New Girl (2011–2018): Season 3, Episode 20 - Mars Landing - full transcript

We're all adults.

What's the harm?
We can do this with dignity,

self-restraint, and dare I say...

- honour.
- The game is True American.

One, two, three, four...
JFK!

FDR!

***

***

Sorry.

Welcome to Ellis Island, folks.

- You're a Bill,
- Ah!



you're a George,

- you're a Bill.
- Ah.

You're Greek. Get out of here!

What? Why am I Greek?

You're a Greek.
Get out of here!

- Get out of here.
- And you...

He's got the plague! Scatter!

Hello!

Taft just sat on you!

My name is Eli Whitney,
and I created the cotton gin.

Gin! Gin! Gin! Gin! Gin! Gin!
Gin! Gin! Gin! Gin! Gin!

Gin! Gin! Gin!

Oh, God.

Son of a...



Jessica, did we die?

No. Alive.

Shh...

Turkey bacon.

- Mm.
- That's nice.

- That's ni, Nick.
- That's ni.

Get sleep.

Yeah.

Help me up.

I'm trying.

You're...

You drink some water.

Aw, son of a bitch,
the water fell on the ground.

Here. Here you go.

Drink the water. That's good.

Oh, no.

- No.
- Oh, make it stop.

- Jessica, make it stop.
- No!

Oh.

Hello.

Jess, where are you?
It's Jacob's first birthday.

You're his godmother,
I need you here.

Sir, hi. Who are you?

This is a private residence.

I'll be right there.

Hey, Nick. It's me, Jess.

I have really bad news.

We have to go to
a one-year-old's birthday party.

I'm not interested
in that birthday party.

Thank you for the invitation.

Good night.

I'm so hungover.

- Why today?
- What?

You think it went bad?

We're your new neighbors.

Um, I think y-your bagel
fell out of your mouth.

I'm Jewish.

Why didn't you guys tell me I was
still wearing ladies' sunglasses?

I look like
Magic Johnson's son, EJ.

Hey, you guys, I got a problem.

You know that guy that I'm dating?

Buster, your child bride?

He's 20, okay?
Not that it matters.

Is he smooth all over?
Does he take baths in the sink?

I sent him a bunch
of drunk texts last night.

- What?
- Mmm.

Oh, dear Lord.

- I know.
- "I miss the way that your hands smell"?

Did you write an entire
Jewel song in here?

Is it from Pieces of You?

You want to buy a rabbit with him?

This isn't a text message,

it's a freaking Russian novel.

Okay, well, you know what,
what do I do?

Text him one of the little yellow men.
The-the emoticons.

You know, with the...
with the fa... with the faces.

I hate all of you.

Okay, so we really
tanked it with those babes.

Look, we need to orchestrate

a situation which allows us

to put our best foot forward.

- That's easy. We help 'em move.
- Winston,

Winston... shh.

Why? It makes perfect sense.

Helping a girl move makes you come off
as a doormat, you know what I mean?

Honey, honey, honey, just...

listen to Coach.

Baby, look,

let us handle this,
okay? You go help Cece

with the text messages.

- You know, maybe I will.
- Okay.

But only because I really do
enjoy helping people.

You're gonna be great, buddy.

You're gonna do good things, man.

You think we were too harsh on him?

He makes you. He does.

Don't blame yourself.

How the hell did this happen?

I found some things
and I put them on.

- Throw this on.
- Mm.

- Okay. That'll do it.
- Cover up the tops.

You look great.

No.

- I couldn't have done it without you.
- No, you're...

you're getting emotional. You do
this when you're hungover,

but I'm gonna need you
to stay focused

so we can get to that party.

- Yeah. We just need the gift.
- Yeah.

I got the gift.

All right.

Why is it in the box?
It's supposed to be out

of the box, assembled.

I said I would put it together
before the party,

and it's before the party.
So what's the problem?

Just give me

five minutes.

