New Girl (2011–2018): Season 6, Episode 13 - Cece's Boys - full transcript

COMMENTATOR: They've scored
five touchdowns in this game...

Wow. Check this out.

Coach and May's foreign exchange student

just added me as a friend.

Montsie. His name is Montsie.

I didn't know they had a
foreign exchange student.

I didn't know they
moved to North Carolina.

- Neither did I.
- (they laugh)

- They moved to North Carol... what?
- Yeah.

How did none of us know about
this? How is that possible?

- Eh, they moved. It happened.
- We need to make more of an effort.



We don't even know that our friend
has moved to a different state.

I mean, we're still friends.

We just have nothing
to do with each other.

This doesn't bother you?

Realistically, we'll probably see 'em

two or three more times before we die.

And it's sad, but
it's also not that sad.

- What?
- Who cares? What's for dinner?

I care.

McKenna, please. Please,
don't do this. Okay? I mean,

what about that formal
swimwear ad I got you? McKenna?

McKen...?

Well, guys! It happened again.

A big agency stole
another one of my clients.



And I have a big audition today.

- Gosh darn it. You know what?
- CECE: Jess!

Those pretty boys don't deserve you.

Which one is McKenna? Is he
the gaunt, heroin-hot one?

That's Jean Francois.
He got poached last week.

McKenna's the one that looked
like a jacked Bryant Gumbel.

- Oh...
- And this is a huge deal!

It's the Sausage Crunchies account!

Why would a dog food company

be interested in a bunch of hot models?

- Oh, no, it's, uh...
- NICK: No, no, no.

Sausage Crunchies are people food.

They're like brown cheese snacks.

Yeah, it's like space
food. I-I put them in soup.

CECE: I just really wanted to show

this casting agency that I was legit.

Now, if I go down
there with just Donovan,

I'm gonna look like a no-name hustler.

- Gosh darn it.
- Should I go out now,

and try to find new clients,
or should I concentrate

on the one client that I have left?

You know, they're probably
sniffing around Donovan as we speak.

(gasps) Crap.

Is that what he wants
to talk to me about?

He said he wanted to talk
to me about something.

Is that what he wanted
to talk to me about?

- These poachers.
- Cece... Cece, calm.

You concentrate on Donovan.

I'll go see if I can
drum up some new clients.

Very sweet, but the audition
is in six hours from now.

So we have no time to
look for new clients.

Well, recruiting is just like
sales, I mean selling a job

is just like selling
drugs. I do that every day.

Are you offering to help, too?

Honestly, I wasn't.

But based on how intensely
you're staring at me,

I guess I've boxed myself
into a corner here, so...

Great! Okay. You concentrate on Donovan.

We'll get the models. Heads in, guys.

- What?
- "Heads in"?

- No. It's "hands in."
- I'm pretty sure it's "heads in."

What are we supposed to do?
Smoosh our heads together?

- Yeah.
- Everybody. Hands in.

- Hands in.
- Hands in.

WINSTON: Meow.

- SCHMIDT: Winston!
- What?

- How are you not tired of this?
- Tired of what?

♪ ♪

Okay, model types, 3:00.

- Take a bow.
- Wait, those two oatmeal men?

Follow my lead.

How did we ever date the same dude?

(laughs): Hey!

Kampai. That's Japanese for "What's up?"

Hi! Jessica Day.

What are we celebrating?

Kirby here works for a marine biologist.

and he got them to name a new
species of sea slug after me.

- Oh!
- It's called Bruce's Eastern Sea Slug.

You two are fascinating.

Have you ever considered modeling?

- KIRBY: I actually have. A-a lot.
- Us?

- I have a rich fantasy life.
- Oh.

I can't wait to hear more about that.

Sounds so great.

What are you doing?

Those guys are obviously
not model material.

Because they're not cookie-cutter hot?

Cece needs a bunch of different guys,

so don't judge a book by its cover.

Except when you're talking about models.

Models exist to be on covers.

I think that's an oversimplification.

I think the best models have something

to give them a little personality.

Something, something that
makes them stand apart.

Like a gap in their lower teeth,

or a neck nipple.

You're making this way too complicated.

Look, this is all it needs to be...

you walk up to a hot guy, okay?

And you say "Hey, you're hot.

"Do you want to be a model?"

