Mythic Quest: Raven's Banquet (2020–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript
What is Mythic Quest?
Some may say it's just a video game.
When it first debuted, MQ
was hailed as a masterpiece.
Now played in 20 different
countries on six continents,
it's the biggest massive multiplayer
role-playing game of all time.
But in such a fickle industry
where fortunes can turn
and titans fall...
... they must stay relevant.
And today, they find
themselves on the precipice
of their most important
event since launch.
Their first major expansion,
Mythic Quest: Raven's Banquet.
And it all falls on the
shoulders of one man.
Creative Director Ian Grimm.
When I first created MQ, my
intention wasn't to just build a game.
I wanted to build a world.
And Raven's Banquet is the
next step into that world.
Of course, one person
cannot do this alone.
It takes thousands of people to keep
a world like this up and running.
People like Executive
Producer David Brittlesbee...
Lead Engineer Poppy Li.
People like Brad Bakshi,
Head of Monetization.
One thing MQ has that
no other game can boast
is a Nebula Award-winning
writer, C.W. Longbottom.
At your service.
But it all eventually
must funnel through
the vision of its creator.
And he dreams big.
When we think about
cultural touchstones,
we think ET, Star Wars, Avatar,
and yet our industry dwarfs the
traditional entertainment business.
So when we think about legends...
why not think, Mythic Quest?
True, indeed.
And when we think of visionary,
world-building artists,
instead of just Spielberg,
Lucas, and Cameron,
why not think...
Grimm?
I'm sorry, I gotta stop. What is this?
- It's a commercial for the game.
- It's a commercial for you.
- It's still going.
- Shh, shh, shh.
Oh, my God.
I think it's brilliant.
One new continent, over a
thousand new playable items,
all built on the most robust
code base in the history of MMOs.
I don't mean to toot my own horn here,
but my team and I have built
something remarkable, so...
Raven's Banquet is ready to launch!
- All right! Incredible.
- Thank you.
Absolutely stunning, Poppy. This
expansion is going to blow them away.
But are we sure that we're finished?
I think it's finished. We've been
on it for two years. It's perfect.
No, it's like we're almost
there, we're almost perfect.
- Where did you get that?
- I have my own.
Nobody remembers "almost
perfect", do they?
It's like... Oh. This.
Okay, now what's this, Pop?
That's a shovel.
It's just a little MTX
item I designed for myself.
The whole game's your
vision. I thought that the...
Right, it's just that
something's off about it.
Right? Like it's not entirely...
cool.
"Cool"? "Cool".
No, it is cool though,
because it provides an entirely
new game mechanic: digging.
The players can now literally
change the landscape of the game.
- Pop, no one's gonna buy that.
- If I may?
Maybe the shovel needs a backstory.
Who birthed this mysterious terra-spade?
The gods themselves?
Did they suckle at the bosom of Hera
like babes at their mother's teat?
- That's pretty good.
- Yeah, teats I can sell. Let's do that.
Let's not. Let's not do teats.
Accounting's on three,
Marketing's on two,
Tech Support's on six,
and this... this is
where the magic happens.
All the dev team heads are here
and, well, I oversee it all.
- Whoa. Is that your office?
- Hmm?
Uh, no. No, it's not. That's
Ian's. He's creative director.
Why's it so much higher
than everyone else's?
No, it's not that much higher.
It's an architectural
anomaly, that's all.
And the most powerful person doesn't
always have the biggest office, Jo.
In fact, I'm not the most
powerful person at this company.
This whole studio is owned by a
parent conglomerate in Montréal.
You know what?
You're gonna kinda learn about all this
at the staff meeting in a few minutes.
Speaking of which, as my assistant,
I'm gonna need you to
take copious notes because,
you see, the staff meeting is, well,
it's a crucial part of
how this place runs,
and I'm at the head of it all.
- Is that the meeting you're talking about?
- Hmm?
Uh, no. No, that can't be because
they wouldn't do it without me.
Why are they all meeting without me?
But it's my thing.
It's just my one thing.
Don't leave. Meeting's not over.
Hey, guys? Are you having
a staff meeting in here?
No, actually, we just finished up.
- Who's this?
- Oh, uh...
This is Jo. She's my new
assistant. Jo, this is the team.
Hi.
Hello. Uh, okay, well, if that's it...
Ian wants to change my
shovel and delay the launch.
"Delay the launch"? No, Ian,
on time and on budget, remember?
Poppy, what's the name of the first
game you ever fell in love with?
- Contra.
- New girl, go.
- Grand Theft Auto.
- Brutal. I love it.
David?
I've always been partial to Ms.
Pac-Man, but I don't see why that...
Everybody has that game
that they fell in love with
because they make an impact.
Those games were somebody's legacy.
This is my legacy.
- Our legacy.
- Our legacy. Whatever.
It's not my legacy.
We have a couple more days
until code lock, right?
So just let me noodle. Just let
me noodle on this one little thing.
- Just let me noodle. Let me noodle.
- You used the word again.
You used the "noodle" word.
When you use the noodle word,
I start to get worried.
David, I promise you I will not
ask you to push the expansion.
I like her. She's gonna do
all right. Meeting adjourned?
- Meeting adjourned. Yeah.
- Great.
Man, they're having another
meeting without us? Such bullshit.
Why don't they want our opinions?
We only play this game 24 hours a day.
I know, isn't it great?
Yeah, it's great, but it's just like
we're worth so much more than just
logging bugs all day, you know?
Come on, Rachel. We've only been
working here for like six months.
Yeah, but, I mean, you just
have so many great ideas.
- I feel like they should hear them.
- I do?
Yeah. There was one
you had the other day.
