NCIS (2003–…): Season 13, Episode 20 - Episode #13.20 - full transcript
Tony's identity is stolen by multiple perpetrators who proceed to blackmail senators.
TONY:
Aha.
Would you like a glass
of bubbly, Director?
No drinking on the clock,
Agent DiNozzo.
Of course not, sir.
And why deprive the politicians?
Most of them have not had
a drink since this morning.
Mrs. Bransfield,
nice to see you again.
Excuse me.
Hi.
You don't have
a wristband.
Ooh, you got me.
No wristband.
The line was just kind of crazy
outside, so we let ourselves in.
Name?
I'm Very Special Agent
Anthony DiNozzo, NCIS.
We were expecting a
Special Agent Gibbs.
(chuckles)
Well, consider yourself lucky.
He's not really
a people person.
He's more of a...
basement person.
The invitations are
non-transferrable.
Uh, is there
a problem, Miss...?
Marsden, Director.
Senator Kelly's aide.
Ah, Miss Marsden.
I'm sure that the senator
wouldn't object if we had...
MAN:
Director Vance,
who let you in here?
Thank you, Lisa.
You invited SECNAV,
you invite us.
Senator Kelly,
how's the racquetball game?
Ah, still have
a few good shots left.
You remember
Senator Bransfield?
Well, of course I do.
Nice to see you.
And this is
one of our best,
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo.
TONY:
It's a pleasure, Senators.
BRANSFIELD:
Uh...
I...
Would you, uh...
would you excuse me
a second, please?
Excuse me.
(clears throat)
It's good to see you, Leon.
Pardon me
while I make the rounds.
By all means.
What the hell was that?
(chuckles):
I don't know.
I usually only have
that effect on women.
Can't say I know a lot about
her music, but she's Katy Perry.
She's got... she's got
the fiery hair.
Roar! (laughs)
(Tony mutters)
Ah. Senator Bransfield.
Don't you “Senator” me,
you despicable piece of filth.
What are you doing
showing up here?
We weren't supposed
to meet till tonight.
I'm sorry?
Oh, really?
You're sorry?
You will be
if you ever try
to contact me again.
You see that?
I hope you choke on it.
♪ NCIS 13x20 ♪
Charade
Original Air Date on April 5, 2016
♪ ♪
TONY (whispers):
$500.
$20,000.
USS Theodore Roosevelt.
Taken.
USS Constitution.
Also taken.
USS Fortitude?
Ooh, I like that one.
Mm-hmm.
It conveys strength
and determination.
No. It's already taken.
Damn.
Yup. Minesweeper in World War Two.
What about you, Tony?
A little busy right now.
BISHOP:
Doing...
what?
Okay.
Tony.
I don't want to play.
Look, we're naming aircraft
carriers, okay?
Whatever comes to your head first.
Don't even think about it.
Just whatever comes
to your head first. What is it?
Peanut.
What's the second thing
that pops in your head?
Brett Favre.
Okay, does this look like
the USS Peanut to you?
The USS Brett Favre?
Make him stop talking to me.
Tony, this is important.
A new aircraft carrier
is being announced next month,
and SECNAV is holding
a contest to name it.
Tony, do you realize
what a once-in-a-lifetime
opportunity this is?
You get to emblazon
the name of your choice
on a state-of-the-art,
nuclear-powered vessel
that's protecting the greatest
country in the world.
Let's put a pin in
that, McMilitary,
and talk about
my problem.
$20,000.
And why is that a problem?
Because technically,
it might be stolen.
By who?
By me.
DiNozzo!
Oh, hey. You're here.
That's good.
Gibbs, what's the matter?
I just got a phone call.
A deputy in Virginia
just found an NCIS special agent
dead in a car crash.
Oh, my God,
that's terrible.
Who died?
You did.
TONY: Yes, that's my name,
but it's not my photo.
It's obviously a fake.
How do I know
you're really you?
How do I know you're really you?
Hi.
NCIS Special Agent McGee.
Um, where'd you get the badge?
Front pocket
of the driver's jacket.
He's deceased.
Mm.
Yeah, we gathered that.
Um, can we take
a look at that?
Seeing as the victim is
not an actual NCIS agent,
and seeing as he died
within our jurisdiction,
sheriff's department will take
lead in this investigation.
How is the investigation going?
Special Agent Gibbs.
Deputy Sheriff Hicks.
So talk to me, Deputy.
A one-car crash, broad daylight.
My guess, the guy was drunk.
Or asleep.
BISHOP:
Gibbs!
Over here!
Skid marks.
Two sets of them.
Here and over here.
There was a second
vehicle involved.
McGEE: Hey, boss, got
something you got to see here.
White paint.
Looks like our victim got tapped
by another vehicle.
Maybe forced
off the road.
How's that investigation
going now, Hicks?
Guess it could have been
a hit-and-run.
Guess we'll have to take
a closer look.
DUCKY: Investigators
don't guess, Deputy.
They study. They analyze.
They make inferences
based on evidence
and facts.
What do you got, Duck?
DUCKY: Well, what happens
when a immovable object
meets a unstoppable force?
In this case,
the driver was pinned
under the steering wheel.
Other than hypothesize,
I'm going to wait
until the firefighters
extract his body.
Found something! (grunts)
(sighs)
What's inside?
I don't know.
But I think I know.
That's evidence.
(sighs)
HICKS:
So, uh...
So DiNozzo was rich, huh?
Living the dream.
TONY: Yes, “fraud” is
a really good name for it.
Can you please cancel the card?
Much appreciate it. Huh?
Oh, I'd love to take a survey.
A United States senator
gives you $20,000,
and you don't think
to mention it?
I wanted some answers first,
boss.
What do we know?
BISHOP:
Our victim's name is
Scott Byers.
Hmm.
Uh, technical issues.
Please stand by.
Scott Byers is,
uh, 35 years old,
lived in Roanoke, Virginia.
Part-time waiter,
part-time Uber driver.
No prior record.
And no apparent connection
to Senator Bransfield.
Never even voted.
How'd he get
DiNozzo's badge and I.D.?
TONY:
Don't look at me.
I didn't give it to him.
Well-made forgeries.
We're looking into
known counterfeiting operations.
BISHOP:
Got it.
Loose connection.
TONY:
Oh, wow.
Really is a Phony Tony.
BISHOP: Now we know
why he stole Tony's identity.
McGEE:
Working theory is that
Byers impersonated Tony,
ran up the cards,
and then extorted
Senator Bransfield.
You find Byers' cell phone?
No. Maybe he didn't have one,
which seems odd
for a blackmailer.
So what did he have
on Bransfield that was
worth paying 20 grand?
Yeah, that's
an excellent question.
And I just hung up
with the senator,
who has very graciously agreed
to come down and talk to us.
Oh, boy.
An object in motion
tends to stay in motion,
uh, in the same speed
in the same direction,
unless acted on
by an unbalanced force.
That's Isaac Newton's Law
of Inertia, Mr. Byers.
You challenged that law,
and now you know the rest.
Ah, Timothy.
What a pleasant surprise.
Hey, Ducky.
I am playing
the part of Gibbs today.
And this fellow's playing
the part of Anthony DiNozzo.
Who knew that DiNozzo
had a stand-in in the wings?
So what do you got?
Massive damage
to multiple organs.
Severe hemorrhaging.
Death was due
to blunt force trauma
from the car
hitting the light pole.
So it was the car crash
that killed him.
Indeed.
Oh, and also I located
Mr. Byers' missing cell phone.
Oh, that's good news.
We need to find out who
he was in contact with.
Phone is in the bowl?
Most of it.
The rest is embedded
in his quadriceps.
What, the phone
was inside his leg?
It was in
his pants pocket.
