New Girl (2011–2018): Season 5, Episode 4 - No Girl - full transcript

Opening statements today
in the trial

of celebrity chef Susanna Gabey,
accused of killing her husband.

The special tonight:

cold-blooded murder.

The jury is expected
to be sequestered for weeks.

Ooh, look, that's her.
(laughs)

ANCHORMAN:
In this high profile case,

initial courtroom reports

note an annoyingly
inquisitive jury.

In otter news,
an otter was born

at the zoo today. Oh! Oh, dip.



I can't believe Jess
is gonna be sequestered

for so long.

Who am I supposed to go to
for lady advice now?

I mean, I'm having

a real crisis with KC.
NICK: It's not a crisis.

She posted a photo of
another dude; it's no big deal.

Yeah, but when
I asked her about it, she said,

"He's a work friend, Winston.
Slow down."

I'm like, "Slow down?

"We've been dating
for four months already.

I've seen one of your breasts."

What was the situation
where you only saw

one of her breasts?

We were playing dinosaur.



Look, I just need Jess.

Winston, it's gonna be okay,

because I can help.

I told Jess that I was gonna

take care of her boys
while she was away.

What, you don't think
I can be supportive?

(phone chimes)

No...

Todd is in town.

Ploons?
Are you kidding me?

Went to college
with this guy.

He's the worst guy
on Planet Earth.

(dance music playing)

His grandfather
invented the springs

that go inside pens.

He's got, like,
a billion dollars.

from The Black Eyed Peas
to hang out with him,

just so he could look cool.

How much are you guys
gettin' paid for this?

Bunch of marijuana.

And these carrots.

(phone chimes)
Ugh.

I just got a text from him.

"Nick the Dick"-- hate that--

"it's Hot Daddy T"-- hate that--

"in La-La Land."-- hate that--

"Excited to talk

"bachelor party with you.

Vegas... question..."

He spelled "Vegas"
with two S's.

He spelled it with two?

That's ass. That's Veg-ass.

You see what he did?

You see
what he did?

It's so like Ploons

to assume he's coming

to the bachelors party.
He said Vegas?

You can't invite him, Schmidt.

On the other hand, you know,
a bachelor party

does cost a lot of money.

I'm your best man.

I got this bachelors party
under control, buddy.

First of all,
you're saying

"bachelors party,"
which is wrong.

Okay, so where we going?

Where are we going?
Yeah.

For the party?
For the party, yeah.

We don't have to go anywhere.

You want to go somewhere, right?

Uh... NICK: We're
going someplace.

Someplace that is
so much better

than what Ploons
could do.

Well, he'd go to Vegas, which...
which sounds awesome.

We're going to Tokyo!

I mean, look at you.
You're obsessed

with Japanese culture,
you wear the kimono, right?

I'm gonna take you where Ploons
can never take you.

I'm taking you to Tokyo.

(choked up):
This... this is pimp.

This is so pimp.

(crying): I just really
need to know, um...

(clears throat)

I was gonna say, how are we
paying for all of this?

Doesn't matter. How does
anybody pay for anything?

WINSTON:
No, no, seriously,

how are we paying for this?
Boom, boom, boom...

(imitates playing guitar)
Who cares? We're going to Tokyo!

Tokyo!

♪ ♪

(humming Super Mario Bros.
underground levels music)

Is there a three-prong
outlet in here somewhere?

(vocalizing)

God, I love echoes
in bathrooms.

It's so good.

Hey, there's a stranger
in the bathroom.

That's just Brandon.
Who the hell is Brandon?

Brandon's how we're paying
for Tokyo, Schmidt.

You see, I put
a thing online.

I'm renting out
Jess's room while she's gone.

Oh... I'm gonna rent
out all the rooms.

Are you insane?

I don't think so, no.

Do you have any idea

the amount of bodily fluids

that people let loose
on vacation?

Brandon's a really good guy.

He's just here
to finish his novel.

I appreciate the effort, I do,

but we don't need to go to...

we don't need to go to Tokyo.

Not for this.
I'm not willing

to turn our home
into a public pool.

One: I understand your concern,

and I'll make note of it.

You're not even typing.

Two:
I already bought the tickets,

and they're nonrefundable.

We need to come up with $9,000.

You don't need Jess's bowl
of advice, Winston, all right?