You have to forge a
connection with them.

And that way they
entrust us with the thing

that makes them really beautiful.

You know what? You do your thing.

I'll do my thing.

But your thing cannot be

going back to the slug guys.

Sea slugs, Reagan.

They're sea slug guys.

But you're right.

You're nasty about it, but you're right.

CECE: So, Donovan,

you have something you want to tell me?

(inhales, exhales)

I've... made a big decision.

No, Donovan, don't.

I'm gonna stop wearing beanies.

- Wait, what?
- I think. I...

That's what you wanted
to talk to me about?

I thought some big agency
was trying to poach you.

No. (chuckles)

They've just been sending me baskets

and trying to take me to
fancy dinners and stuff.

What?

They've just been giving me baskets

- and trying...
- Listen to me, okay?

I know that gift baskets are great.

- Yeah.
- They are.

But once BGE signs you,

there are no more baskets.

Because they don't care about you.

All they care about are numbers.

But you, Donovan,

you are my first priority.

So when you're with me,

you will never feel neglected.

Just tell me what you need. I got you.

I need someone to help me get better

at tricks on my motorcycle.

Sure.

(grunts) Mmm.

I really hate these things.
I just can't stop eating 'em.

I got to say, the taste is average,

but the aftertaste is outstanding.

What happens when I'm just
an outstanding aftertaste?

Hmm?

When I move out, are you guys
gonna forget about me like Coach?

This loft is what tethers us together.

And once it's gone,

we're gonna be spread across the Earth

like Rod Stewart's offspring.

What I'm gonna miss most
about you is all this poetry.

No, no, no. You know what,

do not give up on us already.

We just need to find something
that keeps us together.

Like a dark secret or a time-share.

You know, it was easier
when men went to war.

You'd forge an unbreakable bond

in a crucible of blood and pain.

You can't get that splitting
the cost of toilet paper.

We just need to come up
with some sort of ritual.

Yes! Now you're thinking.

We stand in a circle, right?

- We burn chicken bones, all right?
- Dear Lord, Winston.

- Then we're just secretive about it.
- This is the wrong ritual...

I'm just saying no one knows about it.

- I didn't literally mean a ritual.
- Oh.

I just mean, like, a shared
experience, one that bonds us together.

I've been saying this for the
longest time, but I'm really ready

to get super weird into metal
detectors if you guys are.

- That's, sure, that's one idea.
- You can look for treasure.

Nickels, dimes, quarters.

If you find enough, um,

said treasure or change,

supplement your income.

It's also entertaining.

While looking, there's,
uh, an endorphin rush.

It's entertainment, it's
income... uh, ritual.

Why don't we get tracksuits
and play chess at the park?

I already got a chess crew.

♪ ♪

You do that right outside of the loft?

- Yeah, right outside the loft.
- How have I never seen you once?

'Cause you don't go outside of the loft.

That's just not true.

Fellas, fellas, fellas, I got it.

Yeah? Metal detectors?

That's a super cool idea, man.

I appreciate the idea. I
want to hear more about it.

I feel like I'm being teased.

Let me guess, you guys are pre-gaming

before your high school reunion.

You were nerds, but you
grew up to be super handsome.

You were cool but approachable.

Maybe you were rollerbladers...

Okay. Here's the deal.

You're all models now,

and that's your new manager.

H-hold on a sec. There's
only one number on this card,

and there's two of you.

Oh. (laughs)

You think we're trying to pick you up,

because we're at a bar
and we're telling you

how handsome you are.

Excuse me.

You're hot, and you're about to make

the easiest decision of your life.

Not interested.

♪ He's a brown-eyed handsome man ♪

Don't tell me. Only child, right?

I guess now I am.

As of yesterday.

Sorry, did you... did you...

It's loud. Did you hear what I, I said?

I said you were hot.

Um, have you ever
thought about modeling?

Lady, you can't treat
me like a piece of meat.

Now, I know I'm hot, but I
don't need your validation.

We're trying to have a
serious conversation here

about why the bees have disappeared.

♪ He hit a high fly into the stands ♪

If a couple of guys in a bar
can't figure it out, who will?

♪ He was headed for home ♪

♪ It was a brown-eyed handsome man ♪

♪ They won the game, it was
a brown-eyed handsome man ♪

♪ They won the game ♪

♪ It was a brown-eyed handsome man. ♪

So, how'd you do?