It was, like, about increasing
the hill trolls' kick radius.
Oh.
You have a really good memory.
Thank you.
Your ideas are just
really good. So are you.
Need my shit.
Mmm. Mmm.
You should probably get back
to work, because, you know,
they track our eyeballs.
Oh, sure, sure. Yeah.
That's a good idea.
Yeah, take that, you little bitch.
This is the best job I've ever had.
Yeah.
Brad, I need your help. I wanna
leak the shovel to Polygon.
And then when all the critics
love it, which they will,
they'll write about it, and then
Ian won't be able to change it.
Very Machiavellian. I'm impressed.
Well, you know, I'm always
thinking three steps ahead.
What, "three steps ahead"?
Hey, that's a lot of steps.
- Yeah, I'll go you one step...
- Don't get any closer.
Sorry. I'm gonna tweak the haptic
feedback so that when you hit the...
I don't really care about any of that.
All right, I'm in on your plot, okay?
But if you want people to like
your shovel, forget the critics.
There's only one person
you need to appeal to.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
- Not...
- Mm-hmm.
- Pootie Shoe?
- Pootie Shoe.
- Pootie, Pootie, Pootie... Shoe.
- Shoe.
Hey, guys! This is Pootie Shoe.
Wanna say hello to all my
Pootie-cuties and my Pootie-dudies,
and of course all of my
LGBTQ Pootie-fruities.
- Oh, I hate Pootie Shoe.
- Yeah, he's a real piece of shit.
But he's a piece of shit with
over ten million followers,
so if he likes your
shovel, you're good to go.
Yeah, yeah, but he's a 14-year-old boy.
Do you think he's really gonna
understand the subtle nuances?
Fourteen-year-olds these days are
much more savvy than you think.
- Your shovel's incredible, right?
- Yeah, absolutely.
- Then Pootie's your man.
- Can you wrap it up?
Mom, what the fuck? I'm streaming, Mom.
Okay, well, can't
you just pause it or...
No, I can't pause it. It's in front of
ten million fucking people right now.
- All right then.
- Get out. Scram!
- Boy.
- Get the fuck out!
You're trying to act important
in front of all your friends.
I get it. Okay.
Hi, sorry about that.
That was not chill.
Um, my mom can be a little
bit frustrating sometimes,
but overall, she's a great employee,
and she is a great mom as well.
Dig, dig, dig, dig. Do you get my point?
The shovel's just kinda boring,
but there is something here.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
What do you think about...
Ah. It's not quite right, is it, David?
I feel like maybe I wanna try
a couple stabby motions as well.
Uh, yeah. Yeah, that's great.
I'm loving all this.
You noodling and everything.
Quick thing. I'm worried about the time.
David, I'm moving as fast as I can.
It's not my fault these watermelons
don't explode like real heads.
I can get you real heads.
Not human.
- That's commitment.
- Jo, please don't get him heads.
Human or otherwise. What
are you even doing out there?
- I'm assisting Ian.
- You're my assistant. Assist me.
- David, what's going on?
- Unbelievable.
What is happening?
Well, my assistant is emasculating
me in front of the entire team,
- that's what's happening.
- No, no, I mean in... You know what?
- Ian.
- Hey, Poppy!
- What are you doing?
- Good news.
I have turned the shovel into a
weapon, so now it's a dual-purpose.
This is something that people
are gonna buy. Check this out.
It's not quite right, but I'm close.
I just, I'm not sure if it's
like a... if it should be a...
Maybe it's an uppercut motion?
Yeah, no, I don't want
the shovel to kill people.
I just want it to dig.
"Dig"? Do you have any idea what the TTP
on an item like this is gonna be?
- Yeah, it's gonna be like...
- "TTP", guys, is "time to penis".
It's the time it takes for a player
to use a new item to make a penis.
Yes, I know what TTP is.
Yeah, David, stop mansplaining.
They're not gonna make dicks, Ian.
You give the public a
shovel, they dig dicks.
You give them a pen, they draw dicks.
You give them some clay...
Definitely gonna sculpt dicks.
Ian, would you please tell my
assistant to get into the booth.
I don't tell women what to do.
I allow them to make their own choices.
- Thank you.
- Yeah, absolutely.
Ian, they're not gonna
turn them into dicks.
I'm gonna actually put a
limiter on it so they can't.
Shovel with rules. That's really cool.
Yeah, let's put as many
rules in the game as we can.
That's super fun.
Can you tell him not to
turn it into a weapon?
- David, David, David.
- I can't tell them to do anything.
Poppy.
Why are we all here?
Oh, my God, he's gonna give a speech.
You are not just denying
us an opportunity to play.
You are also denying that
eight-year-old boy. And I just think...
She turned me into the gnome, didn't
she? Turn me back to the knight.
- David, don't.
- David, switch me back.
- David, don't.
- David, switch me back.
- No.
- David.
- David.
- Switch me back, David.
- David. David! David, no.
- Switch me back please, David!
I feel like I'm in the middle
of my parents' divorce again.
And I'm forced to take sides.
I know what you're gonna say. It's
my job to take sides. I'm the boss.
But it's like all these creative types,
they make me feel like I'm not the boss.
And maybe that's because my mom
told me I'm not creative or talented,
and my dad was too
drunk to stand up to her.
Oh, God, I don't know what to do.
Would you just please
tell me what to do, Carol?
I don't know, David,
because I'm not a therapist.
This is Human Resources.
Right, right.
But maybe you could just help me out?
Okay, okay. What's
your management style?
Well... I'd say I'm kinda like
a conductor of an orchestra.
I don't know how to play an instrument
and I don't understand music,
but it's like when I
wave my hands in the air,
it just kinda all comes together.