I really do, Cece.

I mean, look.
She's cheating on me.

KC's cheating on me.

Hmm. The same thing
happened with Daisy.

Everything's all good,
then all of a sudden,

she's hiding a basketball
player in the shower

and I own a cat!

I'm in a cycle.

I'm in a bad woman cycle.

She posts a picture
with a hot guy,

you post a picture
with a hot girl.

That-that's great.
That's perfect advice, Cece.

I know. Thank you very much.

You're welcome.

If only I knew
a hot girl.

Hmm.

Ah...

Trust me, it'll work.

I've done the math,

and if we rent out
every room for a month,

we'll have enough money,
we won't need Todd.

The hospitality industry
is fast-paced

and it's detail-oriented.

And you have the focus

of a coked-up Italian
on a summer day.

I'm very focused.

You're not even looking
at me right now.

I thought I saw
something shiny.

Um...

But no, it was nothing.

How do you drive your car
and not hit people?

I have never been
more focused in my--

It was a spoon.

I saw the...
it was just a spoon.

Nick, let's just
call Todd.

Let's bite
the bullet...

No, Schmidt, we don't need
his money. Look at me.

(sighs)
Okay...

Schmidty, I'm your best man.

And I may not be a rich man.

The only thing
my parents invented

was a wand

to push the buttons on
the microwave from the table,

so you don't have to get up.

You mean like a stick?
My point is,

it's my job to give you

the bachelors party
of your dreams.

And I intend
on doing that.

Why don't you close
your eyes for me?

What do you see

when you see your dream
bachelors party?

Sushi. (chuckles) A lot of it.

Sake.

Honor.

And no Todd, right?

Look around. Is Todd there?

'Cause we don't need him.

We can do this.

I want you to look at me

and tell me you believe
we can do this.

Do you believe, Schmidty?

Do you believe?

Schmidty?
Do you believe?

I believe!
Do you believe?

I believe!
Yeah!

I'm gonna eat sushi
off my own ass!

That's just gonna slow me down.
Why you using tongs?

We don't use
tongs at home.

Don't forget to write
your reviews,

and it'd be nice if
you mentioned Nick.

So you're just full-blown
running a hotel now?

MAN: All right, let's go.

It's a boutique hotel, yes.

We are offering
a premier experience

in a competitive marketplace.

Okay? And the reviews
are everything.

So grab a vacuum...
I'm gonna go take my 15.

It's not time for a break.
You just started working.

It takes a staff to run...

There's no work ethic there--
how do you work...?

(phone ringing)
Look at that.

KC took the bait.

I gotta take my 15.

Uh, hello?
What it do, Jacques?

Everybody's taking their 15.

Got no staff.

Kumiko, how are you?

Hey, Kumiko.

Kumiko, you're from Japan, yes?

Well, you know,
Nick and I

are going to Japan.
Any tips?

Yes?

Cleaning.

She's talking
about the shower.

Oh!
SCHMIDT: Yes.

Let me help you with that shower.
Okay, you just...

stay there for a second, cowboy.
Please.

We're running a business here.

We're running a hotel.

No sex with the guests.

You gotta focus, here.

Hey, you know this:
I'm a businessman first.

Yes.
I'm a sex guy second.

Okay?
Stay focused, man.

No sex, no Todd.
No Todd.

Tokyo!
Tokyo.

♪ ♪

Oh. Thought you were Nick.

Well, uh, KC saw the picture.

Oh, great, you're welcome.

And she instantly
broke up with me.

(softly):
Oh.

Um...

I'm sorry.

You okay?

Yeah.

(loud continuous sob)

(sob winds down)

(sob resumes)

This is your fault.

I need Jess.

No, you know what, no, you don't
need, you don't need Jess.

'Cause I'm here,
and I've got this.

So what can I do
that's Jess-like?

You want some,
you want some tea?

You want, like, cupcakes or a cute song?
I need Jess.

Um, okay, you know what,
I'm gonna do the tea thing.

How about I do
the tea thing for you,

and then I'll, it'll
soothe you, okay?

So, how do I,
how do you make tea?

How do you make tea?!
I'll fig...

I'll figure it out.
I'll just get some water

and I'll ta...
Yeah.

You know, it's...

Water and leaves!

Water and leaves!
Water and leaves.

So, this is hot,
and this is cold.

