My Three Sons (1960–1972): Season 1, Episode 2 - The Little Ragpicker - full transcript

(theme music plays)

(door closing)

Ugh, I phoned that
plumber at 8:00 this morning.

He's not here yet.

How are you gonna wash
the dishes without water?

How can you clean your hands
without water? (kids arguing, laughing)

How can you do
anything without water?

Now, come on,
fellas, break it up.

Break it up, will you, fellas?

Fellas, listen to me, will you?

Break it up, will you?



Look what you're
doing to your clothes.

Well, these are just
rags for Chip's rag drive.

(laughing) Hey!

Now, get out of
here, and stay out!

No fair! Hey, come
on, get back here.

Why, you cheater!

Get out.

You two, get out
of here and stay out.

Hey, quit horsing around,

you blockheaded, knuckle-eared,

stubble-footed monkeys.

Hi, Miss Pitts.

Good afternoon, Chip.

Got any old rags?



Rags?

Yeah, you know, old
towels, dresses, stockings,

anything you want to throw away.

Goodness me.

Well, let's see what
you've got here.

Yes, you certainly
are collecting rags.

Does your grandfather
know you're doing this?

Sure. He thinks
it's a great idea.

BUB: ♪ Put him in the
long boat till he's sober ♪

♪ Put him in the long
boat till he's sober ♪

Hi, Chip! How's
the rag business?

Swell, Bub.

Betcha I got
another five pounds.

Good... remember,
every ounce helps.

(bird chirping)

Is your father home yet?

Nope, just Bub.

I see.

Well, as for rags,
I don't have much.

I got rid of so many
things when I moved...

But I may get a few
old things for you.

Could you come back
in 15 or 20 minutes?

Sure, Mrs. Pitts. Thanks a lot.

Miss Pitts.

Just ring the bell,

and I'll have it waiting or you.

Okay, Miss Pitts, I'll be back.

WOMAN: Chip.

Chip!

Hey, Bub, look what I got!

(sighs)

Well, I guess I'll just have

to take these over later.

Oh, he'll be back
in a few minutes

for some of mine, Mrs. Sailor.

Let me give him yours.

Oh, well, thank you.

Just wrings my heart.

A poor motherless
little boy collecting rags

to get a little spending money.

Oh, heavens, Cynthia,

he isn't doing this
for spending money.

It's the annual PTA rag drive.

All the children
are out collecting.

Oh, I see.

All the same, it's a sad thing

for those boys to
be without a mother.

How I'd like to get

at that little Chip
with a washcloth.

Oh, don't you worry.

Their grandfather will have them

all shining clean by dinnertime.

Hmph... Bub.

I certainly have my
doubts about him.

(sniffs) ♪ Till he's sober... ♪

♪ Put him in the long
boat till he's sober ♪

♪ Early in the morning... ♪

Look what I got, Bub.

What do you got?

Oh, what a load of rags,

and boy, boy, boy,
look at that face.

Tsk, tsk, tsk.

But you got an excuse this time.

There's not a drop
of water in the house.

I can't do the dishes,
I can't cook dinner,

and I've been waiting for
that plumber all day long.

Chip, give me a little help here

with these coveralls, will you?

Give them a tug there.

Pull... (grunts)

Think I have 40 pounds yet?

Well, it's hard to tell

without weighing them.

'Cause anyone who
brings in 40 pounds

gets a free pass to the Rialto.

Now, don't you worry about that.

We'll have 40 pounds
before Monday.

Here, throw these in.

There must be a couple of pounds

of paint on them. (sniffs)

Gee, thanks, Bub.
You're welcome.

My desk finished yet?

Yes, and I could've
been through quicker,

only I ran out of thinner.

How am I going to weigh them?

Weigh them?

Well, wait a minute now.

There might be a
pillow slip in there

you can stuff them
into... let's look.

A pillow slip won't
hold them all.

I've got an idea... here.

Take my coveralls,
we'll stuff them in here.

Yeah, they're nice and baggy.

Boy, I'll say, plenty of room.

Uh-huh.

