My Name Is Earl (2005–2009): Season 4, Episode 7 - Quit Your Snitchin' - full transcript

Wakey, wakey,
two days till my birthday cakey.

Sleepy, sleepy,
please shut up-y.

- Did you get me a present yet?
- Randy.

Randy. Yeah, I'm glad
you brought that up.

Since I'm gonna be a little older
in a few days...

I'd like you to start callin' me
by my proper name- Randolph.

- Your name's Randall.
- It is?

Is that even a real name?

I mean, Randolph's a name
I've actually heard before...

like Randolph Hitler.

Randall sounds so weird.



I mean, Mom and Dad might as well
have named me Pork Chop-

Pork Chop Hickey.

Hey, I kind of like that.

- Earl, will you-
- No, I will not.

I'll just make it
my birthday wish then.

Randy, you can't say your wish,
or it won't come true.

Damn it!

Next year.

Good mornin', Earl.

Good mornin', Randy.

My name is Earl.

[Earl Narrating] I'd put a lot of thought
into Randy's birthday present this year...

and even though
it was two days early...

it wasn't the kind of thing
I could hide in the closet.



- Nice ride, Earl.
- Thanks.

- It's a birthday present for Randy.
- Wow.

This is nicer than your car.

I know he's your brother, but I'd like
to remind you that for my last birthday...

you gave me a mug that said
"Happy bat mitzvah."

I thought it meant
"Happy birthday" in Spanish.

Besides, it's not
just a birthday gift.

I'm crossin' somethin' off the list.

Number 213- never let Randy
have anything better than me.

[Earl Narrating] Our whole lives,
whenever me and Randy got stuff...

I always just took
the better thing for myself.

Randy, you'd look so cool
in this thing.

- # You can't always trust a woman #
- Whether it was stuff we stole-

Men wear these?

- # You can't always trust your best friend #
- Mm-hmm.

- or girls.
- Sorry, I'm saving myself for marriage.

I'm not.

Uh, this one's mine.

Uhh-

So, uh, do you want
to talk about the Lord?

All right.

Even when we moved into the motel.

Bad news, Randy.
Your side's got a big bloodstain on it.

Randy deserves to finally get somethin' better
than me, and he's always loved Rancheros.

They're his favorite
kind of car- and eggs.

## [Blues: Man Singing, Indistinct]

- Hey, Randy-
- Not now.

It's "Catch Your Own Lunch" Day.
He's pickin' himself an entr?e.

I bet this was more fun
when they were alive.

It's not my fault.
The water heats up under the lights.

The good news is you can eat the crab
right out of the prize slot.

I know it's two days early, but I got you
a birthday present- really cool one.

So, a parkin' space.
What made you think of that?

Well, uh, I know how you're
always jealous of handicapped people...

'cause they get their own spots.

I can't believe someone stole it.

[Earl Narrating] There was a reason I was
so surprised my car had been stolen.

In Camden County,
there were only two rules:

never snitch, and crooks
don't steal from other crooks.

- Earl?
- [Groans]

Earl!

Creepy Rodney?
What the hell, man?

I'm sorry, buddy.
I didn't know it was you.

- Man, I'm a jerk.
- No biggie.

When'd you start
workin' with the rock?

- What happened to your knife?
- Rocks are misdemeanors.

Good to know.

Come on, Joy.

I just want to know who's been
stealin' cars around town.

I'll tell you who's not stealin' cars-
that dipstick who carjacked me.

Found him sleepin' in the Brat.

Beat the snot out of him with that
Razor scooter I'd been ridin' around on.

Long story short, got the Brat back,
but the Razor scooter pulls to the left.

Look, I don't need to know who's not
rippin' off cars. I need to know who is.

Crap! Stole my bait.
Fish are too damned smart.

I'm gonna have to dumb 'em down.

Babe, you're underminin'
the spirit of the game.

This ain't the Olympics, Darnell.
It's a freakin' buffet.

Look, Earl, you were smart to come to me.
I am excellent at solvin' mysteries.

Forty-five minutes into CSI, I always know
what happened. So give me a little more info.

- The car was just stolen from
the parking lot five minutes ago.
- Was it a stick shift?

- No, automatic.
- Hmm. On the column or on the floor?

- Column. Why?
- You're looking for Clyde Fowler
and his little buddy Bed Bug.

H-How can you possibly know that?

Clyde and Bed Bug were in here this morning,
sayin' they were lookin' to steal a car.

Damn it, Darnell!
I was mind-freakin' him!

[Earl Narrating]
I went way back with Clyde and Bed Bug.

I knew 'em when they werejust Clyde
and Clyde's friend from out of town.

Earl Hickey.
Well, this is a blast from the past.

