My Three Sons (1960–1972): Season 2, Episode 1 - Birds and Bees - full transcript

Hi. This is Mike.

How are you?

Did your, uh, folks
say anything about me

getting you home so late?

Good.

Oh, my dad was asleep,
but Bub was up watching TV.

No, he won't squeal.

You, uh, you sure
looked pretty last night.

Ugh.

Hey, guess what?

All right, all right!
Hey, you guys...



Who slammed that door just now?

Me. Hey, Bub, guess
what happened?

Never mind what happened.

How many times
have I told you guys

not to slam any doors around
here when I'm baking a cake?

I'm sorry, Bub.

I didn't smell it in time.

Did it go flat?

Did it go flat? Like a pizza!

Hang that phone up, you.

And, Robbie, get
your feet off the couch.

Gee whiz, doesn't anybody
want to hear what happened?

We'll talk about that at dinner.

Tramp's a father!



What's that?

I said Tramp's a father.

Tramp is what?

He's a father.

He's got six kids. Wow.

Well... Who's the lucky, uh...

I mean, uh, who's Tramp's wife?

Jelly Bean Snyder.

Jelly Bean Snyder?

Yeah, that's Billy
Snyder's dog's name.

You remember Billy Snyder.

He's the one who poured
chocolate malt in your pipe.

Oh, yeah.

Well, do the, uh, do the
puppies look like Tramp?

Uh-uh. They're too
brand-new to look like anybody.

Well, two of them
will look like Tramp,

and two of them will
look like Jelly Bean,

and the other two
will be toss-ups,

according to the Mendelian law.

Well, if any of them
look like Tramp,

the law should be repealed.

Ask for it.

See how it sounds when you ask.

May I, uh, please
have the gravy?

Oh, Dad, you gotta write a note

to Old Lady Purdy that
says it's okay for me

to go on a biology
field trip Saturday.

Okay. Oh, yeah, and
you gotta sign this.

How long you been
carrying this around?

It's been through the washer.

All it says is there's a meeting
at school tomorrow night.

Just sign where it
says "I won't be there."

Why did you wait till
now to give it to me?

Well, I forgot.

Besides, you never go
to these things anyway.

"The parents of the children of
the Webster Elementary School

"are invited to attend a
lecture on the discovery

"of the opposite sex
by the pre-adolescent

"and the delicacy with which
it should be handled at home.

"To be given by
Miss Muriel Stewart

of our Sociology Department."

Sounds delightful.

I used to have Old Lady Stewart
when I went to Chip's school.

She's an old bat.

What's an opposite sex?

Eat your string beans.

Mine!

I'll get it.

Anything to get out
of doing the dishes.

You know, Bub, I think maybe

we ought to go down
to school tomorrow night.

We? Yeah.

How's chances of having
another phone put in, Dad?

Yes, I'll do that first
thing in the morning.

No, seriously, Bub.

Hal Mosby and his wife
have gone to some of these

night sessions at school
and he says they learn a lot

about how to handle their kids.

How do we know we're saying

or doing the right
thing for the boys?

Maybe we're not
bringing them up right.

Now, what kind of talk is that?

These are the three
finest boys in the country.

Sure we are, Dad.

Eat your string beans.

Bub, I've been planning

on having that, uh,
"little talk" with Chip.

And now I'm kind
of afraid to do it

because I'm-I'm afraid I
might put it the wrong way.

What little talk?

Eat your string beans.

Why don't you just
tell him about the birds

and the bees and the pollen?

There's never been
anything wrong with that.

According to this, there has.

You know, Dad's right, Bub.

It was all I could do
to keep a straight face

when you started that
birds and bees jazz with me.

There, you see?

Mike, your father and
I were having a talk.

I couldn't go to that meeting
tomorrow night anyway.

I got a million things to do.

Well, we're going
one of these nights,

so you might as well
adjust your mind to it.

All right.

"Will not attend."

Chip, get the phone, will you?

I'm sure it isn't for me.

Hello?

That's the dumbest
thing I ever heard.

