Nevsu (2017–2021): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript

Stop, don't move!

It's okay, I live here.

Show me some ID.

I live here, man.

This is my car,
this is my mineral water,

I live here,
ask anyone at the station,

I'm the Ethiopian guy who lives here
and keeps getting arrested.

Show me some ID.

It's at home.

Listen, if my wife comes out,
she'll start yelling her head off.

For your own sake,
just drop it.



-Are you threatening me?
-No, I'm telling you what's gonna happen.

Hands on the vehicle!

Why are you yelling, man?

You're ruining
our good neighborly relations.

Hands on the vehicle!

-Gili, what's going on?
-Oh, no, that's it.

What's going on?

Nothing, babe.
I'm here with a friend, almost done.

Have you no shame?
Hey! Look at me.

You're arresting a guy outside his house?
For what?

Who are you?

You still don't get it?

Gili, why didn't you come and get me?

Why should I come and get you
for every little thing?



As you can see,
I'm handling this.

Tuesday,

a quiet afternoon,

my husband went out to the car
to get our mineral water.

Run, man, she's not looking, run.

Look what Officer…

Tzahi is doing to a civilian
just because he's the wrong color.

Look, here's our house

and this is the victim.
Babe, lift your head up.

Babe, you know I'm not photogenic.

So…

next time,
carry some ID with you, okay?

That's all you have to say?
Or would you like to apologize?

I'm uploading it on YouTube
in five minutes

and you don't come out
looking too good.

Babe, you're yelling.
You forget how loud you can be.

Mistaken ID.

-Have a good day.
-Bravo!

Bravo! Bravo!

You caught Gili Chalacho,

the serial mineral water thief,
bravo!

Sshh…
Babe, the neighbors.

I can't believe
you didn't come and get me.

Yes, I forgot how helpful you are.

Yankaleh,

remember on the 20th
I'm getting a neck lift?

Nitza, you're as beautiful as the day
I saw you eating ice cream at Whitman's.

Listen, it's a one-week downtime.

I was thinking about what we can tell them
so that they don't worry

about me disappearing for a week.

Disappearing?
How high are they gonna lift your neck?

Yaakov,

this is no time for jokes,
now focus.

We have to think
about what we'll tell them

so they won't know
or suspect anything.

I don't understand.

The whole point of having cosmetic surgery
is having something done

that no one will notice.

Then why have it done?

To look better!

Stop playing dumb!

Now listen,

this is what I thought.

I'm going to a spa in Baden-Baden.

I'll do shiatsu,

massages, detox,

amazing enemas.

So why don't I go with you?

Because I'm not really going,
it's just a cover story.

But I can tell Tamari, right?

No, Tamar is a fifth columnist.

She has dual loyalty.

She has to tell Gili,

Gili will tell Alamito,

Alamito will tell Shmelash,

then all of Addis Ababa and Haile Selassie
will come feel my neck,

no way.

So if Tamari and Gili come by,
I won't open the door.

You'll open the door because
they're our kids, not FBI agents!

But I'll run into the room and hide.

Only problem is,
what'll you eat while I'm not here?

So you are not going to be here?

I am going to be here.

Am I talking to the wall,
don't you understand?

If I cook while I'm here,

they'll realize that I am here,
understand?

Otherwise, where did
all the good food come from?

Do you know how to make all the ferfelach
and kreplach that I make?

You can't even heat up
pita bread on your own.

When you're right, you're right.

Yaakov, what are we gonna do?

Tuesday, a quiet afternoon,

my husband went out to the car
to get our mineral water.

Babe, we have to upload this to YouTube.

It'll go viral,
people will take to the streets.

No, no, no way.

I don't want to be
this campaign's presenter.

Then what did I film it for?

That's what I'm asking,
what did you film it for?

Instead of pictures of Maayan,

your phone is full of pictures of me
smashed up against police cars.

I don't get it,

don't you want as many people
as possible to see this?

I want as few people as possible
to see it.

