My Three Sons (1960–1972): Season 2, Episode 28 - Innocents Abroad - full transcript

This is an omelet.

Gooey on one end,
dry on the other,

and a little bit of
both in the middle.

So don't give me any of that

"That ain't the
way I like it" jazz.

It looks great, Bub.

Say, where'd Chip go?

Oh, Chip?

Here I am.

Just tying my shoe.

Ooh. You got any ketchup?



That'll give you an
idea of what he thinks

of my cooking...
Ketchup on omelets.

Oh, a lot of people eat
ketchup on omelets, Bub.

Not on my omelets, they don't.

He even eats ketchup
on my oatmeal cookies.

Only when they're stale.

Hoping you heard that.

Oh, Dad. STEVE: Mm-hmm?

Can I get tattooed?

Uh, where, Rob?

No. No, of course
you can't get tattooed.

Dad, can you loan me $90?

No.

Boy, this is a bad
morning for asking for stuff.



Look, nobody ever calls
Bub or me around here.

Now, will one of you fellows
please answer the phone?

I'll get it.

Mike, what do you need $90 for?

Well, I want to
get a scuba outfit.

Oh, no, you don't.

I knew a guy in vaudeville
that got a rubber lip

from playing one
of those things.

No, Bub. Uh, a scuba outfit

is one of those underwater
deals, you know, that, uh...

I don't care if he plays it

underwater or up a tree.

I don't want any part of it.

It's for you, Dad. Well,
what do you know?

Who is it, Chip? Guy.

Well, I'm glad I asked.

Well, how about it, Dad?

Don Shaw's
gonna sell his outfit,

and I-I'll bet I
can get it for $80.

Now that's a good price.

I'm sorry, Mike.

Maybe you can find some
way to earn the money yourself.

Hello.

Well, I-I thought
you wanted to...

Why, no, no, there's
no Mr. Wolf here.

No, this isn't the
city zoo, you... Wally.

Wally Osborne,
you old son of a gun.

I should have known.

How are you?

Come away from that door, Chip.

Who's Wally Osborne?

Well, he was an old
college friend of your dad's.

He's a regular jazz-bo.

What's a jazz-bo?

One of those guys
that calls you up

on the phone and asks
if this is the city zoo.

Then he asks if
Mr. Fox lives there.

Oh, no.

Dad's sure all excited,
just talking to him.

Yeah? Well, they haven't
seen each other for years.

And that reminds me.

We better dig out the
old college annuals

in case they get to sitting
around, asking each other about,

"I wonder whatever happened
to old Charlie Rutabaga?"

Oh, is he coming here?

Uh, not Charlie. The other guy?

Well, if I know
your dad, right now,

he's inviting him over here
to dinner tomorrow night.

Well, why don't we
make it 7:00, huh?

Yeah. Is that all right?

Good, Wally. It'll be
good to see you, you...

you old horse thief.

Ah, Steve. Wally,
it's good to see you!

Good to see you.

Give me your hat. Come on in.

Right. There you are.

After all these years. Yes, sir.

You haven't changed a bit.

No, sir, and you haven't...

Oh, well, what are you gonna do?

Oh, Wally.

Here are the boys, Wally.

Hey, all of these belong to you?

This is Mike. Hi, Mike.

How do you do? Robbie.

Robbie. Hi.

This is my youngest, Chip. Hi.

Wally, how are you?

Am I glad to see you.

Good to see you. You look great.

Good to see you too, Bub.

Thank you. You look fine.

Tell me, have you
taken a bath lately?

Why, is there one missing?

Now, dinner is nearly ready,

and you'd better
be hungry, all of you.

Right. I'm hungry. Come
on in, Wally. Sit down.

All right. Thanks, Steve.
We've got a lot to talk about.

Boy, I'll say so.

And when the waiter found out

we didn't have
enough to pay the tab...

the owner dragged you
and me back to the kitchen

to wash the dishes.

Yeah, that's right.

Wally tried to sneak out
through the supply room.

And when you tried to sneak out,

you ended up in
the walk-in freezer.

That's right.

Listen, by the time
they found your dad,

they could have carted him
out of there on a meat hook.

Yeah.

You know, I don't think
I completely thawed out

until around last Thursday?

Yeah, last Thursday.

I think I'll do my homework.

Yeah, me, too. During
Easter vacation?

Yeah.

Stick around, fellows.

