My Three Sons (1960–1972): Season 1, Episode 15 - Domestic Trouble - full transcript

Okay, Tramp. I hear it.

Just keep your
pants on, will you?

I can hear the phone.

You'll wake the whole house up.

Sure, Flats, I want
to help you out,

but I, I just don't want
to leave my son-in-law

without a... Shut up, Tramp.

I know it's an emergency, Flats.

Tramp, let go!

Not you, no, not you, Flats.

I'll be over there.
Don't worry now.



Let go, Tramp, will you?

Don't you worry, Flats.

I'll get over there
tonight somehow.

Good-bye, Flats.

Flats Jensen is
one of the best pals

I ever had in my life
and I just don't feel

that I should leave
him there alone.

Now, what I'm worried about

is who's gonna take care of
you and the boys while I'm gone.

Oh, don't worry, Bub.

We'll-we'll find somebody.

No problem. Come on, Steve,

you got to take
me to the airport.

Okay. Okay, Bub.



Okay, first, first
thing in the morning.

No, no, no.

Now, don't go back to sleep.

I've got to make
the midnight plane.

Oh, okay. Okay.

Okay. Mm-hmm. Right.

Now, stay awake now. Yeah, yeah.

I got to go and pack.

Okay.

Mmm.

What's going on?

Oh, oh.

You're up, huh, Mike.

Good.

Good.

Yeah.

Do me a favor, hmm?

Here are the keys to the car.

Drive your granddad
to the airport, hmm?

Sure.

Airport?

Yeah, slight emergency.

He'll tell you about it.

No problem.

Oh, good.

Drive carefully.

What's the deal? Oh, good.

Here's Dad's car keys.

Bub has to go to the airport.

Airport?

Slight emergency.

No problem.

Oh, good.

Is it still last night
or is it this morning?

Oh, here, take
Dad's keys to Bub.

He's got to take
someone to the airport.

Slight emergency. No problem.

Hey, Chip, what
are you doing up?

Here's the keys.

Dad wants someone to
pick him up at the airport.

Pick him up at the airport?

Slight emergency.

No problem.

What's going on here?

Peanut butter and
jelly for breakfast.

Peanut butter
and jelly for lunch.

Is that all you eat?

Peanut butter and jelly? No.

Wait, just hold this while I,

well, I'll, I'll bring
it right back.

Sure, sure glad Dad didn't get

that crabby old Aunt Meg.

Well, look, Chip, somebody's
got to take care of the house.

Besides, Bub may be gone

for ten days or more.

Well, we can forget
about Mrs. Hodgekiss.

She's got jury duty.

Jury duty?

I wish she'd get a phone.

It'd save me some gas.

Well, we got to get somebody.

She said we might
try Sylvia Horton.

Yeah, I forgot about her.

I'll give her a call.
Need some help here?

No, I'm all through with this.

Why don't you get
started with the dishes?

Now, come on, you
fellows, eat up and, uh,

help Mike with the
dishes, will you?

No.

This oatmeal
tastes kind of funny.

How could oatmeal taste funny?

It's just oatmeal.

One sandwich
enough for you, Chip?

Sure, Dad.

Okay.

Well, you, you sure
you put everything in?

What, in the oatmeal? Sure.

What's there to put in?

You put oatmeal
and water and that's it.

The only thing he could
have left out, he put in.

If you left that out, all you'd
have is a bowl of hot water.

That's right, Chip.

Well, let's see if
we can get a hold

of Sylvia Horton.

Salt!

Salt?

Yeah!

Bub always puts
salt in the water.

That's what I forgot.

Well, we'll get Sylvia
Horton over here

and she can put
salt in the water.

Quit making such
a big production of it

and salt it yourself.

Hey, Robbie, how
about a little coffee?

No, thanks, Dad.

I didn't mean for
you, I meant for me.

Oh.

Hello.

Uh, could I speak to
Sylvia Horton, please?

