Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999): Season 4, Episode 15 - Teenage Caveman - full transcript

♪ In the not-too-distant future

♪ Next Sunday, AD

♪ There was a guy named Joel

♪ Not too different
from you or me

♪ He worked at
Gizmonic Institute

♪ Just another face in
a red jumpsuit

♪ He did a good job
cleaning up the place

♪ But his bosses didn't like him

♪ So they shot him into space

♪ We'll send him cheesy movies

♪ The worst we can find

♪ La la la

♪ He'll have to sit and
watch them all

♪ And we'll monitor his mind

♪ La la la

♪ Now keep in mind Joel
can't control

♪ Where the movies begin or end

♪ Because he used those
special parts

♪ To make his robot friends

♪ Robot Roll Call

♪ Cambot

♪ Gypsy

Hey girl.

♪ Tom Servo

What a cool guy.

♪ Crow

♪ If you're wondering how he
eats and breathes

- ♪ And other science
facts - La la la!

♪ Then repeat to yourself,
it's just a show

♪ I should really just relax

♪ For Mystery Science
Theater 3000

Thousand one, thousand two,
thousand three.

- Thousand... - Hm.

- Must be about two miles.
- Yep, yep, yep.

Right over Centerville.

I am so utterly bored
out of my dome.

Yep.

Yep, there is nothing to do.

Pretty much.

Yep, yep, yepper
pepper doodly doo.

Rainy rainer rain, it's
a-rainin' on Jane,

it's a plain bane Citizen Kane,

lum dee dum bang bang bang
bang bang bang.

Oh, sorry.

[Magic Voice]: 30 seconds to
commercial sign.

Why don't you boys play
Hungry Hungry Hippos?

You like that.

Oh, we lost all the marbles.

Hey Magic Voice, I don't
suppose you know

where our Mouse Trap game is,
do you?

I didn't play with it last.

The pieces are missing anyway.

Why don't you play a nice
game of Monopoly?

Too long.

How about your Hot Wheels set?

Busted.

Play a nice game of Rack-o.

Boring.

Well then, why don't
you read a book?

Oh, no way.

Well, I don't know what you're
going to do then.

It's commercial sign in
five seconds.

Damn, maybe we could
play some poker?

Yeah, I suppose.

Poker, what's poker?

Poker, yeah!

[fun futuristic music]

Okay, the game is grey lady up
and down the river,

spit in the ocean,

bullets, deuces and
one-eyed jacks are wild.

It's to you, Tommy.

You know I love the way Felix
makes these sandwiches

with the crusts off, they're
really delicious!

What is with the sandwiches?

Are you in or out?

Okay, I'm in, I'm in!

Gypsy?

Gypsy, just tell him
what you wanna do

and keep your poker face.

[squeals]

Okay, let's see, what to do,
what to do?

[singing loudly]

Oh, I fold!

I fold too.

Oh, Gypsy, you wrecked it, you
had a great hand.

Oh, now the unholy
oppressors are calling.

I think you'd better fold your
little card party,

Murray the cop,

and make with this week's
Invention Exchange!

Right away, Il Duce.

Anyway, our invention this week
is something we all came up with

together and Crow's gonna
set the stage.

Okay, so you're sittin' around
on, say, Tuesday night,

and you suddenly realize that
the quart of apple juice

you just downed was
actually a bottle

of janitor-in-a-drawer!

And you're going to need to
induce vomiting right now.

Right.

But you've had it up to here
with the same old

warm saltwater ipecac.

Right, so we all got together
and wrote this book.

The Children's Wonderer book of
Rainy Day Ipecacs.

Yeah, okay, here's mine.

- Okay. - Chocolate milk.

All right, I'm pouring.

And then pour that over
into pickle juice!

Okay, and then pickle juice goes
in there like that.

That'll do it, that's strong.

Okay, mine, you take those
circus peanuts there,

add a quart of warm
strawberry Quik,

and a punch in the stomach,
that'll do the trick!

Okay, well here's mine.

Lucky Charms covered with
cherry Nyquil.

Oh, that's good ipecac!

How about blue
cheese on a steak?

With a steak garnish.

Like that, see?

Well here's something I
came up with.

How about a Snickers bar
with honey mustard?

That tears it.

Oh, wow.

What do you think, sirs?

Well hey, I'm having the blue
cheese coke slurpee.

Frank, no!

Well what's an ipecac, anyway?

Just get this week's
Invention Exchange, Frank!

Okay, Steve.

This week's Invention
Exchange is going

to blow your little mind,
warthog.

It's the culmination of
my life's work.

It's the essence of evil, and
it's a good friend.

Out, out, out, out!

I'm doing the Invention
Exchange this week.

I don't think so, Roy.

It's my idea, I do the
Invention Exchange.

I spent all night working
on that bad boy.

I'm doing the Invention
Exchange this week.

Take the train.

Just about had it, smart boy.

Oh, yeah? [laughs maniacally]

I'm gonna cut you, man.

I'm gonna cut you, that's right.

Yeah?

'Cause you're bad, man.

Yeah, you want a piece of me?

- Yeah, I do! - Come on!

I'm gonna cut you a second
smile, daddy-o!

Come on!

I don't think so.

Come on Jackson, come on sweet
cakes, bring it on!

You're gonna cut me?

- No, you're not gonna cut me! -
I'm gonna cut you bad!

What in the sam scratch is
going on down there?

I don't know but I
don't like it.

Not one bit.

Send him the movie, Frank!

No way, no way!

I'm looking at a dead man,
a dead man!

Send him the movie!

I'm not gonna send
him the movie!

Send him the movie!

I'm not sending him the movie!

Your movie this week, Joel,
is Teenage Caveman.

Send him the movie!

I'm not gonna send
him the movie!

I'm not sending it!

[bangs]

[buzzing]

Oh, we got movie sign!

Amniotic lizards, what?

Oh, Aquatic Lizards.

Hey, it's the go-gos!

Pretty girls like a
pretty picture.

[whistles] Skiing ostriches.

But where sky and water meet,

you'll find water tournaments.

All right, keep 'em up,
gimme your money.

Together, these spell
aquatic wizardry.

That would never work
in Scrabble.

And here at Cypress Garden,
Florida.

Young Nazis are led.

The only requirement is
ability to swim.

In four-inch heels.

This part of the curriculum

is called the ground school.

Oh, sign me up for that.

Learn proper posture
and balance.

[whistles] Good, you
know it's good.

All this and school, too?

But don't get me wrong.

These ski schoolmarms not only
teach waterskiing,

but are proficient in swimming,
modeling and acting.

And they really wanna direct.

The first water dance is
always exciting.

There are no ringers here.

This is positively the first
trial in water for this bunch.

So you know they're
bound to fail!

Wait, wait, I lost my trunks,
oh!

Mass instruction works best,

because the kids have
less tendency

to allow their feet to spread.

Huh?

Here's the teacher,
Chad Slab-body.

Hello, Chad.

Once the faces take
on confidence

as the kids gain experience.

And the boat gains speed.

Almost anyone from six
to 60 can learn

to do this well after a
one-hour lesson.

Happy landings are easy too.

You simply drop the rope and
glide for shallow water

until your momentum runs out.

What's molentum?

A rough-house is good for
young water skiers.

It inspires relaxation.

Uh, that's a bad touch, Chad.

Forget about lifejackets,
this is the '50s.

The girls do equally as
well as the boys.

All right.

And here's Chad's girlfriend,
Connie Slab-body.

They'll be wed someday.

[cheerful music]

♪ Gee I hope I'm skiing pretty

♪ Gee I hope I get a boyfriend

♪ Gee I hope I don't get acne

♪ I'm having so much fun now

Hey, that's my mom!

Now let's watch a
senior girls' class

make a practice run.

What well-rounded lives
these girls must lead!

It's the waterskiing version

of Seven Brides For
Seven Brothers.

Our cameraman
insists it's easier

to ski downhill, but we
straightened him out.

Yeah, he's got a new career now.

Plopping sour cream on 39
cent choritos!

Hey, it's red bottoms.

Nice pins on them.

See you later, girls!

Miles from the dock and
they can't swim!

When do they start
skiing on their own?

That's hard to say.

But here's a nine year old
off board skipper

towing a seven year old skier.

He's just a beginner.

But with this kind of
concentration,

he'll develop surprising skill.

This has got litigation
written all over it.

And the incentive to stay up is,
crocodiles!

As soon as they learn to
stay on the board,

the next step is tricks.

The pyramid makes a good starter
in this department.

That would be the department

of putting things on top
of other things.

Aw thanks, feel free to dig your
heel into my groin.