Okay, no, that's not
what a conductor does.
- Is it not?
- It is much more complicated than that.
I don't know. I've never
been to a symphony.
My mother said it was gonna make
me too soft, and then my dad agreed.
Actually, that is one thing
they always agreed about.
Oh, my God. We should get into that.
See, even saying it
I'm getting a little...
- My mom...
- David!
I think our time is up.
Hey, guys, Pootie Shoe here.
You guys know I don't like
hating, but I gotta say,
not digging this shovel.
Pootie-pun intended.
I tried to dig a dick, but it
won't let me, which is weak sauce.
You know how I feel about
people censoring my art.
Hashtag free Pootie.
Seriously, a dick? That's all
you can think of to do with it?
If I wanted to dig holes all
day, I'd fire my gardener.
Let's hope the rest of Raven's
Banquet is better than this.
It's a whole new world-building
mechanic, you piece of shit.
- Poppy. Pop-Tarts.
- What the hell, Brad?
Pootie hates the shovel.
Yeah, I saw that. Don't worry,
we got something that's
gonna get him back.
If I may? Picture it.
The hero must vanquish his enemy,
but the weapons of the
old gods are insufficient.
So he must pray upon the altar of...
Jesus, skip the story.
The story is everything,
you Neanderthal.
Now, if you please.
The hero must pray upon the
altar of Ares to send him...
"Ian's Shovel". The best
new weapon in the game.
The wood nymph is the loot
crate that gets them to buy it.
What happens when
this shovel is awarded?
It must leave the bosom
of this fair maiden.
Then what might the hero gaze upon?
I am so utterly and completely confused.
- Breasts.
- No. That part's clear.
I don't understand what
you want me to do with this.
Will you help us patch it?
No. 'Cause I don't want
to sell Ian's Shovel.
I want to sell my shovel.
But your shovel sucks. I think it does.
I actually don't know the
difference. But Ian didn't like it,
and he seems to have a pretty
good grip on what dorks like.
- You knew Pootie wouldn't like it.
- Yeah, of course I did.
But you knew that too, right?
You're always three steps ahead.
And you only did this to get
me to code your sexy loot crate.
Yeah. Are you still
piecing this together?
Brad, you are such an asshole.
And now you're caught up.
- I thought everyone knew.
- Yeah. I did too.
Hey, can I get a coffee?
I'm coming, Ian!
I think about you all the time.
Stupid stuff like the way you
chew on your braids sometimes.
And then I catch you and
you get embarrassed and...
But it's the cutest
thing I've ever seen.
And I know this is totally crazy...
but I think you feel something too.
So this is me asking you...
if you feel the same.
I don't know. Do you think that'll work?
- I don't know.
- This is your thing, isn't it?
You're Human Resources.
You're supposed to help with
work-related personal problems.
Dear God, you work with this person?
Yeah, Dana. She's in Testing with
me. She's got, like, long hair.
No. I don't wanna
know. I should not know.
Why? Are you gonna rat me out?
If I rat you out, it would be to me.
I'm starting to think nobody in
this office understands what I do.
Carol. Are you already in a session?
- No, actually.
- Sorry.
I was just feeling kinda depressed.
That's okay. I'll come back. It's cool.
No. Do not come back.
It's not her.
Okay. Thank you for coming.
I have called an emergency meeting
because I have noticed a
lot of abuse in this office.
Oh, no. Has someone been harassed?
Yeah, David. Me.
You are all abusing the
office of Human Resources.
Carol, do we have to do this right now?
We are in the middle of a shovel crisis.
Actually, Carol, I
think I have a fix for Ian.
We're gonna take your shovel
and we're gonna put it
into a sexy new loot crate.
Poppy's already on board.
No, no. Carol, I am
not coding his whore.
- Guys, I called this meeting...
- Carol, she's not a whore.
She's a nubile, young wood nympho
with a really complex backstory.
- C.W.?
- If I may...
No, you may not.
- Carol, my apologies.
- Sure.
They get a little unwieldy.
You have to rein them in.
- I have an idea.
- I'm sorry.
Carol, why are the testers here?
Because we have ideas
too. Great ideas, actually.
Well, Dana has all the
good ideas, to be honest.
No. No, I don't. No.
Great. The brand-new
employees have ideas
on how to improve our
billion-dollar enterprise.
Jo, make sure you get all this down.
- Lay 'em on us.
- See? He wants to hear.
- I don't wanna...
- "Testers overstepped their bounds".
I do have an idea.
The whore thing is a
little weird, I think.
Preposterous.
I will not sit here and take
notes from this jumped-up popinjay.
- I am the head writer.
- You're like 80, man.
Hey, hey. Have some respect, tester.
The man won a Nebula Award.
That was 1973.
You met him at a state fair when
he was selling rotisserie chickens.
- Also award-winning.
- The man's a dual threat.
Guys, if we could,
just for one second...
I'm sorry. This guy
sleeps in the office.
Only when he drinks too much, Carol.
Which is every day. I'm
pretty sure he lives here.
That's not true, is it?
Carol, to understand my present,
you must also understand my past.
Albania, 1939...
No! No more fucking backstory!
I'm sorry. I'm a little on edge.
We should code lock,
let QA do final verification, and
then just release the shovel as is.
David, the shovel is
not ready as is, okay?
I just need a little bit more time...
Expansion goes live on Monday.
It's Friday at 5:00 p.m.
He's gonna ask you to push it.
No, he's not. He actually promised me
he wasn't gonna ask me
to push the expansion.
David, I'm going to ask
you to push the expansion.
What? No. No, no. No, you
said there was enough time.
You said we had this. You
promised me you wouldn't push it.
