Nathan for You (2013–…): Season 1, Episode 8 - Private Investigator/Taxi Company - full transcript

- MY NAME IS
NATHAN FIELDER,

AND I GRADUATED FROM ONE
OF CANADA'S TOP BUSINESS SCHOOLS

WITH REALLY GOOD GRADES.

NOW, I'M USING
MY KNOWLEDGE

TO HELP STRUGGLING
SMALL BUSINESS OWNERS

MAKE IT
IN THIS COMPETITIVE WORLD.

[epic orchestration]

♪

- BRIAN WOLFE CLAIMS TO BE
THE BEST PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR

IN THE LOS ANGELES AREA.

- YOU KNOW
WHAT I MEAN?



YOU KEEP PEOPLE HAPPY,
THEY'RE GONNA KEEP--

YOU'RE GONNA--
THEY'RE GONNA COME BACK.

- I'D LOVE TO TAKE HIM
AT HIS WORD,

BUT WHEN I LOOKED HIM UP
ON YELP,

HE HAD ZERO REVIEWS,
AND THAT'S NOT GOOD.

SO I PAID HIM A VISIT
WITH A PLAN TO CHANGE THAT.

WHEN DID YOU FIRST KNOW
THAT YOU LIKED TO SNOOP?

- [laughs]
SNOOP.

NO, IT'S NOT REALLY SNOOPING.
I MEAN, IT'S JUST--

- WELL, IT IS.
- IT'S NOT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
IT'S OBSERVING.

WE CALL IT "OBSERVING."

- WELL, HERE'S THE THING.

I LOOKED YOU UP ON YELP,
AND YOU HAVE ZERO REVIEWS.



- ZERO REVIEWS.
WELL, WHAT A NAME, "YELP."

- YELP'S A WEB SITE
WHERE PEOPLE LOOK--

- YOU LOOK ME UP
ON GOOGLE, YOU--

LOOK UP
"WOLFE INVESTIGATIONS."

- WHAT ABOUT YELP?

- OKAY, YOU KEEP ON GOING ON
ABOUT YELP.

WHY DO I CARE
ABOUT YELP?

SERIOUSLY, NO, LET'S JUST THINK
ABOUT THIS FOR ONE SECOND.

OKAY?

BEEN IN BUSINESS
FOR 24 YEARS.

WHY DO I CARE IF YELP
HAS A REVIEW ABOUT ME?

DO YOU THINK I REALLY CARE
ABOUT YELP?

I DON'T GIVE A [bleep]
ABOUT YELP.

- THE PLAN:
GIVE WOLFE'S INVESTIGATIONS

THEIR FIRST FIVE-STAR
YELP REVIEW.

- YOU'RE [bleep] KIDDING ME.

- ARE YOU DONE HAVING
YOUR TANTRUM?

- LOOK, I'M SITTING DOWN.
I'M RELAXED.

- JUST LISTEN.

I CAN'T JUST GIVE YOU
A REVIEW

WITHOUT KNOWING
HOW GOOD YOU ARE...

- OKAY.

- SO I'M GONNA HIRE YOU
TO TRACK A PERSON.

- OKAY.

- I'M GONNA GIVE YOU
24 HOURS

TO TRACK
MY WHEREABOUTS,

AND IF YOU DO A GOOD JOB
AT THAT,

I'LL GIVE YOU
A FIVE-STAR REVIEW.

- EASY.
- EASY?

- EASY.
- ALL RIGHT.

- OKAY.
- READY?

- READY?
- SET?

- GO.

- GIVE ME SOME--
GIVE ME A CHANCE

TO GET A LITTLE BIT
OF A HEAD START.

- OKAY.

IT'S TOO MUCH.

- A CLASSIC GAME
OF CAT AND MOUSE.

IF BRIAN WAS AS GOOD
AS HE SAYS HE IS,

HE WAS PROBABLY TWO STEPS
AHEAD OF ME ALREADY.

BUT, LUCKILY,
I HAD A PLAN.

IF BRIAN WANTED A GOOD REVIEW
FROM ME,

IT WASN'T
GONNA BE EASY.

IT'S ONE THING FOR BRIAN
TO TRACK ONE OF ME,

BUT LET'S SEE HOW HE DOES
WITH NINE OF ME.