I'll go and see what Mike
and Robbie have for you.

(muttering indistinctly)

(bell rings)

"Shining clean by
dinnertime." (doorbell chimes)

(sardonic chuckle)

Hi, you got them ready yet?

BUB: Robbie, Mike,
you have me so dizzy,

I'm seeing double.

You two guys are enough
to drive a man to drink.

Come in, Chip.

Now, you sit right over here...

while I sort things out.

(grunts)

Is something wrong
over at your house?

No, just that Bub isn't able

to wash the dishes
or get dinner.

Oh?

And what time do you
expect your father home?

Not till after 6:00.

I see.

Chip, how would you like some
nice, fresh, homemade cookies?

(cans clattering)

Gee!

Oh! Oh, pardon me.

Man!

Oh, that scared me.

Me, too, what is it?

Oh, it's Chip's rags.

Hey! Pretty clever.

Yeah. Come on, come on, buddy!

Hit me right here!

Come on, come on.

Knock it off.

Hey, look... wait a minute.

Hey, hey, it's got a head. Yeah.

You know what, Mike,

that kind of looks like Bub.

Yeah, it does.

Hey, uh, give me your rags,

and we'll stuff the
arms. Okay, okay.

Here.

May I have this dance, madam?

Look on the... look on the bench

and see if we have an old pair

of gloves or
something over there.

Hey, I got a...

some old pair of
shoes and a cap.

Hold this, will you? Yeah.

These sure are good
cookies, Miss Pitts.

Eat all you want, dear.

And be sure to drink your milk.

If I eat all these,

I won't have much
appetite for dinner.

But you told me...

that is, I understood you to say

your grandfather couldn't
cook dinner tonight.

He'll manage all right,
as soon as he gets

some good, fresh water.

Well, I guess I'd better go home

and see what's happening.

No, no, it's better
you don't see.

What I mean is...

I have some fresh strawberries

and ice cream for your dessert.

Now, you just sit
right down here again.

(takes deep breath)

And there they were,

carrying their
grandfather into the house.

It's only too
obvious that he's...

Oh, Cynthia, really.

Well, I have to
believe my own eyes.

One thing I'm sure of,

there's no proper
supervision over there

until their father gets home.

I wish you'd go inquire.

But I haven't seen anything.

I'd inquire myself if
I knew them better.

You know, I think you should,

and find out just
how mistaken you are.

Well, Chip, at least,
is getting proper care.

(sighs)

Now hold that.

You got it?

Wait, hold this
again. I can get this.

Ah, wait a minute,

wait a minute, wait a minute.

Yeah, that's it.

You got it?

(grunting)

What does he weigh?

Five pounds... that's weird.

No, this will never work.

We can't weigh him
with you holding him up.

Well, let's put him in
a box and weigh him.

Then we weigh the box separately

and subtract the difference.

How's that again?

Simple algebra.

X plus Y minus Y equals X.

Sir Isaac Newton!

All right, let's get a box.

(laughs)

(door buzzer sounds)

Am I the only one

that ever hears the
doorbell around here?

But we need a box.

"But we need a box"!

This the place that
wants a plumber?

Yeah, we... we've been
needing one since noon.

You must've come by oxcart.

No, I brought my truck.

Come in, come in.

I've shut the water off

out in front of the house there.

The leak's upstairs
in the bathroom,

second door to your
right, at the top of the stairs.

I can't even cook my
dinner until I get some water.

You're the cook here?

Yeah, and you're the plumber.

Second door from
the top of the stairs.

I'll look the situation over,

see what tools I need.

Five cents a step.

Oh, excuse me.

Just the plumber.

I'll be back when
you're through.

Find the leak?

Someone in the bathroom,

so I figured I'd get some tools

while I'm waiting.

Well, that's a good
idea; just take your time.

If you give those
pipes time enough,

they might heal themselves.

Well, you never
know what you'll need.

Like the job I had
yesterday over on Elm Street.

Big apartment, old
pipes, lots of rust.

Owned by a fella name of, uh...

Uh, name of, uh...

Well, I can't seem to
recollect the fella's name.