Jimmy gets ahead by
stepping on his friends!

Is this okay?

Aw shut up Jimmy,
follow the boat.

Ten feet underwater, this star
will demonstrate...

[gurgling]

It looks easy, but
actually they are prone

to catching edges, which
would cause a spill.

Greater speed is needed
for this stunt.

Man, imagine what he could
do with a full set,

a full size, huh?

Here's Alfredo Mendoza,

one of the greats in
water skiing.

I know his skis.

I'm gonna sniff myself!

He doesn't need skis.

His bare feet will do nicely.

Oh, he's got webbed toes.

He says it's easy

if you don't wiggle your toes.

Am I a clown?

Do you find me amusing?

There's only one way to stop:
just let go.

Of your sensibility and
dress like a girl!

You know you want to.

This young lady is
showing us the type

of ski used for the
single ski technique.

That's Alfredo, campin' it up!

Next is the regulation
or two ski type.

It has less depth to the
fin on the bottom.

And she has less depth as well.

Hey, hey.

Oops.

And the third is
wider with no fin.

She looks fine to me.

It is used for
turning and jumping.

Hey fellas, are you listening?

It's the way she touches
that board, it's...

Single ski technique,
while different,

is just as easy to perform.

It has more grace and style.

I can see that.

Allows the skier to operate
at a wider range.

It's just a whole lot better,
okay?

Trust me!

We're sold.

Let's watch Willa McGuire.

Let's watch Willa Cather

doing her baby
schnooks impression.

Her artistry and
skill has no equal

on the aquatic hickory.

Hickory?

Oh, it's Leona Helmsley!

Taxes are for the little people.

Harry, Harry, come get me up.

I'm building the master race.

Willa tries the impossible.

A ski ballet with no
hand or foot hold.

She should be home caring
for her family,

but no, I'll do everything.

You just keep up your
little ski ballet

or whatever the heck
it is you do.

Nice.

A popular form of
modern water skiing

is sometimes called the
romantic double.

Hey, you come here often?

Hey, kick those skis off,
gimme your foot.

There you go.

Plenty of room on top,
here you go.

You are friendly, aren't you.
[chuckles]

Well, just throw that
stuff in the back,

I kind of live off my shoulders.

Wee!

Hey hey hey, get a boat.

I mean, get a room.

Now the two young lovers bask
in the afterglow.

How about a kiss?

No?

No?

Goodbye.

Hah, you're shark food now,
baby!

Oh that's nice.

Here's hoping this romantic pair

have a happier ending.

See, she's doing it!

Yeah!

They gotta watch out, this
could lead to dancing.

Bob and Connie
really enjoy life.

Hey, victory at sea, Bob.

Woo woo!

Alfredo is warming up again.

This time, it's for the jump.

He holds the world's record of
well over a hundred feet

in board jumping.

I'm bored jumping.

Let's watch him again
in slow motion.

Notice the arms do not rotate

like on snow ski jumping.

They just snap clean away!

[classical music]

Oh, all of a sudden it's Sergia
Prokofiev playing.

Thought it was Handel's Water
Music. [chuckles]

Alfredo's next is called the
helicopter spin.

He'll try to do a double spin.

It's never been done before

and it takes nerve to try.

Oh, I can do that.

Whoa.

Almost, but not quite.

Remember that agony of
defeat guy on ABC?

That was him in the
summer months.

Oh, he's summering.

This time the Mexican
jumping bean

will do a one and a half
spin on the ramp,

landing backwards and completing
the other half on water.

Now this time, the white
fascist narrator

will make a racial slur!

Oh, but what do I know?

I'm only a fat pink announcer

mowing down pretzels and
pinwheel cookies

and trying to come to grips
with the tattered ends

of a once promising life
gone horribly wrong.

God, god, why? [sobs]

It's just a movie.

Alfredo doesn't like to
get his feet wet

coming ashore.

[plane noises]

The triple straight jump
has crowd appeal.

Once more for the cameraman.

One for my baby and one more,
for the cameraman.

This is the shot he was after.

Where's the third fellow?

He's chicken, never
jumped at all.

What's this?

He's forced his way into the
announcer's booth!

What's that in his hand?

Oh no, ah!

[gun noises]

Believe it or not, even
water skiers get down

with that old bugaboo monotony.

So they choke each other
with their tow ropes.

[choking noises]

When that happens,

the boys play a little game.

They call it the
Cypress Garden weave.

[chuckles] They call it
the sure death.

Well I hope they're
all pepped up,

because I'm exhausted.

Yes, waterskiing today
is a big sport,

and here is the big sendoff
from the whole gang.

V is for Victory!

Buy war bonds where you
work or bank!

Aw.

[fun futuristic music]

[old-timey music]

♪ Come along with me

♪ Maybe then you'll see

♪ My harnesses and my nets

♪ Hey, catching trouble,
you and me

♪ Catching trouble,
baby you can't see

♪ Catching trouble and
maybe a kiss or three

[whistles]

Catching Trouble?

Hello everybody, this
is Ted Husing,

and I'm very happy to again
present Sport Light's

good friend Ross Allen

Hi, Ross!

A modern Tarzan.

Oh, he's going golfing.

Leaving his headquarters,

headed for the mysterious and
fascinating Everglades,

where he will pick up his
faithful Seminole Indian guide

to aid him in catching a
bag of trouble.

Ross also plays the part of Lil'
Abner in summer theatre.

Well he's a foley artist in
the off season.

In a log dugout canoe,

they head into the
swamp country.

Do not bring your evil here.

His daily job is
catching live animals

and reptiles for the zoos.

But at night he does Streisand

at the Bubble Room on Captiva.

Well, this is a
different assignment.

And a true depiction of
actually filling an order

he recently received.

- It said... - Kill
Colonel Kurtz.

Catch immediately one
live bobcat,

two cub black bears,

and three six-foot
diamondback rattlers.

And two hard-boiled eggs.

[squawks]

Make that three
hard-boiled eggs.

They leave the dugout

and go into the Glades afoot.

With Emo Phillips in a dress!

I was wondering if maybe I could
follow you into the woods

and maybe we could see
some animals.

Now folks, this has
all been leveled

and turned into a golf course.

Wild cat, let's go that way!

Wild cat, I think I love you,

but I wanna know for sure.

While the cat's away...

[chuckles]

Whoa.

Lens problem there.

High and dry but not as safe
as an alley cat.

[chuckles] That's a little joke
from me, Ted Husing,

in the booth.

Stay there, wild cat!

You'll soon be coming down.

Ross is no actor, as
you can see.

Talk him down, Emo.

Oops.

That's one tree he
won't climb again.

He lands on all four feet
and goes to town,

but Ross keeps his eye on him

and he's right on his heels.

You know Ross is no stranger
to raping the land.

Hey Mr. Cat, you can't do that.

Don't you know you're
wanted in Chicago?

For voting twice? [chuckles]

Up he goes, and so goes Ross.

That's a bad limb, hop to
the next one, pussy.

Hey!

[growling]

He's talking about the cat.

This is where my boyfriend
knows his stuff.

Hey Ted, you don't have to say
anything more, Ted.

If you think trying to smuggle

a fighting 35-pound wild cat
into a flour bag

as you balance yourself on a
limb is child's play,

oh ho, you've got
another guess coming.

Oh boy, yeah yowza, yes sir,
whatamatoo.

Ho ho, 23 skidoo.

Oh.

Well, he's in the bag!

And so am I, Ted Husing.

Yes, go for it!

Yay, the cat got away!

The cat escapes north through
the Underground Railroad!

And he just ripped a hunk of
skin off his inner thigh.

Say, you made a mistake
picking that tree.

I'm afraid you're out of
luck this time.

Bite me, I will prevail!

Mine is a noble race!

[growling]

Put some salt on his tail Mr.
Allen,

and don't take any more
feline back talk!

Well that's nice.

Gee.

Well it's in the bag,
and so Ross Allen

fills one third of his
day's orders.

What's next?

Hurting the people you
know and love?

Chasing rabbits on a minibike
until their hearts explode?

Order number two was
soon at hand,

and he was ready.

Sh, wait!

I hear something living.

It's a teddy bear, oh.

Bear cubs can't mess
you up much,

but they can scratch
with feeling

or take off a couple fingers if
you're not careful.

So beat him savagely!

And while Ross approaches
the young bruin,

old sour puss keeps his eyes
peeled for trouble.

Now if he can catch him by the
loose skin on his back,

he's okay.

Run!

Get away!

He gets away!

And a flying tackle
blocks the touchdown,

but he's up and off again.

He's away!

Catch him, Ross,

don't let that little
fella get away.

