Nailed It! (2018–…): Season 2, Episode 7 - Bonus: 3, 2, 1... Ya Not Done! - full transcript

Hello, our lovely and dedicated
Nailed It! fans.

It's me, Nicole,

and my legally contracted
TV best friend, Jacques,

who you might not even recognize

because he lost so much weight.
And I gained it.

-Say hello, Jacques.
-[chuckles]

Hello, Nicole, my lovely cupcake.

Yes, I love to eat cupcakes.

We're streaming at you
from our top secret test kitchen.

[Byer] And today we are having

a super special baking challenge



for some very extra awesome guests.

Y'all know the show Queer Eye.

[Byer]
Those men are known as The Fab Five.

And they also happen to be
big-time binge-watchers of Nailed It!

We have prepared an amazing challenge
just for them.

-[man 1] Let's do it.
-[all] Yeah!

[all laughing]

I'm Tan France, and I'm the style expert
on Queer Eye.

I love to bake.
So, no matter what we're doing,

I know I can win.

I'm Antoni Porowski,
and I'm the food and wine guy.

Walking into the Nailed It! kitchen,
it's like a cook's dream.

I'm Jonathan Van Ness,
and I am the groomer on Queer Eye.

And my attitude is to just,



bring all the selective knowledge
I have from watching Nailed It!

and just really be present
in this competition.

I'm Karamo Brown,
and I'm the culture expert.

I don't spend any time in the kitchen.

So I'm scared and I do not know
how this is gonna work out.

I'm Bobby Berk, and I'm
the interior Designer on Queer Eye.

I'm kind of terrified.
I haven't baked in decades.

-[Byer] God, you guys look fabulous.
-Thank you. So do you.

Thank you. I know.

[Jonathan] Adorable.

Now, one of the toughest challenges
in cake baking

is recreating the beauty and the grace
of the human figure.

And who is more beautiful
and graceful to have to recreate

than yourselves?

[contestants exclaiming]

Oh, look how gay I look
in the little bow tie.

Hold on. Please don't tell me
we have to recreate that.

I mean, yes.

-That's the premise of the show.
-[both laughing]

[laughing]

Nestled on top of each fluffy
fondant-covered cupcake,

you'll find a chocolate figurine
that you might recognize.

The only rule here
is that you cannot pick yourself.

[all] Oh! Yeah!

By the way, you notice
that we don't have any guest judge.

That's because we want...

-Antoni, the food expert...
-[Bobby chuckles]

to be our guest judge.

[Jacques] Come here.

[Byer] Grab your cupcake,

and come on over.

-You're okay with it?
-Yeah.

-Twist!
-Okay, we don't have all day.

Go grab a cupcake.

-[Jacques screams]
-Oh!

I really wanna grab Jonathan
because I know that I can use the hair

to kind of cover up any neck issues
I might have.

Okay, are you guys ready to do this?

Because you only have 90 minutes,
and we started a minute ago.

-[timer buzzing]
-So that's 89 minutes.

Go! Do it!

I'm not even kidding...
Let's work together.

-We're going to beat them.
-[shouting] Okay! Yes! Are you serious?

We work as a team on the show,
and we're going to work as a team today.

-Okay, so we're gonna make the cake first.
-Okay.

[Tan] One fourth cup of buttermilk.

It's childproof.

Okay. There it is.

So, Jacques, if you were going to attempt
to recreate these cupcakes,

how would you go about it?

[Jacques] I would make the cake,

and I would put it in the oven
as fast as possible.

-[Tan] I think it's good to go.
-Yeah.

When it's baking, I will
start my decoration right away.

[Jonathan] We're making fondant.

-[Karamo] Okay.
-You need black and blue.

-Black, blue.
-[Tan] Black, blue.

-Thanks, Tan.
-[Byer] All right, Antoni...

I would like you to go through
each of your coworkers

and just tell me about
their skill set in the kitchen.

Jonathan is an unpaid sponsor
of Postmates.