I try to end things quietly

and you come outside yelling:
"Hey, there's a fight!"

Look at you,
as if you're the criminal here.

Excuse me,
you have nothing to be ashamed of.

All the neighbors know you,

they know you're a good guy.

Why?
Why would they think I'm a good guy?

They keep seeing me
going in and out of police cars.

Tamar, I'm either the chief of police
or the head of a crime family.

Oh, please, no Ethiopians
are heads of crime families.

They think I broke the glass ceiling.

Haven't you noticed
the neighbors never say hello?

Do we say hello to them?

-No.
-There you go.

It's obvious
they don't want to say hello.

If I say hello to them,

I'll scare them
and they won't say hello.

Gili, they're a nice couple.

They don't think anything about you.

Go over there,
invite them over for coffee,

I promise you,
everything will be okay.

Worst case…

you'll get stopped by a police car
on the way.

And if you do,
come and get me.

Ah-ha.

What is this?

A goat for your father's memorial service
so you don't have to worry about it.

It's on Thursday,
why did you bring it now?

What'll I do with it here?

We were lucky,
they closed down a petting zoo nearby.

Sold it to me for 500 shekels
along with two guinea pigs.

What are we gonna do with guinea pigs?

I thought we could make some slippers.

Are you out of your mind?

Not for you, for Maayan.
They're not your size.

Shmelash, you think
I have room for a goat?

And I can't stand the smell!

Fine, if you want to buy
a goat for 2,000 shekels

the day before the service,
that's your problem.

Look at it,
look at the meat.

It's been petted its whole life
by little kids.

This meat has been massaged.
Touch it.

Wow, it's so tender,
too bad we don't have a yard.

If I had a yard…

Let's think,
who do we know that has a yard?

Yaakov, do you have
my passport and ticket?

Tel Aviv - Baden-Baden,
Baden-Baden - Tel Aviv.

There's a direct flight to Baden-Baden?

Um, yes…

It's high season,
everyone's going to the spas.

Mom, you know,
I read that in Baden-Baden

you have to be naked the whole time,

you can't walk around in clothes.

So what? Did I steal something?

No, of course not.

Don't I look as good
as all those German women

who grow bougainvilleas
in their underarms?

Nitza, you didn't tell me
you'd be walking around…

Yaakov.

-If it's good for you, it's good for me.
-Good.

Kids, don't worry,
I cooked for the whole week.

There's gefilte fish, knishes,
pipiklach that Maayan loves.

Wow, I love that.

Just heat and serve.

Mom, everything will be fine,

and good for you
for being so brave and doing this.

Doing what?

Going on vacation alone.

Oh, well…

I did it for him more than for me,

I want him to learn
to be alone.

Don't worry, Nitza,
we'll come visit him every day.

No, no, no,
not every day.

I mean…

I want him to learn
to get by on his own.

Yaakov, let me help you
with the suitcase.

No, it's okay, I'll do it.

What is this?
It's empty.

Because they said no clothes,
so I only packed

a G-string, a book and sunscreen.

-Bye, Mom, have fun.
-Bye. -And come home safely.

Bye.

Oh, no!

Why are Alamito and Shmelash here
with a goat?

I forgot, my mom asked
to keep it here for a few days

-because there's a yard here.
-But it's my yard.

It's our yard.

Of course, no problem.

How will we sleep with all this noise?

How will I be able to sleep?

Okay, you'll sleep in Baden-Baden
and Dad can sleep anywhere.

Don't worry, Nitza, by the time
you get back, it'll be gone.

So will my garden.

-Mom, we'll tie it up.
-Really?

-You have a flight to catch, right?
-Okay. -Bye.

-Enjoy.
-Okay.

What a wonderful idea, Alamito.

Maayani loves animals.

Babe, the neighbors
have a little boy,

why we don't invite them
to come play with the goat?

Great idea.

It's good if children pet it,

it'll make the meat tender.