Come on, step on it.

Man, would I love to see
that cub's mom come

through the woods right now.

Mhm.

About six months old.

I might as well get that runt of
yours up the street.

So it's Ross two,
Everglades nothing.

Throw him down a few times,
Ross.

What are you, scared?

Come on, beat him up.

I got him.

And look, it's Alice B. Toklas.

There's another one back there.

Better go get him.

Take him on in.

Hey, and crack a window in
the canoe, Emo!

Now, my advice as a
big game hunter

is for one of you to get
out of that tree.

I know he's a little bear,

but unless you do not
choose to run, Ross,

you better get aground
and make him jump.

Though it's a cinch for me
to give advice.

Is that a bear or a monkey?

Who are you talking about?

[bear cries out]

Joel, do they do this on Earth?

Isn't this wrong?

Yeah guys, I'm deeply ashamed of
my race right now, okay?

- Bear down, bear down. -
Deservedly so.

There's nothing like
exerting your power

over helpless creatures,
is there, Ross?

This is what you get for not
being a white male.

The black twins are
tied in camp.

Ross tries to towel away the
evil, but nothing doing.

Next he's going on a panda raid.

We've got time to get
those rattlesnakes.

Bears seem to be all right.

Take this sack. Let's go.

Yeah whatever, just
give me the bag.

That's a cute guy.

Yeah.

Mischievous youngsters,
these twins.

Oh, they'd be swell playmates
for your youngster.

Oh, yeah?

If you like mauled kids.

[growling]

Oh, they upset Grizzly Adams'
stash there, look.

Wait a minute Greg, hold it.

They want us to do this!

Ross locates reptiles

by finding their
tracks in the sand.

This means business.

Slash and burn is the best way

to catch these little critters.

Hey, here's his sheds!

Two sheds?

He must be in here!

I'm going around here
to build a fire

and make it smoke to
scare him out.

You stay here.

Oh, really good read, Ross.

Rattlers seek the dark coolness

of the palmetto bushes.

Oh, don't we all.

Smoke drives them out
into the open.

Sure, the fire kills others,

but they're acceptable losses.

Six feet of deadly diamondback.

Enough to scare you out
of your skin.

Well let's not forget who the
real evil serpent is.

This is Ross' profession,

and I know he didn't learn
that in college.

No, he didn't even get out
of the fifth grade!

But I kid, Ross. [chuckles]

A shivering thrill with
the slow motion

of his strike.

But my boyfriend knows
when to side step.

Hey, he says he likes
you as a friend

but he's not your boyfriend,
okay?

Come on Ross, get a life.

Put him away, Ross, before
he changes his mind

and crawls into our camera case.

Do you hear those
rattlers rattling?

Now it's off to Neiman Marcus

to become a Paloma
Picasso handbag.

Old sour puss certainly has
a sense of humor,

eh, what?

Eh what?

You Terry Thomas all
of a sudden?

And some more rattling good fun.

Must we go on?

No!

Sorry to annoy you folks,

but we need this cute
little fellow.

Get him, snake, get him!

Snake, snake, snake, snake!

Go, snake!

Tell me when he's in the bag,
Ross.

I can't look.

I'm in the bag, Ross.

Now you've got a boat
load of live cargo.

A wild cat, three
six-foot rattlers,

and a couple of
little teddy bears.

It seems to me I'd
call it a day,

or call a taxi or something.

Or call PETA.

Well that's a day's work
for any of us,

and I think you deserve a rest.

And let's leave Emo behind.

Get out of there.

Hey look out, he's
going to jump!

Swim papillon, swim!

Fly away!

Go!

Sorry I spoke,

I thought you were all finished.

Huh?

Well it's easy to pick

catching a bear underwater.

Oh there just happened to be a
camera under the water.

Whets your appetite.

Come on Ross, drown him!

He won't try it again.

That little rascal is a
swimming fool.

[bear cries out]

Aw.

That about winds up things,

and with a break of luck,

he and his Seminole were
back at headquarters

to make ready their
order for shipping,

little caring what tomorrow's
mail would ask for.

Welcome to the penal colony
of French Guinea.

Take these cubs

and give 'em some milk.

Be careful, they've been a
lot of trouble.

We'd just like to
apologize to everyone

everywhere for this.

Yeah.

[humming]

Be it ever so humble,

there's no place like home.

Any animal caught in the wild
spends a night in the box.

Oh, here we watch Ross put a
jimmy stick under its nails.

What's he doing there?

Why couldn't he have just thrown
the bag of snakes in?

Oh hurry up Ross.

I'll be dreaming of those cute,
darling,

coy, lovable little playmates
of yours all night.

And the snakes, too.

[growling]

Please feed us!

Oh, thank you.

Hey, I hear you, friends.

Well Ross, you can
catch more trouble

than any man I know.

Well Ross, we're outta here,
personally.

We're disgusted.

I am offended deeply.

I know.

[old-timey music]

And hello again, folks.

This is your announcer,
Tom Ted Husing.

Today we bring you
another adventure

from the Satellite of Love's
Reptile Institute.

Wait, here comes Joel Robinson,

the Satellite of Love's
resident Tarzan,

defender of animal justice,

followed by his faithful
Seminole stand-up guide,

Emo Crow.

I was just wondering if.

It's a pretty good
impersonation, but too bad

this Seminole guy doesn't
have any lines,

as this is pretty
much a voiceover.

The morning mail brings a
letter from PETA.

Go out and catch the slimiest
of all creatures,

the great white Ross.

Here's the shed over here.

You go that way, I'll
go this way.

And there he is.

Whoa, watch out Joel, that
little guy's as helpless

as a baby bear cub, but he can
take a few fingers off

or give you a nasty bruise.

[laughing]

Well, it doesn't hurt
the little fella,

but boy is it fun.

Uh oh, here comes Emo,

and he's got the right idea.

[chainsaw buzzing]

And sometimes you have to be
prepared to smoke 'em out.

My boyfriend always
comes prepared.

[yells] How 'bout a little fire,
scarecrow?

Ah, no, you never said anything
about using an open flame

in this sketch!

And into the bag he goes.

[yells] No, not the bag!

You know I hate the bag!

[yells]

Once Ross is in the bag,
it's hammer time.

This isn't really important,

but after a long day
in the woods,

it's quite a rush!

Oh, no!

Hello, Mr. Rattler's here to
keep Ross company!

It's a long ride home in the
bottom of a canoe

and we don't want Ross
to get lonely.

Not the giant rattler!

I can't do that, he hates me!

We went to camp together!
[yells]

Once back in camp, Ross'
quarters are readied.

We can't take it there.

Oh no, with the rattler!

Now Ross can relax in
relative comfort

in the safety of captivity.

We leave you with this question.

If you enjoyed Catching
Trouble in any way,

there's something
wrong with you.

Any questions?

[fun futuristic music]

Yeah, we stuck it to the man!

In the beginning,
there was chaos.

Run by Bernie Kopell.

Chaos.

Oh, and then God showed up.

And a voice said, let
there be light.

Oh, this is a Biblical chalk
talk, I've seen these.

And the dark was separated
from the light.

And permanent press was
separated from cottons.

There was created the waters,
and the land.

And Charleton Heston.

And there were made the sun
to rule the day

and the moon to rule the night.

And jugglers got the rest.

Woo, good job.

You've been at the Renn Fest.

The Earth was made to bear

growing green things, and fruit.

Frogs.

Oh, this is Fantasia before
they colorized it.

The animals were created,

and they were fruitful,
and multiplied.

They all look like orphan Annie!

And then there came... man.

To screw the whole thing up!

Yay!

Well, what about Ross?

Oh, this is Bonanza, they're
showing us the Bonanza.

Teenage caveman?

We're all cavemen!

[dramatic music]

But do you recall the most
famous reindeer of all?

Robert Vaughn for the
Helsinki formula.

Frank De Kova of F Troop, wow!

And Jonathan Haze,
all in my brain.

Robert Shayne, come back,
Shayne!

To our children's
children's children.

Based on the stage play by
Lillian Hellman.

Oh, The Caveman's Hour.
[chuckles]

Oh, Floyd Crosby, oh yes.

Whoa!

Going down?

That was quick.

Oh, Al!

Bravo Al, bravo.

You are enjoyed, my friend.

Roger Corman.

Well, this must have been
filmed painstakingly

over the course of three days.

Are you cooking in your room?

No cooking in the rooms!

Yeah, trogs like us, baby we
were born to run.

Oh, they're making reindeer
upside-down cake.

Ooh, festive.

What?

Oh, it's an Escher mountain.

Oh, to live on Escher Mountain.

