Ned and Stacey (1995–2017): Season 1, Episode 12 - Threesome - full transcript
Ned and Stacey feud over a new man they meet who becomes Ned's best friend and Stacey's boyfriend.
- Why Stacey?
- Why Ned?
It was business.
Strictly business.
Here's the deal.
To get the promotion,
I needed the wife.
See, to get a life, I
needed his apartment.
So, what the hell, we
up and got married.
The only thing we
have in common?
We irritate each other. Right.
Enjoy the show.
As far as I'm concerned,
boiled alive: worst way to die.
Uh-uh. Plane crash.
No. No, no. Drowning.
Oh, come on.
Feet first through
a giant deli slicer.
Oh, no. You know what
would be the worst way to die?
Being buried alive. I
mean, just imagine it.
Underground, all
alone, trying to get out.
No one to boss around.
I'm just... I'm kidding around.
Just...
If I had to die unnaturally,
I think I'd just want someone
to come into my bedroom
and put a big fluffy pillow
over my face while I slept.
I wonder how our waitress died.
Oh, what the hell.
What do you guys want?
Stace? Uh, white wine.
You? Beer.
Ah, I'll go with you.
You don't look of legal age.
Ha-ha!
You really think boiled
alive is the worst?
Have you ever been in the
shower when someone flushes?
Hm?
Hey, I need a white wine,
a light beer and a Stoli rocks.
Iced tea, cap'n.
Oh, come on. Pass it!
Why doesn't John Starks
ever take a jump shot
from closer than 70 feet?
Fear of intimacy?
Oh, Sam!
Hey, Amanda!
Hey! How are ya?
Good to see you. You too.
Did you ever get rid of that
loft space on West Broadway?
No. No, no.
The saga continues.
So are you here alone?
Yeah. The cable
is out in my building.
I came down to watch the game.
Oh, well, please,
come sit with us.
I'm just here having
a drink with Eric and...
that's my sister, Stacey.
Wow.
She single?
Yes.
Well, I mean, except for him.
Ned Dorsey, fake husband.
Good to see ya. Good to know ya.
Sam Clark.
What'd you say you were?
So you're not involved
in each other's lives at all?
You don't, uh, listen to
each other's problems?
Oh, no, no, no. No.
Listen to her problems?
Who's got that
kind of time, Sam?
So I can safely assume
that you don't have sex.
Oh, Sam! NED: No!
Sam, no! Don't go there.
Well, what do you two
think of this arrangement?
Well, I've always thought
it was a sick and
desperate cry for help
on both their parts.
How 'bout you,
honey? I don't know.
There's something about
the idea of being married
while still being
free to cavort wildly
with a variety of
sexual partners
that... I really have no
interest in whatsoever.
Good answer. Yeah, well...
We'd better get going.
The babysitter is probably
on the ledge by now.
Hey, Rico. Saturday
night I got four tickets
for the Knicks and
Bulls. Wanna come?
Oh, can I?
Bridge with the Gunthers.
No!
Bridge with the
Gunthers. Can't do it.
See ya. Nice to meet ya.
Bye. Good night.
Night, guys.
Ned, if you got a spare
ticket for that game,
I got a spare
butt for that seat.
Well, are you willing to cruelly
berate the players with me?
Are you kiddin'? I
like to scream at 'em
till they run off the court
into the stands after me.
And then cower under your
seat making woman noises?
Exactly. Ha-ha! We're there!
All right.
So, Sam, Amanda tells
me you're really into jazz.
Yeah. You a fan? Love it.
You know the Bobby
Adams Quintet?
Love 'em.
Dugan's Pub,
downtown this weekend.
Love to. Oh, oh, can't.
Uh, Friday night I'm going out,
and Saturday night you
guys are goin' to the game.
Well, the game'll be over by 10.
We could hop a cab and
meet you in the Village by 11.
Sure.
Hey, what a night for me, huh?
