My Three Sons (1960–1972): Season 1, Episode 6 - Adjust or Bust - full transcript

(theme song plays)

(utensils lightly clanking)

Uh, very tasty soup, Bub.

The, uh, nice thing
about thin soup like this

is it's not too filling.

I mean, uh, it sort of
whets your appetite

for the rest of the dinner.

(chuckles)

What rest of the...?
Shh... What's that?

Nothing.

Okay, that does it.



Now get to your homework.

Never mind the dishes.

I'll take care of 'em.

What do you mean "that does it"?

Is this all we're
getting for dinner?

(stammers, chuckles)

Are we on some kind
of a diet or something?

No, that's just Bub's corny way
of telling us we're out of food.

Out of food?

Yeah, Bub's all
shook up b... Chip.

You're darn right

I'm all shook up. Look,
Dad, I tried to explain to Bub...

I don't mind doing the
cooking, scrubbing...

that I have a few
obligations of my own.



And the housework around here...

I mean, I can't spend
all day, every day...

but when it comes
to running the errands

and buying the groceries...
hauling him around town.

I think it's only fair...

It's not fair, Dad.
That I have a little help.

Let's... now, just a
minute, just a minute.

Mike promised Bub to pick
him up after school and...

I did not promise. Look here, young
man, when we want your two cents

we'll let you know. I
said if I could I would,

but I certainly didn't promise.

You've already done plenty around
here today. Why don't you butt out anyway?

All right, let's not argue.

It's not good on
an empty stomach.

Mike promised.

Now, it seems fantastic,
but I gather we're out of food,

and all because Mike,

for apparently good
reasons, has upset Bub...

And justifiably so... by not
taking him shopping today.

Correct?

Today, yesterday
and the day before that.

Well, it's not my fault, Dad.

So darned many unexpected
things came up at school.

Unexpected is right.

Rally Day, Post-Rally
Day, Pre-Rally Day.

I've had my fill of
senior activities.

I'm fed up.

I wish I were.

Well, it seems we do
have a little problem.

Mike has some
obligations to meet

and Bub has a few things
to pick up downtown.

A few things?

Laundry, cleaning, groceries,

and I was supposed to
pick up the lawnmower

about a week ago.

How am I going to
get all those things

in that sawed-off
little jalopy of his?

It's not sawed-off,
it's cut-down.

Well, sawed-off or cut-down,

I'm sure it'll hold all the
things you have to pick up, Bub.

It has a big trunk in the back.

Are you kidding?

That trunk's been
rusted shut for years.

It isn't rusted, it's locked.

Oh, Mike, unlock it.

Well, I, I lost the key.

I'm getting hungrier
every minute.

See?

Well, all we have to do is
make a slight adjustment.

We? Dad.

Don't ask me to adjust.

I've adjusted myself
right out of food.

Now, Bub, don't be inflexible.

Healthy living is simply an...

ALL: Endless series
of small adjustments.

That's right. Phooey.

Dad. Just a minute, Chip.

I'm starving...
starving to death.

STEVE: All right,
here's the solution.

Mike, tomorrow you drive
the station wagon to school

and arrange your schedule
so that you can take

your granddad shopping
in the afternoon. Okay?

Okay.

Dad? Are you going
to take the bus?

No, no, I'm not proud;
I'll drive your car.

Now, what do you say
we all adjust ourselves

to a big hamburger down
at Freddie's Drive-In?

Yow-ee!

Dad!

Oh, I'm sorry, Chip, what is it?

I forget.

Come on, get your coat.

Ooh...

Whoa! Watch, hey,
whoa, get in there.

Now, personally, Douglas,

I'm convinced that
you're the right man.

You're a clear thinker,
sharp eye for detail,

and not likely to get bogged
down by government red tape.

Thank you, sir.

I'm sure I had it.

I couldn't have gotten
in without it, could I?

(chuckles)

Here it is.

Good.

Figured you were the right man.

Thank you.

Shall we take your car?

Oh, certainly, General.

Oh, I, uh, I forgot.

We've had a little
transportation mix-up

at the house and I'm
driving my son's car.

I don't think we...

