My Three Sons (1960–1972): Season 1, Episode 27 - Soap Box Derby - full transcript

Robbie builds a race car for the soap box derby. Meanwhile, Steve is building a missile in a race against a competitor company.

Where is it?

Gee, Trish, I just
wanted you to see it.

I wasn't counting
on a whole crowd.

Robbie's only taking a
friendly interest, Andy.

Yeah.

You know, it's,
uh, not finished yet.

Oh, that's okay, Andy.

We understand. Sure.

Well, you...

you can't tell too
much about it.

Oh, Andy... You call that a car?



Listen, Douglas...

Andy's entered in the
Soapbox Derby again.

Swell, it'll keep
him off the streets.

Okay, Douglas. Come on, Trish.

I'll buy us a soda
down at Kimbrough's.

Oh, Andy.

Is this yours?

Oh, yeah. We all get
helmets and shirts.

Doesn't he look dashing?

Some car, with no motor.

Well, look who's talking.

You got a motor with no car.

When's the race, Andy?

Three weeks from Saturday.



Boy, you should see the prizes.

Look at that.

That's just for winning here.

Then you go on to the
All-American in Akron.

I'm gonna build a real car.

Really? If your
dad ever lets you.

Now, you see

this design I'm
working on here calls

for five bulkheads with
nose and end pieces.

Then, of course, uh, the
steering mechanism is here.

Oh, what's this?

Oh, uh, this is
the wire that, uh...

I could build a better racer
than this with my eyes shut.

Why don't you try shutting
your mouth instead?

Hey, what are you doing?

You'd look wonderful, Robbie.

Give me my helmet.

Let's go over here, Trish,

where it's a little more quiet.

This is how the car's

going to look
when it's finished.

See, I'm going to have the
wheels here and everything.

I'm going to sit in here...

Uh, Trish, just give me a ring

when you've had enough
of the kindergarten crowd.

Bye, Robbie.

You think the bugs are in
the steering mechanism?

That's right.

We've run three tests.

All three ended up
in the too-far zone.

We don't usually
go outside for help,

but, frankly, our
boys are stumped.

Take the job and
you can have anything

or anyone you want.

All you'll have to do is ask.

The sky or slightly
beyond is the limit, huh?

Exactly.

Uh, there'll be a competitive
firing in three weeks.

Three weeks?

Big government
contract's the prize.

We hear one of the other firms,

Astrol Aircraft, has a hot one,

so the pressure's on.

The question is, do
you want to be part of it?

Well, your offer's
very generous.

Oh, the money's good.

But you'll earn it,

if you save us a $2
million investment.

How about it, Steve?

Well, three weeks
doesn't give us much time.

But we can try.

Mr. Rankin, you've
hired yourself

a consulting engineer.

What a mess this room is.

And look at His Nibs here.

Come on, get out of here, Tramp.

Get off of there. Bub?

What are you trying to
do, ruin that good chair?

Get out of here. Bub.

Bub, when Dad called, when
did he say he'd be home?

Well, he just told
me not to worry.

Said it looked like
he was going to be

bunking in with
that missile thing

for about the next three weeks.

Bub, could I have
a ten dollar advance

out of the household money?
Ten dollars, are you kidding?

No. Ten dollars...

I've got to build a racer
for the Soapbox Derby,

and you're not allowed
to spend over $20.

I figure I can do it for less.

Yeah, well, do you know
ten dollars is a lot of cabbage?

Yeah, well, first prize
is a $5,000 scholarship.

We can't afford to spend time
duplicating earlier mistakes.

So I called this session
so you could brief me

what you've already tried.

Okay, sure thing.

Now, as I understand it,

in each test failure,
the missile trajectory

followed approximately
this line of flight.

That's close.

We can give you
fractional variances

from launching to destroy order.

It looks to me as if the
variance is immediate.

Well, yes, sir.

In the last two test flights,

we tried to compensate for
that wobble, but, uh, no luck.

All right.

Let's give ourselves
something to work from.

Let's call this the
ideal trajectory.

Did you say this was the brakes?

No, that's where Mike
stepped with his track shoe.

What are these things that
look like croquet wickets?

Those are the bulkheads.

You just fasten
them to the floorboard

and that gives you the frame.

Where do you get them?

Well, you can build them.

Out of what? Hey,
get off of there, will ya?

Jeez, darn dog always
messing up things.

Hey! I don't need that panel.

Hey, thanks a lot, Tramp.

Well, I know Mr. Rankin
said spare no expense,

but some of these prices...

Like this beryllium compound.

Can't you use something else
that wouldn't cost so much?