Another pleasant valley Sunday.

Doc Severinsen's on
the horn here.

How green was my valley?

Not very.

You know, I'm just
guessing guys,

but since this is a Corman film,

we better get used to
this scenery.

Yep.

One location wonder.

Can we keep it Daddy,
can we keep it?

Hey, that woman's in
a skunk pelt.

Where's the boy?

Ugg.

Beyond the river?

Oog.

That guy's wearing a seat cover.

Hm, sheepskin.

Open channel D, please.

[chuckles]

Oh, good thing I had
the safety on,

I could have blown
your head off.

You know the law.

Sure, US Code 10413A, the
spear and lance policy.

But you went beyond the river!

Only a little ways.

Things are there!

Get off my back, man.

Animals with their shoulders
as high as my head.

Oh wow, five feet.

Small creatures all around.

It's forbidden.

Why?

The law.

The law holds us from the
mountain beyond the plains.

The law hold us from the things
that swim in the river,

the creatures that
fill the forest,

the fruits of the growing trees.

Oh, leave Phil out of this!

What kind of law?

The law that's given and good.

In the plain we sit and die,
red and dried out.

And there.

Why do we hunt in a place where
there are dead trees

and only a few animals to
give to the fire,

when there's plenty there?

Why am I thinking about
gas stations?

I don't know, hm.

Promises a lot but gives
only a place to die.

Oh, like Hollywood.

There are shadows there
deep and cold

and dirt that eats men.

And kids that eat paste!

Animals far more terrible
than you've seen,

and other things!

Cheap models, bad
special effects.

And you were there,
beyond the river.

Aye, once, only once.

Okay, twice!

I wondered as you do.

Because I did, I tell you to
listen to the law

and hold to it.

This other thing.

It is called by a name.

The name is, Thingy.

The god that gives death
with its touch.

What is it like?

Well, it was kind of round on
one side, oh, just come on!

Caveman without a cause.

All right, I'm coming,
I'm coming!

Hey, he's got a clean spear now.

He must have stopped at L.L.
Bean on the way.

When it's dark, we'll make the
symbols for the hunt.

Uh Dad, can I borrow
your sport coat?

Move aside Pops, I'll go first.

He will never reach the
rites of manhood.

Hey, we're talking here.

Aw...

Say, I can't decide,
blonde or brunette?

How about dinner, movie, and a
drag by the hair?

Morning Kyle, hi Trevor.

Why do you do what you do?

So that I'm free for auditions.

Hey, Willie Nelson!

Why do you keep such
a small fire?

To roast mini marshmallows?

It's the first of the three
great gifts of man.

The first in a series offered by
the Franklin Mint.

Why should you sit
here and tend it,

when it is all around, at
every cook fire?

When it can be made from
the fire rock.

Or from flicking your Bic.

It's the first of the three
great gifts of man.

Along with retson and
martinizing.

Oh, and here's George
Bernard Shaw.

What good is it to worship a
thing that turns?

It is the second of the
great gifts of man.

And it's better than the leather
mug stand I used to have.

Have you seen my training bra?

Do you question the keepers
of the gifts often?

Just when I get a wild hair.

Four guys got a shaggy
diaper that leaks.

I know. I did once myself.

These diapers are my punishment.

Why tend a small fire?

Why spin a wheel that
has little use?

Why ask why?

And more than that, why build
in order to break?

Yes, why does he?

Why do you build, and break?

It's the third gift to man.

Vandalism!

And the first great lesson.

Audition for every part you can.

He always says the same.

They all do.

Looks like the fourth gift
is Vitalis, Robert.

It is the word of the law.

But what does it mean?

It would take a brave, strong
man to know that.

So let's go get one!

Nothing can be learned
in this place.

It's like high school!

There is nothing here
to teach you!

Just stay away from my chick,
man.

I gotta get out of this picture,

I'm calling my agent back.

[chanting Kumbaya]

Before the hunt, two makers of
symbols there will be.

Siljen and Pasty.

Symbol makers are the
dreams of the people,

are the tellers to God
of the people.

Hey, it's Grady from
Sanford and Son!

Yeah, yeah, are we not men.

Are you wearing eyeshadow?

And the darkness, and the
masters of fire.

He should open with a
joke next time.

Hello, I just invented
another torch.

Symbol makers are the
light of the people.

And the light of the party!

And the glory and the light.

Let the symbols be made.

I now pronounce, oh I did
the wrong ceremony.

Boy, he looks great.

You think he's doing
Jenny Craig?

Oh, yeah.

Trim.

How long have we been
symbol makers?

We have placed five
times our own life

in the varial appearance.

Hm?

Why are we the symbol makers,

out of all the clan?

We have the gift to see visions,

and the skill with which
to preach them.

It is best that such
skills serve the law.

And we have all the markers.

Can the symbols really bring the
animals into our hands

so that we can kill them?

You ask many things lately.

Well, he's at that awkward age.

I wonder.

Do you ask them of any of
the clan but me?

They tell me nothing.

I tell you this.

It is forbidden by the law to
question the signs

and gifts and
mysteries of the gods.

Sign, sign, everywhere a sign.

Now come on, grab a spray can,
let's get started.

Could you invent a scaffold?

One thing.

This thing that gives death
with its touch.

Penny Marshall?

You saw it?

No.

Then how do you know
it's so terrible?

I was shown its look by the
symbol maker before me.

Oh, and if he jumped off a
bridge would you?

Show me.

Must be from Missouri.

Okay, now Charlie
Brown's easy to draw

'cause his head's basically a
circle, like this, see.

It is bigger than a man,
but not so big

as the great animals.

And Linus has a bent skull,
he's a bit hard.

Its claws are like those of the
great swamp creatures.

They hold and move like a man's.

But they're made for a woman's.

Out there beyond the river,

it rules all things, all
things period.

Uh huh.

[laughs] Nice painting, Dad.

The law was given to us
to keep us safe.

I think that's gonna
need two coats.

It is hard not to question,

but unless we live by the
word and the law,

death will come to us.

I gotta find my clothes and get
the heck outta here.

Wonder no more.

I wonder still.

I wa-wa-wa-wa-wonder.

All done in there, you two?

Yeah, but light a torch
before you go in, whew!

Symbols are made!

I think.

When the fire comes
back to the sky.

You mean morning?

The clan will make
the first hunt.

We'll split for, say,
seven days.

Oh wait, that one burned, ow,
stings.

Who's gonna invent a thong?

Owie.

Oh, look!

[squawking noises]

We are all Neanderthal.

We are all Neanderthal.

We are gonna have a ball.

We are gonna have a ball.

[rattling]

What are they, hunting babies?

Hey, Mr. Tambourine Man,
play a song for me!

What is this?

I'm not sleepy, oh, never mind.

Boom chaka laka laka.

Oh look, it's a bathroom rug
crawling towards us.

Warriors, come out and play!

His spear didn't go off!

And look, it's a real bear.

Nah, bears don't get up on
their knees like that.

He just killed Henry De Silva!

[yells]

Well, there they are.

Patty, Maxine and Laverne.

I hope they emptied
that bear first.

The hunters return!

But the charcoal's not ready!

It's not white enough yet.

Oh, we're gonna take him to the
intensive care cave.

A man mauled by a bear,

on Emergency Oog Ugg Ung.

Okay, give me the three silk.

Now the metson balms.

Boy, this bullet is buried deep,
close to his heart.

He was killed by a bear.

Oh, the bear claws.

Hey, I just invented
malpractice!

Colleen Dewhurst?

Wait a minute, this
man's not insured.

Get him out of here!

Quick, somebody invent the
machine that goes ping.

[groans]

Let's see, it's a ladder stitch,

so knit one, knit pearl two,
knit one, pearl two.

Looks like he's stitching him up
with a tongue depressor.

This is bogus man, I'm
getting some air.

Any mail for me?

Another hurt in the hunt.

This time your own blood.

One brave man could
get meat enough

to keep the fires hot for
many days of the sun.

You use meat to keep
your fires hot?

The law is strange.

When you're a stranger.

It is the word that
death will be given

to the one who goes there.

What are you, chicken?

Come on, bawk bawk bawk bawk.

Have you ever wondered what is
beyond the burning plain?

Have you never been mellow?

Beyond the river?

Farther.

Mother.

Perhaps beyond the
great green forest.

Uh, nope.

If my legs could bear me.

What a tale they'd tell.

I'd find out.

About the digger and the dealer
and the dog as well.

Oh, put some clothes on.

Why, it's funny man Ray
Stevens as Guitarzan!

Matthew, Mr. Dylan, there's
trouble up at the long branch!

Psst, Willie!