There isn't. We don't. And I lied.
- You're fucking me.
- Yes.
- You're fucking me.
- But I'm not enjoying it.
- It's for the game.
- I knew this was gonna happen.
- It doesn't make me feel better.
- You are a dick.
- You're a dick!
- Oh, my...
Jo, please. Thank you.
I don't need your help.
David, Poppy is being a dick, okay?
The expansion is not ready.
It needs to be pushed.
- Just a little bit, then I got it.
- It does not need to be pushed.
- No. David, do not push it.
- Just a little bit.
- Not a little bit, not at all.
- Just a little bit.
- Do not push it.
- Push it. Push it.
- Push the expansion.
- Do not push it.
David, if you don't make
a goddamn decision...
Okay, I choose Mom! Poppy.
- Shit, "I choose Poppy" is what I meant.
- Yes!
Ian, I know you're the visionary,
but I am the executive producer,
and I'm gonna make an
executive decision.
The code is locked. Everybody, go home!
Fine! You know what? You wanna
ruin the game? Don't trust me.
What do I know about the game?
I don't know anything about
the game. I'm only the creator.
"Ian exudes masculinity".
You made the right decision,
David. You did a good thing.
Thanks, Mom. Poppy.
- Meeting adjourned.
- Whoo!
We did it. We locked Raven's Banquet.
This calls for a drink.
Okay.
No, no, no! I need more blood.
No! No.
Shit. Shit!
What are you doing?
- I'm working.
- Yeah, I know.
I got an alert from the
version control system
that someone was butchering my code.
Cool, thanks, Pop! Thanks for coming in!
Why couldn't you just let
me have this one thing?
I appreciate all the help!
That's all I wanted.
I just wanted one
thing in the whole game
that I could point to
and say, "That's mine".
- Seriously?
- That's it.
Poppy, the entire game is yours.
You're the one that built it.
I built your vision.
It's like you're this
brilliant painter...
Yes.
Just let me finish my...
You're this brilliant painter...
Okay.
... and I'm your favorite brush.
I'm just, like, some tool that
you use to create your masterpiece.
I like that metaphor,
but it's not quite right, is it?
I think if you...
Are you seriously about to
noodle on my metaphor right now?
- What's the paint in that scenario?
- Could you just listen to what I'm saying?
Do you have any idea
how frustrating that is?
All right. Okay. You're
right. You're right.
Poppy, you're right. You're right. Look.
In that... somewhat flawed metaphor,
you are both the painter and the brush.
I'm just the guy who stands behind
you and tells you what to paint.
But you're the one that
actually makes it happen.
I wish I could do that,
but I can't. I need you.
And that makes me so
frustrated, but I do it anyway
because it's what makes the game
better, and that's all that matters.
I just know that this thing can
be the coolest item in the game,
and they will love it.
I don't know why I know that. I just do.
Start by adding an acceleration
curve on the front end
to get a weightier swing.
Pop the big motors on with
smaller pulses at the finish,
so you get that, like, crunch sensation.
And boost the initial velocity
of the blood particles at impact.
And that'll make it cooler?
Yeah, that'll make it cooler.
And they will love it.
I don't know how I know that.
- I just... Hold on.
- Great. Awesome.
- Let's get to work on it immediately.
- I was gonna do the "I just do".
- I know what you were gonna say.
- It was gonna be really cool.
- We're running out of time here.
- You never let me have my moment.
Pootie, Pootie, Pootie... Shoe.
Reviews.
All right, guys.
As you know, Raven's
Banquet dropped this morning.
You best believe your boy spent
all day in his PJs just
bombing that joint.
First off, I have to say...
thanks to Rager Body Mist
for keeping your Pootie smelling fresh
and his parents' mortgage paid in full.
Rager. Smell the rage.
Come on, you little piece of shit.
But let me get real with you guys.
You know my love for
Mythic Quest runs deep.
So this statement that I'm about
to lay down is really, really heavy.
Raven's Banquet...
is a straight-up masterpiece.
Oh, my God!
Yes!
The thing that I love most...
is the shovel.
These guys just always
find a way to surprise me.
Exploding people's heads with
this thing is straight fire.
Pure crunch, man.
Now, let's make it official.
Shut up, shut up, shut up!
He's giving the rating.
He's giving the rating.
Four B-holes.
Ha!
Four B-holes! Four B-holes!
Four, four, four B-holes.
Four B-holes! Ha!
Four B-holes!
Are those buttholes?
Yeah. So, he has this
butthole rating system.
Anything above two is exceptional.
This job is so weird.
Yeah. Isn't it the greatest?
Yep. It's the greatest.
I'm gonna play this game forever.
I'm so sorry I'm late.
Traffic was a nightmare.
- What's up?
- We got four buttholes.
Dear God.
I took a lover in Guam
once. She had three.
But four...
... that's the dream.
- What?
- Huh?
Hey, expansion's a hit.
Reddit, Steam, Kotaku, all positive,
and we're selling thousands
of shovels every hour.
Biggest item in the
game. So congrats to you.
Or to Ian. Whichever of you won.
I can't keep track anymore,
and I don't really care.
- It's both of us. Both of us won.
- Great.
Where is he?
Well, you have done it again.
You have turned my vision
into a reality, and I could
not be more proud.
But, of course, I could not
have done this without my muse.
My partner, really.
You may have seen her around
the office these last few days
a little worse for wear,
but I can tell you that
I never lost faith in her.
In fact, I wanna bring
her up here. Where is she?
Get up there, Pop.
He's talking about the shovel.
The shovel! There she is. Heyo!
- Hell yeah!
- Sweet!
To the shovel!