PRIOR TO VISITING BRIAN,
I HIRED EIGHT ACTORS

THAT LOOKED IDENTICAL
TO ME,

AND HAD THEM READY AND WAITING
IN A NEARBY HOTEL ROOM

TO BE
MY DECOYS.

YOU GUYS HAVE ONE JOB,
WHICH IS TO BE ME, RIGHT?

all: RIGHT.
- SO LOOK HOW I'M STANDING.

LOOK AT MY POSTURE.
LISTEN TO HOW I'M TALKING.

YOU GOT THAT?
all: ALL RIGHT.

both: GOT IT.

- I HAVE A BIT
OF A JAW THING,

SO SOMETIMES,
I'LL GO LIKE THIS TO MY JAW.

IF BRIAN WAS WATCHING
THE HOTEL,

THIS WAS MY FIRST CHANCE
TO THROW HIM OFF...

BUT I KNEW
WHETHER HE WAS THERE OR NOT,

THE NEXT PLACE HE'D LOOK
IS MY HOUSE.

- MY UNDERSTANDING
IS THAT NATHAN'S AT HOME.

SO THAT'S WHERE WE'RE HEADED
RIGHT NOW.

- SO I KEPT THE BEST BODY DOUBLE
BACK AT THE HOTEL

TO PREPARE HIM TO GO
TO MY HOME AS ME.

SO WHEN YOU'RE THERE,
YOU KNOW,

YOU NEED
TO BE LIKE ME.

- OKAY.

- SO THERE'S A BUNCH OF DISHES
IN THE SINK.

SO YOU CAN
DO THOSE.

UM, THERE'S ALSO LAUNDRY,

SO YOU COULD DO THAT.

UM, AND THE HOUSE NEEDS
TO BE VACUUMED.

- SO YOU WANT ME
TO CLEAN YOUR HOUSE?

- YEAH, STUFF THAT WOULD LOOK
LIKE YOU'RE ME.

- OKAY.

- I GAVE HIM MY KEYS
AND MY ADDRESS,

BUT NOW
I NEEDED HIS.

- IF YOU'RE ME,
THEN WHO'S YOU, RIGHT?

SO I GOTTA BE YOU
WHILE YOU'RE BEING ME.

- WANT MY KEYS?
- GIVE ME--YEAH.

IF YOU THINK
I'M BEING UNREASONABLE,

KEEP IN MIND THAT BRIAN
IS A PROFESSIONAL P.I.

AND HE'D BE ABLE TO SNIFF OUT
ANY INCONSISTENCIES IN MY PLAN.

- DO YOU HAVE
A GIRLFRIEND?

- I HAVE A FIANCEE, YEAH.
- A FIANCEE?

- MM-HMM.
- WHAT'S HER NUMBER?

I NEED TO BE YOU
IF YOU'RE ME,

OR ELSE IT WON'T MAKE
ANY SENSE.

- YOU WANT HER NUMBER?
REALLY?

- UH, YEAH.
- [clears throat]

- CAITLIN, IT WAS?
- YEAH.

- WHEN'S THE WEDDING DATE?
- NEXT YEAR.

WE STILL GOT
TO LOCK DOWN A DATE.

- YOU DON'T HAVE A DATE YET?
- NO.

- OKAY, MAYBE I'LL FIGURE
THAT OUT WITH HER.

UM...
- YOU DO THAT.

- WITH DAN'S WILLINGNESS

TO INCLUDE HIS FIANCEE
IN THE OPERATION,

THE SWITCH WAS
IN FULL EFFECT.

THEN, WE LEFT
AS DISCREETLY AS POSSIBLE

AND GOT
INTO EACH OTHER'S CARS.

MY INITIAL HUNCH
WAS RIGHT.

BRIAN WAS
SECRETLY WATCHING MY HOUSE

FROM AN SUV
ACROSS THE STREET.

HOPEFULLY, MY PLAN TO GET
MY DOUBLE INSIDE WOULD WORK.

- OH, THIS COULD BE
OUR SUBJECT RIGHT NOW.

- LOOK AT THAT.
IT'S NATHAN.

HE'S PARKED ON THE NORTH SIDE
OF THE STREET.

