My Three Sons (1960–1972): Season 1, Episode 10 - Lonesome George - full transcript

Lonesome George Gobel is in town for a benefit and escapes to the Douglas household for some "quiet" time.

(theme song plays)

Boy, when I get rich and famous,

you know the first
thing I'm going to do?

Wipe. That's a towel in
your hand, not a blotter.

What's the first thing
you're going to do?

The first thing I'm
going to do is hire a guy

just to follow me around
and do my chores for me.

Why hire somebody?

I thought that was my job.

Big shots always have
people around, don't they?

Yeah, I knew a movie star once



who hired a stooge just
to scratch matches on.

I'll bet they even have
people just to shave them.

Yeah, they call them barbers.

Wow!

I don't know why they
call him Lonesome George.

Look at this, Robbie.

I'd like to be lonesome
like that. Yeah.

Looks like everybody's
going swimming but him.

BUB: What you got there?

Picture of George Gobel.

Do you know him?

Do I know him?

Good old Lonesome George.

Who's George Gobel?



You mean, you really know
George Gobel personally?

Yes, I really mean I know
George Gobel personally.

Honest? "Honest?"

What kind of a crack is that?

Well, you know what
Fizzy McNaulty says.

Oh, no, you don't
have to tell him that.

Nobody ever believes Fizzy.

All right, what does
"Fizzy McNaulty says"?

He doesn't really believe

that you were ever
in show business,

that you really know these guys.

Oh, he doesn't, does he?

Well, you ask him if he
ever heard of Jack Benny?

You know Jack Benny?

Who's Jack Benny?

When I was stage manager
at the Royal Theater

in Evansburg, he used to come up

to the house and
see me every night.

CHIP: Who's Jack Benny?

ROBBIE: I bet you
don't know George Gobel

well enough to invite
him out to the house.

I'll bet I do.

Who's George Gobel?

Boy, are we in luck.

"Luck"? Bub, who's George Gobel?

Well, sure. He's
in town tonight.

Look, "Welcome Lonesome George."

He is? Who's George Gobel?

He's on TV too late for you,

but Bub's going to bring
him right out to the house.

How about that? A
television personality.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Your, your dad isn't even home.

And he won't be
for two or three days.

Here it comes.

And I just don't
think it's right to have

a bunch of movie stars
cluttering up the house

while Steve's away.

See? I knew he'd back out.

I'm not backing out. Oh,
no, that's all right, Bub.

It's all right. It's okay.

Boy, will I ever take a
beating from Fizzy McNaulty.

I don't even know what
hotel he's stopping at.

The Grand Hotel.
I'll get the car keys.

I'm in the garage!
Wait a minute!

Wait a minute! (door closes)

Michael O'Casey, you let
those mugs mousetrap you again.

(bell chimes)

(indistinct chatter)

Oh, I got his address.

Oh!

Mr. Gobel?

Ken Munroe,

public relations
VP for the hotel.

Production coordinator in charge
of the benefit tomorrow night.

Can I do anything for you
between now and showtime?

Well, uh... no.

No, I'm just, uh...
(elevator bell dings)

I'm just going to do the
show tomorrow night.

Oh, then you have
no other plans?

Uh, no, not really. Well,
then I'm sure you won't mind

if we filled in some
of your time for you.

I know how boring it
is with nothing to do

in a strange town.

First there's an interview
for the local paper.

I'm afraid that's a must.

Oh... well, I'd kind of
planned on taking in a movie.

Oh, that would conflict
with the Lenny Penny Show.

It would?

It's a local radio show

that originates live
from our lounge.

It's ad-libbed interviews,
that sort of thing.

You'll love Lenny and Penny.

Actually, their names
are Fred and Irma,

but you know show business.

Oh, yeah, I know show business.

I know, that is, I thought
I knew show business,

but now I don't know, uh...

Oh, then tomorrow
morning, I've, uh, set up

an appointment
at 9:00 for pictures,

George Gobel signing
at the Grand Hotel,

George Gobel enjoying a
delicious turkey sandwich

at the popular Purple Room

of the Grand Hotel.
"Purple Room"?

Oh, now, mustn't keep
the press waiting. No.

Oh, after the interview,

I'd like you to meet
my mother-in-law

and a few of her friends.

Great gals. You'll
get a kick out of them.

A million laughs.

Oh, Keith, Keith Dinsmore.

How do you do,
Keith? Glad to see you.

Keith, I don't have
to tell you who this is.

No, how do you do, Mr. Gobel?

Okay, Keith, you can shoot.

We haven't got much time.

Mr. Gobel is terribly busy.

And he'll be appearing tonight

on the Lenny Penny
Show which originates live

from the sumptuous Starlet
Room of the Grand Hotel.

Are you going to
stay long, Mr. Gobel?

No. Mr. Gobel will
be checking out

after tomorrow night's show.

Any of your family
with you, Mr. Gobel?

No, he's alone this time.

How many children do you have?

Mr. Gobel and his Alice have

three children:
two boys and a girl.

Oh, I see.

Fine, what are their names?

Oh, no, no, uh... No,
two girls and a boy.

That's right. Yeah, he's right.

Do you happen to have

a family picture
with you, Mr. Gobel?

Yes, as a matter of
fact I do. I just, uh,

uh... Why don't you
just show him yours?

Yours is probably a
later shot, anyway?

Oh, well, this must be Greg.

Yes, and this would be Alice.

Now the two girls...
Pete! Pete Lawrence.

How are you, Pete?

How are you getting
along in your work?

I wasn't quite sure
you'd remember me.

Old Pete worried about
me not knowing him.

Come on up to the
house, will you, George?

I would love to come
up to the house. Good.

Let's call your wife
first, so she... My wife?

Yeah, your wife. My wife?

Mr. Gobel, I haven't
got the girls' names.

I haven't got the girls' names.

(overlapping chatter)

before the show begins.

Could you hold that, please?

I'm sorry, buddy.

You must think I'm
completely unglued.

No, but you must have
an awful good reason

for making this phone call.

No, it's not that.

It's that big joker out there.

He's got me on exhibit. Oh.

I feel like a... like
an animal in the zoo.

Look, buddy,
I-I'm sorry I got you

into this whole thing,
but I'll tell you what.

If you'll just go along with
me for a few minutes see,

till we get outside, then
I can go to my movie,

and you can go on your way.

Well, Mother Spencer, you
wanted to see George Gobel.

There he is.

MOTHER SPENCER: Kenneth, this is
no better than watching him on television.

WOMAN: It's worse!

There's no sound.

Do you think you should
call the fire department

or something?

MUNROE: Mr. Gobel? Mr. Gobel!

WOMAN #3: My, his
eyes are set close together.

WOMAN #2: And
such a low forehead.

Poor thing has a
button off his sleeve.

Oh, you're going
to like the boys.

Oh, I know I will,
but just remember,

treat me like one of the family.

I don't want anything
special for me.

No, don't you worry.
You're going to have to fight

just as hard for your
food as anybody else.

(indistinct chatter)

You ready? Ready.

Geronimo.

(all clamoring)

MAN: Where'd he go?
MAN #2: Where'd he go?

That was fine blocking.

Yeah, we've got to run for it.

Oh, here you are.

Just a minute!

Just don't stare at him

like he was some
animal in a zoo.

Who's George Gobel?

Make him feel at home.

But don't talk to him.

How's he going to feel at
home if we don't talk to him?

Who's George Gobel?

Here he comes. Shh!

Now just act casual.

Robbie, stand over here and
wipe the smile off your face.

Stand up, Mike.

You get out of here.
Now get out of here.

The idea...

Oh, uh, you said I could
help myself to the clothes.

Oh, good evening, George.

Oh, good evening, Mr. Gobel.

Howdy, Mr. Gobel.

Good evening, Mr. Gobble.

Gobel. Gobel.

Uh, good evening, gentlemen.

I forgot, uh... would
you excuse me?

Uh, I mean, excuse me.

Come on now. Just
relax, be natural.

BUB: You're all nice kids,

and he'll like you.

Oh, there you are, George.

I want you to meet the boys.

These are my three grandsons:

Mike, Robbie and Chip.

Chip. Mike.

Oh, uh, Chip?

Robbie.

Chip. Chip.

Hi, Chip.

Now, I want you to just,
you know, be natural.

You know, no, nothing
fancy or anything like that.

Just go on about your business

as though I weren't even here.

Now, you see, fellas, Mr. Gobel

doesn't want you to bother him.

No, no, I mean, uh...

I just want everybody to relax.

Right. So you see,
you fellas can, uh,

stand around wherever you like.

George, you can sit right
here in the living room.

Why, thank you.

You can read the
paper, if you like.

Oh, excuse me.

(Bub clears throat)

(boys clamoring)

Hold it now, fellas, hold it.

One at a time. Mike.

How'd you get into show
business, Mr. Gobel?

BUB: Singing on the radio.

That's where I met him.

After that, he
drifted into nightclubs

and television and pictures.

Robbie?

Is your wife an actress?

Her name is Alice, and
she's not in the business.

They've got three kids:

two girls and a boy.

Chip?

Well, come on, don't
keep Mr. Gobel waiting.

Are you on TV?

BUB: Why, of course he's on TV.

CHIP: I mean, have you
ever been on Disneyland?

(chuckling): No, I'm afraid not.

Well, come on,
fellas, we can't pester

Mr. Gobel any
longer; I'm afraid he's

getting tired. No,
no, that's all right.

It doesn't bother me at all.

See what a good sport he is?

Well, it's time for these
lads to be in bed, George.

Now, come on,
upstairs all of you.

Come on. It's way
after your bedtime, Chip.

Good night, Mr. Gobel.
Good night, Mr. Gobel.

Upstairs, away you
go. Good night, fellas.

If you want to raid the
refrigerator, George,

that's what it's
there for. Okay.

And here's a clean pair
of Steve's pajamas for you.

Okay. Thank you.

See you in the
morning. Good night.

Good night.

Go on to bed, all of you now!

Hurry up! Big day tomorrow.

What do you do on TV?

Oh, I sing a little
bit and play guitar

and tell some
funny little stories.

Will you tell me one?

Yeah, I think I
can think of one.

Let's see now...

BUB: Come on, you guys,
hit the sack. On the double!

Once upon a time, there
was a, a wandering troubadour,

and he visited a certain castle

to entertain the townspeople.

And at the same castle there
was an evil sorcerer named Munroe.

And you know what
he was going to do?

Throw him to the alligators?

Worse than that.

He was going to lock
him in the Purple Room

with Lenny and Penny.

And you know what
else he was going to do?

What? He was going to feed him

to Mother Spencer and
her evil handmaidens.

Jeepers, what did he do?

Well, fortunately, and
as luck would have it,

a friendly woodman happened
by and spirited him away

to his cottage in
a forest clearing.

And just as the
troubadour got to figuring

that he was going to
live happily ever after,

who do you think the
woodman turned into?

Munroe.

That's exactly right.

BUB: Chip?

Storming into the
room, he said...

I thought I told you to go
to bed... now get going.

But, Bub, I want to talk
to Mr. Gobel. Said Chip.

Now, look here, Chip.

Said Munroe,
flaring his nostrils.

Didn't I tell you not
to pester Mr. Gobel?

But, Bub... He protested.

Please? He pleaded.

No, now get to bed.

Get to bed!

Rushing to the rescue,
the troubadour said...

I'm sorry about that, George,

but it won't happen again.

Interrupted the villain.

And then, snatching
the little boy by the arm,

he swept him up the
staircase into his cell.

CHIP: Good night, Mr. Gobel.

Echoed the child's
pathetic little voice

from the emptiness above.

The troubadour sighed.

(sighs)

And ever after that,
he was known as...

Lonesome George.

Well, it sure beats being
all alone in the hotel room.

(sighs)

(bed creaking)

♪ ♪

(glass clanging)

(door opening)

Huh... funny Bub
left the light on.

Man, that bed's
going to feel good.

(footsteps)

Every time I go out of town,
the place has gone to pot.

Somebody could at
least make my bed.

I have to come down
and get clean pajamas.

Lights on all over the house.

Milk left out.

(sniffs)

Well, that's what I get

for not telling them I
was coming home early.

(footsteps)

(footsteps)

(footsteps)

(footsteps)

(footsteps)

(footsteps)

(sighs)

Bub, you're the one

that's been wandering
around all night long.

I thought I was coming unglued.

Now, look, Robbie, for
the last time, get to bed.

I'm not Robbie, I'm George.

Now, don't give me that.

You didn't have
to come down here

for a glass of water.

It's George, Bub.

No excuse, no excuse.

You're not the only one
in this house, you know?

Every time your
father leaves town,

you fellas try to get
away with murder.

I don't know what
to do with you.

I've got to figure
out something...

Good night, Bub.

Imagine that, he's walking
and talking in his sleep.

That's pretty good.

Maybe now I can
get a little shut-eye.

Try up again.

Taking both of them.

Bed.

(footsteps)

(footsteps)

I don't know why they
can't turn these lights out.

(sighs)

Never put a cap back on.

(brushing, water running)

(Steve clearing throat)

(Steve gargling)

Oh.

Thought I left the light on.

Guess I didn't.

Now, they weren't
there when I looked

for them a minute ago.

Ah, maybe they were.

(sighs)

(sighs)

(sighs loudly)

I don't believe we've met.

(water running)

GOBEL: Well, I'll tell
you, this beats staying

at the fabulous Grand Hotel.

This is really living.

You know, you have to
fight for everything you get.

Hey, Steve, old
buddy, I'm sure glad

you straightened your family out

on the care and feeding
of television performers.

Did you know they were
going to serve me eggs Benedict

in bed this morning?

That would've
been pretty sloppy.

I'm not a breakfast-in-bedder.

I'm a fighter-
over-the-kitchen-tabler.

You know, and
that flipping the coin

for the bed last night,

that was a pretty
shrewd move, too, there.

That way, we each got a
bed for ourselves. (chuckles)

You know, Chip's bed
is pretty comfortable

once you get used
to the rock collection

and all the marbles.

Well, I'll be doggoned.

This is the way me and Alice

had our wedding picture taken.

(Steve chuckles)

Only, I wasn't all lathered up.

She wasn't, neither.

And it was before you had
even entered the picture.

Mike, I warned you
to get out of there.

Now I'm going to blast you!

MIKE: Robbie...
(trumpet playing)

Robbie, hey, knock it off!

Who do you think
you are, Miles Davis?

BUB: Will you
stop tooting that?!

Boy, this is really
living, you know it?

Just like home.

My goodness, Steve,
this place looks...

(trumpet playing resumes)

Cut it out!

Mike, get out, will you?

What have you been doing,

making mud pies up here?

It looks like a pigsty!

Get him, Mike!