My Name Is Earl (2005–2009): Season 4, Episode 5 - Sweet Johnny - full transcript

My name is Earl.

[Earl Narrating] They say in Camden County
a crime is committed every seven minutes.

Unfortunately forJoy, it had been
six minutes and 57 seconds.

The hell? This ain't a bus.

You're getting carjacked.
Get out.

Fine. But carjackin' a red, white and blue Brat
is like spittin' on the American flag.

Least let me get my nuggets.

Oh, snap!
My hand snapped!

Hey, Earl, have you heard
that if you can tear...

the label off your beer in one piece,
it means you're not a virgin?

- Willie the mailman was talkin' about it.
- I hadn't heard that.



Guess it's true.

- What? I've had sex, you stupid beer!
- [Tires Screeching]

[Joy]
Stop the Brat! Holy God!

[Grunts]

Damn it.

That was the best stunt
I've seen since SweetJohnny.

SweetJohnny.

[Earl Narrating] SweetJohnny was
number 7 on my list...

and one of the things
I felt the worst about.

SweetJohnny got his name because
he was the sweetest guy anyone knew.

But also because he was a stuntman
and did some sweet stunts.

[Grunts]

His stunts were impressive...

but I was even more impressed
with his girlfriend, Sheila.



So, the doctor says you're gonna
be laid up for a couple days, huh?

Yeah, but it was worth it.

'Cause that stunt SweetJohnny
just pulled off was swe-e-et! [Coughs]

- Okay.
- Oh, God.

Well, hang in there, buddy.

[Earl Narrating] So this time when Johnny
got hurt, I decided to make my move.

Well, there's a back porch
I could spend an afternoon on.

Yeah. Nice, ain't it? Reach out
and grab a slice of that butt-cake.

- [Imitates Honking]
- [Laughs]

[Earl Narrating] I knew if I wanted
to keep foolin'around with Sheila...

I had to keepJohnny out of the way,
so I came up with a plan.

- The Doomsday Chair, huh?
- Yep. Saw it as a kid on That's Incredible.

You sit on the chair. When the seat blows up,
it throws you 20 feet in the air.

But I was thinkin', you make the whole chair
out ofT.N.T., you'll go even higher.

Yeah.
Forty feet in the air.

SweetJohnny's gonna fly!
Whoo!

[Earl Narrating] I knew I was doin'wrong, but
a great heinie can make a man do crazy things.

- SweetJohnny!
- Or make a man make a man do crazy things.

- Is that it?
- [Girl] Oh, no!

[Bystanders Chattering]

[Earl Narrating] It didn't take me long
to realize the worseJohnny got hurt...

the more time I got
in his van with Sheila.

I don't remember how many stunts
I convinced him to do, but it was a lot.

- Like the human speed bump.
- # Love hurts #

- And the simple yet extremely
unpredictable rocket unicycle.
- # Love scars #

But by the time I talked him into the human
wrecking ball, I'd started to feel bad.

- # And marks any heart #
- [Crowd Cheering]

SweetJohnny!

# Not tough or strong #

I'm sorry.

- # Enough #
- I can't do this anymore.

- # To take a lot of pain #
- Yeah. This is some sick stuff.

# I learned from you #

- # I really learned a lot #
- [Imitates Honking]

# Really learned a lot
But love is like a flame #

SweetJohnny!

[Crowd]
Oh!

- [Man] Shake it off, Johnny. Shake it off
- # Ooh, love hurts ##

I gotta find SweetJohnny.
You want to come?

No, you go ahead.
Drop me off at the Crab Shack.

I'm gonna get another beer
and prove to it I'm not a virgin.

By doin' the label thing,
not puttin' my wiener in it.

Just want to be clear.

[Earl Narrating]
I hadn't heard anything aboutJohnny for a while...

so I was afraid
he'd be hard to find.

But it ends up he was livin'
in the same house.

Hey, SweetJohnny.

Earl Hickey! Wassup?

[Laughs]

Wassup... with you?

Oh, nothin'.
I'm just preparin' for a stunt.

I'm gonna attach this chair
to two weather balloons...

float as high as the planes fly,
high-five God...

then jump off, use this parachute
to float sweetly back down to Earth.

SweetJohnny!
[Chuckles]

Look, Johnny, uh, I came here
to confess something.