BINGO.

LOOKS LIKE HE'S CARRYING A CASE
OF BEER ON HIS LEFT SHOULDER.

AMAZING.

GOING TO A PARTY TONIGHT.

HE'S WALKING TO THE RESIDENCE
RIGHT NOW,

AND NOW,
HE'S OUT OF VIEW.

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

- THE BEER-ON-SHOULDER TRICK
ACTUALLY FOOLED BRIAN,

BUT, AT THE TIME,
I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.

SO I HEADED
TO DAN'S HOUSE.

AND ON MY WAY,
I MADE A QUICK STOP.

- HI, DO YOU--
DO YOU SELL ANY CONDOMS AT ALL?

- YES, SIR.

- I DIDN'T KNOW
WHAT WAS GONNA HAPPEN

ONCE I GOT
TO DAN'S HOUSE...

- DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING
THAT'S SMALLER?

- BUT I WANTED TO BE PREPARED
FOR EVERYTHING...

- THIS IS THE SMALLEST?
- YES.

- BUT WHEN I ARRIVED,

MY PLAN IMMEDIATELY STARTED
TO CRUMBLE.

- HEY.
both: HI.

- HE LEFT ME A MESSAGE
THAT SOMEONE WAS COMING OVER,

BUT I WASN'T
EXPECTING ALL THIS.

BABE, UM, SO THIS GUY
SHOWED UP,

AND HE KEEPS
CALLING HIMSELF "DAN,"

AND HE BROUGHT ME FLOWERS
AND SOME MALBEC.

- DAN'S FIANCEE
WAS CREEPED OUT BY ME,

AND I DIDN'T KNOW
WHAT TO DO.

- I MEAN, I'D FEEL BETTER
IF YOU, YOU KNOW, LEFT.

AND THEN, WHEN DAN GETS BACK,
YOU CAN COME BACK.

- MY WHOLE PLAN
WAS FALLING APART.

I WAS TIRED, AND I HAD NOTHING
LEFT TO DO BUT GIVE UP.

- NATHAN.
- HEY.

- HOW ARE YOU DOING?

- ALL RIGHT, I GIVE UP.
YOU GOT ME.

YOU'RE PLAYING MIND GAMES.
I CAN'T KEEP UP.

- YOU'RE AN EASY PREY, KID.

- WELL, YOU'RE THE--YOU'RE
A PRO, SO WHAT CAN I SAY?

- THANK YOU.

- DO YOU WANNA GO GRAB A BEER
OR SOMETHING?

I KNOW A GREAT PLACE
DOWN THE BLOCK.

- LET'S DO IT, JUMP IN.
- DO YOU WANNA?

- YEAH, LET'S GO.
COME ON.

- OKAY.

- WHO THE [bleep]
ARE YOU?

- WHAT?
- YOU HEARD WHAT I SAID.

WHO THE [bleep]
ARE YOU?

- I'M NATHAN.
- YOU'RE NOT NATHAN.

- I JUST TALKED TO YOU
THREE SECONDS AGO.

- YOU KNOW WHAT?
ENOUGH SHENANIGANS.

GET THE [bleep] OUT
OF MY TRUCK NOW.

- "I LEARNED AN IMPORTANT LESSON
THAT DAY--

"THAT NO MATTER
WHERE I WAS

OR HOW LONG I STAYED
IN ONE PLACE..."

- WHAT ARE YOU, [bleep]?
GET OUT!

- "I'D ALWAYS BE RUNNING.

"I'D ALWAYS HAVE NO HOME
WHILE BRIAN HUNTED ME DOWN.

"BUT THE MOST IMPORTANT THING
I LEARNED OF ALL

"IS THAT BRIAN S. WOLFE

"IS AN AMAZING
PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR.

"FOUR STARS.

"HE'S A LITTLE TALKATIVE,

SO THAT'S WHERE HE LOST
THE ONE STAR."

- [chuckles]

- "NATHAN F."

THAT'S YOUR REVIEW.

- YOU KNOW WHAT?

THAT'S YOUR OPINION.

TYPICALLY, I GET
FIVE STARS.

- WELL, TYPICALLY,
YOU HAVE NO REVIEWS.