It shattered
when the car crashed,
and the pieces, I say,
embedded in his thigh.
Well, so much for
getting those contacts.
I think it's safe to say
that his last contact
was with the pole.
(chuckles)
I made a joke.
Wow.
You cut the car in half.
No. (chuckles)
The firefighters did.
They were already
slicing it up
to try to extricate
Phony Tony,
so I just asked them to
go ahead and bisect it.
It's easier to
work like this.
Oh. Well, tell me
you found something.
I found something.
BISHOP:
A... scrape?
To the naked eye,
it is a scrape.
But inside,
at ten times magnification,
we find...
...chlorine and ethylene.
Do you know
what that is?
Gibbs is really good
at my games,
but you'll catch on.
So...
So it's the chemical composition
for vinyl.
What's made out of vinyl?
Records?
Bumper stickers.
Oh.
I bet this shred scraped off
when the two cars collided.
Can you tell me
what the bumper sticker says?
Based on a shred
that's 3.2 millimeters long?
No.
Ooh, you have something else,
don't you?
I do.
And you know that because
you saw my spectrophotometer.
Visible light is
measured in nanometers.
That's a billionth of a meter;
it's very small.
But with this machine, my...
Spectro...
Spectrophotometer.
It's got
a color analyzing wheel
and inference filters
and a stepper motor...
Abby.
Get to the good part.
Okay. Well, put this
on the color,
push a button...
and ta-da!
Arctic Beach.
That's the color.
It was really common in
luxury European models
in the early '70s,
so if you can find
an old white BMW
or Mercedes with a dent
and a torn bumper sticker,
you'll find your killer.
Thanks, Abby. Thank your gizmo.
Thank you, gizmo.
Senator, I'm truly sorry
for any misunderstanding.
It's, uh... well, it's kind of
funny, when you think about it.
Hilarious, even.
Not hilarious.
It's kooky.
(knocking on door)
Come in.
Senator.
Hilarious.
I'm truly sorry
for any misunderstanding.
Anyway, here we are,
conference room.
Now we get to confer.
Jason, will you
wait outside, please?
That's a good idea.
You got a lot of nerve
pulling me in here.
Now, you listen to me,
you son of a bitch.
I'll give you
$20,000 more.
That is my max.
(door opens)
Special Agent Gibbs.
Senator. Thanks for coming.
Special Agent DiNozzo
get you up to speed?
Well, I was
just explaining
to the senator that, um,
he was being blackmailed
by an imposter
who stole my identity.
And we
are returning your $20,000,
not a penny short.
(chuckles)
How long has this extortion
been going on?
Uh, several weeks.
He would ask me to put the money
in a trash can
over at the soccer field.
I never met the guy,
obviously, so...
You saw me at the party;
you thought that I came
to collect the money personally.
Yeah.
We'd like to access
your phone and e-mail.
Trace your correspondence.
Well, if I gave you
access to my phone,
you'd find out
why I was being blackmailed.
(sighs)
Look, gentlemen, I'm...
I'm not proud of this.
I'm hoping
it doesn't go public.
But if it helps you
catch that bastard...
Okay. There you go.
Actually, Senator,
your blackmailer is dead.
Someone ran him
off the road yesterday.
Well...
Looks like my little
problem is solved, huh?
Am I free to go?
The guy stole my identity,
Senator.
We still have
a murder investigation.
Well, my office wishes you
nothing but luck.
(sighs)
Gibbs...
I did something bad.
How bad?
Bad bad.
So I hacked into
Senator Bransfield's e-mail
while he was sitting in there.
The government should be ashamed
of their firewalls.
Anyways, our trusted
elected official
cannot be trusted
to keep his hands to himself.
TONY (chuckles):
Oh-ho-ho.
That's not Mrs. Bransfield.
He kept this e-mail?
No, he deleted it.
I just...
un-deleted it.
But you have to see the
note that came with it.
“You've been
a naughty boy, Senator.
“Pay me $20,000 or I'm
sending these to the press.
“Instructions to follow.
Love, NCIS Special Agent
Tony DiNozzo.”
Well, it's kind of sweet.
He said “Love, Tony.”
You got any shots
of the woman's face?
No, sorry.
Can you get an I.D. on her?
Well, sure, Gibbs.
I'll just push
my “identify a stranger
“based solely on the back
of their head” button.
Why don't you just ask
the senator who she is?
Can't do that.
He'll know we hacked
into his private e-mail.
Whoa! Gibbs.
You should see this.
Senator Bransfield just got
a new e-mail.
“Senator,
you stood me up last night.
“Now the price goes up
to $40,000.
Same drop zone.
Love, Tony.”
Okay.
So either Phony Tony
is sending e-mails
from the grave or...
There's another Phony Tony.
Senator Bransfield,
it's Special Agent Tony DiNozzo.
Yes, the real one.
Morning, Ellie.
Well, good morning, Tim.
Ah, the ship-
naming contest.
I'm gonna win this thing.
(chuckles)
How many names you got on there?
I don't know. Couple dozen.
It looks more like 50.
I got to tell you,
the brainstorming session
last night was out of control.
Delilah and I came up with
so many choices.
We were up till late night
researching each name's
cultural, political
and historical
significance.
Um... McGee,
you know you're
only allowed
one entry per person?
Okay. Senators are on board.
You think Gibbs will go for it?
Go for what?
Um...
Come on. Talk.
Gibbs, Senator Bransfield isn't
the only senator being extorted.
McGEE: We traced the
e-mail sent to Bransfield
that Abby intercepted.
Same account holder
sent extortion e-mails
to two other senators.
Let me guess.
Senator Shawn Kelly?
Explains why he ran away from me
when we met at his fundraiser.
The other one
is Senator Will Matheson.
The blackmailer's dead.
Senator Kelly's blackmailer
is dead.
Let's call him
Phony Tony number one.
Bransfield's is still out there.
Let's call him
Phony Tony number two.
What about Senator Matheson?
McGEE: Blackmailed by
Phony Tony
number three.
So, DiNozzo, you got your
identity stolen three times?
Ah, yes.
Uh, that appears to be the case.
But I'm gonna
make up for it now,
because I came up
with a new plan
to catch the remaining
blackmailers.
When Matheson and Bransfield
make their payoff later today,
we will be there
to arrest them.
We're not using United States
senators as decoys in a sting.
Oh, no.
Of course not.
Gibbs, I'd like you to meet
Senator Will Matheson.
Vote for me in November.
Senator Matheson,
you remember
Senator Bransfield?
Good to meet you
again, Senator.
Okay.
Let's go con the cons.
MAN:
Score a goal!
All right, guys.
MAN 2: Go. Go, go!
Let's go, girls!
Come on, let's get one!
All right!
(crowd cheering, girls squealing)
See any potential
Phony Tonys?
You mean middle-aged men
with wandering eyes?
You got the bird's-eye view.
(chuckles)
BISHOP:
Well, I see you.
A little grayer than normal.
Politics ages a man.
All right,
I'm gonna do the drop.
Now, remember, he has to
physically have the money
before you arrest him, okay?
Thanks for the bribery advice,
Senator.
You're a little
too good at this.
(sighs)
Senator?
Agent DiNozzo?
That's me.
BISHOP:
Here we go.
Homeless guy.
Doesn't really look like Tony.
McGEE:
Well, give him a few years.
BISHOP:
Ugh.
Not him.
$20,000.
It's all there.
Got a runner.
McGEE:
Anthony DiNozzo.
Senator?
MAN:
You know, I got to say, uh,
you don't really look
like your picture.
(laughs)
Yeah.
Well, neither do you.
You two are
looking at 20 years
for impersonating
a federal agent
and bribing a
U.S. senator.
Whoa, whoa, no.
Hang on, hang on.
No, no,
I didn't do any bribing.
