My Three Sons (1960–1972): Season 2, Episode 12 - Robbie's Band - full transcript

♪ ♪

Okay, guys, ready?

One, two.

Ah, Lucky.

Come on out.

Hey, hold it, you guys.

I got to fix my mouthpiece.

Our sound transmission

has been temporarily
interrupted.

We will continue
with the picture.

And now we pause a moment



for station identification.

What happened?

Noise takes a holiday.

Ready?

One, two.

If you can sleep in this house,
y-you must be very healthy.

Or else you should see a doctor.

Listen to it, will you?

I can't even hear
the television.

Dad, I can't hear my radio.

Radio?

I thought you were doing
your homework. Well, I am.

But if I can't hear my radio,
I can't do my homework.

Lucky won't stick his head out.



I don't blame him.

He's got his own
soundproof room under there.

I'll admit it's a
little annoying,

but, uh, it's a good outlet
for boys Robbie's age.

Sometimes I think the citizens
of this town would be better off

if we built these
boys a poolroom.

Well, Dad, will
you make him quit?

I got to write a book report.

Well, now, Mike, I don't
like to discourage you fellows

from feeling at home
in your own house.

Well, look, you don't
have to be mean about it.

Just tell them to knock it off.

Uh... I think it
sounds pretty good.

Aside from being out
of tune and too loud.

Loud?

Why, when Eliot Ness
knocks over a brewery,

he doesn't make
that much racket.

Promised Sudsy I'd
give Lucky a good home.

Well, tell him to
stick his head out,

and I'll apologize.

Oh, hi, Dad.

Hi. Hi, fellas.

Don't get up.

Say, uh, I have
a little request.

Oh, a request! What do you
want to hear, Mr. Douglas?

Well, no, not that
kind of request.

I was thinking, uh,
well, as long as we live

in a residential area,
maybe you'd feel a little

less restricted if you, uh,
did your rehearsing down at

the, uh, school gym or
maybe down at the Y.

Oh, Dad, we can't do that.

We don't want anyone to
hear us until we're ready.

Oh.

I had no idea this, uh,
operation was so hush-hush.

Oh, we don't mind you
hearing it, uh, Mr. Douglas.

You're okay.

Oh, thanks, Hank.

Say, Hank, uh, has your dad
had a chance to hear the outfit yet?

Oh, no, not yet, but...

Hank's mother and
father are gonna

let us practice at their
house next week, Dad.

Oh, good.

You sure you won't
be imposing, Hank?

Oh, no.

They'll be in Montreal.

Oh.

Well, uh, let's, uh, keep
it a little sotto voce, huh?

Rob, why don't you and
Carl, uh, mute those horns.

Uh, have you got hats?

Oh, yeah. Then why
don't you hang them on.

Okay. And, Hank, I think

maybe if you, uh, dropped
the whole thing an octave,

it'd sound a little better.

Oh, man, where
did you learn all the...

Oh, I mean, uh,
how is it you know

all about instruments,
Mr. Douglas?

Yeah, my dad's never
even heard of an octave.

Well, Dad played

sax and clarinet in college.

He had his own band,
too, didn't you, Dad?

Oh, yes, yes. It
was Steve Douglas

and his Five Disciples
of Rhythmania.

There were nights
when we even got paid.

Gee, would you
coach us, Mr. Douglas?

Hey, yeah, Mr. Douglas.

Sometimes I don't
think we sound so good.

Dad, why don't you go
get your horn and sit in.

Oh, thanks, fellas.

I don't think a parent should,

uh, butt in on
the kids' activities.

I figured that out
when I was a kid.

Hold it down, huh? Okay.

Ah. Hi, Chip.

What are you doing?

I'm painting Lucky's name on
his back with fluorescent paint

so I can see him in the dark.

Oh.

Where'd you get the paint?

Oh, I traded Dorine
Peters one of my swim fins.

Well, that's a kind
of a silly trade.

What good is one
swim fin gonna do you?

What good's it gonna do her?

She'll be willing to trade it
back for pretty nearly anything.

Hey, what's for dinner?

Well, I got a nice bargain
on some liver over at Oscar's.

Looks like hamburger to me.

Oh, this is just some
chopped meat I got for Tramp.

I think I'd rather
eat with Tramp.

Hey, hamburger.

Yeah. That's for Tramp.

We're eating liver. Oh.

Hey, Bub, look what I found
in Dad's old saxophone case.

Well, well, look at that.

It looks like it's

right out of the Roaring '20s.