An hour ago, I was
sittin' all by myself
and now I got a new buddy
and a hot date
with his new wife.
Do you think we're slutty?
Hey, that cab driver
had crazy eyes.
You know, I'm usually
a little concerned
when they have a hot plate
right there on the front seat.
If you were so nervous,
why did you keep
telling him to go faster?
Hey, when you're goin' the
wrong way on Fifth Avenue,
you wanna get it over
with as quickly as possible.
Well, listen, guys,
this was a great night.
The game. The jazz club.
Running through the fountain.
Jazz. Fun. It was really fun.
It was a lot of fun. I liked it.
It was good.
Wanna come in for cold beer...
Wanna come in for some wine...
or, you know, warm beer?
Or listen to some music?
Uh, yeah, sure. That'd be great.
Good deal. Come on in.
Fine.
This is such a nice night, Sam.
Hopefully, it's
the first of many.
You like some more wine?
You trying to get me drunk?
Maybe.
Your move, Sammy!
Oh! Comin' at ya!
Oh, nice one.
You didn't fall for
my little gambit, I see.
What, are you kidding me?
There was a neon sign over it
flashing, "I prefer
needlepoint."
Yeah, big talk from a
guy with no bishops.
Oh, shoot. Listen,
I gotta get up early.
We'll pick this up
another time, okay, pal?
All right, man. But be warned.
I'm takin' back the knight.
You're leaving already, Sam?
Yeah, well, it's late,
and I'm a little lightheaded
from drinking beer and wine.
Go long, crappy chess player.
Ooh! Okay.
Okay. Okay.
Oh...
Thank you so much
for such a great night.
Hey, thank you.
You know, maybe I
shouldn't say this, but, uh...
I have a really good
feeling about us.
Me too.
You have my number,
right? Absolutely.
Got it memorized.
I'll call you tomorrow. Okay.
Ned, I'll call you too.
'Kay.
Good night.
Good night, Stace.
Sleep tight. You too.
So long, pal.
Okay.
Oh, he's a great guy!
Yeah.
That's right. That's right.
Two... Two orchestra
seats for The Nutcracker
this Friday night.
Mm-hm.
Stacey Dorsey.
Thank you.
Uh, Stacey... Mm-hm?
You wouldn't, by any
chance, be getting those tickets
for you and Sam
on Friday night, would you?
Yes. This Friday night is
our three-week anniversary.
Hm. What a
coincidence. Ours too.
But I got Sam and I
tickets to the Rangers
game Friday night.
Oh, I see.
Well... too bad.
And why is it "too
bad," pray tell?
Because Sam will
be with me, that's why.
Well, that seems
hardly possible,
since Sam will be with me.
I don't think so.
Well, I think so.
Ned, you are hairy,
bumpy and gross,
whereas I am curvy,
smooth and smell good.
You do the math.
Stacey, let me let you
in on something here.
While Sam may find
you an amusing diversion,
not unlike a cat playing
with a ball of yarn,
you'll never have
what he and I have.
That's that we're buddies.
Ooh, male bonding.
You're damn right.
I mean, all you can do
is have sex and cuddle.
Sam and I can write
our names in the snow.
Well, you're gonna
be writing alone,
because this Friday
night, Sam will be with me.
Hm-hm. I guess we'll just
see about that, won't we?
I suppose we will.
Okay.
Sam?
Hi, honey.
How are you?
Oh, really? I miss you too.
How was your day?
Oh, good, I'm glad.
Yeah.
Okay.
What?
Oh, sure, go
ahead. I'll... I'll hold.
Hey, buddy, it's me.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, pretty good on this end.
Ah, so the Pacers, right...
Ned. Oh, hang on, bro.
Yes'm?
I cannot believe you called him
when you knew that
I was talking to him.
Well, I think
that judging by the fact
that he took my phone call,
we could pretty much assume
that what you were saying was, uh,
boring.
So... Ho!
Trying to get the phone.
Sam, hang on! Come on.
