My Three Sons (1960–1972): Season 1, Episode 1 - Chip Off the Old Block - full transcript

Steve Douglas (Fred MacMurray) and his youngest son, Chip (Stanley Livingston), are caught in the snares of designing women (Patricia Barry and Debbie Megowan), respectively.

Somebody answer the door!

Hey, Chip, Dad wants
you to answer the door.

Oh, yeah. Where are the Azores?

Hey, get the door!

If it's Jean, tell her
I'll be right down.

Come on in, Tramp.

Hi. Hi.

Is, uh... Is this the
Douglas residence?

Yes, sir.

Well, is the lady
of the house in?

Bub, somebody wants to see you!



Cook the dinner,
clean the house,

wash the dishes,
answer the door.

I don't know what
they'd do around here...

Madam, I know
you're simply going to...

Oh, I'm terribly sorry, sir.

Oh, that's all right.

Happens all the time.

What you peddling?

Well, uh, cosmetics.

Oh, boy!

Have you got the wrong house!

Oh?

I'm the nearest thing
to a lady around here.

Come back when
somebody's married.



Yes, I'll-I'll do that, sir.

That'll be that.

Bub, I can only
find one black sock.

I just wash 'em, I
don't pair 'em up.

Hey, Robbie, you have any

of my black socks in your room?

I don't know. I just wear 'em.

I don't check the colors.

Thanks a lot.

Dad, where are the Azores?

They're probably right
where you threw 'em.

Is "in the ocean some
place" a good enough answer?

Well, that's a
good start, but, uh...

Here, why don't you
take a look and see

if they aren't still around
Portugal somewhere.

Hey, that's mine. I got it.

I got it. That's mine.

I've got it, Robbie.

Give me the phone...

I've got it now. I've got it.

That was for me.

Hey, does it have to
be two falls out of three

every time the phone
rings around here?

Your grandfather's
right. I'll take it.

I'm expecting a call, Dad.

Well, so am I.

Hello.

Who?

Yes, he's here.

I told you it was for me.

No, it's for me. It's for Chip.

Chip? Chip?

Me?

It's a girl.

Jeepers, does
everybody have to look?

Hello.

Where'd you get my phone number?

And what do you want?

Chip!

We're supposed to study
from page 11 to page 13.

Good-bye.

Hey, Chip, who's
your girlfriend?

She's not my girlfriend!

Are you engaged yet?

You know what you
are, Robbie Douglas?

You're a great big dumb.

You don't have to get sore.

We're only kidding.

Sure we are, Chip.

When are you getting engaged?

Hey!

Really wants to fight.

Chip, come on. Look out,
you're gonna tear his shirt.

Now, stop it. Jeepers,
maybe he is engaged.

I said knock it off,
Robbie. Yeah...

My shirt. Now, stop
it. That's enough.

Well, jeepers,
tell him to quit it.

That dumb girl.

Chip, why don't we go out

and give Bub a hand
with the dishes, huh?

You great big dumb.

What surprises me,
Robbie, is how a guy

with feet as big as yours
keeps putting them in his mouth.

Well, let's see.

You dry.

Okay.

Wait a minute.

Chip, uh, who was the
girl on the phone just now?

Nobody. What do you mean nobody?

She must have a name.

That dumb Dorine Peters.

Dorine Peters, huh?

You were sort of rude
to her on the phone.

What's the matter?
Don't you like her?

If she were a bug,

it sure would be
fun to step on her.

What did she do, beat
you out of something,

or throw you out at
first base, or what?

Worse than that.

She-She hangs
around all the time.

Makes goof eyes at me.

Goof eyes?

Yeah, every time I turn around,
she's looking straight at me

with her clunky old eyes.

How do you mean?

Like this.

Goof eyes.

Well, Chip, I think you
ought to feel flattered.

Sounds like this girl
has a crush on you.

No, she hasn't.

She's in love with me.

She say that?

Sure, she tells everybody.

Last Valentines Day,

everybody gave each
other a nickel valentine,

and she gave me a 50 cent one.