All I did was pick up the money.
Yeah, sh-she paid me
five grand to pick up.
Has the Tony show started yet?
TONY:
And who is she exactly?
Bring popcorn?
The chick that hired us.
Yeah. She's the one
that set all this up.
Is this a blonde chick?
I...
I don't know.
I-I never met her.
Then how'd she hire you?
Craigslist.
I'm an actor.
It was a casting call.
She said she really
liked my head shot.
Yeah, yeah, she told
me the same thing.
She was super nice.
Yeah.
Actually,
she-she told me that
I'd get to play
a government agent.
You know,
like-like Jason Bourne.
Instead, of course,
I get Jason Boring.
Uh, look the point is,
a week after she hired me,
this arrives in the mail,
along with your badge
and I.D.,
your credit card,
your backstory.
I committed
everything to memory.
(clicks tongue)
Just like memorizing lines.
We know everything about you.
Yeah.
What's my mother's maiden name?
Oh, that's easy.
Paddington.
And how long
have I been working for NCIS?
Yeah, long enough that you
should be making better money.
Wait for it, wait for it.
Yep, you're pathetic.
I'm not even that good
at memorizing lines.
You were easy!
You have no life.
That's true.
Yeah, no wife, no kids,
uh, no hobbies.
Same job, same apartment.
(chuckles):
I mean,
nothing changes with you.
What a fun conversation.
Yeah.
Hey, I've got an idea.
Let's call your boss.
Sorry, uh, no can do.
Mm-mm.
No, no, yeah.
She calls us.
Tells us when and where
to pick up the money.
Where do you drop it off?
(sighs)
Bus station.
Massachusetts Avenue.
Locker 177.
Right, so there was one camera
pointed at locker 177.
This is at 3:22 p.m.
on Saturday afternoon.
There's the smaller Tony
making a drop.
Tiny.
Then we fast-forward
two hours ahead.
And here comes
tall, handsome Tony.
He's really cute,
by the way.
I mean,
not nearly as cute as you are.
Not even close.
Okay, 11:54 p.m.,
here comes
our mystery woman.
Please tell me
she turns around.
She turns around.
Oh, boy.
I know.
I think that is the woman
that was kissing
Senator Bransfield.
(sighs)
Wait.
You know her.
Yeah, I know her.
I dated her.
Who the hell is she?
I don't know.
You don't know?
She was in your apartment.
I've had lots of women
in my apartment.
This one stole
your identity.
Did you happen
to catch her name, DiNozzo,
or is that not the way
that dates work anymore?
McGEE: Boss, she told
Tony that her name was
Leah Ramsey-- that's
not her real name.
BISHOP: 18 Leah Ramseys have
Social Security numbers
in the United States.
Not one matches
her age and description.
Does she have a phone, DiNozzo?
Look, she gave me
her e-mail,
which I threw away, because I
never intended to see her again.
Well, how did you contact
her the first time?
I met her at a bar.
(chuckles) Let me guess.
She approached you.
Well, they usually do, but I...
I was a target.
An easy one!
BISHOP: So, we've got
three extorted senators,
uh, two arrested bagmen
and one identified suspect.
And zero leads!
Come on!
We're smarter than this!
(sighs)
(whispers):
I think we're in trouble.
Yeah.
Thanks for coming over, Abby.
I needed another set of eyes.
Of course.
It's an honor.
I haven't been to the
inner sanctum in a while.
Welcome back to Casa DiNozzo.
I wish it was under
better circumstances.
And I get to say hello
to Kate and Ziva
in their cute little bowl.
Yeah, Ziva's gained
a little weight.
(chuckles)
You can drop by anytime.
Senior does.
I think it's really sweet
that you two get to spend
more time together.
Maybe someone will start
impersonating him, too.
So, how do you
think Leah did it?
I don't know.
I-I went to the kitchen.
So... maybe in those 30 seconds,
she used a flash drive
or a camera on her cell phone.
Do you feel violated?
Yes, and not the way I like.
Wait.
Tony...
you don't have a cat.
(chuckles):
Oh, yeah.
That.
Or a dog.
It's a long story.
Yeah.
You pretend to have a pet
to impress women.
So it's a short story.
I just don't get it.
You don't need
to put on a show.
You are Very Special Agent
Anthony freakin' DiNozzo,
and you are a catch.
Maybe I just haven't
met the right one yet.
Or maybe you're afraid
of who you're gonna find.
Maybe.
I'm sorry, this is a waste
of time, isn't it?
I mean, it was over a month ago
when she was here.
We're not gonna find any prints.
Look how clean
I keep this place.
Don't give up.
I haven't even been
in the bedroom yet.
We never made it to the bedroom.
We stayed right out here.
A little Sinatra,
a little chardonnay.
God, she was good to go, too.
Oh.
Don't move.
Tony?
Ha-ha!
I hate chardonnay.
This has been sitting
untouched for a month.
Do you know the last
person to touch it?
Leah?
Leah.
$50 for one
bottle of wine.
Well, she said she was
a trust-fund baby,
and so, you know,
a little nice chardonnay
instead of a screw top.
Hmm? You got her?
Got her mug shot.
Got two mug shots, okay.
Elizabeth Elliot.
Arrested twice in Florida
for writing bad checks
and embezzlement.
(sighs)
Run her Social.
Okay, so she's
totally off the grid.
Her driver's
license is expired.
And she hasn't
filed her taxes since
2009 when she was
a mortgage lender.
Whatever she's doing now,
obviously doesn't hand out W2s.
(chuckles):
Mm-hmm!
Two warrants out for her arrest.
Means we're not the only
ones looking for her.
But I'm gonna get
this little kitty cat.
Oh, thank you.
All right.
I got it.
I narrowed down the list.
I've got one name left.
You ready for this?
Drum roll.
(tapping on desk)
The USS Hannibal Hamlin.
I'm drawing a blank.
Hannibal Hamlin.
Come on, Hannibal Hamlin.
Repeating his name isn't gonna
make it magically happen, Tim.
Okay, he was the second
most powerful guy
in the United States for
a period of four years.
Lincoln's vice president
during the Civil War.
Hannibal Hamlin.
SECNAV's never gonna
call a ship The Hannibal,
unless it's christened
with fava beans
and a bottle of Chianti.
You I.D.'d her.
That's great.
Where you going?
To find her and end this.
Where is she?
I don't know.
What are you gonna do, just
wander the streets aimlessly?
Why don't you take your
lookalikes with you?
How many DiNozzos does it take
to screw in a lightbulb?
Tell me you have something.
Tony I.D.'d the woman
from his apartment.
And McGee and I have a theory
on who killed
our dead impersonator.
Okay, go.
Senator Shawn Kelly.
I hope you have evidence.
Circumstantial, but
it's overwhelming.
All right,
walk me through it.
Well, the
extortion e-mails
that Dead Tony sent
to Senator Kelly
refer to his quote,
“military secret”"
Kelly was an officer
in the Navy?
A lieutenant.
We did some digging and,
in 1990, his ship
was sent to the Gulf
to fight in Operation
Desert Storm,
but he didn't go
due to a medical discharge.
So?
So, five years ago,
the doctor who authorized
that discharge recanted.
Said Kelly paid him to lie,
so he could stay
out of harm's way.
McGEE:
It's an election year, boss.
Why would Kelly's opponents
not have used that against him?
Navy records are sealed.
But not to NCIS agents.
Explains why this woman
wanted our Tony's identity.
I mean, only someone
with access to classified
military records
could get that information.
Makes sense.
What else?
Senator Kelly
takes a lot of limos,
but when he drives
himself to work,
he drives a 1972 white Mercedes.
That Arctic Beach?
Don't know, but...
you see that?
Parking decal to access
Congress's private parking lot.