Come on, come on, get the phone.
Come on, come on.
Hi, Sam It's me.
Again.
I'm sorry.
As you know, Ned can be
very immature sometimes,
Anyway...
I have something to ask you.
What are you doing this Friday?
'Cause I have got
two tickets for...
Oh, shoot.
That's me. I'm sorry. Hold on.
Hello?
Hello?
Who's this?
Sam's best friend.
Ned, stop it!
Yeah, you stop it!
He was my friend first!
Oh, who cares?! Amanda
set him up with me!
This is absolutely...
Oh, shoot! Hold...
Hello?
Sam, I'm gonna
have to call you back.
Hi.
Who was that? Sam.
See, he likes me
better. Ha-ha-ha-ha.
Oh, yeah? You're on my phone.
Sam likes me better. I win.
I win. I win. I win.
Hi, it's Stacey.
Leave it at the beep.
Hey, Stace, it's Sam.
Uh, yeah, Tuesday's fine.
I can swing by and pick you up,
or we can meet in
front of the theater.
Either way, just let me know.
Okay. Bye.
Message erased.
What are you doing?
Huh?
What?
Were you touching
my answering machine?
This is a good banana. No.
It was Sam, wasn't it?
About Tuesday night.
Look, Stacey, I don't listen
to your messages, remember?
I only erase them.
Oh, you are so childish.
Now I'm glad I told
Sam you were sick
and couldn't play racquetball.
How dare you?!
I waited on that
court for an hour.
Well, we were at a
movie. Ha-ha ha-ha-ha-ha.
Well, laugh now, little missy...
'cause Sam is about to find out
that his new girlfriend
is headed upstate
to have her baby.
Oh!
Oh, stop it! Oh, come on.
Let's just stop this, right now.
Hey.
You're the one that started it.
It doesn't matter
who started it.
Ned, let's just face facts.
Obviously, we both lack
the emotional maturity
to make this thing work.
Yeah. Yeah, you're right.
Wanna thumb-wrestle for him?
No. Scared?
Ned, this has
nothing... Come on!
Oh, stop it! Come on.
Stop it! Come on.
Okay, that's it. Come on.
Come on... Ha!
See? I win. Happy?
It's not fair, Thumbelina.
Ned, we're not gonna
settle this by thumb-wrestling.
Pistols?
Come on!
How come I'm the one
that has to give Sam up?
You don't have to
do anything, Ned.
It's just... It's just that I...
I really like Sam,
and I want a chance to
see if it can go somewhere.
I mean, to be honest,
I'm scared that I'm gonna
wake up 30 years from now,
alone and miserable,
living here with you.
Believe me when I tell
you, no one wants that.
All right.
All right, all right.
You take Sam.
Thank you.
Good luck.
But you be good to him.
So he comes in and says,
"These figures are wrong.
I want you to run 'em
through the computer again."
And I say, "Hey, you can
run 'em through a Cuisinart,
and they'll come out the same."
This is such a great night.
Yeah, it is.
God, I wonder what's
different about it.
Who's not here? Hmm.
Ned's been pulling
some long hours lately.
He bailed on me for
racquetball, poker.
It's not like him.
Um, well, you know,
he just got that
new... widget account.
Hey, there he is.
Hey, Ned.
Huh?
Oh, hello.
Hi. I...
I didn't know there was
a get-together tonight.
Come on. Have a seat, stranger.
Uh, love to, cannot.
Uh, I was probably gonna
hook up with some other friends,
you know, and maybe
make some new ones. Uh...
You know, just
friends, friends, friends.
Friend magnet.
I'll see ya.
Ned seems kinda
strange, doesn't he?
You just noticed?
Hey, Ray, I phoned
in a take-out order.
You check on that for me? Yeah.
Hey, Ned is that
your wife over there?
Yeah.
None of my business,
but some guy's got
his arm around her.
Hey, that's not some guy,
that's some terrific guy.
Don't take me there.
