My Three Sons (1960–1972): Season 1, Episode 13 - The Elopement - full transcript

Away from the stove.

What are we having?

Wait and see.

Of course, I think we're right,

but a lot of people
won't agree with us.

Time's up, lover-boy.

I got to get on that thing.

It'll just be up to us to
show them they're wrong.

Dinner's ready,
and Bub said to...

I know, Jean...
"Come and get it!"

the same way about
something as important as this is.



Now, there's nothing

to be nervous about tomorrow.

A guy could be dying,
and you'd stay right on

playing footsie with Jean.

I got an application
blank the other day.

Yeah, we can look it over...

Didn't you hear Chip?

Dinner's ready.

Now go wash up.

Look, just 'cause
Dad's out of town

doesn't mean you
can boss me around.

Now, come on,
smooch her good-bye

and give me that phone, Mike.
Just one of the kiddies, Jean.

Mike, come on, I gotta get on
that thing. Come on, you guys!



Cut out this nonsense. Boy!

Get out. Look, Mike.

Get in there, you...
Well, this guy...

I haven't got a chance.

Oh, boy, this will
stand the senior class

on their ear, won't it?

I'll stand you on your ear

if you don't get in there.

Now! All right.

Well, look, Miss Benson,

couldn't you just read my
theme to the ladies in your club

without showing them
my clock collection?

When'll Dad be back?

About noon tomorrow.

And if he gets
delayed, he'll call us up.

I don't see how he
expects to get through

when Robbie keeps
that phone busy

day and night with his yakking.

Oh, no, ma'am.

I'm not trying to back out.

It's just that bringing
all those clocks

to the Women's Club is...

Okay, Miss Benson.

Sure.

4:00 tomorrow afternoon.

Bye.

Oh, boy.

Robbie, dishes!

Okay, I'm coming!

Sit down, Robbie.

That phone's giving
you a cauliflower ear.

Look who's talking.

Hey, that's cheating.

Well, at least Jean and I

have important
things to talk about.

Oh, sure, very important stuff,

like, "Whose itty
bitty sweetie is who?"

And "I's you's itty bitty
sweetie, Mikey baby."

If there's one
thing I can't stand,

it's a smart aleck child.

I'm a patient man
most of the time, Bub,

but this juvenile...
Hey, that's my arrow.

Now that you're a man,
when are you gonna move out

and get married so I
can have your room?

When, I'll tell you one thing...

When I do move
out and get married,

you won't be there.

You wash.

Bub?

Yeah?

Suppose a guy was in a spot

where he... where
he had to pretend

he was something he wasn't

or had something he didn't have,

like, uh, unusual clocks
or something and...

You're not getting
those glasses clean.

And then somebody...
Like his teacher...

Said, uh...

"We'd like to see
this collection of things

you have at 4:00 tomorrow"?

Course, I... this
guy hasn't got them.

You're splashing
water on my clean floor.

Robbie.

Hmm?

Where are you gonna get yourself

a bunch of unusual
clocks by 4:00 tomorrow?

Well...

I just thought you'd
like to read this.

"High School Elopements

on Upswing Throughout State."

"Educator Tells Teenage
Marriage Problems."

Did you ever notice it's
always some guy about 90

who tells us how we think?

Oh, sure, always.

We're not supposed to
know anything at our age,

because we're children.

Say, do you think
it'll be crowded

at the License Bureau?

Yeah, it's bound to be.

They dish out more
marriage licenses on Saturday

than any other day of the week.

Hi, Jean.

You finished with
the hose, Mike?

Yeah, you can have it.

What are you kids doing,
reading the funnies?

See? We're children.

We must be reading the funnies.

Save them for me, will you?

I've been looking
for them all day.

Okay, Bub.

"Dr. Harrison Forbes said today

"that one reason for
this teenage problem

"is that licenses
are too easy to get

and young couples rush..."

You know, he's
got a point there.

They're too darned easy.

Huh?

Anybody with a car can
get a license nowadays.

No wonder traffic
is in such a mess.

I have a dress to
press and everything.

I want to look my best.

You're gonna be
the prettiest girl there.

See you in about an hour.

Okay.

Where is everybody, Chip?

Robbie's in the attic
looking for old clocks,

and Mike and Jean
went someplace,

and boy, was he dressed up.

He had his hat
on and everything.

Jean, too!

Can I have a banana?

Well, it's a little late
to say no, isn't it?

I asked him where
they were going,

and he said, "Get lost."

Well, that figures.
Then Jean said,

"Are you sure the License Bureau

is open all day?"

Then Mike said,

"Sure, I phoned the
City Hall this morning."

License Bureau?

They were reading
about that in the paper.

So that's where they
went, huh? Where?

Where you said: down to
get a new driver's license.

Who's getting a
driver's license?