You holding?

What does the law say of he who
would question the law?

He must be punished.

How?

Spankings, lot of 'em.

Ooh.

All will keep their voices
from him for a time,

according to the years.

And if the law is broken so that
evil comes to the clan?

So much the better.

Death.

By chocolate.

Aye.

Come on, down him, down him!

Come on, finish it!

Hey, Tony Bennett!

All the teens are meeting at the
drive-in cave painting.

Meat of the furred beast
won't last long.

A new hunt will go into the
forest and bare trees,

where only killing things roam.

What the heck are you
talking about?

Only a few steps
beyond the river,

there is meat in plenty,
waiting to be killed.

Wait, there's a good deli
over there too!

Sinking Earth is out there.

Well then we will test the step
ahead with a spear.

Ow!

The place smokes, and fire
bursts from the rocks.

Animals as big as caves rule
beyond the river.

Oh you, wood tick, yeah.
They are so big

and we are so small.

They won't see us.

The god that gives death with
a touch is there.

Have you seen?

Uh, nope.

Ain't seem him.

Has anyone of the clan seen it?

Uh, I heard about it.

The grey beard tells of the god.

Long ago, when he could reach no
higher than my knee.

I could whip his butt
in basketball.

The law is old!

And the night is young!

Age is not always truth.

And truth is not always beauty.

How many will go with me?

Well let's see, I'll total.

Dave's out, uh, well,

zero.

Yeah, I gotta go
discover bronze, man.

Later for you.

Not even the hunters of years
will go after the dark.

At the first light, then.

At the first light take a left
by the Sinclair station.

Uh, Ron, don't touch me, please.

Are all the men gathered?

Ron, let go!

I will be here to place your
bodies in the kilns

if the clan can find
what's left of you.

Ooh, so the great Raymond
finally speaks.

Uh, Ron, I'm gonna count to 10

for you to get your hand off me.

Cut it out, Ron.

When you're a Jet, you're a
Jet all the way.

The cool ones. [chuckles]

Hey you know, that log kind of
looks like a dinosaur

if you squint.

Little bit, yeah.

We gotta go.

Wanna get outta here?

[humming]

Hey, do you guys
love having fun?

Yeah, whatever.

Do you guys like
being with others?

Yeah, sure, sure.

Well, do you like technology?

Is somebody talking in here?

Well, I've invented this
artist's rendering

to teach you the history
of technology.

Oh, no!

Joel, you have got to be-

Wait a minute, something's
happening in Deep 13!

[grunts] I'm gong to kill you!

Well you're going to have
to kill me first!

I mean, let go.

[grunting]

[laughs]

You want it?

Here it is!

Well come and get it.

You're gonna die.

[laughs]

I'm taking hair, Frank.

Hey, how 'bout them Twins, huh?

I think they're doing
rather well.

Yeah, if you're counting
good pitching.

Well, the pitching's
kinda tough,

but I think they're gonna have
to try to get high. [yells]

[laughing nervously]

[grunts of pain]

[giggles]

Lookit, it's funny,
Beetle Bailey.

Look, Garfield's got a red butt.

[laughs]

[buzzing]

Oh, hello bubbie.

Just a little management labor
dispute, nothing to.

[grunts in pain]

And it all finally culminated

in technology's
greatest achievement:

the Flying Nun.

[buzzing]

Ooh, we got movie sign!

Well that was exciting Joel,
very informative.

Riveting.

What's with those scientists?

Hey wait, where'd everybody go?

Oh oh, there they are.

Huh, what do you know.

I know I left clothes
around here somewhere.

This is a great salad bar.

No shoes, no spears, no safari.
[laughs]

You know, right now I could go
for a char-grilled

hamburger sandwich and some
french fried potatoes.

Stop.

[chuckles]

Hey, somebody built a real
nice atrium here.

It's really roomy.

There's meat here.

Kill and go back.

Would you get your hand off me,
Ron?

I came to find the truth or lie
of the old stories.

I'm not your new best friend.

We came to hunt, not to
destroy the word.

To drink some brewskis,
you know.

I came to give this
earth to the clan.

Oh, David Duke?

[growling]

The great animals!

Or the god.

[chuckles] Yeah, god, it's
a tiger you dope.

He thinks it's a god.

Look at the boil on his neck,
should I tell him?

No, maybe I should.

It's a tree, walk around it!

No it says, Daniel Boone, killed
a bear in this spot.

Open channel D, please.

[blows flute]

Hey look, it's James Galway.

[laughing]

I just invented the pan flute!

[growling]

I hate Zamfir music!

Oh here he is, your
komodo dragon.

Oh, here comes Wally Gator.

What's he got on his back?

These two remember to use plenty
of lip and tongue action.

See you later, walligator.

Throw your spears at the
monster stock footage!

This is the last time we go
down to gator country,

where the wine and
women are free.

Note to myself, bring more
spears next time.

Haven't we seen this?

Ron.

I know we've seen this before.

Quit touching me!

All right folks, the show's
over, nothing to see here.

Move along now, folks.

Hey look, they put a branch
office in! [chuckles]

Uh uh.

Even I didn't like that.

Take an arm.

I'm footloose and fancy free for
anything that's fancy.

[yelling]

Olly olly oxen free!

Guess it's a branch.

The sinking earth!

Help me!

Here, grab this razor
sharp spear head.

How 'bout some barbed wire,
there!

Hey, he's inventing swimming.

No, looks like he's
inventing drowning.

[laughs]

Fight, come on, you've
never give up

on anything in your life before,
fight.

Stop, wait, come back.

Hey, he cut bait.

Yeah, too big.

Catch and release, you know.

Oh, now we're in trouble.

Todd monster bought it.

That is one messed up
little dude.

You've given one of the
clan to the earth.

Hey, I thought he just drowned.

Everything's so heavy
around here.

What are you waiting for,
a receipt?

Beat it!

They've returned!

They're back!

And bigger and better than ever!

Oh man, shoot, what
am I gonna say?

Oh, he made me go there,

yeah that's it, he made me go.

This is like the plot of A
Separate Peace.

Hey Rocky, how you doing?

[giggles] You can't hit me, you
can't hit anything.

Go ahead, give it
your best shot.

Come on, try.

Ah, you see.

You're gonna be on paid
programming, jerk.

I still like to hop and
jump and stuff.

I'm a man child, you know.

I'm your worst nightmare.
[giggles]

Got it, hit 'em, trust me,

I got him right
between the eyes.

You can't see it, but I did.

Ah no, I'm still alive!

No, you're gonna make a
codpiece out of me.

I said in the head,
not the face.

I'm hungry, what you
got over there?

What's for dinner?

[humming]

Hey, hey!

Cross your legs, Robert, you
can see the squirrel.

I wanna go home with
that armadillo.

Hey buddy, you want an apple?

[laughs] I kid.

Say, you got a match, Robert?

Yeah.

William Shatner and
Robert Vaughan.

Lookit, he does got-
He has matches.

Unbelievable.

I hope they don't see me.

I could get in big trouble, this
is a national park.

[blowing air]

I am powerless over pyromania

and my life has become
unmanageable.

I ate it with Fava beans and a
nice Chianti. [slurping]

Wait a minute, don't eat it,

Corman wants to use that for a
monster in his next movie.

Hey, you think that fire's
big enough, Bob?

Whoa.

[laughing]

He looks like H.R. Pufnstuf
after a fiery car wreck.

Something goofy this way comes.

It's me!

I'm Trumpy!

Oh yeah.

Oh that's okay, don't say hi.

I hate to eat and run, but
[laughs] goodbye.

Bob, Bob, Bob of the Jungle,

friend to you and me.

Watch out for that tree.

I guess so.

The blood is clean.

Hyman Roth?

What the heck is he
talking about?

No clue.

He asks after his son.

Oh, he just had a Sealy
Posturpedic morning.

Yeah!

The boy.

I'm mad about the boy.

Bring him.

He is not here.

Where then?

Beyond the river.

And through the woods, to
grandmother's house he went.

A time ago.

How long is he gone?

Uh, a fireball and
two stones ago.

Two risings of the sun.

A couple of days, then.

Who knows of this?

All the clan.

He took others with him.

They're all talking about it.

Aw, if it's not one
thing it's another

around this crazy tribe.

[grunts] Oh boy, chili
peppers burn my gut.

Gotta go see a man about a dog.

Your son has broken the law.

He is beyond the river.

And he's totally off script!

Your blood will bring the
death to visit us!

As it was told in times past.

In the People column.

Boy.

Boy, crazy boy!

Tell me.

Your son led us to go
beyond the river.

We saw terrible things.