Are you apologizing, Douglas?

Well, no, sir, it isn't that, it's
just that... Well, adjust to it.

Can't be inflexible, you know.

I know, sir.

BOTH: Life is
just a series of...

Small adjustments.

Come on, Johnson,
no time for that.

May I have your
identification, please?

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Well, here we are.

Thanks, Douglas.

Ah, look out.

(horn wolf whistles)

(chuckling nervously): I'm
sorry, General, I didn't know...

Uh, come on,
Johnson, let's get out.

Well, see you at your
house for dinner tonight.

Fine, General, about 6:30 sharp.

Good. I'm looking forward

to a good home-cooked
dinner for a change.

Good... here... can I
help? Come on, Johnson.

I guess I can't.

Maybe you'd better
get out this side.

Yes.

(chuckles)

At this rate, we may have
to have dinner in the car.

Yes.

Uh, hold it.

Lean forward, Johnson.

(grunts)

Oh, that's clear
thinking, General. Yes.

Certainly makes it more
comfortable, doesn't it?

Yes, well, thanks for the ride.

You're perfectly welcome, sir.

See you at 6:30.

All right.

We'll be ready and
waiting, General.

You sure I can't pick
you up someplace?

No, thanks, I'll take a cab.

(clutch grinds loudly)

(backfires)

(backfiring)

Good man, Douglas.

Used to be a fine pilot.

Funny, some men just
never adjust to civilian life.

Come on, Johnson.

(engine sputtering loudly)

Where's Dad?

What?

Where's Dad?

Yeah, it sounds pretty bad.

I wonder how he's
doing with my rod.

Maybe it's a loose gasket.

What?

Gasket.

Yeah, I just filled it up.

Okay, you fellas.

Robbie, shut that
thing off. (backfires)

Your dad just called and he says

there's a two-star general
coming to dinner tonight.

(backfires)

Robbie, turn
that darn thing off.

I know, it doesn't sound
very good, does it?

Ah... Mike, come
here, you have to hurry.

He wants you to meet him at
the McKinley bus stop at 6:00.

Bus stop? What'd
he do to my car?

(backfiring)

Robbie, turn that thing off.

Well, uh, there's some kind
of adjustment to be made.

He'll explain it to you
when you pick him up.

Robbie. Oh,
that's tough to take.

Huh?

I said, "That's tough to take."

Why? He's ridden the bus before.

No, I mean about my car.

(groans)

(backfires)

Hey, you cut off the gas.

Yes, and I'll shut off your gas

if you don't get in the house.

There's a two-star general
coming to dinner tonight.

(backfiring) Now get in there.

Wow, why didn't you say so?

Well, I was just too
shy to mention it.

Now get in there.

Will you dry up?

(sputtering stops)

(backfires, hisses)

(mouthing)

Garfield... Garfield next.

Accidents, murders

and platinum-haired
hotsy totsies.

I beg your pardon?

Same thing every day.

Oh, yeah.

Haven't read a
newspaper in ten years.

How'd the Yankees make out?

Oh, they won three to two.

What's news about that?

Call theirselves newspapers.

I like history myself.

How about you?

Yeah, yeah, history's fine.

History is like life.

Always thought
I'd write a history

of my life someday.

That'd make real
interesting reading

for people, wouldn't it?

Well, I guess that'd depend

on what kind of life you've had.

I'm glad you asked me that.

We was all born in a town
upstate called Rockfield.

There were me and my
four brothers and five sisters.

Things happened
sometimes, once in awhile.

Think that'd make an
interesting beginning to the story?

Yeah, that... that
would be fine.

Just to give you an
idea what it was like,

when the chores was done

and we weren't too tuckered out,

why, we'd all of us...

well, no, not all
of us, because...

(rock 'n' roll music
playing over stereo)

Wasn't that something?

Mm-hm.

And freckles to match.

Never seen so many freckles

on one kid in my whole life.

DRIVER: Cleveland...
Cleveland next.

More freckles than a
dog has fleas. Yeah.

Of course, that
was Eulalia's boy.

You remember me
telling you about Eulalia?

Oh, yeah, yeah, she was, uh,

Uncle Rice's niece. Yup.