Tell me, Gili,

is this tree strong enough for the goat?

I think so.

Alamito, a goat can't climb trees,
it's not a cat.

No, we'll invite a kess to come here
to make a blessing,

then after we slaughter it,
we have to tie it upside down

so all the blood will come out.

What?

Babe, it's a goat
for my father's memorial service.

We go to the cemetery,
then everyone comes over to eat.

Tradition, babe.

Wait, what? I don't…

You're gonna slaughter the goat here
that you brought for Maayan?

Don't worry, it's very fast.

We just need a large tub,
I can bring it if you don't have one.

It's no big deal,
there won't be any mess.

It's not the mess.

What's wrong with you?

Alamito?

You brought Maayan
a friend to play with

and now you're gonna
slaughter it in our backyard?

What can I do?
It's Gili's father's memorial.

Tradition, babe, tradition.

You expect me to serve people
pizza and puff pastries?

If it's food,

don't let Maayan
play with the food.

You'll traumatize her.

-Tamar's right.
-Thank you.

We take it to a slaughterhouse
and slaughter it like civilized people.

I don't understand,
she eats meat.

Yes, I make her schnitzel.

But she doesn't know
it came from a petting zoo.

Grandma, I want to call her Nitza
because she looks like Grandma Nitza.

Great.

Now she's given her a name.

Oh, she's licking me.

It's okay, we'll lick her back.

What?

-Hi, how are you?
-Hi, Gili, what's up?

Listen, I owe you
an apology…

About what?

That day the cop was harassing you,

I saw everything from the window,

and I wanted to come out
and tell him that I know you.

It's just so awful,

but I was alone with the baby.

It's fine.

Then your wife went out
and started screaming and she woke Emil up

and it took me an hour to calm him down.

-She can really holler. -Yes.
-I tell her, but…

she can't hear herself.

Anyway, we wanted to apologize
and invite you over for cake and coffee.

We also got a goat for a few days

and thought it would be nice
if your son Emil

came over to play.

With the goat?

Yes.

Oh, no, he's 18 months old…

It's a small goat, look,

-you can see it from here.
-Where? -Right there.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

-Oh, no, what have I done?
-Tell him

-to press on the handle.
-He's 18 months old!

He can't reach the handle!

Emil, Mommy's here, don't worry!

What have I done?

-Let's call your husband.
-He's out of town.

I don't know when he'll be back.

Oh, shit, shit, shit!

There's a pot on the stove!

-Get an ax!
-Not an ax. -Get a hammer…

Amalia, there's a child
on the other side.

-Do you have a credit card?
-I have nothing on me!

Give me your hairpin.

-My hairpin?
-Calm down.

What good will that do?

How do you open a door
with a hairpin?

-Calm down.
-Is it working?

Amalia, I can't pick the lock
under pressure!

People break into houses at night
for a reason. Now calm down!

-Okay. -Count to ten.
-One, two…

-To yourself, Amalia.
-Oh, to myself.

One…

There you go.

Emil…

Emil.

Oh, my God, Gili…

Thank you.
Come here, sweetie.

Come here.

Oh, my God, Gili.

Gili, good job,
how did you do that?

I don't know, I swear.

I used to have this friend

back in the hood who…

Not a friend,
he was a troublemaker,

I saw him do it once,
from afar,

and, boom,
I guess I remembered it.

It's amazing what the brain
chooses to remember.

That was so lucky, really,

you saved me,
you saved us.

No problem.

Here's your hairpin.

And if you ever
get locked out of your car,

just take a hairpin,

make a loop on the end,
push it between the window and the door…

You must know how to do it.

No.

Hi.

So, how did it go?

Are they coming for coffee and goat?

You were right, she's so nice.

They may come.

Will they or won't they?

I think so.

No, they'll come over.

I just had to kind of
break into their house.

What? She didn't open the door?
I don't…

No, she's a lovely woman.

She came out to talk to me,
the door slammed shut,

and her baby was locked inside,
and she got a little hysterical

and started yelling.

