Good-bye, Furguson.
(chuckles softly)
Do you guys think it's cool or weird if,
uh, Pepperwood has a peg leg? Where we at on that?
I'm afraid it might make him too vulnerable.
I just don't see it that way. I think it makes--
All right. No peg leg, I guess.
Excuse me! There's an assembl...
Nick, what the hell is going on here?
Oh, PJ in the house!
My office. Now. Oh, PJ's gonna bust somebody.
You're the most in trouble.
But they started it!
I didn't even do any... Gah!
You had an unsupervised meeting with the students.
You're wearing home slippers on school grounds. (scoffs) Home slippers.
You parked in Janitor Margie's parking spot.
And, by the way, she pissed.
And she ain't small. It's a dirt patch.
And you ladies, you skipped an assembly for Pepperwood!
What's the big deal, PJ?
Yeah, you're kind of being a bitch.
This is unacceptable.
I don't want to be your enemy,
but I also don't need to be your friend.
So you guys don't get to write
to your international pen pals for a month.
You've all lost your community garden privileges.
Two weeks' suspension from the freestyle poetry slam.
And I'm calling all of your parents.
Spread the word! Principal Day is done messing around.
Now get out.
(phone beeps)
Oh, my God, they work fast.
When did they even take this picture?
Well, apart from the devil horns,
it's a pretty good picture of you, Jess.
That's true.
I'm sorry that I yelled at you.
The truth is is you are exactly who I was when I was your age.
I was hungry. I was putting in 22 hours a day.
Once worked four days straight without water.
Wow.
And I just wish that somebody had taken me aside
and told me that there was another way.
Would you have listened?
(sighs)
Probably not. Then I won't either.
In fact, you're not even talking to Jeremy right now.
Okay, well, then who am I talking to?
The younger you, telling you to take advantage
of your new super cool assistant
so you can get to the next floor
and the next floor and the next floor and the next floor
and the next floor and now we're on top! And now we're on top!
I'm liking this side of you, Jeremy.
Yeah, let's stay hungry. I'm gonna go in there,
I'm gonna work on the McCormick presentation.
Now I actually am hungry. Let's order some food.
Already done, sir.
Arigato.
(speaking Japanese)
Take it down a notch. Yeah.
If you're here to complain about your punishment,
save your breath. My decision's final.
Actually, we were just wondering if we could sit down
with you for a second.
Sure.
We're sorry about being so disrespectful, Principal Day.
Well, I appreciate that.
If anyone wants a muffin, I...
I have an extra one.
GERTIE: Here.
We got you a gift card to a coffee shop.
It's really close to your route to school.
Well, that's not necessary. Th-Thank you. That's...
RAMONA: We know you have a lot of roommates,
and some of them are brilliant authors working from home,
creating great chronicles.
But they can make their own coffee.
Well, that feels... oddly on the nose.
We have the upmost respect for you.
Sorry, did you just say...
"upmost"?
Oh, that is good. JESS: Nick!
I can't condone you making contact with my students.
What? That said...
thanks for putting them up to it.
Jess, I don't know what you're talking about.
"Upmost"?
There's only one person I know that says "upmost."
It's "utmost."
"Utmost"? "Utmost."
(chuckles) Agree to disagree.
But the good news is
my writer's block is gone, and that is thanks to you.
You always come through for me, Jess, to the upmost.
I assure you, it's "utmost."
What's an "ut"? Come on, you're a writer.
It's "up." Up to the most.
Not ut to the most.
I assure you.
Okay, sweetie. You didn't come in here and say,
"Thanks for putting them ut to it."
I would've laughed you out of here.
What is an "ut"?!
WINSTON: Furguson is miserable.
JESS: So you're saying that this is
a different emotion than we've seen for the past three years?
A father knows. He misses Gil.
It'd be wrong for me to take away a piece of his heart.
I mean, I already took away his testicles.
Anyway,
(sighs) let me just...
Proud of you.
(sighs)
You won't need the key I gave you.
And the door always gonna be open.
You're not gonna, like, leave the door open always, right?
He'll be back.
What the hell?
Jeremy.
Oh, my God, he came back. Come on.
What the hell is this man doing in our house?
Let me introduce myself. My name is Jeremy.
I'm the executive assistant
to your husband and my boss, Mr. Schmidt.