On your mother's side.

Played the ukulele. Banjo.

Banjo.

Red-haired, freckle-faced

and a temper to match.

So ornery, no use
dickering with him.

What do you think of that?

Never forget the day when
we was down chopping weeds

over by where the dead
cottonwoods used to be.

Uh, McKinley... McKinley next.

(rock 'n' roll music
playing over stereo)

I took that old saw blade

and fastened it onto
that old hoe handle

with a piece of
rusty bailing wire.

Come pruning time,
it was just about

as handy as a pocket on a
shirt. DRIVER: Taft Street.

Course, probably my
book wouldn't sell so good.

It ain't gonna be
filled with all kinds

of murdering, women screaming

and science friction and all.

Oh, here's my stop.

Well, enjoyed talking to you.

Mm...

That's another
thing that's wrong

with newspapers nowadays.

People don't take the time

to talk to one another.
Mm-hmm, that's right.

The bus went right by
and didn't even stop.

What do you think happened, Bub?

I don't know,

but your Dad will probably
be on the next one.

He better be, anyway,

because the general's
due here pretty soon.

Well, maybe he
decided to take a cab.

Well, do you think I
ought to come home?

Nope, stay where you are.

He'll be along pretty quick.

Mm... (sighs)

Harding.

Harding?

What happened to McKinley?

He was assassinated.

I mean the street!

Oh, we passed that
about ten minutes ago.

Oh, my gosh, I slept
through my stop.

Let me off.

Hoover... Hoover next.

(rock 'n' roll music
playing over stereo)

Hey.

What the heck?

Ja. Well, I... I wonder if
I could use your phone.

I've had a little trouble...
Oh, yeah, come in.

Oh, come in, my
friends, come in.

I better go next... Come in.

I'll go... I'll go next door.

Come in.

(all talking at once)

(busy signal)

Darned Robbie, always
on the phone when I need it!

Steve?

Where in tarnation are you?

Well, never mind that, Bub,
is General Heffler there yet?

No, according to
the kitchen clock,

he's got 15 minutes,
unless he's late.

General Heffler
is never late, Bub.

Now, when he gets there...
You reach your wife, ja?

Uh, yes, yes... uh, no, I...

I mean, I'm not married.

Uh, Bub, where's Mike?

Not married?

Hedwig, Hedwig, some
punch for our unmarried guest!

Yeah, I got a little nervous
and I took the bus and, uh...

maybe I better call a cab.

No, no, no, Mike will be
calling me back any minute.

I'll have him pick you up.

Okay, I'm at, uh...

What... what is
the address here?

4201 Hoover.

4201 Hoover.

Yeah, it's a white house,
and it's right on the corner.

Hedwig, Hedwig,
my older daughter.

Beautiful girl, ja?

Yes, very pretty.

(laughing) Um... Only 35.

Bub, uh, I'll be
waiting outside.

Hedwig is not married also.

(stammering)

Oh. Hedwig makes it herself.

Thank you very much.

Bub, are you still there?

Yeah, what's going on?

Sounds like you're
having a party.

(busy signal)

Robbie, you big bag of wind!

I'll try you once more
in a few minutes,

and then I'm going home.

And, Bub, if, uh,
General Heffler

gets there before I do,
for Pete's sake, be careful

what you say to him, will you?

Strong... good
cook, too. No, no, no.

No, no, I didn't meant that,
I... Makes all her own clothes.

No, I just want you to
remember that contract he has

in his pockets is our food
for the next three months.

Yeah... okay, good-bye.

Fine young girl.

Sings, plays the tuba...

Well, not at the
same time, I bet.

Do you like bowling?

Well, yes, yes, I, uh,
I like to bowl, but...

Ja, Hedwig bowl 180.

180... that's very good for a
girl. And she loves children, too.

I'll bet she does.
Uh, maybe next time,

you and Hedwig go bowling, ja?

Oh, yeah, yeah. Ja.

I-I mean, I'm sure
she'll make somebody

a wonderful wife...
Thank you very much.

You're welcome.
Uh, don't you like it?

Oh, I'm sure it's very
good, but I-I-I'm in a hurry.

