My Three Sons (1960–1972): Season 1, Episode 16 - Bub Leaves Home - full transcript

Steve's cousin Selena comes to visit and is only too happy to help around the house. When everyone is grateful for her help, Bub thinks he is being replaced and decides to take a job at a movie theater.

Well, O'Casey, the
last time you did this,

you got put to bed
without your supper.

That's the good thing about

running away from
home at my age:

nobody to make you do
anything you don't want to do.

Freedom.

Hot dog.

From now on, that's
my middle name.

No more dishwashing and
cooking and darn kids who don't

appreciate it when you
try to give them a hand

with their stupid school report.



Like the other day
when I loaned Mike

all my valuable
vaudeville scrapbooks.

"Corny," he said.

"Corny."

Well, if that's the way you feel
about it, give me back my stuff.

And stay out of those cookies.

Well, now get sore about it.

Why should I get sore?

Look, I want to use your stuff.

Well, now don't
do me any favors.

Hey, you.

I finished.

Hi, Dad. Good-bye.

Hi. Good-bye.



That was Chip, wasn't it?

Yeah.

And don't blame me
if he gets in trouble

for not having his
homework done.

Those kids are
getting so they don't

pay one speck
of attention to me.

Not one speck.

Say, Bub, do you remember my
mother's cousin, Selena Bailey?

The one that lives over
near South Madison?

Yeah, that's the one.

I got a letter from
her today and she...

she's coming to spend

a little time with us.

Oh? For how long?

Oh, I don't know, a
week or so, I suppose.

Since her husband died...

she's been sharing her place
with a couple of other widows,

and she said she's just
getting tired of sitting around

doing nothing but
playing canasta

and watching TV all the time,
so she felt she needed a change.

Well, she'll get it all right.

From her cozy little
rose-covered cottage

to this army barracks

filled with homework-dodging,

vaudeville-hating
cookie grabbers.

You're worse than the boys.

Don't worry, Bub...

Selena Bailey.

I sure thanked my lucky stars
when that old girl pulled in.

Poor old soul.

Didn't know what she
was letting herself in for.

Man, I had my hair
combed for a whole hour.

What a waste of time.

Old ladies get funny ideas.

Maybe the poor soul was
afraid to ride in Mike's jalopy.

He probably didn't
even get there.

Got sidetracked with some
of his big deal senior buddies.

Oh, Mike wouldn't do that.

Maybe she missed
the bus or something.

At least he could call.

How do you like that?

He hasn't even gone.

What?!

Oh, my gosh.

I told Mike three days
ago, he's gonna have to...

Mike, what are you doing?

Cousin Selena's
waiting at the bus station.

Oh, but, Dad, she's...

Who's at the bus station?

Selly!

Hi, Steve!

I'd give you a big hug,
but I don't want to get you

all covered with grease.
Well, don't let that stop you.

Oh!

Hey, kids.

Hey, you kids, Selena is here.

We couldn't imagine
what had happened to you.

Well, we'd have been in sooner

but we had a little
distributor trouble and...

The real trouble was
with the carburetor.

Sorry we got sidetracked, Steve.

She's an automotive genius, Dad.

Oh, not by a long shot.

But when you grow up
with five older brothers,

you spend more time with
motors than you do with people.

Selly, you remember Bub?

Hi, sure do.

Hello, Cousin Selena.

I know a couple of widows
over in South Madison

who'd think you
were a real prize.

Oh.

We've got a couple
of widows right here

who think the same thing, Selly.

What a thing for you to say.

Yeah, how 'bout Cynthia Fitz across
the street, Bub? She's always making

googly eyes at you like this. I
seen her over quite often and...

Now, knock it off, you two,

and let's help get Cousin
Selena's bags out of the car.

Hey, Cousin Selena, I've got
a '37 engine in the garage...

Robbie, you look exactly
like your father did.

It's all mounted on
blocks and everything...

Only instead of
cars, it was airplanes.

Cousin Selena? Huh?

What are you gonna
fix for breakfast?

Chip, my goodness,
how you've grown. Have I?

It's all revved up so
it'll run and everything.

Come on, Cousin Selena!

Robbie, Robbie, at
least let Cousin Selena

get in the house before
you put her to work.

I'm not moving one step

until you stop calling
me Cousin Selena

and start calling me Selly.

All right, Selly it is. Selly.

Oh, boy, I sure do love
this great big kitchen.

You gonna fix
dinner tonight, Selly?

For crying out loud, Robbie,

stop pestering
your Cousin Selena.

Selly, Bub, Selly. Thanks.

I can't think of anything
I'd rather do than fix dinner,

if it's all right with Bub.