To Mythic Quest!
Ian. Ian. Ian.
Some may say it's just a video game.
When it first debuted, MQ
was hailed as a masterpiece.
Now played in 20 different
countries on six continents,
it's the biggest massive multiplayer
role-playing game of all time.
But in such a fickle industry
where fortunes can turn
and titans fall...
... they must stay relevant.
And today, they find
themselves on the precipice
of their most important
event since launch.
Their first major expansion,
Mythic Quest: Raven's Banquet.
And it all falls on the
shoulders of one man.
Creative Director Ian Grimm.
When I first created MQ, my
intention wasn't to just build a game.
I wanted to build a world.
And Raven's Banquet is the
next step into that world.
Of course, one person
cannot do this alone.
It takes thousands of people to keep
a world like this up and running.
People like Executive
Producer David Brittlesbee...
Lead Engineer Poppy Li.
People like Brad Bakshi,
Head of Monetization.
One thing MQ has that
no other game can boast
is a Nebula Award-winning
writer, C.W. Longbottom.
At your service.
But it all eventually
must funnel through
the vision of its creator.
And he dreams big.
When we think about
cultural touchstones,
we think ET, Star Wars, Avatar,
and yet our industry dwarfs the
traditional entertainment business.
So when we think about legends...
why not think, Mythic Quest?
True, indeed.
And when we think of visionary,
world-building artists,
instead of just Spielberg,
Lucas, and Cameron,
why not think...
Grimm?
I'm sorry, I gotta stop. What is this?
- It's a commercial for the game.
- It's a commercial for you.
- It's still going.
- Shh, shh, shh.
Oh, my God.
I think it's brilliant.
One new continent, over a
thousand new playable items,
all built on the most robust
code base in the history of MMOs.
I don't mean to toot my own horn here,
but my team and I have built
something remarkable, so...
Raven's Banquet is ready to launch!
- All right! Incredible.
- Thank you.
Absolutely stunning, Poppy. This
expansion is going to blow them away.
But are we sure that we're finished?
I think it's finished. We've been
on it for two years. It's perfect.
No, it's like we're almost
there, we're almost perfect.
- Where did you get that?
- I have my own.
Nobody remembers "almost
perfect", do they?
It's like... Oh. This.
Okay, now what's this, Pop?
That's a shovel.
It's just a little MTX
item I designed for myself.
The whole game's your
vision. I thought that the...
Right, it's just that
something's off about it.
Right? Like it's not entirely...
cool.
"Cool"? "Cool".
No, it is cool though,
because it provides an entirely
new game mechanic: digging.
The players can now literally
change the landscape of the game.
- Pop, no one's gonna buy that.
- If I may?
Maybe the shovel needs a backstory.
Who birthed this mysterious terra-spade?
The gods themselves?
Did they suckle at the bosom of Hera
like babes at their mother's teat?
- That's pretty good.
- Yeah, teats I can sell. Let's do that.
Let's not. Let's not do teats.
Accounting's on three,
Marketing's on two,
Tech Support's on six,
and this... this is
where the magic happens.
All the dev team heads are here
and, well, I oversee it all.
- Whoa. Is that your office?
- Hmm?
Uh, no. No, it's not. That's
Ian's. He's creative director.
Why's it so much higher
than everyone else's?
No, it's not that much higher.
It's an architectural
anomaly, that's all.
And the most powerful person doesn't
always have the biggest office, Jo.
In fact, I'm not the most
powerful person at this company.
This whole studio is owned by a
parent conglomerate in Montréal.
You know what?
You're gonna kinda learn about all this
at the staff meeting in a few minutes.
Speaking of which, as my assistant,
I'm gonna need you to
take copious notes because,
you see, the staff meeting is, well,
it's a crucial part of
how this place runs,
and I'm at the head of it all.
- Is that the meeting you're talking about?
- Hmm?
Uh, no. No, that can't be because
they wouldn't do it without me.
Why are they all meeting without me?
But it's my thing.
It's just my one thing.
Don't leave. Meeting's not over.
Hey, guys? Are you having
a staff meeting in here?
No, actually, we just finished up.
- Who's this?
- Oh, uh...
This is Jo. She's my new
assistant. Jo, this is the team.
Hi.
Hello. Uh, okay, well, if that's it...
Ian wants to change my
shovel and delay the launch.
"Delay the launch"? No, Ian,
on time and on budget, remember?
Poppy, what's the name of the first
game you ever fell in love with?
- Contra.
- New girl, go.
- Grand Theft Auto.
- Brutal. I love it.
David?
I've always been partial to Ms.
Pac-Man, but I don't see why that...
Everybody has that game
that they fell in love with
because they make an impact.
Those games were somebody's legacy.
This is my legacy.
- Our legacy.
- Our legacy. Whatever.
It's not my legacy.
We have a couple more days
until code lock, right?
So just let me noodle. Just let
me noodle on this one little thing.
- Just let me noodle. Let me noodle.
- You used the word again.
You used the "noodle" word.
When you use the noodle word,
I start to get worried.
David, I promise you I will not
ask you to push the expansion.
I like her. She's gonna do
all right. Meeting adjourned?
- Meeting adjourned. Yeah.
- Great.
Man, they're having another
meeting without us? Such bullshit.
Why don't they want our opinions?
We only play this game 24 hours a day.
I know, isn't it great?
Yeah, it's great, but it's just like
we're worth so much more than just
logging bugs all day, you know?
Come on, Rachel. We've only been
working here for like six months.
Yeah, but, I mean, you just
have so many great ideas.
- I feel like they should hear them.
- I do?
Yeah. There was one
you had the other day.
It was, like, about increasing
the hill trolls' kick radius.