You must be some kind
of kook or something.

Chip!

Yeah, well, that's no sign

you can start this
kind of junk with me.

Well, who asked you
to play football anyway?

It was not touch
football, it was tackle.

If you weren't so stupid,
you'd have known it.

You better start
playing with the girls.

Good-bye.

Well, that was certainly

a nice way to talk to
one of your friends.

Who needs that creep?
Well, just the same, Chip,

I've never known
you to be so rude.

Now, who were you talking to?

That slobby Maxine O'Hare.

Well, just...

You mean you
were talking to a girl?

Sure, Dad. I wouldn't
talk to the guys like that.

Well, what did she
do that was so terrible?

Just 'cause I corked her
on the arm a couple times

she went and asked
me to take her to a picnic.

You corked her?

Sure, Dad, real
easy, like... that.

Guess she thought I was
getting mushy or something.

Well, why would she think
you were getting mushy

just because you
corked her on the arm?

I don't know.

Girls are sure goofy.

It's almost 8:00.

Flash will be on in a minute.

Bub, did you ever hear of a girl
thinking you were getting mushy

just because you, uh,
corked her on the arm?

Nope. They usually
turn black and blue.

What I mean is, I think
we could learn a few things

about the way our children think

by going to that
school meeting tonight.

Yeah, well, I'll leave a piece
of cake in the icebox for you.

One of these
nights, we're going.

Dad?

Mm-hmm.

How did Jelly Bean know
which trash can to look into?

The what?

Miss Snyder said, Jelly Bean

found her puppies
in the trash can.

How did she know
which one to look into?

Well, uh, Chip, I'm not sure

that's where Jelly
Bean got her puppies.

I think, uh... Sure, it is.

You get puppies in trash cans,

kittens under houses, and
baby goats under bridges.

And I must admit to a
little bit of disappointment

at the small
turnout this evening,

for the subject we're going to
discuss is of prime importance

to every family in
the school district.

Please be seated, gentlemen.

There are three stages
to adolescent behavior

that you parents at
home must watch for.

One, the stage where
your son refuses to admit

that such a thing
as a girl exists.

You and I are practically
the only men in the joint.

Yeah. Just this one.

I feel just like a
rooster in a henhouse.

Especially for the
child in question...

And the queen of the chicken
coop is perched right behind us.

Of course, this may be assumed

to be nothing more
than self-consciousness

and isn't to be
taken too seriously.

Looks like that Old Lady Stewart

that Robbie was talking
about didn't show up.

Yeah.

This is a very
nice-looking woman.

Yeah, she's all right
if you like them skinny.

Skinny?

Trouble with you is you
never got over the Floradora...

Thank you.

Now to get back to the theme.

And then sometimes a
boy will actually hit a girl,

on the arm perhaps,

or even over the
head with a book.

She's terrific.

Makes me feel kind of goofy
to have Dad down at school.

Yeah, I know.

He might talk to
Old Lady Stewart.

Oh, no, he won't.

Dad's got more sense
than to talk to teachers.

Yeah, but sometimes
parents do goofy things.

William Toomey's mother
comes down to school every day

and brings him his lunch.

I'd shoot myself.

He's gonna run away
to Spain, but he's waiting

till he gets into a high enough
grade where they teach Spanish.

Oh, quit worrying. Dad
won't do anything dumb.

Yeah, I guess not.

Good night.

How do you do?
I'm Steve... Hello.

It sure is nice of you to
step in at the last minute.

What happened to
Old Lady Stewart?

Old Lady Stewart?

Yeah. He means we're
pleasantly surprised to see you.

After what our son said, we...

Well, I'm Muriel Stewart.

But we expected...
Don't let it bother you.

Every teacher in school is
Old Lady something or other.

And to the tender age of nine,
anyone over ten is an old bat.

I see.

What can I do for you?

Oh, I'm Steve Douglas,

and this is my
father-in-law, Mr. O'Casey.

We're Chip's, uh, parents.

Yes, I know.

We-we think Chip
is going through

that second stage you mentioned.