Yes.
(chuckles)

Wet down there.

Wet down there.

Oh, I don't need
to know that, Kumiko.

That is,
that is not my business.

Wet down there!

Oh, you mean down there!
Yeah...

Yes!
That's really...

(groans)
Yes, that's, yeah,

that's actually, yeah.
Let me get in the drain.

Sorry about that glass.

(chuckles)

I was in a zone writing,
and I just...

It's just a glass, right?
Yeah.

As a reminder,

there are some plastic
disposable cups,

literally right there,
so there's no need

to rummage through the cabinets
with your travelers' hands.

Okay.
Okay.

But how's the novel coming?

Oh, I mean,
I'm stuck on a love scene.

Ain't that always the case?

Couldn't imagine.

Listen to this.
What?

"As his electric car
powered down,

the first thing
he saw was..."

No, look at me.

Look at me.

Do I have to?
Yeah.

"...first thing he saw was
her virgin breasts glowing

"in the Alabama moonlight.

"She said,

"'Which one do you want to see?

"The left or the right?'

"And I said, 'Both.'

"She said, 'No, pick one.'

"So I said, 'Left.'

"She finally showed him,

"and it was as big
as a Cadillac.

"She grabbed him by the potatoes
and led him up the stairs.

"So many stairs.

"Left, right, left,

"right, left,

"right.

He grabbed the banister
and then let go."

Oh, that's erotic stuff.

Oh, thank you.
You're very welcome.

That's very sexy stuff
you're writing.

Thanks.
The sexiest, really.

Where the hell have you been?

"The parakeet
was still in the room,

"but it turned out to be
a welcome addition

to the games at hand."

Lose that one?

I don't even get that one.
I didn't get that one.

Let go of it.
I have no emotional connection.

You're cracking; take your 15.
I'm not cracking.

Oh!

Nuts.

You weak-handed moron!
Hey!

Who also is
our cherished guest here.

It's just the weight of it.

The liquid and the balance
of it... I'm so sorry.

I'll help clean it up.
No, please, let me clean it up.

You keep writing.

(clicks tongue)

I think you're cracking.

You need to take your 15.

I don't need a 15; I'm gonna
take a 15 more of work.

You need a 15; take a 15.
Pull it together.

I will not take a 15
ever again in my whole life.

I'm so sorry about this.
Take a 15.

"She took a 15 on my face."

Focus.

Focus!

NICK: Sorry about
the little misunderstanding

there, all right?

(chuckles)

(speaking Japanese):

(giggles)

Is this oolong tea?
Yeah.

Yeah, well, Jess never
gives me caffeine.

Why wouldn't you tell me that?

You know, this breakup has
got me going crazy, Cece.

So you just need
to calm down, okay?

I'm gonna need you
to nurture me.

I'm gonna
need you to nurture me.

Okay, all right, I can do
that part. Here we go.

So, um, maybe this breakup

isn't such a bad thing.

Mm-hmm. Now you can stop wasting
your life and find someone

more realistic.

Yeah, someone who's, like,
in your league.

What? Because you don't
want to die alone,

so you kind of have to settle

and lower your standards

and find someone that's just,
like, in your lane.

What...?

If you stay in your lane,

you'll be happy,
'cause you won't be alone.

Right?
What are you saying?

Someone a little older, dumpier.

(crying):
You are so bad at this.

For crying out loud.

Who do we give our laundry to?

The ad said
it was included.

I suppose,
I suppose me, uh, I guess.

Here you go.
Oh, dear Lord.

Where do the entertainment
types tend to hang out?

Crystal is a performer.

We'd love to get her in front
of the right set of eyes.

This is all underpants.
Showtime!

Mm... No, oh, no, no.

Crystal!

SCHMIDT:
Oh, no.

No, no, no, no, honey,
no acting.

I feel that you're gonna start
a monologue of some sort,

and I really don't want
to hear it. I have no tolerance.

Please, I'm begging you.
(clears throat)

Is that your moment before?
Please don't do that.

You don't know what
out of order is,

What the hell?
Mr. Trask!

If I were the man I was
five years ago,

I'd take a flame thrower
to this place!

Pacino, Scent of a Woman.

I got the referen--

Wait a minute.

Is that my cashmere
window pane blazer?

I know it was you, Fredo.