McGEE: We think
the shred of vinyl
that Abby found on
Dead Tony's car isn't
part of a bumper sticker,
but actually
that parking decal.
BISHOP: To find out,
we need a warrant,
but he's a sitting U.S. senator,
so...
Get one.
Good afternoon, Officer.
Sir!
Back in the vehicle!
I understand.
I'm a federal agent in
the course of an investigation.
I'm reaching into my pocket;
I'm pulling out my badge.
Here we go. Look at that.
There's me. There's the badge.
Where's your government vehicle?
What... This is a rental car.
I'm test-driving cars right now.
I need that back.
You were going
45 in a 35.
When I ran your plates,
they flagged.
Rental car company said
the credit card used
to procure the
vehicle was stolen.
Stolen from me, not by me.
Uh-huh.
What, you don't believe me?
I believe you could
just as easily
be the thief
in all this.
You got beady little
rat eyes like one.
(grunts)
You're under arrest for
impersonating a federal officer.
Okay, all right. Listen.
You're making a mistake.
Bigger mistake was you playing
fake agent on my watch.
Look, I...
Button it!
TONY:
Thanks for getting me, Tim.
Why do you smell so weird?
I was seated between two guys
who stole a hot dog cart.
Ah. Sauerkraut.
Sorry. I'll keep
the windows open.
So you all right?
Feel like my life
is a charade.
Uh, not any more
than usual.
I mean, you'd tell me, right,
if I was losing my edge?
The DiNozzo edge?
'Cause I feel like it.
I mean... (laughs)
I... I get swindled
by a bimbo.
I got Laurel and Hardy
impersonating me.
What about the third guy?
Is he a buffoon?
Is that who I am?
Tony, you're not
losing your edge.
You've momentarily
misplaced it, okay?
You're getting it back.
Did a lot of thinking
in the big house.
You weren't even booked.
You sat in the lobby.
Time passed real slow.
Honestly...
sometimes, I...
feel like I don't
know who I am.
And it's strange,
because she stole
my identity, right?
But... I feel like I've
already lost my identity.
I mean, what is this?
Seriously, is this some
kind of weird metaphor
for my current
psychological state?
Look, I don't understand
half of what you're talking
about right now, okay?
And we don't have time
for an existential crisis.
Listen to me.
You are Very Special Agent
Anthony DiNozzo.
You survived
the pneumonic plague.
You saved Gibbs
from drowning.
But you know what?
More than anything...
you're one of my best friends.
All right, looks like
we tracked down the girl
that got you into this mess,
so enough with the Oprah.
Let's go get her.
Thanks, Tim.
BISHOP:
This is a receiver transponder.
You'll be able to both
hear and speak to us.
All right, cool!
Ooh! (laughs)
Whatever's happening here,
I don't like it.
It's the only plan we got.
Which is?
GIBBS:
He's the bait.
Woman running the extortion ring
texted him to arrange a meet.
We see her, we grab her.
Okay. All set.
Ready, Freddie.
McGee and DiNozzo?
Meeting us there.
Where are they?
Uh, following up on a lead.
Didn't pan out.
So, listen, Stretch.
This isn't a game.
You got one shot at your friend.
No fooling around.
Don't worry. I'm an actor.
Yeah. That's what
I'm worried about.
(birds chirping)
Got anything?
McGEE:
Yeah, a blister.
Thought gardening was
supposed to be therapeutic.
Why does Tony get
to stay in the car?
TONY: Trust me, it's not
as fun as it sounds.
And I get to stay in the car
because Leah,
or whatever her name is,
knows what I look like.
Remember?
Hey.
What's he doing?
BISHOP:
Uh...
I guess he's hot?
Sign of nerves?
Ya think?
(exhales)
Okay.
What the hell?
Bishop...
On it.
Hey. Hey.
I don't want to do this.
Okay. - Okay?
Get ahold of yourself.
She's gonna be
here any minute.
What? Okay. I can't, I can't,
I can't do this.
Oh, boy.
GIBBS: Abort. Abort.
Now. Get him out of there.
Okay. Okay.
Oh, there, that's good.
All right.
And the other...
Okay.
So much for
Strangers in the Night.
Tony.
The one and only.
You said you were a cat person.
Yeah, well...
I said a lot of things.
You know,
you're looking good, Tony.
(laughs)
So are you.
But it pains me to say,
Leah Ramsey
or Elizabeth Elliott,
you're under arrest.
And, you know, I imagined
putting these on you;
it was just under
different circumstances.
Writing your confession?
Mm.
My...
“get out of jail free” card.
Read it.
It's the story of how
my friend Scott Byers
was run off the road and
killed by Senator Shawn Kelly.
So what?
So go arrest him for murder.
Based on your word?
He's a United States senator.
You're a scam artist.
(chuckles)
Check my phone records.
Scott called me that night,
freaking out.
Said the senator was following
him, driving like crazy.
Then I heard screaming,
and the phone went dead.
So what do you say?
My testimony for my immunity?
We don't make deals.
Fine.
Arrest me for extortion...
but let a killer go free.
It's just a matter of leverage.
I learned that negotiating
mortgage loans.
Where you going?
I'd be worried about
where you were going.
Abby test the senator's car?
Arctic Beach white.
And the parking decal?
McGEE: The car was
recently repaired.
New fender, new
parking decal.
So there's no way
to definitively say
if it was his car that ran
Dead Tony off the road.
We may need her testimony
to convict him.
We are not
letting her walk, McGee.
We are
absolutely sure
that Senator Kelly did this?
I don't trust a word she says.
BISHOP:
How did she learn about
the senator
military secret?
Journalists,
political rivals--
nobody could dig this up,
but some hustler figured it out?
Doesn't make any sense.
She had somebody on the inside.
Someone who knew the senator
better than anyone?
DiNozzo, come on.
You're with me.
With pleasure, sir.
NCIS!
Gentlemen.
Senator Kelly's
on the Hill.
Can I take a message for him?
TONY:
Sure.
We got a message.
Tell him he's gonna
need a new assistant.
TALL TONY (mouth full):
Mm. So Senator Kelly
did not kill Dead Tony?
No.
The senator's aide, Lisa,
was driving the car.
The chick who hired us.
No, that was Elizabeth,
who I knew as Leah,
and she's the one
who stole my identity
and gave it to you clowns.
No offense.
None taken.
Why did Lisa
run him off the road?
Because Dead Tony
was about to squeal
and ruin their
extortion operation.
Would you... would you
pay attention?
Focus.
They were partners?
Mm.
They worked at
the same mortgage company.
TALL TONY:
She's cute.
Yeah, total hottie.
2008,
when the bubble burst,
Lisa went to work
as a senator's aide,
and Elizabeth became a grifter.
So Lisa concocted a plan
to blackmail her boss.
Mm.
Yeah, and it was so successful,
they expanded operations.
Which is why they needed
more Phony Tonys.
Us. (laughs)
Do-do you get it?
Do... do you see?
Are those hot peppers?
Oh, my God.
(Tall Tony laughs)
How did you know
they were my favorite, huh?
Because they're my favorite.
Ah!
(laughter)
(sighs)
So, uh, what happens to us?
We'll put a good word
in for you,
but sorry, guys,
you're gonna have to do time.
Brief, with good behavior.
Oh, my God.
No way.
No way!
GIBBS:
Bishop?
Sorry.
Uh, it's nothing. It's fine.
Oh, my God.
No way.
What? What is it?
It's the ship-naming contest.
I'm a finalist.
The contest just ended.
How-how could they have made
their decision already?
I don't know, but they
narrowed it down to ten.
I'm jealous.
Happy for you though.
Congratulations.
What'd you go with?
Yeah, I want to see this.
A deceased,
decorated war veteran.