I'll bet he had that taken

just before he
graduated from college.

Yeah.

Even now he plays
awfully good horn.

And he's a dad.

Well, I suppose
that automatically

tosses him right
into the junk heap.

Oh, no, Bub.

You know what I mean.

If he's so good now,
the way he's been

helping us and
everything, well, just think,

he must have been a
master class in those days.

Well, now that Dad's
gone to Chicago,

you guys will probably
get all junky again.

That's all we need around
here is a nine-year-old critic.

You know, Bub,

me and the guys are gonna
rehearse every night this week.

Don't tell me now that
you've got the musician's bug.

Well, the way I look at it, Bub,

if I practice real hard,

well, maybe I'll get a
chance like this someday.

Then I'll have my own outfit.

Las Vegas, Reno,
Miami, New Orleans.

You know, Bub, with
just one hit record,

I could take us
away from all this.

Maybe I could get one of those

real sharp
houseboats in Florida.

You and Dad could fish,
Mike and I could skin-dive.

And maybe I could set up

a little fund for Chip so
that when he gets my age,

he won't have to skimp
through high school

with the rotten
allowance he gets.

While we're waiting, how
about giving me a dime?

Then I'll need a few dollars
a week to take care of

the fan mail and...

Oh, now, let's not pick out

the seat covers before
we buy the car, huh?

You're right, Bub.

You know, somewhere in
this town, right this very minute,

someone's looking for a combo.

If I only knew where.

You know, all we need is
a five- or six-piece band.

I-I went to see an agent,

you know, who handles
all those top bands.

I gave him a big, big pitch.

I told him, "Any overture
that you might make

"on behalf of an educational
institution such as ours

would be just like
a blow for freedom."

Well, what did he say?

Told me to blow.

Well, I don't see
how we're gonna get

a five- or six-piece
combo for $33.

What ever happened
to the musicians

that used to play
just for kicks? Yeah.

They sweep up after the
musicians who play for money.

Well, you guys, I got
to get home for dinner.

Think about it tonight,
and I'll call you tomorrow.

Remember, whoever
we get has got to be good.

This is one Sigma
Gam pledge group

that's got to throw
a first-class hop.

You said it, boy.

So long.

Now what are you doing?

I'm pulling the shades.

Yeah, I can see that, but what
are you pulling the shades for?

I want to see if Lucky
glows in the dark.

Oh, boy.

You'll have to put him in a
dark clothes closet to see that.

Okay.

Now get down out of there.

Hey, listen to this.

Hey, will you quit it?

You're gonna wear
out Lucky's neck.

Hey, Bub, you want
to hear a real neat lick?

Do we have any choice?

Hi, you guys.

Oh, hi, Mike. Hi.

Oh, hamburger, great.

Yeah, but that's for Tramp.

Well, I love hamburger.

Well, then I give in.

We'll have hamburger.

Here, give the liver to Tramp.

What kept you so late?

Oh, we had kind of an

emergency meeting at the house.

Emergency meeting?

Yeah. We got the annual
Pledge Sponsor Dance

coming up this Friday.

You know, everything's got to be

first-class with the Sigma Gams.

Boy, what a hassle.

So you buy a couple
of rolls of crepe paper

and borrow a punch
bowl from somebody,

and where's your hassle?

Well, we can't even find a band.

Tim's the entertainment chairman
and he's been all over town.

Well, how about the
Temple Troubadours?

Who are the Temple Troubadours?

Well, us.

They call themselves that
because after they troubadour

for a while, you get a
throbbing in the temple.

Well, how about it, Mike?

No, Rob, we need a real band.

Well, we've got a real band.

We're getting so we can hit
grace notes and everything.

Why don't you give
them a chance?

Yeah. Oh, Bub, it's
out of the question.

I mean, this is a college deal.

If I bring a bunch
of high school...

Aw, come on, Mike.

Knock it off...

But, Mike, we're getting good...

Knock it off!

Mike, you're a
college man yourself.

Now cut out
saying, "Knock it off."

Well, it's just an expression.

Well, knock it off!

Look, Mike, how about if I bring

your books up to
your room for you.

Then we can talk about...

Now, there's no sense
in buttering me up, Rob.

It just can't be done.

But, Mike, you want a real band,

and here we are,
right under your nose.

Yeah, well, you're
getting in my hair.

Look, Mike, I admit that-that
maybe we weren't very good

at first, but after Dad
started helping us,

look at the great improvement
we've made. Right, Bub?

Right.

See? Oh, come on, you guys.