So I took a pin out of her hair
and broke in.

You did what?

How do you break into a house
with a hairpin?

Same as you do with a car.

Did I screw everything up?

No, no, of course n--

come on, you saved their baby.

That's what I say,
anyone would've done the same.

Totally.

Anyone who knows
how to break into a house.

But it's not like you broke in
when they weren't home.

Right. If I did that,

I'd be a burglar.

That's what I said.
Why are you so mad?

Because you're so surprised
that I can break into a house.

Excuse me, but normal people
can break into houses.

When you were in high school,
didn't you break into cars?

Not me.

Not you, because you're weird,
but your friends.

Saturday morning,
you wanna go to the beach,

but you're stuck at home,
what did you do?

Take our parents' car.

And what if your parents
wouldn't let you?

-We'd order a cab.
-A cab?!

That's expensive, you wouldn't
have money left for cigarettes.

Then we'd take more money
from our parents.

So you'd steal money
from your parents' wallet

and we'd steal our counselor's car.

Babe, we have respect
for our parents.

Oh, my God, what have I done?

But what choice did I have?

You had no choice.

Should I have left the baby locked
in the house

with a pot on the stove
when I have the knowledge?

Of course not, babe,
you saved their baby.

They're going to be so grateful,
they'll ask you to be his godfather.

Godfather?
Is that the only word that comes to mind?

Nitza, stay away from the window,
Alamito is here.

Sshh, I know.

I want to hear
if she says anything about me.

And tell Maayan not to eat
the goat turd,

she thinks they're olives!

-Okay, okay.
-Go.

Grandma, I love Nitza so much,
she's the best.

Yes, she's very sweet.

But, Maayani,

the most important thing
is to love your mommy and daddy

because Nitza
won't always be here.

I told you that Nitza the goat
will only be here for a few days.

They named the goat Nitza?!

Maayani, I brought you
Grandma Nitza's pipiklach.

Want some too?

No, no, no, thank you.

Maayani, you know,

just like the goat eats seeds,

we eat the goat?

No, we don't.
You're so funny, Grandma.

Maayani, do you like hamburgers?

-Yes.
-Oh, good.

So before the hamburger
was a hamburger,

it was a cow.

The cow was slaughtered,
made into a patty

and put in a bun.

Why is she scaring her like that?

What about schnitzel,
do you like it?

Yes.

So before the schnitzel
was a schnitzel,

it was a chicken.

They tear off its feathers,

pound it so it's very thin

and put ketchup on it.

What animal does Grandma Nitza
make pipkalach out of?

No, this is going too far.

Oh, those are gizzards.

They cut open the chicken's belly
and take out the belly button.

I don't want to eat
a chicken's belly button.

Why not, Maayani?
It's healthy and delicious.

Look, Grandma will have some too.

Lord have mercy,
what does she put in there?

You're right,
it doesn't taste good.

Let's give it to Nitza.

Come here, Nitza.

Come here, Nitza.

Come eat some pipkalach.

Yaakov!

What's wrong?

Alamito is giving my pipiklach
to the goat!

Oh, no, it's such a delicacy!

I don't believe it.

How humiliating,
disrespecting my food like that.

You know how many of her injeras
I had to eat,

smile and spit into my purse?

You're telling me? I throw away
all the bags you leave in the car.

-I'll take care of this.
-Yaakov, you're so kind.

I'm not here,
I'm in the pantry.

Come in.

-Hi, Yaakov.
-Hi, Gili. -Hello.

-Hey, kiddo.
-Hi.

We came to see
how you're getting along.

I'm okay, but I miss your mother.

She called and says hi.

Dad, since when do you read
women's magazines?

Oh, yeah, I…

I like reading…

Professor Carasso's column.

Oh.

Want something to eat?

No, we're okay.

Mom left lots of food. There's helzalach
and pipiklach and pulkalach.

-Bon appétit, kids.
-Thank you.

