Nathan for You (2013–…): Season 3, Episode 2 - Horseback Riding/Man Zone - full transcript

- My name is Nathan Fielder,

and I graduated from one of
Canada's top business schools

with really good grades.

Now I'm using my knowledge

to help struggling
small business owners make it

in this competitive world.

This is "Nathan for You."

There's nothing more fun

than sitting on an animal
that's bigger than you

and riding it around,

which is why Joy Lazarus
of Park Place Stable



in Malibu, California,
has made a business

out of charging people
to do just that,

unless, of course,
you're overweight.

- We don't want
to injure our horses,

and that's what
it really comes down to,

so, you know,
we're not gonna allow

a 400-pound person
to ride.

- But unlike Joy,
I believe that everyone

should be able to mount a horse,

so I paid her a visit
with a way to help.

You know, it's nice to think
about your horses and all,

but humans have feelings too.

- I don't want
to reject anybody,

but there's... you know, there's...
there's nothing I can do.



- Right now, the heaviest load

a horse can carry is 220 pounds,

and if Joy allowed riders
above that weight

to mount a horse,

there's a big risk
the animal will buckle

and suffer severe
or even fatal injuries.

But if plus-sized customers
could have their weight offset

by being tied to helium-filled
weather balloons,

Joy would be able to expand
her customer base

to a totally unserved market.

- So, um, you want to put
balloons on a person?

- Correct.
- Okay.

- Sometimes it's not about,
you know,

only making money.

It's about doing what's right.

Imagine if you were
the only place that

could provide horsey rides
for the, uh, morbidly obese.

- But I don't, I mean...

- I don't want you to end up
on the wrong side of history

with this one.

- Okay.

- Joy was in,
so the next morning,

I ordered
some weather balloons online

and amassed a stockpile
of helium

to conduct
a preliminary weight test.

I discovered that
each helium-filled balloon

I attached to me
would reduce my weight

by 20 pounds,
so it was a simple matter

of adding more
until each customer

was below the weight limit,

but I still had to factor in

the harsh conditions
of the trail.

You see, when Joy took me
along the route earlier,

I noticed there were two things

that could compromise
the balloons,

the sharp branches
that hung over the trails

and the razor-beaked birds
that were in the sky.

If either one of them
came in contact

with our balloons,

the result would be disastrous.

With a horse's life at stake,

I wasn't gonna take any chances,

so I came up with the idea

of having two pizza-paddle-like
branch blockers

that would protect the balloons
from any punctures.

Nice.

This would work well
for the trees,

but unlike branches,
birds are a moving target

that would require
a more precise approach.

So I paid a visit
to a local gun shop

to see if there were
any nonlethal ways

to incapacitate a bird.

I'm looking
for a gun that will, like,

stun a bird but not kill it.

- Doesn't exist.

Odds are, you're gonna
kill it or cripple it.

- I didn't want to kill a bird,
so I explained my entire plan

to the clerk to see
if he had any other ideas,

but that's when his mood soured.

- You want to suspend people
with helium balloons

so that it alleviates
the weight of them

on the back of a horse.

- Yes.

- I do not believe

in this... in this
"hug the world" scenario

that you're describing
where everybody

has a right to do everything
just because they want to.

- I disagree.

I think anyone should
be able to do anything.

- I do not have

a "bubble gum and sunshine"
view of the world.

- Uh-oh! Uh-oh!

If people don't suffer
for their own stupidity,

nobody learns.
- What was that sound?

- Sorry, that was my...
- Oh.

Cell phone telling me
there's a message.

Let me put that on...
forgot to put that on silent.

- It says "uh-oh" like that
every time?

- Every time I get a message.

- Do you have an option
of what it says?

- Yeah.

- And you chose that?
- Yep.

- It was clear
this guy wasn't gonna help me

find a way to protect
my balloons from birds,

but that's when
it occurred to me

that I might be able
to adapt a tool

that farmers had been using
on the ground for years

to the sky.

A flying scarecrow.

It was the nonviolent solution
I was looking for.

So, with everything I needed,

I could now head back
to Park Place Stable

to put my idea to the test.