Hmm. Greater love hath no woman.

Huh?

Oh, nothing.

I can see you have
a problem, Chip.

You probably get embarrassed
when she does these things

in front of your friends, hmm?

The guys call me
Hot Lips Douglas.

Hot Lips Douglas?

Well, I don't think
this is any reason

to be unkind to Dorine.

Yeah, but who
wants to get married

in the second grade?

Oh, she wants to
get married, huh?

Sure. If I hadn't kicked her
in the knee a couple times,

we would have been
married in the first grade.

Oh.

Mr. and Mrs. Peters
announce the marriage

of their daughter Goof
Eyes to Hot Lips Douglas.

Well, I can understand you
not wanting to get married,

uh, Chip, at least
for a year or two.

So, if you want to avoid
her, and I gather you do,

why, do it in a way that...

well, so you don't hurt
her feelings, you know?

I mean, I wouldn't
do any more of this,

uh, kicking her in the knee.

But jeepers, I wouldn't care...

Chip, what is a gentleman?

A kind man, Dad.

That's right, and do you think

you're being kind
to Dorine Peters?

I get sick to my stomach
just when you say her name.

Now, look, Chip, why don't
you try being patient with Dorine?

At least for a little while.

She'll get over this. When?

Well, I couldn't tell
you exactly, but she will.

How about giving it a try?

Well... okay.

Good.

You'll just have to
remember, Chip, that, uh,

we handsome Dougla"
are always going

to have this little problem.

Yeah.

It's a real drag, isn't it?

Hey, Bub, don't go out there.

Well, how am I gonna get
the paper, with a sky hook?

If you go out there,
she'll ask you if I'm home,

and you'll have to say yes,

and I'll have to go out
there and talk to her.

Who? That dumb Dorine Peters.

Well, now, what's
wrong with her?

She-She looks pretty cute to me.

Boy, have you got busted eyes.

Yeah? Well, when it
comes to looking at women,

my eyes are as good as...

Uh-oh. The cat's
out the bag now.

Your father's home.

Is he talking to her?

Okay, Hal. See you tonight.

Thanks for the ride.

Hello there.

Hello. Are you Chip's father?

Yes, I am.

How do you do?

I'm Dorine Peters.

Oh, yes, I've heard about you.

How are you, Dorine?

I've been to the store.

Yes, I see you have.

Will you tell Chip to come
out here for a minute?

I'd holler, only
it isn't ladylike.

Well, Dorine, I'm, uh...

I'm not sure whether
Chip is home or not.

Yes, he is.

He keeps peeking out the window.

Oh, he does.

Well, in that case, I'll,
uh, get him right away.

Thank you.

Come back here, you coward.

Jeepers, Bub, Dad'll
make me go out there.

Chip, you better go out
there and talk to Dorine.

See? Do I have to,
Dad? Yes, you have to.

She seems like a
very nice little girl.

And she saw you
peeking out the window,

so you go out there
and see what she wants.

She never wants anything.

All she ever does is make...

Chip. I'm going.

And don't forget your promise.

You be sure and say
something nice to her.

That's using the
old child psychology.

Oh, sure. You tell them
what to do, and they do it.

That didn't take long.

You're sure you said
something nice to her?

Sure.

Like what, for instance?

I told her she had

a swell-looking
bag of groceries.

At least he didn't
kick her in the knee.

Chip, this is the last thing

I'm going to say to you

on the subject of Dorine.

If she comes up
to you at school,

or if she calls you on the
phone, you be nice to her.

And if she comes over here,
you go out and talk to her,

and none of this "swell-looking
bag of groceries" stuff.

But jeepers.

Okay, Dad.

Have I the Douglas word on it?

Okay.

Come and get it!

Let me see.

Those aren't hands.

That's a bacteria farm.

How come Dad isn't here?

Well, he's having dinner
with Hal and Nancy Mosby.

Are they still trying
to find him a wife?

Yeah, and he's the kind of a
guy that hates to be trapped.

He'll be a bachelor
for quite a while yet.

What's a bachelor?

