Nathan for You (2013–…): Season 2, Episode 6 - Dating Service; Party Planner - full transcript

My name is Nathan Fielder,

and I graduated from one
of Canada's top business schools

with really good grades.

Now I'm using my knowledge

to help struggling
small business owners make it

in this competitive world.

This is Nathan for You.

Women make up
some of the prettiest humans

in the world,

and for online dating websites
like Dating DNA

those long-haired angels
are a prize to be won.



CEO Kevin Carmony admits

that attracting more female
users to his site

is the key to growth.

'cause right now we're
probably 65% men, 35% women.

But to do this you need
a thorough understanding

of how the female brain works.

So I paid Kevin a visit
at his penthouse suite

in Irvine, California,
to share my expertise.

The main reason most women
are afraid to use online dating

is because they think
the person they meet up with

could potentially be a killer
and murder them.

Um, I don't know
that that's a big reason

that women don't sign up
for dating sites.

We haven't had women
contacting us,



"Hey, I met this guy on your
site and he was a creep

and this and that happened."

- We have enough--
- Well, you might not hear

from those women because...

I don't think that is
the-- It's certainly a concern.

The solution
is Daddy's watching.

Okay.

Up until age 18, most women
have a daddy keeping tabs

on any man she goes out with.

But once she gets bigger,
Daddy's no longer around,

but danger still is.

So if Dating DNA offered
a security service

where female users could request
to have someone

secretly watch over
their first dates,

the website would quickly become
the obvious choice

for women
looking to date online

because they know
that Daddy's watching.

Eh...

Seems a little condescending
to me to women

that Daddy has to take care
of you and Daddy's watching--

I-I don't know--

Now before you say anything,
you know,

it might not be good on camera
to say anything bad

about an idea
that makes women safer.

- Yes, but--
- You don't wanna look like

you're not trying
to make women feel safe.

Yeah.
And so that's something

that might-- may make a woman
feel more secure, certainly.

Kevin loved my idea.

But before he could offer it
to his users,

I needed to develop
official guidelines

for how the Daddy's watching
system would work.

So I found a Dating DNA user,
Kamarin,

who agreed to let me
try out the service

on one of her first dates.

So your date
will be arriving soon,

and because we're trying
this out for today,

I'll be your daddy.

Okay.

And we also
have some branding

kinda elements we're trying
to incorporate.

So if you're ever in fear
at any time

during your date, just yell out,

"Daddy, Daddy, come over now.

"Save my life.
You made a vow."

Sounds good?

So do you want
to practice that or--

What would happen
if I just yelled, "Help"?

Like, what's the significance
in me--

Well, if I just hear, "Help,"
you know, that could be anyone.

But the Daddy rhyme,
I know it's you.

Cool.

- All right.
- All right.

Thank you, Nate.

- Nathan.
- Nathan.

- Yeah, you can call me Nate.
- All right.

All right.

- Whatever.
- Thank you.

- Either way...
- All right.

It's casual.

With Kamarin prepped,
I got into position

out front of her building.

And knowing
what her date looked like,

I had a method to covertly
vet him before he picked her up.

Hey, man, could you do me
a favor?

I'm just moving
out of my building.

Would you be able
to take a photo of me

in front of my building?

Um, yeah.

- Is that cool?
- Yeah.

Oh, I guess
I packed my camera.

I thought I had it on me.

Do you happen to have like
a knife, or any weapon,

anything sharp
I could open the box with...

- I can do it with a key.
- Gun or--

Oh, key?
Okay.

Where you headed?

Oh, really?

Cool, thanks.

Yeah, women, huh?

Sometimes you wanna kiss 'em,
other times

you just wanna
wring their necks,

you know what I mean?

You feel that way?

Like sometimes
you wanna kiss 'em,

other times you wanna
wring their necks.

You wouldn't?

But sometimes, you know,

when a girl says no
she really means yes, right?

Yeah?

You're not a sex offender
or anything?

Okay.

All right, yeah.
Have a good day.

Cody seemed okay at first

but just to be safe,

I preserved his fingerprints
from the camera

so I could give them
to the authorities

in case things took a turn
for the worse.

Moments later, they left for
their date at the bowling alley,

and I was sure
to follow close behind.

Once they arrived,

they started their game
and got to know each other.

Where are you from?

I'm originally from Anaheim.

I live in Westwood now.

And from a distance,

it looked as though things
were off to a good start.

But in case something
were to happen,

I had a method that allowed me
to be right next to them,

and completely invisible
at the same time.

Disguised as a female bowler
in religious garb,

I was able to be within earshot
of Kamarin and her date.

Ready to split things up
if his strike celebrations

got a little too touchy.

Fortunately,
that wasn't required.

Cody seemed
like a genuinely good guy,

and I could tell Kamarin
felt safe

As she really began to open up.