Hey. Hi.
What'll it be?
Sparkling wine cooler, please.
And would you mind turning on
the dog show?
That is none of your business.
So, uh, you a poodle man?
I've been called worse.
Whoo, that's a good one! Ah,
you're funny. You are funny!
Funny!
Oh, we're gonna be good friends.
We are?
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
So you live around here?
Family?
Like pudding?
Hey, Larry!
How you doin', man?
Yeah, hi.
So, who's winning the dog show?
Probably some bitch.
Or... Or maybe some bastard.
Uh, miss, we're all here.
You can seat us now.
See ya. Okay.
You guys have a good night, huh?
Freaks.
Hey, how's it hangin'?
He's going deep.
It's a long one.
Sanders is all alone, by
himself in the end zone.
Come on, baby. Come on.
Be there. Come on!
Oh, he dropped
it. It's incomplete.
He was all alone.
What a great chance.
'Scuse my French,
but what a f...
Fumble fingers.
Man, it's good to
see you again, Ned.
I tell you, I miss these
football Sundays of ours.
Well, listen, baby. I'm back!
New and improved,
33 percent more Ned.
Glad to hear it. I'm
gonna get another beer.
Throw me one, huh? All right.
Oh. Hi, Ned.
Hey!
What are you doing back?
I thought you had
that interview in Albany.
It was pushed back a week.
Really? Uh-huh.
Well, you know, you
should really go on back out.
Why?
I don't know,
'cause it's nice out.
It's 10 below zero.
Oh, it's New York. It's brisk.
Hi, Stace.
Okay, look, it's
not what you think.
I mean...
I cannot believe this, Ned.
What's goin' on? Just
one second, honey.
We thumb-wrestled
for him. I won!
It wasn't fair. You
have huge thumbs!
Yeah, but we had an agreement.
Yeah, I was emotionally
blackmailed into that agreement.
Uh, hello. What agreement?
You know you're wrong, Ned.
Hey, if watching a football game
with a buddy is wrong...
I don't wanna be right.
Uh, somebody wanna
tell me what's goin' on?
Fine. Let's tell him.
I have no fear of
having Sam decide.
Yeah?
Well, you should
be a little afraid,
because I could tell him a
few choice things about you
that would make him run faster
then Mark Fuhrman at
the Million Man March!
Ha-ha!
Your new girlfriend
ain't that witty, pal!
Honey, did you know
that buddy-boy over here
has a stuffed animal
named Mr. Gator
that he takes to
bed every night?
That's a lie.
He stays on the nightstand,
which is where he wants to be!
Speaking of bedtime,
did you know that Stacey...
snorts like a hedgehog
whenever she sleeps?
Actually, yes, I did.
Uh-huh.
Listen, guys, I think
we need to have a talk.
Why don't you sit down?
See what you did, you upset him.
You did. You were the one.
No, you did. Okay,
that's enough.
Come on, come on. Please.
Listen, this...
This is really
hard for me to say,
but, you know, I...
I just feel like I
gotta be honest.
Look, Ned, Stacey...
I don't think this
is gonna work out.
Have you met another couple?
No. Come on. Don't
do that to yourselves.
It's not you guys.
You guys are great.
It's me.
I'm... I'm... I'm just no
good with commitment...
and this relationship requires
twice as much as usual.
You understand?
Yeah. Right. Yeah.
Oh, yeah, I understand.
The way she goes, I guess.
Well, then, uh... I
guess I'll get going.
You guys take
care of yourselves.
I really need to
be alone right now.
What are you watching?
Television.
I wonder what Sam's doing.
I don't know.
It's 2:00 in the morning.
I assume he's asleep.
Wanna go look in his window?
No, no. No, no.
No, it's the last
one. It's mine.
I bought these.
Hey, I asked you to.
I paid for them.
I... like them more.
Okay, okay. Okay.
Let's thumb-wrestle for 'em.
Okay, let's go.