He's not, uh...

Well, he's not
very nice to girls.

Yes, Chip is beginning to
notice one girl in particular.

Her name is Maxine.

In fact, he's
noticing her so much,

I've had to move her
clear across the room

for her own protection.

Oh.

Well, of course, that is
just being a boy, isn't it?

Precisely, Mr. Douglas.

Have you talked to him yet?

About what?

The life cycle.

Oh. Oh, well, no, as a
matter of fact, I haven't.

I... I'd been planning to, but,

well, I thought

maybe Chip's grandfather
could talk to him and...

Oh, no, no, no.

I think that's up to
his father, don't you?

It is the father's job.

There. You see?

Well, the psychology of
this sort of thing seems

to have changed so much
lately that I'm not sure that I...

Simply talk to him man-to-man.

Be factual and impersonal.

Mm-hmm.

Where do you suggest I start?

At the beginning.

Oh, just like the old way?

Of course.

You know, it's so
nice having men

at these meetings for a change.

I wish we had more
fathers like you.

Oh, thank you.

Mr. Douglas,

I wonder if I might talk
to you about something.

Well, certainly.

What did you have in mind?

Bub, will you stop
talking about it?

I still say you're a patsy.

Did I promise her anything?

No, but you will

when she makes goo-goo
eyes at you tomorrow.

All I said was that I
might drop by the school.

Yeah. Rob, why
aren't you in bed?

I just have one more
page of algebra to do.

Well, hurry it up, will you?

All she wants is
a man's viewpoint

on that father and son
dinner that's coming up.

Sure she does.

Like we used to
say in vaudeville,

"A man's head's like a doorknob.

Any woman can turn it."

Do you mean you actually
said that in front of people?

We certainly did,
and we got laughs,

which is more than you'll get

with that life cycle
stuff with Chip.

But whether you
get laughs or not,

I'm gonna see that
you do it right now.

Wait. No, Bub. It's late.

Come on. I don't
care how late it is.

For goodness sakes. Come on.

Go on.

No. Why not?

Well, like I said, it's late,

and, well, you can't rush
through a thing like this.

You know what's
the matter with you?

You're chicken.

You know something?
You're right.

Yeah.

Oh, his light's out.

He's asleep.

No I'm not, Dad.

He's not asleep.

Just be factual and impersonal.

Like the lady said.

Exactly.

Something wrong, Dad?

No, no, nothing's wrong, Chip.

It's just that, uh,

well, I thought we
ought to have a little talk.

What about?

Well, about, uh... about life,

about living, actually.

The cycle of life, I
believe they call it.

Heck, I know all about that.

You do?

Yeah.

After the egg
hatches, it's a polliwog,

and pretty soon,
some legs grow out,

and then the tail
falls off, and it's a frog.

Yes, that's right, Chip.

But I'm afraid there's a
little more to life than that.

Yeah, but we don't get to study

about jellyfish and
sharks till next semester.

Well, now, Chip... Uh,
where are you going?

I'm going to get my best rock.

Well, now, Chip, someday
you're going to get married.

Get married? Haven't even
got my driver's license yet.

I said someday.

And when you get married, you...

Chip, you can play with
your rock tomorrow, huh?

I'm trying to tell
you something.

I'm listening.

All right.

Now, Chip, when you get
to the study of mammals

in your biology class,

you'll find that
man is a mammal.

So... we're all
animals, and so...

Yeah, I know. I got a
teacher that looks like a cow.

Please, Chip, I-I-I'm
trying to tell you something.

Yes, sir?

All right, let's
try it this way.

Let's start by saying
that getting married is

the beginning of
the life cycle, so...

Why?

Well, because we
have to start somewhere.

Oh, heck, I forgot
to brush my teeth.

Well, look, Chip,
forget your teeth,

will you, please?

Now, suppose I got married again

and you had a little
brother or a little sister.

That would be the
beginning of the life cycle.

Now, do you understand
what I am trying to say to you?

Dad, can I ask you something?

Of course you may,
Chip, and I'll try to answer it

as factually and
impersonally as I can.