USS Admiral John McGee.
My dad.
Thanks, Ellie.
You bet, Tim.
Aha.
Would you like a glass
of bubbly, Director?
No drinking on the clock,
Agent DiNozzo.
Of course not, sir.
And why deprive the politicians?
Most of them have not had
a drink since this morning.
Mrs. Bransfield,
nice to see you again.
Excuse me.
Hi.
You don't have
a wristband.
Ooh, you got me.
No wristband.
The line was just kind of crazy
outside, so we let ourselves in.
Name?
I'm Very Special Agent
Anthony DiNozzo, NCIS.
We were expecting a
Special Agent Gibbs.
(chuckles)
Well, consider yourself lucky.
He's not really
a people person.
He's more of a...
basement person.
The invitations are
non-transferrable.
Uh, is there
a problem, Miss...?
Marsden, Director.
Senator Kelly's aide.
Ah, Miss Marsden.
I'm sure that the senator
wouldn't object if we had...
MAN:
Director Vance,
who let you in here?
Thank you, Lisa.
You invited SECNAV,
you invite us.
Senator Kelly,
how's the racquetball game?
Ah, still have
a few good shots left.
You remember
Senator Bransfield?
Well, of course I do.
Nice to see you.
And this is
one of our best,
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo.
TONY:
It's a pleasure, Senators.
BRANSFIELD:
Uh...
I...
Would you, uh...
would you excuse me
a second, please?
Excuse me.
(clears throat)
It's good to see you, Leon.
Pardon me
while I make the rounds.
By all means.
What the hell was that?
(chuckles):
I don't know.
I usually only have
that effect on women.
Can't say I know a lot about
her music, but she's Katy Perry.
She's got... she's got
the fiery hair.
Roar! (laughs)
(Tony mutters)
Ah. Senator Bransfield.
Don't you “Senator” me,
you despicable piece of filth.
What are you doing
showing up here?
We weren't supposed
to meet till tonight.
I'm sorry?
Oh, really?
You're sorry?
You will be
if you ever try
to contact me again.
You see that?
I hope you choke on it.
♪ NCIS 13x20 ♪
Charade
Original Air Date on April 5, 2016
♪ ♪
TONY (whispers):
$500.
$20,000.
USS Theodore Roosevelt.
Taken.
USS Constitution.
Also taken.
USS Fortitude?
Ooh, I like that one.
Mm-hmm.
It conveys strength
and determination.
No. It's already taken.
Damn.
Yup. Minesweeper in World War Two.
What about you, Tony?
A little busy right now.
BISHOP:
Doing...
what?
Okay.
Tony.
I don't want to play.
Look, we're naming aircraft
carriers, okay?
Whatever comes to your head first.
Don't even think about it.
Just whatever comes
to your head first. What is it?
Peanut.
What's the second thing
that pops in your head?
Brett Favre.
Okay, does this look like
the USS Peanut to you?
The USS Brett Favre?
Make him stop talking to me.
Tony, this is important.
A new aircraft carrier
is being announced next month,
and SECNAV is holding
a contest to name it.
Tony, do you realize
what a once-in-a-lifetime
opportunity this is?
You get to emblazon
the name of your choice
on a state-of-the-art,
nuclear-powered vessel
that's protecting the greatest
country in the world.
Let's put a pin in
that, McMilitary,
and talk about
my problem.
$20,000.
And why is that a problem?
Because technically,
it might be stolen.
By who?
By me.
DiNozzo!
Oh, hey. You're here.
That's good.
Gibbs, what's the matter?
I just got a phone call.
A deputy in Virginia
just found an NCIS special agent
dead in a car crash.
Oh, my God,
that's terrible.
Who died?
You did.
TONY: Yes, that's my name,
but it's not my photo.
It's obviously a fake.
How do I know
you're really you?
How do I know you're really you?
Hi.
NCIS Special Agent McGee.
Um, where'd you get the badge?
Front pocket
of the driver's jacket.
He's deceased.
Mm.
Yeah, we gathered that.
Um, can we take
a look at that?
Seeing as the victim is
not an actual NCIS agent,
and seeing as he died
within our jurisdiction,
sheriff's department will take
lead in this investigation.
How is the investigation going?
Special Agent Gibbs.
Deputy Sheriff Hicks.
So talk to me, Deputy.
A one-car crash, broad daylight.
My guess, the guy was drunk.
Or asleep.
BISHOP:
Gibbs!
Over here!
Skid marks.
Two sets of them.
Here and over here.
There was a second
vehicle involved.
McGEE: Hey, boss, got
something you got to see here.
White paint.
Looks like our victim got tapped
by another vehicle.
Maybe forced
off the road.
How's that investigation
going now, Hicks?
Guess it could have been
a hit-and-run.
Guess we'll have to take
a closer look.
DUCKY: Investigators
don't guess, Deputy.
They study. They analyze.
They make inferences
based on evidence
and facts.
What do you got, Duck?
DUCKY: Well, what happens
when a immovable object
meets a unstoppable force?
In this case,
the driver was pinned
under the steering wheel.
Other than hypothesize,
I'm going to wait
until the firefighters
extract his body.
Found something! (grunts)
(sighs)
What's inside?
I don't know.
But I think I know.
That's evidence.
(sighs)
HICKS:
So, uh...
So DiNozzo was rich, huh?
Living the dream.
TONY: Yes, “fraud” is
a really good name for it.
Can you please cancel the card?
Much appreciate it. Huh?
Oh, I'd love to take a survey.
A United States senator
gives you $20,000,
and you don't think
to mention it?
I wanted some answers first,
boss.
What do we know?
BISHOP:
Our victim's name is
Scott Byers.
Hmm.
Uh, technical issues.
Please stand by.
Scott Byers is,
uh, 35 years old,
lived in Roanoke, Virginia.
Part-time waiter,
part-time Uber driver.
No prior record.
And no apparent connection
to Senator Bransfield.
Never even voted.
How'd he get
DiNozzo's badge and I.D.?
TONY:
Don't look at me.
I didn't give it to him.
Well-made forgeries.
We're looking into
known counterfeiting operations.
BISHOP:
Got it.
Loose connection.
TONY:
Oh, wow.
Really is a Phony Tony.
BISHOP: Now we know
why he stole Tony's identity.
McGEE:
Working theory is that
Byers impersonated Tony,
ran up the cards,
and then extorted
Senator Bransfield.
You find Byers' cell phone?
No. Maybe he didn't have one,
which seems odd
for a blackmailer.
So what did he have
on Bransfield that was
worth paying 20 grand?
Yeah, that's
an excellent question.
And I just hung up
with the senator,
who has very graciously agreed
to come down and talk to us.
Oh, boy.
An object in motion
tends to stay in motion,
uh, in the same speed
in the same direction,
unless acted on
by an unbalanced force.
That's Isaac Newton's Law
of Inertia, Mr. Byers.
You challenged that law,
and now you know the rest.
Ah, Timothy.
What a pleasant surprise.
Hey, Ducky.
I am playing
the part of Gibbs today.
And this fellow's playing
the part of Anthony DiNozzo.
Who knew that DiNozzo
had a stand-in in the wings?
So what do you got?
Massive damage
to multiple organs.
Severe hemorrhaging.
Death was due
to blunt force trauma
from the car
hitting the light pole.
So it was the car crash
that killed him.
Indeed.
Oh, and also I located
Mr. Byers' missing cell phone.
Oh, that's good news.
We need to find out who
he was in contact with.
Phone is in the bowl?
Most of it.
The rest is embedded
in his quadriceps.
What, the phone
was inside his leg?
It was in
his pants pocket.
It shattered
when the car crashed,
and the pieces, I say,
embedded in his thigh.
Well, so much for
getting those contacts.