- I DON'T GIVE A FLYING [bleep]
ABOUT YELP, OKAY?

I OUGHT TO DO
A BACKGROUND CHECK ON YOU,

SEE WHAT TYPE OF FELLOW
YOU ARE.

YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE?

YOU REMIND ME
OF THE WIZARD OF LONELINESS

'CAUSE YOU YOUR OWN SELF,
YOUR OWN WIZARD.

THAT'S WHAT YOU ARE.
[laughs]

LOOK AT YOU IN A [bleep]
PINK SHIRT AND EVERYTHING ELSE.

OH, YOU'RE KILLING ME.
YOU--YOU HAVE NO FRIENDS.

THAT'S WHY YOU'RE
THE WIZARD OF LONELINESS.

- EARLIER THIS SEASON,
I FAKED A DATING SHOW

TO HELP ME OVERCOME
MY FEAR OF WOMEN,

AND IT GOT ME THINKING--

MAYBE I COULD USE THIS STRATEGY
TO HELP SOMEONE ELSE.

ONE OF THE GUYS THAT WORKS
ON MY SHOW BEHIND THE SCENES,

SOLOMON, IS A QUIET,
HARD WORKER,

BUT HE REMINDED ME
A LOT OF MYSELF.

AND OVER THE COURSE
OF THE SEASON, WE BONDED.

- WELL, I LIKE
THE MOVIE CLICK.

- WITH ADAM SANDLER?
- YES, WITH ADAM SANDLER.

- THAT'S FUNNY.
- [chuckles]

- WHEN I FOUND OUT HE HAD ISSUES
WITH WOMEN AS WELL...

DO YOU HAVE
A GIRLFRIEND?

- UH, AT THIS TIME, NO.

- I DECIDED TO HELP HIM OUT
BY SETTING HIM UP

ON A BLIND DATE
AS PART OF MY SHOW.

I WANNA SET YOU UP
ON A BLIND DATE.

- THAT--THAT'S GOOD.

- YOU DON'T SEEM THAT EXCITED.
- NO, I-I AM.

- NO, WELL--
SHOW IT ON YOUR FACE, THEN.

- UH, EXCITEMENT?
- YEAH.

- YES, I'M EXCITED!

- OH, GREAT.
YOU LOOK EXCITED.

- YES, YES, I AM.
- GREAT.

- BUT WHEN I PITCHED THE IDEA
TO COMEDY CENTRAL,

ALL THEY SAW WAS AN OPPORTUNITY
TO CASH IN.

- THERE'S A CATCH.
- WHAT'S THE CATCH?

- ONE OF THE SPONSORS
OF THE SHOW IS QUIZNOS.

UM, THIS ISN'T
A JOKE,

BUT THEY ARE MAKING US
DO THIS

AT ONE
OF THEIR RESTAURANTS.

- OKAY.

- SO WOULD YOU BE WILLING
TO DO YOUR DATE

AT A QUIZNOS?

- [stammers]
IT'S OKAY.

THE QUIZNOS
IS GOOD.

- SOLOMON TOOK
THE NEWS WELL,

AND EVEN THOUGH
I WASN'T THRILLED

WITH HAVING PRODUCT PLACEMENT
IN MY SHOW,

WE'LL SEE SOLOMON'S DATE
IN A BIT.

BUT FIRST,
WHEN I GET INTO A TAXICAB,

ALL I HOPE FOR
IS A NICE, QUIET RIDE...

LEXINGTON
AND WILSHIRE, PLEASE.

BUT THERE REALLY IS NO EASY WAY
TO ASK FOR THAT.

UH, NATHAN.

UM, SORRY,

I DON'T REALLY WANNA HAVE
A CONVERSATION RIGHT NOW.

IT'S ALWAYS BEEN
AN AWKWARD SITUATION FOR ME.

THAT'S WHY I DEVISED
A SOLUTION AND BROUGHT IT

TO STRUGGLING LOS ANGELES
TAXI COMPANY INDEPENDENT CAB,

WHERE I MET WITH PRESIDENT
NETTABI AHMED.

ALL I'M SUGGESTING
IS YOU MAKE IT EASY

FOR THE CUSTOMER
TO DECIDE

IF HE WANTS A CONVERSATION
OR NOT

AND EXACTLY WHAT HE WANTS
TO TALK ABOUT.