Oh.

Oh, well, Mrs. Horton, uh,

this is Steven Douglas and, uh,

we're in a kind of a
jam over here again.

And I wondered if your daughter
could come over and help us out?

She did?

In June?

Well.

Well, I'm sorry that...

No, no, I don't mean
I'm sorry about that.

Yes, I'm sure she is.

Well, thank you for...

Yes, I'm sure they
will be, Mrs. Horton.

Yes. Well, thank you... Yes.

Oh, that's, that's, that's
very true, Mrs. Horton.

You haven't lost a daughter, no.

You gained a son.

Who'd want to
marry Sylvia Horton?

Well, thank you.

Yes.

Yes. Thank you.

Well, th... thank
you, Mrs... Yes.

Thank you, Mrs. Horton. Yes.

Phew.

She can't come.

Say, what about an
employment agency?

Yeah, I guess that's
what we'll have to do.

Holy froly, I didn't
think it was that late.

I've got to shave and get
dressed and get out of here.

Now, you take care
of it, will you, Mike?

Yeah, what do you want me to do?

Well, just look up an agency

that specializes in domestics.

Tell 'em what we
need. You know, uh,

somebody to, uh, well, you know.

What's a domestic?

What do you think?

How come you ask
so many questions?

Didn't you when you were my age?

No.

Oh, my gosh.

I'll be right out!

Uh, Robbie,

give this domestic
place a call, will you,

and tell them our problem.

If you get into
trouble, Dad's upstairs.

Well, I'm in a hurry, too.

Go on. Do it.

It's not gonna kill you.

I did the dishes, didn't I?

Well, they don't
look done to me.

Chip, call this
domestic place for Dad,

will you? Why don't you?

Look, it won't hurt you to
do something for a change.

What have you done?

I poured a cup of
coffee for Dad, didn't I?

Well, okay.

When you get somebody
on the line, yell for Dad.

Good morning.

Domestic Bliss Incorporated.

Hey, Dad,

the domestic place
is on the phone.

Uh, Domestic Bliss Incorporated.

Good morning.

Hey, Dad, pick up the phone!

Mike was gonna
take care of that.

Domestic Bliss. Hello?

Hey, Dad,

the domestic place
is on the phone!

Okay, Chip, I'll get it.

He knows I'm late.

Hello?

Hello?

Bub had to go to Plainfield.

My dad has three kids and
he needs someone to come in,

'cause we don't have a mother.

Hello.

Hello?

Hello. Hello.

Hello.

Hello. Hello.

Hi, Dad. Oh, hi, Chip.

No, I-I, I've got it, Chip.

May I have your name, sir?

Uh, Steven Douglas.

I live at 837 Mill
Street and we...

And you're looking for a lady
to share your home with you

and your three children?

Uh, yes, we, we
would like her to live in,

if that's what you mean.

Very well, Mr. Douglas.

We'll send an interviewer
out late this afternoon.

An interviewer?

Well, is that necessary?

I, I was hoping to get
a woman right away.

Patience, Mr. Douglas.

A mistake at this point could
mean a lifetime of misery.

But don't worry.

I'm sure we'll find just the
woman you're looking for.

Well, fine.

But, uh, the sooner the better.

Good-bye.

Good afternoon,
Domestic Aid Service.

No, ma'am. I'm sorry.

We don't have a cook,
handy man, gardener.

But we do have a cook,
chauffeur, gardener.

And a cook, handy
man, chauffeur.

And... oh,

here's an interesting
combination.

A... Hmm?

Oh, I'm sorry if
I've confused you.

Yes, ma'am, I'll call you

if your combination
should come up.

Good-bye.

If you want to see
Mr. Henderson, he's out to lunch.

And Miss Franklin, too.

Oh, it must have been
Miss Franklin I talked to.

Uh, but I'm sure you
can take care of it.

I want to cancel an interview.

Oh, gee, I don't know
anything about that.