That's a man who
thinks before he acts.

And then doesn't act.

Hello, Steve. Good evening, Hal.

Hi. Take your hat.

Hi.

Hi, Nancy.

Steve? Mm.

This is Pamela MacLish.

Hi.

Pam, this is Steve Douglas.

Hello, Steve.

Hello, Pam.

I've heard many
nice things about you.

Well, thank you.

Well, shall we go in?

Uh-huh.

Douglas... that's,
uh, Scottish, isn't it?

Well, about as
Scottish as they come.

MacLish certainly is.

Certainly is.

Well, what do you know.

That gives us
something in common.

Yeah, what do you know.

Hi, Dad.

Hello, Chip. Hello, Dorine.

Hello, Mr. Douglas.

Your son and I are
having a little talk.

Yeah, well, so long, Dorine.

Oh, that's all right, Chip.

You can stay out for a while.

Gee... your father
sure is handsome.

Yeah, that's a problem
us Douglas' have got.

Hello.

Well, just a minute.

It's that dame
you met last night.

Want me to unload her?

Oh.

I'll talk to her.

Hello, Pam.

Hello, Steve.

Look, I, uh...

Well-Well, I don't usually
call men up, but, uh...

well, sometimes a girl just
gets in the mood to cook a meal.

Well, the refrigerator's
just bulging

with all the essentials, so,

why don't we include you?

Well... Dad?

Oh, pardon me, Pam. Yes, Chip?

I've been polite to
her for a long time now,

and I'm getting a
headache from it.

All right, you've done fine.

Go on home, Dorine!

Chip.

I-I'm sorry. We're
having a little trouble

with our diplomacy around here.

Yes, it is kind of short notice,
but that's all right, except,

uh, well, I'm not sure what Bub
has planned for dinner tonight.

Well, it-it was just a thought.

I'm not having anything fancy.

Well... Are you going out?

I don't know.

Why don't you find
out, then call me back?

Well, no, no, I didn't
mean I don't know. I...

What about my
dinner? It'll be all right.

Good.

Shall we say about 7:30 then?

Well, when I said
it'd be all right, I...

I-I meant it'll be fine.

7:30.

Fine. Good-bye, Pam.

But I made goulash and noodles.

Well, it won't go to
waste, you know that.

The kids'll eat it.

Mm. That's like pouring
it down three manholes.

Well, I couldn't
very well get out of it.

You heard how it
happened. I got trapped.

Yeah, by a real expert.
Oh, come on, now.

I'm sure the only thing
she has on her mind

is cooking dinner
for a few friends.

That's what they said
about Lucrezia Borgia.

The next time I plan
a meal around here,

I'm gonna throw it
out in the first place.

Boy, he's really sore.

No, he's not really sore, Chip.

Your granddad's quite a guy.

If you're not poisoned
by the time you get home,

you might find a hunk of my
pecan layer cake in the icebox.

Hi.

Hello, Pam. Come on in.

Thank you.

Well, it's nice to see you.

Nice to see you.
Can I take your hat?

Oh, uh, I hope you
brought your appetite.

Oh, I brought it. Good.

Uh-oh.

Goof eyes.

Am I early?

No, no, you're right on time.

Well, then the
others are late, huh?

Others?

Well, I somehow
had the impression

there were gonna
be other people.

Oh, well, I, I
guess I ought to be

more careful how
I phrase things.

Was that your father-in-law

who answered the
phone when I called you?

Yes. Yes, it was.

Did I hear you call him Bub?

Oh, Mike started
that when he was little.

Every time he'd
try to say grandpa,

it came out Bub, and...

well, we've called
him Bub ever since.

How long has it been,

how long have you
been a widower?

Six years.

That's a long time.

Yes, I guess it is.

That's a nice view you have.

Yes, that's why I
took this apartment,

the view.

Isn't that the gas
company on the left?

To me, they're
just lovely lights.

I hope you like candlelight.

Oh, sure.

Comes in handy in
case of a power failure.

Sit down, Steve.

Well, to us.