I got some things to
tell you about your dad

that'll fracture you.

Listen, do you remember the
time that we organized a band?

Yeah. What did we call it?

Uh, the-the Castle Troubadours.

Where'd we ever dig
up a name like that?

There wasn't a castle
within 100 miles.

Yeah, there wasn't a
troubadour within 200 miles.

And remember when you tried
to raise the money for the sax?

Yeah.

Things were a little
rough out in those days.

Yeah.

And I remember that
you tried to bum 18 bucks

from your Dad, but
he wouldn't spring for it.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

But that didn't stop you.

We took right off for the
next town and got a job.

Yeah.

I can remember the night
we left as if it were yesterday.

Didn't say a word.

Just left a note
for your mother.

Yeah.

Next day, we were pushing those
castings around in the foundry.

Dad? Hmm?

Weren't your folks
worried? Yeah.

Oh, sure they were worried,

but, uh, we were well-equipped

to take care of ourselves.

That's right, son.

Listen, the kids in
our day were a far cry

from the brand that
they're putting out today.

We did things.

Well, we had to, Wally.

There was the depression on.

Ah, we weren't spoon-fed
the way they are now.

Well, of course, this is a
different era, Wally, uh...

Oh, not really, Steve.

Listen, I say it's
in the kids' attitude.

They won't give it the
old try. Know what I mean?

They want to get a
hold of some dough,

they ask their dad,
and he gives it to them.

Yeah, I suppose
that's right, but, uh...

And I tell you.

I get a little shook about
this younger generation.

With everything handed
to them on a platter,

how are they gonna make it

when they get kicked
out of the nest, right?

Well, I suppose, in
a way, uh... Right.

Oh, well.

How are things
going with you, Steve?

Oh, uh, fine, Wally.

Uh... what are you
doing these days?

Mm. Same thing, hardware.

Oh.

You're, uh, still working
for your dad, huh?

Yup.

Well, what about it?

Wait a minute.

Chip's asleep.

You mean, just go away
and leave him a note?

Why not?

Dad did it to his mother.

After all, mothers worry
a lot more than fathers do.

Well, how do we know we
can get a job in Glenville?

We don't, but, uh,
as we were reminded,

we can't have everything
handed to us on a platter

when we get kicked
out of the nest.

Boy, I don't know.

Well, I know I
want a scuba outfit.

With two weeks vacation
coming up, I'm gonna earn it,

instead of bumming
the money off of Dad.

Now, uh, you say you
want to get tattooed.

Who wants to get tattooed?

Well, you said
you did yesterday.

Oh, I was just
starting out with that.

I was gonna settle for just
six and a half dollars cash,

but you and your $80 and
the ketchup got in the way.

Well, what do you want
the six and a half for?

Well, Hank knows a guy

who's got a brand-new
second-hand intake manifold

I can have for that.

Well, let's go to
Glenville and earn it.

Boy, I don't know.

Well, you think it over.

I'm leaving tomorrow.

Good night.

Good night.

Hey, Tramp, we're
going to Glenville.

I'm still worried that
they'll worry about us.

Dad didn't tell his
parents, did he?

Oh, that's right, he didn't.

Well, besides, I'll write
him a postcard tomorrow

and tell him we're safe.

Mike, why don't we just ask Dad

if we can go to Glenville
for those two weeks?

Because Bub would say no.

Ow!

All right, Chip.

Oh.

Come on, get out of there.

You, too, Tramp.

But I want to go with you guys.

No, you don't.

Come on.

Now, you and Tramp
get back in the house.

But golly, I don't want
you guys to go away.

We're only gonna be
gone for two weeks, Chip.

Yeah, but that's a long time.

Chip, while I'm gone,
you can use my harmonica.

The one with the
bass notes. Yeah?

And, uh, just think...
If, uh, if we're not here,

you could watch any
TV program you want.

Yeah? MIKE: Yeah.

And you can have
seconds on dessert.

And put your rocks in your
bed and sleep in my bed.

Yeah?

We'll be back
before you know it.

Yeah? Well, take your time.

So long.

So long.

Hiya, Bub. Hi.

Hey, you dropped your
laundry list or something.

Yeah. Which reminds me...

When are we gonna start
sending the laundry out?

I'm beginning to get
washing-machine hands.

They look just as soft and
lovely to me as ever, Bub.

Yeah?

