My Name Is Earl (2005–2009): Season 4, Episode 25 - Inside Probe: Part 1 - full transcript

My name is Earl.

[Earl Narrating]
Ernie's Crab Shack was named after three things:

the food they're most famous for...

the type ofbuilding it was
and the owner- Ernie Belcher.

And after 54 years ofbeing in business...

the crabs and the Shack are still around...

but old Ernie's been missin'for years.

And until today, we never thought
we'd find out what happened to him.

It's comin' on! Oh, my God! It's comin' on!

It's comin' on, it's comin' on,
it's comin' on, it's comin' on.

Our Inside Probe is finally comin' on.



- Man, I can't believe they're finally gonna air that.
- [TVOn]

It's been, like, eight years.
I wonder what took 'em so long.

Actually, that's my fault. Now that
I'm no longer in Witness Protection...

I was able to finally sign
the release papers.

Next week, my Wheel of Fortune will air.

All day long
with that Witness Protection mess.

How long you gonna milk that thing?

We all got stories we're proud of.

I went to the prom as a sixth grader.

Now shut up. It's startin'.

## [Theme: Synthesizer, Piano]

Hi. I'm Geraldo Rivera
sitting in for Stone Phillips...

who's recovering from
some pretty serious plastic surgery.

Welcome to another edition of Inside Probe.



Eight years ago, we visited
the small town of Camden...

where a search for the missing owner
of a seafood restaurant...

uncovers some fishy details...

and an ocean of possibilities.

Tonight on Inside Probe- a small-town bar.

A likable restaurant owner,
Ernie Belcher, disappears.

Was it murder? And if so, who did it?

Why would someone want
Ernie Belcher out of the picture?

What surprises do the local police
have in store for them?

And what is this guy talking about?

Two days to find a way
to get four Floridas on time...

and ride out of here for where you
and your sister's bedpost...

wanted me to go in the first place.

Join us for the next 30 minutes
as we probe inside the case...

of the disappearance
of the Crab Shack's Ernie Belcher...

in "Claws of Death: Unknown."

It's back on! It's back on!

## [Theme Plays]

To fully understand
the disappearance of Ernie Belcher...

first you have to understand
the town of Camden.

And to understand the town of Camden...

you have to understand
the people who live here...

in this town
nestled in the heart of America.

- [Horn Honks]
- [Earl] Hey, "Gerardo"!

- [Bleeps] you!
- [Both Laughing]

[Geraldo Narrating]
Earl Jehosophat Hickey.

Born and raised in Camden County...

Earl epitomizes the Camden experience.

Brought into the world
as an innocent young child...

full ofhopes and dreams,
only to eventually realize...

he is stuck in this dead-end town
for the rest ofhis life.

Hope turns to despair.

And often in towns like this...

- crime is seen as the only way out.
- [Siren Wails]

- And Mr. Hickey is no stranger to crime...
- [Police Radio Chatter]

with 77 misdemeanors under his belt.

Hickey steals anything
he can get his hands on...

including, apparently, one of our cameras.

Whoo-hoo! Look at me!

I'm Gerardo!
[Laughs]

And when he's not committing petty thefts...

he's at his favorite restaurant,
Ernie's Crab Shack...

enjoying his favorite food-beer.

Everyone loved Ernie. He was funny.

Sometimes when you weren't
lookin', he'd drop a peanut in your beer.

Then when you'd get
to the end of your beer...

you'd be, like, "Whoa, where'd
that peanut come from?"

Sure enough, every time, you'd look up...

and there'd be old Ernie
with a smile on his face.

Like that dude who ate a canary.

[Geraldo Narrating]
Randy Hickey-

the younger and, if you can believe it,
stupider brother of Earl Hickey.

Randall Doo Hickey
was Camden County's first ever...

unintentional underwater birth.

At an early age, he developed
a love for guns...

smashing things with shovels...

and balancing things on his head.

But eventually,
Randy turned to crime as well.

Also with 77 misdemeanors under his belt...

Randy is a classic example
of"Dummy see, dummy do."

Like everyone in this town,
Randy has his own fond memories of Ernie.

Ernie taught me how to tie my shoes.

I've known him for a long time-
almost two years.

Ernie used to let me play
the claw machine for free.

But if I got a prize bigger than my fist,
I had to throw it back.

I don't know where he went,
but I'm sure he'll come home soon.

Sometimes people just go away for a while.

Aliens take 'em for a ride
on their spaceship.

I'm always on the lookout for aliens.

I'm not scared of'em.

I just wanna make sure
I don't miss my turn to take a ride.

Randy! Are those your toenails
in the ice cube tray?

[Geraldo Narrating]
Joy Farrah Hickey- wife of Earl Hickey.

