Nathan for You (2013–…): Season 3, Episode 6 - Hotel/Travel Agent - full transcript

- My name is Nathan Fielder,

and I graduated from one of
Canada's top business schools

with really good grades.

Now I'm using my knowledge

to help struggling
small business owners make it

in this competitive world.

This is "Nathan for You."

If you're
a traveling businessman

visiting Pomona, California,

chances are you'll stay
at the iconic Hilltop Hotel.

But recently,
hotel manager Kenny Pang



has been eager to attract
a new type of clientele:

families on vacation.

- The hotel would like to,
you know,

get more families to come in
because when they--

when they come in,

they will stay a lot longer
than the other guests.

- But as far as I'm concerned,

if you want to attract
families,

you have to cater to the needs
of the parents.

So I paid Kenny a visit
with a way to help.

When couples stay alone
in a hotel,

if their relationship's
going well,

they'll usually have sex,
right?

- [laughs]



That's common sense.

- Yeah. But when families
travel together,

I imagine it's incredibly
frustrating for the parents

because they're unable
to engage in sexual intercourse

because their kids are there.

- [laughing]
You know what?

I never, ever really
pay attention to this matter.

But...it's out there.

- Right now, the reason

why parents don't want
to have sex while on vacation

is because their children
will see and hear them,

leading to permanent
developmental damage

which can never be repaired.

But if the Hilltop Hotel could
offer a portable soundproof box

that completely
isolates the child

from his parents' carnal acts,

they'd quickly become
the top hotel choice

for sexually active parents
traveling with their children.

The plan:

- Then, it would still be
inside...the room.

Is that what you're saying?
Oh, sorry.

- You know, the best part
is kids wouldn't see this

as some prison
they're forced into.

It would be a fun isolation box

that kids
of all ages would enjoy.

- Um...

If you put it that way,
theoretically, maybe.

- Kenny was beginning
to see the potential of my idea

and even had some suggestions
of his own.

- Every single thing
that kids would love

could go into that box.

I mean, you know,
little flashlights, you know,

little stars to, you know,
go off at night.

- But before committing
to anything,

he wanted to see
a working prototype.

So I got to work constructing
our first isolation chamber

that would be large enough

to house a child
up to 16 years of age.

But since the most important
part was the soundproofing,

we layered the inside walls

with 6 inches
of rock wool batting

and then added
a cork-lined inner chamber

with a pressurized seal that
would eliminate vibrations.

Because the box
had to be airtight,

I also installed a
self-contained breathing system

that would pump oxygen in
while scrubbing out the CO2

so the child wouldn't
suffocate.

And as a final precaution,

I created
a rainforest soundscape

to play inside the box
with custom animal calls

that would hopefully camouflage

any sex noises
that happened to get through.

Ooh-ooh-ee-ee-ah-ahh....

[grunting]
Ruh-ruh-ah...

Oooooooh...

With every precaution taken

and the box now decorated
to make it exciting for kids,

it seemed like our prototype
was complete.

But I knew
that if even one sex noise

happened to get through
to the inside,

the Hilltop could be liable for
traumatizing an innocent child.

So after setting up the box
in one of their suites,

I hired
two pornographic performers

to help me test it out
under real-life circumstances.

Do you normally start,
like, kissing a little bit,

and then it
gets more and more or--

- It kind
of depends on the scene.

I mean, usually, like,
sometimes, there's kissing.

Sometimes, it just
goes straight to blowjob.

- Oh, okay.
- Yeah.

- While Tony and Holly
got ready in the bathroom,

I brought in
our test subject...

Hey.
- Hi.

- How's it going? I'm Nathan.
Nice to meet you.

An eight-year-old child actor
named Bradley.

- What the heck?

- Pretty cool fort, huh?
- Yeah.

- Bradley loved the box.

And after helping him in
and showing him how to alert me

in case of an emergency...

[alarm beeps]

You see?
That light?

I sealed him inside
the chamber...

making sure there was no way
he could get out on his own

and ruin his innocence.

Even though Bradley's parents

were fully aware
of what was about to happen,

they still insisted on
being present during the test.

So I just want to be
clear with you guys.

Because this is a test,

I'm gonna have the performers
go at each other pretty hard.

- Okay.

- Okay.
- And with that,

I brought Jurgen and Marie into
the room so we could begin.

Are you guys ready?
- Yeah.

- Okay. Whenever you're ready.
- Oh, we're ready.

- [murmurs]

[both murmuring]
[kissing sounds]

- I love you so much,
Marie.

- Touch me where I like it,
Jurgen.

- I gave them your names
to make it more realistic.

- Okay.

- Watch and learn, hon.
[laughs]

- [moaning]
Oh...