Well, don't forget to tell Bub

about it's okay not
brushing my teeth

'cause he gets real
sore when I don't.

I'll tell him.

Chip, if I'm not back
in a few minutes,

you... you go to
sleep, all right?

Nothing?

Nothing.

You beat around
the bush too much.

Watch me.

Hi, Chip.

Hey, Bub.

How do you feel?

I feel fine.

How do you feel?

Okay.

What are you walking around for?

What I want to walk around for.

Feel all right, huh?

Now, Chip, I want you to listen
and I want you to listen good.

There's pollen on the flowers.

The bees fly around
and land on the flowers

and slap around
with their feet...

Then they fly around
and land on other flowers,

and new flowers are born.

Just like the birds when
they spread seed around

and then new plants are born.

It'll be the same kind of a
deal if your dad gets married.

Now, you can figure
the rest out for yourself.

Now, good night.

And if you don't get up

the first time I call
you in the morning,

no breakfast.

What was Bub hollering about?

I don't know. I think him
and Dad are kind of mixed up.

Oh, yeah, what did they say?

I think we're going
to get a beehive.

A beehive? What for?

So the bees can go out
and land on the flowers

and slap around with their feet.

You know, uh, you sound like
you got a fever or something.

Dad came in here for no reason.

He was telling me
about how people were

just a bunch of animals.

He did?

Yeah, and he talked
kind of nervous,

like when you have to say
a poem in front of a class.

What else did he say?

Well, he said something
about if we get a motorcycle,

maybe we can have
a brother or sister.

A motorcycle?

I don't know,
some kind of cycle.

Maybe he meant a life cycle,

like they've been
giving us in biology.

Yeah, life cycle. And
he said something

about a brother and a sister.

Oh, man.

Chip, don't you realize what
they've been trying to tell you?

No, what?

Dad's going to get married.

Jeepers.

Sounds like a bird farm.

What?

I said it's a little
loud in here.

That's because of the noise.

What's so funny?

Old Lady Stewart's
got a boyfriend.

All right, Mr. Shoemaker.

Good, I'll see you there.

Thanks a lot.

Well...

15 out of 25, that's not too
bad for an amateur, huh?

May I speak to Miss
Stewart, please?

Oh, good.

Hello, Muriel.

This is Steve.

I just wanted to
call you and tell you

I've gotten 15 promised
out of 25 Psst, psst.

And a couple of probables.

Yeah.

Well, that's very
nice of you to say.

Oh, no, no, I was glad to do it.

You know, I'm just
as interested in making

this father and son thing
a success as you are,

now that I've
finally seen the light.

Yeah.

Oh, don't mention it.

I'll-I'll be talking to you.

Good-bye, Muriel.

"Good-bye, Muriel."

We're getting a little
chummy, aren't we?

Why, because I call
her by her first name?

Oh, don't be silly.

Well, she's a pretty good
looking dame, you know.

Will you stop that?

She's going to get married
at the end of the semester.

Yeah, but you forgot to
mention the name of the groom.

I don't know the
name of the groom.

She's marrying a navy
lieutenant or something.

Oh.

Boy, if I ever really got
interested in a woman,

I don't know what'd
happen around here.

That's the way it ended
the last time they showed it.

Dad's getting married?

Whatever gave you that idea?

He tried to tell
Chip last night.

And I saw them at school today.

They were so close together,

I bet he could smell
her clunky ol' perfume.

Who?

Old Lady Stewart.

What a creepy thing
to happen to your father.

I don't believe it.

Everybody in school saw them.

Well, all right, all right,
suppose it were true.

I think we ought
to be happy for Dad

instead of thinking about
ourselves all the time.

Hey, maybe she's trying to
blackmail him or something.

Oh, Robbie.

Look, marriage might be
something that Dad wants,

so wipe that beat-up
look off your face.

How would you like your
friends being flunked right and left

by your own mother?

How would you like to
be Old Lady Douglas' kid?

How would you like...?

All right, all right.

