New Girl (2011–2018): Season 1, Episode 21 - Kids - full transcript

But you're using
birth control, right?

Yeah, of course.

It's just that Schmidt
gets so athletic

that birth control
becomes like one

of those plastic barbecue
covers in a hurricane.

I didn't want to know that.

Okay,

the pregnancy test doesn't work

until after six days,

so just get through the weekend

and don't tell Schmidt
until you're sure.



Yeah, no, of course not,
of course.

It's just...

I can't stop thinking

about what a Schmidt baby
would be like.

Just, I mean, I, I don't know.

Would it just want
to nurse 24 hours a day?

Probably.

We could make it, like,
a douche baby jar.

Oh, my God.

Ladies, ladies,

what is all the
screaming about?

Oh, my... Jess,

have you finally agreed
to be our third?

Because, you know,
we've discussed this.



We have never talked
about that, Schmidt.

What? Schmidt, this
is not the time.

Schmidt, we were just thinking

about what you might
have been like as a baby.

Oh, I was the bomb
diggity as a baby.

I mean, I was, I was,
like, break-dancing

at eight months old.

But they say that I needed
a magnum size diaper.

- Oh, my God.
- Get out. Seriously?

# Who's that girl? #
# Who's that girl? #

1x21
- Kids -

All right, what's with the suit?

And if you say swing dancing,

I'm gonna slap your face.

Well, my boss is going
to be on TV today...

Michael Strahan's new talk
show On the Strahan Narrow.

- Great show.
- He's got too many DUls

to drive himself, so I guess
I got to take him.

Sit in my room, Schmidt.

Cece's resting.

Hey, guys, um, listen up.

Uh, Sarah is going to be here in
a few minutes, so best behavior.

Who's Sarah?
Russell's daughter,

so no F-bombs,
P-bombs.

Actually, no "B" through "S"
bombs, no bombs,

and no bringing home
college girls, Berlusconi.

Hey, that's not fair.

The girl I've been
hanging out with

is totally mature
and interesting.

Please put on some pants.

Everything you say sounds
really creepy

- when you're not wearing pants.
- Your hair looks nice.

Ugh.
- Mmm, this coffee is smoldering.

So creepy.

So what's with the babysitting?

I think he's
actually testing me.

I think he's seeing
if I can be a mom.

- Are you nervous?
- It's nothing I can't handle.

I'm halfway there...
I'm already her teacher,

so...

Oh, she's here.

Um, Nick, uh, put on some pants

or at least
some really high socks.

High socks it is.

Hi, Ms. Day.

Hi, Sarah.

I can be here
in under five minutes

if I need to be.

Honestly I wouldn't
have agreed to this,

except my husband
is out of town,

and you're Sarah's
favorite teacher

and my husband's
favorite teacher.

Um, hey, um, I hope
this doesn't sound rude,

but, um, you keep saying
"husband"

and I just want to make sure
you and Russell...

you're not still married?

Oh... no, no.

'Cause I just, like, wanted
to make sure there wasn't

some very important piece
of information

that I totally missed.

No, I mean, but he'll
always be my husband,

if you know what I mean.

Yeah.

Actually, could you explain
what you mean very clearly?

Cece's acting really weird.

Do you think she's
getting tired of me?

I mean, look, it's been,
like, months of non-stop sex.

I mean, what can I do if she doesn't
let me hit the fifth chakra?

- I'm not listening to you.
- I'm just, I'm just saying, look,

do you think she wants something
more than sex?

Do you think she's
finally becoming a girl?

'Cause I can't
handle that, man.

Hey, boss.
What are you doing?

- Hmm?
- Look...

W-W-Wait, n-n-no,
yesterday you said noon,

- but it's only 10:30.
- Do you think that I've become too dependent

- on a hot lava massage?
- Hmm?

- I'm gonna be there in just a second.
- What about costumes?

- I got to go, bye.
- Do you think I made her dress up too much?

Look, man, I'm not going
to sit here

and bond with you
about this, all right?

I got to go babysit my boss.

Hey, Schmidt, you
gonna stay for dinner?

We're going to borrow
your pasta maker.