Sure, I can use
something cheaper,

if you want to take a chance

on pouring a $2 million
investment down the drain.

But $102,000? Excuse me.

Hello. This is Douglas.

Oh, you found him,
huh? Put him on, will you?

Hello, Mr. Thompson,
this is Douglas

over at Independent.

Yeah, see, we
have that bid of yours

on that beryllium compound,

and we feel it's
a little out of line.

Yeah. Sure, I know we're asking

for the impossible,
but is that any reason

for you to make a fortune on us,

just 'cause we're in a bind?

Look, Mr. Thompson, I know about

what your costs
are, and, uh, $90,000

will give you a pretty
good profit, wouldn't it?

Okay.

Okay, Mr. Thompson,
you have it here by Monday,

and we'll guarantee a
reorder up to $150,000.

$150,000...

75 cents... that's
the best I can do.

75 cents for a couple of
old, rusty barrel hoops?

75 cents for a quality barrel

in A1 condition.

Take it or leave it.

Sir, I could maybe pay 50 cents.

Seventy-five.

Mister, all I need
are the hoops.

To get the hoops, you
gotta buy the barrel.

55 cents?

Seventy. Sixty-five?

Sixty-five.

Thank you, sir.

Hey, are we going to
have room for it there?

Well, the specifications
say we have.

I guess we better.
We better have, huh?

Oh, hi.

How are things going?

Well, so far so good.

We're ahead of schedule.

We're about ready to
install the new oscillator.

Hmm. Well, here's
hoping it gives us

the accuracy we need.

I thought you were sold on it.

Oh, I want to be.

We just had word
from a friend of ours

who saw Astrol Aircraft's
new missile tested.

He says it was sensational.

They used an
entirely new approach.

Oh?

Well, of course,
that doesn't mean

it's any better than ours.

Just... different.

Different from what?

From Andy's.

Hey, Robbie! Oh.

You going to go down to
the park and watch Andy?

Hey... I'm busy.

He's testing his
racer on the track.

So let him.

What's so different about mine?

Well, Andy's sort
of goes like this,

and... and his back
end comes like this.

And, um... of course

that doesn't mean his is better.

I like your racer
and I like Andy's, too.

Well, I built mine
the way I wanted to.

Besides, what can
I do about it, now?

Are you telling me you
want me to throw out

this design and try to duplicate

some steering mechanism
you've only heard about?

Look, we've got
some film on the test.

It might be a good idea
for you to take a look at it.

Mr. Rankin, I've been
working practically

three shifts a
day trying to adapt

a mechanism I inherited.

Now, if you don't
like what I'm doing

or you want to bring in another
man you go right ahead. Oh, come on.

We've got all the
confidence in the world in you

and what you're
doing. Oh, sure, sure.

Only you wish our missile were

more like the one
Astrol Aircraft's built.

I'm sorry, Steve.

We're all under
a lot of pressure.

Yeah. Come on, let's
take a look at the film.

Well, if you really
want to see Andy's test,

I could use a few laughs.

Honestly, Robbie,
I don't really care.

Well, we might as
well give him a chance

to show us how great he is.

Sure, and it might be fun

knowing what you're up against.

So long as we
don't see something

that'll make us feel like
throwing in the towel.

Okay, we're ready.

Hey, look at him come!

It's almost like he
had a motor in the car.

Somebody must
have given him a push.

Oh...

They're using something new.

And something effective.

This doesn't mean your system

won't be just as good.

Or better.

I hope you're right, Mr. Rankin.

Because with time running out,

we have no other choice.

We're stuck with it.

Well, you're calling
the play, Steve.

Mr. Douglas, we're in trouble.

What's the matter, Douglas?

You look worried?

Yours is a lot better, Robbie.

Bet this paint'll all peel off.

And this is only cardboard.

Hey, look!

He's only got junky,
old wood bulkheads.

Well, that's the kind
you're supposed to have.

Unh-uh, Robbie's are steel.

He made 'em out of barrel hoops.

The bulkheads have to be wood.

Says who?

Look, right there.

It says "make
bulkheads of wood only."

If you got steel bulkheads,

they won't even let
your heap on the track.

Gee, Robbie, that's a shame.

Quinn's right.

The oscillator doesn't fit.

Who wants to be in that
dumb ol' derby anyway?

Can't you fix it?

I went over and over
these specifications.

I thought I covered
every possible angle.

We can still make it, can't we?

I'd have to tear it all apart.

Do the whole thing over again.

You know the
company's with you 100%.

We'll give you
whatever you need.

What are you talking about?!

Nobody can help me.
That's the whole deal.

