New Girl (2011–2018): Season 3, Episode 15 - Exes - full transcript

This is why I buy my food
from gas stations, Jess.

Nick, you knocked over a
wheelbarrow full of fruit,

and then you actually
skipped away.

Guys, I'm trying to
concentrate, okay?

The LAPD does not offer entrance
exams every single day.

Just Mondays and Fridays. But
I am not waiting till Friday.

- Hey, why do you have so
much fruit? - Because this one

ran into his ex-girlfriend
at the farmer's market.

Nick?

Hey! No way!

Caroline of my past. What
a pleasant surprise.



My ex-lover... No!

I don't deal with exes.
They're part of the past.

You burn 'em swiftly and you
give their ashes to Poseidon.

I'm really good
friends with Berkley,

and we had a terrible
breakup... Come on, what?

You have a good relationship with
him because he wants to bone you.

He's a stay-at-home dad. His entire
life revolves around his family.

He's the most emotionally
evolved person I know.

And I'm sure his favorite emotion is
the emotion of wanting to bone you.

That's not an emotion.

Possible sex is the only reason people
stay "friends" with their exes.

- Come on.
- Back me up, Winnie the Bish.

Yeah, that's true. I mean,
I'm friends with all my exes...

- See?
- ...families.



- Ha-ha! See? - I still send
Shelby's dad a Father's Day card,

and he still sends me five
bucks on my birthday.

- What is wrong with you?
- That's nice. - Hey, guys.

- I bet Coach is friends
with his exes. - No.

- Oh, for sure, yeah.
- Yeah! I'm right!

- For sex. - No!
- Ha-ha! I'm right!

Can't spell "sex"
without the "ex."

Man, is that sexy
when he does that.

Announcement: I finally
finished my loft.

Hold the applause.

Let's go. All right. Come on.

C-Come on, you guys.
All together, now.

We're not... Who's coming?

Let's go. Come on, Nick.

- I don't want to go, man. Thanks for
the invite. - Nah, come on. Winnie.

No?

♪ Who's that girl?

♪ Who's that girl? ♪
♪ It's Jess.

Jess: You and Caroline
still need some closure.

Well, what do you
want me to say?

That I walked out on her
and now I'm dating you?

We started dating, like, a
year after you broke up.

Yeah, but that doesn't
matter with her.

She's got a crazy streak, and
this is bound to set her off.

What if she hurts
me physically?

What if she hurts
me with words?

Just talk to her. Clear the air.

You'll feel better,
she'll feel better.

Besides, Nick, I can't give
up that farmer's market.

Strolling around,
chatting with vendors...

It's so nice. I feel
like Don Corleone.

I think a lot of ladies do.

(hoarse): Hey.
(clears throat)

Hey...

(coughs)

(clears throat)

Sorry about that.

Haven't spoken
anybody all day.

Phlegm buildup, you know?

I've been cooped up all
day in my loft apartment.

So much space for one
person, you know?

You could scream in there,
nobody would ever hear you.

I'm gonna go.

Bye.

What is going on?

May I speak plainly
with you, Cecilia?

(sighs)

I'm in a bit of a
sexual drought.

The Good Valley Schmidt
hasn't seen rain in months.

You're just... you're
giving off a creepy vibe.

All right? Living alone is messing up
your game and it's making you weird.

Yeah, but I love
living alone.

Where are you, grapes?

Grápés.

Great apes.

Grapes, we have
you surrounded.

Come out with your stems up!

(sniffles)

(sobbing loudly)

I guess my game could be
upped if I increased my...

- my human contact
a little bit. - Good.

Because you're caressing
your own arm right now.

- Hmm.
- That's not normal, man.

I've been working out.
It feels... I don't...

I just want to know
why you walked out.

Was there something else going on?
Was there someone else?

Can I just say,

I really wish this
coffee was a giant beer.

And I wish this scone was a-a
whiskey and I could just

drink one... just chase 'em.