Oh, that's great,
are you gonna teach Sarah

your recipe
for overcooked mush?

Ha, ha, no, I'm
teaching her about Italy.

I'm coming with a date...

Chloe.
Uh, no, you're not.

You are not bringing
any of those girls around Sarah.

Hey, you must be Sarah.

And you guys are wrong

about Chloe. Okay, Chloe
is smart and she's mature

and she knows about art
and famous artists like Banksy

and the guy who did
the Obama poster

and, you know, like,
Chalk Outline Guy.

That's stupid.

Your eyes are so brown.

They look like poop.

Be honest with me...
do my eyes look like poo?

There's a bit of
a, a poopy-ish hue.

Old poo eyes.

Oh, hey.

I like your house.

It's not my house!

- Go, go!
- What?

Go!

- What's going on?
- What are you talking about, man?

I'm sweating spicy ban hoaw,
wearing a Cambodian woman's shoes.

What do you think is going on?
I don't know, I'm just trying to give you

an opportunity to lie to me,
Joe, just trying to be polite.

Actually, the ancient Egyptians
made pasta

by flattening the dough
with their feet.

Cool, huh?

Sarah?

Hey.

Why do you have so many bras?

You're a teacher.

Teachers need bras, too.

You know, like, all
that erasing and stuff.

It's like...

That's an after-
school bra.

Can I get out of doing homework

because you're dating my dad?

No.

Um, hey, I know
having your teacher

dating your dad
is weird, um, but

I just want you to know that,
um, you can ask me anything.

Really?

Yeah, anything.

Are you in love with my dad?

Hmm... oh...

Do you and my dad
ever dry-lump?

G... uh...

- Is sexting cool?
- What? No, it's not cool.

Have you done a 99?

I think that's a tax form.

Have you ever given
anyone plow jobs?

I don't know.

How do you make love
to a person animal-style?

Do you want to learn
how to play bridge?

I've been doing some thinking, and

I think it's time

that I take you on a real date.

You're asking me out on a date?

Yeah, it'll be
our first real date.

Now, Italy on Ice
is a celebration

of all things Italian

featuring ice dancing's

biggest and brightest
Italian stars.

Drea de Matteo
is scheduled to appear,

but, you know, they're not
liable if she doesn't.

I can't go right now.

It's a really bad time, okay?

I'm sorry,
just take someone else.

You mean, like another girl?

Yeah, Schmidt,
that's what this is.

That's the deal.

Just take someone else, okay?

All right, yeah, sure,
yeah, I'll just...

I'll ask somebody else,
I'll just... yeah,

totally, and with

these VIP tickets I got...
poppacorno.

- What?
- Poppacorno.

Poppacorno.

It's "popcorn" in Italian.

I don't think you should be
rushing into these things.

You need to look
for a partner who is...

Ew, you said "partner."

I know, that sucked.

I'm sorry.

Look, as your friend Jess,
not Ms. Day,

just choose someone
who makes you laugh.

- Like Nick?
- Yeah, I mean... wait, what?

Oh, my God, oh, my God,
I love Nick so, so, so much.

He's so hot.

- That Nick?
- I want to rub

my face on his face.

Just to be clear, I am dialing

another woman to go see
Italy on Ice right now.

That's fine, do it.

Hey, guys, not now.

- Oh, it's ringing.
- Don't care.

This room cannot take
any more hormones.

I love the juxtaposition
of high-brow literary

with low-brow
youth culture.

It's almost too much
juxtaposition for me.

You know what I mean?

It's, like, right up
to the line of juxtaposition,

but I think I'm gonna let it slide.

Hey, I got to... yes.

You've got Nick.

Hey, Nick-ole.

- What it be, girl?
- What's going on, Schmidt?

What you got going on, ma?

It's the freakin' weekend.

- Did you just call me "girl"?
- Are you wearing something sexy?

Just, you know, button-down
and jeans like always.

Oh, you got jeans on,
baby, are they tight?

Hmm, they're a little loose;
I buy 'em big.

Oh, them jeans sound sexy.

Everything all right?
You want to hang out more, Schmidt?