- BUT YOU CANNOT
ASK SOMEBODY,

"DO YOU HAVE--DO YOU WANNA HAVE
A CONVERSATION OR NOT?"

- UNTIL NOW.
THE PLAN--

A TOUCH SCREEN SYSTEM
THAT WILL ALLOW THE CUSTOMER

TO DISCREETLY COMMUNICATE
TO THE DRIVER

WHETHER OR NOT
HE WANTS A CONVERSATION.

AND IF HE DOES,
HE'LL ACTUALLY BE ABLE

TO SELECT THE TOPIC
HE WANTS TO TALK ABOUT.

- THE IDEA,
I ACCEPT IT RIGHT NOW,

BUT I NEED
TO TEST IT,

NOT--NOT ONLY
FOR YOUR DOCUMENTARY

OR FOR YOUR MOVIE,
BUT FOR THE BUSINESS ITSELF.

- BEFORE COMMITTING
TO ANYTHING,

NETTABI WANTED ME TO DO
A TRIAL RUN

WITH ONE
OF HIS DRIVERS--REUBEN.

ALONG WITH REUBEN'S HOME COUNTRY
OF ARMENIA,

I PICKED THREE MORE MAINSTREAM
CONVERSATION TOPICS

FOR CUSTOMERS
TO CHOOSE FROM

AND TOOK OUT SOME BOOKS
FROM THE LIBRARY

SO THAT REUBEN
COULD STUDY UP ON THEM.

YOU PROMISE
YOU'LL READ THESE?

- I PROMISE, YEAH.
- OKAY.

'CAUSE IT'S VERY IMPORTANT.
- OKAY.

- YOU KNOW, I WANNA LOOK GOOD
FOR YOUR BOSS.

- OKAY.

- AFTER GIVING REUBEN A WEEK
TO STUDY,

WE HAD OUR TOUCH SCREEN SYSTEM
INSTALLED IN HIS CAB,

AND IT WAS TIME TO GO PICK UP
SOME CUSTOMERS.

- SANTA MONICA
AND WILTON, PLEASE.

- NO PROBLEM.

- SO WE'RE DOING THIS THING
WHERE YOU CAN SELECT

YOUR CONVERSATION PREFERENCES
FOR THE RIDE.

SEE, YES OR NO.

- TURNS OUT A LOT OF PEOPLE
WERE LIKE ME.

NO ONE WANTED TO TALK
TO THE DRIVER.

- LOVE THAT SILENCE.

JUST NICE AND QUIET.

ARE YOU ENJOYING
THE SILENCE?

- KIND OF.

- BUT IN ORDER TO REALLY SELL
MY IDEA TO NETTABI,

I NEEDED TO SHOW
THE CONVERSATION FEATURE

WORKING WITH A CUSTOMER.

- OKAY.

- UM, YOU KNOW, I JUST WONDER
WHAT CALIFORNIA--

WHAT WAS NATIVE
TO CALIFORNIA,

OR, YOU KNOW,
LIKE, DOLPHINS, OR--

- WHICH WHALES ARE NATIVE?
- YEAH, THAT--THAT'D BE RIGHT.

- WHICH WHALES
ARE NATIVE TO CALIFORNIA?

- CALIFORNIA.
- YEAH.

- I CANNOT ASK.
I'M SORRY.

- BUT THAT WAS COVERED IN THE--
IN THE BOOKS.

DID YOU READ--
DID YOU READ THE BOOKS?

- NO.
- YOU DIDN'T READ THEM?

OKAY.

I WAS STUNNED THAT REUBEN
HADN'T PREPARED.

AND IF HE COULDN'T TALK
ABOUT WHALES,

NETTABI WOULD NEVER GO
FOR MY IDEA.

SO I ASKED HIM
TO PULL OVER

AND HAD THE CUSTOMER
WAIT OUTSIDE SO WE COULD TALK.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING
ABOUT WHALES?

REUBEN KNEW NOTHING,

AND IN A LAST-DITCH EFFORT,
I PULLED UP SOME WHALE FACTS

ON MY PHONE
FOR HIM TO MEMORIZE.