Oh, are you the one who called
and asked me about my blood type? He's very thorough.
Actually, he's going to need everyone's blood type.
You're not getting my blood. That's super weird.
Yeah. Oh, hell no.
I do have individual coffee orders.
You can tell which one's which based off the caricatures
I drew on the cups. That's you.
This is shockingly accurate. And you've never met us.
Nailed it. I mean, how did you do that?
Very creepy. That's pretty good.
(chuckles)
CECE: Is he ever gonna leave? SCHMIDT: I don't think so.
I have to bake muffins before work. What? Why?
'Cause it's for my "Lunch With Your Princi-Pal" campaign.
See, being principal's great, but unlike being vice principal,
now the buck stops with me.
I'm "the Man" now, and all the kids
can just smell "the Man" all over me.
That sounded really weird.
All I'm saying is
suddenly I have no relationship with the kids.
I'm really counting on these muffins to humanize me.
I deserve that coffee.
I'm finally director of marketing at Ass Strat.
Today I get to hire an assistant.
I'm gonna be tough, but I won't be a screamer.
It's not constructive, it's rude.
Ooh, coffee. Your pour that coffee down, you throw it
or I'll pour your blood on the ground!
You'll pour my blood on the ground?
I'll knife you! Look, I got a full day
of writing ahead of me,
and that requires a fourth cup of joe.
What else is my whiskey gonna swim in?
You're taking this too far. You treat that heart of yours
like a baseball-man's mitt.
Uh, hello, I am the one packing for our move today,
so I will be having, uh, the coffee.
(all clamoring)
I get the coffee! Enough is enough with this!
What are you doing here, Winston?!
I get the coffee! Enough!
You guys are tearing each other apart.
For what? Coffee?
Come on, man,
you already got that energy
inside of you.
And that is the light of the Lord.
(chuckles) Man, this?
This ain't nothing but the devil's water.
Nah, I'm just playing. Hey, Winston!
(all clamoring) Winston, that wasn't fair!
I'll knife you by the urinal, Winston!
Enough with the knifing.
♪ ♪
Today's the day it all turns around.
Hey. Sorr... I'm sorry I hit you, Jess.
I didn't mean to. I'm using magnetic words
to break through my writer's block, and it's not working.
I've already folded all my shirts and masturbated
six times, and I'm running out of things to do.
I'm just in a real bind. You see, The Pepperwood Chronicles
sold over 30 copies, Jess.
So, what, we're complaining about good things now?
It's just, my audience is gonna be clamoring for a sequel,
and I can't leave those stevedores,
those-those tugboat workers,
those lighthouse keepers empty-handed.
You think that your audience is entirely made of, like...
Blue-collar nautical workers on the coastline of Maine.
I don't think that, Jess, I know that.
Okay, Nick, you're incredibly talented.
You can do this. And you have the key,
and the key is simply...
(phone alarm beeping)
Oh. I have to go.
Simply what?
Jess, simply what?! (door closes)
(groans)
All right. What do we have here?
"Sentient feces."
Why is there a magnet that says "feces"?
All right. Trust the process.
Ugh. Thanks for helping me pack.
No problem. This might be our last chance for a mess-around.
Don't you start with that last mess-around stuff. Don't you start.
Don't start, 'cause then I'll start. Look, I'm already starting.
Don't start. I didn't start this whole thing.
I can't do it, okay? (sighs) Okay.
Okay, we agreed,
let's just pack, okay? Great.
Furguson? Where have you been? What? Hi!
WINSTON: Huh? When you leave the house,
you take your cell phone with you.
Oh! Oh, thank you so much for grabbing my cat.
Come on, Sweatshirt, there's still some sashimi left
between my toes.
Uh, this here is, uh, Winston's cat, Furguson.
Sweatshirt walked through my door a year ago,
and while he may come and go as he pleases,
he loves Mommy and her little milkies.
Yes, he does.
I'm his home. Oh, really?
So why do I have a photo of Furguson
on my phone?
Oh, yeah?
Then why do I have a picture of Sweatshirt
on my sweatshirt? Oh, damn.
Furguson, you got...
you got two families, you dirty dog.
Look, I'm sorry about that. I'm Winston. This is Cece.
Name's Gil-- like the man's name, but for me.
Cornell.
Magna cum laude.