You taking care of that tushy...
taking care of that tushy for me?

I'm not doing, like,

squats or anything.

I'm trying to eat
less doughnuts.

You still keeping it tight?

You're an idiot.

What?

I thought this is
what you wanted.

This is a really good example

of people who should
not be making love.

- Have fun.
- Cece, are you okay?

Damn it!

You don't
understand... I love Nick

so, so, so much.

He's so hot, I'm going to die.

Sarah, Nick is
way too old for you.

I live with him.

- He is dirty and weird.
- No, no, no, no...

Sarah, not Nick's room.

It's not well ventilated
in there.

Let's see, we'll get
there a little early,

maybe get you in the shower,

maybe a once-over with
some disinfectant.

Hmm... hey.

Yard sale...
pull over.

No.

Someone rich died,
I can smell it.

Okay, look, Joe, I'm trying to
get you to the show on time.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doing?
- I'll push you out of the car,

okay?
Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Oh, yeah, yeah,
baby, yard sale, yeah.

Oh, I feel so alive.

Aah, I got a charley horse.

Oh, God.

Hey, Sarah.

Can you come out of Nick's room?

I'm going to roll
in his dirty clothes.

- Jess, Schmidt asked me out.
- Oh.

Like, he came over
and he asked me out,

and I really can't go

- on a date with him right now.
- Okay...

Sarah! I've had enough
of this little...

- Shh! - Listen to me, listen to me,

all right, you little brat,

you just need to be quiet
because I need my friend

to focus on me right now!

What are you doing, Cece?

You know how much
this means to me.

Don't let your dysfunction

rub off on her.

I am going to be
a terrible mother.

- No, no, no, shh.
- A terrible mom!

I'm gonna be
just like my mother.

You're gonna be a great mom.

You're gonna be a
fashionable mom.

I can make this right, okay?

Just...

Sarah?

Hey, Sarah.

Um, look,

you should definitely
not be having sex right now

at this age, but when you do,

just make sure
you always use protection

because,
even if he says it's tantric

and you're Indian

and you know better,

you're just going to end up
pregnant anyways.

What?

Cece, are you pregnant?

Whoa!

Sarah, Nick has one tie.

See if you can find it.

No, okay,

I don't know.

We have to wait for the
test results, but I'm late.

Oh, my...

We made a caramel miracle.

You pregnant, you pregnant.

Oh, my God.

You got Cece pregnant?

We used protection.
I don't know how this happened.

- Think she did it on purpose?
- An Indian-Jewish baby...

who wouldn't want that? Think
about the bone structure.

Okay, I'm not ready to be
a godparent.

Don't ask.

- No one's asking you.
- Phew, good.

- I'm not into being an uncle.
- You're not my brother!

Okay, Schmidt, are you sure
you're okay about this?

'Cause I'm freaking out
by the fact

that you're not freaking out!

Yeah, I'm oddly calm
about the whole thing.

Look, Nick, maybe this isn't
exactly in my five-year plan,

but maybe this is fate.

You know, maybe I
hit the jackpot.

Maybe this is the
universe telling me

that I'm never gonna find
a girl better than Cece.

By, the way, I'm-I'm Schmidt.

Chloe. Mazel tov on your news.

Oh, my God, finally, Nicholas.

- You bring home a nice girl.
- Right?

So... that was crazy

what happened
with my friends, right?

I liked it.

Your life's like Gossip Girl,

only everyone is old and poor.

You know, there actually
was a show like that.

It was called Golden Girls.

I'm Betty White,
Schmidt's Rue McClanahan...

Don't you think Nick is hot?

Nick? Um... yeah,

in a rumpled, small-town
P.I. kind of way.

What's he like in the morning?

Do his eyes get sleepy?

Does he love stuff?

I want to love what he loves.

Do you think that we'll ever
do animal style?

Four minutes!
We eat in four!

I made you a mocktail.

Cece, are you crying?

No. No.

No. I-I... I just...
I don't... I don't know.

You're an amazing woman,

and you're going to do and be
so many things in this life.

Maybe you'll be a mom,

and maybe... maybe not.

But I will support
you no matter what.

Thank you.