Look, if Dad's really going
to get married, he'll tell us.

In the meantime, don't
say anything about this

to him or to anybody else.

Sure.

Promise?

Sure, think I want my friends

to know Dad's going to
marry a schoolteacher?

Boys back from
the movie yet, Bub?

No, and they better hurry up

'cause I'm putting on
an early dinner tonight.

Hi, Chipper.

Hi.

You know, Bub, I'm
worried about him.

He said three words in a month,

and that was one of them.

Well, there's nothing wrong

that a good dose of
castor oil won't cure.

Just the same, when
he doesn't want to go

to a movie on a
Saturday afternoon...

Yeah.

Oh, hi. Come on in.

Thank you.

I can only stay a minute.

Glad to see you.

Hi, Muriel. Hi.

I've misplaced my
list of phone numbers

for the father and son banquet,

and I wondered if I
might borrow yours.

Oh, sure. I've got it
right here in the briefcase.

Why don't you hang
around and stay for dinner?

We're going to have
"dulligan" stew tonight.

Thanks very much, but I can't.

Dulligan stew?

Yeah, that's mulligan stew
that's not very interesting.

Well, vaudeville
died a long time ago,

but Bub just wants to make sure.

Not bad, huh?

Let me check it over.

Perhaps I called them.

May be the last job
I do for the school.

Well, have you and
your lieutenant decided

where you're going to
spend your honeymoon?

Not yet. Any suggestions?

Oh, there's only one place
for a honeymoon... Hawaii.

What's wrong with Niagara Falls?

Nothing, I guess,
it's just that,

well, I lean toward
the tropics, that's all.

I guess it really doesn't matter

as long as we're together.

I think we ought
to be happy for Dad

instead of thinking about
ourselves all the time.

Marriage might be
something that Dad wants,

so get that beat-up
look off your face.

Why, hello, Chip.

Oh, hello, Miss Stewart.

Was there something
you wanted, Chip?

I want you both to
know I think it's swell.

What's swell, Chip?

I mean, about you
and Miss Stewart.

Why, thank you, Chip.

Your father and I have gotten
a great deal accomplished

in rather a short time.

I'll say.

Well, is that all you
wanted to say, Chip?

I guess so.

Are we still going to
be living in this house?

What?

I mean, after the honeymoon.

After what...?

Wait a minute.

Chip, Chip, d-did you think
that Miss Stewart and I were...

Chip, you didn't actually think

that your father and I
were going to be married?

No, look, Chip... Chip...

Chip, wait a minute.

You'll have to excuse me.

I think I have a little
explaining to do.

I understand.

I've got to be running anyhow.

Thanks so much. You're welcome.

Good-bye. Good-bye, Muriel.

Hey, Chipper.

Chip.

Miss Stewart and I
weren't laughing at you.

We were just laughing, well,
because for some reason,

you thought we were
going to get married.

That's okay, Dad.

No, no, it's not okay, Chip.

I must have... Dad?

Yes?

Do you mind not doing that?

Doing what, Chip?

Putting your arm around me,

'cause when you do it,
I'm scared I'm gonna cry.

Oh. Sorry.

Whatever gave you the idea

that we were going
to get married, Chip?

I don't know, junk
that went on, I guess.

Oh.

Look, I'm just
thinking out loud,

but is it possible you thought
we were getting married

because you really want
a woman around here?

Heck, no.

You sure?

Heck, yes.

Who wants to smell
that clunky ol' perfume

around here all the time?

Well, I'll tell you, if I
ever do get the idea

of marrying somebody
with that clunky ol' perfume,

I'll check with you guys.

You will? Sure.

We'll have a regular
vote around here...

Ballot boxes and
everything. Okay?

Okay.

Oh, sorry.

Hey, Dad!

Dad, look what we got.

Did you just bring
the two of 'em?

Aw, can we keep 'em, Dad?

No, no! I said no!

One Tramp around here is enough.

Now get out of here.
Oh, come on, Bub.

Get 'em out of here.
Bub, we need 'em.

Put a newspaper under that.