Oh, you like it when
I beg for that [bleep],

don't you, Jurgen?

[moans]
Ah!

- After a few minutes,

the real Jurgen and Marie
decided to leave the room.

- There's an alert button.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay. I'll take care of him.
- Okay. Thanks.

- See you, guys.

With Jurgen and Marie gone,

I was left to monitor the rest
of the test on my own.

- [yelling]
Oh! Oh!

[loud moaning]

Oh, God, Jurgen!

[both moaning]

[rainforest sounds playing]

- Once I observed
the couple had climaxed,

I knew it wasn't gonna
get any louder,

so I had them finish up

and brought in something
comfortable for them to put on.

And with Holly and Tony
out of the room,

it's time to see
if my box had worked.

So what was it like being
in outer space?

- Fun.
- Did you...hear anything?

- Animal noises.

- Animal noises?

Nothing besides that?

- No.
- Nothing?

- Nothing.

- My box had passed
an initial test.

But with a child's mental
health on the line,

I needed to make sure
it held up

under even the most
extreme circumstances.

So to put it through
the ultimate stress test,

I arranged for
an additional five performers

to join Tony and Holly
for a seven-person orgy.

So these are some of
my friends here.

Just wanna say hi?

all: Hi.
- Yeah.

- Nice to meet you.
- Okay.

You know the drill, right?
- Yeah.

- Blast off.

[loud moaning,
groaning]

- It was clear that if my box
could withstand this,

it would hold up
in any situation

a hotel client might get into.

So after the 30-minute
group session concluded,

I followed up one more time
with Bradley.

So, uh...how was that?

- Awesome.

- Did you hear
anything strange this time?

- No.
- Nothing?

- Nothing.

- It worked. The box
was completely soundproof.

And that meant I could finally

return to Kenny
with undeniable proof

that the product was ready
to be offered to his guests.

- Oh, is that--

[laughs]
Wow.

It looks like
a space shuttle.

- Oh, God, Jurgen!

[both moaning loudly]

- So, as you can see,

we tested it out
in every possible scenario...

- Mm-hmm.
- From a couple making love

to a seven-person
group engagement,

and there was a child
in there the entire time...

- Mm-hmm.

- Who didn't hear anything.

- Mm-hmm.
Okay.

Wow. Um...

Mm...

- So I guess we'll leave the box
in the lobby,

and just let me know
if you want to order any more.

- Um...

Thank you for the offer,
but--

- You don't have to worry
about it--it's my gift to you.

We'll just leave it
in the lobby.

- Uh...all right.

Leave it in the lobby, then.
Yeah.

[light music]

♪

- In making this show,
I'm constantly on the road,

driving from location
to location.

I try to use the time
as best I can

by catching up on
the royalty-free music tracks

I'm thinking
of using in my show.

- ♪ Hot summer nights
after the sun went down ♪

♪ Dreaming of a life
outside my little town ♪

- But because the traffic
is so terrible

in Southern California,

I often find myself
stuck in total gridlock,

'causing me huge delays
to wherever I'm going,

and in my line of work,
being late is not an option.

So I recently developed
a solution

that allows me to be on time
no matter how bad traffic gets.

Whenever I'm on the road,

I make sure to have two interns
follow me on a motorcycle.

Then, the second
I hit any traffic,

I give them a signal
out my window

to approach
the side of the car.

This is where a switch occurs,

as my unpaid intern
takes my spot in the car

while I quickly mount the back
of the motorcycle.

And because it's legal
to split lanes in California,

I'm able to speed
through the gridlock

and get to where I'm going
without any delay whatsoever,

leaving my unpaid intern
to wait in traffic

and eventually deliver my car
to my destination.

But the more I use the system,

the more I notice
that others around me

looked envious
of my ability to avoid traffic,

and that's when I realized

I might've accidentally
stumbled onto

a major business opportunity.

If I could arrange
for hundreds of motorcyclists

throughout the city
to be on-call

to fetch gridlocked drivers
at a moment's notice,

I'd be able to help
everyone avoid traffic,

and my gridlock rescue concept
could become a national hit.

But to do this
would take some work,

so we'll check back with this
in a bit.

But first...

Rose Ilandrian
is a travel agent

and the owner of Glendale,
California's Travelure By Rose.

But in this internet age,

she's seen
her longstanding business

crippled by modern technology.

- All of a sudden,
internet came

and everybody's--they're going
directly to the internet.

- And because of this,
her customers have dwindled

to the last holdouts
of the information age--

the oldest of the old.

So I paid Rose a visit
with a really good solution.

You see, pretty soon,
Rose's customers will be so old

that the only travel they'll be
interested in planning

is their trip into the ground.

[thud]
- Oh, no!