I had found an overweight man
named Heath

who was willing to try out
my concept.

And after doing
an official weigh-in...

275.

I calculated it would take
exactly three balloons

to bring him
under the weight limit.

But as he started getting
strapped in,

I noticed that
two other customers

who had been booked
for the same ride

were looking at Heath
and snickering.

I had already explained to them

that we were accommodating
an overweight customer,

so this behavior
was completely inappropriate.

So, before we headed out,
I decided to give them a talk.

Can I ask what's funny
about what we're doing here?

- There's three massive balloons
ha... attached to a man.

Right there.

- I mean, this is the only way
he can ride a horse.

Would you laugh at a wheelchair?

I mean, that's a medical device
he's wearing.

- Okay.
You're 100% right.

- Right.

Just because he's a larger man

and hooked up
to giant helium balloons...

- It doesn't mean...
excuse me?

- It's not funny at all.

- Right.

'Cause if I see either of you
so much as smirk

from this point forward,
your ride is over.

Got it?
- Yes.

- Mm-hmm.

- All right.

- With the normal riders
promising to be respectful

and Heath now weighing in
below the 220-pound limit...

How does it feel?
- Good. Feels good.

- Do you feel lighter?
- Yeah, I feel light.

I feel good.

- It was finally time
for everyone to saddle up,

so the ride could begin.

Great.

And I watched as,
for the first time in history,

a plus-sized man
was able to ride a horse.

With my branch blockers
trailing close behind

and the flying scarecrow
overhead,

I felt that we were ready
for anything

Mother Nature could throw at us.

♪

And it wasn't long

until my balloon protection
system was put to the test

as my branch-blocking team
raced into position

to guide Heath
through a narrow clearing...

- You're good to go.

- And all we could do now
was pray.

♪

The system worked flawlessly,

and for the rest of the trail,
tree after tree,

my team was able to keep
the delicate balloons intact,

making the ride a success.

♪

And as the evening fog rolled
in over the Malibu Hills,

I couldn't help but feel
like it might just be

the white breath of God,

opening his mouth to say,
"Nice work."

So I met up with Joy
to congratulate her

on making history.

It's a big moment, right?

- I guess, yeah.

- Because of you,
overweight people

all over the world
can now ride horseys.

I mean, this is how you'll
be remembered when you die.

- I'm not sure about that one,

but I hope I'm remembered

for the World Championships
that I won,

to be honest with you,
not for doing these balloons.

- You should be proud
of this achievement, Joy.

- I am extremely proud
of this achievement.

- This is a good thing
to be remembered by.

- Well, you know,
there are a lot of things that...

and my... that I...
that I hope to be known for,

especially horses and maybe,
you know, for my dogs,

and, you know,
I did photography too, and...

- No offense, I don't think

anyone's gonna remember you
for that.

- Hard to say.

- Well, a legacy isn't always
something you get to choose,

and I truly believe that this,
and only this,

will be your legacy.

And there is nothing more
to discuss about it.

- If you're a regular viewer
of the show,

you've probably noticed that
I have a keen sense of style

that's both professional
and approachable.

But I recently discovered
that by wearing

one of my signature articles
of clothing,

I may have unintentionally
committed a hate crime

against the Jewish people.

And that's not good.

My favorite jacket
for the last decade

has been a windbreaker
made by Taiga,

a popular outerwear company
based out of my hometown

of Vancouver, BC.

I love the jacket so much

that I've worn it in nearly
every episode of my show,

so you can imagine my horror

when I recently discovered
that Taiga

had published a tribute
to notorious Holocaust denier

Doug Collins
in their winter catalog

amongst a selection
of fleece socks and balaclavas.

When asked for comment
by a Jewish newspaper,

the company refused
to explain their actions.

My dad,
who is also a longtime fan

of the German-engineered
windbreaker,

was actually shamed
by a member of his synagogue

for wearing the coat.

- I think he wanted me
to rip the Taiga label off.

He was really quite incensed.

- And he had strong feelings
about me wearing it on TV.

- I don't think
you should promote a business

that's anti-Semitic.