Two years of executive assistant experience.
Very nice. Is this 24-pound linen stock?
Uh, yeah, it is. Impressive. Ken, do me a favor.
Will you, uh, untie your tie?
Uh, I can't, actually. It's, um... it's a clip-on.
I know.
Thanks so much, son. See yourself out.
Next.
MAN: Hello, sir.
Hello. My name is Jeremy.
Thank you.
Let me give you a scenario.
We land the Bronco Blue Jeans account
and install Brett Favre as its face.
You receive a call from a nosy maître d'.
It appears that Brett has been spotted
at the Ritz-Carlton eating a salad,
dressed in a tuxedo.
The paparazzi are on their way.
You rush in to alert me. You find me dead.
What do you do?
I find a honky-tonk bar near the Ritz Carlton.
I leave a pair of perfectly broken-in Bronco Blue Jeans
in Mr. Favre's size, as well as a grass-stained T-shirt
on the floor of the bathroom.
I get on the phone, rent a tractor, drive it directly into
the swimming pool of the Ritz-Carlton.
When the staff is distracted, I physically subdue
Mr. Favre under the weight of my full body,
look him in the eyes and tell him to repeat after me:
"I got drunk playing football and remember nothing since.
"I would never knowingly wear a tuxedo, drive a tractor
"into a swimming pool or eat a salad.
"And I would never knowingly
leave my Bronco Blue Jeans behind."
And the maître d'?
I rented the tractor in his name.
The next call he'll be making will be from the police station.
Welcome to Ass Strat.
Muffin? Muffin. They're homemade.
Blueberry. Look out,
principal's coming! (chuckles)
Bah. Just kidding. Muffin?
Are you calling me Muffin or offering me one?
Either way, no.
Okay. Well, cool, cool, cool, cool.
I think Bayou Sue sent the letter...
Sorry, what did you say?
Sorry. Are we in trouble?
No, I just... Did you say Bayou Sue?
She's just a character in this book that we're obsessed with.
Yeah, Pepperwood Chronicles. Anyway, you probably
wouldn't know anything about it.
I put a couple copies in the library, and the librarian
didn't think it'd go anywhere.
(chuckles) I can't wait to rub it in Esther's smug face.
That's very flattering. Please come and talk to these girls.
They're obsessed with Pepperwood.
I don't have time for this. I'm only on page two.
And page one is just a dedication to Winston.
Ugh. Come on.
The kids used to love Vice Principal Jess,
and now they won't have anything to do with Principal Jess.
It's like I'm living in my own damn adorable shadow.
Please? You-you might get some ideas from your audience.
My audience is the men who built this great country.
Your students would never understand
that Pepperwood's just a New Orleans story
about a guy fighting with the alligator within.
Well, could you just do it for me?
Yeah, I'll-- I mean, I'll do it for you, Jess, sure.
Well, then why didn't you--
You know what, I'm happy with where we ended up,
but you took me on a real spin around the block there.
So, as you can see here, I treat Furguson right. Mm-hmm.
WINSTON: Okay? Organic kitty litter.
Mm-hmm. I got the miniature piano,
the tiny, tiny treadmill,
and right over here is where we do couples yoga.
(gags)
Fish nuggets? Oh, well, that would explain
his recent oily eliminations, which I document on the cloud.
You track his poop?
What, you just weigh his hairballs and clock out?
I mean, I... Furguson is happy here, okay?
(voice breaks): Around people that actually cherish him.
Don't you start, Cece. And who helped him become the cat that he is.
Now ain't the time. I'm sorry, but it's true.
Now ain't the time. What's happening?
CECE: I'm trying, okay?
I've just got to breathe for a second.
Let me explain something to you, okay?
Furguson is my cat.
I found him first.
Well, you may have found Furguson,
but Sweatshirt found me.
I see you want to play hardball here. How about this? Mm-hmm.
We settle things the way we do on the street.
Mm-hmm.
Catcall. What?
We let Furguson decide. Oh, yeah.
Fine. We'll leave the decision in his paws.
Which are now incredibly strong,
thanks to his new set of, uh, mini-dumbbells.
You're welcome.
(chuckling) Ooh, ooh!
Okay, Pepper-heads!
Get ready for a memorable experience,
which I hope you will recount at your weddings,
which I will also be at,
brought to you by your favorite
principal-slash-friend, Jessica Day.