Mike... Jean and him went down

to the City Hall and...
Are you kidding?

You don't get a driver's
license at the City Hall.

That's at the Motor
Vehicle Department.

Bub, listen, a couple weeks ago,

Miss Benson assigned
this theme on our hobbies...

You heard them say "City
Hall," Chip? It looked like they're

going on a trip to
me... Jean has...

Ah, Chip, they can't
go away on a trip,

not just the two of them.

Why can't they?
Mike's got a car.

Why can't they go on a trip?

Well, they... they
just can't, that's all.

Why can't they?

They have to be back by tonight.

Oh, that's right, sure.

I almost forgot.

It's Mike's turn to
do the dishes tonight.

It's not...

Oh, Bub, anyhow,
like I was telling you,

she assigned this theme,
but she doesn't want me

to write about my motor again.

That's funny...
Mike didn't at least

leave word for his father.

I don't have any other
hobbies to write about,

so I had to make one up.

She flipped, gave me an A-minus,

and now she wants me...

Chip, bring me that paper

out in the living
room, will you?

Boy!

Nobody in this house
cares what happens to me.

That's not so.

I think it's swell that
you got an A-minus.

Yeah, but where am I gonna find

a dozen unusual clocks?

What makes you think
that Jean and Mike

were going on a trip?

Well, Jean was carrying
this little sort of a...

What do you mean, a suitcase?

I guess so.

Mike even carried it
out to the car for her.

Well, I'm going over to
Freddie Trotter's house

and help him feed
his garter snake.

Let me know if Dad
brings me something.

Holy smoke.

I know I got nobody
but myself to blame,

and I thought maybe I
could figure a way out.

There just aren't that many
unusual clocks around...

Oh, hi, Robbie.

Most of the clocks I wrote about

in my essays are real old.

Hi, Dad.

I mean, like 300 or
400 years. Uh-huh.

I-I read about them in
the encyclopedia. Wow.

Steve, I thought
you'd never get here.

Oh, hi, Bub. Bub, will
you let me tell him?

Rob, what are you
so excited about?

Well... He got an A-minus.

An A-minus... well, Rob...
Now, go ahead, Robbie.

I want to have a serious talk

with your father... go ahead.

Well, can I have
your watch, anyway?

My watch?

Yeah, you said someday
you were gonna give it to me,

and today's when I need it.

Out!

Well, can I at least
have the egg timer?

Yes, but bring it back.

Egg timer?

Steve, I want to
have a talk with you.

Okay, Bub, right after I
take a hot shower, huh?

But you can't take a shower now.

Now, don't tell me that
water heater's gone out again.

No, well... Well, anything
else can wait, Bub.

I want to get out
of these clothes.

I've had them on since
yesterday morning.

Where are the other boys?

They're around.

Chip's down the street.

Mike's eloping with Jean.

And, you know, same
old Saturday routine.

Mike's doing what?

I don't see why
a bunch of ladies

would want to look at
my old cowboy wristwatch.

Hey, remember this?

Aunt May sent it to
us one Christmas.

Hey, there's no cuckoo.

I traded it to Freddie
for that stuffed fish.

Well, you go get it
back, and hurry up.

You couldn't use
the fish, could you?

I gotta have that cuckoo!

I'll try, but I think
Freddie's cat ate it.

And Mike even wore his hat.

Oh?

Now add that up,

and where do you think
they went... bowling?

Oh, Bub, Mike and Jean
know that we all approve

of their getting married
when they get old enough.

They don't have to
elope... they know that.

So you don't think we have
anything to worry about?

No, of course not.

They're both too sensible
to do a thing like that.

Mm-hmm. When they
get back this afternoon,

you'll probably find out they
went to a movie or something.

Well, they must have picked
out at least a double feature then,

'cause Jean took a suitcase full

of clothes with her.

If it'll make you
feel any better, Bub,

we'll go next door

and ask Jean's folks
where the kids are.

You gonna spend
the night over there?

Hmm?

Oh. Uh, right.

Well, I'm glad
you think we don't

have anything to worry about.

And all this so-called evidence

is why the old private
eye here thought

that, uh, Mike and
Jean had eloped.

Guess Jean's trying to
save us the cost of a wedding.

Yeah. Oh, Henry.

Well, they were reading

about high school
marriages in the paper here,

and when Jean took
her suitcase, I figured...

Bub, I told you

that Jean was probably
returning some dresses

she borrowed from Gloria.

Well, what I'd like to find
out is why Mike wore his hat.

Well, just for you, Bub,

I'll check in Jean's room

and see if Gloria's
dresses are gone.

For my money, Bub,

I think you put together
a pretty good case.

Thanks.

So easy to jump
to conclusions, Bub.

Pardon me, Henry.

But we don't have to
worry about Mike or Jean.