I also just want to give
you a quick heads up.

I'm probably going to
be going on the internet

before we have
sex again, because

I-I just... I don't want to
impregnate the baby, you know?

I mean, we could have

a Russian nesting doll
situation on our hands.

So, Sarah and I learned

to use the pasta maker
today, which was cool.

Are you and Nick making love?

Hmm?

Who wants seconds?
That's my question.

Yeah, I would love seconds,
Jess. That'd be great.

If you're a boy, I'm gonna...

I'm gonna name you Mordecai,
or Abraham,

Menachem Menandel, Schmerson.

Hey! I'm watching you.

Well, time for dessert.

No, please don't get up.
I will take care of it.

Oh, thank you.
That's so thoughtful.

See? Thoughtful and mature.

In your face! Yes!

Congratulations. You're dating
a girl with basic table manners.

You win. Why don't you get
on her health care plan?

I'm so excited

to take this journey with you.

I mean, your boobs are gonna be
unbelievably enormous.

Sarah,

do you want to go help Chloe
with the dessert? I hate her.

Oh, come on,
you don't hate her.

You don't know her
well enough to hate her.

Yes, I do!
I know her.

She used to ride
on my school bus.

No, no, no, that's...

What?

Oh, my God, that's

why you look so familiar!

You were that crazy

little kindergartner
who had, like,

- the imaginary friends.
- Oh.

You're the skank
with the skank face.

Sarah, I know you're trying
to look cool in front of you

you know who...

What?! You told him?!

- No! I did not tell him.
- You just told him!

Oh, my God, Jess!

What are you saying?

When was the last time
you were on a school bus?

Last year.

How old are you?

18.

Hey, you know what, Chloe?

I actually think I subbed

for your eighth grade
English class.

That's right!
Hi, Miss Day!

Hi.

Well, it's a good thing I got
you an extra shirt, 'cause...

Whoa! Joe, Joe!

Where you going?
Where you going? Wait.

Where are you going?
Uh, sorry about this, man.

Hey, don't make me chase you!
Do not make me chase you!

Joe, come back.

Oh!
Are you okay?

Leave me alone.

So, come on,
man. What's up?

Michael Strahan makes me feel
like an idiot.

Okay? I mean, he thinks
he's better than me.

He wins the Super Bowl,
and suddenly,

he's the best at everything.

What's he better
than you at? Huh?

Marriage, probably. Money
management, I would say.

- Probably he's better than you at that.
- Well...

He's not better than
you at yard sales.

He's good at yard sales.

Yeah, but he's not
better than you.

So here's what you're gonna do.
You're gonna walk

into that studio,
and you're gonna

show him the Napoli
that I saw today.

The one that I saw
grabbed seven copies

of Speed on VHS at a yard sale

for a fraction of
the retail price.

When's the last time
Strahan did that?

Boom. You're not gonna let him win.

Yeah. You know, I'm gonna do it.

- I'm gonna do it.
- You're gonna do it?

That guy's a b-hole.
He's a b-hole!

You know what?
If you were a woman,

or even dressed as a woman,
man, we'd be unstoppable.

Mm, mm.

18 years old. She
was 18 years old.

She doesn't even know
what Netscape is.

Thinks of Ice Cube
as mainly an actor.

This is a disaster!
Ouli's downstairs.

She just called me.
She wants to be let up.

Sarah's in my room, because
she fell in love with you

for some unknown reason.

I might as well call you
Bridge to Terabithia,

because you make children cry.

And you... I might
as well call you

Indian In the Cupboard because

you put an Indian
in Ce... Never mind.

I will not apologize
for my powerful sperm.

Why are young girls in love
with me? I look like an old man.

Shut up, both of you!

We're gonna fix this, 'cause

I'm not losing Russell because

you two have to make
and/or date babies.

You... go stall Ouli.

Try not to get her pregnant.

You... come with me

and get Sarah out
of my room. Now!

I gonna go do Ouli.

- Yeah, I'm gonna go do this.
- Yeah. All right.

- Ouli?
- Yeah.

Oh, my God, it's-it's Schmidt.

How are you?

Oh, my God,
it's so good to see you.