Great beasts fighting.

F Troop reruns.

One of us was taken
by the earth.

Which one?

- Lumpy, Mr. Cleaver. - A
fair-haired boy.

And my son?

We left him there.

Left him?

He didn't follow us back.

He's dead.

But the evil will come
all the same.

He's brought it down upon us.

No!

I will find him, bring him back!

I will leave no stone unturned,

starting with this one, yeah.

Wait, this is no time to
make flapjacks!

Okay, I want you to go deep.

Hm?

Run around in a circle.

At the sun's third rising.

We'll call it Wednesday,
about noon.

Nice.

Elias, Mr. Waverly!

Thrush.

Hey, he invented the hangover.

[vomiting noises]

I think that I will never see a
poem as lovely as, ow!

[laughing dumbly]

Branch is funny.

I'm just a morning person,
what can I say?

Oh, he's inventing the violin.

Or the loom.

Gotta figure a way to pluck
these eyebrows.

Oh, come on.

Oh, wait, no, come on, let me
get this straight.

He got hit on the tree, and he
got smart, right?

Yep.

Uh huh.

Hm.

And it's a good thing for me, I
have my trusty dental floss!

Why I'm not sure, but I think
I've found the beginnings

of an Olympic event!

[humming]

Oh, petting zoo.

That seems nice.

Yeah, sweet.

You will die, doe.

Ross all over again.

So anyways, as I was saying,
there are three...

[dramatic music]

Honey, that was swell.

Well, see you later, dear.

I'm gonna go play Mahjong with
Betty and Frieda.

Don't you guys ever sleep?

Hey, he invented the mink stole!

That's a stiff deer.

Deerskin jacket.

Uh oh, Rob, your dad
found your stash!

Look at all of it!

Uh oh, they're on a collision
course for wackiness,

when Junior meets dad it's all
mixed up! [laughs goofily]

Marmaduke, no!

Wait, how can there
be Great Danes

when there isn't even
a Denmark yet?

That's a nice Chicago Cutlery
knife he's sporting there.

Bingo, Benji, Tramp, and Toto.

Toto too?

Uh huh.

Did he steal that from
an elk's lodge?

Oh here, take the deer, I gotta
see a man about a...

[barking]

Wait a minute, this is fake,
the deer's fake!

Get that guy, after him!

Ah, man bites dog.

I read about this in the paper.

Ooh!

All dogs go to heaven.

Bowser, no!

Come here, you, your
mother is furious.

But I was evolving, Dad!

Shut up, shut up,
we're going home.

Wait until your ancestors get.

We live by the word.

Grease is the word.

We die without it.

Oh, he's a
Precambrian evangelist.

Mhm.

It is told that the
breaker of the law

must be put to death.

Doodly doodly doo!

Wow, a swish pan!

They can use that later in
Man From Uncle!

Evil gods will come
down to kill!

As in times past.

Notice how I punched up the
word kill there?

That was my idea.

The keeper of the law
knows this is truth.

[snoring]

Wake up.

The son of the symbol
maker must die.

Hey, couldn't he just do some
community service instead?

[people shouting]

Hey!

Hey I don't know, it's new, I
just thought of it.

Hey?

Each of us have wandered
after the truth.

The word tells us that
the law is truth.

Mhm.

- This one has broken the law. -
The word or the law?

But still the gods have not come

as it's told they will come.

Door number one! Take
the curtain!

Evil's near us.

The clan will be no more.

I say only to wait
until it does come.

And I say it must be kept
from the people

by another death!

Ooh.

The word of the law is truth.

Let the guilty one be as
dead until manhood.

Gee, it's kind of like
Inherit the Wind.

Only backwards.

No, no!

♪ No no, no no no no,
no no no no

[laughs]

It shall be as the
symbol maker says!

Hey, don't I get an appeal?

[chuckles] An amateur
photographer caught this footage

of early policeman.

[muffled cries]

Stop it, Dad, uncle Bob is
picking on me again!

[muffled groans]

Oh, this must be

where professional
wrestling got its start.

Ah right, like you had good luck
with that thing before.

Why couldn't I just get
cast in Daddy-O?

[humming over dramatic music]

Enough!

[fun futuristic music]

Hm?

Oh, sorry everybody, I'm sorry.

What?

What did I do? He started it!

All right folks, show's over,

nothing to see here,
everybody go home.

We should have left early.

Now there's gonna be
a traffic jam.

Oh, suddenly I'm the jerk.

Poor sap.

[sweet music]

Oh, hey.

Esther Williams.

Now wait a minute,
she's got buttons?

No word for day, but
she's got buttons.

Terrific.

Say.

Hey, he's playing a Fudgicle!

Fudgsicle.

I always called it Fudgicle.

Sounds like the theme song

from Please Don't Eat
the Daisies.

He's gonna eat it later,
it's made of wax.

You dropped your soap! [laughs]

Just kidding.

Say.

I know you're not to give voice
to me or I to you.

But I can stand here and
watch you, right?

Listen to this voice, then.

[blows flute]

Oh, I Talked To the Wind
by King Crimson!

Actually, I call this one
Opus One, Number One.

Um, like, do you know any Tull?

That voice I've heard at night.

In the life of dreams.

His skirt's shorter than hers.

I came to find it
beyond the river.

It is not a bad place that gives
the voice of dreams.

What are you, Carl Jung
all of a sudden?

There are strange things.

So I wonder how many strange
things there are,

beyond the river.

He's been to paradise, but
he's never been to me.

No.

If you break the law again, the
people will give you death.

I prefer liberty.

I shouldn't give you my voice
until you"ve been born again

after the rites of manhood.

Oh, she must be Baptist.

Wonder no more.

I will always wonder.

Look, it's coming
from the plain!

What, he wandered in from a
different movie!

Get the women in the cave!

Bring the weapons!

Circle the wagons!

You know.

What is it?

Some thing.

Is wrong on Saturn Three.

Some beast from beyond
the burning plain.

Oh, him again.

And the word says nothing
can live there.

But beyond.

Oh, you mean Detroit?

What is it?

It is Baloo!

What kind of beast is this?

Strange, it's evil.

Oh, everything's evil with you,

can't you just give it a chance?

But not from the
place I have been.

What is this thing then?

The ancient tales tell us
of such things.

What things?

You know, things!

A beast with such a shape,
man and creature.

It has hide all over, except
arms and legs in the middle.

I say it is evil.

Kill it!

[people yell]

It moves!

It is no one beast, but a
man atop an animal!

There is no such thing!

No man can stay a beast!

It is there before you!

I say kill it before it brings
sickness and death!

Right right, killing it

before it brings sickness
and death, sir.

There are men like the
men of the clan,

beyond the burning plain!

It is not like us!

It is some animal!

Manimal, or animal?

Speak with this man,
don't kill him!

Kill him!

It came to kill the clan!

To bring pestilence and death!

Pestilence and death?

Come on, you are such
a wet blanket!

Kill the beast!

Kill, kill, kill!

Faster Pussycat, Kill, Kill!

We have bowling and
miniature golf,

we get drunk and make
fun of you guys

'cause we're so stupid.

Stand away!

There is much to learn
from this man!

Hear him, learn!

Oh, it's Robert Vaughn.

How long will we keep our eyes
turned from the truth?

The mark is on you deep!

Evil seeks evil.

Evil protects evil.

There isn't anything against the
law or the word here!

This is a brave man

who has dared to seek out
others of his kind!

- It's Captain Kirk. - Stand
out of the way, boy.

I will not.

Take him, kill him.

Let me guess, he's evil?

Wussy.

Dickweed.

I'm Charleton Heston, if
you can't tell.

Here, gimme that.

Peace.

Pieces.

Are you proud?

You just killed Sonny Bono.

He just killed his only rival
for the role on F Troop.

Dad, this bites.

Let's book.

Aw.

You closed your eyes
to the truth.

He cried peace.

My eyes were opened.

No, I never laid a hand on you.

Your death would have
done no good.

He may have had answers.

Perhaps the truth of the law.

A law is truth to itself.

We must find a new law.

What are you, Aristotle
all of a sudden?

Will we?

We'll try.

The word has guided us
for a long time.

Only time can change it.

And time moves pretty slow
around here, Pops.

Well, let's us get moving now,
huh?

Yeah, this is bogus, let's book.

- A cairn for an evil thing?
- Make a cairn.

♪ Coming for to carry me home

Hey you know what was really a
downer in this movie, guys?

It's that clown in the
mid-calf fur shift

and the Smith brothers
beard carrying on

about how everything is so evil,
ooh.

Yeah, boy, if I was a
teenage caveman,

I'd find an accident to happen
to that guy, and pronto.