- So if Rose were to capitalize
on her giant rolodex of elders

by helping
them book their funerals,

she'd open up
a whole new stream of revenue

from coffin sales
and grave plots.

The plan: for Rose to
transition her travel agency

into a full-service
funeral home.

- What are you talking?

- I mean, even you acknowledged
the business is gonna die.

- Yes.
- Travel agents

aren't gonna
be around much longer.

- My opinion.

- Your opinion?
- Yes.

- So this is
a last-ditch effort

to squeeze out as much
as you can from your customers

before they're gone for good.

- Hmm.

- Rose seemed interested
in the prospect

of making money
from her dying customers.

But since neither of us knew
how the funeral business

actually operated,
I booked us an appointment

at one of the area's
most popular funeral homes.

Not wanting to tip off
that we were a new competitor

looking for trade secrets,

I convinced Rose to pose
as my dying wife

whose funeral
we were looking to plan

before she bites the dust.

Okay. Show me
how you're gonna act in there.

- What do you want?
I mean, like this...

- Yeah.
That's realistic kind of sick.

It's almost dead--okay.
Good.

- But I'm a very strong lady.
- Yeah, you're strong

in real life, but for this,
you're pretending to be sick.

- Okay.

- So we headed into our meeting

with funeral director
Breanna Gallagher

to find out everything we could
about their business model.

Sadly, uh, my wife, Rose,

has come down with Klein's
and she's on her way out,

so we're trying to make
arrangements for the day.

- Sure.
- So whatever, you know,

options you have and can
run through kind of

everything you offer,
that would be really helpful

for us to make our decision.

- Absolutely.

- With the funeral director
buying our story,

she walked me through all their
products and services,

and I was sure to take note
of everything.

And can I ask, uh, who your
distributor is for these?

- Aurora.
We use Aurora caskets.

- Aurora?
- Yes.

- My plan was working

to get Rose the information
she needed,

but I was surprised to learn

that the business was trending
away from caskets altogether.

- Cremation is on the rise
right now.

- It was clear
that if Rose wanted to compete,

she'd need to be able to offer
cremation to her customers.

But when I looked online,

I discovered
that cremation furnaces

were ridiculously expensive,

and the only ovens that seemed
to be in her price range

were ones that cooked pizzas.

But before suggesting
this to Rose,

I needed to be sure
it could incinerate a body.

So I contacted a local pizzeria

and asked if I could do a test
in one of their ovens.

Obviously,
I couldn't use a real cadaver,

so I structured a makeshift
body out of dough

and filled the insides
with pork bones

and whatever stuff I could

to make the anatomy
as close to human as possible.

And once it was done,
we wrapped it up

and headed over
to Burbank Pizzeria

to see if their oven
would burn it to a crisp.

- I was told it was just
a calzone you were gonna cook.

I wasn't sure that this was
gonna be this big of a deal

with clothing and cloth
and leather and hair

and stuff like that,
so...

Okay, but if we take off
the clothing, then it's okay?

- I think it would be best
if you want to cook it.

- After a brief negotiation,

George allowed me to continue
as long as we put him in naked.

[cheerful music]

So once all the clothes
were removed,

George and I delicately
loaded the body

into the 650-degree oven,

and then all there was left
to do was wait.

Are you, uh,
are you married?

- Yup.

- Congratulations.
- Thank you.

Are you married?

- No. No.

- I'm gonna get me some water.

- After 1 1/2 hours,
George had to open up his shop.

So he made me take out the body
before it was fully burnt,

but he seemed confident
that this would work.

A few more hours, would it
all just burn to a crisp?

- Yup.
- Would that work the same

for a human body too?

- Well, anything in that heat
eventually will burn, yeah.

- With the success
of my scientific experiment,

I now knew that Rose
would be able

to offer cremations
on a budget.

So I dressed up
her waiting area

with marketing materials

that would showcase all the new
services that were available.

And with that,
it was time to see if Rose

could convince customers
to plan their funerals

with Travelure.

- I'd like to go again
to Las Vegas, Nevada.

- After handling
the customer's travel needs,

I then had Rose
bring up the new service.

- And we sell, sorry I'm telling
you this one, funeral packages.

- Oh, yeah. Okay.

All right. Yeah.

- If you are ready
or you have the plans...

like, we prepare
all these packages.

- Um...

I don't have plans
in that area right now, though,

but yeah.
It's good to know, yeah.

I need to know just in case.
- Yes.

Whenever you need that,
just let me know.

- Yeah. Okay. Yeah.

Sure. Sure.

- But unfortunately,
the customer wasn't interested.

And after that,

Rose started having
second thoughts.

- It has to come from my heart.

I have to like what I'm doing.

- So it's not quite
for you?

- I can do it, but, again,

it's not from my heart.