You broke my heart.

Do you only do Pacino?
(kisses)

You knock him down.

Why don't you try
knockin' me down now?

Rocky V?

No, no, in the ring.

Tommy Gunn only fights
in the ring.

Of all the Rockys?

Baby, let's do the cop one.
Do Heat.

Don't do Heat. I'm... Oh, God.

'Cause she's got a great ass!

Nickolo.

What up, my man?

You got a weird vibe
right now, bud.

I called Todd.

W-W... You just say,
"Hi, what's up?

No. Don't come to the
bachelor party."

No, I made plans with him.

I'm gonna invite him
and ask him to pay.

What?! You...
I'm sorry!

♪ I hear the blues a-callin' ♪

♪ Tossed salad
and scrambled eggs ♪

Is she listening
to Frasier reruns?

I'm in the middle
of a fight with you.

There's this one episode, right?

Where Niles,

he's making
an origami flower,

and Frasier comes in and asks...

Well, I'm sorry, actually, it's
Daphne that comes in and asks...

Why'd you invite Todd?!

Is that what Daphne asks?

'Cause if I'm Daphne,
that's what I'm asking.

He sucks.
I could've done it!

Then what does, uh, Frasier say?

You would never be Frasier
in this scenario.

Who would I be?
Obviously the dad,

the lazy piece of dump

that sits on the chair.

And you just broke my heart.
(Kumiko giggles)

CECE: Well, the McQuaids
sure left a mess.

WINSTON: Nick, I would
just like to say

that you had a vision
for this hotel.

I'd also like to say
that I may die alone.

It could happen.
Yeah.

Be nice if you surprised us.
I'll try.

Okay, look, Nick, I'm sorry
that I called Todd.

You can suck Todd's gas
till you're blue in the face,

but I won't.

Not now, not ever.

I'll pay my own way to Tokyo,

'cause he hotel's
still open, so...

Kumiko seems happy.

You could get some money
back from her.

Yeah. I ca--

I'm not gonna charge her;
I can't charge her.

What?
Why wouldn't you charge her?

Why can't you charge Kumiko?

To be honest, because we had
a sexual encounter.

There we go.

Shame, shame.

SCHMIDT:
I knew it, Nick!

You weren't in the bathroom
fixing the shower.

You were showing her
the business center.

Okay, in my defense,
it wasn't in the shower.

It was in the hallway
for a few moments.

Don't refer to it
as a hallway. Yuck.

I literally meant the hallway.

And it was vibrant, if that's
a word you could use

in this situation, 'cause that's
what it was; it was like--

Just admit it, Nick, you screwed up.
I did not screw up!

Well, you certainly
can't charge her now.

Yes, I can.

Sure I can.

Hey, Kumiko.

Can I have a minute
of your time?

(grunts)

(sighs deeply)
I had a...

I enjoyed
our special time today.

I haven't taken my pants off
in front of a woman

in quite some time.

I'm sorry that the
pretzel fell out.

That was unexpected.

I honestly don't know how long
it was in my underpants,

and that was disturbing to me.

Thank you for not
overreacting to it.

I'm here to talk about money.

American currency.

Our special time

was not included, financially,
in the room rate.

'Cause I'm running
a business.

And I can't be soft here.

I understand.

I give you money.

Thank you for being so cool!
That's what-- Yes.

You are prostitute.

Working boy.
No, no.

I want sex.

You want sex.

But need money.

Prostitute.
Hotel owner.

Sorry, Winston, I mean,
this is all my fault.

No, no, no, no, no.
No, Cece, you're fine.

You were right.
You really were.

I mean, KC and I were,
we weren't going anywhere.

Let's be honest.

I just want to find somebody,
Cece; I really do.

So bad it hurts.

From my head to my turd pipe.

That's... sweet.

I got so much
love to give, Cece.

I really do, so why am I
always on the phone,

getting dumped, crying
my eyes out like an idiot?

Well, there must be
something that you can do.

Well, you know, if Jess
were here, she would tell me to:

(imitating Jess): "Just believe
in yourself, Winston,

and, like, be positive."

Well, forget what Jess would say

and forget what I would say.

What do you think
would really

break the cycle?

I just want,
for once in my life,

for someone to cry over me.

Right, okay, explore that.

Somebody to just cry
because of...

That's a great idea, Cece!