Great.

Yeah. Havasu.

'99. I was on the boat,
remember?

No.

We were just... We were part...
Yeah. I...

- Winter Olympics. Uh-huh.
- No.

2006.

Bobsled.

Sarah, I know that you think

you're in love with me
right now,

but I promise you, you're going
to find someone better.

No! No, I never will.

I can be a bit of an anchor.

I've been known
to drag women down.

That is true.
Save me.

What? This is so
entertaining.

Okay, Jess, honestly, help me.

I don't know what to do.
All right.

Okay, just tell
her something about

life or something.

Hey, Sarah?

Sarah, I haven't loved somebody
the way you love me

in a very long time,
and I miss that feeling.

The feeling you have is good.
It's just misplaced.

It's better than being numb
your whole life.

You end up doing such
weird things.

You know what?
Just stay in there.

It's not that great out here.

Stay in there as long
as you can.

He's kidding, Sarah.

You should definitely,
definitely come out.

Oh, my God.
The Melman funeral?

- No. - We were both
sitting next to...

to Un... Un-Uncle Jack?

- Yeah, sure.
- I don't know Uncle Jack or Mel...

Oh, my... I used to do
your hair in Tribeca.

- Sarah? Sarah, please come out.
- Sarah, please.

I can't come out.
I'm too embarrassed.

In front of us?
We are literally

the most embarrassing
people on the planet.

- Trust me. - Yeah, you don't have
to be embarrassed around us.

Sometimes I talk louder
to blind people.

I'm 30 years old, and I've peed
in every pool I've been into.

- Every single one.
- Ew.

I originally grew these bangs
'cause I hate my forehead.

I still think it's funny
when I guy puts tennis balls

under his shirt
and pretends it's boobs.

They look like little boobs.

I know.

Come on, Sarah!

Look, I do so many
stupid things.

You don't even know.

I mean, like, falling
for your dad.

That was... so crazy, and I
understand why you're confused.

I'm confused.

I'm not confused. I'm stuck.

What? Oh, my God.

Oh. I don't know how
to get them off.

Okay. Oh, okay.
I'll get the front.

I'll get the back.

Hey, hey, guys, she's coming.

Ouli's coming.
I failed.

I failed. I'm sorry. Uh...

Hi, Ouli. Um...

Who is the man taking the bras
off my daughter?

There is a God!
I've got my period!

It's so amazing!
Oh, my God.

Mmm. I got my period.

- She got her period.
- So happy!

Welcome to our home.
Would you like a drink?

You have a beautiful daughter
and a beautiful ex-husband.

I mean...

Bye, Nick.

I'm kind of over you now.

Okay.

- Thank you. - Thanks, Jess.
I had a really great time.

Thanks, Sarah. Good-bye.

Your mom doesn't
have to know everything.

- Heard that. Let's go.
- Okay.

- Thanks for coming by.
- Oh, sure.

- Bye, Sarah. See you at school.
- Bye.

Bye, Ouli. You ruley.

Bye, Jess. You're a mess.

I'm not having kids...
till I'm 80.

Now we can just go back
to the way things were.

You can go on your date.

Right. Nicole, mm-hmm.

No more stupid mistakes, right?

Right.

I'm gonna...
I'm gonna go.

- Go do your thing.
- Yeah.

Oh, wait. Oh, okay.

- Okay, Cece, let's just...
- Yeah.

You know,
there's a marathon downtown,

- and I don't want you to
hit the traffic. - Okay.

- Okay. Thank you.
- So let's just, head down.

- That's very thought of you.
- Don't hit the top.

Okay. All right, you in, you in, you in?
Good, okay.

Terrible car for a baby anyway.

Oh.

I never knew Italy was so much
more than pizza, Schmidty.

It's so much more.

She's okay. You're awesome!

The reenactment of Pompeii
really stays with you.

What a move!

Two shows a day. Two shows
a day! How do they do it?

Hey, if you're play a gondolier,

you better skate
like a gondolier.

You know, Schmidty?
Here's this idea.

We should buy skaters.

Yeah!

Do something weird, Mussolini.
We love you.

Norther