My Name Is Earl (2005–2009): Season 4, Episode 17 - Randy's List Item - full transcript

You know the kind of guy
who does nothing but bad things...

and then wonders why his life sucks?

Well, that was me.
Every time somethin'good happened to me...

somethin'bad was waitin'around the corner.

But then while I was laid up...

I learned about a thing called karma
from watching Carson Daly.

So I made a list of all
the rotten things I've done...

and, one by one, I'm gonna make up for 'em.

I'm just tryin'to be a better person.

My name is Earl.

AfterJoy, Darnell
and the boys were snatched...



by the Witness Protection Program...

me and Randy took advantage of the free rent
and moved back to the trailer.

I think we should've left the plastic.

You know, so we wouldn't have to get up to
go pee, like Mom and Dad did with my bed.

Randy, they put that plastic on because you
peed the bed, not so you could pee the bed.

Chicken and the egg, Earl.
Chicken and the egg.

Your mail was finally released
from police evidence...

but they still haven't
caught that mailbox sniper.

It's one of the girls at Club Chubby.

"Happy Presidents Day.
And congrats again on freeing the slaves. "

It's from our great-aunt Leila.

Ten years ago,
she started thinking Randy was Abe Lincoln.

- Now she sends him a gift every Presidents Day.
- Awesome! A lotto ticket!

Scratchers are fun,
'cause even if you don't win anything...



you still get to eat
all this silver candy you scratched off.

I won! Whoo-hoo! I'm rich! Whoo-hoo!

I'm rich! I'm rich!

Whoo-hoo! I'm rich!

Two hundred and fifty-

Randy, you okay?

Karma hit me, Earl, just like you.

I never should've scratched that ticket.

I'll be damned.

While karma was turning
Randy's life upside down...

the F.B.I. was doing
the same thing toJoy and Darnell.

Where the hell are you takin' us?

Well, thanks to your little stunt
on Estrada or Nada...

we are now forced
to terminate your identities.

You're no longer
Phyllis and Marty Rosenstein...

and we're no longer taking you
to Cincinnati's Little Israel district.

Thank God. The thought of cooking
my first Passover seder...

was giving me all kinds of shpilkes.

By the way, I'm diggin' the slow jams.

I'm gettin' chick wood just listenin' to 'em.

Baby, this is serious business.

Look, we're sorry for causing you
inconvenience and whatnot...

but my grateful wife and I
are happy to do or be whatever you say.

- Right, baby?
- I have told you. I want my name to be Goldie Crystal.

I wanna live somewhere
with skyscrapers and cosmopolitans...

and gay men who are your best friends.

What is so hard about that?

Welcome to New York.

This place is a dump.

Goldie Crystal wouldn't live here.

She doesn't. Your new names are
Lorb and Wilma Gruntlebutt.

It's not that bad.

Hey, there's an unexpected perk.

Whenever the train comes through,
we can lay on the floor and get a free massage.

We're gonna be so relaxed.

WhileJoy was upset about her new life...

Randy was excited to start his.

Here, Randy. Make you feel better.

I made some space beer. Just don't chug it.
I used the last of the Tang.

There's no time for space beer.

I'm watching Carson Daly so he can tell me
what karma wants me to do.

So this whole thing is crazy
with the celebrity baby pictures.

Did I do something to a celebrity
or babies or a picture?

The money is gigantic
for the exclusive-

I've done stuff to pictures, Earl.

- Bad stuff.
- Okay, this is nuts.

Not everything Carson Daly says
is a message from karma.

Or if it is, it's probably
not for you, it's for me.

Oh, so you own karma?

Look, Carson Daly's on national television.

He's talking to hundreds of people, Earl,
and one of'em's me...

except when I'm being interrupted.

...controversial comedians working today as well.
Andrew Dice Clay is here.

Dice Clay! That's a list item.

I told you karma was talking to me.

This is where I kept stuff when we lived here.

For a while, it's where I hid dollar bills...

until someone found out and started
replacing 'em with little green balls of goo.

It's your Andrew Dice Clay belt buckle.

The hell?
I thought that guy Zeke stole this.

A few years back, when me and Randy...

first lived in the trailer park and were lookin'
for beer money in our secret hiding place...

we got some new neighbors-
Zeke and Arlo Cavanaugh.

Welcome to our new home, little brother.

Hi, neighbor. Nice mustache.

- Are you Burt Reynolds's cousin?
- No.