Got a couple irons in the fire, so...

Me, too, me, too.
Planted a couple seeds,

just waiting for the harvest.

Hey! Hey, you.

Stop what you're doing right now.

What? I'm sorry.

That's just how I walk.

If I don't swing my arms,

I start thinking I'm
standing, and I'll fall.

Oh... (chuckles)

Tell me, do you have
any modeling experience?

I was trapped in a window display
in a department store once,

and I was on the news a lot.

Are we talking local or national news?

Oh, that's a good question.

Um...

I think... sorry... what
my friend is trying to say

is that it sounds like you
have on-camera experience,

and if you would like,
we can hook you up

with a top talent manager who
could get you an audition today.

I do like hooking my
thumb into my belt loops,

and pulling my pants down...

Yeah. No. Don't do it now.

But it is called "The Cowboy."

And I can see it's not your first rodeo.

Okay. Uh, your new
manager's name is Cece.

Go to that address.

Thanks. Okay.

No, don't say it.

- We're a team.
- No.

I'm the bait, you're the hook.

I don't think the bait usually
thinks of the hook as its teammate.

That's such a hook thing to say.

You're such a hook.

You know...

I've always wanted to
have a boys spa day.

Nick, did you wear your
shirt during the massage?

I did, but no bottoms.

- It was liberating.
- Good for you.

Check this out. These
cucumbers are gratis.

(laughs) I'm gonna make some pickles.

If you're impressed by a
couple of free cucumbers,

get ready to have your blind blown,

'cause I signed us up
for the elite package.

Does that mean the
pickle's already pickled?

- Gentlemen, eucalyptus towels?
- Thank you.

Oh, yeah... uh, mine's already wet!

No, no, no, it's for
smelling, not drying.

- Oh.
- Put it up to your face, smell it.

Mmm. How could a smell
be both hot and cold

at the same time, I ask.

- It's nice.
- Ooh, this place is dope.

Man, I feel very Roman.

Boys, I think we found our ritual.

(laughing) Yeah, we did.

If you gentlemen are ready, I
can take you to your Brazilians.

(laughs) Sounds very fun.

- I'm in a relationship, myself.
- Yeah.

Uh, but I would love to look.

Just point me to the door, please.

Sir. The elite package at S'Pa

includes the wax removal of
hair from your nether regions.

What did you say, homeboy?

Scrotum wax.

No, Schmidt.

- Say something.
- Say something to him.

CECE: Donovan.

I have some very good news.

I have a brand-new client

that I am very excited for you to meet.

- I'm Dean and I'm a model.
- Mm-hmm.

But I'm a model.

- No. I'm a model.
- Yeah, both models.

- No. I'm a model.
- No. I-I am a model.

I am... I'm the model.

- But, like, I'm, but I model.
- I'm a model.

- I model.
- You...

- I'm a model.
- I just told... I'm a model.

- Astro Fuel.
- I model.

What the heck is going on?

Well, Cece's Boys is growing,

so I'm just gonna help
Dean make a résumé

for the big audition
we're all gonna go on.

- What about my résumé?
- You already have a résumé.

Well, I-I-I want another one.

- And another sandwich.
- I want a sandwich, too.

Stop copying me!

Donovan. Dean.

REAGAN: Um...

Hmm.

(indistinct chatter)

No...

The line between what we're doing

- and being creepy is so thin.
- (cell phone rings)

Hey, Cece, what's up?

Any luck? The audition's in an hour,

I'm getting kind of panicky.

Yeah. Totally. Um...

we're just looking for that perfect
Cece's Boys type, you know...

- perfect.
- Ow!

I don't know hair this
short can get so tangled!

- Okay?
- You're hurting me.

- I'm very sorry.
- DONOVAN: Cece, I don't know

how many buttons to do on my shirt.

Donovan, please.

Look, Jess.

If you haven't found anyone by now,

maybe I should just cut my losses.

Maybe I should just tell them I only...

No, no, no, no, no. We actually, um...

(clears throat) we
have two guys, we'll...

- You do? Oh!
- ... bring them right over.

You are the best. Thank you!

I'm sorry?

I'm gonna be honest.

I don't know what I'm looking for.

Oh, it-it's the other one.

- No.
- They have a real look.