- It was clear I could never
wear my Taiga jacket again,

but in searching
for a replacement,

I realized I couldn't be sure
any of these other brands

weren't hiding dark secrets
as well,

so I decided
the only way to be safe

was to start a jacket company
of my own.

So, after coming up
with a cool name,

Summit Ice, I had
a custom softshell jacket

designed to my specifications.

To undo the damage I'd done,

I needed my brand
to stand for something,

so I created a website
to help launch Summit Ice

as the first outdoor apparel
company to openly promote

the true story of the Holocaust.

It was important to me

that every single person
involved in the brand,

down to the model I hired
for product shots,

shared in
the company's core beliefs.

6 million Jews died
in the Holocaust, approximately.

- Okay.

- So how many Jews died, then,
in the Holocaust?

- 6 million.
- Okay. Great.

- Cool.
- Let's sell some jackets.

- Okay.

- With a team
free of Holocaust deniers

and professional photos

that made the jacket
look really cool,

I had nearly everything
I needed to begin marketing

my softshell jackets
to the world.

But for this brand
to have credibility,

I'd need the support
of a Jewish leader.

So I arranged a meeting with
L.A.-based rabbi Shalom Denbo

and showed him my business plan
and marketing materials

to get his guidance
on how to convey

the core values of Summit Ice.

- See, "deny nothing," okay,

you're not focusing
on something specific.

- "Deny nothing"
is too ambiguous?

- Yeah, you probably
want to have some image

that immediately
focuses the viewer on,

"There's something more
than just a jacket."

Perhaps an image that
immediately identifies

with the Holocaust.

An armband.
- Right.

- A swastika.

- They should see images
of that?

- Yeah, the ovens,
the... the gas chambers,

the pits where they
lined them up to shoot them

before the gas chambers.

- But we're trying to sell
jackets too, right?

- Yeah.

You need to see images to know,

you can't go through life
with your head in the sand.

These things are real.
They happen.

- Rabbi Denbo suggested
having some sort

of physical retail display
that could include

educational materials
for consumers,

so I reached out
to a local outdoor store

whose manager seemed interested
in carrying our brand.

Just so you know, uh,

our company's a strong supporter
of, uh,

Holocaust awareness education.

- Oh, neat, I didn't know that.
That's cool.

- Just wanted to make sure
it's something

you're comfortable with,
cool with.

- Oh, for sure, yeah.
- All right. Cool.

- Yeah. Absolutely.

- With the manager intrigued,
we set up a time

for him to see our display
later that week.

So we'll check back
with this in a bit.

But first:
Susan Kim is the owner

of Elizabeth Albert,
a boutique that sells

some of the top women's
fashions on the Burbank strip.

But lately, she's noticed
that sales have taken a dip.

- People are buying less,

or they're really tightening
their belt.

- It could be because,
in a neighborhood

populated largely
by young couples,

Susan was forgetting
all about the men.

So I paid her a visit with a way

to keep couples happy
in her store.

To be honest with you, as a guy,

this store is pretty boring.

- 'Cause it's a women's store.

- Exactly.
- Yeah.

- So, if I came in here
with my girlfriend,

hypothetically speaking...
- Mm-hmm.

- I don't have a...
have a girlfriend...

um, but...

you know, I think
I'd be nagging her to leave.

- 'Cause men
don't like to spend time

in a women's clothing store
anyway.

- Until now.

You see,
when a guy has nothing to do,

the woman he's with
feels a psychological pressure

to leave,
which will often keep her

from staying longer
and buying more stuff.

A dedicated Man Zone
where guys can chill and relax

while the women shop.

- That's...
sure, that makes sense.

- I mean, trust me, I know guys.

All we need
is a beer in our hand

and a bro by our side,
and we are out of the way.

- I never...
I've, in fact, never heard

any guy saying that.

"If I had a brew
and a bro, I'm fine."

- I totally hear you,
but leave it to me

for the guy stuff.

Trust me.

- Okay.

- Susan was on board,
and we decided

that her back storage area
would be the perfect spot

for the new Man Zone.