Please welcome your favorite author, Nick Miller!
(girls cheering) Yay!
No, no, no. Stop it, stop it.
All right, let's get this over with.
Uh, let's talk about the book
you guys most certainly don't understand
because it wasn't written for you
or people your age. Go ahead.
The kissing. OMG, the romance.
The make out scene at the levee. Oh, the romance.
Guys! Pepperwood's about way more than just a romance.
It's... it's, uh, it's about life, you know?
Race.
The sexualization of the American handgun.
(whispers): Keep it clean. Okay.
It's a story about his ambiguous relationship
with... with justice.
But the romance is amazing.
It made me realize
it doesn't matter if I'm straight or gay;
I'm just me.
You got that from my book?
That's-- yeah. That was positive.
Do you think that's because of the gay dog character?
Yeah.
What I really respect about that is
it's never mentioned that he's a gay dog.
But you got that from the writing.
And that's pretty dope.
You write female desire so well.
Thank you. That's okay to say, right?
Yah, Ramona.
I'm-I'm just like you.
I'm your princi-pal. I'm your friend.
I like to just throw on my rollerblades,
and just go out there and think.
NICK: Can I ask you guys
about the scene in the fish morgue?
Oh, my God, that was my favorite chapter. Mine, too.
I read it, like, five times. Yeah, same!
(mouthing)
What? I stayed up all night. It was such a good chapter.
Thank you.
Oh, yeah. You're welcome. Why'd you whisper it?
Jeremy, I'm just gonna go grab a coffee, and then I will...
Dark roast, soy creamer, 160 degrees.
How was your lunch, sir? Disappointing.
Why don't you eat the homemade bucatini I brought for myself?
Well, thank you, Jeremy.
Um, you know, I'm not getting
e-mails on my... (phone beeps)
I just got an e-mail on my phone.
It's from you.
"Subject: Your e-mail is now working." All right.
Well, Jeremy, I'm just gonna go enjoy this bucatini
and, uh, organize the Peterson account.
I did it already. You did?
Okay. I guess I'll just...
Enjoy your lunch.
Yeah.
So you're saying that Lady Diamante doesn't realize
that it's Pepperwood's underwear for years later,
like, 20 years later?
Maybe she never realizes.
Yes. That's what I was gonna say, too.
We-- You and me, we're right here.
All right.
(school bell rings)
Wow. This is incredible.
I mean, so many great ideas here.
It feels like maybe The Pepperwood Chronicles
could be, like, a whole series.
Well, I mean, it's called The Pepperwood Chronicles,
so I assumed there'd be more than one.
Yeah, well, I can't thank you guys enough.
All right, I'll see you at home.
Home? You guys live together?
Yeah, we're roommates.
Yeah. This job doesn't pay very much,
but it's very rewarding to hang out
with cool people like you guys.
You guys are actually, like, friends?
You ready to get your mind really blown off?
We used to date.
(girls exclaiming) Oh, yeah.
Like, a whole thing. Oh, yeah, we were in love. Oh, my God.
Everything, yeah. For a while. (chuckles)
All right, I'll see you at home.
Yeah, it was crazy. See you, guys.
Wow. You went from kind of "meh" to sort of cool
to totally the coolest ever.
I don't want to freak you out,
but that really means a lot to me.
All right, let's get to class.
Let's get a picture with PJ.
Uh, what? PJ?
(camera clicks)
Yeah, Principal Jess.
Much as I'd love
to foster your creativity,
I think maybe Principal Jess or Principal Day...
Let's not even go to class.
(laughter)
Let's go to the drama room and dress up like old men.
PJ don't care.
Oh, PJ do care. PJ do care.
I mean, your principal does care.
How about we write a report on Pepperwood?
You're hilarious.
Yeah. You know I'm serious about the report.
Don't walk away from me.
Okay. Well, walk away. Just turn to the left.
Point me out to your friends. Laugh a, laugh a little bit.
Okay. Yeah. Keep going.
All right, I've totally lost control.
Ugh! Damn it!
Nick, I have to get to school!
I know. So do I.
I can't wait to pitch those girls
my Pepperwood prequel.
It opens with a very graphic description of his birth.
It's like a dark Look Who's Talking.