"Dear Dad,

"Robbie and I took off to
find work in some other town.

"We'll be back when
vacation is over.

Don't worry."

Signed, Mike.

To find work in another town?

What's the meaning of this, Bub?

What's the meaning of what?

Well, couldn't you
stop them from going?

If you couldn't stop
them, you could've

called me at the office. I...

The minute you get
through popping off,

I'd like to say something.
Well, go ahead, say it.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

Oh.

Yes, oh.

Well, can you imagine
them doing a thing like this,

just taking off and without
even saying anything,

just leaving a note?

Pretty thoughtless,
wasn't it? You're darn right.

You know where they got this
idea, don't you? From Wally.

You remember last night,
when he was telling about

how when we were kids, we
left a note and ran off from home?

You two did everything

but hand them an engraved
invitation to blow town.

Of course, I don't know why

we're getting so excited
about the whole thing.

Huh? Well, you know
those two kids as well as I do.

When it gets to be around 6:00,

they'll both get a gnawing
feeling in this area right here,

and, uh, they'll both
come running back home.

Especially when they find out

that I've prepared
their favorite meal...

Homemade meat loaf.

That's right.

Just set the table as
usual, Bub, for five.

Right.

"Robbie and I took
off to find work."

That'll be the day.

Mike, I'm a little
shaky about this tire.

It's just about as bad
as the one we just blew.

Well, I think it'll make it
to Glenville, don't you?

Yeah, I think so, but we
better get a secondhand tire

as soon as we get there.

Boy, I'm sure hungry.

You know, a peanut
bar isn't much of a dinner.

Well, afraid it's
gonna have to do

until we find out how much
this tire's gonna cost us.

Yeah.

Boy, it sure is creepy out here.

Well, I guess that's because

we're not used to the
crickets and frogs and stuff.

You know, Mike,
I was just thinking.

Uh, if you want to go back home,

well, don't be ashamed
to say so on my account.

We're going to Glenville.

Well, we're gonna have
to wait here a second.

I think I just
flooded it. Oh, boy.

Oh, Bub, what are
we so worried about?

What are we so worried about?

Well, it's way after midnight,

and Mike and Robbie
are not home yet.

That's what we're
so worried about.

Yeah, I guess that's
why we're so worried.

But, Bub, let's be
realistic about this.

Mike's practically
a man now, and...

Robbie's certainly getting old
enough to take care of himself.

And both boys have got good,
level heads on their shoulders.

And they're very self-reliant.

And they're real
dependable kids.

That's right.

You know, I wonder
when-when was the last time

they had an Indian
raid around here.

Oh, let's not be stupid, Rob.

Hey, what was that?

It was just something moving
out in the brush, that's all.

Come on, Mike, hurry up.

Get it started, will you?

Oh, knock it off, will you, Rob?

The closest Indian in ten
miles owns a trucking company.

There it is again.

That's an animal.

You can't tell me
there's no such a thing

as a-a runaway tiger.

Brother, I've been around.

I know that there is.

Runaway tiger.

Come on, move, move!

Of course, this
is the first time

they've ever gone off
on their own like this.

And there are times

when neither one of them
has got a brain in his head.

That's right.

They haven't got any money.

I just hope they're not
going hungry or anything.

Gee, I hope we haven't
put you out too much,

showing up in the middle
of the night like this.

No, not at all.

And I'm glad that Joe at
the service station sent you.

Well, I've never seen so
much food in all my life.

There's always plenty of
food in my boarding house,

and I'm glad I had the room.

Oh, yeah, about that
room, Mrs. Hansen.

I hate to ask you this,

but do you think
you could trust us?

I mean, we haven't got
a job, and tomorrow...

Oh, now, you let me
worry about things like that.

And you save some room
for some peach cobbler.

Peach cobbler?

Morning, Bub.

Mornin'.

Say, Bub, uh, when
the boys phone,

just find out where they are,
and, uh, call me at the office,

and I'll wire 'em some money.

What if they don't call up?

Oh, I know Mike and Robbie.

Yeah, I thought you knew
'em last night at dinner.

Yeah.

What are we
having for breakfast?

Pancake and sausages.

Mike and Robbie's favorite meal.

Yeah, every meal is
Mike and Robbie's favorite.

Gentlemen, we got a
couple of new boarders.

Robbie and Mike Douglas.

This is Otto, Jose,
Mr. Gifford, and Jacque.