Ten minutes, tops.

But I got this thing.

This is it.

Christmas morning.

Our little guy waiting
by the fireplace,

but there's no gift.

'Cause Daddy's in the other room
putting it together.

Did you say "our" kid?

Yeah, sometimes I think about
what our kid would be like.

Don't you?

Yeah.

You don't think about the future?

Can we not talk about this
right now? Six hours ago,

I was lapping cognac out
of Winston's hands.

Drink it up, Checkers.
Forget what you saw.

Never talk about anything serious
when you're hungover, Jess.

I don't even really think
about it that much.

I just think about, you know,
passing things. Just...

Nothing specific.
We live in a house by a lake.

- That sounds pretty specific.
- We live in a town

with a sense of history
but not so much history

that the locals are suspicious
of new people.

Two small children

who are so incredibly creative
they named themselves.

We don't need to discipline the
kids 'cause they're so afraid

of disappointing us.

Our house smells like cider.

And if there's a horse out back,

you're not gonna get
any guff from me.

Anyway, that's where I'm at.

What are you...
what are you thinking?

What, um...

Where do you picture us?

Where do you...
Nick.

Nick.

Mmm, mmm. Oh, God.

I still feel like crap.

Guys, will you, um,
look at this follow-up text

that I'm sending to Buster?

- It's for the little boy?
- Try to be helpful, okay?

- What are we looking at here?
- Are those nursing cats?

Winston said it was funny.

- It's not. It's incoherent.
- No.

It's borderline pornographic.

Wait, those are not cats.
That's a human man!

What is he suck...
What is he sucking on?

- What Web sites are you going to?
- What are you guys doing out here?

Obviously we're creating
an accidental bump-in

with our hot new neighbors.
Elevator's on the move.

You got to go. You're too hot.
You'll confuse them.

Yes, well, of course.
It's my garden party,

and Zachary Quinto
is not on the list.

Um, you sure
you can handle that, Winston?

- I'm fine. I'm fine.
- Ooh. Are you sure?

I'm fine. I'm fine.

To the right a little bit.
Up right.

- Son of a bitch.
- Okay. Thank you so much.

We'll get you some nice cold
lemonade after this, okay?

Ooh, be careful.

Oh! Good Lord.

You know what, we don't have
to talk about the future.

- Let's just put this toy together.
- I want to talk about the future.

- Okay. Great. All right.
- I would love to talk about it. Yes, great.

I always thought it would be
cool to be a long-haul trucker.

You want to be a long-haul
trucker with a family?

No, the family would be
in Montana. Or-or Mars Landing,

you know, if the government
finally steps up.

Where is Mars Landing?

Where is Mars Landing?
It's on M... It's on Mars.

It's the American capital of Mars.

And if you don't think
there's gonna be space travel

in the next 20 years,
then you've got your head

buried in sand, girlie.

It's already basically happening.

I always thought
I'd move back to Portland.

Oh. Portland, Earth?

It's like friendly San Francisco.

Slow food, fast bicycles,

great schools...

Education is very important to me.

That makes me happy.

It's something we agree on.

- I really want my kids to beg for it.
- What?

'Cause if you force a kid into
school, he's gonna hate it.

Oh, no.

If you make a kid work

and sit in the yard
and grind and grind

- and grind...
- What?

eventually, that little kid
is gonna beg for education.

Then you hand it to them

- like the gift that it should be.
- No!

That's why public school's a joke.

I'm so hungover

and my body's shutting down

and nothing you're saying
makes any sense.

There is something serious
I have to tell you

about the future.

The name of my firstborn child

has to be Reginald VelJohnson.

I lost a bet to Schmidt.

Reginald VelJohnson?

That is non-negotiable.
Unfortunately.

The dad from Family Matters?

Well, the actor who plays the dad.

The dad is Carl Winslow.

What was the bet on?

I said I could flip a big pancake...

...and I couldn't.