No, no, no, no, Nick. You're not coming back to school with me.
You made me look way too cool.
The girls told the whole school.
I've lost all my authority.
(lively music playing, kids whooping)
This is my office.
I got invited to that, too.
The girls asked me to deejay at their dance party.
They call me DJ PJ.
They love you. Isn't that what you wanted?
Ah, it's a tricky balance.
I don't want to be the heavy, but I need them to listen.
Those girls have such good ideas.
I've got to put the genie back in the bottle.
(phone vibrates) Ugh! See, this is what I mean.
They added me to a text chain about who has
the cutest butt in school. And?
It's Nurse Mike. Interesting.
You know what? If it's always gonna be empty,
let's just fill it with goldfish.
So dramatic.
(phone chimes)
Jeremy texted me and he left an ice coffee in the fridge.
It's like this guy's in my mind.
It's also like he's in our kitchen when we're sleeping.
(clicking tongue)
Can I come help you pack?
Jeremy's done everything around here.
Actually, I'm not packing, I'm just, uh,
hanging out with Winston.
I'm so bored, Cece, please. I'm desperate.
Are you guys having one of those mess-downs?
I could come be part of that.
Sir, I believe the correct term is "mess-around."
Okay. Jeremy, enough.
Thank you very much. I appreciate it.
That'll be all. Thank you.
Thank you, thank you.
(sighs)
JEREMY: Did you say something?
Jer-Jeremy!
Enough! Dear Lord.
You know, I wanted an assistant that was gonna anticipate
my every need so I wouldn't have to yell,
but now I'm yelling, because I have an assistant
that's anticipating my every need, and I can't breathe!
Work isn't everything, man.
Just... go meet yourself a girl.
Or a, or a man. I don't know what you're into.
You're very hard to read sexually.
But please, Jeremy. That'll be all.
Thank you.
Sorry, sir.
WINSTON and CECE: Furguson.
Hey, boy.
Sweatshirt. Sweatshirt. Whee! Furgie.
Ah, there we go. There we go. Hey, yeah.
Hey, remember all of the good times we had?
So may good times. Huh?
WINSTON: What about one of those times we wore the same shirt?
CECE: Custom shirts.
(laughs) Dad of the year.
Dad of the year. GIL: Come on, Sweatshirt.
Hey, what about the time that we geeked out on mayonnaise?
Or how 'bout when we drove to the airport and kissed,
watching the planes take off. Remember that? You did what?
She's moving. She's moving closer. No, no, no. If you're moving,
then we get to come closer, too. Yeah. We're coming closer, too.
Sweatshirt...
Hey, boy.
Furguson. (sniffing)
What? I don't know.
Someone has crab in their pocket.
Oh, my God, that's insane. Yeah, time-out.
(sniffing continues) That's totally crazy.
Excuse... Okay...
Okay, just... (gasps)
Cheater! Oh.
Okay, well, that is from a salad I had earlier,
and it must've just fallen into my pocket.
Cece.
I can't believe you did this.
It's just...
(sighs) Okay.
This is gonna be our last mess-around before I leave,
and I just don't want Furguson to leave you, too.
Just because you stop living together
doesn't mean you stop caring about somebody.
Because caring--
that is the real mess-around.
Come on.
(crying softly)
Winnie. Winnie, Winnie, Winnie, Winnie, Winnie, Winnie! Hmm?
(gasping) Oh, my God.
(gasps)
WINSTON: He chose.
Ha! Yeah.
Ha-ha-ha, you see? Ha-oh!
The crab claw didn't matter. Mm-mm.
WINSTON: Furgie chose.
Outta sight! (laughs)
Come here, my man. Ah! (laughing)
Aw.
Well, I suppose what's done is done.
He's all yours.
Good-bye, Sweat...
(sighs)
Good-bye, Furguson.
(chuckles softly)
Do you guys think it's cool or weird if,
uh, Pepperwood has a peg leg? Where we at on that?
I'm afraid it might make him too vulnerable.
I just don't see it that way. I think it makes--
All right. No peg leg, I guess.
Excuse me! There's an assembl...
Nick, what the hell is going on here?
Oh, PJ in the house!
My office. Now. Oh, PJ's gonna bust somebody.
You're the most in trouble.
But they started it!
I didn't even do any... Gah!