Now, what shall we talk about?

Well, uh...

how about, uh,
baseball for starters.

Hi there, Bub.

Oh, boy, you sure
slept late today, huh?

Well, that's what
Saturday's for.

Big party last night?

No, I misunderstood some way

and it ended up
just the two of us.

Dinner at her apartment

and then we went to a
movie and then I came home.

Just the two of you, huh?

Suppose you ate by candlelight?

Yeah, as a matter
of fact, we did.

Soft music?

Well, it wasn't too loud.

I noticed you didn't eat any

of my pecan layer cake when
you came home last night.

Lucrezia must be
a pretty good cook.

Yeah, she's a
pretty good, in fact.

Oh, of course not half
as good as you, Bub.

And her name's not
Lacertian, it's Dorine.

I, I mean Pamela.

What'd you have?

You know it was so
dark, I don't remember.

How about dessert?

Uh, no thanks, Bub,
not for breakfast.

I mean last night.

Oh.

Gee, you know,
I've-I've forgotten.

I barely tasted it.

Well, candlelight, soft music,

that sounds kind of romantic.

What album did she play?

Something to trap a husband by?

Look, Bub,

I think I'm old enough to know
when a woman is trying to, uh,

as you say, trap
me into marriage,

and you know
something, you're right.

I think maybe she was.

So there won't be
anymore candlelight dinners

with Pamela MacLish.

Dad? Hmm?

When the letter says
"Master Chip Douglas",

does that mean it's for me?

Sure, it's for you.

Here, I'll open it for you.

If it's from school,

I knocked Charles Terry into
the drinking fountain by accident.

You did.

Oh, no, it's a,
it's an invitation.

It says your presence is desired
as partner to Miss Dorine Peters

at the Pre Junior Teen
Dance and so forth,

uh, signed by Dorine's mother.

I don't want to go.

Of course you want to go.

Here look, it says they're
gonna have refreshments

and an orchestra and everything.

Can't I go alone?

Well, almost.

You might have to dance a
couple of dances with Dorine.

I won't dance with
that clunky girl!

I don't know how to dance.

And I'm not gonna
learn, neither.

You can hit me and
throw rocks at me

and cut my ears off

and throw me down a
well and I still won't learn.

One two three, one two
three, that's pretty good.

Come on, Chip. Relax.

One two three, one two three.
Which one is Katherine Murray?

You be quiet!

Don't bother us now, Robbie,

he's still got the
bunny hop to learn.

Hey, fellas, would you
mind holding it down a little.

And, Mike, I told you
to get off that phone.

Somebody just might
want to call us, you know.

Oh, Rosanna.

Boy, you sure have been
a sorehead lately, Chip.

Lay off, will ya, this
guy's got a lot on his mind.

And answer the door.

Come in!

I could have done that.

Dad's trying to rest, dummy.

Yeah, yeah, Dad was pretty mad.

Hi!

Oh.

How do?

I'm Pamela MacLish.

I, uh,

I just brought something
for Mr. Douglas.

Oh, thank you. No,
no, for goodness sakes,

a fella tries to take
a... Oh, Pamela.

Hi, Steve.

I, uh, I was just
taking a, uh...

Have you met the family?

Well, no. I...

That's, uh, the boys'
grandfather, Bub,

this is Pamela MacLish and...

How do you do?

Hello, Bub.

And that, Robbie, I mean,
uh, Chip, the little one there.

Hi. You need a haircut.

Oh, come on,
you're putting me on.

And there's Mike.

Uh, Mike.

What?

Oh.

Get up. We have company.

And then Robbie.

How do you do?

Stuff your shirt in.

Won't you sit down?

Get off there, Tramp!

I can only stay a minute.

I'm sorry about the
way the house looks.

It doesn't always
look like this.

Oh, it has a nice lived-in look.

That's the way it should be.

Steve? Hmm?

You remember how much you said

you liked my cake
last night? Oh, yes.

Did I?

You not only said it,
you ate three big pieces.

Three.

So, I thought maybe the boys

might like to share it with you.