I think it's safe to say
that his last contact
was with the pole.
(chuckles)
I made a joke.
Wow.
You cut the car in half.
No. (chuckles)
The firefighters did.
They were already
slicing it up
to try to extricate
Phony Tony,
so I just asked them to
go ahead and bisect it.
It's easier to
work like this.
Oh. Well, tell me
you found something.
I found something.
BISHOP:
A... scrape?
To the naked eye,
it is a scrape.
But inside,
at ten times magnification,
we find...
...chlorine and ethylene.
Do you know
what that is?
Gibbs is really good
at my games,
but you'll catch on.
So...
So it's the chemical composition
for vinyl.
What's made out of vinyl?
Records?
Bumper stickers.
Oh.
I bet this shred scraped off
when the two cars collided.
Can you tell me
what the bumper sticker says?
Based on a shred
that's 3.2 millimeters long?
No.
Ooh, you have something else,
don't you?
I do.
And you know that because
you saw my spectrophotometer.
Visible light is
measured in nanometers.
That's a billionth of a meter;
it's very small.
But with this machine, my...
Spectro...
Spectrophotometer.
It's got
a color analyzing wheel
and inference filters
and a stepper motor...
Abby.
Get to the good part.
Okay. Well, put this
on the color,
push a button...
and ta-da!
Arctic Beach.
That's the color.
It was really common in
luxury European models
in the early '70s,
so if you can find
an old white BMW
or Mercedes with a dent
and a torn bumper sticker,
you'll find your killer.
Thanks, Abby. Thank your gizmo.
Thank you, gizmo.
Senator, I'm truly sorry
for any misunderstanding.
It's, uh... well, it's kind of
funny, when you think about it.
Hilarious, even.
Not hilarious.
It's kooky.
(knocking on door)
Come in.
Senator.
Hilarious.
I'm truly sorry
for any misunderstanding.
Anyway, here we are,
conference room.
Now we get to confer.
Jason, will you
wait outside, please?
That's a good idea.
You got a lot of nerve
pulling me in here.
Now, you listen to me,
you son of a bitch.
I'll give you
$20,000 more.
That is my max.
(door opens)
Special Agent Gibbs.
Senator. Thanks for coming.
Special Agent DiNozzo
get you up to speed?
Well, I was
just explaining
to the senator that, um,
he was being blackmailed
by an imposter
who stole my identity.
And we
are returning your $20,000,
not a penny short.
(chuckles)
How long has this extortion
been going on?
Uh, several weeks.
He would ask me to put the money
in a trash can
over at the soccer field.
I never met the guy,
obviously, so...
You saw me at the party;
you thought that I came
to collect the money personally.
Yeah.
We'd like to access
your phone and e-mail.
Trace your correspondence.
Well, if I gave you
access to my phone,
you'd find out
why I was being blackmailed.
(sighs)
Look, gentlemen, I'm...
I'm not proud of this.
I'm hoping
it doesn't go public.
But if it helps you
catch that bastard...
Okay. There you go.
Actually, Senator,
your blackmailer is dead.
Someone ran him
off the road yesterday.
Well...
Looks like my little
problem is solved, huh?
Am I free to go?
The guy stole my identity,
Senator.
We still have
a murder investigation.
Well, my office wishes you
nothing but luck.
(sighs)
Gibbs...
I did something bad.
How bad?
Bad bad.
So I hacked into
Senator Bransfield's e-mail
while he was sitting in there.
The government should be ashamed
of their firewalls.
Anyways, our trusted
elected official
cannot be trusted
to keep his hands to himself.
TONY (chuckles):
Oh-ho-ho.
That's not Mrs. Bransfield.
He kept this e-mail?
No, he deleted it.
I just...
un-deleted it.
But you have to see the
note that came with it.
“You've been
a naughty boy, Senator.
“Pay me $20,000 or I'm
sending these to the press.
“Instructions to follow.
Love, NCIS Special Agent
Tony DiNozzo.”
Well, it's kind of sweet.
He said “Love, Tony.”
You got any shots
of the woman's face?
No, sorry.
Can you get an I.D. on her?
Well, sure, Gibbs.
I'll just push
my “identify a stranger
“based solely on the back
of their head” button.
Why don't you just ask
the senator who she is?
Can't do that.
He'll know we hacked
into his private e-mail.
Whoa! Gibbs.
You should see this.
Senator Bransfield just got
a new e-mail.
“Senator,
you stood me up last night.
“Now the price goes up
to $40,000.
Same drop zone.
Love, Tony.”
Okay.
So either Phony Tony
is sending e-mails
from the grave or...
There's another Phony Tony.
Senator Bransfield,
it's Special Agent Tony DiNozzo.
Yes, the real one.
Morning, Ellie.
Well, good morning, Tim.
Ah, the ship-
naming contest.
I'm gonna win this thing.
(chuckles)
How many names you got on there?
I don't know. Couple dozen.
It looks more like 50.
I got to tell you,
the brainstorming session
last night was out of control.
Delilah and I came up with
so many choices.
We were up till late night
researching each name's
cultural, political
and historical
significance.
Um... McGee,
you know you're
only allowed
one entry per person?
Okay. Senators are on board.
You think Gibbs will go for it?
Go for what?
Um...
Come on. Talk.
Gibbs, Senator Bransfield isn't
the only senator being extorted.
McGEE: We traced the
e-mail sent to Bransfield
that Abby intercepted.
Same account holder
sent extortion e-mails
to two other senators.
Let me guess.
Senator Shawn Kelly?
Explains why he ran away from me
when we met at his fundraiser.
The other one
is Senator Will Matheson.
The blackmailer's dead.
Senator Kelly's blackmailer
is dead.
Let's call him
Phony Tony number one.
Bransfield's is still out there.
Let's call him
Phony Tony number two.
What about Senator Matheson?
McGEE: Blackmailed by
Phony Tony
number three.
So, DiNozzo, you got your
identity stolen three times?
Ah, yes.
Uh, that appears to be the case.
But I'm gonna
make up for it now,
because I came up
with a new plan
to catch the remaining
blackmailers.
When Matheson and Bransfield
make their payoff later today,
we will be there
to arrest them.
We're not using United States
senators as decoys in a sting.
Oh, no.
Of course not.
Gibbs, I'd like you to meet
Senator Will Matheson.
Vote for me in November.
Senator Matheson,
you remember
Senator Bransfield?
Good to meet you
again, Senator.
Okay.
Let's go con the cons.
MAN:
Score a goal!
All right, guys.
MAN 2: Go. Go, go!
Let's go, girls!
Come on, let's get one!
All right!
(crowd cheering, girls squealing)
See any potential
Phony Tonys?
You mean middle-aged men
with wandering eyes?
You got the bird's-eye view.
(chuckles)
BISHOP:
Well, I see you.
A little grayer than normal.
Politics ages a man.
All right,
I'm gonna do the drop.
Now, remember, he has to
physically have the money
before you arrest him, okay?
Thanks for the bribery advice,
Senator.
You're a little
too good at this.
(sighs)
Senator?
Agent DiNozzo?
That's me.
BISHOP:
Here we go.
Homeless guy.
Doesn't really look like Tony.
McGEE:
Well, give him a few years.
BISHOP:
Ugh.
Not him.
$20,000.
It's all there.
Got a runner.
McGEE:
Anthony DiNozzo.
Senator?
MAN:
You know, I got to say, uh,
you don't really look
like your picture.
(laughs)
Yeah.
Well, neither do you.
You two are
looking at 20 years
for impersonating
a federal agent
and bribing a
U.S. senator.
Whoa, whoa, no.
Hang on, hang on.
No, no,
I didn't do any bribing.
All I did was pick up the money.
Yeah, sh-she paid me
five grand to pick up.