You should be.

I liked Zeke right from the start.

And he didn'tjust have
good taste in mustaches.

He also loved doing crazy things
for free T-shirts...

like the ones they gave away for drinking
a glass of fryer fat at the Crab Shack.

Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink!

Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink!
Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink!

Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink!

Onion ring.

And pretty soon, me and Zeke
were best friends.

I just heard they're giving away...

"I took a punch from Yukon Jack"
T- shirts down at the gas station.

- I'm in.
- Me too. Wait.

- Let me getJoy's camera.
- All right. Let's go, buddy.

I've always wanted a picture
of me getting punched.

- But you don't usually know
when it's gonna happen.

Whoo! Whoo whoo!

I didn't realize it
at the time, but Randy was getting jealous.

So he came up with a plan
to break up the friendship.

Aplan that was brilliant, complicated
and elaborate-at least for Randy.

He knew Zeke chewed tobacco...

but hejust didn't quite know
how to do it himself.

And by the next morning, the trap was set.

What the hell?

- Randy, wake up.
- Oh, my God. What'd they steal?

- Someone broke in and stole my Andrew Dice Clay belt buckle.
- No!

Look! Somebody spit tobacco everywhere...

and threw it up
down the front of my shirt.

You know who's gonna be really upset
about that belt buckle being gone-Zeke.

He would chew tobacco and stare at that
belt buckle for hours.

And that night, I was so mad at Zeke...

I decided to get back at him by destroying
the memories we made together...

and burned his favorite shirts.

Well, now I have to add
Zeke Cavanaugh to my list.

The worst part is I have no idea
how to spell his name.

But it was my fault.
You never would've burned those shirts...

if I hadn't tricked you
by stealing your belt buckle and stuff.

You know what? We both did him wrong.

- I think we should put him on both our lists.
- Awesome.

We both got lists.
We both get to cross the same guy off.

We both got that
Jay Leno gray patch on our pubes.

Sometimes it's just
plain good to be a Hickey.

Me and Randy were
making up to the same guy on our lists...

and since this was Randy's first time,
I let him take the lead.

"My name is Randy. His name is Earl.

We are here to cornflake. "

Uh, it's a cornflake.

Eventually, Randy explained about our lists...

and Zeke invited us in.

Man, I loved those shirts.

You and me did some cool stuff together
to get those shirts.

Saw Quiet Riot in concert at the mall.

Signed up for an America West credit card.

Sang "I Got You, Babe" at the Crab Shack...

on Guys Sing Romantic Songs
to Each Other Karaoke Night.

You know, the worst thing that happened-
it wasn't losing all my shirts.

It's that we stopped hanging out.

Oh, my God. That's my real list item.

I need to get you two
to hang out like you used to.

You should go win those shirts again...

and then I'll cross you
off my list and make that face like you do.

- What do you say, Zeke?
- I'm in.

I get my cholesterol tested next week...

and if I drink a glass of fryer fat,
my doctor will freak.

Let's see Mr. Harvard
try to figure that one out.

How's it going?

- You wanna see my " scabs that look like people" collection?
- Hell, yes.

Too bad. You can't. Which sucks for you
'cause I just picked off a Pam Anderson.

Well, then I guess I won't be showing you
my mole that looks like Susan Sarandon.

While Randy was stuck with Arlo...

Joy, Darnell and the boys
were stuck somewhere worse.

- Mommy, which side of the sink is the toilet again?
- Left.

And it didn't help that their place was
directly above a dry cleaner.

Take a break already,
Li Ying! We're dying up here!

Look, baby,
I know it's hot, but on the bright side...

my tank top is virtually wrinkle-free and
your pores look fantastic.

That's it. I can't take it anymore.

Listen up, New York!

- What are you doing?
- Playing a hunch.

- My real name is Joy Turner!
- Baby, no!

My husband is Darnell Turner,
a. k. a. Harry Monroe.

We're in the Witness-

Protection.

Damn it. You blew your cover.

- Now we'll have to relocate you again.
- Good.

How'd y'all get here so fast?

- We keep a close eye on things the first week.
- How close?

Close enough to know
you're wearing the same thong as yesterday-

just turned inside out.

So me and Zeke
set out to restart our friendship.

- Drink! Drink! Drink!
- And replacing his trophy T-shirts...

turned out to bejust the way to do it.

- Shrimp.
- Yeah!

And lucky for us,
Yukon Jack was out on parole...

and back in the "punching people
for T-shirts"business.