Born Joy Farrah Darville,
this blonde-haired, blue-eyed beauty...

always had dreams of stardom.

But when those dreams faded,
she, too, turned to a life of crime.

This low-rent Bonnie
to Hickey's half-wit Clyde...

has a rap sheet with crimes ranging from
impersonating the handicapped...

huffing stolen paint
and robbing the Afro Hut.

We caught up with Joy at her home
in the Pimmit Hills Trailer Park.

[Joy]
I knew Ernie...

but I didn't know Ernie
as good as everybody else.

I'm not originally from Camden.

I grew up one town over, in Nathanville-
much classier.

My family owns a very successful
water bed business.

Anyway, Ernie was cool.

One time, this drunk guy
tried to dry-hump me in the parking lot-

- [Heavy Breathing]
- while I was bendin'over
picking up this nickel I found.

Ernie sprayed him with a water hose.

He was always there for his customers.

Oh, yeah. Ernie.

That crazy son of a bitch
was always sprayin' me with a hose.

[Geraldo Narrating]
If you recognize this man...

you may be among the dozens who have
enjoyed his work on the small screen.

He is Camden County's own TV's Tim Stack.

Supposedly born in Camden County...

Tim was found naked,
except for a diaper, in a cucumber patch.

He was 14 years old.

Taken in by former FatherJoe
and former Father Ed...

Tim has blocked out
nearly every memory ofhis childhood...

and now considers himself
to have a healthy addiction to vodka.

I liked Ernie. We had a deal.

I used to do a little dinner theater
here a couple nights a week...

and he wouldn't bother me
when I needed to use the bathroom...

to, uh, "powder my nose"...

with a little white lightning.

Let's just say it used to
snow a lot back in the day.

I'm talking about cocaine.

Tim, man, what was that pill you gave me?

I don't know. What color was it?

Is this real life, man?

Is it gonna be like this forever?

[Screaming]

[Geraldo Narrating]
Wilfrid Dierkes- Tim Stack's agent.

Wilfrid Dierkes
was a weird little kid...

who grew into
a morbidly obese teenager...

who shrunk back into a weird little adult.

Yeah. Tim's a pretty good actor,
and I've got an online law degree.

We got a little side business
where Tim does slip-and-falls...

and I settle things out of court.

Last year, we did close to four figures...

which pretty much covered
Tim's medical bills.

Wilfrid, this one didn't go through either.

I think it's your library card.

[Geraldo Narrating]
Darnell Turner-A.K.A. "The Crabman."

Ernie's favorite employee
was evasive about his past...

which could only mean one thing.

[Whispering]
Witness Protection.

But he could not deny that
he knew more about Ernie...

than anyone else in Camden.

Ernie was a genius.
He understood that if you introduced...

a very low grade of seafood
to a population a little bit at a time...

peoples' stomachs would adapt-
and he was right.

You should see some of the stuff we serve.
Basically it's chum.

Aside from coworkers
and the regular customers...

did Ernie have any other friends?

Oh, yeah. He was really good friends
with Michael Waltrip.

[Geraldo Narrating]
NASCAR's Michael Waltrip...

an unlikely friend
to this small-town restauranteur.

While in Camden, Michael Waltrip
likes to stay at the Palm Motel...

where, according to their brochure...

if a hooker comes to your room by mistake...

you don't have to pay her.

I met Ernie at a autograph signing
at a NAPA auto parts store in Mount Trace.

And wejust hit it off

After that, we started hangin'out
whenever I came through town.

He really understood me.

We both had brothers that competed with us
in the same business.

My brother, Darrell,
was a race car driver also.

And his brother, Quizno-
he invented the toasted sub.

So how'd you guys blow off steam together?

Walk me through a typical day...

in the friendship of Ernie Belcher
and Michael Waltrip.

Oh, pool, pinball, makin'left-hand turns.

You know, guy stuff

Aside from you, is there anyone else
special in Ernie's life?

Oh, yeah. Ernie had some lady friends
he was very fond of.

[Geraldo Narrating]
One of those women was Catalina Rana Aruca...

Camden County's first hot immigrant.

Catalina was born in the small town
of Guadalatucky...

and came to Camden in a box...

to seek fame and fortune
in the land of opportunity.

The other woman in Ernie's life...

was daytime hooker
Patricia Michelle Weezmer.

Come back when you're alone, sweetie.

Got a Father's Day special all month long.

Half Cherokee, Patty spent
the first several years ofher life...

on an Indian reservation...

before her mother divorced her father,
Chasing Squirrel...

and moved to their new home in Camden.

Patty splits her time between selling
her body to strangers during the day...

and starring in local community theater
productions in the evening.

Ernie was the best-
quick, clean, very polite.

"No" really meant "no" with him.

We both kinda dated Ernie as a team.

He'd come see me dance for a while,
get all worked up...

and then take Patty out in the parking lot.

She'd shake up the bottle, and I'd pop the cork.
[Pops Lips]

It seemed as if everyone loved Ernie...

and they thought Ernie
would be around forever.

And that was true,
if by "forever" they meant April 9, 2001.

It was a pretty quiet morning.

Um, Officer Lisa-

I don't know her last name.
She's around here somewhere.

- Tall, decent face. Small boobies.
- Oh.

Anyway, she had brought in some bagels
with pumpkin cream cheese. Delicious.

It's like a little pumpkin pie,
but a bagel, you know, so it's good for you.

We werejust enjoying the heck
out of those things.

- [Ringing]
- Then the phone started lightin'up.

[Woman On Tape]

[Man On Tape]

- [Beeps]
- [Woman On Tape]

- [Randy On Tape]
Baba Booey! Baba Booey!
- [Beeps]

It's police policy not to waste resources...

Iooking for a missing person
in the first 24 hours...

because they usually show up on their own.

And after 24 hours,
if they're still missing...

usually means they're dead, so we don't look
for them that hard then either.

- Are you wearing makeup?
- No.

Anyway, when Ernie didn't show up,
we started to think the worst-

murder.

- You're wearing makeup.
- Fine. Yes. I am.

You saw me on Cops.
I looked like I hadn't slept in weeks.

[Geraldo On TV]
Could Ernie have been killed?

It's possible. But if so, by who?

In a town where all the Little League teams...

are sponsored by bail bondsmen,
pawnshops and methadone clinics...

how do you narrow down the suspects?

Was it the petty thief...

his simpleton brother...

the stay-at-trailer mom...

the black coworker...

the immigrant stripper...

the so-called "celebrity"...

the small-time agent...

the black coworker...

or the daytime hooker?

We'll learn more when Inside Probe returns.

- Did they just show me twice?
- I don't think so.

I think they showed me twice.

## [Theme Plays]

Now back to our story.

Eight years ago,
local Camden restauranteur Ernie Belcher...

vanished without a trace.

The problem was figuring out
which small-town lowlife was responsible.

With no motive, no body...

and a police department fishing trip looming...

Ernie Belcher's case looked like
it was going to be closed.

But then police caught a break.

Uh, we were just going through the victim's
office. You know, standard procedure.

We say we're looking for clues,
but it's reallyjust to find stuff...

to auction off at our department fund-raiser.
[Chuckles]

[Geraldo Narrating]
As they tried to raise money
for their break room foosball table...

the police found one thing
they could not auction off

hundreds of threatening letters
addressed to Ernie...

all from this man- Randy Hickey.

[Randy's Voice] Dear Ernie,
how dare you stop providin'free toothpicks?

What kind ofjerk serves
corn and pulled meat...

and doesn't offer his customers...

a way to get those items
unlodged from their teeth?

Attached is everything I've had stuck
in my mouth for the last two weeks.

I hope you choke on it.

And the threats didn't stop there.

[Randy's Voice]
Dear Ernie...

how dare you only serve my favorite item-

fish wings- on "Wenedsdays"?

I have included a list
of famous people who agree...

that fish wings should be sold every day.

Do as we say, or somethin'bad will happen.

Is it possible that a man
could lose his life...

over toothpicks and fish wings?

That's what police wanted to know.

"Bad things will happen
if fish wings aren't served every day"?

What kind of bad things will happen, Randy?

I don't know. People will be angry.

Fish wings are great.

The only bad part is sometimes
the real chewy pieces get stuck in your teeth...

which wouldn't even be a problem
if they still offered free toothpicks.

But no! Ernie got rid of the toothpicks...

because he said people
were just usin' 'em to poke each other.

[Shouting]
But what he didn't realize...

is that some of us are usin' 'em
to get stuff out of our teeth...

before we poked each other!

Now we're gonna have to poke
each other with our fingers...

while we got fish wings stuck in our teeth!

Damn it! Why are you making me
relive this again?

[Geraldo Narrating]
Obviously full of rage...

police were happy
to have this monster off the streets.

- But even though they had a suspect in custody...
- [Toilet Flushes]

police were not convinced
that a man who is routinely arrested...

for getting stuck in the return box
while trying to steal videos...

could kill someone
and hide the body all by himself.

So they started looking for an accomplice.

- [Gags]
- [Stomach Gurgling]

[Hoyne]
Would you like a cup of coffee?

Tell me where the hell you and your lowlife
brother were the night Ernie disappeared!

Come on, man. It was night.

I don't know where we were.
We were drunk.

We were getting pretty desperate...

so I had to deploy a somewhat advanced
interrogation technique-

a little thing my grandma called "lying."