How is this going to work?!

The only upside is

the original name
was gonna be Ass Baby,

and I kind of talked my way
out of that one.

All of the guys in this building
are so sweet.

- It's no problem, yeah.
- Couldn't be easier, really.

Just a p...
piece of cake.

We love it.

You know, it was my idea
to help move.

The only reason we're doing this
is because you forced us to.

If we don't help now, we'll look bad.

Yeah, now they're gonna think of us

as "nice" and "helpful."
Nightmare.

Hey.

Hey.

Oh, cool!

Uh... your brother?

Actually, it's my boyfriend.

Yet he's not here to help you move.

- He's out of the country.
- Oh!

Afghanistan.
Second tour.

- Ah...
- Oh...

Please thank him for,

- uh, for his service.
- Yeah.

Are you and your boyfriend

and Michelle and her boyfriend
gonna go on a, like,

double date kind of thing

whenever he gets back
from Afghanistan?

She doesn't have a boyfriend.

She's not really
the relationship type.

- Oh.
- Okay.

I'm just having fun right now.

I feel you. No, I feel you.

Girl, I want to feel you...

And then there was one.

May the best man win.

- I am also involved in this.
- Winston, get out of here.

What is your problem?

And then there were three guys...

Here's what I'm saying:

Reginald is way too shy
to beg for an education.

He's very sensitive,
and when he's out on the horse,

all he's doing is staring at leaves

and writing poems about them.

Why do I have a horse?
You know how many

people are killed on
a horse every year?

Hey! You're not listening
to what I'm saying.

What I'm saying is,

I'm not gonna take Reginald
out on the damn lake

when you're out on
your space truck...

We're not living by the lake.

Why would I spend my hard-earned

truck driver money
on an Earth house?

- You make up so much science fiction...
- Science...

...but you know
nothing about science.

- Do you know what science is?
- Okay, science is more of a belief

- than anything else.
- No. Do you know what science is?

- Yes. What you believe in.
- Have you ever taken a science class?

I've taught two at a community college.

When did you teach science
at a community college?

I made that up. I didn't think
you were gonna fact-check me.

My kids are not gonna

beg for an education, okay?

They're gonna be forced
to go to school

just like everybody else

and they're gonna hate it!

Can I actually be very real
with you for a second?

- Yes.
- Here's what I really believe:

You can create
a plan for your life,

and then crazy things
get thrown at you,

and that, by the way,
is the closest thing

that I have to a plan.

So maybe it's crazy
to talk about being

an intergalactic truck driver.

But what I think is crazier

is trying to plan

every single detail of our future.

I think it's crazy not to.
I just can't

- live that way.
- I guess we just disagree.

Well, we never agree
on anything, ever, Nick.

Why are we doing this
right now, Jess? We're hungover.

Just because I want to know
we're going in the same direction,

- that we're on the same page.
- Yes, we are.

Well, we live on different planets!

Oh... You're talking
about the fake future!

I just...

I guess we want
different things.

Clearly, we do.

- Clearly, we do.
- All right,

so what are you saying?

Should we just break up?

Yeah, right.
Like we're just

- gonna break up!
- Just break up!

Over what?

You don't like lakes,

I don't like space.
That's okay!

This is not why people break up!

I break up with thee, sir!

I break up...

I don't do voices.

I think I'm still drunk.

Let's just get to the party.

- Build this toy and go.
- Yeah.

Let's do it.
We are

an unstoppable toy-building team!

Yes, we are.

Yeah.

All right, well, first hurdle:

the instructions
are written upside-down.

Ah, it's a false alarm.

Okay, hit me.
What do you got?

Okay, take the thing

- that looks like a meth lab
- This thing?

...and put it in the thing

that looks like a pipe bomb.

- Oh, hey!
- Hey!

Now we're cooking with gas.

- We're a good team.
- I agree.

You know what, Jess...
and if you want to move

to Portland in the future,

then we're gonna move to Portland.