What look would that be?

I own my own dog-walking company?

Branding!

You're good.

You know what? I believe in them.

And we also have no other choice.

So let's get them camera-ready.

How far away is that camera gonna be?

(laughs)

Okay, guys, let's go... Oh, hey, Kirby.

Looking good.

That is for cats.

But it's okay. Put this on.

They're from my
roommate's earthquake kit.

He has a three-week supply.

Bruce. Put this on.
They won't recognize you

on your next volunteer
shift at the hospital.

Ah. Jess.

Hallway.

Okay, are you absolutely sure

that this is the way to go?

Can't we get our hands on,
like, a water polo team?

Or hire escorts?

Or call in a bomb
threat to the audition.

In this political environment?

Oh, I'm nervous even saying it.

- What about nothing?
- No!

Is nothing maybe the right
thing to do in this situation?

We can't bail on Cece. This is her shot.

We can't let her become irrelevant

like chunky belts, or quoting Borat.

Okay. Well, if I have
to go down with the ship,

I'm not going down without a fight.

And those two are gonna need a lot more

than hair gel and V-necks.

They're gonna need motorcycle boots,

scarves, knit caps,

and all the eye makeup
that Schmidt's got.

DEAN (muffled): Cece?

Hello?

Cece?

(muttering)

What are you doing in here?

Donovan told me to wait
here in your break room

- and then he left.
- What?!

And I couldn't open the
door and it was really dark.

Donovan, get in here right now!

Donovan, we have an audition in an hour

and you lock Dean in a closet?

Well, you said I was
your number one client.

Okay. No. Wait, Donovan.

- I'm out of here.
- Just calm down. Wait.

I went the wrong way. Don't look.

(whispering): So, what are we thinking?

I don't know. Maybe they give
you something to bite down on.

No, I'm talking about leaving!

You're being so dramatic right now.

I don't think I'm being dramatic.

Look, I'll say it now without any drama.

I don't want the hairs ripped
off my testicles by a stranger.

I think they're there for a reason.

They are trained professionals in there.

This isn't gonna be some
back-alley sack waxing.

They have those?

I'm sure they do, but
this isn't one of them.

Who would go to that one?

(sputters) Well,
sometimes, in an emergency,

you got to do what you got to do.

What would the emergency ever be?

Nick, this is gonna be like
cottage cheese all over again.

At first, you're gonna
be kicking and screaming,

saying that you don't want to try it,

but I'm telling you, in the end,

you're gonna tell everybody that
you meet how much you loved it.

- This is nothing like cottage cheese.
- Exactly like cottage cheese.

Guys, I have off-the-charts
follicle strength, okay?

It'll be a blood bath down
there, a real crime scene,

so I'm leaning, "No."

I'm out! Like my mother says

at every party she goes to,

"No one touches my purse."

- Good day.
- Wait. Sit. Sit down.

You guys don't need to leave.

Just a minute ago, you were saying
how much you love this place.

Just don't get your sack waxed.

Okay, I don't care how big the park is.

If there is a loose bear in it,

I'm not going in the park!

I'm never going in that park again!

- I'm never going in again!
- But this is our ritual!

Schmidt, we'll just find a new one.

Easy for you to say.

You two guys are still gonna
be living together in the loft,

saying, "Oh, oh, I'm sorry.

"I didn't know you were
in here in the bathroom."

And coming up with clever
names for the Wi-Fi network

- like, "This Is 4D."
- That's pretty good.

I'd say we just... let's agree
right now to switch it to that.

Points is, is your
lives are going to go on,

and I'll just always be that
weirdo you once lived with.

So you know what?

I am gonna get my sack waxed.

So enjoy the rest of
your lives together.

I'm gonna go shuck this corn.

Oh, man.

Hey, do you think they'll
take a picture of him

just as they rip like
they do on roller coasters?

I think you missed the
point of what just happened.

(laughing)

Did you just see that?

No. I had my eyes closed.

I was saying a non-denominational prayer

for Bruce and Kirby. What did I miss?

That woman just checked out our guys.

Like, she-she really checked them out.

Maybe we have a chance. I don't know.

- Did you hear what you just said?
- What?

You said, "Our guys."

- Okay, let's just go in.
- Our guys!

- Don't get sentimental.
- Our guys.

Oh, you get off of me.