We even entered the I Sang a Romantic Duet
With a Dude Challenge at the Crab Shack...

- and I gotta say, we pretty much crushed it.
- # I've had the time of my life #

#And I never felt this way before #

#Yes, I swear it's the truth #

#And I owe it all to you ##

A lumberjack camp? Really?

Remember the accents, eh?

Now, I know you don't like being punished...

but if you think you can play dirty,
the F.B.I. can play dirtier.

Trust me. We should quit while we're ahead.

Ahead? We live in a pop-up camper
with four Canadian dudes...

who don't help us with the chores
'cause they're all missing fingers.

I'm sick of cutting their steaks for 'em.

Oh, no. I'm begging you. Don't do this.

Listen up, you human beavers!

My black husband's name is not Lars Nordvist!

I know. Mind-blower.

His name is Harry Monroe!

And I'm Joy Turner!

- All right. Let's go.
- Oh, thank God.

Which shirt are you gettin' today?

"I climbed the Camden landfill. "

It's gonna take a little while
'cause it's 60 feet higher now.

But a lot of that's from
the stair factory that collapsed...

so the last part could be easier.

Well, have fun.

That's when Randy realized
me and Zeke were friends again...

and he could finally cross Zeke off his arm.

Well, almost cross him off

What the hell?
Arlo, what'd you do that for?

So Zeke will think Earl burned his shirts again
and I can get my brother back.

I'm sure that sounded like a good plan
in the beginning. I've had lots of those...

like when I tried to breed
wiener dogs with cats to make wiener cats.

But you don't get long, skinny cats.

You get one dead cat and
a dog with lots of scratches.

Anyway, what I'm trying
to say is, your plan is worse than that one.

Well, I wouldn't even need a bad plan
if it wasn't for you.

You're the one who got
Earl and Zeke back together again...

and now I'm just... alone and miserable.

Wait. I get it.

Oh, you karma. You got me.

This always happens to Earl.
He handles one problem...

only to discover that another problem
is the real list item.

I should've known. The neediest, most
annoying guys are always the real list items.

Karma.

Randy knew that his
list item had gotten more complicated.

Hejust didn't know how to solve it.

Okay, we've both had three beers each.

We should be able to finally think now.

What could karma want me to do for you?

Do you know you have a scar
that looks just like Pamela Anderson?

I'm gonna go get my camera.

I understand you being jealous.
I used to get jealous too.

It's hard when your brother makes
a new friend and stops spending time with you.

To be truthful, Zeke has never spent
that much time with me...

except when Mom would lock us in the closet
so she could go out to drink.

But I wish we were more like you and Earl.
Earl loves to hang out with you.

He didn't always like hanging out with me.

It was only four years ago
that we started sleeping in the same bed.

We had to work up to it. I had to become
the best little brother ever.

- I think I'm a pretty good little brother.
- Excuse me.

But you're annoying
and boring and you smell like onions.

Don't get me wrong.
I like onions, but a lot of people don't.

But now at least I know how I can help you.

Big brothers like
to think they're the funny ones...

so it's important to laugh
at all theirjokes.

Hey, Randy, what happens
when two snails get into a fight?

They slug it out.

"Slug it out. " That's a good one.

No matter how unfunny they are.

And it's important to take care of your
big brother when he doesn't groom himself.

And you need to put yourself in situations...

where your big brother can be the hero.

- Nice dumper, baby girl.
- What the hell did you say?

Uh-oh. Earl. Earl.

I thought this dude was a lady on account
of his girlie butt, and now I'm in danger.

Tough guy, huh?
Well, if you mess with Randy here...

I'm gonna tell you
what's gonna happen to you.

Yeah!

So back off. And P.S.,
your butt wasn't that good anyway.

That's all you gotta do. Pick up the slack
on your little-brother duties.

You're right. Help me practice my fake laugh.

Here's what I've got right now.

No, no. God, no. No. No, no, no.

You gotta start with surprise and then
let it chuckle itself out.

Oh!

Wow.

So while Randy had taught Arlo...

some lessons about being a brother...

the F.B.I. were about to teach Joy
some lessons about opening her mouth.

So, we're Eskimos now?

Actually, your people
prefer to be called Inuits.

Go ahead. Try to out yourself in this place.

I'm sure the caribou would be most intrigued.

And, uh, stay warm.

Oh, my God.