You had an unsupervised meeting with the students.
You're wearing home slippers on school grounds. (scoffs) Home slippers.
You parked in Janitor Margie's parking spot.
And, by the way, she pissed.
And she ain't small. It's a dirt patch.
And you ladies, you skipped an assembly for Pepperwood!
What's the big deal, PJ?
Yeah, you're kind of being a bitch.
This is unacceptable.
I don't want to be your enemy,
but I also don't need to be your friend.
So you guys don't get to write
to your international pen pals for a month.
You've all lost your community garden privileges.
Two weeks' suspension from the freestyle poetry slam.
And I'm calling all of your parents.
Spread the word! Principal Day is done messing around.
Now get out.
(phone beeps)
Oh, my God, they work fast.
When did they even take this picture?
Well, apart from the devil horns,
it's a pretty good picture of you, Jess.
That's true.
I'm sorry that I yelled at you.
The truth is is you are exactly who I was when I was your age.
I was hungry. I was putting in 22 hours a day.
Once worked four days straight without water.
Wow.
And I just wish that somebody had taken me aside
and told me that there was another way.
Would you have listened?
(sighs)
Probably not. Then I won't either.
In fact, you're not even talking to Jeremy right now.
Okay, well, then who am I talking to?
The younger you, telling you to take advantage
of your new super cool assistant
so you can get to the next floor
and the next floor and the next floor and the next floor
and the next floor and now we're on top! And now we're on top!
I'm liking this side of you, Jeremy.
Yeah, let's stay hungry. I'm gonna go in there,
I'm gonna work on the McCormick presentation.
Now I actually am hungry. Let's order some food.
Already done, sir.
Arigato.
(speaking Japanese)
Take it down a notch. Yeah.
If you're here to complain about your punishment,
save your breath. My decision's final.
Actually, we were just wondering if we could sit down
with you for a second.
Sure.
We're sorry about being so disrespectful, Principal Day.
Well, I appreciate that.
If anyone wants a muffin, I...
I have an extra one.
GERTIE: Here.
We got you a gift card to a coffee shop.
It's really close to your route to school.
Well, that's not necessary. Th-Thank you. That's...
RAMONA: We know you have a lot of roommates,
and some of them are brilliant authors working from home,
creating great chronicles.
But they can make their own coffee.
Well, that feels... oddly on the nose.
We have the upmost respect for you.
Sorry, did you just say...
"upmost"?
Oh, that is good. JESS: Nick!
I can't condone you making contact with my students.
What? That said...
thanks for putting them up to it.
Jess, I don't know what you're talking about.
"Upmost"?
There's only one person I know that says "upmost."
It's "utmost."
"Utmost"? "Utmost."
(chuckles) Agree to disagree.
But the good news is
my writer's block is gone, and that is thanks to you.
You always come through for me, Jess, to the upmost.
I assure you, it's "utmost."
What's an "ut"? Come on, you're a writer.
It's "up." Up to the most.
Not ut to the most.
I assure you.
Okay, sweetie. You didn't come in here and say,
"Thanks for putting them ut to it."
I would've laughed you out of here.
What is an "ut"?!
WINSTON: Furguson is miserable.
JESS: So you're saying that this is
a different emotion than we've seen for the past three years?
A father knows. He misses Gil.
It'd be wrong for me to take away a piece of his heart.
I mean, I already took away his testicles.
Anyway,
(sighs) let me just...
Proud of you.
(sighs)
You won't need the key I gave you.
And the door always gonna be open.
You're not gonna, like, leave the door open always, right?
He'll be back.
What the hell?
Jeremy.
Oh, my God, he came back. Come on.
What the hell is this man doing in our house?
Let me introduce myself. My name is Jeremy.
I'm the executive assistant
to your husband and my boss, Mr. Schmidt.
Oh, are you the one who called
and asked me about my blood type? He's very thorough.
Actually, he's going to need everyone's blood type.
You're not getting my blood. That's super weird.
Yeah. Oh, hell no.
I do have individual coffee orders.
You can tell which one's which based off the caricatures
I drew on the cups. That's you.
This is shockingly accurate. And you've never met us.
Nailed it. I mean, how did you do that?
Very creepy. That's pretty good.
(chuckles)
CECE: Is he ever gonna leave? SCHMIDT: I don't think so.