Well, maybe if you
had a pipe wrench

in your hand, it'd
help you remember.

Yeah, yeah.

Bring the scales.

It'll be easier to
weight him out here.

Yeah, I got the
scales right here.

Well, just put him on.

We'll have to move the
box this way a little bit.

Wonderful, Sir Isaac Newton.

You can't even see the scale!

Yeah.

You know, what we need is...

is one of those scales

that you hang him on, like this.

Spring scale.

Mr. Pearson has
one of those things.

Well, let's take him
next door and weigh him.

Come on.

Alley-oop.

MIKE: You got him? ROBBIE: No.

Okay, okay.

(humming)

Hey, what...?

I'm first.

Thanks for stepping
on my toe. (laughs)

Hey, you fellas seen
Chip around anywhere?

Nope. Well, run
around the corner

and see if you can
find him, will you?

We're gonna take Chip's rags

over to the Pearsons'
to get weighed.

Well, weigh 'em later.

It's getting pretty late,

and he ought to be
home by now. All right.

What are we gonna do with him?

Let's put him in here.

(grunts) The bush.

Alley-oop!

MIKE: Check the Pearsons first.

(tool clanging)

(tool clinking)

(metallic clinking)

Well, here we are.

Here we are.

You sure are a good
neighbor, Miss Pitts,

but I ought to take your
old rags and go home now.

No hurry.

Your father isn't home yet.

I've been watching.

(gasps) What's wrong?

Nothing. Nothing... unusual.

You just sit here and
drink your lemonade.

Oh, Chip?

Oh, Chip!

Chip!

Oh, Chip!

Chip?

Oh, Chip!

I thought his name was Duncan.

Imagine me forgetting
a simple name like that.

I got to go turn the
water on out front,

see if we got it fixed.

Be back in a minute.

Oh, Chip!

Can't imagine where he
could be at this time of day.

Maybe he's upstairs
in his room asleep.

Come on, pal.

We'll take you up there.

All right.

(horn honking)

(sighs) Now where do you
suppose that kid's run off to?

I'm glad you finally got around
to fixing that, Mr. Reems.

It's been leaking
for two days now.

I said, it's been
leaking for two days.

Look. Dad... he's
talking to our dummy.

(laughs)

Hey, let's rough up the dummy.

It'll give Dad the
shock of his life. Yeah.

(screaming and whooping)

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

Hey! Hey! Hey!

That is the plumber.

Now, cut it out!

Robbie, what, you go
crazy or something?

Let go! What are you doing?

Are-are you all
right, Mr. Reems?

Huh?

Thanks an awful lot, Miss Pitts,

but I really got to go now.

All right, Chip.

Here you are.

I just heard a car drive in.

I think it may be your father.

No, no, Chip,
you mustn't go yet.

Come on, go and sit down.

You know, I just remembered,

I have most of an angel
food cake in the cupboard.

Cynthia, you don't
happen to have

an extra cup of sugar, do you?

Ooh! Come on over in the house.

I don't know why I
forgot it today, but I...

It's been awfully
quiet over there.

I can only imagine
what's happening.

I think you've been
imagining too much already.

I have half a mind
to call the authorities.

Well, now, look, Cynthia,

before you do
anything that foolish,

I think you ought
to go over there

and talk to them yourself.

A woman wouldn't be safe.

Oh, come on, Cynthia.

That's ridiculous.

Well, I've known these people

for the last ten years.

Well, maybe I'll telephone.

I really shouldn't leave
Chip right now anyway.

At least he's safe.

Hope you understand
what I mean, Mr. Reems.

It-it was all a mistake.

The-the boys thought you
were a dummy. A dummy.

Well, I-I don't mean
a dummy exactly.

They-they just thought

you were a bunch
of dirty old rags.

I mean, uh, are
you all right now?

Yeah, feel just fine now.

Just fine.

$32.75.

Not bad... for a dummy.

Thank you very
much, Mrs. Potter.

Mike? Robbie?

I sent them out in the
station wagon to look for Chip.

Oh, uh, good. I'll, uh,
just keep on phoning.