Our guys!

(indistinct chatter)

Jess, I asked for models,

not a couple of driver's ed instructors!

I know, Cece, but
they're hot on the inside.

Bruce teaches CPR to children
with irregular mouths,

and Kirby has given so much bone
marrow, they told him to stop.

I don't know how that's gonna help them

at a print ad audition.

You're right, she's right.

I don't know what we were thinking.

Let's go put these dogs down.

Why did we even give them names?

They came with names.

Right, I guess what I meant

is why did we bothering learning them.

Guys, uh, there's been a little hiccup.

- We're allowed to eat all these, right?
- I just love them.

Yeah, you guys can keep eating. Um,

so, there's no way to sugarcoat this,

but the truth is...

(shushing)

Wait, wait, wait...

- So gross, right?
- Ooh, nasty!

(shushing) Cece? Cece, come here.

- What?
- Look around this room.

Nobody's eating these things but them.

Oh, my God, yes!

And they love them.

It almost makes me want to try them.

And I emphasize "almost."

They're making a mistake.

These are the guys that
can sell this stuff.

Not these guys.

But they've already decided
on the direction of the ad.

So tell them to change it!

I mean, what have you got to lose?

Hey, Joy.

I'm scared.

- NICK: Don't you be scared, kid!
- Nick?

- We're here with you, buddy!
- Winston!

NICK: We don't need a ritual, Schmidt,

'cause you're not gonna lose us.

I thought we could've
just told you that,

but Winston thought
we needed to show it.

Yeah, I thought that would be better.

You know, it makes more sense to me.

- Band of brothers.
- Band of brothers!

That's right, man.
Band of brothers, bro.

Band of brothers.

You know, I've been a little bit
curious about it this whole time.

I just couldn't admit
it to you guys, you know?

I think this would be more dignified

if we did it in silence.

- SCHMIDT: Of course.
- Yeah, let's do this in silence.

- Good luck, guys.
- I'm ready for you, lady.

Three friends going on
the same silent journey,

together, yet separate,

alone, yet closer than ever.

(screaming)

- Nick?
- I'm all right!

(paper ripping, Winston screaming)

- SCHMIDT: Winston?
- Can you hear me, Schmidt?!

You hang in there, you
son of a... (screaming)

Aah! This woman's ripping it off!

(shrieking)

Ooh! That's actually kind of warm. Ouch!

No! Okay, time out, time
out, time out, time out,

time out, time out, time
out, time out, time out!

(paper rips)

(slowed-down, distorted speech)

(screaming)

(slowed-down yelling)

(slow-motion, distorted):
No, no, no! No!

(yelling, ripping sound)

(yelling)

(ripping sound)

(distorted yelling)

(distorted groaning)

(distorted yelling)

(distorted): Oh!

(yelling and howling)

How many times do you freakin' do it?!

Okay, good. You both are here.

So, guess who got the
Sausage Crunchies job.

- (gasps) Oh, yay, Kirby!
- Hey, Kirby!

Not Kirby, but I am
going to hang on to him.

I think he could book ads for both
fast food and anti-depressants.

- Ah.
- Bruce?

They absolutely hated Bruce.

He got sick during the audition.

- Sausage Crunchies everywhere.
- That's a lot.

But they loved Dean!

Mm. (laughs)

Oh, it's nice to see the good guys win.

Right?! They said I brought them
the best and the worst of the day,

so... maybe that's my thing.

Hmm.

Can I throw out this, uh,
soggy bag of cucumbers?

WINSTON: No!

Those are pickles in progress.

(groaning)

Um, I don't mean to be mean,

but you guys are being real
babies about this whole thing.

(laughs) They don't...

Until you've had your sack waxed,

you can't know this pain.

- Excuse me?
- Childbirth?

Weekly wax, top to tail.

We went through hell,

and we came out the
other side, gentlemen.

It was war.

Granted, one that took
place in a high end-spa,

but still our war.

- (laughs)
- That's right.

I mean, this not something
we do every week, right?

- No, it's like a monthly thing.
- Monthly?

- Not a chance!
- It's our ritual.

No. No, no, no, no. One time only.

Guys, how can it be a ritual
if we only do it one time?

Shut up, Schmidt! I will never go back!

(Winston crying)

NICK: It's okay, man. We're
gonna get metal detectors.