Bobby. Never seen him cook.

[Bobby] I think I'm doing this right.

[grunts]

Tan is actually a very good home cook.

And Karamo has a really nice,

uh, sophisticated palate of Coca-Cola

and Welch's Gummies for breakfast.

[chuckles] And that's, basically,
all that you need to know.

[Tan] Be very careful.

A little goes a long, long way.
You just need a drop.

-[Tan] And you might...
-[Karamo] Oh!

[Tan] Oh, yeah!

Do you know when I said
a little bit goes a long way? [chuckles]

[Tan] Maybe you might want
to change the gloves.

Throw that away.
That's not going to work.

Why?

I think you put too much dye in that.

-Did I?
-What makes you think that? [laughing]

It is goopy.

Back to the drawing board.
One more time.

I'm not gonna lie.
I feel like I'm sinking into the ground.

The kitchen is my sunken place.

[Karamo]
I can't do this. I've given up.

I just want to hide my head.

-[Karamo] You're on your own.
-No! Don't give up.

[groans]

You cannot give up.

Have some wine
and then you have to go back.

-[Byer] Do it for the culture.
-[Karamo] Yes!

Don't be a black man

-giving up in front of America.
-[laughing]

-You got me over here.
-Hey... All right.

[Bobby] Behind, behind!

How long do I keep my cupcakes
in the cooler?

You keep them until they are cold?

I hope somebody finishes the task.

I just want one person to finish it.
That's my goal.

-[Byer] What is the cake pop part?
-[Antoni] The body and the head.

And the legs are just all fondant.

[Jacques] The only one
who made a cake pop is Tan,

with the cake inside
and then building something around it.

I'm dismantling him.

-I'm dismantling the patriarchy.
-This is like studying human anatomy.

[Byer] Yes, girl.

-You guys have 38 minutes.
-[clock ticking]

Begin decorating.

[Jonathan]
I'd say mine is coming along great.

When I get in my workflow,

like, really nothing can distract me
from my workflow.

Until I look down and realize
that my workflow is garbage.

And then I get really distracted.

[Bobby laughing hysterically]
No. No!

[Jonathan] You're doing so good.

I hate how good you're doing.

No sharp objects.

[Karamo] No, you're not gonna
sabotage my Tanny.

-[Jacques] What's happening here?
-[Tan] No! That's my jacket.

Jonathan has always been jealous of me.

So, if he knows for a second
that I might beat him at something,

there's always gonna be sabotage.

-[Jonathan] Mine's so good.
-You finished already?

-[Jonathan] Yeah.
-[Tan] You're so stupid.

All right. [sighs]

[Bobby] Nailed it!

-Jonathan?
-Yeah?

-Is yours perfect?
-[Jonathan] Yeah.

You're sure you're all done?

My middle name is "attention to detail."

[giggling]

-You guys have one minute.
-[clock ticking]

[Tan] Is anybody else getting nervous
about all this, or is it just me?

Okay.

Jonathan, what are you eating?

[muffling]
I'm eating a cupcake.

[Tan] Oh my God.
Bobers is doing so good.

[Tan laughing]

[Byer] Five, four...

three, two, one.

You're done!

-[siren blaring]
-[spray hissing]

Okay.

[Byer] Karamo, this is the perfect
cake pop cupcake

you were trying to make.

-Let's see what you re-created.
-[drum rolls]

-[fanfare]
-Nailed It!

[Jonathan] Oh! It fell over.
Should I pick it up?

When life crushes you,
you have to build yourself back up.

And you might not look
how you used to look,

but guess what!
Dammit, you're still here.

[Byer] Yes!

I think this is a Picasso.

-[gasps, exclaims]
-[Byer] This is a Picasso. You know...

[both] Muah, muah, muah!

Picasso put ears where... you know,
feet should be.

-[Karamo] Yes.
-This is art deco,

-this is revolutionary.
-[Karamo] Thank you.

I don't know. I'm here for it.