Oh.
You have a really good memory.
Thank you.
Your ideas are just
really good. So are you.
Need my shit.
Mmm. Mmm.
You should probably get back
to work, because, you know,
they track our eyeballs.
Oh, sure, sure. Yeah.
That's a good idea.
Yeah, take that, you little bitch.
This is the best job I've ever had.
Yeah.
Brad, I need your help. I wanna
leak the shovel to Polygon.
And then when all the critics
love it, which they will,
they'll write about it, and then
Ian won't be able to change it.
Very Machiavellian. I'm impressed.
Well, you know, I'm always
thinking three steps ahead.
What, "three steps ahead"?
Hey, that's a lot of steps.
- Yeah, I'll go you one step...
- Don't get any closer.
Sorry. I'm gonna tweak the haptic
feedback so that when you hit the...
I don't really care about any of that.
All right, I'm in on your plot, okay?
But if you want people to like
your shovel, forget the critics.
There's only one person
you need to appeal to.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
- Not...
- Mm-hmm.
- Pootie Shoe?
- Pootie Shoe.
- Pootie, Pootie, Pootie... Shoe.
- Shoe.
Hey, guys! This is Pootie Shoe.
Wanna say hello to all my
Pootie-cuties and my Pootie-dudies,
and of course all of my
LGBTQ Pootie-fruities.
- Oh, I hate Pootie Shoe.
- Yeah, he's a real piece of shit.
But he's a piece of shit with
over ten million followers,
so if he likes your
shovel, you're good to go.
Yeah, yeah, but he's a 14-year-old boy.
Do you think he's really gonna
understand the subtle nuances?
Fourteen-year-olds these days are
much more savvy than you think.
- Your shovel's incredible, right?
- Yeah, absolutely.
- Then Pootie's your man.
- Can you wrap it up?
Mom, what the fuck? I'm streaming, Mom.
Okay, well, can't
you just pause it or...
No, I can't pause it. It's in front of
ten million fucking people right now.
- All right then.
- Get out. Scram!
- Boy.
- Get the fuck out!
You're trying to act important
in front of all your friends.
I get it. Okay.
Hi, sorry about that.
That was not chill.
Um, my mom can be a little
bit frustrating sometimes,
but overall, she's a great employee,
and she is a great mom as well.
Dig, dig, dig, dig. Do you get my point?
The shovel's just kinda boring,
but there is something here.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
What do you think about...
Ah. It's not quite right, is it, David?
I feel like maybe I wanna try
a couple stabby motions as well.
Uh, yeah. Yeah, that's great.
I'm loving all this.
You noodling and everything.
Quick thing. I'm worried about the time.
David, I'm moving as fast as I can.
It's not my fault these watermelons
don't explode like real heads.
I can get you real heads.
Not human.
- That's commitment.
- Jo, please don't get him heads.
Human or otherwise. What
are you even doing out there?
- I'm assisting Ian.
- You're my assistant. Assist me.
- David, what's going on?
- Unbelievable.
What is happening?
Well, my assistant is emasculating
me in front of the entire team,
- that's what's happening.
- No, no, I mean in... You know what?
- Ian.
- Hey, Poppy!
- What are you doing?
- Good news.
I have turned the shovel into a
weapon, so now it's a dual-purpose.
This is something that people
are gonna buy. Check this out.
It's not quite right, but I'm close.
I just, I'm not sure if it's
like a... if it should be a...
Maybe it's an uppercut motion?
Yeah, no, I don't want
the shovel to kill people.
I just want it to dig.
"Dig"? Do you have any idea what the TTP
on an item like this is gonna be?
- Yeah, it's gonna be like...
- "TTP", guys, is "time to penis".
It's the time it takes for a player
to use a new item to make a penis.
Yes, I know what TTP is.
Yeah, David, stop mansplaining.
They're not gonna make dicks, Ian.
You give the public a
shovel, they dig dicks.
You give them a pen, they draw dicks.
You give them some clay...
Definitely gonna sculpt dicks.
Ian, would you please tell my
assistant to get into the booth.
I don't tell women what to do.
I allow them to make their own choices.
- Thank you.
- Yeah, absolutely.
Ian, they're not gonna
turn them into dicks.
I'm gonna actually put a
limiter on it so they can't.
Shovel with rules. That's really cool.
Yeah, let's put as many
rules in the game as we can.
That's super fun.
Can you tell him not to
turn it into a weapon?
- David, David, David.
- I can't tell them to do anything.
Poppy.
Why are we all here?
Oh, my God, he's gonna give a speech.
You are not just denying
us an opportunity to play.
You are also denying that
eight-year-old boy. And I just think...
She turned me into the gnome, didn't
she? Turn me back to the knight.
- David, don't.
- David, switch me back.
- David, don't.
- David, switch me back.
- No.
- David.
- David.
- Switch me back, David.
- David. David! David, no.
- Switch me back please, David!
I feel like I'm in the middle
of my parents' divorce again.
And I'm forced to take sides.
I know what you're gonna say. It's
my job to take sides. I'm the boss.
But it's like all these creative types,
they make me feel like I'm not the boss.
And maybe that's because my mom
told me I'm not creative or talented,
and my dad was too
drunk to stand up to her.
Oh, God, I don't know what to do.
Would you just please
tell me what to do, Carol?
I don't know, David,
because I'm not a therapist.
This is Human Resources.
Right, right.
But maybe you could just help me out?
Okay, okay. What's
your management style?
Well... I'd say I'm kinda like
a conductor of an orchestra.
I don't know how to play an instrument
and I don't understand music,
but it's like when I
wave my hands in the air,
it just kinda all comes together.