A SPERM WHALE
CAN HOLD ITS BREATH

FOR AT LEAST ONE HOUR.

- ONE HOUR, IT CAN HOLD--
- HOLD ITS BREATH, SPERM WHALE.

OKAY.
- SPERM WHALE.

- I GAVE REUBEN
ABOUT 15 WHALE FACTS,

AND THEN, IT WAS TIME
TO BRING THE CUSTOMER BACK IN.

- OKAY, GOT IT?
- YEAH.

- OKAY, READY?
I'M GONNA BRING HER BACK IN.

- YEAH.
- OKAY, DON'T--DON'T MESS IT UP.

both: OKAY.
- IT ALL CAME DOWN TO THIS.

THE FATE OF MY CONCEPT
WAS IN REUBEN'S HANDS.

SO ARE YOU--
YOU WERE ASKING ABOUT WHALES?

- YES.
- OKAY.

SO, UM...

- IT'S A--
VERY INTERESTING ANIMALS.

UH, FOR EXAMPLE...

IT CAN HOLD THE BREATH
UNDERWATER FOR ONE HOUR.

- WHAT ELSE?

- ALSO, THEY CAN LIVE
200 YEARS.

- KEEP GOING.

- ALL THE WHALES
SIT AROUND FAMILY.

- WOW.

- REUBEN CAME THROUGH
IN A BIG WAY,

AND IN NO TIME, HE WAS
EVEN MAKING UP HIS OWN FACTS.

- HAVE YOU EVER FOUGHT
A SHARK?

- YEAH.
- YOU HAVE?

- YEAH, IT WAS A GREAT--
GREAT WHITE.

- WOW.

- WHOA, YOU FOUGHT
A GREAT WHITE?

WHAT DID YOU DO?

- HIS MOUTH
LIKE THIS.

IF YOU GO THIS WAY,
HE CANNOT TOUCH YOU...

- OKAY.

- AND I TRIED,
AND I BEAT IT.

- A GREAT WHITE SHARK CAME
TO BITE YOU, AND YOU KICKED IT?

- YEAH.
I KICKED IT.

- AND DID YOU KILL HIM?
- NO.

YEAH, I KILL HIM.
- OH, WOW.

- PRETTY GOOD, HUH?

- YEAH, IT'S--
IT'S REALLY INTERESTING.

- DO YOU LIKE THIS SYSTEM?
HAVE YOU EVER SEEN IT BEFORE?

- NO.

- WOULD YOU TELL YOUR FRIENDS
ABOUT IT?

- UH, SURE.

- REUBEN FAR SURPASSED
ANY EXPECTATIONS I HAD FOR HIM,

AND I COULDN'T WAIT
TO SHOW NETTABI THE RESULTS.

- 'CAUSE THIS WAY,
HE CANNOT TOUCH YOU...

- WOW.
- AND I TRIED, AND I BEAT HIM.

- THAT'S GOOD.

- YOU LIKE IT?
- THE CUSTOMER LOOKS HAPPY.

AND THE DRIVER
WAS COMFORTABLE.

SO I LIKE IT.

- I'M SO HAPPY
I COULD HELP YOU.

UM, DO YOU MIND IF I LEAVE YOU
MY BUSINESS CARD?

- ABSOLUTELY.

- BASICALLY, TO CARE FOR IT,

YOU JUST HAVE TO FEED IT
KIND OF WHEAT--

- EVERY DAY, I HAVE TO LOOK
AT YOUR CARD.

- YOU CARE FOR IT, YEAH.
- OH, THAT'S A BRILLIANT IDEA.

- YEAH, BECAUSE YOU NEVER FORGET
WHO GAVE IT TO YOU.

- YES, YOU ARE FULL--
FULL OF GOOD IDEAS.

- OH, GREAT.
- HAVE A GOOD DAY.

- YOU TOO.
- GOOD TO MEET YOU.

- BYE, BYE.

- EARLIER, I SET UP
ONE OF MY EMPLOYEES

ON A BLIND DATE,
AND THE GIRL

I PICKED FOR HIM
WAS SOMEONE

THAT I MET
ON MY FAKE DATING SHOW--RACHEL.