Thanks for letting me use the
phone. She has good sense of humor.

I can see that.

And her very own
checking account, too!

Boy, this just isn't my day.

General Heffler's probably
ringing the doorbell right now,

and here I stand.

Course, I know Bub
and the boys will treat him

as a general should
be treated... I hope.

(doorbell ringing)

CHIP: I'll get it.

(door opening) Hey, Bub,

there's a big clunky
guy here to see Dad.

My name is Heffler,
Major General,

United States Air Force.

BUB: Oh, yeah,
come on in, Sarge.

General.

(door closing)

CHIP: You gonna give my Dad
that important contract, mister?

General!

BUB: Steve just called.

Sounded like he was at a party

on the other side
of town, Sarge.

I am not a sergeant,
and I am not a mister!

I am an important
general who is not going

to give your father
an important contract!

Contract, contract, contract...

(horn honking)

Are you getting
on, or aren't you?

Oh, I'm sorry you stopped, I...

I'm just waiting for my boy...
He's going to pick me up...

unless something
else has gone wrong.

Okay, but if he's
like my kid brother,

you may be standing
there all night.

Yeah.

Hey.

You, uh... you
talked me into it.

Huh.

Boy, the characters
you meet driving a bus.

You know, I could
write a book about it.

Be darned interesting, too.

Why, just the other day,

this blonde got on my bus...

That's funny.

I'm sure Bub said he'd be
standing right on the corner.

Not there?

Well, listen, Mike,
I just talked to him.

Are you sure you're
at 42nd and Hoover?

Sure, I'm sure.

Mr. Swenson said
Dad just left here.

Who?

Swenson... I'm
calling from his house.

Maybe you hungry, ja?

Uh, well, yeah, thanks.

Bub, what do I do now?

Uh, Thea, Thea, bring the tray

for this nice, good
looking young man.

Beautiful girl, ja?

My youngest.

How do you do?

Bub, are you there?

Very fine anchovies Olga.

Thea makes it herself.

Thanks.

And such a good cook, that girl.

At her age, too.

Mmm.

You like her, ja?

Bub!

Bub?

Hello, Mike?

I'm sorry, but my
butterfly rolls were burning.

Yes.

Jeepers, Bub, when's
that general getting here?

Between this darned
tie and the hunger pangs,

I'm about gone.
Serves you right.

Mike, you stay
right where you are,

and I'll call you back.

Okay, Bub.

You like to dance?

It's harmony, six five, four,

three, seven. Three, seven.

Thea, come show this nice,

good looking young
man the polka.

And make it quick,
will you, Bub?

Yes, sir, I'll get right on it.

Good-bye.

(doorbell ringing)

Oh, my gosh, the general.

You stay here; I
got a job for you.

Chip, the door!

Bub, can't I eat first?

No... Chip, get the
door! CHIP: I'm coming.

Now, you hightail it down

to the McKinley
Street bus stop...

CHIP: Hey, Bub!

There's a big guy here

in a clunky uniform to see Dad.

You sore or something, Dad?

No, no, no, just thinking.

Well, I sure am.

Am what? I mean, are what?

Sore.

This darned crossbar
sure isn't built for comfort.

(chuckling): Oh.

Well, stay with it.

We've only got a
couple more blocks.

Hey, Robbie...

read this telegram
again, will you?

Boy, you should
have seen the look

on Bub's face when the
big guy in the clunky uniform

turned out to be
a telegraph boy.

(laughing)

"Cancel dinner plans.

"Called back to Washington.

"Will tell you about
project tomorrow...

"if your phone is not busy.

"Signed G.A. Heffler,
Major General,

United States Air Force."

Whoa.

Well, there I was,

getting all lathered
up over nothing.

Hey, uh, I wonder
what happened to Mike.

(polka music playing)

(festive murmuring, clapping)

♪ ♪

You know, Robbie,

I bet we've got the
only house in America

where you can wake
up in the morning

and not possibly
imagine what's going

to happen to you before
you go to bed at night.

(chuckling)

(dogs barking)

Go on... get! Get out of here.

Go home!

(barking continues)