I'm afraid I can't help you.

What's your name?

Steven Douglas.

Hmm.

You-you see, I was
supposed to have this interview

late this afternoon.

And I happened to be
in the neighborhood,

so I thought I could
speed things up

a little by coming here

and giving you the
information you want.

Oh, gee, I don't know.

What sort of work do you do?

Well, I'm an engineer.

No, you don't understand.

You see, I'm not
looking for work.

I'm looking for
somebody to work for me.

A housekeeper.

Oh, gee.

What's wrong?

Nothing.

Oh.

Well, you see, my
father-in-law had

to leave town
suddenly Excuse me.

So we just have to have...

Good afternoon,
Domestic Aid Service.

I'm sorry, they're out to lunch.

My father-in-law had leave town

and we... Good afternoon,

Domestic Aid Service.

I'm sorry, they're out to lunch.

What was your name again?

Steven Douglas.

And my father-in-law
had to leave town and, uh,

we need somebody at
the house A housekeeper.

Hello.

Why, hello, there.

Are you the lady from
the domestic place?

I'm Mrs. Barr.

Aren't you the
little boy I talked to

on the phone this morning?

Yes, ma'am. You want to come in?

Why, thank you.

Excuse me, sir.

Is your daddy home?

No, ma'am. He's working.

Oh, I see.

You want some ice cream?

No, thanks.

Well, as long as I'm here,

maybe you could
answer some questions.

It might hurry things along.

Okay.

I know Dad wants to get a
woman as soon as he can.

Are you as anxious to
have a lady in the house

as your father is?

Oh, sure, especially
if she's a good cook.

How cute.

Now, I have to get an idea
of what your house looks like.

How would you like
to show me around

and I can ask you
questions as we go?

Okay. The kitchen's out here.

Come on, Tramp.

How old are you, dear?

And, uh, what are the
ages of your brothers?

I'm eight.

And Robbie's going to
high school pretty soon.

And Mike's got a driving
license and whiskers.

Want to see my dad's room?

Oh, yes.

The master bedroom is one of
the most important rooms on my list.

Oh, this is nice.

Of course, it's understandably

a little masculine right now.

But she could put a, a-a
cute little dressing table there.

And... Hello.

Perhaps some fluffy
curtains here at the window.

Down, fella, down.

She might want to
change the walls.

Possibly peach,
or, uh, dusty rose.

Jeepers. Is she
gonna stay in here?

Of course, Chip.

This is where your father
would want her to stay.

Boy, I guess Dad'll have
to move in with Mike.

Well, I have to be going.

I have another
appointment to make.

Oh, my gosh.

Jean, I'll be right over.

Mike, this is Dad.

Oh, hi, Dad.

Hi. Now look,

I just had a call from
the domestic aid service

and they found someone for us

and they're sending her out to
the house as soon as they can.

And, uh, I thought I'd
be away from the office,

but I'm still tied up here so
would you do something for me?

Oh, gee, Dad, I'd, I'd like
to but I'm, I'm late already.

Here, you better talk to Robbie.

Now, wait a minute, Mike.

What's up? Dad's found a woman.

He'll tell you all about it.

No kidding, Dad.
When's she getting here?

Well, any time now, Rob.

Now look, I'll get away
from here as soon as I can,

but in case she gets
there before I do,

you show her where she's to
stay and make her feel welcome.

Now that we've found somebody,
we don't want to lose her.

Okay, Dad. See you later.

Hey, who's going
to do the dishes?

Don't ask me.

I did them this morning.

You what?!

I cooked a...

Hey, wait a minute.
You didn't do the...

So long.

Hey, wait a minute.

Hot dog!

Saved by the Boy Scouts!

"And if the new woman
gets here before Dad,

"show her where to stay
and try not to act too dumb.

See you after the
Scout meeting, Robbie."

Howdy.

What's your name, honey?

Chip, ma'am.

I'm Leona.