This is nice.

Glad we're doing this.

So how'd it go?

We gabbed like a couple of washer
women over the back fence.

That's great. So
proud of you.

(tires screech)

You two are dating?

I knew it. I knew it was her!

What...?

You didn't tell her
we were together?!

I told her we were together.

I'm not getting away with
this. I didn't tell her.

Caroline:
Screw you, Miller!

Hey, I don't understand. You
guys talked for 30 minutes.

- How did our relationship not
come up? - 'Cause I got scared.

There were so many things
that I wanted to tell her.

You ever thought how weird it would
be if you just gave up your thumb?

You just didn't have a thumb. I mean, how
would you give a thumbs up? Just like this?

I think a guy died in the
building, 'cause one day

in the Dumpster is a bunch
of clothes that just fit me.

(with British accent): What I like to
do now is take the Underground, yeah?

Spend my quid. Cheers?

(phone chimes)

Oh, crap. This is her.

She thinks I cheated, Jess.

You know who you
should talk to?

Berkley.

He's so good at this stuff...
friendship, closure.

Actually, he did write a book
about it. It's an e-book.

I gave it four stars, but it
kind of falls apart at the end.

He goes into God in a way
I don't think he needs to.

You know what?
I'm gonna text him?

Why would I talk to your
ex-boyfriend about my ex-girlfriend?

Well, you need his help.

- You're right. Give me.
Can I see? - No, no, no.

- Can I see?
- Yeah. Yeah.

- "Hey, babe..." Don't call him "babe."
- It's just what we call each other.

- "BF problems"?
- My boyfriend is having problems.

- XOXO?
- It's a really common greeting.

"Kissing you, hugging you,
kissing you, hugging you"?

What else am I gonna write? "O-O-O"?
That just looks like "Oh..."

You're leading him on, Jess.

- Oh, Nick.
- You are.

Berkley's really gonna
teach you a lot.

Men don't talk to
people they've dated

unless they want sex,
or they're Winston.

- I also want sex.
- Going to Schmidt's.

He's been begging
us to all week.

Jess, men are sick.

Look, I'm a relatively good
guy, but even I'm a sicko.

Luckily, we have the Internet
as a community of...

(phone chimes)

Oh, this is terrible!

She's quoting scriptures, but
using tons of cuss words.

- This is as bad as it gets
with Caroline. - Okay.

Berkley's around the corner at
his baby's world music class.

Okay, you know
what? I'm in.

- Great. - What kind of
beer does Berkley like?

- He doesn't. - Oh, great.
I cannot wait to meet him.

Fellas.

You made it. As promised,
here's a coupon for a free sub.

Yup.
(chuckles)

Probably get ham.

Wow, man. (laughs)

- It's nice inside of here, man.
- Yeah.

- It's like a European airport.
- Oh, what's that?

Uh, you want to
watch the game?

Which one? Basketball? Football?

Of Thrones?

Winston and Coach: Oh!

Winston: That is awesome, man.

Look at this place, Schmidt. You
got so many plush surfaces.

Well, there are 15 different
bang spots in here,

each one specifically designated
to its own sexual position.

- Winston: Mm. - That's standing,
this is sitting, that's diagonal.

- (laughs) That's how I do it.
- The "Why? Why? Because."

The "Closure of the
Lincoln Tunnel."

The "Red Beanbag Chair."

Which is pretty obvious, but,
you know, that's a good one.

The "Glass Menagerie."

- The "Bike Share."
- Nice.

- The "Backwards Oops."
- What is "backwards oops"?

You don't want
to put it... mm.

- You don't know what it means.
- I mean, I don't...

I've done it, I've done it, but I didn't
know I was doing it. You know, it was...

Super cool, dude.

- I wish I had my own place.
- Guys, mi casa es su casa.

- I even made you guys keys.
- What?

Check these out.
That one's yours.