It is?
Yes!

This is what I'm gonna do.

We're gonna make KC cry over me.

Oh!

Oh, no, no, that's not,

that's not where
I thought you were going--

We're gonna make
a girl cry today!

Couldn't take the money?

Thought you were a prostitute?

(wry laugh)

It's time for Todd.

Yeah, okay.

All right.

You ever taken
gloves off before?

We could've paid for Tokyo,

but a business venture
went south and ultimately,

it was my fault because
the company was my baby.

I can't believe you guys
have never been to Tokyo.

I've been there 28 times!

Where do you guys
get your sneakers?

28 times?
Yes.

And you idiots
couldn't even

figure out how to
get there once?

Ha! You know what you

deserve for that, Nick?
What?

You deserve a one-nut slap,
my friend.

You're not slapping
one of my nuts, Todd.

Oh, yes, I am.
I'm an adult man.

Tokyo?

Get that leg up, come on.

All right.
Get that nut!

This is for you, best man.
We're going to Tokyo.

Yeah, get it up there.
Here we go.

Ooh...
Okay, no!

S-Stop it!
What!?

Get your hand out of here! Oh!

You're not slapping
anybody's nuts.

Boo!

SCHMIDT: We don't need
your money, Todd.

I'm gonna love my bachelor
party, no matter what.

You're my best man.
We're gonna do this.

Yeah, we can do this.
Do it anywhere we want to do it.

That's right.
It doesn't matter.

NICK: I do, however,
still owe $9,000.

Wow.
You guys are good friends.

Yep.
Yeah.

I don't have any friends.

No one likes me.

Ooh, why would you
say that, Todd?

I have a terrible personality.

True.

(sobs quietly)

You're fake crying, aren't you?
No I'm not! I'm...

Yeah, all right,
you guys caught me.

(choking)

I see it in your mouth.

Look, there she is.

Hey, Winston, I am not
doing this, all right?

It is the worst idea
that I have ever heard.

Uh, remember
when you said,

"I'm Cece.
I'm super supportive"?

Now's your
time to shine.

Yes, it isn't like
a blank check, though.

This idea does not deserve
to be supported,

because it's insane.

Yeah, that's what
I need, Cece!

I need insane!

Look, Cece,

it's no big deal,
but I need this more

than I've needed anything
in my entire life.

(groaning):
I don't want to...

CECE:
KC, um...

I really...

wish I didn't have to be
the one to tell you this,

but Winston is

dead.

Wait, what?

Yeah, uh...

Oh, my God!

Uh, yeah, he...

Oh, my God!

You okay, babe?
No!

Oh, the...?

So you were...?

Well, then, um, KC,

you should know

that Winston's last words,

right before the truck...

Oh.
hit him...

were, um,
"This is all KC's fault.

"And I wouldn't be dead

if it wasn't for her."

(wailing)

Hah!
(KC screams)

It's me and I'm alive!

He's alive!

Scared this dude.
I know.

What? CECE: Hmm...
WINSTON: Yeah.

What is going on?

Thank you for this, Cece.
I needed this.

Yeah, you're welcome.
This means a lot.

Okay, but--
Winston, I need you,

I need you to go.

Hey, guy from the picture--

Mm-hmm
if that's your real name--

y'all look good together.

We out.

CECE:
(chuckles) Bye.

Wait, who--?
I-I-I--

Oh, my God, that
was so messed up.

You've changed my life, Cece.
Uh-huh.

The cycle is broken!

It's a whole new day.

From now on,

the woman I'm
in a relationship with

is gonna be crying over me!

That shouldn't be
the goal, though.

You know that, right?

I want some ice cream.

Never tell anyone
we did this.

Can we get some ice cream?

SCHMIDT: Well, whose stuff
is all this? Is Jess back?

Oh... (laughs)

Jess, what are you doing here?
Huh! Jess!

(high-pitched):
Hi, Nick. Hi, Schmidt.

Hey, Brandon.

Cool vibe, Brandon.

Is this cute?

Mmm? Polka dots?

Or... don't go anywhere.

Yellow?

Mm-mm.

Wear the stripy one.

Hmm...
I think that

will look nice with
your face and everything.

Yeah.

Yeah.
That's a good one.

That's nice.

NICK: You look pretty today.

BRANDON: Thank you.

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH