My Three Sons (1960–1972): Season 1, Episode 24 - The Lostling - full transcript

Be clear in a few minutes.

No problem. I live right here.

I'll just park right,
uh... right here.

Oh, hi.

Oh, what a woman.

First she borrows my car, and
then she forgets she borrows it.

When she finally
remembers to bring it back,

she leaves a leg of lamb in it.

How she ever gets to the office
in the morning, I'll never know.

What a memory.
: That's you, Dad?

Oh, hi, Mike. Yeah.



I thought you would
never get here.

Yeah, me, too. I'm late.

I'm late, too.

Oh, boy, there's Jim already.

Pardon me, Mike.

Be right with you, Jim.

I was getting worried. I
thought you'd forgotten

I need the car tonight for
that astronomy field trip. Oh.

A girl at the
office borrowed it.

She forgot her
husband had her car,

and then she forgot
she borrowed mine.

Boy, what a memory.

Oh, here are the keys.

I had to park it
across the street.



There's a big moving
van in the way.

Hi. Where's the fire?

Oh, Jim and I are
having our usual

Saturday afternoon golf game.

We're playing at his club
this afternoon, and I'm late.

I see. Let's see.
Have I got everything?

Cash, shoes...
shirt, golf clubs.

Hmm. Let's see.

Now where's my pipe?

Oh, here's the pipe.

Something else, though.

Matches? Tobacco? STEVE: No, no.

Have you got a ball?

There was something
else, though, Bub.

Hmm. Well, I'll probably
think of it around the 18th hole.

I'll see you. All right.

Happy stargazing, Mike.

Keep you head down.

Let's see now. Car
keys... gas money...

What's Steve so late about?

Well, some lady
forgot her husband.

I got to move the
car into the driveway.

Those darned kids
can't remember anything.

Hey, Bub, something's burning!

Oh, my good... My pie crust!

Trying to remember
what they forgot.

Now I forget what I'm
supposed to remember.

I got it.

Okay, make a wish.

I got one.

Okay, ready? Pull.

God, I never win.

What'd you wish for?

A baby sister.

Hi, honey.

Hi.

Bring the formula?

Yeah, I have everything.

Where will I park?

Oh, why don't you put
it in front of the van?

Okay.

Hey, man, give me
a hand over here.

Take it down and push it.

Hey, put down the
door for us, will you?

All right, Joe, go ahead.

All right, wait a minute,
wait a minute, back off, man.

All right, I got it.

You're big enough
to be Betty's sister.

Too bad you're just a doll.

I'll put you here right now.

Where do you want it?

It goes in the bedroom
upstairs to the right.

No, wait.

No, it goes to bedroom
upstairs on the left,

and the guest room...

Why don't you
show us? All right.

♪ Da da da... ♪

My little darling.

Hello. Hello.

Hello, blue eyes.

All right, There we go!

Is everything all right?

It's been all right up till now.

Easy now, easy!

Up we carry it! Go!

Not so fast! Take it easy!

She'll have a trauma
with all that noise.

It's pretty bad.

You'll have to show us where

to put that bedroom
stuff, ma'am.

Okay, I will.

How you doin' there, buddy boy?

Itchy kitchy coo!

Her name is Betty.

Oh, yeah? Well, let's see you
give us a great big smile, Liz.

Come on, now. You can do it.

Attagirl! Well, she's
pretty tired right now.

Mother, why don't you
put her down for her nap?

Hey, Itchy Kitchy Coo!

Come on and help me
with the rug, will you?

All right! Hold your
horses! I'm coming!

Nap? She won't sleep
much around here.

We'll wait for you
inside, ma'am.

Sleep tight, princess.

Why don't you just
put her in the car

till the movers are through?

The... the car?

Well, sure. She
always sleeps in the car.

She'll be perfectly all
right until her 6:00 bottle.

All right, if you
think it's safe.

Oh, sure. Oh, just make sure

the sun isn't shining on her.

Modern parents are so casual.

I wouldn't have dreamed
of doing this with Mary

when she was a baby.

I guess it's safe enough.

It's certainly quieter.

After all, what could
happen to her out here?

Look, you gotta wish for
something at least possible, Dumbo.

A baby sister is impossible.

Well, if it's so impossible,

how come people have any?

Brother! How many times
do I have to tell you that,

when people get married, they...

Now, listen, wise guy.
You just take this out

and put it in the car for Mike.

A little hot chocolate
may come in handy

for whatever that thing
is that he's going out on.

Baby sister! Man!

We're just going to have to
do something about this kid.

Why is a baby sister impossible?

Oh, now, listen, Chip.

I mean, you know as
well as anybody else

that a baby has got
to have a mother.

What's wrong with you?

Well, I may do a
mother's work around here,

but I draw the
line at that. Hey...

Hey, you guys, look
what I found in our car.

Jeepers! It's a
baby! I got my wish!

Now, wait a minute,
Officer Whitman.

All I know is that
some unnatural mother

is trying to unload this
squalling baby on us,

and I'm sure not
gonna put up with it.

You can just bet
your tin badge on that.

Is it a boy or is it a girl?

It's an "it."

Babies are always called "it".

What I'm trying
to tell you is that

somebody sneaked it
into the back of Steve's car.

No, they didn't.

It was there 'cause
I wished for it.

You didn't win your wish.

I won. And, besides, I sure
as heck didn't wish for a baby.

Well, what did you wish for?

Nothing. I don't believe
in that kind of stuff.

Now, wait a minute.

You're supposed to be
the public servant, not me.

I want you guys
at the police station

to send somebody
over to get this thing.

I'm not going to be turned
into a public babysitter.

What's this?

The First Five Years of Life,

by Dr. Arnold Gazelle.
"Gesell," I guess.

Hoo-hoo! Hoo-hoo! Looks
like a book of instructions.

See? I told you we're
supposed to keep it.

Okay. So, while
you're trying' to locate

its mother, why don't you
send somebody over here?

Somebody from the
Social Welfare or something.

Hey, how old do you think it is?

Old enough to
hang on to my finger.

Let's see, that's... According
to this, that's four months.

You're a strong baby.

It says here that
babies this age

like to have their morning
bath in the late afternoon.

Hey, neat! I'll get some towels!

Hey, wait a minute!

A few hours?

You send that woman
over here right now!

I don't know a single,
solitary thing about a baby.

Robbie, what in tarnation
are you doing with that thing?

Just following the instructions.

You know, from the book.

It says right here
you're supposed

to remove all
constricting clothing.

What does a book
know about a baby?

Hey, Bub, what
did the police say?

Oh, the police
are a lot of help.

They say we gotta hold on
to this little good-for-nothing

till they send a woman over
here from Social Welfare.

Hooray, man! Neat!

Shh! Don't shout when
there's a baby around!

I mean, don't shout when
there's a baby around.

Hey, I wonder whose it
is and where it came from.

- It's too bad it can't talk.
- Hey, this baby

must have been in Dad's car

when he drove it up. I wonder

if that's what he couldn't
remember to tell us.

How could he forget
he had a baby in the car?

Well, he was in a hurry.

Oh, and so am I. Here.
I gotta load the car up.

Wait a minute, Mike.

It may be the police.
They may need the car.

All right, take it easy.

Andy?

No. This is Bernadine Foote.

Who?

Bernadine Foote.

I work in Mr. Douglas's office.

Is he there?

No. Steve's at the golf course.

Oh, dear. I just wonder
if anyone found my lamb.

Lamb? No. I don't
think any of us has...

Your lamb?

Yes. I know you'll think
I'm terribly forgetful, but

well, I borrowed
Steve's car this afternoon

to run some
errands, and I, uh...

I had so many
confusing things to do

that I think I may have
left my lamb in the car.

You sure did, Mrs. Foote.

And, uh, I've been
phoning all over to

try and find out
where it came from.

Darn it.

Thank heavens! It's
my husband's favorite.

I don't know how I'd face
him if I left it in the car all night.

Who is it?

Well, yes, I can see where

he might be a little
upset about that.

We thought someone
wanted to give it to us.

Oh, dear me.

I hope you're not too
disappointed to find out

it was mine. CHIP: Who is it?

I should say not.

And the sooner you
come for it, the better.

Oh, now that I know where it
is, there's nothing to worry about.

Could you keep it
for me till morning?

Keep it all night?

Yes. Isn't that all
right? Who is it?

Hey, I wonder where
it's going to sleep.

I think maybe it'd
better sleep in our room.

Hey, Bub...

Mrs. Foote, would you
excuse me a minute, please?

It's Bernadine Foote.
She works with your father.

She's the baby's mother.

Aw, heck!

Well, at least we know
who you belong to.

What I mean is,
it's safer with you

than with us. We've been trying
to follow the book of instructions,

but I'm not just sure
we're doing things right.

Doing what things right?

What's there to do?

Well, it's been riding
around in the car all day,

and the boys are washing it.

Oh, yes. I suppose it
would get a little dirty

rattling around in the
back of the station wagon.

Well, yes, I guess you
could put it that way.

No, no, no, Robbie!

Don't rub it! Just pat it dry.

What are you doing now?

Well, we're... we're trying

to follow the
instructions in the book.

Robbie, there's some talcum
powder in my bathroom.

Use that on it.

You're not going to use

talcum powder on it, are you?