Domestic Aid
Service sent me out.

Come on in. Oh.

Whoo-ee!

Dad isn't home yet.

Want me to help
you with some of that?

I sure do.

I've been hauling this junk
clear across the country.

Just got in from Potter
Falls this afternoon.

It's going to feel awful good
to get settled in somewhere.

Where's my room, honey?

Upstairs.

Upstairs?

Well, I'll be darned.

It's going to feel sort
of nice to sleep upstairs

with the family for a change.

Whoo-ee!

Them are some stairs.

Here's Dad's room.

Ah, thank you, sugar.

Sakes alive!

You sure I'm
supposed to be in here?

That's what the lady from
the domestic place said.

Whose room did you say this was?

Well, it used to be my dad's,
but he's moving in with Mike.

I think I'm going
to like this just fine.

Let's just dump my junk
over here in the corner, hmm?

Till your daddy finish
getting his stuff moved.

There we go.

Thank you, sugar.

Now... It's okay.

I think you're going
to like my dad.

If he's as nice
as you are, sugar,

I'm sure we're going
to get along just fine.

I'll be right back.

I'm going over to
Squeezy's house

and help him feed
his garter snake.

All right, sugar.

I'm just going to get in
that tub and soak for hours.

She didn't show up. I
wonder what happened?

If she doesn't get
here pretty quick,

we're going to
run out of dishes.

Boy, what a mess.

Well, it's about time.

Oh, how do you do?

Mr. Douglas?

Yes. Come right in,
won't you? Thank you.

I thought you'd be out
here earlier, but, uh...

Is that all? I mean, don't
you have a suitcase?

Patience, Mr. Douglas.

I'm afraid you're
a little overeager.

Yes, I guess I am.

Things have kind of piled
up on us around here.

Well, I guess we'd better
start out in the kitchen first.

I'm sorry.

I, I bet you'd like
to see your room.

Hold on, Mr. Douglas.

I'm Mrs. Barr.

Well, it's nice to
know you, Mrs. Barr.

Of course, it isn't
a very big one...

Listen, Mr. Douglas...

but it's very convenient.

It's right here off
the kitchen. Wait!

I'm just the interviewer.

The interviewer?

I thought that was
all taken care of.

Your office said they were
sending a woman right out.

I can fully appreciate your
impatience, Mr. Douglas.

But we have found out that
this ounce of precaution...

Well, it looks like
I have no choice.

Won't you come in and sit down?

Oh, thank you.

Of course, this is the, uh,

first time I've worked
through an agency.

I mean, I didn't realize
it entailed so much...

I promise to scurry
right through all this.

Douglas... Steven.

Occupation?

Uh, engineer.

Missile engineer.

Missile?

Now, tell me, Mr. Douglas,
do you have any preference

in terms of height,
weight and complexion?

None.

You don't?

No. Why should I
care how she looks?

Just as long as
she's presentable.

Strange.

Strange?

Well, I just figure the
less particular I am,

the sooner I'll get someone.

I see.

Searching... for a woman

who has inner beauty.

Do you admire a woman
who is artistically creative

and highly imaginative?

Well, just as long as
her high imagination

doesn't get in the
way of the housework.

Is it necessary for the lady
to have an active interest

in your business and hobbies?

Well, as a matter of
act, I'd prefer it if she kept

her active interest
out of my business.

Mrs. Barr, all I expect
her to do is work.

What I need is help.

Just plain, old-fashioned,
floor-scrubbing,

food-cooking, pot-washing,
bed-making help.

Mr. Douglas...

through all my 25
years in this profession,

I've never met a man like you.

Well, thank you.

I don't know of any woman
who could share your home

under the conditions
you've named.

I beg your pardon?

Does a woman really mean no
more to you than a floor-scrubbing,

pot-washing slave?

Slave?

Why, I intend to pay her.

Money?!

Well, sure, and then she'll
have her usual days off.

Shame!