- Aw, it looks like a guitar.
- Yeah, that's 'cause you're rocking.

Mine's a...

It's a rainbow
kissing a star.

- You like it?
- Blah!

- Yeah. - Guys, hang out
here anytime you want.

- Even now. Who's thirsty?
- Thanks.

- Right there.
- Dude!

- Shut up!
- Damn, man.

- You're like James Bond.
- (chuckles)

But I'll be... I'll be
Moneypenny for sure.

- Yeah. - Wait, which
one is Moneypenny?

It's the woman.

Oh.

(whispering)

So, did the store have that, uh,
bamboo highchair you were looking for?

No, not the one I wanted. So
I think I'm just gonna...

Both: Order it online.

- (laughs)
- You still got it.

You still got it.

Big deal, I've been
online, too. I still got it.

It's different.
(phone chimes)

So, this is the problem.

Nick didn't tell his ex
that we were together,

and she found out, and now
she's really, really upset.

This is the scariest one yet.

It's just a bunch
of smiley faces.

Okay, um, not to be
all guy with a baby,

but, uh, exes are really
a lot like newborns, okay?

The burps can be so yucky,

but you know what
comes after a burp?

What?

A big old smile.

Aw.

What the hell are
you talking about?

- It was a metaphor, Nick.
- It was a classic fatherhood metaphor.

No, my-my point is you
just need to face her

and let her get it
all off her chest.

- Oh, I feel like I've done that.
- No, you didn't.

You just talked and talked
about nothing for 30 minutes.

Berkley: Okay, look, I know it's hard.
I know that, man.

I'm here and I'm hearing it.

I mean, when Jess and I did this, I
think we cried for, like... two days?

I mean, at least. But look.

Now I have such a good friend,
and we talk all the time,

- and he's such a good listener.
- Say what? I can't hear you.

(laughs)

(laughs)

Is this real?

You guys saw each other naked,
and now you're friends?

Yes, it's the purest
form of friendship.

Straight Leno and Eubanks.

(laughs)

I just want to say
you're incredible,

and I'm so lucky to
have you in my life.

- Okay, I took your advice.
- What do we got?

"My bad. Let's be
friends, 'kay?"

Smooth, but tough.

That's not good, Nick.

Friendship is a, um...

it's like a beautiful flower.
You have to nourish it, okay?

- You can't just buy it
at a store. - All right.

First of all, it was a draft,
okay, and I'll fix it.

And second of all,
with all due respect,

you can buy a
flower at a store.

(laughs)

Millered!

Schmidt: I know as an angel
you usually sleep in heaven,

but would you care to spend
the evening at my place?

I think maybe I would.

Fantastic choice.

Here's my address.

There's usually
no place to park.

- Well, so where would I...?
- You're a big girl.

You'll figure it out.

Uh, just tr-try
south of Sixth.

There's usually a string
of open spaces down there.

And there's not a right turn
on red on Fifth, just FYI.

Okay, here's the deal. I've been wanting
to end things with Claire for years now.

And I'm gonna do it. It's
gonna take one phone call.

- What? - She's gonna burn
all my clothes on the lawn.

I don't care. I only want
to wear Henleys anyways.

Jess, we can finally
be together.

What?!

Wait, no, but
leave your wife?!

For you. I'm gonna
leave my wife for you.

- Wait, what...?
- "Thank you for being so incredible."

"So lucky to have
you in my life"?

- Jess.
- Mm-mm.

- When you said those
words, I knew. - No.

Berkley, there's been a fundamental
misunderstanding here.

You know the last time Claire
thanked me for anything?

It was when I was pulling out
her chair at our wedding.

- No... - She doesn't
appreciate me like you do.

No, it's not happening.
No, no...

Aah! Damn it, Winston!
Oh, God.

Pretend this is attached, and
there's water coming out.

Okay.

No, not like that.

(makes whooshing noise)

It's not sexual!