Has the Tony show started yet?
TONY:
And who is she exactly?
Bring popcorn?
The chick that hired us.
Yeah. She's the one
that set all this up.
Is this a blonde chick?
I...
I don't know.
I-I never met her.
Then how'd she hire you?
Craigslist.
I'm an actor.
It was a casting call.
She said she really
liked my head shot.
Yeah, yeah, she told
me the same thing.
She was super nice.
Yeah.
Actually,
she-she told me that
I'd get to play
a government agent.
You know,
like-like Jason Bourne.
Instead, of course,
I get Jason Boring.
Uh, look the point is,
a week after she hired me,
this arrives in the mail,
along with your badge
and I.D.,
your credit card,
your backstory.
I committed
everything to memory.
(clicks tongue)
Just like memorizing lines.
We know everything about you.
Yeah.
What's my mother's maiden name?
Oh, that's easy.
Paddington.
And how long
have I been working for NCIS?
Yeah, long enough that you
should be making better money.
Wait for it, wait for it.
Yep, you're pathetic.
I'm not even that good
at memorizing lines.
You were easy!
You have no life.
That's true.
Yeah, no wife, no kids,
uh, no hobbies.
Same job, same apartment.
(chuckles):
I mean,
nothing changes with you.
What a fun conversation.
Yeah.
Hey, I've got an idea.
Let's call your boss.
Sorry, uh, no can do.
Mm-mm.
No, no, yeah.
She calls us.
Tells us when and where
to pick up the money.
Where do you drop it off?
(sighs)
Bus station.
Massachusetts Avenue.
Locker 177.
Right, so there was one camera
pointed at locker 177.
This is at 3:22 p.m.
on Saturday afternoon.
There's the smaller Tony
making a drop.
Tiny.
Then we fast-forward
two hours ahead.
And here comes
tall, handsome Tony.
He's really cute,
by the way.
I mean,
not nearly as cute as you are.
Not even close.
Okay, 11:54 p.m.,
here comes
our mystery woman.
Please tell me
she turns around.
She turns around.
Oh, boy.
I know.
I think that is the woman
that was kissing
Senator Bransfield.
(sighs)
Wait.
You know her.
Yeah, I know her.
I dated her.
Who the hell is she?
I don't know.
You don't know?
She was in your apartment.
I've had lots of women
in my apartment.
This one stole
your identity.
Did you happen
to catch her name, DiNozzo,
or is that not the way
that dates work anymore?
McGEE: Boss, she told
Tony that her name was
Leah Ramsey-- that's
not her real name.
BISHOP: 18 Leah Ramseys have
Social Security numbers
in the United States.
Not one matches
her age and description.
Does she have a phone, DiNozzo?
Look, she gave me
her e-mail,
which I threw away, because I
never intended to see her again.
Well, how did you contact
her the first time?
I met her at a bar.
(chuckles) Let me guess.
She approached you.
Well, they usually do, but I...
I was a target.
An easy one!
BISHOP: So, we've got
three extorted senators,
uh, two arrested bagmen
and one identified suspect.
And zero leads!
Come on!
We're smarter than this!
(sighs)
(whispers):
I think we're in trouble.
Yeah.
Thanks for coming over, Abby.
I needed another set of eyes.
Of course.
It's an honor.
I haven't been to the
inner sanctum in a while.
Welcome back to Casa DiNozzo.
I wish it was under
better circumstances.
And I get to say hello
to Kate and Ziva
in their cute little bowl.
Yeah, Ziva's gained
a little weight.
(chuckles)
You can drop by anytime.
Senior does.
I think it's really sweet
that you two get to spend
more time together.
Maybe someone will start
impersonating him, too.
So, how do you
think Leah did it?
I don't know.
I-I went to the kitchen.
So... maybe in those 30 seconds,
she used a flash drive
or a camera on her cell phone.
Do you feel violated?
Yes, and not the way I like.
Wait.
Tony...
you don't have a cat.
(chuckles):
Oh, yeah.
That.
Or a dog.
It's a long story.
Yeah.
You pretend to have a pet
to impress women.
So it's a short story.
I just don't get it.
You don't need
to put on a show.
You are Very Special Agent
Anthony freakin' DiNozzo,
and you are a catch.
Maybe I just haven't
met the right one yet.
Or maybe you're afraid
of who you're gonna find.
Maybe.
I'm sorry, this is a waste
of time, isn't it?
I mean, it was over a month ago
when she was here.
We're not gonna find any prints.
Look how clean
I keep this place.
Don't give up.
I haven't even been
in the bedroom yet.
We never made it to the bedroom.
We stayed right out here.
A little Sinatra,
a little chardonnay.
God, she was good to go, too.
Oh.
Don't move.
Tony?
Ha-ha!
I hate chardonnay.
This has been sitting
untouched for a month.
Do you know the last
person to touch it?
Leah?
Leah.
$50 for one
bottle of wine.
Well, she said she was
a trust-fund baby,
and so, you know,
a little nice chardonnay
instead of a screw top.
Hmm? You got her?
Got her mug shot.
Got two mug shots, okay.
Elizabeth Elliot.
Arrested twice in Florida
for writing bad checks
and embezzlement.
(sighs)
Run her Social.
Okay, so she's
totally off the grid.
Her driver's
license is expired.
And she hasn't
filed her taxes since
2009 when she was
a mortgage lender.
Whatever she's doing now,
obviously doesn't hand out W2s.
(chuckles):
Mm-hmm!
Two warrants out for her arrest.
Means we're not the only
ones looking for her.
But I'm gonna get
this little kitty cat.
Oh, thank you.
All right.
I got it.
I narrowed down the list.
I've got one name left.
You ready for this?
Drum roll.
(tapping on desk)
The USS Hannibal Hamlin.
I'm drawing a blank.
Hannibal Hamlin.
Come on, Hannibal Hamlin.
Repeating his name isn't gonna
make it magically happen, Tim.
Okay, he was the second
most powerful guy
in the United States for
a period of four years.
Lincoln's vice president
during the Civil War.
Hannibal Hamlin.
SECNAV's never gonna
call a ship The Hannibal,
unless it's christened
with fava beans
and a bottle of Chianti.
You I.D.'d her.
That's great.
Where you going?
To find her and end this.
Where is she?
I don't know.
What are you gonna do, just
wander the streets aimlessly?
Why don't you take your
lookalikes with you?
How many DiNozzos does it take
to screw in a lightbulb?
Tell me you have something.
Tony I.D.'d the woman
from his apartment.
And McGee and I have a theory
on who killed
our dead impersonator.
Okay, go.
Senator Shawn Kelly.
I hope you have evidence.
Circumstantial, but
it's overwhelming.
All right,
walk me through it.
Well, the
extortion e-mails
that Dead Tony sent
to Senator Kelly
refer to his quote,
“military secret”"
Kelly was an officer
in the Navy?
A lieutenant.
We did some digging and,
in 1990, his ship
was sent to the Gulf
to fight in Operation
Desert Storm,
but he didn't go
due to a medical discharge.
So?
So, five years ago,
the doctor who authorized
that discharge recanted.
Said Kelly paid him to lie,
so he could stay
out of harm's way.
McGEE:
It's an election year, boss.
Why would Kelly's opponents
not have used that against him?
Navy records are sealed.
But not to NCIS agents.
Explains why this woman
wanted our Tony's identity.
I mean, only someone
with access to classified
military records
could get that information.
Makes sense.
What else?
Senator Kelly
takes a lot of limos,
but when he drives
himself to work,
he drives a 1972 white Mercedes.
That Arctic Beach?
Don't know, but...
you see that?
Parking decal to access
Congress's private parking lot.
McGEE: We think
the shred of vinyl
that Abby found on
Dead Tony's car isn't
part of a bumper sticker,
but actually
that parking decal.