Sure, you bet!

Well, here's the royal suite.

Well, we'll have a look at that.

I think I got most of my
junk out of your way, Selly,

except maybe some things
on that top shelf in there.

Oh, this'll do me just fine.

But I don't like
putting you out, Bub.

Oh, don't worry about us.

Mike and I are used
to each other's snoring.

Uh, come on now,
let's all get out of here

and give Selly a
chance to relax, huh?

Relax?

I'm chomping at the bit.

Yeah, see, Dad?

Come on, Selly, let's go.

What's my cookie jar doing
around here before mealtime?

I don't know.

I guess maybe Robbie
brought it in. Uh-huh.

Well, you can just guess again.

Robbie's been in the
garage for the past hour.

Now, you know my rules.

No cookies before meals.

And hang up your coat.

Here!

What did I tell you?

What are you
doing in here again?

I'm just waiting
for Cousin Selena.

Oh, can't you
leave Cousin Selena

out of this for ten minutes?

You'll have her traipsing back
home before she's even settled.

How about some brownies?

Oh, boy, brownies!

Nothing special.

Just something I
whipped up to bring along.

You don't have to eat them.

Are you kidding?

Well, I guess one
won't spoil your dinner.

Oh, boy!

Selly, come on, I think
the fuel line's clogged.

We may have to... Brownies!

Boy, when'd you make these, Bub?

Selly brought them.

Boy, are they good.

Bub just makes
plain oatmeal cookies.

I'll bet they're good, too.

Yeah, if you like oatmeal.

Well, oatmeal's
darn good for you.

You bet it is.

Here, Bub, take one.

Nope, I'm no between-meal
cookie grabber.

Oh, go ahead. Come
on, Bub, it won't hurt you.

You don't know what
you're missing, Bub.

Hey, what about my scooter?

Bring it along, we'll give it
a test run in the driveway.

Darn good brownies.

Well, she's a good cook.

Who said she wasn't?

Man doesn't belong
in a kitchen anyway.

She can have the whole place.

I sure never planned
to stay there forever.

On and on and on.

I just keep rolling along.

They always say a
rolling stone gathers no...

Better believe it.

Oh, I had plenty of
chances to go back at first.

But I don't know.

A fella's got his
pride, you know?

And it sure doesn't take long
for folks to forget you, either.

Yep.

Out of sight, out of mind.

You better believe it.

Sometimes I think
I was too prideful.

But on the other hand,
that's all I really had.

A fella has to do
what he has to do.

You're not kidding, buddy.

And what I've got
to do is to get on

that old bus and
put some distance

between me and
that Douglas crowd.

Doggone 'em.

When they turned my
kitchen into a dance hall,

that's when I started
saying good-bye.

Now look what you made me do.

Darn vaudeville-hating
cha-cha dancers.

Why don't those guys
take poor old Selly outside

to do that stuff?

Whee! Whee!

Get out of the way.

Let's get it around.

Come on. Oh, Chip, some more?

How many times
do you want to do it?

Oh, Bub.

Would you check
me on this please?

Oh.

It's not enough that we have to

turn in reports
and write essays.

Now Miss Pitts has
us memorizing poetry.

Hmm, did you turn in
your report on the theater?

Uh, no, not yet.

Where'd you get the flowers?

Selly brought them in. Oh.

You know, you ought
to knock them silly

with that stuff I gave you.

Oh, yeah, sure.

Uh, you ready? Yeah.

Maybe you'd like
to have me run over

some of this stuff with you.

I know two or three...

Oh, no, no thanks,
Bub. Sure now?

Yeah, you've done
plenty already.

All right.

Uh, okay.

Oh, for one hour
of my youthful joy,

uh, give me back
my, give me back my...

20th.

Give me back my 20th spring,

I'd rather laugh a
bright-haired boy than...

than... Than reign
a gray-haired king.

Lot of hogwash.

No, it's Oliver Wendell Holmes.

Darn flowers.

People ought to act their age.

You are what you
are, and if you aren't,

you shouldn't be.

Boy, that's the truth.

But times have changed, O'Casey.

You used to get by with being

an ordinary pot-scrubbing
house-cleaning grandfather.

Nowadays, you've
got to be a motor-fixing,

cha-cha-dancing, scooter-
pushing football player.

Poor old Selly.

44! 89!

Hike!

Here, Selly.

Now, that was really shameful.

Imagine those darn
kids making poor old Selly

do a thing like that.

But I'll say this
for you, O'Casey.

You really tried to take some
of the load off her shoulders.

Yep, even if it was a
lot of darn foolishness.

You gave it the old O'Casey try.

Hey!