Hi, pleased to meet you.

Oh, you don't have to stand up.

We don't have to stand up.

We don't have to stand.

Jose, shove me the potatoes.

Don't pay any attention to them.

Sit down, boys. Thank you.

Uh, which one's the
foreman at the cannery?

Mr. Gifford.

But you let me do
the talking. Okay.

Seconds on the coffee, Martha.

Coming right up.

Don't be bashful, boys. Dive in.

Okay, thanks.

Thank you.

Oh.

Uh, sir?

Yeah, kid.

You forgot the spoon.

Oh.

Oh, here, Mike. Thanks.

What's the matter
with you, niños?

You're not hungry?

Well, yeah, I'm
pretty hungry, but...

Well, don't sit there
with the empty plates.

Eat.

Pass me the huevos.

The what?

The huevos, señor, the huevos.

Huevos de gallina. You know...?

Oh, the eggs.

He's talking about... Oh.

What's the matter
with these muchachos?

They-they don't
speak the English?

Wait a minute.

Let's...

Boys, you aren't eating.

Now, this isn't right.

Oh, I know it's nothing
fancy, Well, Mrs. Hansen...

but it's good, wholesome food.

Now, there, you take that.

And don't give me any arguments.

Mr. Gifford?

Yeah, Martha?

Did you say that you needed
more help over at the cannery?

Sure.

I always need help.

Every time I hire a
man, he lasts a day or so,

and then he wants out.

Tossing around a
bunch of smelly fish

is no picnic, you know.

Well, I was wondering.

Uh, these young men have
two weeks off from school,

and they're looking for work.

These two?

Yes, sir, that's right.

Nah, they wouldn't last an hour.

Half hour.

Five minutes.

Even the coffee
break is hard work.

There must be
something they could do.

Sure, there's
something they can do.

But it's all hard work.

You boys ever done any work?

Oh, sure, yeah.

Oh, of course. I worked
last summer, I mowed lawns,

and-and washed cars. and I worked
odd jobs around the neighborhood.

Well, stay with it.

You never had it so good.

I've been thinking

that I ought to raise the price
of room and board around here.

All right, Martha.

All right.

Report to me at the
loading dock at 8:00 sharp.

Yes, sir.

Well, how do we get there?

You just go two
blocks, turn to the left,

and the fish will tell you.

Hurry up.

We gotta go.

Already? Now?

♪ ♪

Hey, what smells?

Us.

Ooh.

I guess it was hard to
notice down at the cannery.

My aching back.

I don't know whether I
can make it up these stairs.

You think you're bad.

Take a look at those blisters.

How can you get
blisters wearing gloves?

Even my gloves had blisters.

Hey, Mike, didn't
you get the feeling

that we were being watched
while we were working?

We were.

By four tons of dead fish.

Oh, hello, boys.

Hi. Hello.

Well, how did it go on
the first day of the new job?

Fine. Great.

Well, good.

And Mr. Gifford thought the
work would be too hard on you.

Yeah.

You boys get upstairs
and get cleaned up.

We're going to have
a real nice dinner.

Baked halibut.

Morning, Bub. Mornin'.

Do you know you're
two hours late for work?

Yeah, I know.

I don't think I slept all night.

Well, that's two of us.

Bub, I'm sorry, but I've had it.

Where's the phone book?

The number of the
police station is 116.

You mean you've
called them already?

I was figuring on
it, but then I thought

I maybe better not
go over your head.

You know, for a while,

I thought this was
a childish prank,

Well... but now, I don't know.

Hey, you got a letter from
Mike and Robbie. Hmm?

Letter or a postcard?

Thanks, Chip.

"Dear Dad, Bub, Chip and Tramp.

"We're staying here in Glenville

at Mrs. Hansen's
boarding house."

They're in Glenville.

"Both of us are
working and doing fine.

"Don't worry.

Love, Mike and Robbie."

Don't worry?

How do you like those two,

taking all this time to let
us know where they are.

And when they do,
what do they say?

"We're working and
doing fine. Don't worry."

Steve.

Hmm?

How did you word the letter

when you wrote your mother?

Well, I said...

"I'm working and
doing fine. Don't worry."

♪ ♪

There, he ought to find that.

Oh, what are you
doing back so soon?

You only left an hour ago.

Yeah, well, I, uh, I just came
back to get some papers and...