Hey, how's that hot wife of yours?

Didn't she run off with some black dude,
but you didn't do nothin'...

because you found Jesus
or his grocery list or somethin'?

I made a list of all the things
I've done wrong.

Was number one lettin' some black dude
steal your woman? [Laughing]

Yeah.
So, uh, anyway, fellas...

the reason I stopped by
is that Ranchero there.

- Ain't she a beauty?
- She sure is.

Here's the thing.
The car is mine.

- You're kiddin' me.
- Sorry.

I hate to bring you down off
what I'm sure was a real good stealin' high...

but I should probably just, you know,
take the car and get goin'.

Well, now-now-now, look.
l- I hate to bring you down...

from what must be a real good
"I found my car" high, but- [Clears Throat]

you're not gettin'
that Ranchero back.

What are you talkin' about, Clyde?
It's me.

- Guys like us have a rule.
- But you ain't guys like us no more.

You see, chief, nowadays
you fall more in the, uh...

civilian/victim
column of the ledger.

Look, I don't know what a ledger is,
but I've paid my dues.

And I'll be damned if you two losers
are gonna keep my car!

- [Barks, Growls]
- Well, I don't think Dubya likes your tone, Earl.

But we're reasonable people.

You can have the car back.

- For $1,500.
- [Laughing]

Hell, no!
I'm not buyin' it back.

We're takin' this problem
to Mr. Wallace.

[Earl Narrating] Mr. Wallace was Camden's
oldest, toughest and most respected criminal.

[Earl Narrating] Mr. Wallace was Camden's
oldest, toughest and most respected criminal.

So when two crooks had a beef,
they went to him.

He also worked part-time
as a crossing guard for the health insurance.

Hold it, boys, hold it.
I have a client.

Okay, I've heard enough.
Earl, you are no longer one of us.

You want the car back,
you'll have to pay.

- Pay? That's bullcrap!
- Hey, watch your language there!

And if you ever come to me again
with a problem this small...

I will shoot you in the face...

and splatter your brains all over
this crosswalk and everybody in it.

But not on you, sweetheart.

We wouldn't want to ruin
that pretty little dress. Hmm?

[Earl Narrating]
As soon as I paid up and got the car back...

I went straight over to the Crab Shack
to give Randy his present A.S.A.P.

I decided I wasn't gonna let those two dirtbags
ruin what was gonna be a great birthday.

Randy deserved this car,
no matter what thejudge said about his driving.

Didn't matter
how much it cost me.

The look on his face was gonna
make everything worth it.

Hmm.

- Uh, another parkin'space.
- Son of a bitch.

It's one thing not to be treated like
a fellow criminal, but stealin' my car twice?

Now they're treatin' me like a punk.

You are a punk,
sittin' here complainin' like a little bitch.

The old Earl would just get drunk,
go steal a city bus...

and drive it right
through their kitchen.

Of course, if you were the old Earl, they wouldn't
have stolen your car in the first place.

True dat.
Oh, what a tangled web we weave...

when first we practice
to make a stupid-ass list.

I hate to say it,
but if they're gonna treat me like a civilian...

I might have to act like one.

- [Bell Dinging]
- I might have to go to the police.

Earl, you can't snitch.
You know the order.

Regular people, fat people...

cops, Al-Qaeda...

stuff you squeeze out of a zit...

and then snitches.

Well, then I don't know what to do.
But I gotta get Randy's car back.

When did you move fat people
above Al Qaeda and stuff inside a zit?

Saw this thing on Dateline
about thyroids.

Broke my heart.

[Earl Narrating]
I was so mixed up, I went walkin'for hours.

Before I knew it,
I was near the police station.

But I still wasn't
prepared to go in.

I had to work out
all the pros and minuses.

Joy might be right about the code,
but Clyde and Bed Bug said themselves...

I'm not one of'em anymore.

But snitches
are the lowest of the low.

Do I want to be known as that?
No way.

But why do I care what a bunch
of lowlifes think of me? I don't.

Ah, I'm lyin'.
I do care.

But Randy deserves that car,
and I'm gonna make sure he gets it.

[Cooing]

Thank you.

[Earl Narrating] In the end, the most
important thing was gettin'Randy's car back.

So what choice did I have?

So you car's been stolen.
Man, that's the pits.

Well, sit down.
We'll fill out some forms.

By the way, there's coffee and a Bundt cake
in the break room if you're an emotional eater.

Guilty as charged, Your Honor.
[Chuckles]

Look, I was hopin' we could skip the forms,
and I'd just tell you who did this...

off the record, just between us,
and... you can go get my car.

You know who did it?
That's great.

Findin' out who did it is the part
of this job that I hate. Who was it?