Mr. Douglas, for shame.

Money and the usual days off

in return for a
lifetime of drudgery.

Lifetime?

Mrs. Barr, didn't I make
it clear to you that this is

only to be a temporary
arrangement?

Temporary?

Yes, just to, uh...

A relationship of this
kind cannot be entered into

on a temporary, trial basis.

Would you excuse me?

Apologies are too
late, Mr. Douglas.

You're mid-Victorian,
tyrannical attitude

toward women is out of
place in the 20th century.

Material benefits are no
longer enough to hold a woman.

She needs understanding,
companionship.

In a word, Mr. Douglas, love.

Where'd that come from?

Oh, don't play innocent.
Everybody knows that.

Hello?

Hello, Steve.

Oh, hi, Bub.

I can't understand you.

There must be some
kind of interference.

Well, it's a tea
kettle here in the...

Oh, I just wish there were
some sort of law to protect women

from men like you.

May I suggest that next time,
you hire an employment agency?

Howdy. Oh, howdy. Thank you.

Hi, Dad. Hi, Mrs. Barr.

Hi, Leona. Hi!

How do you like Dad's room?

Just fine, honey, just fine.

You there?! Excuse me.

Oh, operator, operator... Chip?

Steve, what's going on?

Well, a slight
emergency, Bub. No...

Well, there is a little problem.

Uh, call me back in
ten minutes, will you?

I may know something by then.

Would you excuse me, please?

Chip!

Chip!

Well, if you hadn't trotted
out to your Boy Scout meeting

instead of staying...
It wasn't my fault.

I mean, if he could read,
we wouldn't have gotten

the wrong number
in the first place.

I can read all right.

My finger was wrong.

Well, next time,
use a ruler, will you?

Now, look, fellows,

this whole thing started
because of passing the buck.

Now, the next time
you're given a job to do,

you go right ahead and do it

without asking
someone to do it for you.

Plenty more cookies and
cocoa downstairs, boys.

Boy, I'll have some more.

You've got to get to bed.

Especially you,
Chipper, get in there.

I'll just get my junk out
of your way, Mr. Douglas.

Okay. I'm sorry about
this mix-up, Leona.

Why don't you give
Leona a hand, huh?

Yeah, give her a
hand, will you, Robbie?

What I don't understand, Chip,

is why you put Leona
in here in the first place?

Well, if you'd have been here
like you were supposed to be.

Oh, now, quit passing the buck.

That's right.

Now take Chip over
there, for example.

I ask you fellows to help
Leona with her things

and Chip went ahead and
did it without passing the buck.

Who could I pass it to?

Don't you worry, Chip.

Leona's going to
take care of you.

When you come home
from school tomorrow,

I'm going to have a
homemade lemon pie

with meringue that high.

And a big jar of my
special sugar cookies.

Uh, Chip, Leona...
I'm coming, Leona...

Good night, Dad.

What a day.

I didn't think it was
ever going to end,

but it looks like it's
finally going to make it.

How'd I ever get in that
deal like that one today?

You can never tell what's going
to happen around this house?

Well, it just shows you,

if you got a sense of humor,
don't worry about things,

they have a way of
working themselves out.

Oh, man, this bed's
going to feel good.

Well, it just goes to show you,

there's no use
worrying about things.

Things have a way of
taking care of themselves.

Just have a sense
of humor about things.

Have faith...

Don't let things get you down.

If you just let them alone,

they'll... take care
of themselves.

Just keep smiling, and
the important thing is

a good night's sleep.

And... after a
good night's sleep,

you're going to wake
up in the morning...

things are almost like
they never happened.

When things get you down...

A good night's sleep takes
care of a lot of things, too.

Kinda take care of
themselves, given time.

But sleep, that's the thing.

Sleep.

It unravels the knitted...

It unravels the
knitted... Sleep.

It knits the unravel...

"Sleep... that knits
the raveled sleeve."

Yeah. That's it.