Oh... Your big
thumbs don't scare me.
One, two, three, four
I declare a thumb war
Ring Ding, please.
- Why Ned?
It was business.
Strictly business.
Here's the deal.
To get the promotion,
I needed the wife.
See, to get a life, I
needed his apartment.
So, what the hell, we
up and got married.
The only thing we
have in common?
We irritate each other. Right.
Enjoy the show.
As far as I'm concerned,
boiled alive: worst way to die.
Uh-uh. Plane crash.
No. No, no. Drowning.
Oh, come on.
Feet first through
a giant deli slicer.
Oh, no. You know what
would be the worst way to die?
Being buried alive. I
mean, just imagine it.
Underground, all
alone, trying to get out.
No one to boss around.
I'm just... I'm kidding around.
Just...
If I had to die unnaturally,
I think I'd just want someone
to come into my bedroom
and put a big fluffy pillow
over my face while I slept.
I wonder how our waitress died.
Oh, what the hell.
What do you guys want?
Stace? Uh, white wine.
You? Beer.
Ah, I'll go with you.
You don't look of legal age.
Ha-ha!
You really think boiled
alive is the worst?
Have you ever been in the
shower when someone flushes?
Hm?
Hey, I need a white wine,
a light beer and a Stoli rocks.
Iced tea, cap'n.
Oh, come on. Pass it!
Why doesn't John Starks
ever take a jump shot
from closer than 70 feet?
Fear of intimacy?
Oh, Sam!
Hey, Amanda!
Hey! How are ya?
Good to see you. You too.
Did you ever get rid of that
loft space on West Broadway?
No. No, no.
The saga continues.
So are you here alone?
Yeah. The cable
is out in my building.
I came down to watch the game.
Oh, well, please,
come sit with us.
I'm just here having
a drink with Eric and...
that's my sister, Stacey.
Wow.
She single?
Yes.
Well, I mean, except for him.
Ned Dorsey, fake husband.
Good to see ya. Good to know ya.
Sam Clark.
What'd you say you were?
So you're not involved
in each other's lives at all?
You don't, uh, listen to
each other's problems?
Oh, no, no, no. No.
Listen to her problems?
Who's got that
kind of time, Sam?
So I can safely assume
that you don't have sex.
Oh, Sam! NED: No!
Sam, no! Don't go there.
Well, what do you two
think of this arrangement?
Well, I've always thought
it was a sick and
desperate cry for help
on both their parts.
How 'bout you,
honey? I don't know.
There's something about
the idea of being married
while still being
free to cavort wildly
with a variety of
sexual partners
that... I really have no
interest in whatsoever.
Good answer. Yeah, well...
We'd better get going.
The babysitter is probably
on the ledge by now.
Hey, Rico. Saturday
night I got four tickets
for the Knicks and
Bulls. Wanna come?
Oh, can I?
Bridge with the Gunthers.
No!
Bridge with the
Gunthers. Can't do it.
See ya. Nice to meet ya.
Bye. Good night.
Night, guys.
Ned, if you got a spare
ticket for that game,
I got a spare
butt for that seat.
Well, are you willing to cruelly
berate the players with me?
Are you kiddin'? I
like to scream at 'em
till they run off the court
into the stands after me.
And then cower under your
seat making woman noises?
Exactly. Ha-ha! We're there!
All right.
So, Sam, Amanda tells
me you're really into jazz.
Yeah. You a fan? Love it.
You know the Bobby
Adams Quintet?
Love 'em.
Dugan's Pub,
downtown this weekend.
Love to. Oh, oh, can't.
Uh, Friday night I'm going out,
and Saturday night you
guys are goin' to the game.
Well, the game'll be over by 10.
We could hop a cab and
meet you in the Village by 11.
Sure.
Hey, what a night for me, huh?
An hour ago, I was
sittin' all by myself
and now I got a new buddy
and a hot date
with his new wife.
Do you think we're slutty?