No! I'm not feeding
you water!

- Wet my mouth.
- No!

Oh, hi.

- Are you Schmidt's friend?
- What?

Sch-Schmidt's friend?

Where you at? 'Cause
I'm ready to ea...

Hey!

My good friend... Frank...

Scabopolis!

Ah, give me a hug, you
Greek son of a bitch!

- Come here!
- What?

- Where is this coming from?
- You. The phone calls, the texts,

"Boyfriend problems," "I
need you," hugs, kisses.

- What?
- More hugs, more kisses.

- I... - You have been setting
up dominoes for ten years.

- And now they are falling.
- You have a baby, sir!

I know. And you are gonna
make such a good stepmom.

I love you, Jessica.

God, it feels good to say that out
loud and not just to my sleeping wife.

Nick: (groans)

- Guys, I need your help.
- You, hey!

Nick was right about you,
and he can't know that,

- so put a sock in it!
- What is wrong with me?

- Hi. - Hey.
- I keep trying to write to Caroline,

but I'm choking. I can't
get past "What's up, C?"

(phone chimes)

Oh, that's her. It says, "Come
to the window, friend." Friend.

- That's good. That's good.
- That's a good thing. Yeah.

Caroline! Hey!

You cheat on me and then
you want to be friends?!

I'm just writing
you an e-mail!

It's-it's not sending!

Look, gonna throw it down,
but I need my phone back!

- We talk now!
- Caroline! Hey!

(car alarm wailing)

- Stop!
- Really excited to...

- No!
- ...talk to you guys.

Hey, stop! That's not my car!

Tell Jess I said hi.

No, Caroline, I parked
down the street!

It... Why am I telling you?!

At least she can't get
into the building.

Okay, what am I
gonna do here?

She cut off the power.

No, Nick, that was you.
You turned off the light.

All the other lights
are still on.

My bad. Thank you.

(quietly): I know you're scared.
Let me be brave.

You should go because
you have a wife,

and you have a baby,
and you love them.

Jess, what are you, crazy?

It's not safe out there. Berkley
can't go. He stays here.

- I don't think that... - Thank you, Nick.
- You're very welcome.

I'll be with you in just
one second, all right?

- Mm-hmm. - And don't drink
the water by the bed.

It's got my contacts in it.

(laughs)

- What are you doing?
- What are you doing?

And t-tell her that I'd like to be
reimbursed for those strawberries.

- What...? Dude.
- Why is she calling you Schmidt?

I told her my name was Schmidt
in case we saw your mail.

I don't just leave mail out. This
isn't a small business. Get out.

Dude, I'm about to seal
the deal. I'm not getting out.

I'm about to...
I'm-I'm a deal sealer.

I'm about to get
some squish, dude,

- and you need to not get in between that.
- I'm about to nail it into the wall.

Dude, I'm about to take
down that va-dragon.

I'm about to pin the tail
on the va-donkey, dude.

You better not stand
in the way of this.

Don't call her a va-donkey.
I don't even know her well

and I want her to leave,
but please don't call her

- a va-d... va-donkey.
- I won't. All right. Please.

I need this.

Okay, fine. I will
use the guest room.

- Yes.
- Like an animal.

Oh, yes.

Oh! Winston! What
are you doing?!

Oh, we were just playing a game.

You know, Bad Cop, Black Cop?

It's me, Bertie!

(groans)
(elevator bell dings)

Um, I might have been
wrong about some things,

um, some Berkley things.

Hey, the screaming stopped.

I knew she'd run out of gas.
(pounding on door)

- "My bad"?!
- What?

"Let's be friends, 'kay"?!

You couldn't even
write out "okay"?!

It's go time, Nick. Time to
break out that burp cloth.

Jess, let's give
him some space...

- (whispers): by going to a motel.
- I don't love you.

- I got a slight beer buzz.
Let's do it. - Yeah, don't go.