They know exactly
where they're going.

And I don't know
exactly where I'm going.

I guess I came in
another door the other day.

Marriage License Bureau?

Well, yeah.

Right down the hall,
around the corner.

You'll see the line.

Thanks.

Well, here we go.

I wonder how he knew
where we wanted to go.

I don't know.

Oh, hey, you better give
me the application blank,

so we can be ready when...

Oh, honey, I forgot it.

I left it home.

What'll we do?

Well, we'll get
another one, that's all.

There's nothing to
worry about... no problem.

No problem.

That's what I was telling Bub.

These are sensible kids.

They're not gonna get
married till Mike's out of college,

or at least until
he's in college.

Florence, what's the matter?

I found this on
Jean's dressing table.

Application for a
marriage license.

Okay, I'll take real good
care of it, Miss Pitts.

Thanks a lot.
I'll be right over.

You got my cuckoo?

It's all Freddie could find.

Sorry.

I... I don't... I don't
see them, do you?

No. Now, there, you see?

You fooled around so long,

we probably missed them.

They don't have
enough money with them

to get very far.
Oh, now, Henry...

Well, I'll, uh... I'll
go and ask the clerk

if he's seen them. All right.

I didn't even give Jean
her allowance for the week.

Course, I-I guess they
could borrow some.

Who'd lend money to a teenager?

Another teenager.

They've probably been
here and gone long ago.

Let's phone Flo and see
if she's heard anything.

Uh, you call her.

I'll wait here for
Steve. All right.

W-W-Would you
pardon me just a minute?

It'll just take a second.

You'll have to
wait your turn, sir.

At the end of the line,
like everybody else.

Well, I-I don't want a license.

I just wanted to ask a question.

This is the Marriage
License Bureau.

The information
desk is in the lobby.

But I don't think
they'd be able to help.

Uh, this is rather urgent.

Look, mister,
nobody's any urgenter

than we are.

We only have an eight-hour pass.

It's taken me three hours

to talk her into marrying me.

Sorry.

Now, if you'll just
sign there, please.

Well, that does it.

Shall we?

Wasn't Judge McCue wonderful?

Now you can see why so many
kids our age get married by him.

No. No, Bub, nobody's called.

Oh, uh, just a minute, Bub.

Somebody's at the door.

Maybe it's news.

Robbie! Have you heard
anything from Mike?

Uh, no, ma'am.

I just wondered if you
had any old clocks around

that you weren't using.

Old clocks?

Uh, yeah. I have
to get about a dozen

of these together by 4:00.

Oh, I'm sorry, Robbie, I can't

talk about clocks right now.

Come in.

No, no news. It was Robbie.

He's on some kind
of a trash drive.

Oh, no, no. I
won't say anything.

Well, you'll call me
the minute you know?

Fine. Bye.

Robbie, did Mike seem, well,

strange to you this morning?

No more than usual.

I suppose a clock like this
cost a lot of money, huh?

Oh, no.

It's just a copy.

Jean seemed perfectly normal.

Well, do you suppose that
if I took real good care of it,

that I could borrow
it for this afternoon?

Oh. Oh, yes, Robbie,
you can take it.

Thanks, Mrs. Pearson.

I've never seen
a watch like that.

Oh. It's an heirloom.

My mother gave it to
me on my wedding day.

I was going to give it to Jean.

Well, I wonder if... Oh, dear.

Oh, that's okay, Mrs. Pearson.

I'll just take this.

I wouldn't want
to borrow anything

that meant so much to you.

Thanks, again, Mrs. Pearson.

Excuse me.

Which one of you is
Princess Margaret?

Very funny.

You can't get a license
unless you have a girl

with you, mister... You
guys ought to know that.

Yes, we know that.

We happen to be here to
stop a marriage, not start one.

Stop a marriage?

What are you, against
love or something?

Steve, I'm beginning
to feel a little silly.

What's the matter, mister?

Don't you believe in marriage?

Yes, marriage is fine. It's...

Pretty darned expensive.

Just that our children
are a little young.

They're not even 18 and...

18? What do you mean?
That's not too young.

I was married twice
before I was 18.

Three times.

Oh, hi, Eddie!

Oh, Steve, come
on, hurry up, come on!

Good! He's found 'em.

I'll bet the whole thing's
a tempest in a teapot.

That's what I've been
telling you, Henry.

Come on. I tracked them down.

Good. Where are they?

I don't know, but I
know where they went.

Come on. The guard'll tell you.

Then in about 20
minutes, they come back.

They had their papers and all.

They asked me to show 'em
where Judge McCue's office is.

They went to the judge's office?

I took 'em right to
the judge's door.

Yes, sir!

Pretty near the last
couple he married, I guess.

Uh, thank you.

Well, I guess that's it.

It sure is.