So the next day,
I had my team bring in

all the essentials
to make this room

the ultimate hangout den
for guys.

And once everything
was in its place,

all we had to do was wait
for the first couple to come in

to see if my Man Zone
would work.

Just so you guys know,

Elizabeth Albert has
a dedicated Man Zone,

so that means
while the lady shops,

you have a place
you can hang out

that's both comfortable
and geared

towards your masculine needs.

So, if you wanna
come hang out there

and let...
give her time to shop...

You want?
It's up to you.

- You do that, okay?
- Yeah.

- Don't leave this, uh,
bro hangin', dawg.

- You know what I mean?
- Yeah.

- Great, and we'll be having fun
in there,

so take as much time
as you need.

- All right, thank you.
- Yeah, no problem.

I knew it wouldn't be
too much of a challenge

to lure guys into the Zone,

and once they saw it had
everything a guy could want,

I was hopeful
they wouldn't want to leave.

Free at last, free at last, huh?

I mean, do you feel free?

- Yeah.

- Things were off
to a good start.

The guy's girlfriend
was leisurely shopping,

while back in the Zone...

You know what I feel like?

A mother-effin' beer.

It was just boys being boys...

Nice catch.

Just two dudes doing
what guys do best...

Crack that shit.

Hanging out, grabbing a brewski,

and watching
royalty-free football.

Oh, yeah.

Tampa Bay Bandits
versus Houston Gamblers.

Enjoy.

Big tackle coming.

There we go.

I thought
he was having a good time,

but then,
something bad happened.

- I'ma go.
I'ma head out.

- Okay.

The guy decided
to leave the Zone

and go back to his girlfriend
after only four minutes.

And even worse, moments later,
they left the shop entirely.

This was not
what I had promised Susan.

I worried that if I lost
another guy that quickly,

there would be
no winning her back.

So when the next couple came in,

I had to somehow
figure out a way

to keep the guy
chilling for longer,

or else my Man Zone
didn't stand a chance.

- You know what I feel like?

- Oh, yeah?
- A mother-effin' beer.

Oop. Sorry.

Just meant to do a little move.

- Okay. Oh, cool.
- There you go, man.

- I appreciate it, bro.
- Enjoy.

So far, things were working out
with my second guy...

- That's not good.

- Gotta let it set.

As he was relaxed
and enjoying his beer.

But when I put on
football again,

for some reason,
this guy wasn't into it either.

Great touchdown celebration
coming up.

Love that celebration.

Just a few minutes in, I could
tell I was losing him quick.

And with his girlfriend
just starting to shop,

I desperately needed
to turn things around.

But that's when I realized
I hadn't yet bro'd down

about the one thing
that's on every guy's mind.

You know what I like
more than anything?

- What?
- Sex.

- Se... oh, yeah.
Hell yeah, man.

You can never get
too much sex, man.

- Yeah, exactly.
- Never too much sex, bro.

Oh, yeah.
- Definitely, definitely.

- Oh, yeah.
Mm-hmm.

- What's your favorite,
uh, posish?

- From the back.
- Hmm?

- From the back, yeah.
From behind, yeah.

- Oh, nice.
- Straight damage, bro.

- Mine's missionary.
- Missionary?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Guy on top,
girl on the bottom.

- There you go.
Nothing's wrong with that, man.

Nothing's wrong with that.

- The sex talk was working,

and the guy was loving
every minute of it.

Bareback or use a condom?

- Oh, bareback, man.
I love the feeling.

- Only way.
- All the way, bro.

- Only way.
- Only way.

- It feels much... so much better
without a condom,

you know what I mean?

- Aw, hell, definitely, dude.

- It's like so much stuff
these days, it's like,

"Oh, you gotta use protection,"
all this stuff.

- Absolutely, absolutely.
- But, like, whatever.

You pull out,
you're fine, right?

- Absolute...
as long as you pull out, man.

- As long as you pull out.
- That's the key.

- Gotta pull out.
- Have to pull out, bro.

You have to.
- Sometimes I get close.

You know what I mean?
- Oh, yeah, like, "Whoo!"

Almost got me right there!
- Sometimes I get real close!