You know, we'll live by the lake.

I'll learn to fish,

and me and Reginald will start

a newsletter, you know...

"Lake Father, Lake Son."

And you know what?

If you want to be
a long-haul trucker,

I can deal with that
for six months, tops.

- Yes!
- Um, this piece is a little sticky,

- but I think I can just jam it.
- Ah!

- What did you just do, Jess?
- Oh. Well, I put

the swastika in the guillotine.

How is this a children's toy?

Why is it so brittle?

What is that?

I'm not sure what I've been doing.

Hey, Michelle.

Hey.

You guys are lifesavers.

You have beautiful taste, by the way.

Really. Is this early Californian?

You know, this color, actually,

it symbolizes a woman's fertility.

Huh. I was pregnant once.

Cool.

- What-what do you know?
- Yeah.

- Thank you, guys.
- No, thank you.

- So much.
- You bet.

- All right. Talk to you la...
- You see her blink at me?

Wait, you think that was a sex blink?

That wasn't a sex blink.

That was definitely a sex blink, dude.

You would not know a sex blink
if it blinked you in the sex.

- What?
- It's over already, man.

You don't have a shot.

'Cause the chicks you pull are gremlins.

You did not just talk about my chicks.

My chicks look great.

Just like me.

I'm saying my chicks

- literally look just like me.
- All of 'em.

In varying color,

but they look like me.

That is super awkward,

and I don't feel like you know what

- you're saying right now.
- Whoops!

Oh...
Coach!

Oh, man, I can't believe

you just did that to her vase.

Whoa! Dude!

I will knock you out
where you stand,

and you...
in the ground.

I will pound you from the side!

I will pound you from the back!
That sounded weird.

Once again, Schmidt has found himself

in a position where he is infuriated!

I will fight your face!

I will freak out so hard

on you right now, you don't
even know, on your face.

What are you two...

Oh, my goodness. Guys!

Her study-abroad mirror?

Her dream vase?

Come on, guys.

Have some self-respect.

We're...

Hey, Jess?

I don't think that belongs there.

That's why it doesn't fit in.

Well, I don't think this
water bottle goes here, either.

But you put it there.

Well, why did we take
the toy out of the box?

We could have just given
the box to the kid.

What does he know?
He's one.

He eats pennies.
And he poos in his pants.

Because not putting
the toy together is lazy.

- So, if we can't put the toy together...
- I-I know, but it's not gonna fit.

You can't just keep
pushing it because it...

Oh, God.

- Okay, where's the tape?
- Oh, we used all the tape.

- Oh, you used all the tape.
- Yeah, to fix the things that you broke.

- You used a lot of duct tape.
- Actually you broke a lot of pieces.

All right, give it to me.
I'm gonna use a lighter.

And I'm gonna melt the plastic.
I'm gonna weld it together.

What? You don't think
that's a good idea?

No, you should, I think
you should try it.

I also like doing Zippo tricks.

- Ow! Aah, I burned my finger!
- What happened?! Are you okay?

Yeah, it's fine.
My skin's a little bubbly.

Well, I knew that was a bad idea.

Then why didn't you say anything?

Why didn't you put the toy together

when I gave it to you two weeks ago?

Because I'm not Santa Claus!

I don't just put toys together

two weeks in advance!
And also,

it's none of my business what
they want to do with the toy.

Maybe they want to return it.

Maybe they want to put it

together as a family.

That is not my business.

What do you want from me, Jess?

I just want you to take
a little more responsibility.

Just a little bit more.

And I want you to have
a little faith in me!

I've gotten this far in my life.

And I'm doing just fine.

I mean, for the most part.

There's definitely a few
blunders here and there

that we could look past.

Whatever...

The blanket's on fire!

I can see that, Jess.
Go get a bucket.

Where is it? In the kitchen?

No, that's for meat.

We need a different bucket.

Oh, right!