- THERE'S NO ONE ELSE LIKE ME.
[laughs]

- AS PART OF THE AGREEMENT
WITH QUIZNOS,

SOLOMON WAS GONNA HAVE TO SAY
SOME BRANDING CUES

FROM THE COMPANY
DURING HIS DATE.

SO I GAVE HIM
A HIDDEN EARPIECE

AND STATIONED MYSELF
IN THE BACK ROOM

WITH A QUIZNOS MARKETING REP
SO I COULD TELL HIM

WHAT TO SAY
DURING HIS DATE.

I COULD TELL SOLOMON
WAS NERVOUS,

BUT HE LOOKED FANTASTIC
IN MY GRANDPA'S SUIT.

I JUST HOPED THAT HE COULD
HIT IT OFF WITH RACHEL.

- HI, MY NAME
IS SOLOMON.

- HI.

I'M RACHEL.

- YOU HAVE NICE EYES.

- OH, THANK YOU.

SO DO YOU.
- THANK YOU.

- YOU COULD ASK HER IF--

"WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE
QUIZNOS SUB?"

- ALL RIGHT, IS THAT KIND
OF WEIRD EARLY ON IN THE DATE?

I TRIED TO HOLD OFF
THE QUIZNOS REP AS LONG

AS I COULD SO SOLOMON AND RACHEL
COULD REALLY CONNECT...

- HAVE YOU SEEN
THE MOVIE CLICK?

- NO.

- OH, IT'S ABOUT, UM, A GUY
THAT GETS THIS REMOTE CONTROL,

AND HE CONTROL LIFE.

- OH, WOW, AWESOME.
- YEAH.

- BUT, EVENTUALLY,
SHE WAS JUST TOO PERSISTENT.

- DID YOU KNOW
THE BAJA CHICKEN HAS...

- CHEF-INSPIRED...
- CHEF-INSPIRED SAUCES?

- DID YOU KNOW THE BAJA CHICKEN
HAS CHEF-INSPIRED SAUCES?

- OH, REALLY?
COOL.

- HAVE HIM SAY,
"MM, TOASTY."

- ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

- SO, UM...

- WILL YOU SAY, "MM, TOASTY"
AFTER YOU BITE IT?

- MM.

TOASTY.

- [chuckles]

- NOW, WE COULD TALK
ABOUT THE ARTISAN BREADS,

THE FRESHLY SLICED MEATS
AND CHEESES--

- OKAY, I'M--
I LOVE QUIZNOS,

AND I'M HAPPY
TO DO THIS,

BUT CAN WE LET THEM
DO THEIR THING FOR A BIT,

AND GET TO KNOW
EACH OTHER?

- OKAY.

- BE GENUINE.
BE YOURSELF.

SPEAK FROM THE HEART.

- DO YOU--
DO YOU KNOW ANY POEMS?

- NO.

DO YOU?
- YES, I DO.

"ROSES ARE RED,

"VIOLETS ARE BLUE.

NO ONE IS PRETTIER
THAN YOU."

- AW.
THANKS.

- YOU'RE WELCOME.
- THAT'S GOOD.

- YEAH, IF WE CAN THROW IN
THE TAG LINE AGAIN.

- ALL RIGHT,
WRAP IT UP, SOLOMON.

- SO, UH, IT SEEMS,

UH, THAT WE'RE DONE WITH...

WITH THE TASTY QUIZNOS...

SANDWICH.

- GREAT.

- YOU'RE REAL PRETTY

AND I WANT
TO SEE YOU AGAIN.

- EVEN WITH THE AWKWARDNESS
OF OUR PRODUCT PLACEMENT,

I WAS SO HAPPY THINGS WORKED OUT
FOR SOLOMON.

BUT THERE WAS STILL ONE THING
I HAD TO LOOK INTO.

- EARLIER TONIGHT, YOU SAW ME
HELP A PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR.

BUT WHAT I DIDN'T SHOW YOU
IS THAT AFTER WE WERE DONE,

I ASKED HIM IF HE WANTED
TO HANG OUT,

AND HE REBUFFED ME.

WOULD YOU WANNA HANG OUT
ON SATURDAY NIGHT?

- NO, IT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

- WHY?
- I HAVE PLANS.