What is this?

What?

My mother's cooking.

Is there a problem?

I never saw
all this gray stuff on one plate.

What is this,
50 Shades of Grey?

He's got some nerve.

First his mom, now him.

Now that Nitza's not here,
can I be frank?

No, no.

Why doesn't she use any seasoning?

Gili, this food is seasoned to the utmost.

Dad, come on…

He has a point there.

Seasoning isn't Mom's forte.

Allow me to remind you, kids,
that we are in Europe.

The Jews in Europe had to hide.

If they ate turmeric and cumin,

the Cossacks would smell them
a mile away.

Yaakov, the war's over.

There are no Cossacks.

Whip out the turmeric.

Okay, that's my mom,

she knows how to make
a certain kind of food.

We're not crazy about it,

but we're all afraid of her.

So we keep quiet and eat.

She betrayed me.

You know what? Taste
the jellied calf's foot, it's delicious.

No way am I eating this foot.

I'd rather have a Cossack come here
and incite a pogrom.

You're not supposed to cry…

And the names. Pipkalach, tzitzkalach,
you guys use nicknames for your food

because it's so unlikeable, Yaakov.

No, babe, that's not true.
You're wrong.

You've just never had
good Polish food.

Tamari, sshh…

What's with you?

That's it,
no more Friday night dinners.

You're not supposed to get mad either…

I know what we'll eat.

Dad, you're gonna like this idea.

-I don't like it.
-Yes, yes.

-I don't.
-Yes, remember

when Mom went on vacation
with the teachers from school

and you took me
to that Eastern-European restaurant…

-Bebaleh.
-Bebaleh!

Bebaleh?

That wasn't me.

Of course it was you.

No, it wasn't me.

We were there together.

-No, no, no…
-Bebaleh?!

It's food that Russians make.

-We were there together.
-Tamari, sshh!

Again with the sshh?

Why do you keep shushing me?

Babe, you gotta taste that food,
it was so good

that every time my mom went away,

we'd order food from there
and before she got back

-we'd throw away all her food
so she wouldn't know. -Seriously?

Then let's throw this out.

You guys are goners!

-Oh, my God.
-Mom?

I'm never cooking for you again!

You'll only eat food
that comes on a scooter!

-You're back from Baden-Baden?
-What did they do to you?

She made that up about the food.

You throw away my food

and go eat that Russian food?

I may have thrown it out once,

but that's because when you're away,
I'm depressed

and can't eat.

The humiliation…

The worst thing is when everyone knows

except you.

-Nitza, calm down…
-I'll never calm down!

When you came here,
you were as skinny as a pole!

You weighed 40 kilos with your clothes on,

they didn't want to draft you!

Nitza, your stitches opened up!

-Oh, no.
-Did you get a neck lift?

I got a neck lift,
but it fell!

Because of you!

Are you sure you don't want us
to go to the hospital with you?

You've done enough.
Now go before the neighbors see.

Nitza, put your seat belt on.

What for?
If you step on the brakes,

my neck will fly forward
and the rest of me will be buckled in?

Go already!

My stitches opened up…

I actually thought
she'd be more upset.

Grateful, my ass.

-What?
-They called a locksmith.

So what?

They're afraid their delinquent neighbor
will break in

-and rob them.
-Who?

Oh…

That's the thanks I get.

I saved their baby,

they say, "Thank you, thank you,"

then you turn around
and they change the lock.

You know what, babe?
You're right.

-I'm too nice.
-What?

-I'm sick of being nice.
-No, Gili,

wait, Gili!

Hey, hi.

So, changing the locks?

Yeah, someone broke in.

There you go.

Hello, Gili.

You're saying hello to me?

-You're smiling at me. Have you no shame?
-What happened?

-Calm down.
-Why should I calm down?

I saved your baby.

You should be kissing my feet.

Instead, you smile at me
and change the locks?

You think I can't break in here, idiot?

Babe, you're yelling.