Well, judging by the
shape of his skull,

I'd imagine he's a veteran at
quite a few accidents!

That's right, good one.

You know that character
is a good example

that arch conservatism existed
even in pre history.

What was that
character's name again?

Allen, I think.

Right, Allen.

He represented people's need to
accept what they have,

and fear things that
they didn't have.

Whereas the Robert
Vaughn character,

do you remember his name?

I'm pretty sure it was Travis.

[snorts] Travis.

Travis represented people's
needs to take risks

to make their worlds better.

This position's getting a little
claustrophobic for me.

Do you mind if I stretch
out over here?

No problem.

Anyway, the pendulum of
human development

has swung back and forth

between safety and risk
since time immemorial.

You know what, you can look at
any invention or idea

in our reality and there was
some brave soul behind it,

pushing for people to accept it.

- Everything? - Anything?

Sure, give me an example of
anything in our reality,

and I'll give you an argument
people gave against it.

Well, what about books?

Everybody knows books
are good for you.

Well, you might think that,

but when the printing press was
invented in the 1500s,

a lot of rich people and
people in government

were afraid that
revolution would come

when the poor learned
how to read.

Well they were right about that.

But how about when Dylan
went electric?

Well, a lot of hippies felt

that it was the end
of folk music.

Heavy.

What about when they invented
pizza with pineapple,

olives, Canadian bacon
and anchovies?

Oh, well that's evil.

And it's a great ipecac.

And we've got commercial sign.

♪ Swing low

♪ Sweet chariot

They want to be safe.

Hey, who doesn't?

Safe?

Safe to live and die in
a single place?

New Jersey.

You?

I fought.

The law and the law won!

I am no more the symbol maker.

But I'll stay to the law.

And you must too!

It's the only way the
clan can be kept.

Clam?

Soon the night glow will set

in the right place in the sky.

And you will come to manhood.

Look at me when I'm
talking to you!

Come on, hey!

You are giving me your voice.

And a headache.

This once, a greater evil than
yours was done this day.

I know, did you get a
smell of Ogg's robe?

Whew!

Hey look, it's Paul Simon's
new backup band.

Sun has passed through the sky
to mark the time of years.

[rattling instruments]

Oh, I hate these folk masses.

Ooh, I think they're
kinda cheery.

Hey, would you knock it
off up there?

One of the clan has
come to manhood!

Turn your head and cough!

Will you hold to the word?

Hm?

Geez, bar mitzvahs were
different then, weren't they?

Will you hold to the word?

Aye.

Don't think so.

Will you hold to the law?

Aye.

Don't think so.

One of the clan has
come to manhood!

At the tender age of 37!

Forgot about me, didn't you?

I promised your Aunt Syl
I'd come. [laughs]

See the symbols left
by the gods.

It's God's way of saying,

"Get on with the movie!"

This was a message from God.

It came in fire, and made a
great wound upon the earth.

We like to call it Missy.

To touch the things of the gods
can give you death.

Touch this, I'd have
to kill you.

It's the word of the law.

You've seen the god symbols.

Go and take your place as a man
of years in the clan.

Oh man, this is totally bogus.

I'm hoofin' it over to
Dave's house.

You gave the proper
answers to the ritual.

But I felt you weren't
speaking true.

Look, you've been on my
back all day!

You won't give up your dreams,
will you?

You took the place of my father.

Cool.

You want me away too?

I hope you hold to the law.

Oh, nice shot.

Good framing.

A brave man's dreams are
hard things to fight.

Whenever we go into the cave of
symbols to make ritual.

I have to go.

Stay before my eyes.

Why?

Do you find me pleasing?

Because you are a man who
would be happy

to be the leader of
a small clan.

So?

I want to lead no one.

I want to go on to
broader places.

To Broadway!

Two such men will come to
fight one day.

One tin soldier rides away.

And one of us will be dead by
the other's hand.

[laughing]

That guy's funny.

Situational humor.

Brought you some dinner.

Hope you like sticks.

I was gonna weave you a basket,
but I don't know how.

It came to me that we might make
a place of our own.

Higher on the cave rock, you
could dig out a space.

I thought we'd live
near the city.

All done?

It would be a good thing.

Aye.

Don't think so.

We could make a place
to lie down on.

Oh, wow. [claps]

So the cold couldn't reach
us as we slept.

We'll be a modern
Stone Age family.

Aye.

When will you start?

Next semester.

No.

Beyond the river, there
are warm skins

of so many animals.

And we can stuff the skin with
cheese and bacon bits.

And there are growing
things there

that are softer to lie on.

And the place smells of wind
and fresh things.

Like donuts?

You must stay here.

So make a sleeping place for
us on the high path.

I think you're wonderful,
you know that?

[yawns]

Fore!

What does he do?

He's a consultant!

He makes a sleeping place for
him and his woman!

Why?

Have you seen the woman?

Ooh!

There is no word of
law against it.

Fool.

Fool on the hill.

Hey, he's doing a
centerfold for GQ.

Grog Quarterly.

So, how many
toasters did we get?

Aye.

Whoa.

You kept me at this sleeping
place a long, long time.

Aye.

Aye.

But I wonder still.

Someone must break the law.

Oh, shut up!

Must find the truth.

For all and forever.

Always and forever?

Of all things, the clan
fears the god

that brings death with its
touch the most.

Hm.

I'll find it, and kill it.

For 10.

Get me some food.

Now.

And a beer, now.

Do as I say.

Not as I do.

I hear you in all things,
but not in this.

Why should you be the one
to break the law?

Every man holds to the old
laws the safe way.

[snoring]

This script's like a
telephone directory!

Only not as interesting.

No one wants to take the risks
that a better life demands.

And the law is the word and
the word is the law,

we know!

So the ages pass and the
clan remains huddled

in the same place.

In spite of rent control!

There's no more to say.

It is time to act.

This is why the
dinosaurs died out.

You bored them to death!

I'll go towel off.

Oh neat, he invented the quiver.

Ooh, so did she!

Ooh!

Sorry.

Hold me, you big galoot!

Wanna be alone?

Not here, no.

Remember to assert yourself at
work, you're the best!

I love you!

Come on, you can say it!

Come on.

Oh, I love you too.

Wait come back, you're
wearing my dress.

You ever have a dream like that?

You go to work without your
pants on, kinda like him.

Oh yeah, he does it every day.

How'd it go last night, huh?
[chuckles]

Where did he go?

Beyond the river?

Uh, you can call me
Dad if you want,

Earl or Dad, whatever feels
comfortable. [chuckles]

Thong, the fish are ready.

Anybody see my extra spear?

- Jailbreak, tonight, six. -
Our son is gone.

No.

I must bring him back.

It means death surely to
break the law twice.

And you'll be given death.

Sh, don't talk so loud.

Everyone will want death now.

Put aside some food.

I'll leave after a time.

Suddenly it's a John Ford film.

It's like She Wore a
Yellow Loincloth.

[chuckles] What is this,
Grand Central Station?

Neat, curios.

Punch out for me, did you
get the cash card?

This is a job for Mighty Jack.

It is Baloo.

Go to the girl.

Go to the what?

Go to the dogs?

Go to the moon?

What a dope.

This guy needs a hobby.

Don't sit here so.

The clan will wonder.

Stop!

In the name of Grog.

Girl.

You know it's true.

Why do you stay in
the one place,

looking to the river.

Is there a word against it?

I only ask.

Just trying to make some
conversation is all.

[fun futuristic music]

♪ Ooga chaka ooga ooga

♪ Ooga chaka ooga ooga

I can't stop this feeling.

What?

Is he in Florida now?
Busch Gardens?

[birds chirping]

- [mooing noise] -
Busch Gardens.

[car noises]

[humming]

Elias?

Mr. Waverly?

Kinda looks like a Holiday Inn
lobby, doesn't it?

I can't believe this guy's
supposed to be a teenager!

Well he was a teenager when
this film started!

[humming]

Huh, wha?

Go on.

Go on!

Go on.

Across the river,
into the forest!

How can the word be served if we
too break the law?

Ed Nelson?

Yeah.

We seek to aid it,
and to keep it.

There can be no wrong in that.

Who'll care for the women
and the young?

I'll do it, I will.

The evil will come to all of us!

Unless we find the young symbol
maker and his father

- and kill them! - Hey, say it,
don't spray it!

Do you serve towels
with your showers?

Come on!

He who moves for the word...

Shut up!

...will come to no harm
in that place.

[burps]

Hey, the water's getting
warmer back here!

Wish this shirt had
another sleeve.

Hm, more holes in the plot.