The F.B.I. might have
been better at playing dirty...

but there was one thing
Joy was better at than anyone-

knowing how to have an affair and recognizing
the clues of an affair when she saw one.

She knew if Luther Vandross was a-rockin',
you don't come a-knockin'...

and how easy it is to lose an earring
when your own knee keeps banging against it...

and how your necktie
can get a little crooked...

when you use it to tie a woman to a bedpost.

You and Agent Scully have been boning.
Talk about the X Files.

More like triple-X Files. Ka-blam!

Are we gonna figure out
a new place for me to live...

or do we need to involve
supervisors and spouses?

Are you thinking
of something in split-level or ranch style?

Andjust like that...

Joy had blackmailed the F.B.I.
into making her dreams come true.

Palm trees. Real grass.

And you can't hear the sizzle of power lines.

Goldie Crystal is finally home.

Things were falling into place
forJoy and her family...

but things were falling apart
back at the trailer park.

It wasn't Randy. He knows he can't play
with matches unless I'm home.

Well, then who was it then?

- Zeke, I-
- I-I did it. It was me.

But you said you weren't jealous anymore.

I'm not jealous. I'm just sick
of having to hang around with this loser...

B.O. factory, three-balled jackass
from the state of Doucheachusetts.

- Yeah, that's not even a state.
- Shut up!

This is your chance. Be the little brother
that needs protecting.

What are you gonna do,
cry or run home and smell your own B. O?

Hey, come on. Leave me alone.

- No.
- Leave me alone!

- No!
- Leave him alone!

Leave my brother alone. You're the one who's
acting like you're from Doucheachusetts.

Oh, yeah? Well, you're acting like
the mayor of Assylvania.

You're gonna stick up for him
after he burned my shirts?

Wh-What about your precious list?

If I have to choose between a list and my
brother, my brother's gonna win every time.

Yeah? Well, if I gotta
choose between a friend and my brother...

then my brother's gonna win every time.

Come on, Arlo!

I actually didn't mind
seeing Zeke leave me for Arlo...

'cause I'm the one that pushed 'em together.

You know, next time we should
bring Randy and Arlo.

I wanna see them take a shot
at "Endless Love. "

Yeah, I don't know.
Arlo and I don't really hang out that much.

We just don't click like you and Randy.

You guys are like
Venus and Serena Williams. You know?

No. I know one of those is a planet...

but I don't know who that other dude is.

Anyway,
two brothers clicking doesn't just happen.

If you want a good little brother,
you gotta be a good big brother.

I explained to Zeke
that little brothers likejokes...

so I make sure I always have lots
of good ones to tell Randy.

Hey, Randy, what happens
when two snails get into a fight?

They slug it out.

You also need to make
little brothers feel important.

Act like you need their help with stuff

And you should always
protect your little brother...

when he gets into dangerous situations.

Nice dumper, baby girl.

- What the hell did you say?
- Tough guy, huh?

Well, if you mess with Randy here,
I'm gonna tell you what's gonna happen to you.

Please don't hurt us.
I'm very afraid of you.

I'll give you 20 bucks to leave us alone, 30
if you act a little scared.

If you do these things,
Arlo will change, I promise.

Like a caterpillar into a butterfly.

Or maybe something less girlie.

Like a Transformer car
into a Transformer robot.

I like Transformers.
So I'm gonna take your advice on this.

I'm just sick of having
to hang out with this loser...

B.O. factory, three-balled jackass
from the state of Doucheachusetts.

- Yeah, that's not even a state.
- Now's your chance.

- Go protect your little brother.
- Leave me alone.

- No.
- Leave him alone. Huh?

So Zeke got all protectorish,
and I got all protectorish.

It was a good show.

Come on, Arlo.

And it all worked out.

And Earl and Zeke
never had a clue we'd set 'em up.

- Sorry for making you lose your friend again.
- That's okay.

Maybe Zeke and Arlo were the ones
meant to be friends.

Hmm. Maybe you're right.

Hey, the lotto's back.

Hmm.

You know what, buddy?
That eyebrow raise is kind of my thing.

That's cool.

Hey, Randy, one time
this pirate walks into a bar.

He's got the ship's steering wheel attached
to the crotch of his pants.

The bartender says, " Hey, pirate, you got
a steering wheel coming out of your pants. "

And the pirate nods and says, " Arrr!
It's driving me nuts. "

That one was actually funny.

- What do you mean, "actually"?
- Huh?