Hey, that cab driver
had crazy eyes.
You know, I'm usually
a little concerned
when they have a hot plate
right there on the front seat.
If you were so nervous,
why did you keep
telling him to go faster?
Hey, when you're goin' the
wrong way on Fifth Avenue,
you wanna get it over
with as quickly as possible.
Well, listen, guys,
this was a great night.
The game. The jazz club.
Running through the fountain.
Jazz. Fun. It was really fun.
It was a lot of fun. I liked it.
It was good.
Wanna come in for cold beer...
Wanna come in for some wine...
or, you know, warm beer?
Or listen to some music?
Uh, yeah, sure. That'd be great.
Good deal. Come on in.
Fine.
This is such a nice night, Sam.
Hopefully, it's
the first of many.
You like some more wine?
You trying to get me drunk?
Maybe.
Your move, Sammy!
Oh! Comin' at ya!
Oh, nice one.
You didn't fall for
my little gambit, I see.
What, are you kidding me?
There was a neon sign over it
flashing, "I prefer
needlepoint."
Yeah, big talk from a
guy with no bishops.
Oh, shoot. Listen,
I gotta get up early.
We'll pick this up
another time, okay, pal?
All right, man. But be warned.
I'm takin' back the knight.
You're leaving already, Sam?
Yeah, well, it's late,
and I'm a little lightheaded
from drinking beer and wine.
Go long, crappy chess player.
Ooh! Okay.
Okay. Okay.
Oh...
Thank you so much
for such a great night.
Hey, thank you.
You know, maybe I
shouldn't say this, but, uh...
I have a really good
feeling about us.
Me too.
You have my number,
right? Absolutely.
Got it memorized.
I'll call you tomorrow. Okay.
Ned, I'll call you too.
'Kay.
Good night.
Good night, Stace.
Sleep tight. You too.
So long, pal.
Okay.
Oh, he's a great guy!
Yeah.
That's right. That's right.
Two... Two orchestra
seats for The Nutcracker
this Friday night.
Mm-hm.
Stacey Dorsey.
Thank you.
Uh, Stacey... Mm-hm?
You wouldn't, by any
chance, be getting those tickets
for you and Sam
on Friday night, would you?
Yes. This Friday night is
our three-week anniversary.
Hm. What a
coincidence. Ours too.
But I got Sam and I
tickets to the Rangers
game Friday night.
Oh, I see.
Well... too bad.
And why is it "too
bad," pray tell?
Because Sam will
be with me, that's why.
Well, that seems
hardly possible,
since Sam will be with me.
I don't think so.
Well, I think so.
Ned, you are hairy,
bumpy and gross,
whereas I am curvy,
smooth and smell good.
You do the math.
Stacey, let me let you
in on something here.
While Sam may find
you an amusing diversion,
not unlike a cat playing
with a ball of yarn,
you'll never have
what he and I have.
That's that we're buddies.
Ooh, male bonding.
You're damn right.
I mean, all you can do
is have sex and cuddle.
Sam and I can write
our names in the snow.
Well, you're gonna
be writing alone,
because this Friday
night, Sam will be with me.
Hm-hm. I guess we'll just
see about that, won't we?
I suppose we will.
Okay.
Sam?
Hi, honey.
How are you?
Oh, really? I miss you too.
How was your day?
Oh, good, I'm glad.
Yeah.
Okay.
What?
Oh, sure, go
ahead. I'll... I'll hold.
Hey, buddy, it's me.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, pretty good on this end.
Ah, so the Pacers, right...
Ned. Oh, hang on, bro.
Yes'm?
I cannot believe you called him
when you knew that
I was talking to him.
Well, I think
that judging by the fact
that he took my phone call,
we could pretty much assume
that what you were saying was, uh,
boring.
So... Ho!
Trying to get the phone.
Sam, hang on! Come on.
Come on, come on, get the phone.
Come on, come on.
Hi, Sam It's me.
Again.