All that time I was convincing you
to do crazy stunts...

I was doin' it to get you hurt
so I could sleep with Sheila.

You slept with Sheila?

Why would you do that?
Why-Why would she do that?

She's the love of my life.
I thought you were my friend.

l-l-I am, and l-I feel really bad
and want to make it up to you.

You son of a bitch!

[Screams]
Johnny, just give me a chance, man!

[Earl Narrating]
I have a rule of thumb with the list.

If someone pulls a weapon,
I give 'em time to cool off

Baby, are these socks thicker
than my regular socks? I feel taller.

- Where did you get a gun?
- At that Indian dude's garage sale.

Got you a tank top too.
It says "Whitey Off the Rez"...

but I figured since you're black,
you could get away with it.

You know how I feel about guns.
No good can come from having one.

Yeah? Well, if I had this yesterday,
we'd still have our car...

and you wouldn't be goin'
to work ridin' bitch on Fernando's bicycle.

No, if you had that yesterday,
there would have been a shoot-out.

The inside of the Brat would've looked
like someone turned on a blender.

You're steppin' on
my First Amendment rights.

Freedom of speech
is the First Amendment.

And nothin' speaks
louder than this.

[Earl]
SweetJohnny?

[Earl Narrating] I gaveJohnny
a night to sleep on it, then went back.

Earl Hickey. Wassup?

- [Laughs]
- Uh, hey, uh, I'm back.

Just checkin' to see if you've cooled down
since I was here yesterday.

Yesterday?

Yesterday I was in Nathanville with Sheila
pickin' up helium for my next big stunt.

Oh, you're gonna love this. I'm gonna
attach this chair to some weather balloons...

float up to where the planes fly,
high-five God...

then jump back down
with this parachute-

H-Hold on. I feel like
I caught that French disease...

that makes things
happen to you twice.

You don't remember me, uh, comin' by yesterday
and tellin' you I slept with Sheila?

You-You slept with Sheila?

Why would you do that?

Why-Why would she do that?

She's the love of my life.
I thought you were my friend.

- You son of a bitch!
- [Screams]

[Earl Narrating]Johnny had always been
unpredictable, but now hejust seemed weird.

If I was gonna cross him off my list,
I was gonna have to find out why.

The next day,
I tracked down Sheila...

hopin'she might know why
SweetJohnny was acting so strange.

Sheila? That you?

Earl Hickey? I haven't
seen you for years! Hold on.

I'll be right there.

Oh, damn people.
Parkin' too close together.

Oh, yeah. Baby got a little
bigger downstairs.

But she still remembers you. You want to give it
a little squeeze for old time's sake?

- [Weakly Imitates Honking]
- [Laughs]

So what you doin'
in Mount Trace?

Actually, I was, uh,
lookin' for you.

I need to ask you somethin'
about SweetJohnny.

I talked to him yesterday,
and he seemed kinda "forget-y."

Oh, you don't know about the accident?
About the brain damage?

[Earl Narrating] Turns out even though
I'd putJohnny in danger a bunch of times...

it was somethin'he did on his own
that ended up hurtin'him permanently.

Whoa!

He hurt his brain so bad,
he can't make new memories.

Whenever he falls asleep, he wakes up
thinkin' it is the day before his big stunt.

He's got no idea
it's 10 years later?

Mm-mmm.
He never leaves the house.

He just goes to that garage
and works on that chair.

I stayed with him
for a couple of years.

But he got hurt the summer that
song "La Vida Loca" was big.

If I heard him sing it one more time,
I was gonna drown him in the tub.

I know what that's like.
Randy got really into that song for a while.

It's the only time
I ever spanked him.

I guess that explains why he didn't remember
me tellin' him about us sleepin' together.

What the hell did you do that for?

- Because it was a bad thing,
and I need to make up for it.
- Earl, sure we did wrong.

But the way that I look at it, we got
a get-out-of-jail-free card.

Oh, nice. Someone just parked
illegal cross the street. Be right back.

[Car Alarm Wailing]

I'm ignoring you, Darnell.

All I see is Charlie Brown fallin' while
that bitch pulls the football away again.

Tell you what. If Chuck was packin',
people would stop messin' with him.

I don't get it.
I'm not a virgin.

Does sex not count with daytime
hookers, illegal aliens or 60-year-olds?