If two planes
brought down the two towers...

Uh-huh?

I could see
that as being feasible.

Okay.

But what brought down
building number seven?

Building seven.

My method was working
perfectly,

and after Cody
returned her home unharmed,

I went inside to see
if Kamarin felt as good as I did

about the service.

Do you feel like you felt safe

- and everything?
- Yeah. Feel pretty secure.

You didn't know it was me,
right?

No.
Not at all.

Yeah, so...

That shows that I guess
it worked pretty well.

Yeah.

The Daddy's watching system
was a total success.

But for it to work
with Dating DNA

I'd need to build a staff
of trained daddies

who'd be as trustworthy as I am.

So I put up some fliers
that offered security work.

And the next day,

I met with the one guy
who responded to my ad.

What would you do
in this scenario?

You're protecting the woman
and the guy tries to kiss her.

- I'm gonna drop him.
- What does that--

If I do it hard enough,
right here,

and right in the glands
for your windpipe,

I push hard enough to--
like this.

For about thirt--
For about three seconds-- four,

I can put you out.

- Cool.
- Or back here, right here.

Underneath the lobe.

But you have to go like that

back here by the lobe
to get it.

You know, it puts you out
for about 30 seconds.

This one here puts you out
for about a minute.

So you know lots of moves.

I know a couple, yeah.

Mark seemed qualified
for the job,

but I still needed
to see him in action.

So I arranged the service for
another Dating DNA user,

and brought Mark with me
to her home

to see if he could handle
his first real job as a daddy.

How you doing, Polly?

Good, thank you.

- So Mark will be your daddy.
- Okay.

And he will be following you

and watching you
from a distance.

So just so you know,

we've given Mark
all your personal information.

Your address, your name,
photographs, your social.

So if you go missing,
he knows how to track you down.

Okay.

All right, so, yeah.

- Have a fun night, and uh, yeah.
- Thank you.

I've watched people before,
so... Never had a problem.

Okay.

I'm gonna protect you,
watch you all the time.

Make sure-- I won't keep my eyes
off you at all.

I'll protect you,
make sure you get home.

And I will tuck you in bed.

I'm just gonna tuck you in bed,
and I'm gone.

And make it clear
that I come tuck you in.

Okay.

Mark made Polly feel safe,

and that meant
I could now return to Kevin

and give him everything
he needed

to implement the Daddy's
watching system nationwide.

It felt so good to help
a struggling business.

But I left that day knowing

that I also helped make
the world a safer place.

Hey, I just--
I moved away from here.

If you don't mind--
you give me a couple seconds.

I just wanted--take a picture
'cause I moved.

Oh, um,
I don't have a camera.

Camera's in here.

Sorry?

Okay.
No, no, no, no, no, no.

- No, come here.
- Oh, it's fine.

Stay right here.
No, come here.

Whoop.

I assume most
of you are impressed

by how much I accomplish
every week on my show.

Which is why
I get so many people asking me

how I stay so productive.

Well, the secret is finding
that one thing

that motivates you more
than anything else.

And for me that thing
is fear of embarrassment.

When I need to stay motivated
to complete a task,

such as writing
my first screenplay--

a passion project
I've been working on--

I'll often set up a camera
and take a photo of myself

in an embarrassing position,

like posing as the meat
in a human hot dog.

I'll then print out the photo
and place it in an envelope

addressed to my grandma,

someone who I'd never
want to see me this way.

Next, I'll hand-deliver
the shameful photo

to a nearby notary
who I instruct to mail it out

if, and only if, I don't show
proof of my completed screenplay

in two weeks time.

With the real pressure
of disappointing my grandma

upon me, my ability to focus
on my work goes way up.

And I find I'm able to complete
my goals in record time.

Then all it takes is presenting
my completed work to the notary

to reclaim my letter.

Thank you so much.

It's been surprisingly effective
in motivating me,

and I wondered if this technique
could help others as well.

So I put an ad on Craigslist
seeking people

who are trying to lose weight--

something a lot of Americans
struggle with--

and I got several responses
from people

who claim
to have tried everything.

I've got
horrible eating habits.

So I lose weight then gain
weight, lose weight--

It's hard for me
to even find a diet

that's something
that I would stick to.

So it was time to see
if fear of embarrassment

could work for them.

Who's someone in your life

you wouldn't want
to look bad in front of?

I guess my kids.

What's something
that you think

you wouldn't want them to see?

That I...

was having an affair
or something

and was going to leave
their mom.

So what would be the photo?

If that were the line
I was going down,

it'd probably have to be like
me in bed with another woman

that wasn't my wife.

Fred decided the best
motivator for him to lose weight

would be a photo
of him having an affair.

So I had him pose in a bed
with a model I hired

and took a photo to make it look
like he was caught cheating

on his wife.