[Antoni] We've got to taste it.

[clicking tongue]

[Antoni] It's a little angel food-like.

-It's... Yes, and I think...
-It's because I'm an angel.

-[Jacques] Certainly.
-[Byer] Well...

Karamo, I think you did a job.

-Thank you.
-We have to move on. Bye, bye.

[Karamo] Bye, bye.

[Byer] All right.

This is the perfect cupcake cake pop
you were trying to recreate.

Let's see what you did.

[drum rolls]

-Nailed It!
-[fanfare]

-[Tan] Looks identical to me.
-[laughing]

[Tan] It's good, right?

-[Byer] Okay.
-[Tan] Okay.

Karamo, your face.

[Byer] He got hot dog arms,
but somebody said he don't deserve them.

-[all laughing]
-So they were sliced off.

But you know what?
You're the only one...

who made a cake pop.

-I think we should taste it.
-[Tan] Thank you, Nicole.

-[Tan] Yeah, get it.
-[Jonathan laughs]

-[Karamo] You just ate my head.
-[laughing]

I'm not gonna lie. The sugar
is actually perfect for the central part,

and it's the perfect density
in the middle.

-Yeah.
-You did an amazing job.

Okay. Bye, bye.
We've got to move on.

Thank you.

Well, well, well!

-The man who finished early...
-[chuckling]

The man who said, "I am done.

I am perfect,

I don't need to do nothing else."

Let's see what you did.

[laughing]

This is the cupcake
you were trying to recreate.

Let's see it. I am ready.

-[drum rolls]
-[fanfare]

-[Byer screams]
-[Jonathan laughs]

Nailed It!

[Jonathan] Nicole, it's scary.

[Byer laughing hysterically]

I would say, I don't mean to laugh,
but I completely mean to laugh.

I don't know how the people do this
on this show.

You put your heart and soul
into something,

and all they do is tear it into shreds.

Honestly, you're doing

exactly what the people do
on this show.

I think that the cupcake is good.

Jonathan, my darling, my love.
Goodbye.

-Much like.
-Much, very much.

[Byer] All right...

This is the perfect cupcake cake pop

you were trying to recreate.

Let's see what you did?

-Ready? Nailed It!
-[drum rolls]

-[fanfare]
-[Karamo] Whoa!

-Whoa!
-Wow!

-[Byer] I love this.
-[laughter]

I think that's one of his eyes
is kind of funny from here.

[Byer] Yeah, a little worried.

But you know what?
All the parts are here,

and it's standing.

All in all, pretty incredible
usage of detailed.

All right, let's taste this.

[Byer] Jacques, what do you think?

It is a little bit dry, but you know what?
The flavor is good.

[Byer] Yeah. Antoni?

My one issue with it is textural.

It is a little too crumbly
and falling apart.

-Why are you so critical?
-[Jacques laughing]

Be nicer.

No, we're done.

And now...

the moment we've all been waiting for.

Which of the Fab Four...

nailed it?

Jacques, would you like to do the honors?

[Jacques] The winner...

is...

Bobby.

-[Byer shouting] Bobby!
-Yeah!

-I win!
-[Tan] You won!

-I win!
-[Byer] Yes!

For this one of a kind challenge,

we have a one of a kind trophie.

Oh, Wes!

-[Jacques] Wes...
-Wes, where are you?

[Jacques laughing]

-[man 1] Take it.
-All right.

[Jonathan laughing]

Who are you?

Not Wes, but he's nice too.

[Tan] Yeah, yeah.

-Bobby, this is yours.
-[fanfare]

-[Jonathan] Yeah!
-Yeah!

Yeah!

I won. It looked nothing like
the amazing cupcakes that we saw.

So, I'm the best of the worst.

[laughs]

-[Byer] Yeah!
-[Jacques] Mademoiselle.

Merçi.

Well, that's it for this
extra special Nailed It!

-[all] Yeah!
-A toast to us all!

[Jonathan] Got it.