I don't know how I'm gonna cross Johnny
off my list in one day.

He's so pissed when
I tell him what I did...

I can't even get to the apologizing
and making it up to him part.

[Grunts] There's another staple.
That makes six.

I don't know why you just don't skip him
and go to another item.

It's not like you're gonna live long enough
to actually finish that list anyway.

Wrong. Earl promised me
he'd live forever.

I'm gonna finish the list.

Besides, once I start thinkin' about somethin',
I need to cross it off so I can forget about it.

Otherwise, it'll just nag at me.

- [Loud Clatter]
- Everybody freeze!

[Guns Cocking]

People, it was a pool cue.
Put the guns away.

- What the hell, Joy?
- Oh, stop bein' a wuss.

- If that had been a robber,
I would've saved the day.
- [Gunshot]

[All Gasp]

It's all right, everybody.
Just grazed my booby.

[Earl Narrating] I realized I had no choice
but to giveJohnny another try.

- And this time, I had protection.
- SweetJohnny?

- Earl Hickey. Wassup?
- I slept with Sheila and made
you do dangerous stunts...

so you'd get hurt
and I could bang her in your van.

You son of a bitch!

So I decided to wait out his anger,
hopin'he'd work his way through it.

And it didn't occur to me
he might change weapons.

- But eventually, he got to where he could listen.
- [Grunts]

Look, I know you're upset.

I'm really sorry for what I did,
but I want to make it up to you.

- So what can I do?
- I'm goin' to talk to Sheila.

Hold on! That-That's not a good idea.
There's somethin' you don't know.

See, you got this brain injury. When you go to
sleep, you wake up thinkin' it's the same day.

- You've been doin' it for 10 years.
- Ten years? That's crazy.

I don't know what kind of trick
you're tryin' to pull on SweetJohnny...

but it's decidedly unsweet.

SweetJohnny? Earl, what the hell
did you bring him here for?

Sorry, but he wanted to see you.

You idiot. He is not gonna remember
any of this in the mornin'.

Baby, tell me you didn't
cheat on SweetJohnny.

Sweetness, there's nothin'
for you to get upset about.

Let's just get you back home
so you can get ready for your big-

Ass! Oh, God!

What happened to your ass?

- You know I got that lazy thyroid.
- But it's huge.

It's like 10 years of
ass growth since yesterday.

Oh, God, it's true!
It is 10 years later.

Oh, why?

[Screams, Grunts]

So now you see my problem. I gotta make this up
to you in one day, before you go to sleep.

So if we could just talk-
Johnny! Wait.

Johnny, what do ya got there?

Is that generic nighttime sniffling,
sneezing, coughing, aching, fever...

the-best-sleep-you-ever-got-
with-a-cold medicine?

Johnny, don't do it! Don't go to sleep!
You'll forget everything!

That's the point, Earl.
I just want this day to end.

- Darnell, have you seen my gun?
- Maybe the boys brought it to school.

They mentioned somethin'
about bein' alienated and disillusioned.

Are you tryin' to make some kind of point?
You know I don't like points, Darnell.

I'm just sayin',
it's a shame you lost it.

Today, the cops are havin'
that Guns For Hams exchange.

Damn you! How am I supposed to protect
my family with a honey-glaze ham?

[Earl Narrating]
The next day, I got back to work on Johnny.

But since I knew what I was dealin'with,
I was able to get things done a little faster.

Earl Hickey. Wassup?

- I told him what I had done.
- I thought you were my friend.

I let him work out his rage.
I told him about his brain problems.

This is crazy.
I'm gonna go talk to Sheila.

- Took him to see Sheila.
- Sheila, tell me all this isn't true.

- Oh, hell, not again.
- Oh, my God!

- I'm really enjoying this, Earl.
- No get-out-of-jail-free cards.

[Earl Narrating] And I took him home.
But this time, I came prepared.

- Get away from me, you devil!
- Calm down, Johnny.

- Get away from me, you devil!
- Calm down, Johnny.

I'm gonna get you through this.

Eventually, I discovered
all Johnny needed were some kind words...

once sung by
a handsome Cuban man.

[Earl]
#Upside, inside out #

# Livin' la vida loca #

# She'll push and pull you out #

# Her skin's the color of mocha #

# Livin' la vida loca ##

Feelin' better, buddy?

So it's just like that movie
Groundhog Day here.