- You know, it's funny.

All this talk
about funerals and stuff

has really gotten me thinking
a lot about my own mortality,

you know what I mean?

- Yes.

- It makes you realize
that at the end of the day,

it's not about how much
money you make

or...how many girls
you've slept with.

It's about the little moments
that are nice.

- Very nice.
- Like this.

- Yeah. This is one.
This moment is very good.

- Good luck with everything,
Rose.

- Thank you, too, Nathan.

Thank you. Thank you.

- Yeah. Bye.
- Bye-bye.

Good-bye.

- Earlier, you saw me
come up with an idea

to rescue people from gridlock.

But to see if this would work
as an actual service,

I'd first need to recruit
motorcyclists

that were interested
in being riders.

Knowing that bikers
have a pack mentality,

I thought I'd have
the best chance

of gaining their interest

if they thought
I was one of them.

[wolf whistle]

So I headed to
a local biker bar

with the goal of recruiting
couples who ride together

to take part in my service.

And after spending some time
doing my best to blend in...

[groans]
Ugh.

My life.

I met a biker couple
named Sean and Laura

who seemed interested
in my idea.

I'm working
on a business opportunity,

and I'm looking for couples
that know how to ride.

So the next day,
I brought them into my office

to see if they'd be
right for the job.

To launch this, you know,

I'm looking for strong couples
because, you know,

if I hire you guys
and you break up,

you're kind of useless
to me.

- Right.
- So I should ask.

Are there any issues
in the relationship at all?

- I think
we're pretty solid.

I mean, I'm not--

- I'm not looking to go
see anybody else, so...

- Not really.
- Okay.

If I hire you, and God forbid,
you guys do break up,

how quickly do you think
you'd be able

to get into
a new relationship?

- [laughs] That's a--
That's--[stammers]

I wouldn't be
able to answer that.

Sometimes it's been years.

Sometimes it's been
the next day, you know?

It's--
- The next day?

- I have done it
in a day.

I've done two in a day.
[laughing]

- What does
that mean?

- Um...

- Yeah.
What does that mean?

- I had too much fun in one day
with two different women.

- Like, a threesome?

- No. It was separate.

In the same--same day,

at the same party,
but no, not together.

- So you had sex with one woman,
then another right after?

- Pretty much.
- Okay.

So if this
relationship ends,

you'll find someone
pretty quick.

- Sure.
- Okay.

I mean,
you guys seem great.

With Laura and Sean on board,

I was one step closer
to my gridlock rescue service

becoming a reality.

But before launching this,

I needed to see if there was
interest from actual commuters.

So I sent Sean and Laura
out into rush hour traffic

to see if the public
would embrace my idea.

- Roll down your window.

How you doing today?

We're offering
a service.

My girlfriend would be
more than happy

to drive your car
to wherever you're going.

You can get on the back
of the bike,

and we'll get you there
a whole lot quicker.

All right.

- I was surprised that people
weren't receptive to my idea.

- Just tell me
where you want to go.

We'll take you.

I-I know you don't
want to do it,

but please don't disrespect me
while I'm talking to you.

Hop on the bike!

- All right.
- Go.

- And in that moment,
for the first time,

I finally realized
the fatal flaw in my concept.

In this post-Pearl Harbor
world,

people don't trust their fellow
man the way they once did.

- People are just so scared
and afraid

of the unknown that once
they shut their mind off,

it's really hard
to open it up.

- Exactly.

- It was a sad conclusion

to what I thought
was a revolutionary idea.

But at least we could celebrate
that we gave it our all

as a team.

- What are you guys
doing later tonight?

- Well, I'm taking her out
to get something to eat.

- Oh.
Where are you guys gonna go?

- I don't know yet.
Maybe fish.

- Fish?
- Crab.

- Oh. Sounds good.

Would you like to--
me to come too?

We could all have a--

- No. I think we're good.

- Okay. You guys--
it's like just for you guys?

- Yeah.
No. I'm taking my lady out.

I...don't really
need any company with me.

- Okay. Sure.
I mean, I wouldn't want to be

a third wheel, you know?

- That's what it would be,
so...

- Oh, okay.
- Yeah.

- Well, it's great working
with you guys.

- Nice working with you, too.
- Yes.

In the end, Sean and Laura

weren't that different
from everyone else--

too afraid of the unknown
to let a stranger inside.

But, brother,
I'll tell you one thing.

I'd rather be trusting
than late.

- ♪ Hot summer nights
after the sun went down ♪

♪ Dreaming of a life
outside my little town ♪

- Abso...lutely.

- Highway blues.
- I'm sorry to hear that.

- It's okay.
- We've all been there.

- Oh, yeah. Yeah.

[deep inhale]

Life alone on the road.