Then I put it in an envelope
addressed to his children

that would be sent out
if he didn't shed 5 pounds

over the next two weeks.

I tailored similar motivators

for each of the other
participants.

Gina, a schoolteacher, agreed

that a letter to her principal
that reads,

"I'm a little baby
and I love to pee and poo,"

accompanied by a photo of her
giving two middle fingers,

would be sufficient incentive
for her to drop those pounds.

Trici, a legal assistant,

decided that addressing
an embarrassing photo

to one of the lawyers
at her firm would help her out.

And George,
a retired war veteran,

thought my approach
would actually work for him.

I like that situation.

- You would do this?
- I would do that.

- Absolutely.
- Really?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

Well, do you want me
to get the costume?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

Let's do it.

And after getting George
dressed up as the human hot dog,

I snapped his photo...

Okay, look over here.

then printed out a copy for him
to address to his mother,

someone he didn't want to
embarrass himself in front of.

That would wake her up, yeah.
Definitely.

And after weighing
each of them in,

I gave them two weeks
to lose 5 pounds.

So we'll check in later
to see how they did.

But first...

Veronique Assouline
is one of Beverly Hills'

premiere party planners.

And she has big hopes of taking
her company,

Veronique Events,
to the next level.

My wish is to be
a bigger company

with a lot of artistic directors
and, you know, a whole crew.

But to do this, she's going
to need something

that makes her different
than everyone else.

So I paid Veronique a visit
to see if I could help.

Hey.

Oh, jeez--

When someone's having a party,

the biggest stress comes
from who to invite.

- Absolutely.
- I mean, sometimes

There are just people
you don't want to invite.

Yes.

But you don't want them
to know you didn't invite them

Because then they'll hate you.

But you don't want them to know
that you don't like them.

- Right?
- Yeah. But the thing is,

you have to make choices.

But maybe you don't.

These days, most party
invitations are sent

as a digital invite
through email.

So if it was possible to develop
a technology that could send

certain people's invites
directly to their spam folder,

Veronique's clients could invite
everyone they know to a party,

while guaranteeing their
undesired guest won't show up.

And if confronted after
the event by that guest,

they could simply say,

"I did invite you.
Did you check your spam?"

That is a ga--
great trick.

I mean, as the only party
planner to provide this service,

you would get everyone wanting
you to plan their party.

You know,
I want to see how it works.

I would love
to have this information.

And then if I have the use, yes.
Why not using it?

Before Veronique could offer
this service to her clients,

I'd first need to create
the technology to make it work.

So I hired a software engineer
named Chris,

who built me a custom invitation
system to execute my idea.

All right, so this is
the invitation form.

- Right.
- And then on this side

you enter the emails
with your desired guests

and your undesired guests.

So the emails in here
go where?

The desired guests emails
will be sent to the inbox.

But with the undesired guests

I just put a whole bunch
of spam words in that email,

sent it through a foreign server
that was located in russia.

- So that makes it go to spam--
- Yeah.

So that makes it go to spam.

And what words did you use?

Um, I used "Viagra", "penis",
"penis enlargements",

I put everything from
1-inch penis all the way

to 10-inch penis.

Why 1-inch penis?

Uh, because it's just more
to put in there.

'cause I've seen spam
for like, 8-inch penis,

- 9--
- Yeah.

But I've never seen someone--
a spam email say, like,

"Do you want a 1-inch penis?"

But yeah.

It seems like you did
a good job.

Yeah.

Chris sent a test invite
to my email

and it seemed to work great

with the hidden keywords
directing it

straight to my spam folder.

There it is.

So the next day, I returned
to Veronique to show her

what I had developed.

Oh!

Oh, sorry, sorry.
Jesus Christ.

The program will add hidden
words to those emails

that will make them go
directly to spam.

- Oh.
- There's "penis", "rolex"--

I mean the idea is--

- Uh, "penis enlargement"...
- Oh.

"Viagra", "8-inch penis",
"9-inch penis",

"10-inch penis",

- "11-inch penis"...
- Good.

"Viagra penis"--

I mean, I don't need to know
exactly--

Is it important for me to know
all this information?

If any of your clients ask,
you should know.

No,
nobody would be interested.

Well, some people
might want to know how it works.

It's interesting science.

Veronique was impressed.

But in order to show her
the psychological impact

my system would have,

I decided to throw
a small party at my place

and put someone that I know
on the undesired guest list.

For this, I chose Salomon,
who works on my show,

because I knew it
would hurt his feelings

if he found out
he wasn't invited.

So after sending the invites,

I headed home to prepare
for my party.

My plan was to take photos
of the event,

and then post them online

so Salomon would see he missed
out on a really fun party.

Unfortunately, the few desired
guests I invited said

they couldn't make it
on such short notice.