You got to do it on your
own. The rule book says so.

It's got to be so long
and so wide and so high.

There can't be any
springs or no fenders

or no glass, and about a
million other clunky rules!

Only a dope like Andy
would remember them all.

Maybe I could help.

Can you give me six
months to do a decent job

of researching this project?

Can you give me
some 48-hour days?

Or how about a
new nervous system

or a good night's sleep or a...

a meal I've got time to enjoy?

Or an evening at
home with my kids?

No, Mr. Rankin.

Those blank checks
you keep handing me

can't buy what I really need.

And I can't give you
what you really need.

Why can't a guy build
a car his own way?

I'm sorry.

♪ ♪

I, uh, thought I told you

to get yourself
another engineer.

You did... but I thought

feeding the one we have
was more to the point.

Whatcha doing?

Watering the
bushes... This is a hose.

I just watered them.

Oh, I thought this
was Robbie's job.

Well, he's sort of busy,

and I didn't have
anything else to do,

so I watered them.

Oh, I see.

Think he'll get
finished in time?

Well, he's still got three days.

Oh, uh... hi, Mr. Douglas.

Well, she all set?

Yeah.

Um... Mr. Douglas, I, um...

Well...

Well... no matter how
she behaves tomorrow,

I just want you to know
it's been a real pleasure.

Thanks, Quinn.

Um... good night, sir.

Good night, Quinn.

♪ ♪

Come on!

And the winner in that
heat: Robbie Douglas.

Attaboy, he did it!

He did it again.

That puts him in the semifinals.

I wish his dad could
have been here to see it.

Maybe Astrol's
new steering system

isn't as accurate as we thought.

The missile's point of
impact was just inside

the eastern circumference
of the target area.

Not bad.

We'll do better.

Attention, please.

Now preparing for firing
the Independent Four.

Attention.

Uh, attention, please.

The drivers in the
next heat... Robbie...

Oh, Robbie, isn't it exciting?

You're gonna leave
that clunky old Andy

about six miles behind. Robbie?

Hey, they're calling for
you to load up the car

for the next race. Oh, okay.

Congratulations. Thanks a lot.

No, no, no, no, Tramp,
you have to stay right here.

We don't want you on the track

chasing the cars
and barking at people.

I'm sorry, but you'll
have to stay here.

Good luck, Andy.

Oh, and good luck, Robbie.

You can say one thing for her.

She doesn't play any favorites.

Uh, drivers in
their cars, please.

Excuse me, I...
Drivers in their cars.

See you down there
in the winner's circle.

Stand by, please.

Stand by for the countdown.

Here we go.

Yeah.

They're... they're
ready now, I think.

All right... ten seconds.

Nine seconds.

Eight... seven...
six... Five seconds.

Four seconds.

Three seconds.

Two... one.

Come on, Andy!

Great! Stay ahead!
Come on, Robbie!

Come on, Andy!

Come on, Rob!

Come on, Robbie!

Come on, Robbie! Come on!

Destroy the Independent Four.

Repeat: destroy.

Well, he made a darned good try.

Robbie, I heard about the Derby.

Bub told me on the phone.

I'm sorry.

Yeah.

He told me about
the missile failure, too.

Sorry.

Yeah, I guess we're, uh,

we're about the two
sorriest fellas around, hmm?

Didn't I hear Dad's car come in?

Yeah. He and Robbie
are out in the garage

feeling sorry for each other.

Well, you can't blame them.

I guess they both
had a pretty rough day.

Yeah, but they'll feel better

when they dig into
this Prune Fluff Cake

with O'Casey's
Angel Hair Frosting.

You know, we just
get such great results

working... by working alone.

Just think what we could
do if we worked together.

We ought to go into business.

Call it Failures Incorporated.

What they need is a good laugh.

Now, I heard a story...

the other day
about two ostriches.

Well, one... We
ought to have a slogan.

Yeah, yeah.

How about, Why
succeed when you can fail?

See Douglas and Douglas.

No job's too easy.

Yeah. Budget turns.

Well, Rob, let's go in, huh?

Hmm, can't even do that.

Why succeed when you can fail?

Congratulations. Thank you.

Look out for the cans,
Robbie! Look out!

Watch out, Dad!

Stay there! Not yet!

Hey, you fellas hear the
one about the two ostriches...?

Hey, did you fellas hear the one

about the two ostriches
that decided to...?

What are you laughing at?

I haven't even
told the story yet.

Now, wait a minute,
Wait a minute, will you?

Anyhow, these
two ostriches were...

Now, doggone it,
will you quit laughing

so I can cheer you up?

What's so funny
about two ostriches...?