I'm sorry.
As you know, Ned can be
very immature sometimes,
Anyway...
I have something to ask you.
What are you doing this Friday?
'Cause I have got
two tickets for...
Oh, shoot.
That's me. I'm sorry. Hold on.
Hello?
Hello?
Who's this?
Sam's best friend.
Ned, stop it!
Yeah, you stop it!
He was my friend first!
Oh, who cares?! Amanda
set him up with me!
This is absolutely...
Oh, shoot! Hold...
Hello?
Sam, I'm gonna
have to call you back.
Hi.
Who was that? Sam.
See, he likes me
better. Ha-ha-ha-ha.
Oh, yeah? You're on my phone.
Sam likes me better. I win.
I win. I win. I win.
Hi, it's Stacey.
Leave it at the beep.
Hey, Stace, it's Sam.
Uh, yeah, Tuesday's fine.
I can swing by and pick you up,
or we can meet in
front of the theater.
Either way, just let me know.
Okay. Bye.
Message erased.
What are you doing?
Huh?
What?
Were you touching
my answering machine?
This is a good banana. No.
It was Sam, wasn't it?
About Tuesday night.
Look, Stacey, I don't listen
to your messages, remember?
I only erase them.
Oh, you are so childish.
Now I'm glad I told
Sam you were sick
and couldn't play racquetball.
How dare you?!
I waited on that
court for an hour.
Well, we were at a
movie. Ha-ha ha-ha-ha-ha.
Well, laugh now, little missy...
'cause Sam is about to find out
that his new girlfriend
is headed upstate
to have her baby.
Oh!
Oh, stop it! Oh, come on.
Let's just stop this, right now.
Hey.
You're the one that started it.
It doesn't matter
who started it.
Ned, let's just face facts.
Obviously, we both lack
the emotional maturity
to make this thing work.
Yeah. Yeah, you're right.
Wanna thumb-wrestle for him?
No. Scared?
Ned, this has
nothing... Come on!
Oh, stop it! Come on.
Stop it! Come on.
Okay, that's it. Come on.
Come on... Ha!
See? I win. Happy?
It's not fair, Thumbelina.
Ned, we're not gonna
settle this by thumb-wrestling.
Pistols?
Come on!
How come I'm the one
that has to give Sam up?
You don't have to
do anything, Ned.
It's just... It's just that I...
I really like Sam,
and I want a chance to
see if it can go somewhere.
I mean, to be honest,
I'm scared that I'm gonna
wake up 30 years from now,
alone and miserable,
living here with you.
Believe me when I tell
you, no one wants that.
All right.
All right, all right.
You take Sam.
Thank you.
Good luck.
But you be good to him.
So he comes in and says,
"These figures are wrong.
I want you to run 'em
through the computer again."
And I say, "Hey, you can
run 'em through a Cuisinart,
and they'll come out the same."
This is such a great night.
Yeah, it is.
God, I wonder what's
different about it.
Who's not here? Hmm.
Ned's been pulling
some long hours lately.
He bailed on me for
racquetball, poker.
It's not like him.
Um, well, you know,
he just got that
new... widget account.
Hey, there he is.
Hey, Ned.
Huh?
Oh, hello.
Hi. I...
I didn't know there was
a get-together tonight.
Come on. Have a seat, stranger.
Uh, love to, cannot.
Uh, I was probably gonna
hook up with some other friends,
you know, and maybe
make some new ones. Uh...
You know, just
friends, friends, friends.
Friend magnet.
I'll see ya.
Ned seems kinda
strange, doesn't he?
You just noticed?
Hey, Ray, I phoned
in a take-out order.
You check on that for me? Yeah.
Hey, Ned is that
your wife over there?
Yeah.
None of my business,
but some guy's got
his arm around her.
Hey, that's not some guy,
that's some terrific guy.
Don't take me there.
Hey. Hi.
What'll it be?
Sparkling wine cooler, please.
And would you mind turning on
the dog show?