Clyde Fowler and Bed Bug.

Wow, Earl.
I never pegged you for a snitch.

- I wasn't left with a lot of choices.
- [Hand Thuds]

- Well, you know what snitches get.
- Their tongues cut out?

No. You get to pick a prize
from our goody drawer.

We got anything you could want in here.
We got candy, trinkets, novelties.

- How about my self-respect?
- Sure. We got comic books,
pizza coupons, marijuana.

That's not supposed to be in here.

[Earl Narrating] I walked around for a while
hatin'the fact that I snitched...

but what was done was done.

At least it was all over.

Or maybe not.

I agree. It's probably got something
to do with you snitching.

Ooh! Earl, there's a present
in the sink...

from either a very large dog
or a very small man.

Well, Clyde's got one of each.

How the hell'd they
find out about this?

What are you lookin'at me for?
I'm a trained professional.

I would never compromise
the identity of a-

Check that. I did it.

Hey, Nichols, looks like the contest
for most arrests this month is over.

Earl Hickey just fingered Clyde Fowler
and Bed Bug for all those car thefts.

So it looks like I'm the one goin'
to sunny Tallahassee. [Chuckles]

- How do you spell "Hickey"?
- Uh, it's H-l-

I gotta see the letters in front of me.
Give it here.

- What did we do before texting?
You ever think about that?
- Hmm!

Might as well just take you to Clyde's house
so you can bring him in...

since they know I'm talkin'
to the stupid cops now anyway.

Hey, watch the tone.
I remind you, I'm the only one here with a gun.

Oh, crap.
Hope I left it in the cruiser.

Where's my car, dirtbags?

Easy, Earl, easy.
I'm the one with the badge.

Oh, that too?
I swear, it's like there's little gremlins around.

- Would you just ask 'em about the damn car?
- Right.

Gentlemen, I'm gonna need you to tell me
where you're keepin' the stolen Ranchero.

Stolen Ranchero?
There's no stolen Ranchero here.

[Mexican Accent]
Rancheros? We don't need no stinkin' Rancheros.

[Laughs, Clears Throat]

- [Police Radio Chatter]
- You gotta be kiddin'me. That's it?

What else can I do? The case has gone cold.
These guys are crafty.

Crafty?
The smartest guy in there was the dog.

They're idiots who happened to know
we were comin' ahead of time...

because you're
a horrible police officer.

I know when people look at me
all they see is the gun and the badge.

- You don't even-
- When I have them!

But under this uniform is a human being
with feelings, okay?

- [Clyde, Bed Bug Laughing]
- [Earl Narrating]
Gettin'laughed at did two things.

It pissed me off and convinced me...

I had to steal their lowrider
and trade it back for my Ranchero.

Problem solved.

Would you mind lookin' at me?
We are in the middle of a conversation.

- Fine. Just like my sister.
- [Engine Starts]

[Earl Narrating] If I was gonna steal
Clyde's lowrider, I needed help.

Hey, Jasper, you know anyone
who's good at hot-wiring a car?

I mean, not someone too expensive...

but maybe a college kid
lookin' for their first break.

I have no idea what you're talkin' about.
I'm a legitimate businessman.

- [Coughs] Snitch.
- What?

- [Coughs] Snitch.
- Wait, wait. I don't know what-

I'm sayin' "snitch,"
you stupid deaf tattletale!

Obviously, you talk a lot better than you hear.
[Coughs]

Great. Now my throat really is scratchy.
Go to hell!

[Earl Narrating]
When my room got tossed...

I was hopin'only Clyde and Bed Bug
had found out about me talkin'to the cops.

But now thatJasper knew,
I was wonderin'who else did.

- Hey, Creepy Rodney.
- Snitch!

Snitch! Snitch!

Apparently everybody.

Heads up, Earl.
Mr. Wallace is over there.

He offered Big Damon $50
to puncture your kidney with a pool cue.

Maybe you should do your drinking
someplace else for a while.

P.J. Stackers out on the interstate is nice.
Duck!

No pun intended,
but that should be your cue.

[Earl Narrating]
I should've known this would've happened.

- As soon as I helped out the other team,
I got kicked off my own.
- Hmm?

But even if everyone else turned on me,
I knew I could always count on Randy.

Good news, Randy.
We're goin' stealin'.

Oh, my God, the stealin' bag!

[Inhales Deeply]
And it still smells like crime.

That's right, Randy.
It's gonna be like the good old days.

I can't tell you everything,
'cause it's kind of a tricky job...

- but we're stealin' a lowrider.
- [TV: Cartoon Sound Effects]

The first thing we have
to deal with is a big dog.

So I crushed up a bunch
of sleepin' pills...

and put 'em in some
peanut butter crackers.