Okay, no, that's not
what a conductor does.
- Is it not?
- It is much more complicated than that.
I don't know. I've never
been to a symphony.
My mother said it was gonna make
me too soft, and then my dad agreed.
Actually, that is one thing
they always agreed about.
Oh, my God. We should get into that.
See, even saying it
I'm getting a little...
- My mom...
- David!
I think our time is up.
Hey, guys, Pootie Shoe here.
You guys know I don't like
hating, but I gotta say,
not digging this shovel.
Pootie-pun intended.
I tried to dig a dick, but it
won't let me, which is weak sauce.
You know how I feel about
people censoring my art.
Hashtag free Pootie.
Seriously, a dick? That's all
you can think of to do with it?
If I wanted to dig holes all
day, I'd fire my gardener.
Let's hope the rest of Raven's
Banquet is better than this.
It's a whole new world-building
mechanic, you piece of shit.
- Poppy. Pop-Tarts.
- What the hell, Brad?
Pootie hates the shovel.
Yeah, I saw that. Don't worry,
we got something that's
gonna get him back.
If I may? Picture it.
The hero must vanquish his enemy,
but the weapons of the
old gods are insufficient.
So he must pray upon the altar of...
Jesus, skip the story.
The story is everything,
you Neanderthal.
Now, if you please.
The hero must pray upon the
altar of Ares to send him...
"Ian's Shovel". The best
new weapon in the game.
The wood nymph is the loot
crate that gets them to buy it.
What happens when
this shovel is awarded?
It must leave the bosom
of this fair maiden.
Then what might the hero gaze upon?
I am so utterly and completely confused.
- Breasts.
- No. That part's clear.
I don't understand what
you want me to do with this.
Will you help us patch it?
No. 'Cause I don't want
to sell Ian's Shovel.
I want to sell my shovel.
But your shovel sucks. I think it does.
I actually don't know the
difference. But Ian didn't like it,
and he seems to have a pretty
good grip on what dorks like.
- You knew Pootie wouldn't like it.
- Yeah, of course I did.
But you knew that too, right?
You're always three steps ahead.
And you only did this to get
me to code your sexy loot crate.
Yeah. Are you still
piecing this together?
Brad, you are such an asshole.
And now you're caught up.
- I thought everyone knew.
- Yeah. I did too.
Hey, can I get a coffee?
I'm coming, Ian!
I think about you all the time.
Stupid stuff like the way you
chew on your braids sometimes.
And then I catch you and
you get embarrassed and...
But it's the cutest
thing I've ever seen.
And I know this is totally crazy...
but I think you feel something too.
So this is me asking you...
if you feel the same.
I don't know. Do you think that'll work?
- I don't know.
- This is your thing, isn't it?
You're Human Resources.
You're supposed to help with
work-related personal problems.
Dear God, you work with this person?
Yeah, Dana. She's in Testing with
me. She's got, like, long hair.
No. I don't wanna
know. I should not know.
Why? Are you gonna rat me out?
If I rat you out, it would be to me.
I'm starting to think nobody in
this office understands what I do.
Carol. Are you already in a session?
- No, actually.
- Sorry.
I was just feeling kinda depressed.
That's okay. I'll come back. It's cool.
No. Do not come back.
It's not her.
Okay. Thank you for coming.
I have called an emergency meeting
because I have noticed a
lot of abuse in this office.
Oh, no. Has someone been harassed?
Yeah, David. Me.
You are all abusing the
office of Human Resources.
Carol, do we have to do this right now?
We are in the middle of a shovel crisis.
Actually, Carol, I
think I have a fix for Ian.
We're gonna take your shovel
and we're gonna put it
into a sexy new loot crate.
Poppy's already on board.
No, no. Carol, I am
not coding his whore.
- Guys, I called this meeting...
- Carol, she's not a whore.
She's a nubile, young wood nympho
with a really complex backstory.
- C.W.?
- If I may...
No, you may not.
- Carol, my apologies.
- Sure.
They get a little unwieldy.
You have to rein them in.
- I have an idea.
- I'm sorry.
Carol, why are the testers here?
Because we have ideas
too. Great ideas, actually.
Well, Dana has all the
good ideas, to be honest.
No. No, I don't. No.
Great. The brand-new
employees have ideas
on how to improve our
billion-dollar enterprise.
Jo, make sure you get all this down.
- Lay 'em on us.
- See? He wants to hear.
- I don't wanna...
- "Testers overstepped their bounds".
I do have an idea.
The whore thing is a
little weird, I think.
Preposterous.
I will not sit here and take
notes from this jumped-up popinjay.
- I am the head writer.
- You're like 80, man.
Hey, hey. Have some respect, tester.
The man won a Nebula Award.
That was 1973.
You met him at a state fair when
he was selling rotisserie chickens.
- Also award-winning.
- The man's a dual threat.
Guys, if we could,
just for one second...
I'm sorry. This guy
sleeps in the office.
Only when he drinks too much, Carol.
Which is every day. I'm
pretty sure he lives here.
That's not true, is it?
Carol, to understand my present,
you must also understand my past.
Albania, 1939...
No! No more fucking backstory!
I'm sorry. I'm a little on edge.
We should code lock,
let QA do final verification, and
then just release the shovel as is.
David, the shovel is
not ready as is, okay?
I just need a little bit more time...
Expansion goes live on Monday.
It's Friday at 5:00 p.m.
He's gonna ask you to push it.
No, he's not. He actually promised me
he wasn't gonna ask me
to push the expansion.
David, I'm going to ask
you to push the expansion.
What? No. No, no. No, you
said there was enough time.
You said we had this. You
promised me you wouldn't push it.
There isn't. We don't. And I lied.