- YOU HAVE PLANS?
- I DO.

- ON SATURDAY?
- I DO.

- WHAT ARE
THE PLANS?

- TAKING MY GIRL
OUT TO DINNER.

- YOU'RE GOING OUT TO DINNER
WITH YOUR GIRL?

- YES.

- ALL RIGHT.

BUT THERE WAS SOMETHING
IN BRIAN'S TONE

THAT JUST DIDN'T SEEM RIGHT
TO ME,

SO I HIRED A SECOND PRIVATE
INVESTIGATOR TO SPY ON BRIAN

TO SEE IF HE REALLY WENT OUT
WITH HIS GIRL.

- AND IF IT'S OPEN,
HE'S DEFINITELY HOME.

- YEAH, EXACTLY.

I NEVER SAW HIM LEAVE
AT ALL, PERIOD.

- 'CAUSE HE TOLD ME HE WAS GOING
OUT WITH HIS GIRL THAT NIGHT.

- OH, INTERESTING.

YOU DON'T LOOK
TOO HAPPY.

- NO, I'M JUST--
I'M SURPRISED HE LIED TO ME.

WHAT--DO YOU THINK THE GUY,
LIKE--HE DIDN'T LIKE ME, OR...

- I DON'T KNOW,
YOU KNOW?

I MEAN, SOMET--I MEAN,
IF I DON'T LIKE SOMEBODY

AND THEY'D ASK ME THAT,
I'D PROBABLY SAY,

"I'D LOVE TO GO OUT
WITH YOU.

I'M JUST REALLY BUSY."

- RIGHT, SO HE WAS JUST TRYING
TO GET RID OF ME.

- I THINK HE WAS TRYING
TO GET RID OF YOU.

- [chuckles]
- THAT'S WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE.

NO--SORRY ABOUT THAT, BUT--
- NO, NO, NO.

- IT'S JUST MY OPINION.
- YEAH, YOU DID A GREAT JOB.

- MY PLEASURE.

- UM, WHAT ARE YOU DOING
THIS WEEKEND?

- THIS WEEKEND?

UH, PROBABLY GOING TO GO
TO SAN FRANCISCO.

WE'LL HAVE TO MAKE IT
ANOTHER TIME.

[both chuckle]

NO, I'M PROBABLY GOING TO GO
TO SAN FRANCISCO, SEE MY FAMILY.

- MM.
- YEAH.

- OKAY.

ALL RIGHT, THANKS SO MUCH
FOR COMING IN AND HELPING.

- YOU GOT IT.
TAKE CARE. NICE TO MEET YOU.

- ALL RIGHT.

DO YOU WANNA HANG OUT
SOMETIME--A TIME OUTSIDE?

I DON'T KNOW.

IT'S FINE.
- MM...

- WE DON'T HAVE TO. THAT'S FINE.
- YEAH, OKAY.

- YOU'RE--ARE YOU
IN A RELATIONSHIP RIGHT NOW?

- YES.
[chuckles]

- OKAY.
SO SORRY, NEVERMIND.

NICE GUYS LIKE US
ARE LEFT BEHIND.

- MM, HOW DO YOU SAY?
"NICE GUYS FINISH LAST."

- YOU HAVE
NO FRIENDS.

THAT'S WHY YOU'RE THE WIZARD
OF LONELINESS.

THAT'S YOU.

- I NEED YOU TO PRETEND
TO BE MY FRIEND.

I CAN PAY YOU.

- SO ARE YOU ATTRACTED
TO HIM?

- I GUESS NO.

HE WASN'T REALLY
WHAT I EXPECTED.

- WE'LL HAVE TO MAKE IT
ANOTHER TIME.

[chuckles]

[dial tone rings]

- GOOD AFTERNOON.
GLOBAL INVESTIGATIONS.

HI, YOU'RE
A PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR?

- UH, YES.
HOW MAY I DIRECT YOUR CALL?

- UM, YEAH, I JUST WANT
TO FIND OUT

IF A PAUL KATZ IS GOING
TO SAN FRANCISCO THIS WEEKEND.

[up-tempo
dramatic orchestration]

♪

- AB-SO-LUTELY.

- [puffs]

[airplane soaring]