I think I'll just go and sit
down for a few minutes.

Who is it? Is it your dad?

I think so.

I'm kind of anxious to tell him.

You know, get his
reaction and everything.

I wonder what he'll think.

What's the matter
with you two guys?

You haven't said three
words all the way home.

17-year-old bride,
1939 jalopy and no job.

I just don't understand it.

Mike and I have
always been so close.

Well, they're a couple
of real swell kids.

With no place to live,
no food and no money.

We've always been
like good friends.

I wish your good
friend had told you

he was going to run
off with my daughter.

Boy, that's some cuckoo!

Sure hope Freddie's
mother doesn't belong

to the club that you're
showing these to.

Why?

'Cause we borrowed the
cuckoo from one of her hats.

Oh, boy. When we
turn this in on Monday,

if Mr. Clark doesn't give
us an A in Sociology,

I'm gonna sue!

Well, you know how he loves

the students to do research.

Well, it was worth it!

Gee, these figures that
Judge McCue gave us.

Just think of it!

82% of all high school
marriages last year... blooey!

Well, I love Jean
like a daughter.

She knows that.

You know how fond
Flo and I are of Mike.

I'll help them all I can.

The only problem is
they're both so young.

All right, so they
get an early start.

'Course I'm not made of money,

but I can finance
them for a while.

A little while.

I had a daughter once.

She was only 19 when she married
a big jug head named Douglas.

Yeah, and you fought
it every step of the way.

I'll say I did.

Having babies nowadays
is pretty expensive.

One right after the other.

But I was 21 years
old, and I had a job.

Don't forget that. Mm-hmm.

Mike's probably smarter
at 18 than you were at 21.

When my life savings are gone,

I suppose I can get a
loan, if I still have my job.

We better start cleaning up.

Oh, let's not lose this.

Ah, when Mr. Clark hears how
we went through the whole bit

at the Marriage License
Bureau just to get background

for this project, he will flip.

Well, Henry, we
might as well face it.

We're in-laws.

Yeah, we are.

By pooling our resources,
Steve, we might just make it.

Good. Let's get
out of here, huh?

Oh, how I hate to
break this to Florence.

She's gonna have to
know sooner or later, Henry.

Yeah, I'd rather
it would be later.

Why don't you come in
and have a cup of coffee?

Good idea. Anyway...

I never know what to
do when she starts to cry.

I'll tell you what you do...
Why don't you call her?

It might be easier to
tell her over the phone.

I'll get the coffee going.

Well, I guess
there's nothing to do

but wait till we hear
from the honeymooners.

Not going to be
easy on Florence.

I think I'll just sit
down here for a minute.

I'll get the phone
for you, Henry.

Well, marriage or no marriage,

I'm going to get that hot shower

and get out of these clothes.

Want me to dial for you?

I know it's silly to ask
at a time like this, Bub,

but have I got any
clean shirts upstairs?

There's a drawer
full of them up there

that I ironed last night.

Hi, Dad! Welcome home!

Hi. We saw you
pull in the driveway.

Mike!

What are you two doing here?

Working on our
sociology project.

Sociology?

Yeah. Come on in and see it.

"The Case Against
Teenage Marriages"?

Against it?

Yeah, we've been
studying it in class.

Boy, have we
worked on this project.

We've been down to City Hall,

talked to a judge
and everything.

Uh, uh, no, dear, we
haven't found them yet,

but-but Florence...

But... But... Florence...

I know she's your
only daughter, dear.

But she's mine, too.

And we stood in line, and
went through the whole bit,

and there it is!

Well, I'll be darned.

Refused, huh?

Right. So it isn't true
what the newspapers say,

that just anyone can
get a marriage license.

Think of the money
we've saved this way.

A wedding like that
would cost $2,000.

I think we've
proved a lot of things

with this project,
don't you, Dad?

Yes, you have.

You've proved a lot of things.

This is real college-level
thinking, Mike.

I'm proud of both of you.

I wish you'd remind me
to show Chip the difference

between a briefcase
and a suitcase.

And I'd still like
to find out what...

Uh, never mind, Bub.

Now, if you'll all excuse me,

I think I'll go up and lie down.

I'm a little tired.

It must be from all the jumping

I've been doing today.

Jumping?

Yes, uh, to conclusions.

Aren't you a little tired, too?

Well, come to think
of it, I am, yeah.

Robbie, where are you going?

Don't worry, Dad.

Sooner or later, a man's
got to stand on his own.

Hey, Robbie?

You forgot this.

Thanks.

Hi, Dad.

Hi, Chip.

Well, so long.

Can't keep the ladies waiting.

On his own?

Steve, I...

But... But Florence,

if we buy them a new car...
- Chip?

We haven't saved
the money. Chip?!

Florence, you know I can't
stand to hear a woman cry.