(hiccups)

What's the matter,
you getting nervous?

No, I just happen to
have the hiccups, that's all.

We'll find him in a...
(hiccups) ...minute.

Poor little waif.

(tuts)

Well... I'll try to phone again.

You haven't seen him?

Well...

Oh, no, no, we're
not really... (hiccups)

worried about him.

No, no. Thanks, Mrs. Perkins.

No, no, we're not really...

(hiccups) worried about him.

We just got nervous indigestion.

Hello, Irene? Uh, Steve Douglas.

(hiccups) Here,
Steve, drink this.

It'll make you feel better.
Oh, uh, thanks, Bub.

Irene, I-I... I know
there's really no reason

why you should know where he is,

but have you by any
chance seen Chip?

Chip? Why, yes, Steve,
I... (Steve hiccups)

Well, that is, I
haven't seen him,

but I think I know where he is.

Oh, good, Irene.
We've been sort of...

(hiccups) ...going around in
circles over here. Where is he?

Well, I think he's
at... (Steve hiccups)

BUB: Come on, Steve, bottoms up!

I-I tell you what, Steve.

Why don't you let me
find out if he's still there,

and if he is, I'll send
him right home, okay?

Bye.

(Steve hiccups)

(hiccups)

CHIP: Where are my rags?!

So you finally got hungry enough
to come home to dinner, huh?

Dinner! Are you kidding?

Who swiped my rags?

Nobody. They're up in your room.

Now, never mind them now.

Get washed. You have to eat.

Chip, where have
you been? Hi, Dad.

Now, just a minute, young
man. I want to talk to you.

(hiccups) Do you
realize it's almost 8:00?

I've been calling everybody
in the neighborhood

trying to find out
where you are.

Hey, that's swell!

Look, somebody made
Bub out of my rags!

You know, Chip, it's
a little embarrassing...

It does look like
him, doesn't it?

It's a little
embarrassing having

to ask other people
where my own children are.

Gosh, I bet he weighs
almost 50 pounds.

Yeah. Well, you put that
down, and listen to me now.

Chip, do you realize you're
almost two hours late for dinner?

Now, Chip, will you stop that?

Come on, cut it out.
Now, sit down here.

Don't you know that we all worry
about you when you're this late?

Mike and Robbie are out...
Jeepers, Dad, she's coming to get me!

Who's coming to get you?

(crickets chirping)

Oh, that's that Miss Pitts that
moved in across the street.

She probably just
making a neighborly call.

We'd better go.

Come on, get a clean shirt on.

We'll talk about this later on.

CHIP: Look out,
Dad, he's falling!

STEVE: Come on, go
on, don't just sit there.

She's fainted. Help
her up or something.

(car horn honking)

How much does it weigh,
Robbie? 42 pounds, Chip.

Boy, I'll get my free pass!

Okay, take him out of
here now, will you, fellas?

BUB: I've, uh, prepared some
of our special brew for you,

Miss Pitts.

I hope you'll enjoy it.

Oh, tea!

Yes. Yes, ma'am. Yes.

Thank you, Bub.

You take sugar or cream?

One lump. Uh, one teaspoon.

I don't know how
you'll ever forgive us

for giving you such
a shock, Miss Pitts.

Boy, you gave me
so much lemonade,

I could hardly walk.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, Chip!

I hope you won't regret
moving into our neighborhood.

No... There we are.

Mr. Douglas, I won't regret it.

In fact, I'm going
to... like it here.

Gee, I don't know.

We're a pretty wild bunch.

Not according to Irene Sailor.

She's been telling me what
wonderful people you are.

She has? Well,
that's very nice of her.

Uh... Thanks, Bub.
You're welcome.

Well, at least
everything's cleared up.

I beg your pardon.

What do you mean?

Oh, uh... I mean...

there's nothing
more to worry about.

If you ask me, one of
us ought to get over there

and make sure Cynthia
is able to get home,

because the last time
I saw her, she was...

Well, you're just gonna
have to take my word for it,

because I never would
have believed... ♪ ♪