Well.

Your brother confessed.

And if you want to get the same deal he got,
you'd better confess too.

Or you're gonna get
the death penalty for sure.

He didn't confess.

You're just trying to get me
to admit something I didn't do.

I know all about reverse biology, buddy.

I'm not an idiot. This isn't gonna work.

Think it'll work on your brother?

My brother said we did it? We killed Ernie?

Yep. He said you guys were drunk...

and there wasn't anything
good on TV that night...

so you decided to go down to the Crab Shack
and take Ernie's life.

- Any of that ring a bell?
- Maybe.

I mean, if he said we did it,
we probably did.

But I don't know.
It sounds a little strange.

There's usually something pretty good on TV.

Randy! Don't do it!

Don't confess! They're lyin' to you!

- [Muffled Pounding]
- What's that?

Oh, that's your brother.
They're bangin' his head against the wall...

until you confess to killing Ernie.

He'll probably die in the next few seconds
if you don't confess.

Then we did it! We killed Ernie!

We killed Ernie!
We killed Ernie! We killed Ernie!

With a trial approaching
and very limited funds...

the Hickey boys were forced
to hire the only lawyer they could afford.

Wilfrid Dierkes- lawyer for poor people.

"Se llamo Espa?ol."

[Geraldo Narrating]
After a brief negotiation...

that ended with a $35 check
written by us to their lawyer...

the Hickeys agreed to sit down
with Inside Probe.

Your trial's a couple days away.
It doesn't look good. What's your strategy?

Oh. Oh, um, well, with the mustached one,
I'm gonna plead insanity.

And for the big fella here,
I think I'm gonna plead, uh, retardity.

Sounds good.

Gerardo, we didn't do this.
You gotta help us, man.

I can't go to jail.
I had a dream the other night.

I went to jail, then I got out
and got hit by a car and was in a coma.

Me in a coma?
Come on, man. Nobody wants to see that.

With public opinion against them,
a confession...

and a lawyer with a law degree
from Haiti...

the Hickeys looked
to be going away for a long time.

Or were they?

Remember this man-
two-time Daytona 500 winner Michael Waltrip?

Yeah, I remember the night
Ernie disappeared.

[Geraldo Narrating]
Waltrip agreed to reenact that night for us...

with the help of our Inside Probe Actors.

- [No Audible Dialogue]
- [Waltrip]
I was drivin'through Camden between races...

and I thought why not stop off
and see my old buddy Ernie?

I sat in the bar for about an hour or so
catching up with Ernie.

That's about when this drunk woman
offered to flash me...

if I agreed to buy her a beer
and share it with her.

I wasn't drinkin', so I declined.

But she flashed me anyway.

The next thing I know,
the woman's husband is in my face...

demanding that I not only
buy his wife a beer, but I get him one too.

And then his brother-he comes up...

and wants a cheeseburger
for pulling his pants down.

Well, since beers were only a dollar...

I went ahead and bought 'em all one,
along with the burger.

Unfortunately for the woman,
I think that was her "one beer too many."

- [Thud]
- [Bottle Shatters]

The other two weren't doin'much better.

But since they were fun,
I decided to hang out with them...

and be their designated
two-time Daytona 500 winning driver.

Fortunately for those guys, I'm a bit
of a shutterbug, and I had my camera with me.

I got a pretty complete record
of what happened that night.

[Geraldo Narrating] With an airtight alibi
from a two-time Daytona 500 winner...

the Hickey boys were released
and sent home to their loved ones...

and Inside Probe was there for the reunion.

We're free!

Hey.

[Geraldo Narrating]
With the Hickey brothers cleared of all charges...

a lot of questions were answered.

A lot of questions except one.

Where was Ernie Belcher?

We thought our visit to Camden was over...

but the more Inside Probe probed the inside,
the more we found.

And you're not going
to believe the things we discover.

Next week on Inside Probe...

the baffling case of Ernie Belcher continues.

So ifhe wasn't murdered,
what did happen to him?

Was it a long-standing historical grudge...

or was it something from out of this world?

And what the heck is this all about?

[Gurgling]

Join us next week
for an ending so shocking...

you will- [Bleeps]
your pants.

Inside Probe.

Next Thursday at 8:00. 7:00 Central.

Are you kiddin' me? We have to wait
a whole week to find out what happened to Ernie?

- That's ridiculous.
- I know.

Why didn't they just show the whole thing
in a special one-hour episode?

The network executives
probably didn't order...

enough episodes of Inside Probe
for a whole season...

so they had to stretch it out
over two weeks.

That way, they don't have
to air a repeat during sweeps.

Network executives- they sure take the cake.

Plus they don't let people cuss anymore
on TV until a certain time at night.

Douche bags.