Well, now, just
what would you do?

Well, I always just rub it
with olive oil and dust it

with garlic powder. What?!

Look, there's no need
for you to go to this bother.

I'll do all that
tomorrow before dinner.

Well, I sure never
heard of using

olive oil and garlic on it.

Well, that's what makes
the world interesting.

We all have different
ideas about things.

You said it.

Why don't you just wrap it up

and put it in the
refrigerator, and I'll...

Refrigerator?

Or any cool place that's
out of the way and I'll...

Now, hold on, lady.

I'm afraid your ideas

are a little too different.

You'd better come
and get it this afternoon

or I'm gonna turn it over to
the woman from Social Welfare.

You're not going to
give it to charity, are you?

You're darned right I am

if you don't come
and get it right away.

If she doesn't want it,

I don't see why
we can't keep it.

All this fuss over a little
unimportant thing like a...

Unimportant!

All right. I'll get over
there as soon as I can.

Fine. And the sooner the better.

Because we're getting
pretty attached to it.

Our youngest boy can't
hardly keep his hands off it.

Oh?

Well, will you please try to
restrain him until I get there?

After all, I'm sure
Steve can get him

another one just like it.

Well, not under
present circumstances.

Good-bye.

Fine mother.

I finally talked her into
coming after the poor little thing.

Jeepers, Bub, I don't
see why we can't keep it,

at least overnight.

And that's all we
need around here:

a beat-up, old motor
roaring in the garage,

an off-key trumpet,
the TV, a barking dog,

and now a squalling baby.

It's not squalling.

What's the matter, Bub?
Don't you like babies?

Yes, I like babies.

When they're asleep.

Sure is little.

Yeah. Look how
blue its eyes are.

Can it see me?

It's looking right at me.

Of course she can see you.

You can see Chip,
can't you, honey?

Well, of course you
can see little old Chip.

Yes, her can see Chip.

Of course her can,
with those big, blue eyes.

Blue as the skies.

A little button nose
and that rosebud mouth.

Her can see
everybody, can't she?

Yes, her can.

Isn't her cute though?

Yeah.

Now look what you got me doing.

Mike, why don't you
take a hike out of here?

Okay. And you guys go with him.

I don't need you
around here. Ah, Bub.

Can't we watch her go to
sleep, please? Oh, come on, Bub.

This little knot head's
got to have a nap.

Oh, well... Can I give
her the bottle later?

Don't stand here
and argue with me.

Later. I'll see you both later.

Okay.

Well... Yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah.

Its mother's gonna
take it away from us

anyway in a few minutes,
so I might as well go.

So long.

Can you say "Bub?"

You say "Bub" for me.

Say "Bub" for Bub.

Is she trying to
say "Uncle Bub?"

Bub, Bub.

Bub?

Well, what are you
two guys staring at?

Jeepers, Bub, I just can't
figure out how babies get...

How could a... For
crying out loud, Dumbo.

How many times do I...

Look, when people get married...

Now, look, Mr. Smart Guy,

you just trot over to the
Pearsons there and...

Look, when people get married...

and see if you can't
scrounge me up

a little canned milk
and-and bananas

for little old baldy here.

Hold on a second, okay, Bub?

Now, you see, when
a man and wom...

I don't want to
hold on a second.

I want you to do it now.

But, gee, Bub, I was just trying

to explain to this
clunky kid that when...

I'll do the explaining.

Now, you go and get the milk.

Gee... Now go ahead.

Can't even explain when a
man and woman get married...

Now, you see, Chip,
it-it-it goes like this...

Can I hold her?

Well... Just for a second?

Well, will you promise
to be careful of her now?

Don't-don't drop her, you see.

Got to be very careful
with these little girls.

Now, they're, they're
so darned breakable.

There, you got a hold...

Good hold, now. Hold on.

Jeepers, I just can't figure
out how a baby would get here.

Well, now, Chip,
it's all very simple.

So when, uh, people grow up,

they get tired of
having cats and dogs

and parakeets and goldfish,

and they want to have babies.

So they get married.

And when they do, they...

Jeepers, Bub, I know
all about that stuff.

What I mean is, how
could this baby get here?

Well, for crying out loud, why
don't you say what you mean?

Nobody's home at the Pearsons'.

Jeepers, I bet it's hungry.

Well, I can't give
this kid ordinary food.

I think those new people across
the street must have a baby.

How is she?

Quiet as a lamb,
the little doll.

I'll move the car in
front of the house.

Bye, buddy.

Hi. Hi, there.

I'm Robbie Douglas
from across the street,

and we need somebody who
knows about feeding babies.

Well, you sure came
to the right place.

We've got one of our own.

That's what I figured.
What's your trouble?