That is none of your business.
So, uh, you a poodle man?
I've been called worse.
Whoo, that's a good one! Ah,
you're funny. You are funny!
Funny!
Oh, we're gonna be good friends.
We are?
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
So you live around here?
Family?
Like pudding?
Hey, Larry!
How you doin', man?
Yeah, hi.
So, who's winning the dog show?
Probably some bitch.
Or... Or maybe some bastard.
Uh, miss, we're all here.
You can seat us now.
See ya. Okay.
You guys have a good night, huh?
Freaks.
Hey, how's it hangin'?
He's going deep.
It's a long one.
Sanders is all alone, by
himself in the end zone.
Come on, baby. Come on.
Be there. Come on!
Oh, he dropped
it. It's incomplete.
He was all alone.
What a great chance.
'Scuse my French,
but what a f...
Fumble fingers.
Man, it's good to
see you again, Ned.
I tell you, I miss these
football Sundays of ours.
Well, listen, baby. I'm back!
New and improved,
33 percent more Ned.
Glad to hear it. I'm
gonna get another beer.
Throw me one, huh? All right.
Oh. Hi, Ned.
Hey!
What are you doing back?
I thought you had
that interview in Albany.
It was pushed back a week.
Really? Uh-huh.
Well, you know, you
should really go on back out.
Why?
I don't know,
'cause it's nice out.
It's 10 below zero.
Oh, it's New York. It's brisk.
Hi, Stace.
Okay, look, it's
not what you think.
I mean...
I cannot believe this, Ned.
What's goin' on? Just
one second, honey.
We thumb-wrestled
for him. I won!
It wasn't fair. You
have huge thumbs!
Yeah, but we had an agreement.
Yeah, I was emotionally
blackmailed into that agreement.
Uh, hello. What agreement?
You know you're wrong, Ned.
Hey, if watching a football game
with a buddy is wrong...
I don't wanna be right.
Uh, somebody wanna
tell me what's goin' on?
Fine. Let's tell him.
I have no fear of
having Sam decide.
Yeah?
Well, you should
be a little afraid,
because I could tell him a
few choice things about you
that would make him run faster
then Mark Fuhrman at
the Million Man March!
Ha-ha!
Your new girlfriend
ain't that witty, pal!
Honey, did you know
that buddy-boy over here
has a stuffed animal
named Mr. Gator
that he takes to
bed every night?
That's a lie.
He stays on the nightstand,
which is where he wants to be!
Speaking of bedtime,
did you know that Stacey...
snorts like a hedgehog
whenever she sleeps?
Actually, yes, I did.
Uh-huh.
Listen, guys, I think
we need to have a talk.
Why don't you sit down?
See what you did, you upset him.
You did. You were the one.
No, you did. Okay,
that's enough.
Come on, come on. Please.
Listen, this...
This is really
hard for me to say,
but, you know, I...
I just feel like I
gotta be honest.
Look, Ned, Stacey...
I don't think this
is gonna work out.
Have you met another couple?
No. Come on. Don't
do that to yourselves.
It's not you guys.
You guys are great.
It's me.
I'm... I'm... I'm just no
good with commitment...
and this relationship requires
twice as much as usual.
You understand?
Yeah. Right. Yeah.
Oh, yeah, I understand.
The way she goes, I guess.
Well, then, uh... I
guess I'll get going.
You guys take
care of yourselves.
I really need to
be alone right now.
What are you watching?
Television.
I wonder what Sam's doing.
I don't know.
It's 2:00 in the morning.
I assume he's asleep.
Wanna go look in his window?
No, no. No, no.
No, it's the last
one. It's mine.
I bought these.
Hey, I asked you to.
I paid for them.
I... like them more.
Okay, okay. Okay.
Let's thumb-wrestle for 'em.
Okay, let's go.
Oh... Your big
thumbs don't scare me.
One, two, three, four
I declare a thumb war
Ring Ding, please.