Oh? What are you
doing all dressed up?

Well, I'm just going over
to the library to get a book.

Oh.

You usually take your
lunch to the library?

Well, you...

Oh, well, you know.
Brownies, huh?

Yeah. Mike and
Robbie's favorites.

Yeah.

Let's see.

"Steve, I'm taking the
bus over to Glenville.

"Will be back for dinner.

Chip will be at Sudsy's."

Well, now, Bub...
Well, you know, Steve,

I thought maybe that
postcard in your pocket

might be a great big bluff.

Oh, I don't think so.

The boys probably have jobs.

Well, even if they don't have,

they're both so full of
pride that they'd stick it out,

even though they
were starving to death.

I just think you're
worrying too much

about this whole thing, Bub.

Why don't you take off
your hat and relax, huh?

Well, I better get
back to the office,

and don't expect me for dinner.

I, uh, might have
to work a little late.

Oh, Steve. Hmm?

Mrs. Hansen, you've
got to stop feeding

this Mike and Robbie so good.

Yeah, we have a tough time

keeping up with those
lugs down at the cannery.

Oh, cut it out, Otto.

It is true.

Señor Mike and Robbie,

they throw the big flounders
around like little niños.

All that and manners, too.

That's right.

Somebody did a nice job
of bringing up you boys.

Please pass the
salt, Otto. Yeah.

That'd be Dad. Yeah.

Well, we've got
a real neat father.

And Bub'd sure like all of you

to come over for
dinner sometime.

If anything makes him happy,

it's for someone
to eat all his food.

We'd not only make him happy,

we make him delirious.

Hey, how old is Chip?

He's nine.

I was telling Jose
about him today.

The biggest thing in Chip's
life is his rock collection.

And Robbie'll tell
you this is true.

Sometimes he takes his
rock collection to bed with him.

Boy, you ought to see him.

A whole bed full of
rocks and Tramp. Yeah.

You boys had better stop this.

You're liable to get homesick.

I've already been,
a couple of times.

Well, I guess I
have, too, but...

well, we're not gonna quit now.

My father always says,

"When you start something,
you should finish it."

He sounds like a
man I'd like to meet.

Oh, well, you will.

Well, Rob and I
want you to come over

and have a cookout at
our house some weekend.

♪ ♪

Well, I-I kinda
hate to admit it,

but I'm glad to see
you guys home.

Even if you do smell
a little fishy. Yeah.

Well, it's good to
be home. Yeah.

It was sort of fun, Dad,

but we don't plan to leave
again until you throw us out.

Well, then you're
liable to be around here

for a long time.

I'll get it.

Oh, hi, Wally. Hi, Steve.

Hi, Bub. Hi, Wal, old boy, hi.

Hi, fellows. Mr. Osborne.
Hi, Mr. Osborne.

Well, I just come
by to say good-bye.

I'm checking out of
the territory tonight.

Oh, I'm sorry to
hear that, Wally.

Well, I had a nice visit.

Listen, on the way over here,

I was thinking about the time

we used to roam
down by the waterfront.

Uh, Wally, I-I'm sorry,
I... What waterfront?

Oh, the waterfront where
we met that sea captain.

Now, he... I'm sorry,

I-I don't remember
the sea captain.

What are you,
flipped or something?

Don't you remember
the sea captain?

He wanted us... Look, Wally, uh,

Mike and Robbie just
got back from a trip.

Yeah, right after
your last visit,

they left a note on the
table and then took off.

That's right, they just
left a note and took off.

Oh, sure.

You know, now
that I think of it,

we were afraid to go down
to that waterfront, weren't we?

That's... yeah, yeah,
'cause our folks told us not to.

Yeah, that's right. Listen.

I used to have to get
a note from my mother

to go to the corner
store to buy Indian nuts.

Is that so? Oh,
yeah, yeah. Sure I did.

Oh, come on, Dad.

Like Robbie said,

we're not gonna leave this
house again until you kick us out.

And you don't have to
worry about me, Dad,

'cause I'm too
chicken to run away.

Well... well, Wally,
why don't you come in

and have a farewell cup
of coffee with us? Good.

All right. Got some coffee, Bub?

Yes, the coffee's
all ready, Good.

And I got a new gag for you.

Well, after we get
our coffee, huh?

Then you're gonna miss a dandy.

Remember that waterfront, Wally,

when the sea
captain wanted us to...