Let's follow them.

[scary music]

Oh come on, he's been nice.

I don't think he deserves this
kind of soundtrack.

This music is all wrong.

Hey quit pushing!

Watch that spear!

Keep your hands off my trunk!

But for Richard Kimball,
hunted man,

there is no rest.

If I were a Flintstone,
yabba dabba dabba.

[humming]

It's about time, it's
about space,

it's about time I
slapped your face.

[humming]

Yuck, watch out for that.

There should be a toga party
around here somewhere.

His little toothpick legs won't
hold him up much longer!

[humming]

[barking]

If a tree fell in the forest,

would Roger Corman go
over budget?

I wonder if he's got a seven
day waiting period

on that bow and arrow.

Eh, I don't know.

Huh?

What?

Hey, it's Louie Nye!

Hi ho, Steverino!

[humming]

[barking]

[laughs] Great.

It's an anteater pinata.

Yeah.

Come on, you want a piece of me?

Hold it, hold it, we need the
shot for the poster.

Move back slowly.

You came to take me back.

Aye.

At first.

Now I stay to help in
your purpose.

Neat.

Hold back.

No.

This is the god they fear.

Mr. Snuffleupagus?

The law will be gone and a
new way open to us.

Back up, wait, what's
gonna happen here?

It motions as the man from
the burning place.

Anarchy in the BC.

It rises to attack,
cast your arrow!

[humming]

[barking]

Kill them now.

Look!

It is wild.

Oh, forget it.

Kill him in the sight of the
god that gives death

with its touch and it will
know our desire.

So, you're saying it's evil?

Wait wait, I have another
speech to make

about word and law and
evil and stuff.

[laughs] Hey, he likes you!

He doesn't do that to everybody.

Just push him down.

Down, boy.

See what happens when you don't
give them Science Diet?

Yep.

Skipper, I love you!

Oh that one, he hates the vet.

What do you do?

I make a nice living.

Okay, we're gonna do
some improv now.

This structure's called tree.

This is no evil thing.

It's my wife.

You stupid jerk, you
killed my monster.

Aw, right in the towel.

That hurts.

Napoleon's solo has foiled
Thrush, once again.

It's an onion.

This was no evil thing.

Just John Q. Public trying
to earn a buck.

Sad really.

The word tells it could not
be given death.

It lies so still.

The beasts are dead.

Now you too must die.

Oh, don't you start.

The law is dead.

The god that gives death
with its touch

is dead as well.

He's dead, word's dead, law's
dead, I'm outta here!

Goodnight everybody!

He's looked better.

Beach Dickerson.

A man.

Another kind of man.

One came from the mountains
and some were here.

He's been in the
mountains too long,

dressed up in a goofy costume.

Wait, what's this?

It's a vintage contemporary!

It bears a symbol.

Bright lights, big cave.

This must be the way man
should greet man.

Formal and rigid.

- His hands without a weapon.
- Oh, come on.

Hm.

What symbols are these?

That's right, by Uncle
headquarters!

I have none like
these in my mind.

And these were made in a
way unknown to me.

Yeah, at the Photomat.

All of this.

Are these symbols too?

Perhaps.

Maybe.

Someday they must be known.

It is a thing of wonder.

Yeah, I wonder when the
film's gonna end.

Shall we take him to the cave
and make a cairn for him?

Nah, let's eat 'em here.

Leave them in this
place that was his.

The people have seen, a
new law is made.

Food will be gathered,
wheel things made,

and the clan will seek out other
men in other places.

Other voices, other rooms.

We'll take this thing of wonder.

Somewhere a man may be able to
tell us the words.

Hey, Bob!

Bob, wake up, Bob.

There.

Or one of us may find
a way to know.

I bet his initials are
Robert Vaughn.

Aye.

So let this man stay.

He will not be alone.

Well, this guy's getting ripe,
let's get out of here.

So, bye.

Hey I just thought of something.

Who's gonna play the
Indian on F Troop?

[Man]: I and a party
of 23 others...

What?

...were on a
scientific expedition

when the bombs began to fall.

- Oh. - Oh, message!

Message coming in, people.

I think it's from
Beach Dickerson.

...was unleashed all
over the world.

Retaliation added to
retaliation.

Oh, I see a president's face.

Until all traces of man's
works had been wiped

from the face of the Earth.

Sorry everyone, sorry.

I'm hot, I'm on fire.

[clicking noises]

Some grew huge
beyond all reason

and formed as the
dinosaurs of prehistory,

or took on new
shapes altogether,

mad in shape and purpose.

They became stock footage.

My comrades and I,
half-protected

by our radiation suits, found
ourselves given an age

far beyond the span allowed.

Hm.

Out of all the
sprawling millions

of the Earth a handful
escaped all harm

through fortune or design.

Oh, kinda like Neil Bush.

After the holocaust, the
wisest of them

set down a long list of taboos.

Am I the wisest?

Yeah, I'm the wisest.

Pretty much.

The laws are in the form of
a religion now.

It's strange to see them living
the life of Cro-Magnon man.

Cro-Magnon, P.I.

On occasion we tried to
contact them,

but they feared us.

Wonder why.

And our radiation killed those

who came too close.

Now, only I'm left,

and the radiation has worn away
these long, long years.

So you know it's okay.

Now a new one
thinks and wonders

about the truth of the law.

He's a real goosester!

Perhaps man will dare
to try again.

I am very lonely.

In fact, I'm dead.

Very, very tired.

Dead tired.

This happened a long time ago.

[humming]

And as you know, men did
meet other men.

And fire smelted metal,
made explosives.

The wheel turned machines and
made gun barrels.

The towers were built
and flattened.

How many times?

Will it happen again?

And if it does, will any at all
survive the next time?

Doubtful, let's go.

Or will it be the end?

Heavy.

Robert Vaughn will be back

in the Sweet Sweetback Affair!

Aye, I am the last survivor

of a movie-watching experiment!

Me too!

Oh yeah, him too!

Sh, character.

Whether through
fortune or design,

we are the only survivors.

The awesome power of Roger
Corman was unleashed

upon the satellite and
scared everybody!

it was brought upon us
by scientists

mad in shape and purpose.

Aye, aye.

And the fact that I am dead
does not prevent me

from tying up a few loose ends.

Me too, you keep
forgetting about me!

Oh yeah, him too.

Sh, character.

Aye!

I have, protected by our
Trumpy radiation suits,

wait for contact.

Hey, hi guys, what's up?

Human!

Oh, you guys, come on.

Aye, he was the young one
who began to wonder.

I'm starting to wonder
about these two.

He was unfettered by a long
list of taboos,

except that he refused to
wear silly hats.

Listen, are you guys
supposed to be dead?

You know, I can see
your lips move.

Aye, we refuse to ad lib and
give in to his demands

and smell his feet, which were
like bad meat or good cheese!

Oh come on you guys, quit
your clowning.

I'm supposed to read the letter,
okay?

One took great pleasure in
reading letters.

Aye.

Where is it?

It's supposed to be here.

Letter, letter! It's the the
radiation suits!

Letter, letter!

Oh, geez, come on!

Tickle the old ones.

Sorry about the slime,
young one.

It's covered in slime and this
matted monkey hair,

fake monkey hair that you made
these suits out of.

It comes with the territory,
young one.

Okay, well, let's put this
on still, Cambot.

You got that?

Well this is a pretty neat one,

before it got slimed.

It's from Bruce Barber,
and it says,

"Verify ye hence and
testify furthermore,

"that your show has a large
and loyal following

"among the professional
stuntmen here in L.A.

"Nothing brings home
to us exactly

"how far the stunt
business has come,

"as watching the action

"on some of the turkeys you
have graced us with.

"I try never to miss a show.

"The wife, who thinks
I'm sick..."

The wife?

- The wife? [chuckles] -
"...tapes them for me

"when I'm on location.

"Please keep up the good,
bad work."

Bruce Barber.

Pretty neat, huh?

Aye.

You guys are gonna have to clean
all this up, you know.

Again with the taboo.

Nay, nay!

Just be quiet, we gotta
get outta here.

What do you think, sirs?

Mm, that is good.

I'm glad I brought the
orange cappuccino.

Wait a minute, I brought the
orange cappuccino.

[laughing]

[wincing]

Oh, hello bubbie, Frank and I
are just patching things up

with a little cup of kindness.

You know, it's the quiet moments

that are the most
precious moments.

Mm.

Why don't you push the button,
Frank?

I'm going to slip this tape of
Dad in with Jack Lemmon.

I think we could both use a
good cry, don't you?

I'll make some popcorn.

[laughing]

[pained groans]

[majestic music]