The famous meat bucket!

You said the meat bucket
was a brilliant idea!

Why would I think an unrefrigerated

bucket of meat was a good idea?!

To taste what meat tasted like
before electricity!

Why would you want that?!

Why did you say it was brilliant!?

Because, Nick...

if I was always honest with you...

then we would never stop fighting.

- Let's go!
- We have to go!

Wait, my hat!

What?
My hat.

So sorry. I'm sorry.
So sorry. Sorry.

It was uncool.

I'm so sorry!
Do you need...?

Here, do you want...? Oh.

- How did this happen?
- It was Winston's fault.

He just ca... he carries
things wrong.

What?!

I have heard just
about enough from you two.

What? Ow!

Winston!

Girls, I know you're
both smart enough

to know exactly
who broke your things.

It's the same two clowns

who've been trying
to sex Michelle

every which way from Tuesday.

I mean, I ain't gonna lie.
I've been trying

to sex you every which way
from Tuesday myself.

I'd be crazy not to, Michelle.

You're a very beautiful woman.

You have crazy witch eyes,
and I dig it.

You're like a witch!
You know.

But I'm a good guy.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have a job to do.

My name is Winston Bishop.

Welcome to the building.

Whoa, Winston, I would
not... that's a...

- Winston, what are you doing?
- That's a big...

- Okay.
- Aah!

- Oh! Whoa!
- Son of a...

Winston, you do know that the
building's on fire, right?

I got this! Move, move!

Cece, hey.

Oh, hey, um,

I didn't think you would
pick up the phone.

I'll-I'll make this quick.

'Cause I'm sure you hate
talking on the phone.

Oh, I actually do.

'Cause I'd much rather,

um, talk in person.

You know? Face to face?

What are you doing here?

I just, I was, uh, walking
over here to see you.

Mm-hmm.
And then you called me.

Didn't all those texts
really freak you out?

Oh, no, no, no, no.
They freaked me out.

I thought you were gonna murder me.

You know, I called my mother,
changed my locks.

Then I kind of, you know,
had a change of heart,

and I thought, "Well, you
know, I like this girl."

I'd much rather just come

and look at you with my eyes.

And talk to you with my face.

If you ever got off the damn phone.

- Yeah.
- Right?

- I, mm-hmm. I understand.
- Hi, Cece. How are you?

- Hungover?
- Yes.

Would you like to come
and get some pancakes?

Yeah, I could, I could
use some pancakes.

It's gonna be a bouncy ride.

My kangaroo's around the corner.

But I did bring an extra
helmet. You're lucky.

All right.

Nick, why is this so hard?

I don't want to fight all the time.

I don't know, and it's awful.

Do you ever miss when
we were just friends, Jess?

And there wasn't this pressure

to be together and to be...

- Be different people?
- Yes.

Be different people.

I'm sorry, but I'm not
that guy who's gonna

put the toy together.
That's just not me.

I'm the kind of guy who's
gonna leave it in the box.

I don't want you to be that guy.

I-I want you to be yourself.

I want you to be yourself.

Are we...?

No! I love you!

- Well, I love you, too.
- More than I've ever loved anybody.

But what if that's the only thing
we have in common?

I miss my friend.

I really miss my friend, too.

So, what does that mean?

Are we...?

Yeah.

Earn this.

Was that Saving Private Ryan?

It was. It was a hu-huge moment
in that movie.

And I just, I know this is a moment.

So, um, I'll walk you
to your room then, I guess.

- Schmidt is living in my room.
- Schmidt's in your room, yeah.

Yeah.

Do you think I could...?

- Yeah, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- It's cool.

Jess?

Jess, you didn't have to run away.

I don't know
what you're so afraid of.

It's just a man doing full
downward facing dog in the nude.

It's a couple of testicles
just hanging upside down.

I can hear you laughing in there.

Yeah, you liked it.

You telling Nick about it?

What's he saying?