Yes, I'm yelling!

Only you're allowed to yell?!

It hurts me too!

You guys listen to me.

You don't know me,

you have no idea
who you're messing with.

One call and there'll be a truck here
with five guys and a disk saw.

They'll empty out your house
within 20 minutes.

I won't even leave you a pacifier!

Um, Gili, we don't…

-You don't understand.
-When you broke in…

-When you saved us…
-Yes.

Part of the pin got stuck in the lock.

We couldn't get the key in.

Here's the pin.

Oh, here's the pin.

-That's the pin?
-That's the pin.

-That's what happens when
you work under pressure. -Yeah.

We're not changing the lock, Gili.
We're leaving the same one.

No, no, no.

If the lock is broken, change it.
He was joking.

He was joking.

-Of course I was joking.
-That's Gili for ya.

I'm just joking, man.
Lighten up.

Change the lock.

This one's no good, believe me…

You saw how easily I…

And I ain't a pro.

What's up?

Everything okay?

We came to get the goat.

Maayani's playing with it in the yard.

I'll go to her.

Go get it.

Look what I got.

A new knife,
for your father's memorial.

Put it away!

I want to show it to you.

Shit, that's my neighbor.

Then why don't you say hello?

I'm Shmelash, his uncle.

I'm Shemalash, his uncle.

Put that down!

This is for slaughtering.

I won't do the slaughtering.

I can slaughter too,

but they don't want things
to get messy here, you know?

See, Nevsu, is it that hard
to be nice to your neighbor?

Where's the goat?
The slaughterer's waiting.

Okay, okay,

worst case
he'll slaughter another goat before ours.

Now keep quiet.

Hey, Maayani,
are you having a party?

Yes, it's Nitza's birthday.

That's great.

Now we have to take Nitza, okay?

No, the party's not over yet.

Happy birthday, dear Nitza

Happy birthday to you

One, two, three!

Now make a wish.

Shmelash, are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

Shemalash, are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

Yes, we're late for the slaughterer,
he's gonna slaughter us.

Hello.

Alamito.

Hello, Nitza, thank you for coming.

You look great, wow.

Why, what's the big deal?

You were on vacation, weren't you?

It did you good.

-Right.
-Yes.

-Hello, Nitza.
-Shmelesh.

-How are you?
-Oh, this is where they cut?

It's not what we thought.

Come take a look.

What is this?
A human anatomy exhibition?

Why is she so embarrassed?

Come here, Maayani, look.

My Nitza!

Right, it's Grandma's little surprise.

Go play with her.

Alamito, thank you.

You made Maayani so happy.

What a disgrace.

There's a goat walking around
and we're eating puff pastries.

Eliran.

Put the goat in the room
and close the door,

it's making our guests hungry.

You live here?

Yeah, look at the mailbox,
it says Gili Chalacho.

How do you I know you're Chalacho?
You have no ID.

Oh, why don't I ask the neighbor
to identify you?

-Excuse me!
-No, forget it, he…

Go ahead, put the siren on
so my wife will come out.

But some Ethiopian women
go with Ferenji guys.

Yuck, never!

With that pink skin

and hair all over their body?

Fat guys with no butt?

They're putting him in a drawer

like he was silverware.

I wouldn't mind.

I always dreamt of fitting
into something small.

Horseback riding?

I can feel we're in nature.

Kayaks?

Rafting?

Surprise!

There's another option,
we can be laid on top of each other.

What?!

Yes, both of us,

in my plot.

So I'll be crammed in there

while she's stretching
her legs out in my plot?

Gili…

Gili…

Look at her.

She's paranoid.

She has involuntary movements.

For once,

buy your vegetables

and your clothes separately.

This isn't from the souk.

Was it on a round metal thing

with a number on the top?

Yes, a big number.

That's not chic, that's souk.

Buzz off, you jerk.

Buzz off, you jerk.

Mom, there's Shimon,
practice on him.

Shimon, you're the bomb!