BISHOP: To find out,
we need a warrant,
but he's a sitting U.S. senator,
so...
Get one.
Good afternoon, Officer.
Sir!
Back in the vehicle!
I understand.
I'm a federal agent in
the course of an investigation.
I'm reaching into my pocket;
I'm pulling out my badge.
Here we go. Look at that.
There's me. There's the badge.
Where's your government vehicle?
What... This is a rental car.
I'm test-driving cars right now.
I need that back.
You were going
45 in a 35.
When I ran your plates,
they flagged.
Rental car company said
the credit card used
to procure the
vehicle was stolen.
Stolen from me, not by me.
Uh-huh.
What, you don't believe me?
I believe you could
just as easily
be the thief
in all this.
You got beady little
rat eyes like one.
(grunts)
You're under arrest for
impersonating a federal officer.
Okay, all right. Listen.
You're making a mistake.
Bigger mistake was you playing
fake agent on my watch.
Look, I...
Button it!
TONY:
Thanks for getting me, Tim.
Why do you smell so weird?
I was seated between two guys
who stole a hot dog cart.
Ah. Sauerkraut.
Sorry. I'll keep
the windows open.
So you all right?
Feel like my life
is a charade.
Uh, not any more
than usual.
I mean, you'd tell me, right,
if I was losing my edge?
The DiNozzo edge?
'Cause I feel like it.
I mean... (laughs)
I... I get swindled
by a bimbo.
I got Laurel and Hardy
impersonating me.
What about the third guy?
Is he a buffoon?
Is that who I am?
Tony, you're not
losing your edge.
You've momentarily
misplaced it, okay?
You're getting it back.
Did a lot of thinking
in the big house.
You weren't even booked.
You sat in the lobby.
Time passed real slow.
Honestly...
sometimes, I...
feel like I don't
know who I am.
And it's strange,
because she stole
my identity, right?
But... I feel like I've
already lost my identity.
I mean, what is this?
Seriously, is this some
kind of weird metaphor
for my current
psychological state?
Look, I don't understand
half of what you're talking
about right now, okay?
And we don't have time
for an existential crisis.
Listen to me.
You are Very Special Agent
Anthony DiNozzo.
You survived
the pneumonic plague.
You saved Gibbs
from drowning.
But you know what?
More than anything...
you're one of my best friends.
All right, looks like
we tracked down the girl
that got you into this mess,
so enough with the Oprah.
Let's go get her.
Thanks, Tim.
BISHOP:
This is a receiver transponder.
You'll be able to both
hear and speak to us.
All right, cool!
Ooh! (laughs)
Whatever's happening here,
I don't like it.
It's the only plan we got.
Which is?
GIBBS:
He's the bait.
Woman running the extortion ring
texted him to arrange a meet.
We see her, we grab her.
Okay. All set.
Ready, Freddie.
McGee and DiNozzo?
Meeting us there.
Where are they?
Uh, following up on a lead.
Didn't pan out.
So, listen, Stretch.
This isn't a game.
You got one shot at your friend.
No fooling around.
Don't worry. I'm an actor.
Yeah. That's what
I'm worried about.
(birds chirping)
Got anything?
McGEE:
Yeah, a blister.
Thought gardening was
supposed to be therapeutic.
Why does Tony get
to stay in the car?
TONY: Trust me, it's not
as fun as it sounds.
And I get to stay in the car
because Leah,
or whatever her name is,
knows what I look like.
Remember?
Hey.
What's he doing?
BISHOP:
Uh...
I guess he's hot?
Sign of nerves?
Ya think?
(exhales)
Okay.
What the hell?
Bishop...
On it.
Hey. Hey.
I don't want to do this.
Okay. - Okay?
Get ahold of yourself.
She's gonna be
here any minute.
What? Okay. I can't, I can't,
I can't do this.
Oh, boy.
GIBBS: Abort. Abort.
Now. Get him out of there.
Okay. Okay.
Oh, there, that's good.
All right.
And the other...
Okay.
So much for
Strangers in the Night.
Tony.
The one and only.
You said you were a cat person.
Yeah, well...
I said a lot of things.
You know,
you're looking good, Tony.
(laughs)
So are you.
But it pains me to say,
Leah Ramsey
or Elizabeth Elliott,
you're under arrest.
And, you know, I imagined
putting these on you;
it was just under
different circumstances.
Writing your confession?
Mm.
My...
“get out of jail free” card.
Read it.
It's the story of how
my friend Scott Byers
was run off the road and
killed by Senator Shawn Kelly.
So what?
So go arrest him for murder.
Based on your word?
He's a United States senator.
You're a scam artist.
(chuckles)
Check my phone records.
Scott called me that night,
freaking out.
Said the senator was following
him, driving like crazy.
Then I heard screaming,
and the phone went dead.
So what do you say?
My testimony for my immunity?
We don't make deals.
Fine.
Arrest me for extortion...
but let a killer go free.
It's just a matter of leverage.
I learned that negotiating
mortgage loans.
Where you going?
I'd be worried about
where you were going.
Abby test the senator's car?
Arctic Beach white.
And the parking decal?
McGEE: The car was
recently repaired.
New fender, new
parking decal.
So there's no way
to definitively say
if it was his car that ran
Dead Tony off the road.
We may need her testimony
to convict him.
We are not
letting her walk, McGee.
We are
absolutely sure
that Senator Kelly did this?
I don't trust a word she says.
BISHOP:
How did she learn about
the senator
military secret?
Journalists,
political rivals--
nobody could dig this up,
but some hustler figured it out?
Doesn't make any sense.
She had somebody on the inside.
Someone who knew the senator
better than anyone?
DiNozzo, come on.
You're with me.
With pleasure, sir.
NCIS!
Gentlemen.
Senator Kelly's
on the Hill.
Can I take a message for him?
TONY:
Sure.
We got a message.
Tell him he's gonna
need a new assistant.
TALL TONY (mouth full):
Mm. So Senator Kelly
did not kill Dead Tony?
No.
The senator's aide, Lisa,
was driving the car.
The chick who hired us.
No, that was Elizabeth,
who I knew as Leah,
and she's the one
who stole my identity
and gave it to you clowns.
No offense.
None taken.
Why did Lisa
run him off the road?
Because Dead Tony
was about to squeal
and ruin their
extortion operation.
Would you... would you
pay attention?
Focus.
They were partners?
Mm.
They worked at
the same mortgage company.
TALL TONY:
She's cute.
Yeah, total hottie.
2008,
when the bubble burst,
Lisa went to work
as a senator's aide,
and Elizabeth became a grifter.
So Lisa concocted a plan
to blackmail her boss.
Mm.
Yeah, and it was so successful,
they expanded operations.
Which is why they needed
more Phony Tonys.
Us. (laughs)
Do-do you get it?
Do... do you see?
Are those hot peppers?
Oh, my God.
(Tall Tony laughs)
How did you know
they were my favorite, huh?
Because they're my favorite.
Ah!
(laughter)
(sighs)
So, uh, what happens to us?
We'll put a good word
in for you,
but sorry, guys,
you're gonna have to do time.
Brief, with good behavior.
Oh, my God.
No way.
No way!
GIBBS:
Bishop?
Sorry.
Uh, it's nothing. It's fine.
Oh, my God.
No way.
What? What is it?
It's the ship-naming contest.
I'm a finalist.
The contest just ended.
How-how could they have made
their decision already?
I don't know, but they
narrowed it down to ten.
I'm jealous.
Happy for you though.
Congratulations.
What'd you go with?
Yeah, I want to see this.
A deceased,
decorated war veteran.
USS Admiral John McGee.
My dad.
Thanks, Ellie.
You bet, Tim.