But I still felt
Veronique and I

were enough to have a party.

Do you... speak French,

Or is it
just the accent you do?

No, I speak French.

Oh, okay.

And I don't want to be rude,

but I really have to leave
soon so...

With Veronique
on the verge of leaving,

I was hopeful the entertainment
I hired

would turn things around--

a professional Bill Gates
impersonator

who I'd worked with in the past.

It's really great to be here.

There's nothing like a party.

You know, uh...

You work hard all your life,

especially trying to get
Microsoft working.

I mean, Microsoft.

What would we have done
without it?

In the office days-- older office
days, in the '80s,

you had big computers
in a room.

I mean, enormous.

And look at the technology now.

It takes a inventive mind

To run and invent...
this Microsoft.

And I'm very happy.

After Bill's performance
the party had reached its peak,

so the only thing left to do was
take some photos of the event

before Veronique had to go.

And after an hour of getting to
know the man behind Bill Gates--

Why were you circumcised twice?

Well, the first time, um...

there was a problem
with the foreskin.

I wrapped things up,

and the next day, I posted
my party pics on Facebook,

where I was sure Salomon
would see them.

With everything in place,

It was now time to test
the impact of my idea.

So I brought Veronique
into the office

for her to see
it all unfold.

Why didn't you come?

Uh, didn't know about it.

Oh, really?

Yeah, I didn't know about it.

I invited you.

I didn't see the...

You check your spam?

I'm gonna check right now.

- Yeah, it went to, uh, spam.
- Oh...

That's too bad.

Did you think for a sec
that I didn't invite you or--

- Yeah, I thought. Yes.
- You thought

- I didn't invite you.
- Yes.

- But really...
- It was the email's fault.

It was the email's fault,
yeah.

All right.
Cool.

Well, catch you later then.

Okay.

Huh?

- Good.
- Pretty good, huh?

Yep.

So he thought at first
I didn't like him.

- Yeah.
- But then he realized,

"Oh, it was just
the email's fault."

- Yeah.
- And he didn't come

- to the party.
- Yeah.

So you going to use it or...

I mean, let me check first,
on a few--

You saw his reaction, right?

- Yeah, the reaction--I mean--
- Pretty good.

The reaction was what you
expect on paper but, um...

Yes, exactly.
Yeah.

Thank you very much.

Oh, did you want
a hug or anything or...

- No, it's okay, I'm good.
- Okay.

- Thank you very much
- I'll see you later.

Bye.

It's been two weeks since
Gina, Trici, Fred and George

committed to losing weight using
fear of embarrassment.

So it was finally time
to come back to the office

to see if they each met their
goal of losing 5 pounds.

Before, Fred, you were 270.

Now you're 257.

You lost 13 pounds.

Wow.

I don't believe it.
That's wild.

I was blown away.

My method seemed to help
everyone meet their goal,

except for one person.

Oh, my God.

Traci was a pound shy
of the 5 we agreed upon.

I thought I lost it.

And that meant I had to uphold
my end of the bargain,

and send her embarrassing photo
to an attorney

at the law firm she worked at.

My God.

So the next day,
I met Trici at her office

to give her emotional support

as she hand-delivered her letter

to one of the firm's
founding partners.

I wanna introduce you
to a friend of mine.

- This is Nathan.
- Hi, Nathan.

- Hi.
- Good to see you.

- This is Michael.
- Good to meet you.

The attorney that works
in our office, in our firm.

What's your relationship
with-- with her?

Well, Trici's been involved

in a new type of
weight loss program.

Oh.

Unfortunately,
she didn't meet her recent goal,

and she has something
that she needs to show you.

But before she does,
I just want you to promise me

that you won't pass any judgment
on her.

Oh, yeah.
Okay.

- So Trici, did you want to...
- Yes.

You want me to show him?

Well, it's your thing.
It's not me.

- This is it.
- Okay.

Wow.
Wow.

- I see what you mean.
- This--

Uh, okay.
Um...

Well, let me say this.

- To submit something like this...
- Mm-hmm.

to a Jewish member
of the firm--

a long-standing member here
for 35 years--

is very hard for me
to think kindly of you

or to give you
the benefit of the doubt.

At first, Michael
didn't seem to get it.

But after some explaining,

he could finally accept
Trici's approach.

It's a tactic to get me
to lose weight,

to help me to motivate me
to lose weight.

Anyone that did hate Jews

wouldn't care about that photo
being sent out.

So you're saying
these are not your sentiments?

Sir, clearly, I'm letting
you know I do not hate Jews.

- Okay.
- And I'm sorry if I came...

She really--

under the wrong pretenses
to you--

Okay.
If it's for weight loss

And she explained it clearly,
like she did a few minutes ago--

- Mm-hmm.
- then I would accept it.

It's a motivator.