Get off my back, will you?

It's just impossible.

All right, then let's
forget all about it.

Mike, I want you to run
down to the butchers for me

right after dinner.

Why?

Look, Tramp won't eat the liver.

How do you like that?

Selfish brothers and
a prima donna dog.

Mike, I'll go down to
the butchers for you.

Look, I told you, there's
no sense in buttering me up.

And I'm not being selfish,
Bub, I'm being practical.

Well, why don't you
give them a tryout?

Yeah. Since you can't
get anybody cheaper.

Look, I know they've improved,

but you couldn't
call them profess...

Cheaper?

How much cheaper?

Well, I didn't ask.

I didn't want to
blow the whole deal.

Are they any good?

After all, last year, they had
Boo Bates and the Bongo Boys.

Yeah.

Well, I admit at first Rob's
band wasn't very good,

but-but since my dad
started helping them...

Your dad?!

Yeah. What's wrong with that?

Well, isn't that sort of like

getting Shakespeare to
write jokes for Bob Hope?

Oh, no.

My dad used to play
a pretty good horn.

Used to.

After all, Mike, this
is my responsibility

as chairman to get
the best outfit we can.

Now, you shouldn't have
tried to ring in your family on us.

Hey, wait a minute.

I'm not trying to ring
in anybody on anything.

Now, look, if you guys
got a better idea, fine.

All I did was set
up an audition...

Audition.

Yeah.

They're waiting over
at my house right now.

Hey, uh, it wouldn't do any harm

just to go over
and listen, right?

Right.

Let's go. Come on.

Okay.

Gee whiz, when are
they gonna get here?

Take it easy.

There's nothing to
be nervous about.

I'm not nervous so much;
it's just that I feel kind of sick.

My mouth is dry.

So is mine.

I'm sure glad I play drums.

Look, there's nothing
to get so shook up about.

They're just guys.

Yeah, college guys.

They're here!

Now, now, relax,
you understand, relax!

You're good, remember that.

Hey, they're coming! And
there's nothing to be scared of.

Come on, let's get set up.

Easy!

Hi.

You guys know my grandfather.

Hi. Hi, there. Hi.

Uh, fellas, this is Tim
Weede and Marty Baker.

Tim's entertainment
committee chairman.

Yeah.

See fellas, Sigma Gamma Chi

is one of the leading
houses on campus.

Now, naturally, when
we give a dance,

we don't mess around.

Now, Mike here
recommended you fellas,

and I'm sure you'll live up
to his recommendations.

Uh, excuse me.

Now, do you know,
uh, "Gone, Gone Baby"?

Uh, well, no.

How about "Twisted Doll"?

Uh, no, I don't think so.

What a... I'm, I'm sorry.

It's all right.

Uh, how about playing,
"Zero In, Clyde"?

Uh... h-how about, uh...

"Rampart Street Parade"?

"Rampart Street" what?

"Rampart Street Parade."

That's a Dixieland arrangement
my father taught them.

Well, I don't think Dixieland's
exactly what we had in mind.

No offense of course, fellows.

Well, it wouldn't do
any harm to listen, right?

Right. Right.

Okay, Rob, go on, play.

Okay, ready, you guys?

One, two... Wait a minute!

I got my foot caught
in the bass pedal.

Ready?

- One, two.
- Uh-oh, hold it!

Some goof must've
kicked my amplifier plug.

It's plugged in.

Why don't you try turning it on?

Oh, yeah.

Okay, now.

Ready? One, two.

Get that turtle out of here.

How come?

This is no time to have
him knocking our band.

Okay.

ROBBIE: One, two.

Come on, Lucky,
put your head out.

They're playing better now.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Boy, wait till I tell Robbie
you listened to his band!

It'll be like getting
an "A" in music!

♪ ♪

Hey, Robbie, come on, let's
see you up here a minute.

We were a little
nervous at first...

Well, you sounded great, Rob.

Uh, Robbie, with the limited
money that we have to spend,

a good band is
out of the question.

I-I mean a real band.

Oh, sure, sure.

Now, so far, my decision rests

between you and a trio
that I've heard, and well,

frankly, the trio's a little bit
more experienced and mature.

One of them even has a mustache.

What kind of uniforms
do you guys have?

Uniforms? Yeah.

Oh, well...

Oh, uh, we decided to
rent something like this.

Oh, Jazz Age stuff, that's
good. That's very good.

Hey, yeah!

Now, what are you
guys gonna cost us?

Oh, well, let's see, there...
there's six of us all together.