Hey, Bub, you all right?

Course I'm all right.

If you kids didn't leave these

darn fool things in a man's way.

Well, don't blame
me; Chip did it.

Somebody ought to do
something about that kid.

I'll do something about that kid

if he ever lights long enough
for me to catch up with him.

Here, get over there and
I'll see how good you are.

No, you might throw
your back out again.

The way things are going
around here, who needs it?

Might be a good thing
if I did throw it out.

Bicycles in the driveway!

Boxes in front of the door!

Boy, that did it.

There's sure no
fool like an old fool.

If Selly wants to
be a sucker, let her.

She'll find out soon
enough, the poor old thing.

Of course, it wasn't easy
to break the news to Steve,

but I guess he'll get by okay
as long as Selly holds out.

Yeah.

Well, you didn't get too
far ahead of me, huh?

No.

Say, that, uh, is quite
a paint job Selly put

on Chip's scooter, isn't it?

Real snazzy.

Yeah.

You remember that
old buddy of mine

that has the Deluxe
Theater over at Plainview?

Oh, yeah, what was his name?

Flats Jensen. Yeah.

Man, that Selly's busier
than a windmill in a tornado,

isn't she?

Yeah.

I got a letter from him.

Oh?

Yeah, he's, uh, he tells me

the theater's getting
to be too much for him.

Wow. He wants me to
come and take it over.

Well, that's kind of a
compliment, isn't it?

Yeah, it's just a
little 600-seat house.

It's air-conditioned and right
up to snuff and everything.

It's all right. Uh-huh.

So, uh...

I told him I'd take the job.

You what?

Do you want me to do
housework the rest of my life?

Well, of course not, Bub, but...

How many dishes do
you think I've washed

around here these
last six years?

28,642.

43.

Bub, you know darn well

you're more than just a
housekeeper around here.

I don't know how we'd
ever get along without you.

Oh, you'll manage.

Besides, I got my
career to think of.

All right, Bub, what's wrong?

Well, offers like this just
don't come along every day.

No, no, what's wrong?

Besides, I-I want a little
peace and quiet in my old age.

I see.

Well, when are you leaving?

Tonight.

Tonight?

Yep.

These darn bunks.

They're as bad as the Navy.

They're worse than the Navy.

At least the hammocks were soft.

Ah, gee, Bub, do you
have to leave tonight?

Ah, Robbie, just don't
stand there whining.

Take this bag.

Here, take it downstairs
and then come back

and help me pack
the rest of this stuff.

Now, go on, get down there.

Don't stand there gawking at me.

I'll get myself a room
in a nice private hotel,

that's what I'll do.

Be just like a vacation.

The way he's packing,

it looks like he can't wait
to get out of the house.

Well, come on in, Selly.

Join the decision council.

It's an old Douglas custom.

Yeah, mostly we decide to do

what Dad's decided
we should decide.

Democracy in action.

Ooh... been using
some new muscles lately.

Okay, Dad, what
are we going to do?

I'm not sure, Rob.

We've all tried to talk him
out of it, but you know Bub,

once he gets his mind
made up about something.

I figured we could stop
him from packing, but...

Why do you want to do that?

Ah, Chip, I suppose
you want Bub to go.

Selly went on a visit.

Why can't he?

Ah, Chip, for Pete's sake.

I just can't understand

why managing a
run-down old movie house

in Plainview

would mean more to Bub
than what he has right here.

He told me it had
air-conditioning and new seats.

That's an idea.

We could get new
seats and put...

Oh, come on,
Robbie, this is serious.

I'd be willing to do that.

I'd even put a popcorn
machine in the front hall

and a marquee over
the front door if I...

if I thought that was the
real reason he's going.

You didn't try and stop Bub
when he went to help Flats.

He told me we were
messing up his career.

He brought me a swell
present when he came home.

Can't you get it
through your head?

This time he's not coming home.

What do you mean?

I hinted for an ant farm

and he said he
might bring it to me.

Bub won't come right
out and say it, but...

I know he, he feels like
a fifth wheel around here.

Dad, he is the fifth wheel.

Next to Dad, he's the
biggest wheel in the house.

That's not quite what I meant.

I think what your
father means is...

Bub feels unnecessary,

sort of elbowed out of the way.

He didn't exactly
promise me the ant farm.

Well, why should he feel that?

Well, how would you feel
if someone shoved you

out of your room?

And took your
place in the kitchen?

Well, he's given up
his room plenty of times.

And he's always griping
about the kitchen work.

Yeah.

Besides... Bub's
different from you.

Well, he's... well,
he's just Bub.