- I thought you wanted me to
talk to her. - Don't go right now.

I'm sorry. You don't love me?

- Say it again?
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

- Oh... What?! - Then why have
you led me on for ten years?

Oh, hell on Earth no!

Oh, my God, I was right.

- He wants to bone you.
- Oh, come on, Nick!

Nick: Caroline, I'll
be right there.

I'm so sorry, Berkley.
You got cut off.

- Thank you, sir.
- No.

Berkley: May, 2004.

You brushed my hand at
Dave Matthews concert

- during "Two Step."
- "Two Step"?

- Oh, my God. - Or that time
that I helped you move,

and I came over, I was
wearing sweatpants.

You couldn't stop
staring at my rig.

- She loves looking at rigs.
- Why are you calling it a rig?!

- You're doing it again.
- One second, Caroline!

Open this door!

You think I wear this
sweater because I like it?

It's a handsome sweater.

- That's right, I love you.
- No!

- Berkley: What do you mean, no?
- Ooh!

Open the door!
Come on!

Schmidt?

You said to me that
I was incredible

and you were so lucky,
and now here we are,

we're trying to hook up
Nick with his ex-girlfriend.

- I mean, that's what this is, right?
- No, it isn't. That's not what...

So let's just do it, come on.

- Hey, hey,
- Berkley, Berkley!

- Oh, no!
- No, no!

- No, what are you doing?
- Oh, no.

- 'Kay!
- Oh, hey!

- Car-o-line.
- Yeah...

You stole my boyfriend.

Schmidt?

Be right there!

That should buy us some time.
Coach, you stay with your girl

who thinks that you're
me in my bedroom.

Winston, you stay in the
guest room with Bertie doing

whatever the hell it
is you guys are doing.

- Gross.
- I'm gonna keep Sarah...

(knocking)
Almost there!

I'm gonna keep Sarah
in the living room,

using one of the living-dining-
open-floor-plan bang spots.

Now, no exits, no entrances,
no Noises Off baloney.

Capeesh?

Confirm my capeesh!

- Capeesh!
- (mutters gibberish)

- Let's go. Do it.
- All right.

- Guys, guys!
- Right.

This is the exact type of
baloney that I'm talking about.

Unbelievable. Guys, guys!

I'm really glad that
we're doing this.

- Okay.
- All right.

I did not steal
your boyfriend.

Timeline. Now.

Okay, um...

you and Nick break up.

London has a great Olympics.

Uh-oh, trouble in Syria.

Board up your windows.
Superstorm Sandy.

Hey, over here. Me and
Nick get together.

And here's that beautiful Sunday in
the park that you and I went to,

- and we have a wonderful Sunday.
- Shut up, Berkley!

- No, you shut up, Jess.
- Don't take this out on Jess.

Oh, oh, right, it's the beginning,
so you're being all supportive now.

He's still trying. I mean, I bet he's
still laughing at all your jokes, right?

Well...

I have a great
instinct for comedy.

All right, well, you know what, you
enjoy all that while it lasts,

because I'll tell you what.

It's not gonna be
long before he stops

holding your hand and
starts high-fiving you

and he stops letting you be the
little spoon and he starts

drifting off during
important conversations.

Are you listening right now?

What's that?

- Seriously, Nick?
- Jess, you're the girlfriend now,

but one day you're
gonna be the ex.

And two years after he breaks up with
you, he still won't tell you why.

Um, okay, well, um...

this has been a really,
um, neat talk, so, um...

I'm gonna go... sit
in the shower,

and, um, go over the
greatest hits in my mind.

Berkley: I'll just be right here,
picturing the whole sudsy thing.

Hey, hey, ho, I'm right here.
How about a little respect?

I know. What, you... This
is obviously happening.

- Jess: No, it's not!
- Where's your brain?

Hey, Jess, you okay?

(voice breaking): No.

This is the worst thing
that's ever happened to me.

(sobs): I've led a
very fortunate life.