- You're fucking me.
- Yes.
- You're fucking me.
- But I'm not enjoying it.
- It's for the game.
- I knew this was gonna happen.
- It doesn't make me feel better.
- You are a dick.
- You're a dick!
- Oh, my...
Jo, please. Thank you.
I don't need your help.
David, Poppy is being a dick, okay?
The expansion is not ready.
It needs to be pushed.
- Just a little bit, then I got it.
- It does not need to be pushed.
- No. David, do not push it.
- Just a little bit.
- Not a little bit, not at all.
- Just a little bit.
- Do not push it.
- Push it. Push it.
- Push the expansion.
- Do not push it.
David, if you don't make
a goddamn decision...
Okay, I choose Mom! Poppy.
- Shit, "I choose Poppy" is what I meant.
- Yes!
Ian, I know you're the visionary,
but I am the executive producer,
and I'm gonna make an
executive decision.
The code is locked. Everybody, go home!
Fine! You know what? You wanna
ruin the game? Don't trust me.
What do I know about the game?
I don't know anything about
the game. I'm only the creator.
"Ian exudes masculinity".
You made the right decision,
David. You did a good thing.
Thanks, Mom. Poppy.
- Meeting adjourned.
- Whoo!
We did it. We locked Raven's Banquet.
This calls for a drink.
Okay.
No, no, no! I need more blood.
No! No.
Shit. Shit!
What are you doing?
- I'm working.
- Yeah, I know.
I got an alert from the
version control system
that someone was butchering my code.
Cool, thanks, Pop! Thanks for coming in!
Why couldn't you just let
me have this one thing?
I appreciate all the help!
That's all I wanted.
I just wanted one
thing in the whole game
that I could point to
and say, "That's mine".
- Seriously?
- That's it.
Poppy, the entire game is yours.
You're the one that built it.
I built your vision.
It's like you're this
brilliant painter...
Yes.
Just let me finish my...
You're this brilliant painter...
Okay.
... and I'm your favorite brush.
I'm just, like, some tool that
you use to create your masterpiece.
I like that metaphor,
but it's not quite right, is it?
I think if you...
Are you seriously about to
noodle on my metaphor right now?
- What's the paint in that scenario?
- Could you just listen to what I'm saying?
Do you have any idea
how frustrating that is?
All right. Okay. You're
right. You're right.
Poppy, you're right. You're right. Look.
In that... somewhat flawed metaphor,
you are both the painter and the brush.
I'm just the guy who stands behind
you and tells you what to paint.
But you're the one that
actually makes it happen.
I wish I could do that,
but I can't. I need you.
And that makes me so
frustrated, but I do it anyway
because it's what makes the game
better, and that's all that matters.
I just know that this thing can
be the coolest item in the game,
and they will love it.
I don't know why I know that. I just do.
Start by adding an acceleration
curve on the front end
to get a weightier swing.
Pop the big motors on with
smaller pulses at the finish,
so you get that, like, crunch sensation.
And boost the initial velocity
of the blood particles at impact.
And that'll make it cooler?
Yeah, that'll make it cooler.
And they will love it.
I don't know how I know that.
- I just... Hold on.
- Great. Awesome.
- Let's get to work on it immediately.
- I was gonna do the "I just do".
- I know what you were gonna say.
- It was gonna be really cool.
- We're running out of time here.
- You never let me have my moment.
Pootie, Pootie, Pootie... Shoe.
Reviews.
All right, guys.
As you know, Raven's
Banquet dropped this morning.
You best believe your boy spent
all day in his PJs just
bombing that joint.
First off, I have to say...
thanks to Rager Body Mist
for keeping your Pootie smelling fresh
and his parents' mortgage paid in full.
Rager. Smell the rage.
Come on, you little piece of shit.
But let me get real with you guys.
You know my love for
Mythic Quest runs deep.
So this statement that I'm about
to lay down is really, really heavy.
Raven's Banquet...
is a straight-up masterpiece.
Oh, my God!
Yes!
The thing that I love most...
is the shovel.
These guys just always
find a way to surprise me.
Exploding people's heads with
this thing is straight fire.
Pure crunch, man.
Now, let's make it official.
Shut up, shut up, shut up!
He's giving the rating.
He's giving the rating.
Four B-holes.
Ha!
Four B-holes! Four B-holes!
Four, four, four B-holes.
Four B-holes! Ha!
Four B-holes!
Are those buttholes?
Yeah. So, he has this
butthole rating system.
Anything above two is exceptional.
This job is so weird.
Yeah. Isn't it the greatest?
Yep. It's the greatest.
I'm gonna play this game forever.
I'm so sorry I'm late.
Traffic was a nightmare.
- What's up?
- We got four buttholes.
Dear God.
I took a lover in Guam
once. She had three.
But four...
... that's the dream.
- What?
- Huh?
Hey, expansion's a hit.
Reddit, Steam, Kotaku, all positive,
and we're selling thousands
of shovels every hour.
Biggest item in the
game. So congrats to you.
Or to Ian. Whichever of you won.
I can't keep track anymore,
and I don't really care.
- It's both of us. Both of us won.
- Great.
Where is he?
Well, you have done it again.
You have turned my vision
into a reality, and I could
not be more proud.
But, of course, I could not
have done this without my muse.
My partner, really.
You may have seen her around
the office these last few days
a little worse for wear,
but I can tell you that
I never lost faith in her.
In fact, I wanna bring
her up here. Where is she?
Get up there, Pop.
He's talking about the shovel.
The shovel! There she is. Heyo!
- Hell yeah!
- Sweet!
To the shovel!
To Mythic Quest!
Ian. Ian. Ian.