Now, keep in mind
that you might be in line

for other dances
if the price is right.

Oh, yeah, sure.

Well, say, would
five dollars be okay?

Five dollars? Apiece!

That's $30, with three
dollars extra for the leader.

That brings it to exactly $33.

Well, I... You
talk in your sleep.

Mmm... Hey, Mike,
take a look at this.

Hey, that's all right!
How about that?

Hey, Bub, look!

Well, add spats
and stir with a cane.

They only cost
three dollars to rent.

Now, that's using
the old cerebellum.

Five dollars for the job,

three dollars for the uniform,

and, uh, with what's left,

you can each buy yourselves,
a little ranch in Texas.

Well, if they do
well, this job's

just an investment
for the future.

Yeah. Oh, hi, Hank, come on in.

- Oh, hi, Hank.
- Hi, Hank.

Well, my mom says the guy
down at the costume place goofed.

Yes, it does
look a little loose.

That's because he tried
it on over his sweatshirt.

I think I got somebody
else's hat, too.

Oh, well, Carl's hat
is too large for him,

and his jacket's too small,
so you can just swap.

Okay. Hey, what's
wrong with your lip?

Oh, it's a little sore from all
the rehearsing we've been doing.

I had to put zinc
ointment on it.

Well, then quit rehearsing!

Oh, no, he'll be
all right, Mike.

Well, listen, the dance
is tomorrow night.

Now, don't goof things
up by being eager beavers.

Let me see that lip.

Doesn't it hurt when you eat?

Not a bit; I've been
eating through a straw.

Through a straw?!

Hey, can you play
tomorrow night?

Oh, sure. Don't worry, Mike.

Sure. Sure.

How do you know?

I skinned my knee worse than that
lots of times, and I could still walk.

Aren't you getting
dressed kind of early?

Yeah, well, I thought I'd go
over to the house a little early

and see that
everything's all right.

Oh. What are you dressed up for?

Oh, we're gonna have a dress
rehearsal before the dance.

Mm.

Well, Mike, thanks a lot

for telling the guys
about us. Oh, that's okay.

I hope we play
real good for you.

I mean, I wouldn't want
to wreck it for my brother.

Well, look Rob, I think
I'd better tell you that, uh...

the only reason I suggested
your band in the first place

was for economic reasons.

But since you guys have
been practicing this week,

you've gotten pretty good.

No kidding.

Well, the only thing is, gee,

I wish Dad was gonna
be here to hear us.

Well, that must
be the fellas now.

Jeepers, it looks
like a balloon!

Can you play with that lip?

I don't know.

I can hardly talk.

Don't everybody applaud at once.

Rob and I will settle for polite
murmurs of acclaim, huh?

Oh, no!

Oh, it got worse!

I told you not to
rehearse anymore!

Look at him!

It's not from rehearsing.

I slid into third
base on my face.

Well, can you play?

I'm gonna try,
but... I don't think so.

Maybe we can get Frank Sortino

on the, on the sax and clarinet.

And Hank can play
the claves or something.

You can't throw somebody
in at the last minute!

Well, there must be
somebody around who can fill in.

Mary Lou Gifford's taking
lessons on the ukelele.

But all she can play
is "Lovely Hula Hands."

I knew something
like this would happen,

fooling around with kids.

Mike, look, we can just play
without the sax and clarinet.

It won't sound as full, but
you can still dance to it.

Look, Robbie, the pledges

are trying to impress
the active Sigma Gams,

as well as the
rest of the school!

Now, you can't impress
anybody with half a band!

Now, we need somebody, anybody,

who knows those
Dixieland arrangements

and can play saxophone
as well as clarinet.

Now, I don't care how you do it,

but you'd better get
somebody and quick!

Oh, hi, fellas.

Isn't anybody glad to see me?

Oh, you're a lifesaver,
Dad! Just in time!

Look, I'm not gonna do it.

You've got to get somebody
else! No, we can't, Dad.

It looks fine! I'll
bet it looks fine.

I'm not gonna get up in
front... Maybe not the hat.

Here. Give me that other
hat. Yeah, change hats.

I'm not gonna get
up in front of people...

No, will you stop this now?!

Once and for all, I
am not going to do it!

Hi. Hi.

Hi.

I didn't know Eddie
was a Sigma Gam.

Oh, sure.

♪ ♪

Hey, he's cute. Eddie?

No, the big one in
the middle of the band.

I wonder why a
nice-looking man like that

would play with a
bunch of younger kids.

Well, maybe he needs the money.