He doesn't cha-cha
or other things like you,

but...

well... well, there's
just nobody like Bub.

He's just great.

He's got to come
back home sometime.

Doesn't he?

Bub's awfully lucky,
even if he doesn't know it.

Pretty smart, too.

He is what he is and
makes no bones about it.

Hey, Robbie.

I thought you were coming
back to help me with these things.

Gee, Bub, I forgot.

Steve, are you going
to take me to the depot?

Well, I didn't think you'd be
ready to go this soon, Bub.

Your bus doesn't leave
for an hour and half.

Yeah, I know, but I
don't want to be rushed

buying my ticket and
checking my baggage.

And, Robbie, will you
get that Thermos bottle

and that shoebox I left
on the kitchen table?

Shoebox?

Yeah, this is a 60-mile
trip, so I packed myself

some of Selly's chicken
and a little coffee.

Can I drive you down, Bub?

Now, you know you
can't put all this stuff

in that sawed-off
old jalopy of yours.

Well, I'll take the wagon.

Dad won't mind.

Will you, Dad?

Well, no, but, Bub...

Now, you know, you've
got your physics to do,

an-and don't give me
that "no homework" line.

I saw that last grade of yours.

Here they are, Bub.

Can I ride down with you?

You certainly cannot.

You got to watch these
guys like a hawk, Selly.

Anything to get out
of their homework.

Now, if you want
something to do, Mike,

you can put these
bags in the car.

Bub... Bub, how come we...

And you other fellas,

don't forget to bring
the rest of my stuff over

when you come up
to see me next week.

Of course I'll be working,

but I'll have time
to visit with you

when the feature picture is on.

And don't forget to feed Tramp.

And do whatever
Selly tells you to do.

Don't forget to have 'em pitch
right in and help you, Selly.

And, uh, Steve, will
you tell the Pearsons

that I'll drop them a postcard?

Well, Bub, I'm not going to try
to tell you how sorry we all are

that you're going to leave.

There just aren't
enough words for that.

We love you and we need you

and we want you to stay.

But I guess you have to do
what you think is best for you.

You kids can have all
the free passes you want.

Let's go.

Bus for Rockville now arriving.

Have your tickets ready, please.

Well, it won't be long now.

Deluxe Theater, here I come.

Taking tickets, selling popcorn.

More fun than a
barrel of monkeys.

Kiddies' matinee every Saturday,

patrolling the aisles,

telling the monkeys to shut up.

O'Casey, who you trying to kid?

If you can't stand your
own three monkeys,

how are you going
to stand 300 of them?

This seat taken?

No, help yourself.

What in the world
are you doing here?

Going back to South Madison.

Well, who's going to
take care of the boys?

Well, I don't know.

With you going to Plainview,

Steve'll just have
to find somebody.

But he was counting on you.

Well, why should he count on me?

I was just there on vacation.

Vacation? Well, he...
You weren't figuring

I was going to take
over for you, were you?

Well, I ju... Why, good grief.

An old gal like me
who's lucky enough

to have a place where
she's wanted and needed

should stay put and not
traipse all over creation

looking for greener fields.

Well, he sure needs somebody.

It's not that I don't love
Steve and the boys.

I do, but, well, they
were getting tired of me

and... I was just getting tired.

For pity's sake, I'm 60, not 30.

He's figuring on
that pesky Aunt Mae.

You'd think there was
something wrong with getting old,

the way people keep
fighting it all the time.

She don't understand
those boys for sour apples.

No, sir, I know where I belong,

and I'm going back
there and enjoy it.

Aunt Mae.

Aunt Mae.

Not enough starch in the shirts,

not enough
seasoning in the food,

too much yakking
over the back fence.

Why, even Tramp
can't stand Aunt Mae.

Bus for Rockville,
Guston Station, Apex,

Plainview, Palmer Falls, and
South Madison now arriving.

Have your tickets ready, please.

If that old fussbudget thinks

she's moving me out of my house,

she's got another think coming,

I'll tell you that.

Well, Selly,

don't forget to come back
and pay us a visit real soon.

And don't forget

to send me the recipe
for your brownies.

Thanks, Selly.

Aunt Mae.

Every time I think of that
cantankerous old chromo,

I get chills and fever.

Pretty close call, Selena.

You just saved yourself

from being sunk in
the fountain of youth.

All aboard, please,
for Rockville,

Guston Station, Apex...

Shh.

All aboard.

Well, I could disappear

off the face of
this earth tomorrow

and who would know it?

And who in tarnation would care?

Yep, man needs more than
just a place to hang his hat.

Got to have folks
around him who need him,

who care about him a little.

You'd better believe it, friend.

You'd better believe it.