Yeah!

- Exactly, bro.
- Yeah.

I did it.

As long as we were talking
about sex,

this guy wasn't going anywhere,
and best of all,

his girlfriend
had time to browse

every section of the store
without interruption.

- From behind, that's...
that's pretty much...

I just like to see everything,
man, you know.

You can't...
can't go wrong with that.

- The guy stayed in the Man Zone

for a full 17 minutes
before leaving,

and victory had never tasted
so sweet.

- Drinking a beer.

- Yeah!

- And even though women

may never really understand
what guys need...

- Why are you drinking beer?

- Well, that's what guys do
when they're alone.

- I don't care what they do
when they're alone.

She left because he was
in there drinking beer.

- The only thing
that really mattered

is that Elizabeth Albert
now had a place

where guys could be themselves.

- There have been times
in my life

when I was able to ejaculate
in another position,

but especially as I've gotten
older and fatter,

it's pretty much the only
position that works for me.

- That makes sense.

- The day had finally arrived

to pitch Summit Ice
to the manager of Adventure 16,

so I had my team come in early
to set up an impressive display

under the supervision
of Rabbi Denbo.

I was a little hesitant about
some of the design elements,

but it was crucial that
I follow the rabbi's guidance

for such a sensitive
subject matter.

- And the mannequins
kinda stationed

so that they are the bookends.

- Right.

And before long, he felt like
it was ready to be unveiled.

- Definitely makes a statement.

- Yeah, definitely.
- Definitely makes a statement.

- Okay, I mean, I'm... I want
to follow your lead on this.

- Yeah,
my only thing is just that

that creates just a level
of uncomfort within me,

and perhaps that's a good thing.

- So with the rabbi's blessing,

it was time to bring in
Eric the manager

to show him what Summit Ice
was all about.

- Um...

A little bit much for a...

I think that this mash-up

of retail and history,

it is a train wreck.

I... I, um...

- Eric wasn't nearly
as enthused as I had hoped,

so I brought in Rabbi Denbo

to help explain our intentions
more clearly.

- Look, people go through life
with their head in the sand.

Nobody wants to stand up
against evil.

And you know what?

People deny the Holocaust

because they don't want to say
that evil exists.

And we need to let people
know that.

- Oh, my God,
this is so riddled with issues.

You really think
the Holocaust deniers

are the big softshell buyers?

- The proceeds go to support
Holocaust awareness education.

- This is a retail store,
and you don't learn

about the darkest moments
of history in a retail store.

- I beg to differ.

The Gap had a whole campaign

to make people aware
of breast cancer,

so I don't think
there's a problem in...

- It was actually AIDS.

- AIDS, sorry, thank you.
- The RED campaign.

- I have no faith in your
competence in this business.

I have no faith
in your judgment whatsoever.

The only thing I know
about your judgment

is that it's... doesn't exist.

- Well, I was...
I was kinda taking his lead.

- Um... well...

I'll let you get away
with a certain amount

of liberty in saying my lead,

but the idea
wasn't mine, Nathan.

- Well, not for the jacket...
- The idea was yours.

- But for the display.
- No... for the display.

The display... I don't have
a problem with the display.

- Our sales presentation
didn't go well,

and Eric said
he wasn't interested

in carrying my product.

- Find something else
to do with your life,

because you're not good at this,

and you do not understand
the dynamics

of people's emotions
and what offends them.

- It was a huge blow,
and I began to wonder

if my line of softshell jackets
would ever take off.

But at least I could be proud

knowing that the people
who matter to me most

could now walk the streets
of Vancouver

with their heads held high.

- Summit Ice!

- What do you think, huh?

- I love everything about it.

A lot of zippers.

Zippers are
very important to me.

Yeah, 'cause all my change
falls out,

and, you know,
I need stuff in there.

Yeah, look at this, you can
loosen the sleeves too, or...

- ♪ This is day one

♪ Turn the music on

♪ Hear the drummers drum

♪ Reach up good and high

♪ So alive

♪ This is day one, one, one

♪ This is day one,
one, one ♪

- Summit Ice.
Deny nothing.