Here you are.

Be careful, now.

Some baby powder.

And if you need anything
else, just come running.

Thanks a lot. We
ought to manage now.

Its mother ought to
be here pretty soon.

I should hope so.

Imagine losing track
of her baby like that.

Hmm.

Hey, you have a
car just like ours.

Yes, I noticed.

Well, thanks again
for all the baby stuff.

Is she still asleep, honey?

Still sound asleep.

Come on, drink it all.

There. Every drop.

Well, I guess I'd better take
care of the next operation.

Now, be careful of the kid.

I'll get it. Keep your hand up.

Right there. Now,
watch her back.

Hello.

I'm Bernadine Foote.

Oh! Come right in.

I do hope this little mix-up
hasn't been too much trouble.

Oh, no.

We've kind of enjoyed it.

It's right in here.

Oh, isn't it darling?

Boy or girl?

You mean you forgot that, too?

Some memory.

Oh!

Thank you.

Oh, what's its name?

Are you kidding?

Whose is it?

Don't you know
where it comes from?

Well, got two birdies
on the front nine!

Of course, I had a
48 on the back side.

Bernadine, what
are you doing here?

I came for my lamb.

And you, and you
brought your baby with you.

I didn't know you had a baby.

Oh, no. You never
told me you had a baby.

Let's look at it.
No, Steve, it isn't...

Hey, she's a cutey pie.

No! Now... Looks just like you.

Wait a minute!

There's something very
odd going on around here.

Oh, I'll say there is.

That is not my baby.

I never set eyes on that baby

till I came in this front
door two minutes ago.

Well, if it's not her baby, then
what the heck is she doing here?

Steve, all I want is my leg
of lamb that I left in your car.

Leg of lamb?

Yeah, I remember.

That's what I forgot
to tell you, Bub.

Remember when I forgot?

Holy mackerel.

Chip, would you take a
look in the refrigerator,

and see if Miss Foote's
leg of lamb's in there?

I got to see this.

And I'll go along
just to make sure.

If there's a leg of lamb in
my refrigerator, I'll eat it!

Oh, no you won't!

You are a cute thing, huh?

We got to find out about you.

Where'd you come from, huh?

Well, for crying out loud!

Robbie, tell me about...

Dad, come here a minute.

What?

Come here. Come here, Dad.

There.

What? Take a look
at that car over there.

Yeah, it's our station wagon.

Looks great.

I'm going to bring Betty in.

I never knew her to
take such a long nap.

I told you she liked
sleeping in the car.

Well, for crying out loud, I
thought that was their baby.

That's no baby, it's a doll.

Hey, Dad, look at that picture.

Hmm?

That's our baby!

Yeah.

Yeah.

Robbie, that baby must belong

to the people that
are moving into this...

John, bring in the bassinet.

What'd you say, Mary?

I said bring in the
bassinet, please.

Oh, okay, honey.

Robbie, do you know we
could be arrested for kidnapping?

Kidnapping? Yes.

Do you know what the penalty is?

No, what? Don't ask.

He went back in.

Put the tailgate
down and stand by.

Well, for heaven's sakes,
what did you do with it?

Oh, come on, Mrs. Foote.

How could I do
something with anything

when there never was
anything to do something with?

But I'm having company
for Sunday dinner!

Chip, do these things
belong to the baby?

Why?

Come on, sweetheart.

Where are you taking our baby?

I'm taking her
back to her mother!

Who is she?

I don't know!

Look out, Robbie.

Take it easy, sweetheart.

That's a girl.

All right, shut it, shut it.

Well, did you finally wake up?

Had a nice long
nap, didn't you, hmm?

You must be hungry.

How about a bottle, hmm?

We just gave her a bottle.

Shh-shh-shh.

Imagine a woman
forgetting her baby.

Come on, let's go see
your nice, new room.

Well... That takes
care of our baby.

Yeah.

Boy, she sure was cute.

Been a long time since
I carried a baby around.

Yeah. Gee, Dad,
was I ever that little?

Sure were.

We all were at one time.

That's right.

Even Bub; can't
you just see him?

Yeah.

Say, Rob, I still
don't understand

how the baby got
in our station wagon.

Well, Chip wished for it.

Oh.

Poor dumb little kid.

Didn't know what
a bother they are...

All that squawking and crying

and baths and
diapers and formulas.

Yeah.

Yeah, they're a lot of
trouble all right, at first.

But, luckily, it gets worse.

Well, back to Bernadine's foot.

Uh, I mean leg.

Of lamb.

There.

I'll bet anything
there's the answer

to my leg of lamb.

Tell me.

A great big leg of lamb
just couldn't get lost.

Well, I sure don't know
where you came from,

but, man, do you look good.