What'd you say about peanut butter, sleepy?
[Snores]

Good night, Randy.

[Snoring]

Since Randy ate the pills,
I had to come up with a new plan.

Fortunately, like Clyde and Bed Bug,
Dubya was a big drinker too.

[Snoring]

I hadn't kept up on all
the latest trade craft...

but I figured hot-wirin'a car...

was like ridin'a bike
or shopliftin'.

- It'd come back to me.
- [Grunts]

- [Horn Honking, Alarm Blaring]
- It didn't.

# Cisco Kid was a friend of mine #

# Cisco Kid was a friend of mine #

# He drink whiskey #

- # Pancho'd drink the wine ##
- [Grunts]

I just couldn't leave without takin'
somethin'I could trade back to Clyde.

And once again,
I had to come up with a new plan.

[Siren Blaring]

[Hoyne] Pull the trash can to the side
of the road and put your hands in the air.

Hey there, Officer Hoyne.
I was just takin' my garbage can out-

for a run.

Save it, Earl. I've been stakin' this place
out since you said I was such a bad cop.

Well, I'm not such a bad cop now, am I?
I said put your hands in the air!

- [Snarling]
- Stay! Oh, my God!

Look, just give me some info on somebody else,
and you can go.

Fine.

[Whispers] I know a lazy cop who didn't
wash his hands when he used the bathroom.

That's very funny.
For your information, I didn't touch anything.

Look, I'm not snitchin' again.
Why would I give you more information?

It seems like the only person
you ever arrest is me.

Come on, Earl.
There's lots of fun stuff in the goody drawer.

We got little yo-yos. We got jelly beans.
Lip Smackers for the lady snitch.

And we got those little toys where you
push the button and the guy falls down.

Remember these? Huh?

[Earl Narrating]
I did remember those. I remembered all of those.

People could've gotten
those prizes from anywhere...

- like a dentist's office or a clown's yard sale.
- # Under my thumb #

But at this point I'd lost everything
and was willing to roll the dice.

# The girl who once
had me down #

# Under my thumb #

# The girl who once
pushed me around #

- # It's down to me #
- Okay.

- I'm ready to talk.
- Great.

[Earl Narrating]
So I gave him some information...

about who was muggin'people
comin'out of the library.

And if my hunch was right,
the rest of the work would be done for me.

- Hey, hey, hey, felony? No!
- ## [Continues, Indistinct]

- Rock is a misdemeanor.
- Sorry.

Rock got upgraded
to a Class "A" weapon.

F. Y.I., a stick
is still a misdemeanor...

long as it's not too pointy and weighs less
than your run-of-the-mill rock.

Wait! I'll talk.
You know I always have good information.

Joy Turner shoplifts
from the Bargain Bag...

every time the security guard
does his afternoon dialysis.

[Earl Narrating]
Just like dominoes...

as soon as one was pushed,
the rest started fallin'.

This is redonkulous. I was wearin' 10 pair
of panties when I walked into that store.

Uh, hold up. Jasper Murphy tried
to sell me a Chinese baby the other day.

Man, of course I know their names, man.
These are my children.

Uh, that one's Yao Ming, and-
and this one's, uh, General Tso...

- and-and this little guy's, uh, um, Hitachi.
- [Cooing]

Okay, okay. Clyde and Bed Bug
don'tjust steal cars.

[Earl Narrating] Turns out a chain
is only as strong as its weakest link...

and the chain of criminals in Camden County
were all weak links.

I found out when push came to shove,
everybody was a snitch.

But even better,
they found out that I knew.

Hey, Rodney.

Turns out criminals snitchin'on criminals
was the oldest game in Camden.

- [Clears Throat] Snitch.
- Everybody played.

[Earl]
New flavor of Lip Smackers, Joy?

What, now you're a snitch and a spy?

You oughta be ashamed.

[Earl Narrating]
Even the hall-of-famers.

Well, well.
Mr. Wallace.

I see you took the yo-yo
over the fake teeth.

Which is surprising,
since it seems like you've become very chatty.

Fine, you got me.

I've been in the game 70 years,
and I'm not lettin' a punk like you take me down.

How about I give you the same deal
I gave Frankie Avalon?

I'll make you a star.
Ever want to make a record?

I got somethin'else in mind.

[Earl Narrating]
Mr. Wallace still had a lot ofjuice...

- 'cause by the next morning
I had Randy's present back.
- Look what I got you.

I already had her.
Not great.

Not me, jerk.
The car.

For me?
But this car is better than yours.

That's the point.
Happy birthday, Randy.

Or if it makes you uncomfortable,
we could trade.

- Thanks again, Earl.
- You're welcome, Pork Chop.