That sounds good.

What kind is it?

Pecan layer.

Here, Bub, you take it.

I'm sure you'll know
what to do with it.

Uh, Mike,

take this out to the
kitchen, will you?

It was very nice of
you, Pamela, thank you.

Well, that's, that's
all I came for.

Oh, Chip, didn't I
see you dancing

when I came in just
a few minutes ago?

Yeah, I gotta go
to a stupid dance

with a clunky girl. Yeah,
a week from tonight,

Chip is going to his first dance

with a charming young girl.

And I'd sure rather go alone.

Well, you've got
to have a partner,

doesn't he, Pamela?
Of course he does.

Hey, why don't you come along,
so Dad will have a partner, too?

Is that an invitation?

Sure, huh, Dad? Well, sure.

But, uh, well, maybe
she has something else

planned for that night? No,

no, as a matter of fact, I
don't have a thing planned.

I'd love to.

Hey, it worked out pretty good.

If you weren't coming along,

Dad would have to stay in the
car and listen to the ballgame.

Yeah!

♪ ♪

One two, one two,
one two, one two,

left foot, right
foot, turn around.

Aren't they adorable?

Yes.

How did the first dance go?

Wonderful.

Is it time to go home yet, Dad?

Well, not quite yet, Chip.

Dorine, would you like to go
with me and comb our hair?

All right.

Don't you go away, Chip.

I don't want to
miss a single dance.

We'll be right back.

Come on.

That lady makes goof
eyes at you, too, huh, Dad?

Yes, she does sort of.

If she was a bug,
would you step on her?

Well, let's put it
this way, Chip, uh,

if anybody's going to
be making goof eyes,

I, I want to be
the one to do it.

But you have to be
kind to her, don't you?

Well, yes.

Because you're a gentleman?

That's right, Chip.

Dad, is it being kind to someone

to pretend you like
them when you don't?

No, I don't suppose it is, Chip.

Don't you think we ought
to do something about it?

Yes, I guess maybe we ought to,

but, uh, we'll have
to do it diplomatically.

Swell, when they get back,
let's kick them both in the knee

and go to a baseball game.

That isn't exactly
what I meant, uh,

well, as you said, we
have to do it like gentleman.

I mean, uh, well, so we
don't hurt their feelings,

okay? Okay.

Okay.

It's sort of fun being in the
same kind of trouble together,

ain't it?

Uh, isn't it.

Forgot my key.

This nightlife's a
little too much for him.

How'd it go tonight? Oh, fine.

You two gonna double date again?

Uh-uh. Oh, you're awake.

Hey, I'm gonna put you down.
You're getting heavy, man.

Dad and me got rid of
Dorine and that lady for good.

Shootin' or drownin'?

No, just talkin'

and decided we ought to do
something about the situation.

How do you go about
unloading women?

In case I should ever
have the problem.

It's real easy.

All you have to say is,
"Thanks for the dance.

"I'm sorry I can't
see you anymore,

'cause I think you
gave me a rash."

Is that what you said to Dorine?

Sure, you said to be polite.

You did great right
up to the word "rash."

How'd you get
rid of that Pamela?

Would you believe it, uh, Bub,

they had a seven piece orchestra

for just the little kids.

Well, what'd you say to her?

As a matter of
fact, it was eight, uh,

counting the leader.
Mm-hmm. Mmm.

Chip, looks like you're the only
one that got rid of any women.

Uh-uh, Dad told
her, didn't you, Dad?

Well...

well, the opportunity
just didn't come up.

Jeepers, you mean
you didn't tell her?

No, but I will, Chip.

Sure, he will, Chip.

Well, I said I would, didn't I?

As a matter of fact, I've
already made an appointment

with her for that
express purpose.

When?

Come on, Chip.

When?

7:30 Friday night.

Is she gonna cook for you?

Good night, Chip.

Soft music?

Good night and
don't wake Robbie.

Candlelight?

Candlelight?

Candlelight?

Do you know what you are,
Michael Francis O'Casey?

You're a... you're
a great big dumb!