- Look, Jess, you were right.
- No, you were right.

I feel like such a fool.

You were right
about everything.

No, I wasn't.

Caroline deserves
to know why I left.

And you should hear, too.

- I said I'm thirsty! Stop! Let me go, boy!
- No, no, no, come, come...

Whoa!

Who the hell are you?

Who the hell are you?

- Schmidt.
- What?

Frank Scabopolis is up in here
making out with some bitch.

- Schmidt: That's not necessary. I mean...
- Who's Frank Scabopolis?

- Aren't you Schmidt?!
- I-I am Schmidt.

- I thought you were Schmidt.
- I am Schmidt.

Uh... Uh, w-we're brothers.

We are, we're-we're brothers.
What an upbringing that was.

Yeah, same mom,
different dads.

One browner.

(sighs)

Then who the hell is
Frank Scabopolis?

Yeah.
(door opens)

I am Frank Scabopolis!

(sighs)

Is this helping, Schmidt?
I forgot the plan.

- Winston, please shut up.
- Plan? What plan?!

I... there's no plan. I
know nothing about a plan.

Is this some little nasty group sex
games y'all got going on up in here?

Been a couple years, but...

- I'm down.
- (groans)

- I didn't want to know that.
- I am out of here.

- I'm way ahead of you.
- No, no, please!

Sarah, please, wait!
I can... ugh.

(sighs)

Just...

(clears throat) Well,
I'm gonna go back to bed.

Schmidt, that
mattress is heaven.

It's pretty good.

See?

You don't think I'm
scary, do you, baby?

- Oh, whoa!
- Oh!

- No. Hey, no.
- (laughs)

- I was just kidding.
- No.

Hey, Caroline, there's
something I need to say.

- Nick, you don't have to do this.
- Nick: No, I-I do.

Look, I never cheated on you,
but I might as well have.

See, I fell in love with Jess the
moment she walked through the door.

- Boo!
- Really?

Sorry.

The moment I walked
through the door?

Really?

'Cause I thought
I annoyed you.

- Can we do this later, please? It's just
not a good... - Yeah, okay. Got it, yup.

Caroline, she's the
reason that I left.

I always thought
that it was Jess.

I'm glad I'm not crazy.

- Well...
- Hmm.

Thanks for telling
me the truth.

Oh, I'm just sorry it
didn't happen sooner.

- Don't touch me.
- I'm so sorry.

- I was kidding. - There's that
famous Milwaukee humor.

- I'm not from Milwaukee.
- You honestly scare me.

- Good-bye, Nick.
- Bye.

Jess: Hey.

Look, Berkley, um,

I'm so sorry that you got
the wrong idea about us.

You were right.

I did play some part in it.

Thank you.

- Good luck, Jessica.
- Thanks.

See you later, bud.

(sighs)

I really don't want to go back to
my wife. Do you guys want to play

- cards or something...
- Go. Just go. - Get out of here.

(door closes)

The moment I walked
through that door, huh?

Just be cool about it.

'Cause for me, it
was way later.

- Yeah, I know.
- Like, a lot later...

Oh, come here already.

You could use that
for something.

- That's the "Glass Menagerie."
- Yeah.

- I'll sit her down right on top of that.
- Oh, absolutely.

- The, uh, "Star 68."
- Where's that at?

- Right there on that pillow.
- Oh.

- Wow.
- The "Jumanji."

Yeah, you do the...
the "U Lock" on here.

- That'd be cool. - (chuckles)
- The "Jean-Michel Basquiat."

- Oh, okay.
- The "Fabric Softener."

That's the "Kansas
City Shaker."

- This, right here? I like that.
- Yeah.

Back there, that's
the "Nia Vardalos."

- Ooh. That's nice, dude.
- Nice.

That one's "Sex on the Rug,"

which is... and, again,
it's pretty obvious.

But that's... you know,
why mess with a classic?