But instead of Andie MacDowell,
I got a cheatin' ex-girlfriend...

with a big, fat dumper...

and I never get to do my stunt.

Afraid so.

I guess than that's what
you can do for me, Earl.

You can help me
do that BASE jump.

Really?

Do you think we could
pull it off right now?

'Cause we kinda
need to do it today.

I got everything ready out back.

Apparently I've double-checked
it all 3,654 times.

All right then. Let's jump!

I'm gonna call the Crab Shack
and tell people you're doin' a stunt.

Everybody's gonna be leavin' soon anyway
'cause Happy Half-Hour's almost over.

This is great.
Give me a "SweetJohnny."

[Snoring]

[Earl Narrating]
So we went through it one last time.

- Wassup?
- # Round and round #

# With love we'll find a way
Just give it time #

[Groans]

# Round and round #

- # What comes around goes around #
All right then. Let's jump.

# I'll tell you why ##

Look alive.

[Earl Narrating] At last, the stuntJohnny had
waited 10 years to do was ready.

Greetings, people of Camden
and what's left of the SweetJohnny Fan Club.

- Whoo!
- [People Cheering]

I love you, Johnny! Whoo!

Thanks, Paul.
[Clears Throat]

Well, I'm gonna take this chair, and
I'm gonna fly, and then I'm gonna jump off.

And if, uh,
Lady Gravity does her job...

you're gonna see a stunt
that you'll never forget.

I'll never forget you, Johnny!

- Whoo! [Laughs]
- Thanks again, Paul.

Just dial it down a notch, bro.
All right.

- SweetJohnny!
- [Earl Narrating] I felt good.

I was only a few minutes from bein'able
to cross SweetJohnny off my list...

and put what I had done to him
behind me forever.

[Earl]
What the-

Johnny!
Forgot your parachute.

- What the hell are you doin'?
- Endin' it.

If this is my life and that's Sheila's ass,
I don't want to go on.

You-You can't kill yourself.

Watch me. SweetJohnny!

Wait, wait. Johnny!
What are you doin'? Help!

- Let go!
- SweetJohnny, what are you doin'?

[Earl Screams]

Help! Somebody, get me down!

Get me down! Help!

Oh, my God! I did it!
The bottle says I'm not a virgin! I knew it!

Look, Randy.
They're gonna die!

- [Screams]
- [Bottle Smashes]

[Screaming]

If I still had my gun, I could shoot out
a balloon and save those idiots.

- Joy, now's not the time.
- You still can't admit that sometime, somewhere...

there's a good reason
to have a gun, can you?

- Joy-
- Admit it, Darnell.

Yes, I admit it. When two men are floating away
in a lawn chair tied to big balloons...

and one of them has left his parachute behind,
that might be an okay time to have a gun.

Thank you.

- [Earl Screaming]
- This is America.
You didn't think I could get another one?

[Groans]

- Is anybody dead?
- He's knocked out, but breathing.

Well, Darnell,
looks like the gun saved the day.

- I think maybe it's time you reconsidered-
- [Gunshot]

[All Gasp]

It's okay, everybody. Just grazed my stinker.
[Chuckles]

- I thought my stunt was tomorrow.
- [Man] Oh, he's okay.

Hey, everybody. Wassup?

[Earl Narrating]
It took Johnny tryin'to commit suicide...

for me to see how selfish I had been...

and how I was really only tryin'to make
me feel better by crossin'Johnny off the list.

- Hey, SweetJohnny.
- Earl Hickey. Wassup?

All right, easy on the squeezie.

I just want you to know somethin'.

I really like you, and I'm sorry.

Well, thanks, Earl. But there's no reason
for bein' sorry for likin' SweetJohnny.

SweetJohnny likes you too.
Hey, you mind helpin' me out?

Some kids must've broke in here
last night and messed up my stunt chair.

Must've kicked my ass
while I was sleepin' too.

Somehow, I bit halfway
through my tongue, the little bastards.

[Earl Narrating]
For the first time since I started doin'my list...

I wasn't gonna be able
to cross somebody off

I was gonna have
tojust let it nag at me.

But sinceJohnny was never gonna remember,
it felt right that someone never forget.

Are you just gonna stand there, or are you
gonna help me? I got a big stunt tomorrow.

I know. I can't wait.

SweetJohnny!